Catching the Butterfly
by Ushio
Summary: A Ryoga/Ukyo comedy romance by Benji Delaski
1. Catching the Butterfly

Disclaimer Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without permission, as are all other characters from what ever stories there from.  
  
CATCHING THE BUTTERFLY VOL 1  
  
When the things you want are always just out of reach.  
  
===================================  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
Lightning never strikes twice.  
  
And if you're lucky, it doesn't even strike once.  
  
===================================  
  
The old man looked at the side of his house in despair. Filling most of the wall was a large hole, directly opposite the other wall with a big hole in it. What had he done to deserve this, he thought sadly? He couldn't think of any gods he might have annoyed that week, and anything that was bad enough to be punished with a wind hole in the middle of his house was something he was sure he'd remember. He sighed and picked up the telephone. The insurance company would never believe this. It was the only building on the mountaintop. They'd never buy it. Why would a guy just walk straight through his poor house, leaving large holes to give the cat nightmares, instead of going around it? It just wasn't fair.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga stopped and checked the map again. He'd figured out, that if he carried on walking in the direction he was going, in a dead straight line, he eventually get to the Tendo Dojo. *Pity there's so many buildings in the way* he thought. He could've gone around them, but knew from experience that he'd walk all the way around the building and back along the path he'd come from. Yeah, so it wasn't very fair to homeowners, but ...  
  
He squinted at the map. *It's getting hard to read this thing now ... guess it's time to pitch my tent. * He continued walking until he reached a good spot. The air crackled with electricity, warning Ryoga that a storm was coming, and if he didn't want the old man to get his revenge by serving up roast pork chops ala P-chan, he'd better get a move on. He pulled his tent kit out of his pack.  
  
"Aww great! Just my luck!" He glared ferociously at the tangled guy ropes and set about trying to disentangle it. The result was rather like watching an octopus eat spaghetti. Looking up at the sky fearfully, he eventually managed it and yanked a few metal poles out of his bag.  
  
~~~~~  
  
*Note: Electric charge may be deposited on an object only by transferring charge to it from some other piece of material. Friction can separate small quantities of electric charge. By rubbing two materials together, electrons may be transferred from the atoms of one material to those of the other, if the second material has a greater affinity for electrons than the first. Spectacular (and pretty dangerous) results of the transfer of electric charge occur in lightning. Here, an electrically charged cloud suddenly discharges, generating a current, which passes through the air, raising it to very high temperatures. This causes both the flash of lightning and a shock wave of pressure changes in the air, producing the sound of thunder. The energy used in charging up the cloud initially is drawn from the atmosphere.  
  
*Note: Lightning is electricity. Metal conducts electricity. Lightning + metal tent poles = big bang, big flash of light, lots of pain and possible death. You have been warned. No longer can you use the excuse "I was asleep when our teacher was showing us that video."  
  
End Prologue.  
  
Final song - Walking In A Hurricane  
  
============================  
  
PART I  
  
The good, the bad and the other one.  
  
============================  
  
"... ouch ..." Ryoga's eyes flicked open and a groan escaped him. *I should've dealt with the poles first...* He sat up slowly and assessed how much damage had been done to him. "Drat." As predicted, he was covered in burns. He'd need a quick dip in cold water to ease the pain. Shame cold water had such an adverse affect on him, or he'd actually relish the thought. Climbing slowly to his feet, he looked around. His tent was a write off, he noted sadly. A few charred scraps of material were all that remained. Trees were now little lumps of charcoal and the ground was totally black. His eyes widened in shock at the extent of the destruction. *Wow! I'm lucky to be alive! *  
  
A figure lying a few meters away from him caught his eye. *Guess I'd better check he's been as lucky. * He walked over and knelt down next to the person and rolled them over to face him. "Hey, are yo....ahhhhhhhhhhh!!" He jumped back in shock. Well, so would you, if you were suddenly confronted by your own face without even looking in a mirror.  
  
"Ohmygod!! I'm dead! I'm dead and I've just turned over my body!" He covered his mouth with his hand in shock. "But I can't be dead ... ghosts can't feel pain ... or can they?.... So I'm a ghost?!"  
  
" .... owwww ... that hurts ...." Ryoga fell over in shock as his body sat up and shook his head to clear it. His doppelganger looked over at him, seeing him for the first time. "Oh dear."  
  
"What do you mean, 'oh dear'? You can see me?" Ryoga stared at himself.  
  
"Of course I can see you, you're not dead or anything." The other Ryoga grinned at him. "We stopped that happening. How do you feel?"  
  
Ryoga blinked. "How do I feel? HOW DO I FEEL?!!" He grabbed his double by the throat. "I have been struck by lightning. My possessions are destroyed. My body is screaming in agony and I have a new twin! I am NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!!!!!'  
  
The double gasped for breath. "Do you think you could let go of me? I'm in pain too." Reluctantly he did so. His double rubbed his neck. "Thank you. I suppose you want me to explain myself."  
  
"Yes, that would be nice. But before you do, could we check for other me's? Then you could all talk at once" Ryoga replied sarcastically.  
  
"Good idea. I didn't think of that." The double stood up looked around. "Well? Are you going to help me look?"  
  
Ryoga gaped at him. *I'm having a bad dream. Please tell me this is a dream - I was struck by the lightning and this just a subconscious thought, but I'll wake up and I'll be in a hospital or lying here but there'll only be one me and It'll be me because this isn't happening and it isn't real...*  
  
"Are you going to help me or not?" The double looked at him enquiringly. "Come on."  
  
Dazedly he followed his other self as he wandered around the disaster zone. *What if he's real, though?* he though suddenly. *He could be the real me and maybe I'm a dream person. He's taking control here, after all.* He shook his head forcibly, willing that thought to go away. He looked around. "Hey. Over there." He grabbed his copy by the arm and pointed to the other side of the black crater. They walked cautiously over to the limp figure lying face down on the ground.  
  
"Yep. That's another" the copy acknowledged cheerfully. "Makes a funny sort of sense."  
  
Ryoga glared at him. "It makes sense? And what part makes sense? The part with multiple me's running around all over the place? That doesn't make any sense to me."  
  
The copy laughed. "He's my opposite. We'll both explain." The other Ryoga lying on the floor groaned and sat up slowly. "Well, hello. You OK?"  
  
Ryoga suppressed a snigger as the newest Ryoga grabbed his other self by the collar and yanked him off the ground. "I do not need your help and I do not need you. I am fine and you are an irritating little twerp." He shook the copy a little. "Any arguments."  
  
The copy kicked the other copy in the stomach and he collapsed with a groan. "I'm you, you daft idiot. At the moment we all have the same injuries from that lightning, so don't tell me you don't need my help, because these burns really HURT!!'  
  
Ryoga sighed. "Please could somebody tell me what's going on?"  
  
The new copy straightened up. "I suppose we could manage that."  
  
The old copy sat down. "It's like this ..."  
  
"We're you, in a strange way. When you got hit by that lightning, ..."  
  
"The gods were rather surprised. You weren't scheduled to die yet but it was a lethal dose of electricity that would leave you looking worse than Cologne on a good day..."  
  
"So they brought us out of your mind so we could share your injuries."  
  
The two copies sat back, looking smug. Ryoga looked from one to the other. "But who the hell are you?"  
  
The new one replied first. "Well, plucking an example out of the air, if Akane got really really mad at you, for some reason, part of you would want to grovel, beg forgiveness and generally be a doormat, even if you were in the right..."  
  
"Charming." The other one muttered.  
  
"Shut up." The new copy thought for a second. "Where was I? Oh yeah. Part of you would do that. But another part of you would want to grab her by the throat, slam her against the wall and tell her to stop being such a hot- tempered, over-reactive macho tomboy..."  
  
"Hey! She's not!"  
  
The copy ignored the indignant remark and continued. "We're those two parts of your personality, like in Oh My Goddess. That dweeb," he said, indicating the old copy. "Is your Angel half. And I ... " He paused, thinking for a nice way to put It. " ...Am not," he finished.  
  
"You're my Devil side," Ryoga said glumly.  
  
Angel Ryoga grinned. "Yep! Got it in one. Well, not really devil, just not nice. If he really was all your concentrated nastiness, do you really think we'd still be here, alive and - gak!""  
  
Devil Ryoga released his grip on Angel Ryoga's throat. "There's no need to be so picky!"  
  
"When are you going?" Ryoga asked cautiously.  
  
"Going?" Devil Ryoga asked sweetly, looking at him. "Who said anything about going?"  
  
Ryoga looked at Angel Ryoga. "Seriously?"  
  
Angel Ryoga shrugged. "Nobody actually told us that. I think it's something to do with you and dying prematurely. "  
  
"So if our injuries heal up you'll go?" Ryoga looked hopefully at his copy.  
  
Angel Ryoga gulped "Weeeellll, I'm not sure. We might have to stay until it's ... your time."  
  
"AND HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?!!!!!!"  
  
"We're not allowed to say" Devil Ryoga said calmly. "Let's get some cold water on these burns."  
  
Ryoga glared at him. "P-chan."  
  
Devil Ryoga glared back. "Yeah? I know. But that's just your problem. We're not you. We're your personality. We don't transform."  
  
Ryoga reinforced the glare at his Angel and Devil sides. *I'm really beginning to hate myself..."  
  
End Part I  
  
Final song - Who Are You  
  
==========================  
  
PART II  
  
Triple trouble and total confusion.  
  
==========================  
  
Akane looked out her window. "Nice day today" she commented aloud. *Good thing too. I hate having to deal with Ranma getting all tetchy on rainy days. * She yawned and got ready for school.  
  
"Why, good morning, Akane. Did you sleep well?" Kasumi smiled at her younger sister. "Breakfast is ready now."  
  
"Thanks Kasumi." Akane smiled at her older sister. She helped herself to breakfast, while Ranma and Genma sparred outside. Somehow, they both managed to get to the table in their own forms.  
  
"Hey, thanks Kasumi." Ranma grinned at her. "You're the best cook ... I ... know ..." He trailed off slowly and edged away from Akane. "Not that it means anything" he squeaked.  
  
Akane sighed. "Ranma, you look like you've just been placed on death row." She continued eating.  
  
Ranma gazed at her for a second. "You're not going to punch me through the roof?"  
  
"I just have a good feeling about today, that's all."  
  
"What? We have an English test and Happosai's bound to be lurking around the gym..."  
  
"Oh, he's back from China?" Kasumi queried.  
  
"Yeah, he's back. He'll be about, then you've got Home Ec class brrr..."  
  
"JERK!!!"  
  
Kasumi sighed and looked at the hole in the roof. "Oh my. Really, Akane, was there any need for that?"  
  
Akane glared at her breakfast. "And I thought today was going to be a good day too."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga looked around. "Where did they go?" He was referring, of course, to Angel Ryoga and Devil Ryoga. They'd vanished after getting into an argument about the map (AR- this is unfair to home owners. DR- You wanna get to the Dojo or not? R- I think we've missed it. DR- maybe the map's wrong. AR- maybe all the maps are wrong...). He'd had no idea how much he argued with himself until he saw it happening. "Damn! Maybe they'll get to the Dojo but I won't and they'll muck things up ..." He pricked up his ears at the sound of familiar voices.  
  
"I was only tryna apologize! Jeez! I don't know why I bother, you uncute maniac!"  
  
"Ranma, you are such a jerk! Maybe they were good cookies!"  
  
"Yeah! And maybe one day Kuno'll grow a brain!"  
  
Ryoga sighed. Ranma was always the same. But here was his ticket to the Dojo. He stepped around the corner. "Hello."  
  
"Ryoga! Hi!" Akane smiled at him. "Nice to see you."  
  
Ranma poked her in the arm. "I thought you had a good feeling about today."  
  
"Ranma, you are such a JERK!!!" One good kick sent him flying. *Probably Ranma will go and flirt with all his other fiancees now, the jerk.*  
  
"Hey Akane. could you take me to the Dojo?" Ryoga half-smiled at her.  
  
"Of course. I'm just heading their now." She smiled. "It's good to see you again. So tell me what you've been up to then..."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Kasumi looked up from the washing up. "Why, hello, Ryoga. Nice to see you. And where have you been?"  
  
Ryoga grinned. "All over the place really ... do you want some help with that washing up?"  
  
"Oh, no, that's OK, I'm fine here. You tell me about your travels."  
  
Ryoga thought for a second. *Everyone takes advantage of Kasumi, never helping her and she never complains, but I bet she doesn't get any rest.* "Tell you what. You sit down with a cup of tea. I'll do the washing up and tell you about my travels."  
  
Kasumi smiled. "Very well, if you insist." She sat down with a small sigh of relief. "I must say, it's nice to have people offer to help once in a while. I'm touched."  
  
Ryoga smiled back. "You're welcome." *It's nice to have someone appreciate my help ... why doesn't my other self help Kasumi out once in a while ... oh well, must be the Devil in him. He's too busy running around screaming 'Ranma prepare to die' to help out...*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Nabiki turned around as she heard footfalls behind her. "Oh, hey, Ryoga."  
  
"Nabiki." Ryoga grinned at her. "Can you lead me the way to the Dojo?"  
  
Nabiki thought for a second. "3000 yen."  
  
Ryoga had a dangerous look in his eye. "Now, now, Nabiki. You're going that way yourself. It's not gonna inconvenience you."  
  
"1500 then."  
  
Much to her surprise, he took two steps forward and gently gripped her by the throat. "Always wanted to do this. Now, Nabiki, I need to get to the Dojo, OK? I have absolutely no money whatsoever. And this is important. Stop screwing me about and grubbing for money, because I don't have any. Manners don't cost a penny, though I not really one to talk at the present. I don't need to squeeze, do I?"  
  
Nabiki shook her head numbly.  
  
"Good." Ryoga grinned. "So we have an understanding then?" She nodded. With a small laugh, he released her. "No need to look like such a scared little rabbit."  
  
Nabiki rubbed her neck. "I could get you done for that, you know," she said with a hint of fear in her voice.  
  
"No you can't" he said calmly. "Because one, there is no mark on your neck, two, there are no witnesses, three, they'd never find me - hell, I can never find me and four ... can't think of a four at present, but I'm sure I will. Good enough for you?"  
  
Nabiki glared at the ground. "S'kay"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I SAID IT'S OK!!" Nabiki set off, stomping as she went along.  
  
Ryoga sniggered. *Cool! She has weaknesses after all. Why didn't my other self ever confront her? It's kinda fun making her squirm.* He followed her to the Tendo Dojo. Where there was already a Ryoga. Where another Ryoga was heading. The Tendo's were in for a shock.  
  
End Part II  
  
Final song - Good Times Bad Times  
  
===================================  
  
PART III  
  
Getting in touch with your female side  
  
you never quite expect her to actually reply.  
  
===================================  
  
"Oh my."  
  
Akane looked at the three Ryoga's in amazement. "This is ... incredible!"  
  
"Yeah. You two got lucky. I got the Devil one," Nabiki growled.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "Too, too weird. You musta hit me harder than I thought."  
  
Akane advanced on him dangerously. "Raaannnnnnmmmmmmaaaaa ...."  
  
Ranma backed away and quickly changed the subject. "Three Ryoga's, hmm? One good, one bad and one original. How do we tell them all apart?"  
  
Angel Ryoga grinned. "You could try insulting us and seeing which one does nothing, which one gets slightly tetchy and which one pounds your head into the carpet."  
  
Ranma glared at him. "Which one are you?"  
  
"Angel."  
  
"Don't seem like much of an angel to me."  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "Just goes to show - you can irritate any part of my personality. Even the part nicer than Mother Teresa. Besides, if they were completely devil and angel, do you really think the devil one would've let you live this long?"  
  
Ranma looked at them all. "Do we call you Angel, Devil and Ryoga, or what?"  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "That just what I called them. I couldn't be bothered to think up any names for them."  
  
Akane grinned. "I know..."  
  
Ranma cut in. "NOT D-chan and A-chan."  
  
"Why you..."  
  
Nabiki cut in. "Ryoga Angel. R-A. Or maybe Ray. Ryoga Devil. R-D or Red."  
  
Devil Ryoga sniggered. "Betcha got some other names for me bottled up in that brain of yours."  
  
"Oh, how did you know?" she said in a sickly sweet voice.  
  
Angel Ryoga cut in quickly. "I prefer R-A."  
  
"Yeah, and I like R-D to Red" Devil Ryoga decided.  
  
"Good." Ranma sighed. "Sure there's only you lot? We don't have to go through the rest of the alphabet, do we?"  
  
"I think that's all..." Ryoga said thoughtfully.  
  
*BANG*  
  
They all spun around as the door flew open. "This is the Tendo Dojo isn't it?" They all stared at the small girl standing in the doorway.  
  
"Y-yeah..." Ranma gulped.  
  
"In that case..." She stepped forward. She had short black hair and green eyes and was wearing clothes identical to the three Ryoga's. In fact, she looked almost exactly like the Ryoga's.  
  
*Noooo ... it can't be!* Ryoga thought in shock. The next words clinched it though.  
  
"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" She launched herself at Ranma, who sat still in shock for a moment before he actually realised he was under attack, giving her a chance to land a few blows. Ranma recovered and punched her as hard as he could. She hit the back wall and lay there for a moment, stunned, before giving a scream of anger and renewing her attack.  
  
"Female half?" Akane checked.  
  
"Yeah." R-A thought for a moment before enlightenment dawned. "Of course! Opposites. I'm R-D's opposite and she's Ryoga's opposite so now it evens out." He caught Ryoga- chan as she hurtled across the room again, courtesy of a Ranma kick in the chest. "Now, now, Ryoga-chan. We need to explain you and make Ranma feel slightly guilty."  
  
"Shouldn't we call her R-C?" Akane asked.  
  
Ryoga-chan sat down. "What for? Ryoga doesn't turn into a girl so nobody else is gonna react to the name."  
  
"Good point."  
  
Ranma sat down too. "What's that about feeling guilty then?"  
  
R-D smirked. "You don't like fighting girls. Not a nice thing to do."  
  
"Well, yeah. Neither do you. That doesn't stop you attacking me in female form though, 'cause technically I'm a guy." Ranma smirked the smirk of the righteous one. "She's another Ryoga and therefore technically a guy."  
  
Ryoga grinned. "I think I see what's coming..."  
  
"She is not a guy. At all," R-A pointed out. "She is what Ryoga would be like if he was a girl. She's feminine most of the time, she has a girls body all the time, it's not cursed or anything..."  
  
Now all the Ryoga's wore the smirk of the righteous one while Ranma wore the scowl of the one being ticked off by the righteous.  
  
Ryoga-chan cut in. "Like them, I have a lousy sense of direction or I would've gotten here sooner."  
  
"If you're feminine, why are you wearing the same clothes as them?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Because I haven't had a chance to go shopping. OK?" Ryoga-chan glared at him. "Besides, they're not the same, they're smaller. Those clothes would just fall down on me."  
  
Ryoga and R-D stood up. "How dare you attack my female half?!" Ryoga growled.  
  
"We'll get you, Saotome!" They both advanced on him.  
  
Ranma ran. He could handle one Ryoga, but two? He didn't want to find out!  
  
"Speaking of clothes, can we do something about the guys?" Nabiki questioned. "I don't remember which one is the one I don't like."  
  
"Oh, that would be me." R-D put him hand up. "Yes, I'll get a shirt with 'AntiNabiki' stitched across it, shall I?"  
  
"Just something different is fine" Akane said quickly.  
  
"What about me?" Ryoga-chan added. "I mean, these clothes are guy clothes. I didn't choose them. I need to get something practical yet flattering. These do nothing for me"  
  
"Yes. And we'll pay for all your many fashion accessories with all the money I didn't give to Nabiki" R-D said sarcastically.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Joke, Nabiki" Ryoga said calmly. "None of us have any money."  
  
A scraping noise caught their attention. Happosai dragged himself across the floor. " ...Girlee ...fight ...back ....must splash something .... with girliewater ....pantieeeeeee ...." He looked at a spider with a glazed look in his eyes. "Spidergirleeee ...." He lifted a vial of water and took the lid off.  
  
"What is he doing?" Ryoga-chan whispered.  
  
"I have no idea" Akane replied.  
  
Happosai suddenly caught sight of Ryoga-chan's reflection in the glass vial. "PRETTY GIRLIEEE!" he yelled, attaching himself to her.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK K!!!" She threw the old man across the room. The vial of water flew out of his hands ...  
  
Across the room ...  
  
Like a cat always heads towards the only person afraid of/ allergic to them, so the water sprayed all over the only person in the room with a Jusenkyo curse following a process known as Murphy's law or more commonly known as Sod's law ...  
  
Ryoga was directly in the path of the cold water. And Akane was in the room too.  
  
End Part III  
  
Final song - Hitch Hiking Woman  
  
=======================  
  
PART IV  
  
Talking through your problems.  
  
=======================  
  
Ryoga slowly opened his eyes and looked for an escape path. He could feel everyone staring at him as he began to edge towards the door, preparing to make a run for it the second Akane got as far as 'Ge' in 'Get the pervert!!!'  
  
"GGGIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU DIRTY LITTLE LEECH!!!!!" Ryoga grabbed Happosai by the skull and embedded him in the floor. "Ick! He's going after guys too now?"  
  
"Now I have an excuse to go shopping!"  
  
"Now we call her R-C?" Akane said in a voice that said 'I'm going to pretend it's all OK until he actually notices what's happened.'  
  
"R-C's good. We'll stick to R-C!" R-A said in a voice that said 'I don't have a clue what's going on, but I'm going to play along for now.'  
  
Ryoga's brain finally clicked. "I-I'm OK! I'm not hurt! I'm..." He trailed off.  
  
R-D nodded. "Yes you are."  
  
"I'M A GIRL!!!!" he - now she wailed. She gave a choked sob and fled from the room as fast as she could without her trousers falling down.  
  
"Damn! He'll get lost!" R-C jumped to her feet and ran after her.  
  
"And she won't, I presume?" R-D commented.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga-chan sat up a tree looking gloomily into the distance.  
  
"Hey you."  
  
She looked down at R-C then resumed looking gloomily into the distance.  
  
After a few moments, R-C scrambled up beside her. "Could be worse. It could've been a spring of drowned Ranma." She sighed as this failed to raise even a weak smile from Ryoga-chan. "Or it could've been normal cold water." She shook Ryoga-chan's shoulder. "You know, there's definite advantages to being a girl."  
  
After a moment, Ryoga-chan replied. "Like what?"  
  
R-C shrugged. "Oh, a few things. One, you're human, two, you're not edible except to people on remote islands in the Pacific, three, you don't have to worry about Akane finding out about your curse, four, Ranma has nothing to blackmail or taunt you with, five, spending a little time in your female body might make you less prone to blackouts whenever Shampoo starts streaking after Ranma, six, you don't have a disadvantage in fights if it starts to rain seven ..."  
  
"OK, I get the point!" Ryoga-chan gave a weak laugh. "It's just, for a moment I thought I was really cured. I hate being the real Ryoga with a huge disadvantage to the others. I thought if I'd really been cured, I could try and talk to Akane ...." She sighed. "I suck at being me. R-A's probably got the best chance. He's too good for words. In about a week, he'll probably have women crawling all over him."  
  
R-C listened silently as she continued. "And R-D's a total bastard. Women love total bastards for some reason. And I'm me. Boring old me. Half guy, half girl, just like Ranma. Except nobody l-l-loves m-me.." Her voice broke and she started to sob. "N-nobody's e-ever l-l-loved me and nobody c-cares and I h-hate my life and I-I wish that l-l-lightning had k-killed me..."  
  
"No you don't. You'd miss Akane."  
  
Ryoga-chan leaned back against the tree branch. "I'm a screwed-up emotional wreck with a gender changing problem, with parts of my personality getting a better life on their own rather than mixed up inside me and I'm pouring all my worries out on a female part of my personality which is really scaring me because I have a girl side to my mind."  
  
R-C sighed. "OK. I'm not a girl side to your mind. I'm a version of what you would be like if you were a girl. You're mind is entirely guy, mine is totally girl." She smiled. "For starters, I'd be sleeping in some guys bed. I'm your opposite. R-D is R-A's opposite, R-A is R-D's opposite. And I hope there aren't any R-C Angels or Devils running around either 'cause they'd make me feel inferior. And as for you being a screwed-up emotional wreck, that isn't true. They are the emotional wrecks. R-A is too good to be true. If he doesn't find someone like ... Kasumi, for example, he'll be treated like dirt forever but not care. R-D has no redeeming features. Women love total bastards but only for short amounts of time. He'll probably get arrested if he isn't careful. Yes, you'd be a lot more stable if you hadn't come across Jusenkyo and if Ranma didn't use his female form against you."  
  
Ryoga-chan growled. "Is it any wonder I don't trust anyone?"  
  
R-C sighed. "I know what you mean."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Hey, Ranma. Make yourself useful and go find R-C and Ryoga-chan" Nabiki called.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Did I miss someone?"  
  
Akane nodded. "Well, yes. You missed Happosai giving Ryoga the same curse as you. H.. she ran off and R-C followed hi ... her. We're just worried they'll both get lost."  
  
Ranma sighed. "Twin Ryoga girls. Yee-uck!" He turned and left the room with a vague grin. *Although Ryoga's girl half is kinda cute ...*  
  
*SPLASH*  
  
"Hey! Old lady, you should watch where you throw that stuff! Jeez!" She headed back inside angrily. "I'll search indoors first and get some hot water while I'm at it."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"I'll get you a kettle of hot water," R-C offered. "You go tell the other's not to worry about us."  
  
"Thanks." Ryoga-chan walked back into the Dojo. "We're OK."  
  
Akane grinned. "Oh. There you are. We were worried." She jumped to her feet. "Come on."  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked. "Huh? "Akane grabbed her by the hand, much to her shock, and dragged her out of the room and upstairs to her bedroom. Ryoga- chan looked around. "Uhhh ... why did you drag me up here?"  
  
Akane opened the wardrobe door. "We're more the same height, although you're a bit more petite. Maybe some of my clothes will fit you. Then we'll be able to tell you and Ryoga apart when he turns female."  
  
Realization flooded across Ryoga-chan's face. "Oh! I'm not R-C, I'm Ryoga."  
  
"Oh! Sorry." Akane laughed. "Where's R-C?"  
  
"Getting some hot water..."  
  
End Part IV  
  
Final song - I'm A Boy  
  
===================================  
  
PART V  
  
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go anywhere.  
  
===================================  
  
R-C eventually found the kitchen. She walked in to see Ranma-chan glaring at the kettle, willing it to boil faster. "Oh. You have the kettle."  
  
Ranma-chan looked up. "Oh! There you are!" She grinned. "Now I don't have to look for you." She grabbed R-C by the sleeve. "Come on. Lets get changed."  
  
R-C blinked in surprise. "Wha ..." Ranma-chan dragged her to the bathroom, shut the door, and began to fill the bath tub with hot water. R-C looked at her in amazement. "What are you doing?"  
  
"We both need a bath. I'm running it." Ranma-chan yanked her clothes off. "Come on, take your clothes off."  
  
R-C's eyes widened. "No way!"  
  
Ranma-chan laughed. "Shy of your own body?! You'll get used to it."  
  
Realization dawned. "No you see I ... HEY! Pervert!" She smacked Ranma-chan over the head.  
  
"Ow! Just seeing if the water makes all girls big busted or whether is was just 'cause I have a nice body. Enough with the shy act, Ryoga, you'll get used to it." Before R-C could protest, she found herself shoved naked into the water with Ranma-chan - now Ranma beside her. "See? Over alrea...d...y..."  
  
"Idiot! I tried to explain!"  
  
Ranma gaped at her. "You're ... you're ... you're..."  
  
"R-C. Not Ryoga. And would you stop staring at me!" She growled, ducking under the water, crimson in the face.  
  
"Oh jeez! Get out of here!" Ranma splashed her a little. "Akane'll kill me!"  
  
"ME get out?! YOU dragged me in here! You get out!"  
  
"Ranma?" The voice came from behind the closed door. "I'm coming in."  
  
Ranma looked around frantically. Then grabbed the surprised R-C, shoved her head under the water and sat on her back. "Akane! Hi! What brings you here?!"  
  
Akane sat on the stool. "I was wondering, did you find R-C? I thought I did, but it was Ryoga."  
  
"R-C?" Ranma laughed nervously and ignored the fingernails digging into his ankle to tell him R-C was not pleased with the current situation. "Nooo ... haven't seen her. Now go away!"  
  
"When do you think the other Ryoga's will go away?"  
  
"Me? Dunno. Please leave now?" he hinted none too subtly. R-C wasn't struggling as much, which kinda worried him.  
  
"Just imagine if there were four of you." She laughed. "What a nightmare! Still, it'd solve the many fiancee problem." She laughed again. "Pity we can't give some of the Ryoga's to Ukyo or Shampoo..."  
  
"For gods sake Akane, just get out of here!" Ranma blurted.  
  
Akane blinked. "What? Why? You got some big secret hidden in here?" She stood up. "I only wanted to talk to you a little! I won't bother again!"  
  
Ranma groaned. "I just ... want a little privacy, that's all." Akane gave him a look that said 'I don't know what you're up to, but I know you're up to something' as she left the room. Ranma waited a few moments to make sure she was gone before hauling R-C out of the water. "Aw shit!" he groaned, rolling her onto the floor, covering her with a towel and wrapping another towel around himself. "I've drowned Ryoga's girl half!" He thought for a second before dashing out of the room. "HEY, R-A!! COME HERE FOR A MOMENT!" he yelled, then dashed back into the bathroom and pulled on his clothes.  
  
A moment later R-A ran into the room. "Oh lord! What the hell did you do to her!"  
  
"It was an accident!"  
  
"You dragged R-C in here and drowned her?!" R-A was beginning to look slightly un R-A- like as he clenched his fists. "You accidentally drowned her? Without any of her clothes?"  
  
"It was a misunderstanding!" He protested. "And don't yell at me, get her breathing!"  
  
"YOU ARE A SICK, PERVERTED, NEANDERTHAL!! She's partly me!"  
  
Ranma looked at R-A. "You aren't R-A, are you."  
  
Ryoga give him a tense look. "No, I'm the original Ryoga. The real McCoy. YOU FREAK!"  
  
He glared at the new Ranma shaped skylight in the ceiling.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"We really need some way to tell them all apart other than tattooing the letters on them all."  
  
A tense R-C was still in her old clothes, sat with her three 'brothers.' "Including a way of telling me and Ryoga apart." she growled, glaring at Ranma across the table. She was slightly pleased to note that he had a new plaster on his face.  
  
Nabiki crept behind R-D and tipped a small bottle over his head. "HEY!"  
  
"Better wash it off" she said sweetly. R-D ran out of the room and she turned to the others. "So R-D is the one with the new blond streak in his hair."  
  
"Nabiki!" Soun scolded. The other two Ryoga's edged away from her slightly.  
  
"Maybe different coloured bandannas?" Akane suggested.  
  
"Not noticeable enough" Ranma sighed. "Gotta be something you notice at once." R-D walked back into the room with a glare on his face and a pale streak of hair. "And that actually does work..."  
  
"I look like an idiot" R-D growled.  
  
"Which is strange because...?" Ranma quipped, immediately regretting it as R-C, R-D and Ryoga rose to their feet.  
  
Kasumi walked in, radiating peace. "Would anyone like some tea?" she asked sweetly, listening to the mumbles of agreement.  
  
R-A jumped to his feet. "I'll give you a hand."  
  
"He's like a walking conscience" Nabiki commented. "Let's hit the mall. If we can just start by getting them some other outfits, it'll be a start."  
  
"What will we pay with? Brass buttons?" R-C asked gloomily.  
  
"All our stuff - MY stuff got fried in the electric storm." Ryoga added.  
  
"Looks like it's a loan for now, if only for our own convenience" Soun said suddenly. The four Ryoga's looked at him in astonishment. "Well, you all confuse me. And the other one, R-A is being so helpful to Kasumi.... Anyway, you'll have to pay back eventually."  
  
R-C grinned. "We can go shopping? I can go shopping?" She smirked at the other three. "Looks like we're hitting the job shop too, bro's! Hey, Ryoga! Let's get jobs as waitresses! The twin thing alone'll clinch it!"  
  
End Part V  
  
Final song - Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere 


	2. Chapter 1 Parts 6 to 10

Disclaimer Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without permission, as are all other characters from whatever Manga/Anime they're from.  
  
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at www.lovesucks.topcities.com  
  
PART VI  
  
One more time.  
  
==============  
  
"Do we have to tie you lot all together or something?!" Nabiki stormed after R-A and dragged him back to the rest of the group. "I swear, if one of you wanders away again, we're going to have to put you on a leash! Somebody remind me to buy you guy's pagers!" She held her head in her hands. "This must be what it's like to be a parent! R-C!! Get back here!"  
  
"But those dresses are so cute..."  
  
"Do as you're damn well told! We need to get you lot organised!"  
  
Akane stifled a giggle at seeing her calm and collected sister trying to keep the four Ryoga's under control. It was hard enough keeping track of one! R-A kept wandering away to look at shop windows, R-D kept hiding purely to irritate Nabiki and R-C was impatient to get shopping and kept bouncing around. The only one behaving was the original Ryoga, now Ryoga- chan thanks to a sprinkler. "Nabiki, why don't I go shopping with R-C, Ranma with Ryoga-chan and you with R-A and R-D?"  
  
Nabiki glared at her sister. "Because, sister dear, Ranma and Ryoga, girl or guy, hate each other and R-D hates me and Daddy will not be pleased if we run up a huge property damage bill. How about I take R-C and R-A, Ranma takes R-D and you take Ryoga- chan?"  
  
"I'm not going with R-D!" Ranma cut in. *If he decided to fight me ... he won't have the Angel side holding him back .... the property damage would be terrible!* "R-A yes, Ryoga-chan or R-C very big maybe but not R-D!"  
  
R-D groaned. "Why not stick us in the crèche and go shopping for us?"  
  
"That's not such a bad idea actually." Ranma grinned. "How about I ask Ucchan to keep an eye on them and we nip in a few shops? Nabiki can look for some pagers for them so we can track 'em down to pay off your Dad's loan?"  
  
"We get to make a list of what we need" R-A muttered.  
  
"Sure. Pen, paper ... hmmm" R-C began to write out her list.  
  
Akane glanced over her shoulder at page three. "Sailor fuka, 2 kimonos, 3 pairs of shorts cotton, dark pink, green and black, 1 pair denim, 2 bikinis, 1 swimsuit, walkman and Sailor Moon soundtrack ... are you sure you need all this?" she queried, eyes slightly glazed.  
  
"Of course. A girl has a lot of needs. Besides, we're paying all the money off. And if Ryoga-chan comes round to the idea of waitressing.."  
  
"I'm not being a waitress."  
  
R-C pouted. "A waitress job'll be easy to find. If she eventually warms to the idea, I may need to lend her some clothes."  
  
R-A looked over his list. "With the clothes and the camping gear we lost, we'll be in dept till we're twenty at least."  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at him. "Then you'd better stick around till then."  
  
"Hehe ... sure ... er ... everyone finished?" R-A looked around. "Here's the list. Where's Ucchans?"  
  
"Don't worry, we don't expect you to know." Ranma sighed. "ALL of you, follow me. No window shopping, no wandering, and I know you all hate me but I'd appreciate no 'Ranma prepare to dies' OK?" He led them to the restaurant with no property damage and almost no arguments.  
  
Ukyo looked up. "Hey Ranchan!"  
  
"Ucchan." Ranma stepped aside. "Meet R-D, the one with the blond bit, R-A, the other guy, R-C, one of the girls and Ryoga-chan, the other girl."  
  
Ryoga-chan grimaced. "Could you not call me Ryoga-chan?"  
  
"But you look so cute when you wince. Ryoga-chan." Ranma laughed at her. Ryoga-chan and R-C both looked so cute when they winced - calling Ryoga Ryoga-chan was a sure way of getting a reaction.  
  
Ukyo gazed at them, jaw slack. "Two new boy Ryoga's, a new girl Ryoga and Ryoga's a girl?"  
  
"Until I can get a kettle," Ryoga-chan snarled.  
  
"You got it. R-D is a bastard. He's Ryoga's devil side. R-A is a bona fide angel nice guy, which gives me the creeps. Both Ryoga-chan's are just like he is as a guy."  
  
"You forgot the part stating that we all hate you," R-D pointed out. "If Ukyo whacks out one or two of us, there's still two more. And if you try killing the original before his time, even more of us will pop up." He smiled sweetly. "Continue digging your grave, Ranma."  
  
Ranma gulped. "Yeah, well, Ucchan, I was wondering if they could stay here for an hour or so. Their stuff got struck by lightning and we dare not let them loose in the shopping centre. Thanks so much bye-bye!" He fled.  
  
Ukyo gazed vacantly into space. "Yeah. Sure. Anything you say." She turned round as R- A tapped her on the arm.  
  
"Uh ... Do you want us to do anything? Get you anything?" he asked cautiously.  
  
"Do you feel all right?" She squinted at him. "No blond bit. You're the nice guy, right?"  
  
"Umm ... yeah?"  
  
"A very strong alcoholic drink and an explanation would do me for a start." She looked at them. "Where did you all come from? There's enough of you to form a pop group for christsake!"  
  
R-C sniggered. "\, Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know \,"  
  
Ryoga-chan joined in. "\, That something wasn't right here \,"  
  
"\, Oh baby baby I shouldn't have let you go  
  
And now you're right outside me \," they sang in unison  
  
The two boys chimed in too "\, Show me how you wanted to be,  
  
Tell me baby cause I need to know now  
  
what we've got\," They split into two parts.  
  
"\, My loneliness is killing me (And I)  
  
I must confess I still believe (Still believe!)  
  
When you're not with me well you're not mine  
  
Give me a sign (Altogether now!)  
  
Hit me baby one more time!\,"  
  
~~~~~  
  
*Note- That song is originally sung in English, but I don't know any Japanese songs I could've used instead. Scratch that. I don't know any Japanese songs at all. I listen to the radio far too much, but I will try to cut down on adding song parts into my writing.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo stared at them in total and absolute amazement. "T-that was incredible! That was really, really good!"  
  
"Well, it works better with four of us than it did with one," Ryoga-chan said with a grin.  
  
"At least we all know the words, anyway," R-C added.  
  
R-D snorted. "That's 'cause he has way too much spare time!"  
  
"Too much spare time?! There's no such thing!" R-A hit him on the arm.  
  
"Don't you hit me, you sissy!"  
  
"It was only a joke!"  
  
"HEY!" Ukyo yelled. "You mess up the restaurant, you pay for damages! Now ... who's who again? Oh, this is just too stupid. Stay here." She walked out of the room and reappeared a few minuets with a bundle of clothes. "Here. Put some different clothes on so I can tell you apart. Which of you girls is which?"  
  
"R-C is the one grabbing all the little skirts," Ryoga-chan pointed out. She took the kettle of water from Ukyo and poured it over her head. "Much better!" *Now my clothes fit!*  
  
R-C looked up from the pile of clothes. "I still think you should look for a waitress job with me."  
  
You could almost see the light bulb go *ping* above Ukyo. She grabbed a cup of cold water and tipped it over R-A and Ryoga. "What was that for?!! I just got changed back!" Ryoga-chan yelled.  
  
"I couldn't remember who was who," she explained to R-A. "Twin waiters and twin waitresses. How would you guys like a job here?"  
  
End Part VI  
  
Final song - One More Time  
  
==================  
  
PART VII  
  
Look before you leap.  
  
==================  
  
"This uniform doesn't fit," R-C whined.  
  
Ukyo gritted her teeth. "It fit's Ryoga-chan so it fits you."  
  
"Don't call me that!" Ryoga-chan snapped.  
  
Ukyo and R-C ignored her. "It's too tight in the chest ..." R-C continued.  
  
*CLANG*  
  
Ukyo examined the dent in her spatula. "Do you want the job or not? From what I've heard of your shopping list, you need this job a lot. The attraction of two twin sets will bring in lots of customers, lots of tips and lots of wages."  
  
R-C pouted. "It doesn't suit me."  
  
Ukyo turned and whacked Ryoga-chan over the head. "OW! What was that for?! She's the one complaining!"  
  
"She's your female side and it's because of you she's here!"  
  
"WHAT?!!" Ryoga-chan's battle aura flared. "That's not fair! I got struck by lightning!"  
  
R-C quickly cut in. "The uniform fits OK now, lets get changed back into our other clothes. Ranma and the others should be here soon." They ignored her.  
  
"You should know better than to wave metal poles around in an electrical storm!"  
  
"The storm hadn't even started! I just picked up a tent pole and BOOM! Next thing I know, it's morning and the whole area's fried!" She lowered her voice. "They may be annoying, but it's because of them that I'm even alive!"  
  
"I don't see why they bothered. It's not like anyone would've cared!" Ukyo snarled.  
  
Ryoga-chan stepped back in shock and a deathly silence filled the restaurant. She ripped the uniform off, silently yanked her jumper over her head and ran out of the restaurant. Silenced reigned little longer. Then R- D jumped over the counter with a yell, grabbed Ukyo by the collar and lifted her off the ground. "You insensitive little witch!!! You're supposed to be his friend! Do you have any idea how much that little comment hurt?!!"  
  
R-C glowered at Ukyo, who was wriggling like a fish, gasping for air. R-A sighed. "Open mouth, insert foot. Put her down, R-D."  
  
After a moment he let go. Ukyo collapsed unceremoniously on the floor and took a few deep breaths. She stood up and grabbed a flask of hot water and Ryoga's trousers. "I-I have to apologise to him ... that was way out of line ..." she mumbled, running out of the door.  
  
"Where're you going?" R-C asked.  
  
Ukyo turned and looked at her. "To find Ryoga-chan. So I can apologise. You three can either help me, or stay here."  
  
"We're coming too," R-A replied.  
  
"Yeah. To make sure you don't say anything else dumb like that," R-D muttered angrily.  
  
R-C sighed. "I guess she didn't mean it that much, but you know what our 'bro's' like." She looked over at Ukyo. "We'll help you find him. We may have no sense of direction when it comes to finding place, but finding each other is something we can do easily."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at her reflection in the river with hatred. *It's not me. I'm a guy ... I don't look like that ...* she thought, knowing that no matter how much she denied it, it was really her. Him. She picked up a stick and ran it over the surface. Ripples broke up the image, distorting it. That was better. She could almost pretend it was her male reflection looking up at her. She lifted the stick and looked at the water again. After a moment the ripples faded and the image formed. Girl. A delicate feminine face. With a growl she stirred up the water viciously so it was impossible to see anything. *Why am I bothering? She's right. Girl or guy, no-one would care if I had died. No-one at all.* Tears ran down her face. *I'd still be alone ... unloved ...* She rubbed a sleeve across her face. Ukyo's cruel words ran through her mind again, bringing fresh tears to her eyes. *I'm never going to get Akane. I'm nothing to her.* She stirred the water again, not wanting the female face to settle. *I can't even stand to live with being half girl, how could anyone else?* For the first time he understood why Ranma hated his girl side so much. At least as a pig, he'd still been a guy. Being a girl playing havoc with his ... her self- identifying. And there were enough of him around anyway. Nobody ever knew which one he was, either, which didn't quite help the identity crisis he was going through. She stiffened, sensing someone behind her.  
  
"Umm ... hi ..." Ukyo sat down next to her. Ryoga-chan ignored her and carried on stirring. Ukyo continued cautiously. "I just ... really have to apologise for what I said."  
  
"Why?" she asked quietly.  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Because it was mean and cruel and totally uncalled for. Just because Ra ..Ranchan was paying more attention to you and your other selves than he was to me." She looked at the floor in embarrassment. "I was jealous of all the attention you'd been getting and I wanted to hurt you. I'm ... I'm sorry. I didn't think," she whispered, "you'd get so upset."  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at the ripples. "Why?"  
  
"Because it's not even true!" Ukyo jumped to her feet. "We'd all've been upset if you'd died!"  
  
She laughed a bitter laugh. "Feh. You'd all think I'd gotten lost again. By the time you all found out I was gone, you'd have forgotten who I was. No one would care. Nobody even likes me. I'm just the weirdo who pops up every so often to kill Ranma and always fails." The tears began to well up again and she wiped her face angrily. "Nobody c-cares how I f- feel or how m-m- much it h-hurts ..."  
  
Ukyo knelt down next to her. "Come on, cheer up Ryoga-chan ..."  
  
Ryoga-chan jumped to her feet. "DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" she screamed. Ukyo backed away, startled. "I HATE IT!! I _HATE_ IT!!!" She grabbed Ukyo's spatula and hacked at the water with it, destroying her reflection. "I'M NOT A GIRL! I WON'T BE A GIRL!" Sobbing, she caught sight of herself in the spatula's metal surface. She struck the ground with it over and over. "I AM A GUY!! I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND I ALWAYS WILL!!!" The metal shattered and Ryoga-chan fell to the ground.  
  
Ukyo looked at her in shock. She'd never seen Ryoga lose it so badly before. Maybe all this was harder on her than anyone thought. If anyone did think. Now that she actually thought about it, it would be very freaky. She reached out and touched Ryoga-chan on the shoulder, suddenly feeling sorry for her. Ryoga-chan shied away from her and stood up. "Don't touch me," she growled. "Where're all the others?"  
  
"Over there." Ukyo pointed at the other three Ryoga's watching them though the trees. "We've brought your trousers and some hot water." She gave her a weak smile. "I'm sorry. I-if you don't want to be a waitress it's OK."  
  
Ryoga-chan pulled on her trousers and poured the hot water over her head. "I'll think about it," he promised. "We should get back now."  
  
End Part VII  
  
Final song - Travelling Riverside Blues  
  
===========  
  
PART IIX  
  
Poison.  
  
===========  
  
"You know what?" Ukyo flipped an okonomiyaki with obvious expertise.  
  
"What?" Ryoga asked.  
  
"If you died now, we'd know about it. Especially with that lot wreaking havoc all over town."  
  
Ryoga thought about it for a second, before realising she was right. "Hmm."  
  
"Okonomiyaki. On the house."  
  
"Oh. Thanks."  
  
~~~~~  
  
On the roof, a familiar figure was lurking. "Ranma darling will be mine! I shall eliminate the other foolish girls carefully this time ... hohohohohohohohohoho!!! Yes, it was Kodachi. "If I cannot kill them, I shall make sure they are ... otherwise engaged, to put it simply. Hohohohohohohohohohoho!!!" Looking through the skylight, she waited ... and tipped a small bag of powder over the okonomiyaki on the grill. "If the peasant Hibiki is the only customer there, then logic concludes it would be for him. Hohohoh ..." She stopped in mid cackle. Were her eyes deceiving her, or was that another Hibiki boy?! And another! She couldn't be seeing double - one of them had a blond streak in his hair. And now there was another girl ... dressed identically to the boys ... looking just like the boys ... but obviously not a boy. She fumbled with her camera and took a quick photo to make sure she hadn't inhaled any poison. She had a few different sachets with her. *Ah ... one of the boys is picking up the okonomiyaki ...*  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Why do we keep going back to the subject of death?" R-A asked. "It's totally morbid."  
  
"Because you are still here, and our injuries from the lightning are not." Ryoga picked up his okonomiyaki. "You said that maybe you had to stay here until I died and I just wonder how long that'll be." He bit into it.  
  
"Long enough," R-C said flippantly.  
  
Kodachi poison#35z took effect quickly. Ryoga blacked out and landed on the floor in a heap. Ukyo gave a squeal of horror and jumped over the counter. "Oh no! I've killed him! My okonomiyaki's killed him!"  
  
R-D looked surprised. "No, he's OK. Otherwise someone's really screwed up."  
  
Ukyo shook Ryoga by the shoulders. "Wake up, you jackass!" There was no response and she glared at his duplicates. "Well don't just stand there, phone Dr Tofu or something!"  
  
The other three immediately jumped to attention and all tried to find the phone. Not an easy task with the Hibiki sense of direction. R-D found the phone first. "Doc's on his way now," he confirmed. He looked curiously at Ukyo, who was still trying to wake Ryoga up. "Why so concerned? He'll be fine. He's not going anywhere yet."  
  
Ukyo groaned. "I know. But what if you're wrong? Or even worse, what if more of you turn up?"  
  
R-C snickered. "Yeah. There'll be his inner child and inner adult, paranoia and confidence..."  
  
"Enough already!" She gestured to them. "Someone try to find a blanket without destroying my restaurant. No, stay here, I'll get one."  
  
Outside, Kodachi's laugh echoed through the night.  
  
~~~~~  
  
It was a tight squeeze in the spare room. Especially with the shopping too. Ryoga was lying on a futon with R-A, R-C and R-D sat around the edge. Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, Nabiki and Dr Tofu stood around them.  
  
"Poison?" R-A asked again weakly.  
  
Dr Tofu nodded. "Yes. A non-lethal poison, but a poison never the less."  
  
Ranma groaned. "I bring 'em here so they can't get into trouble and he gets himself poisoned!"  
  
Ukyo looked ill. "It's my fault, isn't it? It was the okonomiyaki, wasn't it, Dr?"  
  
"Not the okonomiyaki itself, somebody must have sprinkled a powdered poison onto it."  
  
"I'll have to throw the rest of today's batter away then" she decided. "It's all my fault!!!"  
  
Akane looked her friend. "I'm sure it wasn't really you're fault, Ukyo."  
  
"Hah! If only!" She turned back to Dr Tofu. "Will he be OK?"  
  
"Hmm?" Dr Tofu looked at her. "Oh, yes, he'll be fine. I don't suggest you move him, just let him sleep it off."  
  
"OK," Ranma proclaimed. "We'll take the other three and the shopping home. Are you OK, Ucchan?"  
  
"Hmm?" She dragged her gaze away from the unconscious Ryoga and looked at her fiance. "Yeah. I'm OK. I was just thinking."  
  
"At least we'll be able to tell them apart!" Ranma said with a grin. "When Ryoga's Ryoga, he looks just like R-A and when she's Ryoga-chan she looks just like R-C."  
  
"Mmm." Ukyo though about that for a second. "Ranchan, can I talk to you for a second?"  
  
"Yeah?" He looked at her.  
  
She dragged him out of the room. "I don't think you should antagonise Ryoga by calling him Ryoga-chan as a girl."  
  
He looked at her, puzzled. "Why? What's the harm? We always antagonise each other." Ukyo briefly explained the day's events, edited of course. Ranma shrugged. "Sounds like typical Ryoga behaviour to me. Don't get so worried about it."  
  
R-D poked his head around the corner. "What are you two doing?"  
  
"Talking."  
  
"Damn!" R-D sighed. *Why can't you just marry Ukyo and leave Akane for Ryoga?!*  
  
R-A poked his head around the corner too. "OK? Ukyo, cheer up a bit. Do you want any of us to stay here and keep you company?"  
  
"No, that's alright. There's not much room here anyway." She followed them back into the room where R-C was examining some of the clothes.  
  
"Did you get some pyjamas?"  
  
"Red bag underneath the khaki culottes," Akane pointed out. "Why not wait till we get back to the Dojo before going through it all?"  
  
R-C thought for a moment. "Yeah. I just wanted to check for the essentials. Speaking of which, did you get the Sailor Moon CD?"  
  
"HMV bag."  
  
"And the ..."  
  
"Check when we get back!" Akane repeated with a long suffering sigh. "If I've forgotten anything, we can go shopping again tomorrow."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Elsewhere in town, Shampoo and Cologne were having a heated discussion.  
  
"Shampoo, this is the last chance you'll have to get Ranma back," Cologne repeated.  
  
"But Shampoo still no understand why!"  
  
Cologne waved the photograph at her, which had been given to Ranma a few days ago and had found it's way into her hands. "I know this is a fake. You know it's a fake. I suppose even Son-in-law knows it's a fake..."  
  
Shampoo snatched the photograph from her and crumpled it up. "Stupid Mousse NEVER defeat Shampoo, Ranma know that. Why he pretend this real?!"  
  
Cologne tried to think of a nice way to put it. "Son-in-law ... I think he's scared of commitment. He sees this photograph as a way out of his engagement to you. That we could deal with, if this was the only copy. But that awful Nabiki Tendo has made more copies and given them to her contacts, saying that if we make any attempt to win back Son-in-law now, she'll send it to our village."  
  
"So how we stop her?" Shampoo looked at her great-grandmother in despair. "If council find this photograph, they make Shampoo marry Mousse."  
  
Cologne held up two bottles. "This the last bit we have left of either. Make sure you do not fail."  
  
Shampoo read the labels on the bottles written in mandarin. "Shampoo 411 and love potion? Why we not use sooner?"  
  
Cologne sighed. "We wanted him to come to China on his own free will. Now, this potion will make him fall madly in love with the first person of the opposite sex he sees. Make sure he is male, and make sure no other girls are around."  
  
Shampoo nodded. "Shampoo give it to Ranma tomorrow morning, make sure spatula girl and gorilla girl not around."  
  
End Part IIX  
  
Final song - Poison  
  
================================  
  
PART IX  
  
The best laid plans of mice and (wo)men ...  
  
================================  
  
R-C yawned and stretched. *Morning already. Guess I'd better bag the bathroom before everyone wakes up.* She washed quickly, then pulled on some of her new clothes. *Nice morning for a stroll ... I'll go to Ucchans and see how my other half is.*  
  
~~~~~  
  
*Note - Although the four Ryoga's are not quadruplets, they all have a special link, like some twins and triplets do. They will always be able to find each other, which is why R- C was able to find the Dojo after they'd all gotten there too. She is now working on the assumption that she will be able to find her way there and back again, providing that none of the others decide to go for a walk too.  
  
~~~~~  
  
She bounced from roof to roof, looking at the streets below, hoping that their general unclutteredness was simply because it was early morning and not because she'd left the city. Purple hair caught her eye. *Shampoo. Good. That means I'm still in Tokyo." She looked at Shampoo a little longer. *Wonder who she's delivering to so early in the morning?*  
  
A mean thought popped into her head. A thought worthy of R-D. She wasn't entirely fond of Shampoo. After all, she'd tried to kill Akane, and the whole soap fiasco had been very hard on Ryoga. Although R-C didn't share the love for Akane that her 'brothers' did, she did share the anger towards Shampoo.  
  
Shampoo's reputation as a delivery girl would take a blow if she didn't deliver the ramen within half an hour, and R-C hadn't had any breakfast. She silently waited for Shampoo to walk underneath her, then reached down and grabbed the delivery box from her.  
  
Shampoo looked around in surprise as the box vanished from her grip. "Wha ...?"  
  
A giggle made her look up just in time to see R-C gobble down the last of the ramen. "Very nice. Thanks for the food!"  
  
Shampoo was seized by a terrible rage. This stranger had stolen her spiked ramen - RANMA'S ramen and eaten it. All of it. Now she'd lost Ranma. "You ... you ..."  
  
R-C began her roof to roof trek to Ucchans again. "Better get back to the Cat Café and make some more," she called over her shoulder. Next moment, a bonbori struck her between the shoulder blades, knocking her flat on her face.  
  
Shampoo leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Bandanna girl eat Shampoo ramen. Bandanna girl - KILL!!!"  
  
R-C rolled over and the bonbori went crashing through the roof. "Wha... what was that for?!!" she yelled, jumping to her feet. "It's only ramen!"  
  
"SPECIAL ramen!" Shampoo lashed out again. "Shampoo kill bad bandanna girl!"  
  
"Special?" R-C blinked, dodging the bonbori strikes. "You mean you spiked it?!" Remembering the love pill incident, she pulled her bandanna over her eyes and jumped to the ground. This _did_ mean it was hard to see where Shampoo was going to strike. She ran through buildings back towards the Tendo Dojo.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Where's R-C?" Akane asked, looking around the breakfast table.  
  
R-A shrugged. "Gone for a walk." He handed her a bowl of miso soup.  
  
"What? Won't she get dreadfully lost?" Ranma asked. "Can I have her breakfast?"  
  
R-D bopped him over the head. "No you can't. As long as we're here, she'll be able to find her way back."  
  
Nabiki sat down. "So if we know where one of you is, you'll know where any of the others are?" She sighed. "Damn! There's goes all the interest piling up while half of you vanished and couldn't be found."  
  
"Good morning!" a cheery voice proclaimed. Ukyo and Ryoga entered the room, Ukyo now with a new spatula.  
  
"Ukyo, Ryoga, welcome! I'm sorry we haven't got any breakfast left but you're welcome to have some tea" Kasumi said, indicating the table.  
  
"Make mine with three sugars." Ukyo sat down next to Ranma. "He found his own way here! Can you believe it?! I turned around to buy a newspaper, thought I'd lost him, and he was still on the right path!" She held a hand to her head. "I'm in shock!"  
  
Genma appeared at the table. "Any food left?"  
  
"Sorry, Uncle Saotome. It's all gone," Kasumi said sorrowfully.  
  
Genma glared at Ranma. "How dare you deprive you father of his breakfast?" In one swift movement, he threw his son into the pond.  
  
"Hey! What was that for?!" Ranma-chan spluttered. "It's all the extra Ryoga's!" She dragged herself out of the pond and back to the table. "And you've drunk all the hot water too," she moaned, glaring at Ryoga.  
  
Ryoga glared back. "Don't drip all over me." In response, Ranma-chan tipped a glass of cold water over him. "HEY! You little ..."  
  
The argument was stopped abruptly by the arrival of R-C, who luckily came in through the open door. "Where on earth am I now?!"  
  
R-D blinked. "Why are you blindfolded?" He reached out to pull it away.  
  
"NONONO DON'T TOUCH!!" She smacked his hands away. "I pinched some spiced ramen from Shampoo and she's given me the kiss of death, but I don't know where she is now."  
  
"Shampoo spiced ramen? It was probably for me." Ranma-chan looked out of the doorway. "Judging by the wave of destruction you've left, I don't think it'll be long before she arrives."  
  
R-C groaned. "What do I do? Can someone lead me to Dr Tofu's? I need a cure for this love thing before I take off the bandanna to fight her."  
  
Akane nodded, then remembered that R-C couldn't see her. "I'll take you. I know how you feel." They both left, Akane telling R-C about the love pills, R-C pretending she didn't know anything about it.  
  
R-A stood up. "I'll boil a kettle."  
  
"Make sure there's only enough for Ryoga," R-D called.  
  
Ranma-chan stuck her tongue out at him and opened her mouth to say something nasty in reply. "..."  
  
The wall caved in. "Bandanna girl I kill!" Shampoo roared. She now had a sword with her, which whistled across the room and embedded itself in the wall just above Ryoga-chan's head.  
  
"Wait! You've got the wrong person!" she protested, jumping out of the way of another attack.  
  
"I give you kiss of death, now you die!" She yanked the sword out of the wall and swung it in a gleaming arc towards Ryoga-chan's neck. Ryoga-chan dodged and the sword narrowly missed R-D.  
  
"Be careful with that thing!" he yelled angrily, grabbing her wrist and throwing the sword across the room.  
  
"Bandanna boy let Shampoo go!" Shampoo struggled wildly.  
  
Ranma-chan leaned over. "I'd let go if I was you, before it counts as a defeat and you end up marrying her," she whispered.  
  
R-D snarled and let go of her. "Be a girl and beat her up," he called to Ryoga-chan. "Ignore your angel side for a moment - you're a girl!"  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. *I'd better do what he says before she hurts one of the girls with that sword.* She dodged another attack from Shampoo and punched her in the back of the head. Shampoo slumped to the ground unconscious.  
  
R-A walked back in with a kettle. "Here's hot water for both of you," he said, handing the kettle to Ranma-chan and ignoring the chaos.  
  
"W-will she be alright?" Ukyo asked.  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded. "Yes. But I wish hadn't done it." She took the kettle from Ranma.  
  
Shampoo woke up just in time to see Ryoga-chan pour the hot water over herself. She blinked a few times. "B-bandanna boy bandanna girl?! But how?!" She looked around the room. "Why there three bandanna boys?" Then she remembered the situation at hand and narrowed her eyes. "You still eat Shampoo ramen..." she muttered, picking up a glass of water. "Girl-type, I KILL!"  
  
"Why did we all get different clothes?" Ryoga growled. "If she didn't know who was who ..." He jumped out of the path of the water.  
  
"She doesn't. That's the problem," R-A pointed out.  
  
Shampoo threw another glass of water at Ryoga, which he dodged again. "Stay still!"  
  
"No way!"  
  
With a growl, she stomped out of the Dojo. The momentary sigh of relief from everyone was short-lived when she re-appeared with a garden hose.  
  
"Not in my Dojo!" Soun wailed. Shampoo ignored him and turned it on. Nabiki dragged her sister out of the room, closely followed by R-D. R-A, Ryoga and Ranma managed to dodge the water stream, but Genma and Ukyo were not quite so lucky, instantly soaked through.  
  
Ranma jumped over the water stream, grabbed the hose from Shampoo and turned it off. "Shampoo, would you listen!"  
  
Shampoo whacked him over the head. "Ranma stay out of this!" She renewed her water attack. "Bad boy stay still, let Shampoo kill!"  
  
Ukyo stormed over to her and stood on the hose. "How dare you hit Ranchan!"  
  
Shampoo glared at her. "Spatula girl get out of way. I give girl-type Ryoga kiss of death, girl-type Ryoga I kill."  
  
"But you didn't give Ryoga the kiss of death," Ukyo tried to explain.  
  
The bonbori hurled through the air towards her. "Obstacle, DIE!"  
  
Ryoga ripped off one of his bandannas and threw it across the room. "Stop this!"  
  
The handle of the bonbori sliced cleanly in half and the top half whacked Shampoo in the head. She fell to the ground for the second time that day.  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Thanks." She took her foot off the hose.  
  
Ryoga-chan and Ranma-chan glared at her. "You couldn't have turned that off, could you?"  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Can't we tie her up or something?" Ukyo was referring, of course, to Shampoo, who was currently out cold on a futon. "She's just going to go berserk when she wakes up."  
  
"I know ... but it just seems a bit mean." R-A sighed. "Maybe she'll listen this time."  
  
R-D snorted. "Hah. Whatever you've stolen from Kodachi, stop taking it. It's messing up your mind."  
  
Ranma nodded. "Much as I hate to say it, he's right. Shampoo's really angry about this."  
  
Ryoga groaned. "Why? Why can't she just go back to her café and plot with her great- grandmother about their next plans?" He shook his head. "I've mucked up her plans before - why is she hell-bent on my destruction now?"  
  
Ranma coughed. "Well, uh ... this is kinda like her last chance to get me ..."  
  
R-D grabbed his collar. "Spill."  
  
Nabiki handed him a letter and a photograph. "Ranma got this through the post last week. It's obviously faked, but so what?"  
  
Ryoga, R-A and Ukyo craned their heads to get a look in. "Mousse defeated Shampoo?!!" Ryoga shook his head. "Yep. Definitely fake."  
  
R-A shrugged. "Well, not necessarily - he might really ... ack."  
  
R-D shook him. "Do you really think Mousse would hurt Shampoo?"  
  
Nabiki ignored them. "The letter's the real proof."  
  
Ukyo read it aloud. "Dear Ranma, Mousse has defeated me in battle, because this had happened after you defeated me, that makes him my suitor. I have decided to marry Mousse and bother you no more hope we can be friends Shampoo?" She sighed. "Whoever really wrote this was bananas. Shampoo can barely say all that in Japanese, let alone spell it."  
  
"Exactly." Nabiki took back the photo and letter. "I made lots of copies and told Cologne that if they didn't do as the letter said, I'd order my contacts to send a few copies to her village." She looked at Shampoo. "My guess is, she was going to make Ranma fall in love with her and use that shampoo to erase my memory." She smirked. "Pity the shampoo's gone down the sink."  
  
"You never cease to amaze me," Ranma said in glee. "Thanks to you and R-C, I'm saved!"  
  
"I guess that's it then, son-in-law." Everyone whipped round to see Cologne standing in the doorway. She sighed. "I should have accompanied Shampoo. But I was afraid you'd see me first. Then I'd have to face my great- granddaughter's wrath."  
  
Shampoo groaned and opened her eyes. "Ugh ... great-grandmother?"  
  
"We never got around to tying her up, did we?" R-A said casually.  
  
"Feh. Any one of us could take her, anytime," R-D snorted.  
  
"Yeah, well you don't have to worry about it, do you?" Ryoga pointed out.  
  
Cologne bounced over to them. "May I ask why you are now three people?"  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "You can ask. But if Shampoo murders me, you won't get an answer."  
  
Shampoo turned to them. "Bad boy! How dare you hit Shampoo?! I KILL!"  
  
Cologne pointed her staff at her. "Wait, Shampoo. This boy did not eat the ramen."  
  
"Finally! That's what I've been trying to say!" Ryoga banged his fist against the floor, leaving a large hole. "Oops."  
  
Shampoo stopped. "But Shampoo SEE him eat ramen. He bandanna girl, eat Shampoo ramen. I give her kiss of death. Then I see bandanna girl turn back into bandanna boy, so Shampoo try turn him girl again to kill..." she trailed off.  
  
"But he beat you. Hmm. New curse, boy?" Cologne balanced on her staff. "Sit down, Shampoo." Shampoo did so, with much reluctance. "Now, if he'd eaten the ramen, he would be madly in love with someone here. Which he isn't." Shampoo opened her mouth to protest and Cologne shot her a warning look. "Also, it may have failed to grab your attention, but if you look closely, you will see that there are three Ryoga's in this room. If I'm guessing correctly, there is a fourth one as well, yes?"  
  
Everybody nodded. "I'm his good side, he's the bad side .."  
  
*BONK*  
  
"OUCH!" R-A rubbed his head. "What was that for?"  
  
Ryoga and R-D glared at him. "Let them stay confused. I have a bad feeling about this," R-D snarled.  
  
"But maybe things will all work out well..."  
  
"When have things EVER worked out well?!!"  
  
Cologne looked at them. "I have heard many legends about this. Let me guess, you nearly got killed in a freak accident that wasn't supposed to happen, and various aspects of yourself turned up at the scene to share your injuries?"  
  
Ryoga glared at his other selves. "Putting it simply, yes. Can you get rid of them?"  
  
*A good and a bad - two opposites. The girl must be his alternate self, and now his curse has been altered so that he becomes a girl.* Cologne puzzled it all over. *How confusing.* She snapped back to attention. "Come on Shampoo, we need to talk." She hopped out of the window.  
  
"Wait!" Ryoga jumped to his feet to run after her, but Shampoo appeared in his way.  
  
"I go now. But this not over!" She jumped out of the window after Cologne.  
  
Ryoga sighed, then looked at the mass destruction to the Dojo. "The bill for all this goes to them, not me, OK?"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Cologne tried to explain things to her great-granddaughter once again. It was now getting very frustrating. She tried again. "Shampoo, you can not kill Ryoga. As a girl or as a boy."  
  
Shampoo glared at her. "You say strange bandanna-girl part of bandanna-boy, so Shampoo can kill bandanna-boy. They same person."  
  
She tried again. "Technically yes, they are the same person. But you still can't kill them."  
  
"WHY?!!"  
  
Time to drop the bomb. "For starters, it wouldn't be a nice thing to do to your future husband." She waited a few moments for Shampoo to pick herself off the floor. Outside the doorway, Mousse paused and began to eavesdrop.  
  
"HUSBAND?!!"  
  
Cologne almost laughed at her great-granddaughter's outraged face. "He defeated you in battle. AFTER this fake photo appeared. So his engagement to you outranks Mousses engagement to you ..."  
  
"SHAMPOO NEVER MARRY STUPID BANDANNA-BOY!!!!" Outside the door, Mousse smiled slightly.  
  
"Why not?" he heard Cologne asked. "He's cute."  
  
"Well ..."  
  
"And strong."  
  
"Yes, but ..."  
  
"It's that or Mousse."  
  
"Maybe bandanna-boy not so bad after all." The quickness of the reply made Mousse REALLY mad. He couldn't believe it. He'd been unable to believe his luck when he'd found out about the letter and photo, thinking that Cologne would finally give in and let him marry Shampoo. But now she was engaged to Ryoga? And she preferred it to being engaged to him? A fellow Amazon? Ryoga didn't even like her! It was time to teach Ryoga a lesson. Mousse stormed out of the restaurant in pursuit of his newest rival.  
  
Back inside, Shampoo sighed. "But Shampoo still want Ranma." She smiled at the thought of her beloved.  
  
"Well you can't have Ranma," Cologne snapped.  
  
"But Shampoo not want marry Ryoga. ANY Ryoga," she added. "And what about girl type eat ramen? Shampoo give her kiss of death."  
  
Cologne gritted her teeth in frustration. Why was Shampoo making this so hard?!! "You will marry the original Ryoga. You will not kill his girl half, whether it's him or another him. When we get to China, we will find a way to get rid of the extra three Ryoga's and that will be that." She jumped off the counter. "Now, GET BACK TO WORK!!"  
  
Shampoo quickly shut her mouth and scuttled out of the room. *Shampoo not want to marry ANYONE,* she sulked. *When Shampoo find out who write letter, Shampoo KILL!* With this threat, she pulled on her apron and went back into the restaurant.  
  
Cologne sighed. *That was hard.* She went back into the kitchen. "Mousse ..." She blinked. *Where is that boy?* A thought occurred to her and she left the kitchen swiftly. "Shampoo, I think you should go back to the Tendo Dojo. Mousse is on the warpath." Shampoo gave a long suffering sigh and walked out of the café. Cologne almost laughed. *Mousse will never learn, will he? I think I'll go see how my new son-in-law copes.*  
  
End Part IX  
  
Final song - Looking For Somebody  
  
============================  
  
PART X  
  
How to stop a Mousse from charging.  
  
============================  
  
Soun Tendo looked around his Dojo, weeping buckets. Nabiki wondered vaguely why he always did that - the place always looked like a war site after enraged Amazons passed through. "Daddy, there's no need to cry. We're insured," she reminded him. *Although I intend to land those Amazons with a hefty bill for this*  
  
Soun carried on crying. "Our ancient, ancestral home! It's in ruins! It'll never be the same again!"  
  
Nabiki sighed. "Ranma, Ryogas, wood's in the backyard, nails and tools in the toolbox. Get repairing before Daddy floods the place even more."  
  
Akane arrived, leading R-C. "What on earth happened here?!!"  
  
"Shampoo wanted her ramen back," Ranma joked. "Why's R-C still blindfolded?"  
  
"Dr Tofu's didn't have a cure, but he's looking for one," R-C explained. "He'll phone here later. What's happened?"  
  
The boys explained while repairing the damage. They'd soon finished both, and went back inside. R-C sighed. "When Shampoo turns up, I'll have to face her. I can't let you take the rap."  
  
"But you can't see," Ukyo reminded her.  
  
R-C shrugged. "So? I could take her any day..."  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Everybody jumped at the noise. Mousse stood by a hole in the wall. "HIBIKI, PREPARE TO ... uh ... why are there three of you?"  
  
"Hey! We just fixed that!" Ryoga moaned.  
  
Mousse glared at him. "I said, why are there three of you?"  
  
R-D cut in before Ryoga could reply. "He's really triplets."  
  
"Quadruplets. You forgot R-C" Ranma reminded him.  
  
Mousse shook his head. "Never mind." He fell into a fighting stance. "RYOGA, PREPARE TO DIE ...*THUNK* ...ugh."  
  
Ryoga checked his umbrella to make sure it wasn't dented. "Mousse, do you feel OK?"  
  
"You just smacked him in the head with an umbrella. Of course he's not OK," Ranma interjected.  
  
Mousse clambered slowly to his feet. "The time for talk is over. But I will say this once." He pointed an accusatory finger at Ryoga. "I will NEVER accept your engagement to Shampoo!!!!"  
  
R-C, R-A, Akane, Nabiki and Ukyo all spat their drinks across the table. "WHAT?!!" they all screamed.  
  
R-C picked her jaw off the floor. "I never heard this part of the story!!"  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "Neither did I!!"  
  
"DIE!!"  
  
The girls ran for cover. Well, most of them ran, leaving R-C sat in the middle of the floor, not knowing what direction to turn. (Which was nothing out of the ordinary.)  
  
"WAITWAITWAIT!!!" Ryoga tried to avoid a mass volley of weaponry. "What are you talking about?!!!"  
  
"Shampoo is mine!!!"  
  
A blade went flying past his head. "You can keep her!!"  
  
Mousse flared up. "You allowed yourself to be engaged to her and you don't WANT her?!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!"  
  
Ryoga kicked him and Mousse suddenly found himself blind as his glasses bounced to the floor. Squinting around, he saw a blurry figure, that looked slightly Ryoga-ish. ""you shall not escape!!!"  
  
R-D reached over and pulled R-C to safety as a potentially lethal blade buried itself in the spot she'd been sitting. Ryoga whacked Mousse over the head with his umbrella.  
  
"YOU"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"STUPID"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"BLIND"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"IDIOT!"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"YOU"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"ALMOST"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"KILLED"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"MY"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"SISTER!!!"  
  
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*  
  
"Errr ... Ryoga, don't take this the wrong way, but you may wanna work on your communication skills before you start any kind of work," Ukyo said nervously.  
  
R-D sniggered. "What for? I think Mousse got the message _quite_ clearly."  
  
R-C whipped her head from side to side. "What happened? What's going on?"  
  
Shampoo appeared at the caved in wall. "What happen to stupid Mousse?"  
  
"I'm not going to marry you," Ryoga said quickly.  
  
Cologne appeared at her great-granddaughter's side. "Did you do this to Mousse, son-in- law?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "No I didn't, Ryoga did."  
  
Cologne smirked. "That's who I was talking to."  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "Oh no! No way! I am NOT going to marry Shampoo!" He backed away. "Never! I'm not!" He looked over at Akane, who'd entered the room when she'd realised the immediate danger of decapitation was over. (Somewhere around the 'ill' in 'killed my sister'.) "I'm not going to marry Shampoo!"  
  
Shampoo grinned. "Oh well, that look like that over ..." She turned to leave.  
  
"Shampoo!" Cologne barked.  
  
Shampoo groaned. "He no _want_ marry me ..."  
  
"But Mousse does." Cologne pointed out. Shampoo immediately dropped the bonbori she was holding, dashed across the room and hugged the _very_ shell- shocked Ryoga hard. "Wo ai ne, Airen!!"  
  
Ryoga turned a very dark shade of pink, then fainted.  
  
~~~~~  
  
He wriggled his nose as something tickled it lightly, not quite awake yet. After a moment, the tickling started again, rather as if someone was holding a feather under his nose. (That is one of the most ultra irritating things in the universe, next to Alvin and the Chipmunks and little siblings.) He reached and brushed his face, a slight frown appearing on his face.  
  
Shampoo sighed, and peeked across the room at her great-grandmother. She'd given her a long lecture, telling her to make the best of a bad situation. Ryoga didn't need to know he was second-best, as far as they were concerned, so Shampoo needed to pretend she really did like him or he'd never agree to go to China with them, Cologne had explained. Shampoo didn't quite see why she had to play the loving fiancée while he was unconscious. Cologne was still staring at her intently, so Shampoo immediately resumed playing with Ryoga's hair, pretending she actually cared and feeling slightly guilty because she didn't. Now if it was _Ranma_ who was laying with his head on her lap ... a goofy grin appeared on her face and once again, long tendrils of purple hair brushed against Ryoga's nose.  
  
Ryoga relented and opened his eyes. "Where am I?"  
  
"Nihao, Airen!" Shampoo said with forced cheeriness. "How you feel?"  
  
Cologne picked up Mousse, slung him over her shoulder and jumped out of the window. "Now, Shampoo, explain things carefully to your husband. See you later!"  
  
Shampoo waited until she'd gone, then shoved Ryoga away from her. "Get up, Airen!"  
  
Ryoga sat up. "We're not getting married and that's fin..." Looking around the room, he finally realised everyone was staring at them in a not staring at them kind of way. (Except for R-C, who was still blindfolded.) "...al," he finished weakly.  
  
R-A looked around. "Uh ... I think I left my iron on." He jumped to his feet. Ranma stood up too. "Yeah, I think I left your iron on too." The room emptied quickly.  
  
Shampoo looked sulky. "It either you ..."  
  
"Wait a second," Ryoga interrupted. He walked swiftly over to the door and flung it open.  
  
Ukyo, Ranma and R-D fell on a heap onto the floor, along with three glasses. "We were just, you know, collecting the dirty glasses for Kasumi," Ranma said quickly.  
  
Ryoga glared at him. "I'm not quite _that_ gullible, Saotome. Now get lost!" He slammed the door and walked back over to Shampoo. "What were you saying?"  
  
Shampoo started again. "Great-grandmother say Shampoo marry either you, or Mousse..."  
  
"So you chose me?" Ryoga felt slightly flattered.  
  
"Yes. Shampoo never want marry Mousse!" Shampoo decided she may as well try and act convincing, so she grabbed hold of Ryoga's hands. "Shampoo choose you!"  
  
Ryoga blushed and pulled his hands away. "You don't really want to marry me, do you."  
  
*NO!* she thought. "Yes!" she exclaimed, grabbing his hands back. "Shampoo like you for very long time," she insisted. *No Shampoo don't* her mind whispered. She shook her head a little and smiled brightly at Ryoga. "But Shampoo engaged to silly Ranma." *Shampoo still want to be engaged to silly Ranma.*  
  
Ryoga pulled his hands away again. "You tried to kill me this morning," he pointed out. "You've tried to turn me into lunch, you've bounced off my head, run into me numerous times with your bike, you and Ranma set up a trap for me in the men's baths ..."  
  
"Shampoo not know it you when she make you dinner and bounce on head, bike is accident and why you think Shampoo ambush you in men's bath?" she responded quickly.  
  
"What about this morning?" Ryoga didn't believe a word of it.  
  
Shampoo began to lose her patience. "Shampoo just annoyed last of love potion get stolen. Shampoo upset man she loves have to steal from her..."  
  
Ryoga groaned. "Come on Shampoo, you don't want to marry me and I don't want to marry you. Stop pretending you do. Just marry Mousse. At least then, one of you will get what they want!"  
  
Shampoo was annoyed now. *What Shampoo have to do to make him believe me?!!* True, she didn't want to marry Ryoga, but she wanted to marry Mousse even less. She couldn't understand it. She'd seen him fall for Ranma's dumb disguises many times and all Ranma had to do was glomp the guy. She'd already done that, and seemed to be no closer to winning him over. *Maybe it because he cursed as girl now ...*  
  
Ryoga stood up. "See ya."  
  
"WAIT!" Shampoo glomped him from behind, but still got nothing more than a blush from him. "Where you go?!!"  
  
"I'm going to have something to eat. I haven't had breakfast yet ... or lunch," he replied, opening the door. Ukyo, Ranma and R-D crashed in a heap on the floor again. "What are you lot doing?!! Have you no respect for privacy?!!!"  
  
Shampoo decided it was time for drastic measures. She grabbed Ryoga, spun him round to face her, flung her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. The three witnesses (who'd just picked themselves up) fell over in shock. Ryoga fainted for a second time. Shampoo felt strangely proud. After all, if she could kiss Ryoga without killing either him or her, then she felt the same could be said about marrying him.  
  
End Part X  
  
Final song - Communication Breakdown 


	3. Chapter 1 Parts 11 to 15

Disclaimer Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without permission, as are all other characters from whatever Manga/Anime they're from.  
  
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at www.lovesucks.topcities.com  
  
  
  
PART XI  
  
Quit playing games with my heart.  
  
==========================  
  
"She WHAT?!!" R-C couldn't believe her ears. "I don't believe it!"  
  
"Well she did." Ukyo folded her arms. "Just grabbed him and snogged him, just like that." She stabbed her dinner viciously.  
  
"What did he do?" R-C asked, poking at the table and trying to locate her plate.  
  
"Passed out immediately. What do you think he did?" Ukyo felt savage. *If a guy kissed me like that, I'd make sure I stayed awake!*  
  
"Where the heck is my dinner?" R-C frowned.  
  
Ranma swallowed her fish quickly. "No idea. Maybe the panda ate it."  
  
"You ate my dinner," R-C accused in a dangerous voice.  
  
He laughed nervously. "No, no, it was _necessary! Akane wanted to cook me some dessert..."  
  
"You STOLE _MY_ DINNER?!!! _MY_ _DINNER_?!!!!!!!!!!!" The knife and fork crumpled like tin foil. "First you started by stealing my bread, now it's my entire meal?!!" For R-C, it was the last straw. "RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" she shouted, jumping in his general direction.  
  
Ranma dodged quickly. "Temper, temper!"  
  
R-C snarled. "Shut up. The moment I'm cured, I'm gonna pound you!"  
  
R-A sighed. "You can have the rest of my dinner, R-C." He moved it out of Ranma's reach. "I said R-C, not Ranma."  
  
"I said I'm not going to marry you, and I'm still saying I'm not going to marry you!" The voice floated through the door.  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"PLEASE!!!"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"I think Ryoga's awake again," Ranma said, casually leaning over and sneaking a bit more of R-C's food.  
  
R-D bopped him on the head. "Leave it."  
  
Ryoga stomped into the room, Shampoo clinging to the back of his shirt. "You come marry Shampoo, Shampoo want you."  
  
"No." He snatched a bread roll and glared at everyone. "What are you all staring at?" He marched back out of the room.  
  
There was a short pause. "I've never seen Shampoo act that way over Ryoga before," Akane said eventually.  
  
"I've never seen Ryoga resist female advances this much before," Ranma responded. "Things change."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Shampoo was very annoyed. And hurt. Ryoga should've been putty in her hands by now, but he was acting as if nothing had happened between them. A little niggling doubt sprung up in the back of her mind. *Maybe Shampoo ... not pretty at all. Only Mousse like Shampoo, and Mousse blind anyway. Maybe Akane pretty really ... Ranma like her better, Ryoga like her better, stupid bokken boy like her better.* Shampoo started to cry. It was bad enough she'd already lost Ranma, to Akane, most likely, but now she was losing Ryoga to Akane? It wasn't fair!  
  
Ryoga stopped. "Shampoo?" He turned around and looked at her, slightly concerned. "Shampoo, what's the matter?" *She can't really be upset because I don't want to marry her ... can she? She doesn't even like me. Then again ...* He remembered the first time Shampoo had met the male Ranma. *She _did_ fall for him pretty quick ...*  
  
Shampoo sat down and buried her head in her arms. "Shampoo want you! Shampoo want you to like her!!" She began to bawl.  
  
Ryoga sat down next to her. "Um ..." *Oh, great start, Einstein!* "... well, I ..." *And that was supposed to be better?!!* He gritted his teeth. "Cheer up now, Shampoo ..."  
  
Shampoo hugged him again, leaning her head against his chest. She didn't stop crying, though. "Shampoo lonely ..."  
  
Ryoga blushed again and tried to think of something encouraging to say. After a few minutes, he gave up trying to think of anything and just let her cry into his shirt. He stoked her hair absently and drifted into thought.  
  
Shampoo sniffled. *Shampoo want Ranma ...* She closed her eyes and pretended it was Ranma she was hugging, Ranma whose arms she was in, Ranma who was stroking her hair and whispering that everything was going to be all right ...  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo poked him with her spatula. "Well he's breathing, so my diagnosis is that he is merely sleeping."  
  
Ryoga yawned and opened his eyes. "Mmm?"  
  
"Hey, Ucchan, maybe you should become a doctor," Ranma teased. "You did a marvellous job of working out that Ryoga wasn't dead."  
  
Ryoga shut his eyes again. "It's too early ..." he mumbled.  
  
Ukyo whacked him with a clang. "You idiot!"  
  
"Ow! What was that for?!!" he protested, propping himself onto his elbows. Shampoo mumbled something in her sleep and tightened her grip an his shirt. "Aah!" Ryoga yelled, scooting away. "What's _she_ doing here?!"  
  
Ranma laughed. "I think you hit him too hard, Ucchan."  
  
Ryoga blinked and the day's events came flooding back to him. "Oh. I remember now. I must have drifted off after Shampoo cried herself to sleep."  
  
"You're lucky Mousse didn't find you two," Ukyo pointed out. "You looked very cozy." She turned on her heel. "Coming back to the Dojo?"  
  
Ryoga picked up Shampoo. "Yeah. Is there anything left to eat? I'm starved..."  
  
~~~~~  
  
R-C grinned. "It's so gooood to be able to see again!"  
  
Dr Tofu grinned back. "You lot are my most regular cases. Anybody else here eat something weird?" he asked.  
  
"Not since Akane last cooked," Ranma said cheerfully.  
  
"RANMA, YOU JERK!!!"  
  
"You might want to stick around though," R-D said.  
  
Ryoga ignored the chaos around him and focused on his red bean bun as if it were the most fascinating thing ever. *Why is it hurting so much to hope?*  
  
*Because you know there isn't any hope.*  
  
*But she kissed me. Maybe she really does like me ...*  
  
*Don't kid yourself. She just doesn't want to marry Mousse.*  
  
*Hmm. But why not try for Ranma again?*  
  
*Nabiki'll send that letter to her village and they'll force her to marry Mousse.*  
  
*But why me?*  
  
Short pause. Followed by another, slightly longer short pause. *I've been searching your whole mind here and there is absolutely nothing here to explain why Shampoo would like you, other than the fact you're single and you can see. You might wanna ask the others,* he finally thought.  
  
*Nooo thanks, I think I'll pass.*  
  
"Staring at that bun isn't going to make it any bigger," Ukyo teased.  
  
Ryoga stood up. "Be back soon."  
  
"Where are you going?" Nabiki asked.  
  
Ryoga grinned. "That'll cost you ..." He crept out of the room while everyone else laughed at Nabiki. The only person who would be able to explain what Shampoo saw in him was Shampoo.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Shampoo opened her eyes sleepily and glanced around the room.  
  
"You awake?"  
  
Shampoo turned around, startled. "Ryoga! You carry Shampoo here?"  
  
"Yes." Ryoga sat down next to her. "Shampoo, what do you like about me?"  
  
Shampoo was caught off guard. "Uh ..." *Nothing* her mind whispered. She frowned. There had to be _something_ nice about him ... what was it Cologne had said? "Um ... you strong?"  
  
Ryoga snorted. "Is that all?!!" He stood up. "If that's all I've got going for me, I don't understand why you love me."  
  
*Oh, I see! He challenge Shampoo ... he not believe Shampoo serious.* She looked at him for a moment. "You cute."  
  
"Liar." Ryoga crossed his arms and scowled. "I've got hair like a mop head, teeth like a vampire and a face only a mother could love." *Ha. Try and make something nice out of that,* he thought smugly.  
  
~~~~~  
  
*Note - Every teenager on the face of the planet hates something about themselves. Even those who are thin or beautiful genuinely believe they have the face and waistline of a woolly mammoth. Of course, some people really _do_ have the face and waistline of a woolly mammoth. But they're usually the ones who believe they're Gods gift to the world.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Shampoo blinked. "Shampoo like your hair!" she protested. "Shampoo like to run fingers through it." *That sort of true, anyway.* "Neko Shampoo have teeth like you." *That true too ...* "Shampoo want be mother one day, so love face." *Ha! Take that, too too stubborn boy!*  
  
Ryoga thought for a moment. *O-kay then ...* "What about my personality?" *If you can find something nice hidden in with 'emotional screwup' and 'gullible idiot' I'll consider marrying you.*  
  
Shampoo thought for a while. "Errr ..." *This hard ...*  
  
Ryoga waited a little while longer, his spirits falling. *I knew there was nothing nice about me.* He opened the door. "I trust you can find your own way to the Cat Café?" he said quietly.  
  
"Wait, don't go!" Shampoo exclaimed, jumping to her feet and grabbing his arm. With more force than he intended, he pulled himself out of her grip and walked away. Undeterred, Shampoo ran in front of him, blocking his path. "Wait!" Ryoga tried to side- step her and she pushed him backwards.  
  
Ryoga grabbed her wrists. "Stop it, Shampoo." Shampoo looked up at him to yell at him to let go. She almost winced at the pain reflected in his eyes. "Don't play any more games with me." He pushed past her and went outside. It hurt too much to hope any more.  
  
End Part IX  
  
Final song - When Will I Be Loved  
  
==============  
  
PART XII  
  
The Nightwalkers.  
  
==============  
  
Shampoo glared at the wall, wondering what was going wrong. She should've had Ryoga on a leash by now. But she was the one being strung along.  
  
Cologne looked at her. "Shampoo, you were gone quite a while. How did things go with son-in-law?"  
  
Mousse angrily tightened his grip on the glass he was holding. It shattered and ground into dust. *Stupid Ryoga and stupid Cologne and the stupid Amazon laws!* he thought to himself, trying not eavesdrop too obviously.  
  
Shampoo continued glaring at the wall. *Shampoo could've said something! Not matter if true or not! Could've said Ryoga generous, or helpful ...*  
  
"Shampoo, are you listening to me?"  
  
*Or honourable, or honest, or ...*  
  
"Shampoo?"  
  
*Or he cute when he all nervous, and when he disorientated ...*  
  
"SHAMPOO!!!"  
  
Shampoo looked at Cologne in surprise. "Yes, great-grandmother?"  
  
"How did things go with son-in-law?"  
  
Shampoo opened her mouth to say things had gone horribly, she'd done everything wrong, Ryoga hated her and he was never going to marry her and she'd rather die a childless spinster rather than marry Mousse. "Things went fine."  
  
Mousse grumbled to himself and shattered another glass.  
  
Cologne looked surprised. "What, really?"  
  
"Yes. Shampoo go back tomorrow. Alone." *Well, Shampoo _will_ go back tomorrow. Try talk to Ryoga again.*  
  
Cologne grinned. "So what did you two do?"  
  
Shampoo shrugged. She may as well embellish the good stuff. "We took little walk together, *Liar. Ryoga ran off and Shampoo chase after him* took little nap together, *Liar. Shampoo cry herself to sleep alone and Ryoga nice enough to carry Shampoo back.* and Shampoo give Ryoga goodbye kiss." *Liar. That before...*  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Cologne sighed. "Mr Part-time, you'd better sweep up all those glasses."  
  
"Yes Sir," Mousse growled. *You evil, dried up old prune.* He stomped loudly into the kitchen and decided to stay there as long as possible. He didn't want to hear any more. *That bastard! He doesn't even like her!* Mousse narrowed his eyes. That night, he'd pay a little 'visit' to Ryoga ...  
  
~~~~~  
  
Shampoo lay on her bed, looking at the stars and wondering what on earth had possessed her to lie to her great-grandmother. If she'd told the truth, Cologne might have been able to help her ...  
  
She rolled over with a sigh. *Maybe it best Shampoo do this alone.* After all, she reflected, when had her great-grandmother's plans even gone smoothly? Never. Even with the strongest magic and the most watertight plans, something always went wrong. No, she'd win Ryoga's trust and love on her own, even if it was the last thing she ever did.  
  
*Trust and ... love?* She ran that sentence through her mind again. It was still the same the second time round. *Shampoo not care if Ryoga love her, just want Ryoga believe her,* she thought in surprise. *He love gorilla girl.* But then ... surely he'd have to fall in love with Shampoo before he would leave Japan - and Akane - behind him. *Unless someone else get gorilla girl first...*  
  
She stiffened at the sound of a creak, and turned slowly. A tall silhouette crept past her doorway. Shampoo blinked. *Mousse?*  
  
~~~~~  
  
The Tendo Dojo was silent. There were no crashes, thuds, bangs or death threats. That was mainly because one, it was three thirty in the morning and two, the four Ryoga's had decided to stay at Ucchans. For two reasons. One, because they all liked her (as a friend!), and two, Ryoga had finally agreed to be a waitress and it would be easier on them to stay there. Mousse realised this after a short while, and headed away in the direction of the okonomiyaki restaurant. Shampoo followed him silently from the shadows, already guessing his destination and purpose.  
  
Ukyo and R-C slept soundly in one room, R-D, R-C and Ryoga in another. Mousse carefully entered the room, then realized what the main problem would be. He looked from one version of Ryoga to another, wondering who was who. *Ah well, if I'm going to get rid of one Ryoga, why not just make it three?* He crept over to the nearest.  
  
He sensed Shampoo, rather than saw her, and jumped to one side to avoid the cold water she threw at him. It hit R-A square in the face. "HEY" he shouted.  
  
R-D and Ryoga were awake at once. R-D hit the light switch, temporarily blinding them all. Mousse lifted up a large blade and swung it at the nearest Ryoga, who was, in fact, the real Ryoga.  
  
"No, Mousse!!!" The next bucket of water was bang on target. Shampoo picked Mousse up by the neck and shook him. "Bad Mousse! Shampoo no let you hurt Ryoga!" She looked at Ryoga in concern. "Ryoga ... not hurt?"  
  
Ryoga was still trying to puzzle out what had happened. "I-I don't think so ..."  
  
Ukyo and R-C raced into the room just in time to see Shampoo drop Mousse on the floor and glomp Ryoga. "Shampoo so happy!!!" she squealed.  
  
Ukyo picked up her spatula and whacked Ryoga over the head with it. "What the hell is going on here?!! Some people are trying to get to sleep!" she fumed. *And how dare he smuggle Shampoo up here?!! After all I've done for him too!!*  
  
Shampoo picked up Mousse. "I go now. Night, night, Airen." She disappeared out of the window.  
  
Ukyo stood poised. "You've got five seconds to explain yourself."  
  
"What?! What did I do now?" Ryoga protested. The spatula flew through the air. "Ah, waitwaitwait!" he wailed, covering his head with his hands.  
  
The spatula stopped. "Go on then."  
  
"M-Mousse came to kill me and Shampoo ... uh ... saved us," he babbled.  
  
"That's right." R-A nodded. "She soaked me too," he added mournfully.  
  
Ukyo hefted her spatula back onto her shoulder. "OK," She relented. "But in future, please tell your fiancee to kindly keep her nightly visits down to a bare minimum?" She paused for a second. "Make that a fully clothed minimum actually. Or you can go live with _her_ in _her_ little crummy café and do what you want."  
  
Ryoga blushed and stuck his tongue out at her. R-D wasn't so quiet. "Jeez, what's your problem?!! Anyone would think you were jealous, the fuss you're making!"  
  
Ukyo snarled. The spatula swung.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"No hot liquids, you got that?" Ryoga-chan repeated. "If I get turned back into a guy, dressed like this, I'll kill myself."  
  
"We've been over this like, twenty times!" Ukyo exclaimed. "You don't carry any hot stuff unless everyone else is occupied. Then, if you do trip and become a guy, it's your own stupid fault."  
  
R-D adjusted his uniform. "I have a question. When this place is crowded, we won't be able to find our way around. I mean, we can barely find our way out now. So what do we do?"  
  
Ukyo growled. *The infamous Hibiki sense of direction strikes again.* She hadn't actually thought about it until now. "You do your best or get spatulated."  
  
R-A and R-C laughed nervously. "Good answer."  
  
The customers began to arrive and the staff got busy.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Ranma, you have some mail," Kasumi called.  
  
"Thanks Kasumi!" Ranma grabbed the letter and hopped back into his room to read it. He frowned. He read it again. The words stayed in exactly the same places as before. He went to find Akane, who read it to make sure Ranma hadn't suddenly forgotten how to read.  
  
"We need to talk to Ukyo about this," Akane decided.  
  
Ranma agreed.  
  
End Part XII  
  
Final Song - Jumping At Shadows  
  
================  
  
PART XIII  
  
Just good friends.  
  
================  
  
"Right, now let's see ... we have Camomile tea, Green tea, Earl Grey tea, Blackcurrant tea, China tea and Indian tea ..." Ryoga-chan recited. "Oh, there's one more ... Darjeeling tea." The guy in front of her gave her a blank look. "You're not the guy who asked for the tea, are you?" She wandered off with a sigh, trying to see if she could see anyone who might want some tea. "R-C, anyone ask you about tea?" she called.  
  
"Yeah, that guy over ..." R-C spun round slowly in a 360 degree circle. "... There." She finished, helplessly pointing in two different directions.  
  
"Fat lot of help you are," she grumbled. She was rescued from this embarrassing predicament by the arrival of Ranma and Akane. "Hi there!" She walked over to them. "Ask around and see if you find the guy who wanted tea," she hissed.  
  
"We need to talk to you for a second," Ranma said seriously. "And Ucchan."  
  
She blinked for a moment. "Why?"  
  
"You'll see." Ranma sat down at a booth. "Oh, and when you get her, could you get me a hot cider?"  
  
"Sure. Akane, you want anything?" Ryoga-chan asked, noting the order on her pad. Akane shook her head to indicate a negative and Ryoga-chan turned to try and find her way back to the counter.  
  
"It's that way," Ranma pointed.  
  
"I knew that." she lied, turning around again.  
  
Ranma tried not to laugh. "You're still facing the wrong direction." Ryoga- chan turned around again and headed for the counter, passing a table where a guy was trying to stop two girls arguing.  
  
"It's your fault, your calculations were inaccurate. I did my job properly - I backed you up," Maika said calmly.  
  
Miyu was not amused. "Are you implying that I did not carry out my job correctly?"  
  
Akai looked at them both nervously. "Calm down you two, that totally hot waitress is staring." He gave Ryoga-chan a quick wave.  
  
Maika and Miyu ignored him. "That is exactly what I'm implying."  
  
The table disintegrated underneath Miyu's punch. "Oh really? Then ..."  
  
"Um ... excuse me?" Ryoga-chan asked, walking over to them.  
  
*Oh my god! The incredibly cute waitress has worked it out! She knows! The Hyperdolls will kill us both! Why God, why!!!! We're doomed! Doomed I tell you! Doomed, in case you missed that!* Akai thought to himself. "Yes?" he said aloud.  
  
Ryoga-chan pointed to a notice on the wall. "I'm sorry, but all property damages must be added on to the total bill. I'll have to add that table onto your tab."  
  
*Huh? She's not surprised? Oh my god! The incredibly cute waitress is an really evil alien!! The Hyperdolls will kill us both! Why God, why!!!! We're doomed! Doomed I tell you! Doomed, in case ... I just thought that bit before.* Akai wailed in his head. "That's OK. I'm sorry about this ..."  
  
"Don't sweat it. Happens all the time." Ryoga-chan looked around. "Um ... could you tell me where the counter is?"  
  
"It's over there. We'll find another table." Akai watched her walk off in the wrong direction.  
  
"I detect strange energy levels from that waitress," Miyu said a moment later.  
  
"Are you sure?" Maika asked. "Sometimes your calculations are incorrect."  
  
Miyu glared at her. "I checked three times. Each time the energy levels were abnormal."  
  
Maika looked around the restaurant. "She has a twin sister. Check her."  
  
"I already did. Her energy levels are normal. Higher than average, but still normal."  
  
Akai looked at Ryoga-chan, who'd finally found the counter. "Do you think she's an alien?"  
  
"Maybe. We should keep an eye on her," Miyu decided.  
  
"How?" Akai asked.  
  
Maika and Miyu looked at him for a second. "I have an idea," Maika said after a moment. "Akai, ask her out."  
  
Akai looked horrified. "Are you insane?!! She might be a dangerous, blood thirsty alien!!!"  
  
Miyu sighed. "We only want to check her reactions. If she says yes, and it turns out we're wrong, you get a ... what was the phrase, 'totally hot waitress' for a girlfriend to compensate."  
  
"No!!" Akai looked at them both. "Besides, what would Shoko say?!"  
  
They advanced on him. "Don't force us to break your neck!!"  
  
"I'll do it! I'll do anything you say just don't hurt me!!!"  
  
Meanwhile, Ryoga-chan and Ukyo had just made their way over to Akane and Ranma. "Here's your cider," Ryoga-chan said, handing it over to Ranma and sitting down opposite him.  
  
Ranma looked at it for a second. "Uh ... Ryoga-chan, why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?"  
  
Ryoga-chan winced at the use of her name and looked at the cider. She blinked for a second, then reached up and took the cinnamon stick from behind her ear. "Oh! That's why," she said cheerfully, taking the pencil out of the drink and dropping the cinnamon stick in.  
  
Ranma grimaced. "Yeah ... well ... the reason we wanted to talk to you both was because I got this through the mail this morning," he said slowly, handing them a photograph. Of Ukyo and Ryoga kissing. There was a few moments of silence as their jaws dropped to the floor. If the back of the booth had not been there, they both would've fallen over backwards.  
  
"It's a fake! A fake fake fake!" Ryoga-chan and Ukyo wailed.  
  
R-C walked over to see what the commotion was about. "Wow! When did that happen?!! I don't remember this!"  
  
"It _NEVER_ happened! It's a doctored photo!" Ukyo yelled, blushing furiously. She reached across the table and grabbed Ranma by the scruff of the neck. "Did you get a letter as well?"  
  
Akane nodded. "It seems to be a plot by someone to get rid of all of Ranma's fiancees."  
  
Ryoga-chan perked up at this. *If Ranma loses Akane too, I'll be able to ask her out!* she though gleefully. Then another thought occurred. *But what about Shampoo? And I have a bad feeling about this photograph too. What if I wind up with _all_ Ranma's fiancees?*  
  
Ukyo kept her grip on Ranma. "If you think you can drop me like you did Shampoo, you've got another thing coming!"  
  
Ranma gulped. Ryoga-chan began to edge away, sensing the coming storm. "Well, er, you see, my pop ..." he trailed off.  
  
"You father what?" Ukyo said dangerously.  
  
"Well, he ... uh, he ... um ..."  
  
"SAY IT!!"  
  
"He sent a copy to your father and said the engagement was off and your dad wants to know when you're going to marry Ryoga ..." Ranma squeaked.  
  
"_WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_" The big spatula appeared in her grip. "AND YOU DIDN'T _STOP_ HIM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Ukyo began to whack Ranma over the head with it. Repeatedly.  
  
"I think we'd better have a quick coffee break," R-C commented, dragging her twin away. R-A and R-D joined them. And Akai, Maika and Miyu followed a small way behind.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"I tell you, it's all Ranma's fault," R-D insisted, pacing back and forth on the grass of the park. "It's a plot by him to get rid of all his unwanted fiancees. Next it'll be Kodachi."  
  
R-C nodded. "I think agree. First it was Shampoo, now Ukyo. I vote we should pound Ranma to a bloody pulp."  
  
R-A shook his head. "Wait a moment. I don't think it's Ranma."  
  
"Oh? And why not, Einstein?" R-D snarled.  
  
"Because he's still attached to Kodachi. Wouldn't it make sense for him to get rid of her first?" He looked at them. "That photograph was doctored from that time Ryoga got poisoned. Ukyo leaned over him, and somebody must've gotten it then."  
  
"But Kodachi isn't a fiancee," R-D argued.  
  
"She thinks she is, and she'd always insist she is if asked. He'd most likely get rid of her too, as a precaution." R-A grinned. "Excuse me while I look smug for a second."  
  
R-C nodded. "Maybe Kodachi _is_ doing this. She's the one with all the poisons."  
  
R-D shook his head. "I still say it's Ranma. Lets pound him."  
  
"Lets not. Lets wait. If Akane is next to go, we can leave Ranma to Kodachi. But if Kodachi is next to go, we'll pound Ranma then," R-A said.  
  
R-C and R-D nodded slowly. "That's makes sense," R-D admitted. "What do you think, Ryoga?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Ryoga?"  
  
"Hmm?" They turned to see Ryoga-chan petting a small tortoiseshell cat, who was curled up on her lap, purring loudly. "Look, isn't she cute."  
  
The others all facefaulted.  
  
"That isn't Shampoo, is it?" R-D asked carefully.  
  
"No. Shampoo's white with pink bits. This cat is tortoiseshell," Ryoga-chan reminded him. "Do you think Ukyo would let me keep her?"  
  
"Are you mad?! Ranma would never go near the place again!" R-C said.  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. "Never mind then." She grinned at the cat. "If she was mine, I'd call her Aiko."  
  
"Well she's not yours. So don't get too attached," R-C said with a small smile. "We'd better head back in a minute. Who knows - if we leave now, we may get back by midnight."  
  
Unknown to them, they were being watched. "How do I know which one is her?" Akai whispered.  
  
"We know. Wait and see if she goes off on her own," Maika whispered back. They watched as Shampoo rode over to the four Ryogas.  
  
"Nihao!" she said cheerfully, being careful not to run over any of them.  
  
"Shampoo! What do you want?" R-C asked suspiciously.  
  
"Shampoo want talk to Airen for little while." She paused for a second. "Alone."  
  
They all studied her for a moment, then Ryoga-chan shrugged. "All right then. But no poisons, glomping and or spells." Shampoo nodded and the other three walked away. Definitely not in the direction of Ucchans. Ryoga-chan turned back to Shampoo. "OK, what is it?" she asked.  
  
Shampoo sat down next to her. "Is cute kitten," she observed.  
  
"Hmm. Her name's Aiko ... do you wanna hold her?"  
  
"Sure." Shampoo picked Aiko up. After a few seconds, Aiko jumped out of her arms and walked back over to Ryoga-chan. "Hmph. Aiko not seem like Shampoo much," Shampoo said, sounding slightly miffed. She picked up a flask, took the lid off, and poured a little of the hot water on the cat. Aiko yowled and ran away.  
  
"Shampoo!"  
  
"Just checking," Shampoo explained with a grin. "Shampoo make you man?"  
  
"Not at the moment. I'm still in this waitress uniform and I don't think it'd fit if you poured that on me," Ryoga-chan decided. "So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"  
  
Shampoo was silent for a moment. "Shampoo think lots last night, about ... us. Shampoo know, you not like her much, but ... but ..." *Shampoo think you quite nice guy actually.*  
  
"But what?" Ryoga-chan asked, not quite sure she liked where the subject was heading.  
  
"Well, Shampoo think, if we engaged, we should try get to know each other better. Try not be like Ranma and Akane, always fighting..." She kept her gaze locked on the floor. *Agree!*  
  
Ryoga-chan thought for a while. *That makes sense ... but what about the vanishing fiancee thing? If it _is_ Kodachi behind it all, Ranma's bound to get rid of her somehow. And then Shampoo and Ukyo are certain to go running back to him ... and Akane. But what if Ranma's behind it?" After a while she decided. "Er ... yeah, t-that's a good idea ..." *After all, what harm can that cause? If anything, I might make a friend ...*  
  
*GLOMP* "Shampoo!"  
  
"Who are you calling Shampoo?!!" Ryoga-chan snarled. *Jeez! I get one Amazon to stop glomping me, and another one starts!*  
  
Shampoo whacked Mousse over the head. "Stupid Mousse!"  
  
Mousse pulled his glasses back over his eyes. "Oh. Sorry, miss." He turned to face Shampoo, then turned back to face Ryoga-chan again. "Excuse me, aren't you the sister of Ryoga Hibiki?"  
  
"No ..." she started.  
  
"Yes," Shampoo lied.  
  
"What are you doing," Ryoga-chan hissed.  
  
"If he find out who you are, he try kill," Shampoo hissed back.  
  
"But he'll find out sooner or later. Besides, I can beat him," Ryoga-chan whispered in reply.  
  
Mousse looked at them both. "What's going on?" he asked suspiciously.  
  
Ryoga-chan turned back to face Mousse. "I'm not Ryoga's sister. I _am_ Ryoga."  
  
Mousse blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"That Airen," Shampoo confirmed.  
  
"What? Is this some kind of joke?" Mousse asked in annoyance.  
  
"It's no joke. I got my curse altered ..."  
  
"DIE!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan flung Mousse into lower earth orbit before he could get one step further. "What a pain. And he used to be my friend, too!" she said with a slight edge to her voice.  
  
Shampoo sighed. "Shampoo have need keep eye on stupid Mousse now." She stood up. "Shampoo be on way now, have deliveries to make. We friends?"  
  
Ryoga-chan grinned. "Sure we friends."  
  
Shampoo grinned back. "Shampoo see you later. Bye now!"  
  
It was a few moments after she'd disappeared from sight that Ryoga-chan thought *Damn! I should've asked her to take me back to Ucchans!*  
  
End Part XIII  
  
Final Song - Strange Days  
  
====================  
  
PART XIV  
  
Never fear (much)  
  
The Hyperdolls are here!!  
  
====================  
  
Maika and Miyu decided they'd waited long enough. "She's alone now. Go, Akai!" Miyu hissed, shoving him out from behind the bush they were hiding in.  
  
Akai advanced on Ryoga-chan with a lot more than just a little reluctance. The only thing that stopped him running away was the fact that the Hyperdolls scared him more than the thought that she _might_ be a bloodthirsty alien monster. "Uh ... hi," he said, trying to sound calmer than he felt.  
  
Ryoga-chan turned around. "Hello?"  
  
Akai scuffed his feet against the floor. "Um ..." *Think, Akai! Think of something to say!* He was hit by inspiration. "I think you forgot to add the table to the tab, because we weren't charged for it."  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked. "Oops!" She jumped to her feet. "Could you show me the way back there and pay for it?"  
  
"Sure." *Damn Hyperdolls! The amount they cost me in property damage ...* They began walking. Akai sincerely hoped Maika and Miyu were following. "So, um ... what's your name?" he asked after a moment.  
  
"Ryoga Hibiki," she replied politely. "What's yours?"  
  
"My name's Akai Hideo." He decided he may as well get it over with now. "So, Ryoga, doing anything Saturday night?"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked surprised. *What?!! Is this guy asking me out?!!* "Why do you ask?"  
  
Akai gritted his teeth. *I'm gonna kill those two ...* "Well, I was just wondering if you might possibly maybe consider going on a date" He paused for a moment. "With me." *Say no!*  
  
Ryoga-chan wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. On one hand, she thought it was genuinely hilarious that this guy really thought she was datable material. On the other hand she was angry and upset that she'd spent months and months trying to pluck up the courage to ask Akane out and this guy had the courage to ask her within about ten minutes of meeting her. Plus the total irony that the first time she was ever getting asked out was when she was a girl. Time for a little white lie. "I'm flattered ... but I already have a boyfriend."  
  
Phew. That was a close call. Akai smiled in relief. *They can't hurt me - she turned me down flat.* "I'm not surprised, a cute girl like you," he said cheerfully, not seeing the scowl appearing on her face. "So what's he like?"  
  
Time for another lie. *I'll just describe Ranma ... after all, every single girl _I_ know is madly in love with him ... no. I can't do that. I don't even know what they see in him. I'll just have to improvise.* "Umm ... well, ... he's cute and strong and kinda smart and a real good cook ..."  
  
"Really?" Aiko was genuinely interested. *Mental note - learn to cook.* He'd always wondered what girls looked for in guys. "He sounds too good to be true."  
  
Ryoga-chan shrugged, trying to look innocent. "Well, they do say love is blind."  
  
"Until marriage restores the sight," Aiko quipped. "So what does this wonderboy look like?"  
  
*Now what the hell do I say?!!* she thought, feeling slightly panicky. "Well, um ... he's um ... he's got brown eyes and um ... really dark drown hair and he's got the nicest smile ..." *Now I'm beginning to understand how hard it was for Ukyo to pretend to be a guy!*  
  
*It's a pity she might be an alien. She's really nice. And real cute. Why are all the cute aliens all homicidal?* Aiko thought with a sigh. *Ah well. Nearly there.* All he had to do was converse for a little longer. "What does he do?"  
  
Ryoga-chan's extremely short temper snapped. "Jeez! Enough with the third degree! Why not just shine a light in my eyes?!!"  
  
Aiko blinked. *Argh! She knows! She knows I'm helping the Hyperdolls! She's gonna kill me!!!" However, months of hiding his secret had long since stopped him from blurting things out on pain of death and to think (a bit more) quickly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," he said quickly. "What about you? How long have you been working at Ucchans?"  
  
Ryoga-chan relaxed. "Just started today with my sister and brothers... and here we are!" She pushed open the door.  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"OW! What the heck was that for?!!" Ryoga-chan yelled.  
  
Ukyo glared at her. "YOU left me to try and reason with Ranchan, the king of denial. Thanks to YOUR lack of help ..."  
  
Ryoga-chan grabbed Akai by the arm. "Akai has to pay for a table."  
  
Akai looked nervously at Ukyo's large spatula. "It was a total accident ..."  
  
Ukyo closed her eyes. "That's fine. It happens all the time. Here's the bill."  
  
Akai groaned inwardly. Tables always cost more than they looked like they should. *I'm going to kill those two ...* he thought, handing over the money.  
  
Maika and Miyu burst into the restaurant. "Akai! So when's your date with the totally hot waitress?!!" Miyu shouted.  
  
Ukyo, R-C, R-A and R-D (who'd all just found their way back) were instantly all ears.  
  
"Date?!!"  
  
"What?!! With you?!!"  
  
"Totally hot waitress?!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at them. "Haha. Akai's gonna go away now ..."  
  
*If only looks could kill ...* Akai thought angrily. "We need to talk ..." he snarled at Maika and Miyu, dragging them to a booth. "None of these people are related to me," he called over his shoulder.  
  
"Neither are any of these people anymore," Ryoga-chan growled, glaring at her 'siblings.'  
  
"Sooo ..." R-D began with a smirk.  
  
"We're not going to talk about it now," Ryoga-chan snapped. "Got that? As of now, this conversation is over."  
  
Ukyo dragged her behind the counter. "Well this one isn't," she hissed. "You have to talk to Ranchan because there is no way I'm marrying you."  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked. Then burst into hysterical laughter, doubling over and almost in tears. "Mu-ma-mar-marry yu-yu-you?" she gasped. "Th-ha-that's fu- fun-unny!" She didn't notice the scowl deepen on Ukyo's face as she collapsed on the ground, still laughing. "Th-hat is so, so, funny!"  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"OW!"  
  
"AND WHAT'S SO FUNNY THEN?!!!"  
  
R-C shook her head with a small laugh. "Let's hide in the corner for a while in case she mistakes us for him," she advised R-A and R-D.  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at her boss and stood up. "What did I ..."  
  
"Prrrrr"  
  
She looked at the small kitten nestled in her arms with amazement. "Aiko! You came back!!" She hugged the little cat in delight. "Awww ... you're so sweet ..."  
  
Ukyo glared at her for a moment longer. "Ahem. We were just talking ..."  
  
Ryoga-chan ignored the increasingly enraged chef and carried Aiko over to the refrigerator. "L'il Aiko want some milk? And some fish?" The purring increased in volume. "Daddy'll get you some now."  
  
*BANG*  
  
"OW!" Ryoga-chan rubbed her nose where it'd hit the spatula. "Is there some reason that thing was in my way?"  
  
"No. I just felt like inflicting pain on you," Ukyo snapped. "Now get that animal out of here."  
  
"But she's so sweet and cute and ..."  
  
"I DON'T CARE!!!" Ukyo sighed at the hurt expression on her face. "This is a restaurant. I can't have animals in here."  
  
"So I'll take her out the back," Ryoga-chan said stubbornly.  
  
"She can't stay here. It'd be unhygienic ... and Ranma ..."  
  
Ryoga-chan scowled. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot Ranma was Lord of the universe and whatever he says goes." She hugged the little kitten closer. "Just hold her for a second," she pleaded.  
  
Ukyo's expression softened as she picked up Aiko. "She is kinda cute ... but she still can't stay here."  
  
Aiko mewed and jumped out of her arms, running straight back over to Ryoga- chan.  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No." Ukyo crossed her arms sternly.  
  
Ryoga-chan put on a surprisingly effective girlie pout. "Fine then." She stomped over to the doorway.  
  
Ukyo blinked in surprise, then ran over to block her path. "Whoa, where do you think you're going?!"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked up at her in annoyance. It really bugged her that when she was a girl, she was shorter than Ukyo, Akane and even Ranma-chan. "I'm taking her back to _my_ house."  
  
Nose in the air, she stalked past her surprised boss. A scowl spread across Ukyo's face and she grabbed Ryoga-chan by the back of the apron. "Get back here! Your shift isn't over yet!"  
  
Ryoga-chan, being monstrously strong in either form, barely even slowed down. "So I'll come back and work overtime. Big deal. Aiko needs food more than these people do." Ukyo placed a foot on either side of the door frame to stop Ryoga-chan from dragging her down the street and yanked hard. The back of the apron ripped in half, and Ryoga-chan landed flat on her face on the pavement. Ukyo landed flat on her back inside the restaurant. And Aiko managed to avoid injury by jumping out of her adopted owners arms and landing in front of her.  
  
"Prowww." She batted Ryoga-chan on the nose. Translation - Hey.  
  
"Aiko! Are you all right?!! Are you hurt?!!" Ryoga-chan scooped the kitten into her arms and hugged her.  
  
"Mroww." Translation - I'm fine.  
  
Ukyo sat up slowly. *That jerk! Doesn't even check to see if _I'm_ all right!!*  
  
"Prrrrr." Translation - Feed me.  
  
She hefted her spatula. *I'll teach him to respect his boss!*  
  
"Meow." Translation - I hope you realize, dear owner, that the girl you just landed flat on her spine is wielding a giant spatula with a lot of aggression. I think you'd better avoid it pronto, because it's heading your way.  
  
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*  
  
Maika looked over at them and sighed. "Should we intervene? If this Ryoga person is really an alien, then the chef may be in danger if she keeps smashing her over the head."  
  
Miyu nodded. "Yes. Lets." They made their way over to the duelling teens. "Excuse us. We'd like to order some food?"  
  
Like magic, Ukyo immediately stopped hitting her waitress over the head. "Sure! I'll be right there." She nudged Ryoga-chan with her toe. "Get up, you. You can feed the wretched thing some food and keep her here for the rest of the day. But then she goes." She dragged R-C, R-D and R-A along too. "You three, stop slacking and get cracking!"  
  
"Thank you _so_ much," Ryoga-chan muttered to herself, rubbing the back of her head and slowly climbing to her feet. Aiko purred and wound herself around her ankles, promptly tripping her over again.  
  
"Hi. My name is Maika Minazuki." Maika offered a hand to Ryoga-chan, who flushed scarlet and declined the offer. "You are Ryoga, aren't you?"  
  
"Yes, I ... um ... well, yes. Did Akai tell you?" Ryoga-chan picked up the kitten again and looked around for the refrigerator.  
  
"Yes." Miyu appeared on the other side of her. "My name is Miyu Fumizuki. We're cousins. Akai is our ... friend."  
  
"It's ... it's n-nice to meet you," she stuttered in reply. Cute girls always made her nervous even when she was a girl. After all, she was still a guy at heart. "Could you tell me where the fridge is?"  
  
Maika looped an arm through Ryoga-chan's. "It's this way."  
  
Miyu looped her arm through Ryoga-chan's other arm. "We'll show you the way." They began to frogmarch her towards the counter.  
  
Ryoga-chan whipped her head from side to side. "T-that's very kind of you, but you don't have to hold on to me," she stuttered, red-faced. "You have a very cute kitten," Maika observed. "What is her name?" Ryoga-chan tickled the kitten under the chin. "Aiko. Isn't she adorable?" Ukyo glared at the three of them out of the corner of her eye. "What do you want to eat, then?" she asked Akai. Akai dragged his gaze away from the three girls feeding and petting the small kitten. "Ah, sorry. One large special, please." *Bet they'll make me pay for it again.* End Part XIV Final song - Amidst The Chaos Of The Day  
  
======================  
  
PART XV  
  
When the going gets tough  
  
The tough get dinner.  
  
======================  
  
"Hey Ryoga, join us for dinner," Miyu suggested.  
  
"What?!" Ryoga-chan looked up in surprise. "N-no, that's OK, I'm only the waitress ..."  
  
"We insist," Maika stated.  
  
Miyu took hold of her arm with a grip that said "Don't argue with us, buster. You're coming with us whether you like it or not." It was a grip only a Hyperdoll could grip with. It was also a grip only someone with Ryoga-chan's brute strength could break out of. And she did. The two girls eyed each other with sudden suspicion.  
  
Maika laughed. "It's OK, we don't bite. We're just new in town and wanna make friends."  
  
Ryoga-chan relaxed slightly. "I'd have to ask Ukyo first ... but why me?" *Why not R- C?*  
  
"Because you're the one Akai fancies!" The two Hyperdolls giggled.  
  
R-C wandered over to them. "Hey Ryoga, watcha doin'?"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at her 'sister' in relief. "Hi, R-C, I'd like you to meet Maika and Miyu. They're new in town."  
  
"Hello R-C," Maika said politely. *I suspect this girl is a body clone, created as a decoy. And her brothers may be GM body clones also. It is a good think we can detect the differences in energy levels. I will have to share my suspicions with Miyu later.* Still, if they had to mimic earthlings, they may as well keep up the act. "Would you like to join us for dinner too?"  
  
Miyu caught on. "Akai would love that. He talks to all the cute girls."  
  
"He thinks you're totally hot!"  
  
"You should watch out for him."  
  
Ryoga-chan and R-C looked at the two of them in confusion. "Excuse me, I have to put Aiko upstairs for now," Ryoga-chan said, sounding dazed.  
  
Ukyo savagely flipped another okonomiyaki. "R-A, one for table 3," she called angrily. R-A wandered around for a second, in confusion, before getting a spatula over the head. Akai winced. "The counter is behind you!" Ukyo said with false cheeriness. "Perhaps you could inform your SISTERS to help R-D. He looks a bit lost."  
  
"I'm fine," R-D lied.  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at Ukyo in annoyance. *She _knows_ how much I hate being referred to as female! Couldn't she just call me by name?!!* She turned back to Maika and Miyu. "We would love to join you for dinner, wouldn't we, R-C?" she said loudly.  
  
"We would?" R-C blinked, then enlightenment dawned. "Yeah! We'd love to!"  
  
"Let's put Aiko upstairs first."  
  
Akai shook his head with a small groan. "Hey, Ukyo, how long have you lived in Tokyo? Known Ryoga for long? How'd you get to be such a good chef?"  
  
Ukyo glared at the direction the four girls had disappeared in. *Stupid Ryoga! He'll get himself fired if he's not careful! If I didn't want the company ...* Much as she hated to admit it to anyone, it often got lonely at Ucchans after the customers had gone. True, she'd spent almost ten years of her life alone, but after settling down in Nerima and making friends, she grown to dislike being lonely more and more. That was one of the reasons she'd decided to hire an assistant. She suddenly realised Akai was talking to her. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"  
  
Akai repeated his comment. "I just wondered if you were dating one of Ryoga's brothers."  
  
Ukyo flushed. "Date that jerk?! Are you mad?!!" *I have _got_ to talk to Daddy and undo this mess Mr Saotome's created ...*  
  
R-D jerked his head up. "Is if any of us would date a mach..."  
  
R-A clapped a hand over his 'brothers' mouth. "Do you want to get us all killed?!" he hissed.  
  
Ukyo gave them a threatening look. "What was that you were saying?"  
  
"Nothing!" R-A said cheerfully. "OW!" R-D'd bitten him.  
  
R-D grinned. "I was saying, none of us would date a macho cross-dressing tomboy like you!"  
  
"WHY YOU LITTLE ..."  
  
Akai began to wish he'd never been born. Much to his relief, Maika, Miyu, Ryoga-chan and R-C turned up then. "Hey girls! Our food's nearly ready!" Much to his surprise, Ukyo immediately whacked Ryoga-chan over the head with her giant spatula.  
  
"What the hell was that for?!"  
  
"So you think I'm a macho cross-dressing tomboy, do you?!! Take that, you creep!"  
  
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*  
  
Ryoga-chan grabbed the spatula out of Ukyo's grip. "I _never_ called you a macho cross- dressing tomboy!" She paused for a second. "Not that I remember, anyway."  
  
Ukyo snatched her spatula back. "Never mind. Take these over to table 7. R- C, I've got two orders for table 1 in a sec."  
  
Akai looked at Maika and Miyu. "Why don't we go now?" he asked/pleaded.  
  
The Hyperdolls nodded in agreement. "Yes. We'll come back tomorrow." Paying for the okonomiyaki, they left.  
  
"They were nice," Ryoga-chan said after a moment.  
  
"They thought you were a girl," Ukyo pointed out. "Especially Akai. Now get serving!"  
  
R-D made his way back over to them. "What _is_ your problem? You were really mean to Ryoga - you know how much he hates being referred to as a girl - you could've just called him by name. And what do you keep hitting him for?!"  
  
R-C nodded. "I have to agree. He didn't do anything wrong."  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Sorry. I'm just a bit upset over this whole thing with us being engaged."  
  
"That's OK. We'll get it sorted," Ryoga-chan said. *And you and Shampoo can go running back to your damn precious Ranma.*  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Doll Miyu, Doll Maika, for once you are correct." The Hyperdolls ignored the criticism as their Commander continued. "There is defiantly something very strange about Ryoga Hibiki."  
  
Akai looked gloomily at the Commander. His gloomy expression was brought on partly by the fact Ryoga was such a babe and he was upset that she really _did_ appear to be an alien - which would mean the Hyperdolls would have to kill her, and partly by the fact that the okonomiyaki the Commander had appeared in was getting cold. "Are you certain?" he asked, hoping someone had made one heck of a bad calculation somewhere. After all, the Hyperdolls had no sense of responsibility whatsoever. It wouldn't be the first time they'd made a mistake.  
  
Miyu glared at Akai. "She pulled out of my grip as if it were nothing. She is definitely no ordinary girl."  
  
The Commander nodded. "No. According to her earth record, she is actually a he."  
  
The other three all facefaulted. "Show us the record!" Maika said.  
  
"Ryoga Hibiki, male, one sister ..."  
  
"R-C?" Akai asked hopefully. *She was a babe too ...*  
  
"No. One seven year old sister, Keiko Hibiki"  
  
"Aww .... Isn't she adorable!" Miyu squealed, looking at the holographic photograph attached.  
  
Akai sighed. "So which one is Ryoga then? R-A or R-D?"  
  
The Commander blinked. "Who's to say Ryoga isn't Ryoga? After all, she ... he is the one with the peculiar energy levels. Doll Maika, you may have a point with body clones. If he can create two male body clones of himself, then it is possible he created two female bodies and housed himself in one as a very effective disguise."  
  
"He has the cutest little sister!" Miyu said with a grin.  
  
The Commander groaned. "She may be human, alien or non-existent. I will check records with the Galaxy Police - this is a very serious matter. Meanwhile, I would like you to keep an eye on this Ryoga. Find out everything about him or her."  
  
Maika and Miyu nodded. "Yes Commander."  
  
"And be discrete!!!"  
  
They blinked. "How?"  
  
"Continue to make friends with her and her friends. Join the same school as her, I don't know," the Commander said irritably. "Think of something!"  
  
The Hyperdolls nodded. "Yes Commander."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"But Daddy, it's not ... yes, but that was ... Daddy, would you listen to me!"  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "Ugh. This is terrible," he muttered, stroking Aiko for comfort.  
  
Ukyo waved a hand at him, to indicate for him to shut up unless he wanted a spatula over the head. "I _know_ Daddy ... Daddy, I do _not_ want to marry him!" There was a slight pause. "It was a faked photo! Daddy, please listen ... no, I ..."  
  
There was another long pause. Ryoga wished Ukyo's father would just shut up and let her explain. It was the first time Ukyo and her father had spoken in ten years. And so far the whole conversation had consisted of long pauses, lots of two word protesting and quite a lot of slander against him.  
  
"Look, Daddy ... yes, I ... DADDY! LISTEN TO ME!!!"  
  
*Like that's really going to work!* At least Ukyo seemed to have temporarily forgotten about sending Aiko away. *She may be only a cat ... but it's nice to have someone who genuinely loves me.* He smiled slightly as Aiko purred lazily.  
  
"So what if he's cute? I _know_ he's cute! But cute isn't everything! Daddy, he's a jerk!"  
  
"I'm what?!!"  
  
Ukyo covered the mouthpiece of the phone. "Ssh. He doesn't know you're here."  
  
"But ..."  
  
"You're not a jerk, OK? Happy now?" She resumed her argument with her father. "Here? No, there's no-one else here now .... it was the television ... Daddy ... Daddy, no!"  
  
*I've been called worse ... it was the 'cute' remark I was referring to,* he thought, blushing slightly.  
  
"Daddy, Daddy wait! Dad ..." She looked at the phone in annoyance. "Damn!"  
  
"He cut you off again?" Ryoga asked.  
  
"He cut me off again. Get off the counter, it's not a chair." Ukyo redialled and resumed pacing up and down. "Daddy? Yes, it's me again ..."  
  
Ryoga didn't bother getting off the counter. This was the seventh time Ukyo's father had hung up on her and it was really rather depressing to know she'd been on the phone for two hours - long distance as well - to avoid marrying him. *At least Shampoo's _trying!!*  
  
"I don't want you to pay for the wedding! I'm _NOT_ going to marry him!! Daddy ..."  
  
*Any minute now, it'll be 'I know he left me in a ditch, but I still love him.' God, it's pathetic!* Ryoga sighed.  
  
"Yes, I know he left me in a ditch ... but I still ... I know!"  
  
*Ah well. I was close. Let's see ... next it's 'I know he's engaged. I don't care.'*  
  
"Yes Daddy, I know he's engaged, but I don't ... Daddy, would you stop interrupting!"  
  
Ryoga looked at Aiko sadly. *What do _you_ see in me that nobody else sees?* He glanced at Ukyo. *What is it she hates so much about me? What's the next line? 'Daddy I love Ranma, not Ryoga,' then they'll go into another argument about what Ukyo hates about me.* So far she'd called him a moron, an idiot, a jerk, a jackass, a twit, a buffoon and a few others he'd forgotten. *What did she do? Memorise a thesaurus?* There were two that'd made him laugh, though. The first was 'directionally disabled dental disaster' which had led to an embarrassing half conversation about honeymoons and exploring, until Ukyo had exploded and screamed "Daddy, that's SICK! As if I'd ever do that with HIM!" and 'playboy.' *Ha! Me, a playboy?! That's the _last_ thing _I_ am!*  
  
"Daddy, I love Ranma, not Ryoga," came the inevitable.  
  
*And next her Dad'll say 'why' and then she'll start again.* He braced himself for the next wave of slander, half wondering why he didn't join R- A, R-C and R-D upstairs to play Monopoly. *Because I'm a glutton for punishment ... and she wanted me here for moral support. I'm the one who needs support!*  
  
"Daddy, he's ..."  
  
*A demonic evil spawned from hell. Pick from the list.*  
  
"... A nice enough guy, I just don't want to marry him."  
  
"What?!!" Ryoga jerked his head up. "You never said that before!"  
  
Ukyo waved him away frantically. "No Daddy. There's no-one else here ... no, that is NOT why I'm being so nasty about him ... no, he's not here! How many times do I have to emphasize that?! Daddy, Daddy wait!" She glared at the phone again. "He cut me off again! Why didn't you keep your mouth shut?!!" She began to redial the number. "Shut up this time, OK?"  
  
"Ukyo ..."  
  
"What?!!" she growled, stabbing at the numbers.  
  
*Why do you hate me so much?* He looked at the kitten sleeping in his arms. "Nothing." he whispered. A small tear trickled down his face. *Am I really so horrible?*  
  
"Daddy? Daddy don't you dare hang up on me again!"  
  
Ryoga stood up. "I'm going outside," he whispered quietly.  
  
Ukyo nodded absently. "Daddy, we've gone through this before. I'm not going to marry him ... I know Ranma left me in a ditch ... yes I know ... Daddy, I don't care! Daddy ..."  
  
Ryoga leaned against the wall outside and let the tears fall. *She's right. I'm nothing compared to Ranma. I'm nothing _not_ compared to Ranma. Why am I being kept alive if all I have to look forward to is continual defeat?* He closed his eyes sadly. *Even when he's not here, I'm still living in his shadow.*  
  
He listened to Ukyo's voice floating through the doorway. "But Daddy, he's not Ranma ... that's the point ..."  
  
End Part XV  
  
Final song - Slipping Away 


	4. Chapter 1 Parts 16 to End of Chapter

Disclaimer Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without permission, as are all other characters from whatever Manga/Anime they're from.  
  
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at www.lovesucks.topcities.com  
  
  
  
PART XVI  
  
School days are the best days of your life  
  
Like the school day before the holidays.  
  
==============================  
  
"Yukinojo, can you give me all the information on Ryoga and Keiko Hibiki?" Mihoshi settled back for a moment to listen.  
  
"Keiko Hibiki, aged seven earth years. Ryoga Hibiki, aged sixteen earth years. Keiko and Ryoga share a terrible sense of direction and consequently, a lot of information is missing. This hasn't been helped by the recent attack on the Galaxy Police HQ - all of their other files are among the ones lost. So if they are, as suspected, dangerous space aliens, all the information we have is from Earth databases, and probably faked."  
  
Mihoshi had tuned out sometime ago though, and was gazing at the photographs. "They are a cute pair, that's for sure. What's their case history?"  
  
If robots could facefault, Yukinojo would've done so. "Mihoshi, I just told you! All their files have been destroyed!"  
  
Mihoshi giggled. "Oh. Sorry. So ... what do HQ want me to do? Apprehend the suspects and take them for trial?"  
  
"No!" Yukinojo groaned softly, beginning to get an electronic equivalent of a major headache. "The Hyperdolls don't know why they're getting such peculiar readings from a girl who claims to be Ryoga Hibiki. Also, If he has only one sister, why were there four siblings?"  
  
"Clones?" Mihoshi fidgeted. *Why don't you just get to the point?!*  
  
"Correct. Now, apparently, the real Ryoga will start school on Monday. As a male. Because it would be suspicious for Maika and Miyu to leave their school now, HQ want you to attend Furinkan high school as a student, and investigate this boy. Find out all about him and where he's from, what he's planning and such like. Mihoshi, are you listening to me?"  
  
Mihoshi nodded, not listening at all. *I wanna watch TV.*  
  
Yukinojo glared at her - well, as close as he could get to glaring. "Mihoshi, I'm going to jump off Mount Everest and knit a pair of socks on the way down."  
  
"That's nice," she said absently, still looking at the photographs. *Wow, he's cute! I wish I could meet him.*  
  
"MIHOSHI!!!!"  
  
The blond detective fell off her chair with a squeal. "What?! What?!"  
  
"You get to play undercover detective and pretend to be a student at Furinkan high school! Won't that be fun?!" Yukinojo said with false cheeriness. It hurt his logic control unit to wonder how she'd ever become a detective first class.  
  
Mihoshi sat up slowly. "Huh? Why?"  
  
Yukinojo wished he could bang his head against a wall. "So you can investigate this boy!!!"  
  
Mihoshi jumped to her feet. "Me?!" *How lucky is that!* "They want me to investigate him?!" She paused for a second. "Who's going to investigate his little sister?"  
  
"Well she may be living with him, in which case it will be your responsibility. But the Hyperdolls are looking around to ensure that she is actually real."  
  
"What makes them think she isn't?"  
  
"The records have all been destroyed! He could've made her up to make himself fit in on Earth." If he'd had hands, they'd be covering his head. "Now go!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Tell me again why I'm going to school," Ryoga growled, glaring at the hated school uniform R-C was holding in front of him.  
  
"Because if you're going to stick around, you need an education."  
  
"So I'm going to live then?"  
  
"For a while, yes." R-C handed him a shirt.  
  
"For how long?"  
  
"Can't say."  
  
"Why the heck are you lot still here?" he muttered.  
  
In response, she pointed to a burn mark on his chest. "Because you're not quite healed yet, that's why. Not put on the uniform and get going!"  
  
Ryoga looked at the burn. It was so ... insignificant! "Why am I the only one going to school then?"  
  
"Because you're the only one who exists!" R-C sighed. "Look, if we all vanish when you're all healed, it'll only be about a week or two. Won't it be a bit suspicious?"  
  
Ryoga sighed. "You're right."  
  
"Now put on the uniform!!"  
  
Ukyo tapped her foot against the floor impatiently, then looked at the clock again. "Ryoga, get a move on!!"  
  
"I'll be right there!" he called, entering the room grumpily.  
  
Ukyo grabbed him by the hand and dragged him out of the restaurant. "See you three later, don't get lost, don't trash the place, come on Ryoga, we're gonna be late!"  
  
"All right! R-C, can you feed Aiko please?"  
  
"You can't keep her! How many times do I have to tell you that?!"  
  
"That doesn't mean she has to starve!"  
  
R-C snickered as she watched them disappear. "Those two are dreadful!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Mihoshi looked around her homeroom for anyone who looked like a male or female Ryoga Hibiki. Although she didn't see him or her, there was enough going on to keep her entertained.  
  
"Ranma, you JERK!"  
  
Mihoshi watched the short-haired brunette, chasing a guy she assumed was Ranma, around the homeroom with a plate of cookies. *He sure is fast! But where's Ryoga?* She remembered Yukinojo babbling something about him and his sister having a bad sense of direction, so stood up to take a look down the corridor.  
  
"Not now, Akane!" Ranma charged past her and out of the door too. "G'morning new girl!"  
  
"You flirt!" Akane screamed, chasing him out of the door.  
  
Mihoshi shook her head in amazement as she watched them fighting in the corridor. Her look of amazement was replaced with one of shock as Akane threw a bucket of water at Ranma, turning him into a her. "Wha ... what?!!"  
  
Akane clapped her hands in satisfaction as Kuno ran over to Ranma-chan and glomped her. "That'll teach him!" She smiled at Mihoshi. "Hello, are you new too? My name's Akane. The crazy red-head is Ranma."  
  
Mihoshi looked dazed. "How did he turn into a girl?!!"  
  
Akane grinned. "Everyone else knows so I don't see why you should be left in the dark. Ever heard of Jusenkyo?"  
  
Mihoshi shook her head. "No, never."  
  
Ranma-chan staggered over to them. "Whatcha do that for, you crazy, macho chick?!!"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
"RANMA, YOU JERK!!!"  
  
Mihoshi winced and shook her head. It didn't look like Akane would be continuing the discussion yet. She walked down the corridor a little way more. *He'll be late!*  
  
She heard the sound of more splashing water and a wail of dismay. Ranma- chan reappeared, running down the corridor, closely followed by Akane, who was wielding a huge mallet. "You jerk! Is there some reason you like picking on poor Ryoga?!!" She pricked up her ears.  
  
"I just thought, if I have to start school as a girl, he can too!"  
  
*This place is insane!* Mihoshi began to wish she'd never accepted this mission when two more girls appeared. One had long hair tied back with a white bow, wearing a traditional okonomiyaki chef's outfit, complete with spatulas. The other girl was tiny. * Gee! She's nearly as short as Washu!* She had short black hair, tied back with a yellow and black bandanna, and was wearing a boy's school uniform, which was ridiculously big for her. *She must be ...*  
  
"Ranma! You'll pay for this ..." shouted the small one, desperately trying to stop her trousers from falling down.  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"Ryoga, would you shut up!"  
  
*Ryoga!* Mihoshi ran forward.  
  
Ryoga-chan tripped over her trouser legs.  
  
*WHAM*  
  
Ukyo shook her head. "Idiot. I'll go get some hot water."  
  
Ryoga-chan slowly opened her eyes to find herself lying on top of Mihoshi. "Eep!!!" She quickly rolled over and jumped to her feet, a dark red blush covering her face. "Sorry! I didn't mean it! It was an accident!"  
  
Mihoshi sat up slowly. "That's OK. My name's Mihoshi. Nice to meet you! I'm new, this is my first day."  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded slowly. "Yes ... um ... I'm ... I mean my name's Ryoga Hibiki ..."  
  
"Aren't you a boy?" Mihoshi blurted, dying of curiosity. Then she clapped a hand over her mouth. *Oh no! Why did I say that!* She quickly produced a cover story. "I mean, I saw that Ranma boy turn into a girl, and your uniform is totally the wrong size and I wondered if you were a boy too ..."  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded, turning an even darker shade of red than she already was. "Yeah. I'm a guy. S-sorry, I didn't mean to ..." she trailed off.  
  
"What vision of loveliness is this that I see before me? Never before have I seen such a flower of such beauty! Truly this is the face that appears in Venus' looking glass!"  
  
Mihoshi giggled at the look of pure horror that appeared on Ryoga-chan's face as she was glomped by Kuno. With a shriek of rage, she reached behind her, grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the hall. "Kuno!"  
  
Mihoshi stopped giggling. "Wow! You sure are strong!"  
  
Kuno climbed slowly to his feet and glanced at Mihoshi too. "Good morning. I see you are referring to the strength of this divine goddess. Ah, but she is soft at heart. Pray, Venus and Aphrodite did not share the beauty sheACK!"  
  
The ACK was brought on by Ryoga-chan giving Kuno a swift kick in the stomach, sending him flying back down the hallway.  
  
"Oh, what did you do that for? He was nice," Mihoshi protested.  
  
"You obviously haven't been in Nerima very long," Ryoga-chan observed. She perked up noticeably at the arrival of Ukyo with a kettle.  
  
She poured a little over her head. "Hurry! Teacher's on his way!" Ukyo panted before running into her classroom. "Ranchan! Hot water!"  
  
Mihoshi gasped at Ryoga. *He's even cuter in real life! This must be how he confused the Hyperdolls ... but I'll tell them later!* "That was so incredible! How did you _do_ that?!!"  
  
"HIBIKI, YOU PEASANT!" Kuno charged down the corridor, waving his bokken. "What have you done to the beautiful bandannad girl?! How dare you attempt to enslave her untamed passion?!"  
  
Lazily, Ryoga reached up, grabbed hold of the bokken with one hand and flung Kuno down the corridor again. "What a pain. And now we're late."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Well, Ryoga Hibiki and Mihoshi Jurai. You may both be new, but that doesn't change the fact that you were both ..."  
  
LATE!  
  
Mihoshi looked at the two buckets. "So the cold water activates the curse?"  
  
"And hot water deactivates it," Ryoga confirmed.  
  
"Can I try it?" she asked hopefully.  
  
"NO!" He shook his head firmly. "The last thing I want is for Kuno to come racing up to me, screaming 'beautiful bandannad girl I love you!'. That's the last thing I need!"  
  
Mihoshi nodded in understanding. "So he's pretty fickle, huh."  
  
"You could say that. He's madly in love with Akane, Ranma's girl side, and now it seems me too." Ryoga leaned against the wall slightly. "That's definitely something that'll make school even more annoying. Apart from homework, that is." He smiled a little. He was rather surprised at how easy it was to talk to Mihoshi ... then again, her continual chatter meant that he wasn't doing much of the talking.  
  
Mihoshi smiled back. There were definitely worse assignments than this ...  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Aiko! Aiko, where are you?" R-D slammed his fist against the floor in frustration. "Damn!"  
  
R-C buried her head in her hands. "Ryoga's gonna kill us!"  
  
R-A shrugged. "Unless she's gone to try and find him ..."  
  
The three of them looked at each other. "That makes sense. We'd better not wander off," R-D said at last.  
  
Aiko gave a feline grin and began to follow the scent of her adopted owner.  
  
A little way away, Happosai snatched a tiger-striped bikini top from a washing line. "Yow baby!" he chuckled to himself.  
  
"Give that back!" cried a voice behind him. "It's my only one!"  
  
Happosai turned to see a green haired girl behind him, hands covering her breasts. "Well, let me put it back on you!" he yelled, glomping onto her.  
  
With a snarl, she grabbed hold of him and zakked several thousand volts of electricity through his body, snatching back her top at the same time and putting it on. "Daaaaaaaaarling! Where are you?" She flew away, leaving a small, charbroiled Happosai lying on the floor.  
  
Happosai began to check himself. *90% third degree burns .... guess its time for the girlee water.* Luckily he always carried a small vial of water from the spring of drowned girl. Now for something to sprinkle it on ...  
  
Aiko looked at him disdainfully before continuing her search for Ryoga. With a small lecherous grin, Happosai snuck up behind her and poured the water on her head. "Girlee ..." His eyes widened in surprise. "Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!" He collapsed on the floor.  
  
After all, Aiko was only a kitten.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Where's the best place to eat around here?" Mihoshi asked.  
  
"I dunno. I don't eat out much. But Ukyo would kill me if I didn't say her restaurant," Ryoga replied. "She's an okonomiyaki chef ..."  
  
*GLOMP*  
  
He looked down at his leg in surprise. "Uh ... Mihoshi ... is it just me, or do I have a small, naked child clinging to my leg?"  
  
"Awww!!! She's so cute!" Mihoshi scooped the little girl into her arms. After a moment, she wriggled away and reattached herself to Ryoga's leg. "I think she likes you!"  
  
Ryoga knelt down in front of the little girl. "What's your name?"  
  
"Pwa!" She hugged him tight. "Prrrrr..."  
  
*There's something familiar about this kid ...* He looked at her. Amber eyes, very short cut brown hair, with tinges of black, ginger and red ... and little fangs when she smiled. "Aiko?!!"  
  
"Prrt."  
  
"Who?" Mihoshi asked curiously.  
  
Ryoga pulled his shirt off and put it on the little girl. It was much too large, of course, but at least it covered her. *If I get turned into a girl now, it's going to be _very_ embarrassing!* He picked up Aiko, who snuggled against him, purring. "It's Aiko! It has to be her!"  
  
Mihoshi looked confused. "Who's Aiko?"  
  
"My kitten."  
  
"But this is a girl!"  
  
Ryoga nodded. "I know. So am I, sometimes." He looked at the little girl. *Did Happosai do this to you too?*  
  
The bell rang, signalling the end of class. Ranma was first out of the room. He skidded to a halt in front of them. "Gee, you two sure didn't waste any time!" he quipped, seeing Aiko. "Can I be her Godfather?"  
  
Ryoga ignored the comment. "Ranma, could you get me some hot water?"  
  
"What for?"  
  
He upended a bucket of water over Ranma's head. "Ranma, could you get me some hot water?!"  
  
"There was no need for that, you jerk!" Ranma-chan snarled, heaving a bucket of water back at him.  
  
"Hey!" Ryoga-chan glared at her. "You got Aiko all wet!"  
  
Mihoshi glared at Ranma-chan too. She'd been enjoying ogling Ryoga out of the corner of her eye.  
  
Ukyo strolled out of the room. She stopped. "Ryoga ... why are you female, topless and carrying a little kid in your arms?" Akane peered over her friends shoulder.  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. "I'm pretty sure this is Aiko."  
  
"Aiko? As in the kitten Aiko? That small furry animal I told you not to keep Aiko?"  
  
"The one and only," Ryoga-chan confirmed. "Could somebody _please_ get some hot water before..."  
  
"Akane! Pigtailed girl and bandannad girl! My three beloved's!" "Hot water! That's a good idea!" Ranma-chan decided, throwing Kuno through the roof. She dragged Ryoga-chan to the Home Ec rooms.  
  
A few minutes later, Ranma-chan picked up the boiled kettle and poured it over her head. "Here y'are."  
  
Ryoga-chan poured it over herself, then over Aiko. He picked up the kitten and tossed his shirt over his arm. "I ..."  
  
"C-c-c-c-CAT!!!!!!!!" Ranma screamed. He ran out of the room.  
  
"Ranma!!" Akane ran after him.  
  
Ukyo sighed. "I think it's time to put the cat out."  
  
Ryoga gaped at her. "Are you _insane?!! I can't let her go now! The moment it rains she'll turn into a little girl! Do you know what people do to little girls wandering the streets with no clothes on?!!"  
  
Mihoshi nodded. "He's right. You can't get rid of the poor little thing now ... it'd be so cruel and mean and unkind and inhumane and she's so cute and sweet and innocent... where are you all going? Hey, wait up!" She charged after Ukyo and Ryoga. "I'm starving! Is it lunch time yet?"  
  
They stepped into the dinner hall, only for Ryoga to get hit by a stream on icy water from a dysfunctional water fountain. "Sorry!" the girl who'd done it called.  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed and pulled the shirt onto a human Aiko. "This is so irritating..."  
  
"You're like a water magnet," Mihoshi observed. "It amazing how the water missed me and Ukyo and only hit you two."  
  
"Yes Mihoshi," Ryoga-chan said gloomily. "And any second now, Kuno will glomp me."  
  
*GLOMP*  
  
"Bandannad girl!!!"  
  
"Wow, that is so clever of you to be able to predict that!"  
  
Ryoga-chan grabbed Kuno by the collar. "Kuno, don't you get it?!! I hate you!"  
  
"My beloved, you must be under a spell, brought on by the evil sorcerer Hibiki. Why else would you say such a thing?"  
  
Ukyo laughed. "I'll go find you a shirt. Coming, Mihoshi?"  
  
Mihoshi shook her head. "No, I'll make sure he doesn't wander off."  
  
"My darling, let us be alone, free from this common rabble..."  
  
Ryoga-chan almost screamed in frustration. She opened her mouth, then shut it again. And grinned. "Upperclassman, in my honest opinion, my mindframe is completely unaltered by sorcery when I say that the vast and empty caverns of thy brain are so that it would take an eternity and beyond to cross from one side to another..."  
  
"How DARE you call me stupid?!!" Kuno stared at her in shock, then in one swift movement, slapped her across the face.  
  
The loud crack echoed through the dinner hall. Total silence fell. Mihoshi backed away. Some may say she has a brain full of Bubblicious, but even Kuno instantly realised that he'd done something very wrong, so it wasn't very much of a big decision of Mihoshi's, to grab Aiko and hide.  
  
For a few seconds, Ryoga-chan didn't move. Her head had snapped to one side with the force of the blow, and one side of her face was turning red from the slap, the other side white with rage. Slowly she swivelled her head to look at Kuno. "You hit me." She began to glow an icy blue colour.  
  
Kuno swallowed hard. "M-my bandannad blossom, please..."  
  
"You. Hit. Me."  
  
"I-I'm sorry - I n-never m-meant.."  
  
Ryoga-chan grabbed him by the throat. Even though she was small, she still managed to lift him off the ground. "You _hit_ me. Who's to say you won't hit your precious pig- tailed girl? Or Akane?" She slammed him into the ground with a fraction of her full strength, and poked him with her toe. Kuno groaned. *Good. Still alive. I'd hate for that little lesson to go to waste.*  
  
"Mwa!" Aiko wriggled out of Mihoshi's grip and ran over to Ryoga-chan. "Mroww..."  
  
The aura vanished immediately. Chatter started up again and someone even had the presence of mind to drag Kuno to the nurses station. Ukyo reappeared with a shirt that would (hopefully) fit Ryoga-chan in either form. She looked at the crater in the floor. "Did I miss something here?"  
  
End Part XVI  
  
Final song - What's New Pussycat  
  
===========  
  
PART XVII  
  
Intermission  
  
===========  
  
Four days later , late evening, in apartment 613 Fujimi Heights ...  
  
"So Ryoga Hibiki really is male," Maika double checked. "He's cursed to turn female whenever splashed with cold water. What about his brothers and sister? Where do they fit into all this?"  
  
"I don't know. They don't go to school, that's for sure." Mihoshi grinned. "And he's got a cute little kitty who turns into a cute little girl too."  
  
Miyu watched them both, doing her own thinking.  
  
"We haven't yet established whether this younger sister of his exists, but his phenomenal strength and peculiar energy levels alone indicate that he is definitely not human. Continual defeats against this Ranma person have to be an act, if he could free himself from Miyu's grip."  
  
Mihoshi nodded again. "He's really strong."  
  
Maika continued. "But because he has continued to do nothing, maybe he's a nice alien after all."  
  
The blond gave a sigh of relief. "That's good. He's nice to me. I would hate to have to fight him." She smiled. "Do you know how cute he looks without his shirt on? He takes it off to give to the kitten whenever she turns into a girl. You two don't know what you're missing, going to your school."  
  
Miyu narrowed her eyes. Maika looked at Mihoshi in puzzlement. "We have to stay there to keep a watch on Akai. And do you know, you sound just like a lovesick human."  
  
Mihoshi giggled, blushing slightly. "I'm supposed to be inconspicuous. I wouldn't fit in if I didn't babble on endlessly about some guy."  
  
Maika looked confused "But you don't have to do it now."  
  
Miyu sighed softly. She sat up. "Let's go to that okonomiyaki place where he works. We can get some more readings from his brothers and sister."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Ryoga, get this damn kitten out from under my feet!" Ukyo shouted, trying not to step on Aiko, who was laying in wait for any bits that might fall to the floor.  
  
Ryoga-chan scooped up her kitten and hugged her. "Would you prefer I turned her human?"  
  
"Yes!" After all, it was almost closing time, so not many people would be bothered by the sudden appearance of a small child running around the restaurant.  
  
Ryoga-chan poured a little cold water over the kitten then pulled a large tee-shirt over the small girl she'd changed into. "Prt." Translation - for god's sake, teach me how to talk Japanese!!  
  
Aiko was an intelligent cat - she'd taught herself how to walk on two legs immediately. Words, however, were a source of immense annoyance. For starters, she couldn't figure out how talking was done. That made communication by voice very hard.  
  
"Hi!" Mihoshi bounced into the restaurant and immediately fell flat on her face.  
  
Akane jumped out of her chair and helped her to her feet. "Really, Mihoshi! How can you trip over absolutely nothing?!"  
  
Mihoshi grinned. "Have you met Maika and Miyu? Is it OK if we sit with you? Is Ryoga here? Hi Ranma!"  
  
Maika groaned softly. *Mihoshi, sometimes I swear that pretty head of yours is filled with soap suds!*  
  
Ranma grinned. "There's plenty of room, right Akane? And I don't believe we've met your friends."  
  
Ukyo waved at them. "Grab a twin when you want to order! If you're lucky, you may even get your food today!" she called.  
  
Mihoshi giggled. "Ranma, Akane, I'd like you to meet Maika and Miyu," she began, turning to introduce them. She blinked. "Where'd Miyu go?"  
  
Maika shrugged. "Probably gone to read the specials on the board."  
  
Miyu grinned to herself. *It's time we got some real work done. Ryoga should be around here somewhere ..." She glanced around until her gaze settled on Ryoga-chan, who was feeding Aiko a bit of okonomiyaki scrounged from somebody, a rare smile on her face. She walked over to them. "Hello."  
  
Ryoga-chan looked up. "Miyu! Hi!"  
  
Miyu smiled. "Is that Aiko? Mihoshi told us she was cursed..." She lowered her voice. "Like you."  
  
Ryoga-chan blushed. "So you know."  
  
Miyu sat down next to her. "What is it like? Why do you have a job as a girl?"  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. "It's not as fun as people think. For starters, there's the little matter of people falling for my girl side ..."  
  
"Like Akai?"  
  
"Like Akai. And like Kuno! Ick!" Ryoga-chan shuddered.  
  
Aiko looked up at her owner. "Prrrrrrrr." Translation - Are you all right?  
  
Ryoga-chan smiled again. "Isn't she the cutest little thing ..." Aiko smiled and purred contentedly.  
  
Miyu nodded in agreement. She looked curiously at Ryoga-chan again. "So why a girl job? You could make more money doing lifting and stuff for removal companies."  
  
Ryoga-chan shrugged. "I like the company here. And as for being a girl here, the two sets of twins is better for business than triplet guys and one girl would be. I don't try and stay like this much other than during work." She looked at Miyu. "So Mihoshi told you, huh?"  
  
She nodded. "Yes. Because we were curious when she said Ryoga Hibiki was this new guy at her school and we said you were a girl waitress at Ucchans."  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. "Yeah ... I guess that'll teach me not to go around telling all the customers my name in future."  
  
"..." Miyu began.  
  
"Hey there you two! Three! Doesn't Aiko look sweet!" Mihoshi bubbled, sliding in between them.  
  
Ukyo glanced over at them, scowling slightly. *He's such a flirt!* She gave her ex-fiance an extra large grin when he came over to the counter. "Hey Ranchan! Now the last customer's gone, how about another? On the house?"  
  
Ryoga-chan snapped to attention. "The last customer's gone? Can I turn back?"  
  
The chef looked around for a second. "OK. Now you can turn back."  
  
Miyu stood up. "I'll help you find your way around, if you like," she offered.  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at her gratefully. "Would you? Please?"  
  
Mihoshi stood up too. "I'll help!"  
  
"I think I can managed to help him find his way around on my own, thank you very much," Miyu protested.  
  
"Yes, but you don't know how hard he is to keep track of!"  
  
"Mihoshi, I _have_ been in this restaurant before. And I will be fine."  
  
"I'm just making sure ..."  
  
The two girls dragged the much surprised Ryoga-chan from the room. Ranma started to laugh. "I think some people have a small crush on our Ryoga," he commented.  
  
Maika looked at him. "Mihoshi? She does nothing but continually drone on about him. It's most irritating."  
  
"But rather amusing. He's so clueless, he wouldn't realise she liked him unless she pinned him on his back and kissed him. Right, Ucchan?" Ranma looked at Ukyo, who was ignoring the general chatter and talking to R-D ... well, lecturing R-D about pounding his fist on tables when he got annoyed. He sighed. "Well, nice to know people are hanging onto my every word," he said sarcastically.  
  
R-A and R-C sat down on a few stools and joined in the conversation. "Go easy on Ukyo, you only dumped her a few days ago," R-A pointed out.  
  
"I didn't dump her!" Ranma protested.  
  
Maika poked him gently. Hyperdoll gently, which is to say, quite hard. "We were talking."  
  
Ranma jumped back to attention. "Mihoshi. I just hope her and Shampoo never meet in the near future."  
  
R-C sniggered. "That would definitely be amusing!"  
  
Maika was confused. "Who is Shampoo?"  
  
The door swung open with a loud bang. Ukyo winced. *At least she's actually using the door now!*  
  
"That's Shampoo," Ranma whispered as the purple haired Amazon walked into the restaurant.  
  
"Nihao Spatula girl, Gorilla girl, Ranma, Twins, other girls. Where Ryoga?" she asked cheerfully.  
  
"He's getting changed," R-D called.  
  
Ukyo glared at her hired help as Shampoo bounced up the stairs, closely followed by Aiko. "You can be such a spoon!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Stirring things up," she translated.  
  
Ranma stood up. "Much as I hate to leave this happy little party, bye!"  
  
Akane chased after him back to the Dojo. "Ranma, wait! Why such a hurry?"  
  
Ranma jumped down next to her. "Shampoo is engaged to Ryoga and making the best of it. Ucchan is engaged to Ryoga and trying her hardest to get out of it. Mihoshi has a big crush on Ryoga. Then there is R-D, who will be doing his best to stir it all up, R-A trying to separate it all and R-C, Maika, Miyu, Ryoga and Aiko all caught in the middle." He paused for emphasis. "Would _YOU_ like to be there when it all erupts?"  
  
Akane nodded slowly. "I get your point."  
  
Above them, on the rooftops, Kodachi smiled. *Enjoy your time together. For tomorrow, Ranma darling, you will be mine.*  
  
End Part XVII  
  
Final song - Let's See Action  
  
======================  
  
PART XVIII  
  
Dedicated to the one I love.  
  
======================  
  
Miyu glared at Mihoshi. "Why did you insist on following us up here? We managed to find his room with no trouble!" she hissed from outside Ryoga's bedroom door.  
  
Mihoshi shrugged. "I only wanted to help." She leaned over and tried to peek through the keyhole, much to Miyu's outrage. "Oh! I can see in here!" she whispered gleefully, trying to find the best view.  
  
Miyu grabbed her by the back of the shirt. "You rude girl!!!! Invading his privacy like that! Go away!"  
  
Mihoshi crossed her arms angrily and stomped away. Miyu stood guard outside for a little while. After a few minutes, curiosity got the better of her and she leaned over to peek through the keyhole too. *Ooh ... he's not too bad!*  
  
"Aha!" Miyu whipped around in surprise. Mihoshi glared at her. "So who's invading his privacy now?!!"  
  
"What?! I was merely checking to see if there was anything suspicious in the room!" Miyu protested, trying to keep her cool.  
  
"You were drooling all over the door! At least I had the decency to say I liked him!" Mihoshi slipped past her and tried to peek through the keyhole again.  
  
Miyu pushed her away. "No you didn't, you said you were just trying to be inconspicuous. I was just curious."  
  
"Don't you dare make a move on him!" Mihoshi growled.  
  
"Why would I do such a thing?" Miyu asked. "I'm only doing my job properly!"  
  
"Are you implying that I'm not doing my job correctly?!!"  
  
The door swung open and the two alien girls landed flat on their faces at Ryoga's feet. He looked at them for a moment. "Hi Ryoga," Mihoshi giggled after a second.  
  
"Uh ... what are you doing?" he asked, looking completely and totally confused. (Could that be because he was, in fact, completely and totally confused?)  
  
Miyu grinned weakly. "We were just waiting to see if you wanted us to help you find your way downstairs. We leaned against the door, then you opened it." She poked her blond friend _hard. "Isn't that right Mihoshi?!"  
  
Mihoshi nodded. "Oh yes! That's what happened!"  
  
"Oh. Thank you."  
  
The two girls would've fallen over backwards. If they hadn't already been lying on the floor. Miyu gave a small sigh of relief. *Despite Mihoshi's very bad acting, it appears he believes us.* She grinned and jumped to he feet, linking her arm through his. "This way!"  
  
Mihoshi instantly grabbed his other arm, then leaned her head against him. "You know, you are so much taller as a guy than as a girl." Then she stuck her foot out behind Ryoga, and tripped up Miyu. The Hyperdoll found herself flat on her face again for the second time in as many minutes. "OW!"  
  
Ryoga spun around in concern. "Miyu ..."  
  
"She'll be fine," Mihoshi cut in, dragging him away. "She's just clumsy."  
  
Miyu jumped to her feet and ran after them and grabbed his other hand. "That's me, clumsy!" She glared at her comrade. *That's it! I'll get you for that! I'm gonna make you suffer!!!*  
  
Ryoga looked at them both. "Are you two all right?"  
  
"We're just fine!" Mihoshi laughed.  
  
"Yes, just fine!" Miyu agreed.  
  
Ryoga looked at them a little longer, then shrugged. "OK, but you don't have to hold my hands."  
  
"Just making sure you don't get lost!" they replied.  
  
Miyu bided her time. *When we get near the bottom of the stairs, just one little push! Just enough to teach her a lesson!*  
  
"Nihao Ryoga!" Shampoo landed at the top of the stairs with Aiko. She looked at the other two girls in suspicion. "Who these two?"  
  
Ryoga was totally oblivious to the tension building up around him as he picked up Aiko. "Shampoo, this is Mihoshi Jurai and Miyu Fumizuki. Miyu, Mihoshi, this is Shampoo."  
  
Shampoo narrowed her eyes. "Why you all hold hands?"  
  
"To make sure I didn't get lost," he said cheerfully, walking down the stairs.  
  
Miyu and Mihoshi stepped forward as he passed Shampoo, but then she moved to block their path. "Hold it. What you two want with my Ryoga?" Shampoo whispered.  
  
"_Your_ Ryoga?!" Mihoshi gasped.  
  
Miyu glared at the Amazon. "Since when did he become your possession?"  
  
"Since Shampoo engaged to him!" She crossed her arms proudly. *Shampoo not work so hard to lose Ryoga to strange new girls!*  
  
Mihoshi shrugged. Having lived with Tenchi, Ryoko and Ayeka for quite some time, she was rather used to girls claiming to be engaged to the object of her affection. She did have a few working brain cells that people didn't give her credit for. "We'll talk to Ryoga, shall we?" After all, it'd usually turned out with Tenchi, that the poor guy hadn't mentioned anything about engagement at all, but someone had decided to use it as a STOP barrier.  
  
Miyu nodded her agreement. She didn't feel anything for Ryoga, but she was pissed off with people thinking she was and being mean to her about it. *I can't believe Mihoshi is being so unprofessional!*  
  
Shampoo growled and stomped down the stairs, back into the restaurant. She sat down next to Ryoga and tugged at his tee-shirt. "We engaged, is so?"  
  
Ryoga looked puzzled. "We are?"  
  
Ukyo sighed. "I thought you said you were going to let him decide on his own fiancee!"  
  
Shampoo stuck out her tongue. "You one to talk, stupid spatula girl!"  
  
"He can choose me if he wants to, but I'm not being forced into any marriage now!" Ukyo yelled. "No matter what my father says!!"  
  
Ryoga let out a small groan and hugged Aiko tighter for comfort. *What brought all this back on?!!* It'd taken the last three days for Ukyo and Shampoo to convince their respective families that he'd choose one fiancee, of his own free will, so nobody would be forced into a marriage they didn't want. In a perfect world, that would mean he could still pursue Akane. In the real world, all the girls concerned had decided this meant a free for all fiance hunt and so far Shampoo was the only one showing any interest in him at all, although sometimes he considered just moving to another school and making a fresh start. But every time he began to think maybe he should go for it, Ukyo would belt him one with her giant spatula, or he'd get splashed by cold water and attacked by Kuno, or Ranma would interrupt - killing Ranma took definite priority over romance, much to Shampoo's annoyance (she was still very angry at Ranma for dropping her so fast.) or Aiko would intervene. And Aiko took priority over everything in his opinion. She was the only thing to matter to him and all his other problems could just damn well shove off. When Aiko demanded attention, she got it. He looked at the kitten-child with an expression of total adoration. *She's the only person to truly love me.*  
  
The girls in question all glared at Aiko in a not-glaring-at-her kind of way and settled down to try and argue things out. "So he can choose anyone he wants as a fiancee?" Mihoshi asked.  
  
Shampoo gave a slight nod. "In way, yes. But Shampoo more important than you, bubble brain."  
  
"What did you call me?!!"  
  
Miyu made herself comfortable. "Does she have a little name for anyone she sees as a threat?" she asked Ryoga quietly.  
  
He thought for a second. "I think so."  
  
Ukyo leaned on the counter. "But I'm not a threat 'cause I'm not gonna marry you. She probably just likes calling people names."  
  
Shampoo gazed curiously at Ukyo. "You take family dishonour over marriage to Ryoga?"  
  
"Yes, I would take family dishonour any day." Ukyo glared at her. "You may have given up on Ranchan, but I haven't."  
  
"Shampoo not give up Ranma, Ranma give up Shampoo," Shampoo replied. *Why you have remind me that, stupid spatula girl?* she thought dismally. *Shampoo still want Ranma back, but Ranma no want Shampoo! Shampoo only making new start!*  
  
Mihoshi looked at them all. "Fighting over these guys isn't very fair to them. I know, I've seen everybody fight over Tenchi, and all it did was annoy him. You should let Ryoga make his own choice with each girl on an equal status!"  
  
Miyu cocked an eyebrow. "You don't have to talk about it as if he's not here."  
  
"But he isn't." Maika held up a note. "The four of them slipped out while you were all treating him like a piece of furniture."  
  
Ukyo snatched the note away. "Gone for a walk, may be some time, take care of Aiko for me signed us lot?" She screwed it up angrily. *How dare he? HOW _DARE_ HE?!!*  
  
Shampoo jumped to he feet. "I go find him," she announced.  
  
"Me too," Mihoshi added.  
  
"No you're not," Maika objected, pointing to her watch.  
  
Mihoshi sighed. *Drat! The Commander wants to talk to us!* She stood up. "We'd better be on our way. Hope you find him!"  
  
Ukyo laughed. "You don't have a chance of finding him! He's probably not even in Japan anymore!"  
  
"Oh, Shampoo, not find him." The Amazon girl picked up Aiko. "But she will!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Maika and Miyu glared at Mihoshi. "I can't believe you are being so - so - human!" Maika snapped.  
  
Miyu nodded in agreement. "It's not right to fall for the person you are investigating. It hinders your judgement."  
  
Mihoshi sighed. "I'm sorry."  
  
They entered the apartment. The Commander popped out of their okonomiyaki and sighed. "Well, we've managed to recover the lost files. And the Hibiki boy is ..."  
  
"Is," Maika prompted.  
  
"Completely human."  
  
The three aliens groaned. "But what about the strange energy levels?" Miyu asked.  
  
The Commander shrugged. "We still don't know. First class detective Mihoshi, you are to continue to investigate this boy. Doll Maika and Doll Miyu, you will continue with your normal duties." They nodded and the Commander continued. "But remember to actually fight the monster next time, not the Sailor Senshi!"  
  
The two Hyperdolls reddened at the memory. They'd been drawn into an argument over whether the monster attacking the city was from the Dark Kingdom or Chaos. In the argument, it had gotten away, and it had been quite troublesome trying to find it and destroy it. It was embarrassing to say the least! The Commander gave them a stern look. "The Sailor Senshi are not the enemy, remember that!" He vanished.  
  
"I never liked those short-skirted idiots anyway," Maika said eventually.  
  
Miyu nodded. "Fancy thinking that the Slime-man was a monster from the Dark Kingdom!"  
  
Mihoshi looked puzzled. "But he was." She edged away from the other two as they turned to glare at her. "What?! What did I say?!"  
  
End Part XVIII  
  
Final song - The Boy Is Mine  
  
==================  
  
PART XIX  
  
Catching the Butterfly.  
  
For Better, For Worse.  
  
Epilogue#1  
  
==================  
  
"Maybe I should become a monk," Ryoga muttered to himself. "What the hell is wrong with all those girls? Why did they have to start talking about me and Ranma?!"  
  
R-D nodded in agreement. "It was like some kind of medieval torture where they list all your bad points, all Ranma's good points and then scream at you because they can't have him."  
  
"Except they didn't get to the screaming at me point," Ryoga pointed out. "I'm going to take a vow against women! They're too much trouble!"  
  
"Ryoga, prepare to ..."  
  
*WHAM*  
  
They never even paused, Ryoga casually batting Mousse away. R-A laughed. "You're nuts! What about Akane? You still like her, don't you?"  
  
"I've barely been able to talk to her. What with working all the time, and Mihoshi and Ukyo deciding to be my navigators at school, I never get to spend any time talking to her! Plus half the time I'm a girl! You think I can try to win Akane's love as a girl?" Ryoga pointed out.  
  
R-C shrugged. "But you can try and get to know each other better when you're a girl." She looked a bit thoughtful. "You know, there _are_ other girls out there. I mean, it's just not working with Akane..."  
  
The three boys glared at her. "Who asked you? Just because you don't love her!" R-D growled.  
  
R-C stuck her tongue out at him. "Stop being so stubborn! Akane's nice, but she's just not interested. Maybe it's time to start looking around..."  
  
"... Oh shut your stupid mouth, you!" R-D crossed his arms and glared at her. "Sure, she's engaged to Ranma, but all they ever do is fight! We're not giving up until the very end, got that?"  
  
They both paused for a second and glanced at Ryoga, who was further in front of them, talking to R-A. R-D sighed. "It'll hurt him. Shouldn't we stay a bit longer?"  
  
His 'sister' shook her head. "You know as well as I do how things are supposed to be. I wish we could stay too ... but the pain would only be multiplied, not divided." She sighed. "We have to go and we have to go tonight."  
  
R-D nodded sadly. "It _has_ been fun, hasn't it?"  
  
R-C sighed. "I'm going to miss everyone."  
  
They climbed to the top of the hill, where the other two were waiting for them. "What took you so long?" Ryoga asked.  
  
R-D shrugged. "R-C's little legs aren't long enough to keep up ..."  
  
R-C smacked him over the head. (Difficult. She had to jump to reach.) "We have to be serious!" She turned to Ryoga. "Do you recognise where we are?"  
  
Ryoga looked around at the blackened area. "Is this where the lightning struck? I didn't realise it was so close to Tokyo!"  
  
R-A nodded. "This is it all right." He clapped his 'brother' on the shoulder. "Well, I guess this is goodbye."  
  
Ryoga looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"  
  
"It's time for us to go," R-C said, smiling. "We had fun. Thanks for everything."  
  
Enlightenment dawned. "But you can't go!" They seemed to be growing fainter, or was that just his imagination?  
  
The other three looked sad. "We can't stay any more," R-D said quietly.  
  
"You're all healed outside, but we can't help you heal inside," R-A added.  
  
"What do you mean?" Ryoga asked, feeling slightly panicky. They _were_ getting fainter.  
  
"You'll see soon enough," R-C replied. "Goodbye."  
  
They vanished. Shockwaves passed through the air as molecules rushed in to fill the spaces they'd filled a second before. And as the connection with Ryoga was broken, he collapsed to the ground unconscious.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Cold water stuck him in the face, activating the curse. She sat up, gasping and spluttering. "What the...!" Looking around, she realised she was back in her room at Ucchans. "How did ... where did ..."  
  
Ukyo set the bucket back on the floor. "Sorry. You weren't waking up and I was getting concerned."  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at her and shook the water out of her hair. "Couldn't you have used warmer water though?"  
  
Ukyo glared back. "Don't be so damn picky! Is that all the thanks I get for carrying you back here?"  
  
"Thank you," she said absently, pulling her tee-shirt over her head and wringing it out.  
  
"You're getting water all over the floor!" Ukyo wailed.  
  
"So? It's already soaked where you emptied that bucket over me!" Ryoga-chan retorted, pulling her trousers off. *Why couldn't I be a tall girl? Being about ten sizes smaller is _so_ annoying! Well,* she reflected. *Not as annoying as turning into a pig at least.* She shivered a little.  
  
"Cold?" Ukyo asked sweetly, then poured a kettle full of water over her head. She was surprised to find a small part of her mind starting to dribble and wolf-whistle as she became a he.  
  
"OWOWOWOWOW!!!" Ryoga wailed. "TOO hot!" Aiko (cat) jumped through the window and onto his lap with a purr, stopping him in the process of opening his mouth to say something regrettable to Ukyo.  
  
The chef sighed. "Do you have any idea where R-C, R-A and R-D are? They weren't with you, that's for sure."  
  
The happy expression on Ryoga's face faded. "They had to go," he said sadly, looking at the floor.  
  
Ukyo was puzzled. "What do you mean, they had to go?"  
  
"They just ... went." He sighed. "Look, Ukyo, if you want me to carry on being a waiter or a waitress or whatever, that's fine. If you don't want me here ... I'll go." He jumped to his feet and looked around for some dry clothes. "I don't want to impose on you if you don't want me here," he said quietly, turning to face her.  
  
"No!" Ukyo jumped to her feet and grabbed him by the arm. "Stay!"  
  
Ryoga blinked at her. "Huh?"  
  
Ukyo reddened and released her grip on him. "I ... I mean, could you stay here, please?" She looked hopefully at him. "I-I mean that. I don't care if there's one of you or twelve of you, but I'd really appreciate it."  
  
Ryoga looked rather surprised (uh ... could that be because maybe he was rather surprised?), then he shrugged his shoulders. "Well ... I guess I could stay ... I mean, it'd be nice ..." *And I don't want to be lonely any more...*  
  
Ukyo nodded in relief. "Yeah." She stood there for a second.  
  
"Ukyo?" Ryoga said eventually.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
He gave her an impatient look. "Could you let me get dressed please?"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Soun gaped at the solicitor. "T-this can't be!"  
  
Shin Fujishima sighed. "Look, I know it's rather a shock, Mr Tendo, but it's quite clear in your wives will that she wants her daughters to be wed to the three Hibiki boys. And if I were you, I would respect her wishes."  
  
Soun was too gobsmacked to speak. Much. "But ... but ...but ..." Finally his brain grasped the words and allowed his mouth to form them. "Why wasn't I told sooner?!!"  
  
Shin shrugged. "Well naturally we brought it to your attention as soon as we found out. The thing is, we only discovered this a few days ago. An old friend of your wife was given the sealed envelope and told to give it to us when she died. She just ... misplaced the letter." He stood up. "I trust you will break the news to your daughters as soon as possible?"  
  
Soun opened and shut his mouth a few times before attempting comprehensible speech. "Yes ... yes I shall."  
  
Shin smiled. "In that case, I shall be on my way." He left the Dojo and leaned against the wall with a sigh. Sure, it was a very bad thing to do, and was completely against his moral beliefs. But the young lady in the leotard had paid him sooooooo much money ... and surely that was the point?  
  
Soun shivered at the prospect of telling his daughters the news. And Genma. True, his friend had engaged Ranma to countless other people, but so far his daughters had only been engaged to Ranma and no one else. But the wishes of his wife definitely outranked the promise to his oldest friend. If she wanted Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane to marry the three Hibiki boys, then he'd make sure they did just that.  
  
"Oh my." Kasumi looked surprised.  
  
Nabiki glared at her sister. "Yes, oh my is definitely the phrase I was looking for."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No!" Nabiki snapped. "The phrase I was looking for was no way, no and never, all in that order!"  
  
Kasumi blinked. "Now Nabiki, that's not nice. They're very nice boys."  
  
"Correction. Two of them are very nice boys, and I have a feeling I'm not going to get one of the very nice boys." She looked thoughtful for a second. "However, Akane isn't here at this precise second, and she got first digs on Ranma. So I'm going to have first choice this time." She ignored the little voice in the back of her head that was reminding her that she and Kasumi had shoved Akane forward, saying 'Oh, he wants Akane, definitely!' Nabiki grinned and turned to Kasumi. "So if it's all right with you, I'll have Ryoga. You can have R-A because he's too nice. He can help you do all the housework."  
  
Kasumi nodded.  
  
Soun sighed with relief, then decided he was going on a training journey before he tried to break the news to his more explosive child.  
  
"Going somewhere, Daddy?" Nabiki asked sweetly.  
  
Soun broke into a light sweat. "N-nooo, I was just ..."  
  
"Hi, I'm home!"  
  
Nabiki glanced at the doorway. "Oh, Sis! Guess what!" She ignored Soun's frantic gestures to shut the hell up before he was killed slowly in interesting ways.  
  
Akane looked at her sister. "Daddy's won the lottery? No, wait, Kasumi yelled? Uncle Saotome learned how to read Chinese? Umm ... Ranma's been enrolled in a charm school?"  
  
Ranma appeared at her side. "Hey. Just tell us. Otherwise this could take a long time."  
  
Nabiki grinned. "Congratulations! You've just become engaged!"  
  
*THUMP*  
  
"Oh my." Kasumi shook her head. All these people falling over made the house _so_ untidy.  
  
"Who to?!!" Akane finally managed to ask.  
  
Nabiki decided it was time to be really mean. "Daddy will explain, won't you Daddy?"  
  
Soun gulped. He outlined the story while edging towards the doorway. " ... So you are now engaged to R-D goodness is that the time?"  
  
"Hold it Dad." Akane grabbed her father by the scruff of the neck. "There is no way I am ever marrying R-D."  
  
Nabiki grinned. "Why? He's cute."  
  
"Yes but ..."  
  
"And strong. He could easily help run the Dojo."  
  
"I know but ..."  
  
"And he's got a nice body."  
  
Akane finally managed to get a word in edgeways. "If you like him so much, _you_ marry him!"  
  
Nabiki shrugged. "Can't. I'm engaged." She tried not to laugh. Akane was so mad, steam was almost coming out of her ears.  
  
"Can I point something out here?" They all turned to look at Ranma, who was leaning against the wall.  
  
"What?" Akane asked.  
  
"There aren't three Hibiki boys. Only one." Ranma laughed. "Don't you remember Ryoga explaining all this?" He turned to Soun. "Whoever told you your wife wanted Akane, Nabiki and Kasumi to marry R-D, R-A and Ryoga was yanking your chain. Two of them aren't even real."  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Oh yeah. I forgot about that."  
  
Akane poked her. "Never knew you had a crush on Ryoga. Mihoshi won't be happy, that's for sure."  
  
"Oh shut up." Nabiki glared at her. "I was just focusing on his good points."  
  
Soun went into sob mode. "Oh Ranma son, please hurry up and marry my daughter - I don't know how much more of this I can take!!!"  
  
Ranma backed away. "Whoa! Hold it right there! First, tell me who told you this and I'll go bash them up a bit!"  
  
Soun told him and Ranma narrowed his eyes. "OK. I think its time we had a talk with this solicitor person.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Cologne pogoed a fast as she could to the agency where Shin Fujishima worked. *If I can find out who made him do this and get a confession from them, Shampoo can go back to Ranma!* In her opinion, this was too good to be true. She had truth serum and a tape recorder all ready. *Sure, Ryoga's nice enough, but why have trout when you can have salmon?*  
  
Shin Fujishima had no idea how exciting his life was about to get when he climbed into his car and daydreamed about how he was going to spend his money. "A holiday for starters! Maybe I can tempt some cute girls into a good time ..."  
  
His daydreams were shattered by the arrival of a small monkey on a pogo stick bouncing onto his car bonnet. Cologne poked her head through the window. "Shin Fujishima?"  
  
He nodded automatically. *Well, they do say humans are evolved from monkeys ... *  
  
"Now tell me Shin. Who told you to tell Mr Tendo that the Hibiki boys were to be engaged to the Tendo girls?"  
  
His business composure took over. "Why, that's between my client and myself. Although if you must know, it was the final wish of Mrs Tendo."  
  
Cologne sighed. *Good thing I have a lot of this stuff,* she thought, popping a small vial of truth serum down his throat. "That's not very respectful to the dead. Now then, the truth, Mr Fujishima."  
  
"Kodachi Kuno," Shin said automatically. He covered his mouth in shock. "Ack!"  
  
Cologne smirked. "Thank you. I shall pay her a small visit now." She stood poised to hop away, then changed her mind. "Excuse me, Mr Fujishima, but do you wear womens underwear?"  
  
"Yes." He squawked in horror and covered his mouth with his hands again.  
  
Hey, even old women like to have a little laugh now and again. And Cologne was of no exception, chuckling to herself as she hopped away.  
  
Shin sat in his car, stunned for a second, before a boy with a pigtail and a short-haired girl ran up to his car. "Shin Fujishima?" Akane asked.  
  
"Yes." The truth serum was still working.  
  
Ranma pushed past her. "OK, tell me straight or I'll bash your head in. Who made you say that Mrs Tendo wanted her daughters to marry Ryoga and co?"  
  
"Kodachi Kuno." Shin groaned and rested his head against the steering wheel.  
  
Ranma was surprised at the lack of argument, but turned and ran anyway. "Come on Akane!"  
  
"Just a second." Akane looked at the man in the car. "Hey mister. Do you wear women's underwear?"  
  
"NO!" He turned the engine on and pushed the car into gear. "Get lost, little girl!" He revved up and sped out of the parking lot. He didn't want to be in the area when Miss Kuno heard about this.  
  
Akane sighed and caught up to Ranma. "Hey, Ranma?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Akane stopped running. "Ranma, can I talk to you for a moment?"  
  
Ranma turned and looked at her. "What is it?  
  
She looked at the floor. "It's just ... when we get the truth out of Kodachi, Ukyo and Shampoo are bound to find out. And I have a feeling they're not going to stay engaged to Ryoga when they can have you."  
  
Ranma thought for a second. *Damn!* He wasn't about to admit it, but it having only one fiancee was so ... relaxing. Less stressful. Akane had stopped beating him us so much too, which was a pleasant side effect. Despite the cooking, he could get used to having Akane as a fiancee. And he didn't want to go back to three.  
  
Akane continued. "They're going to find some way to worm their way back ... and ... and ...and..." She groaned. *Why can't I say it!* Truth was, she enjoyed not having to share Ranma. Having him to herself was nice ... and she didn't want to share him again. When he wasn't being constantly glomped by every other girl on the planet, he could be quite nice too. *Right. That's it!" she thought sternly, squaring her shoulders. "I don't want to mumble you..."  
  
"Huh?" Ranma looked at her, puzzled.  
  
"I DON'T WANT TO SHARE YOU!" There. She'd said it. And now she wished she hadn't, because knowing him, the jerk, he was going to laugh at her...  
  
"I-I don't want to either ..."  
  
Akane gazed at her fiance in astonishment. He seemed serious. "Are you ill?" she asked in concern.  
  
"No!" Ranma threw her a murderous look. "Why are you making this so hard, you un- cute tomboy!"  
  
"Jerk." She grinned. "So we'll just not tell them?"  
  
Ranma grinned back. "Yeah. That's what we'll do."  
  
End Part XIX Epilogue#1  
  
Final song - Hang On To A Dream  
  
==================  
  
PART XX  
  
Catching the Butterfly.  
  
Until Death us do part.  
  
Epilogue#2  
  
==================  
  
Ryoga looked around slowly, trying to figure out where he was supposed to be serving the seafood okonomyaki he was holding. He turned around again. *Help!*  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Behind you, Ryoga. The guy with the red hat," she called.  
  
"Thanks Ucchan." He didn't even notice what he'd said, he was too busy thanking the few lucky stars he possessed that the guy wasn't too far away for him to get lost again, and that he hadn't been smacked over the head as usual. Well, he'd soon wish those lucky stars had saved the luck till later.  
  
Ukyo turned scarlet and pretended she hadn't heard.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Kodachi was not in a good mood. OK, she was in a real shitty mood. One moment she'd been relishing the daydream of marrying Ranma, having his children and leading a happy life, next thing she knew, the Chinese bimbo's great-grandmother was stood in her bedroom glaring at her. Accompanied by Ranma darling and the Tendo girl.  
  
A few minutes ago, they'd met up in the driveway below. Ranma glared at Cologne. "What are you doing here, you dried up old mummy?" he asked rudely.  
  
Cologne didn't bother to rise to the insult. "Now now, son-in-law, I have with me, truth serum and a tape recorder. I will let you have a copy of the Kuno girls confession for Soun Tendo. IF you let Shampoo return to you as your fiancee."  
  
"No way!" he blurted, then wished he hadn't. *Drat! I didn't think about how I was gonna prove all this! I need that recorder!*  
  
Cologne shrugged. "I was going to add, if she chooses. But, there we go. Akane, congratulations on your engagement ..."  
  
Akane looked at Ranma. He looked back. "Aw jeez. Sorry Akane, but it's the only way to stop you from becoming R-D's wife." He turned to Cologne. "If you give me a copy of the confession, I will let Shampoo be my fiancee. But that doesn't mean I will marry her, you got that?"  
  
Cologne nodded. Akane nodded and didn't punch Ranma into the stratosphere. Ranma decided not to share his views on the fact that all this wasn't very fair to Ucchan and although he didn't like it, he'd play her a copy of the recording and see if she wanted to be his fiancee again. They made their way into the Kuno homestead.  
  
"Ranma darling!" Kodachi purred. *With all the other girls engaged, you have finally come to me!*  
  
Ranma looked at her. "My my. Haven't we been doing our homework," he said sarcastically. Unknown to Kodachi, Cologne switched on the tape recorder and snuck up behind her with the truth serum.  
  
"What are you talking abo..."  
  
Cologne popped the serum in her mouth while she was talking and settled back to watch the results.  
  
Ranma continued. "Hitting all their weak spots. Shampoo being defeated in battle, you faked the photograph, didn't you? Ucchan and Ryoga - you knew my pop wanted to get rid of her and would send one of those faked photo's to her father. And Akane. You targeted the one thing that her father would rank as more important than his promise to my pop - his wife's final wishes." He paused. "Isn't that true?"  
  
"Yes." Kodachi was shocked, to say the least.  
  
"Tell us all about it," Akane said with a small smirk.  
  
Kodachi was trapped. Condemned by her own words. She explained all about it. All the research she'd done into chinese law and the Tendo family history. Ryoga and Ukyo, she added. That had been pure luck, when Mr Saotome had sent it to Ukyo's father. She'd merely been expecting Ranma to accuse Ukyo of being unfaithful to him and dump her. She talked until the tape ran out.  
  
Cologne grinned. "Well, thank you for that interesting little talk, Miss Kuno. We'll be on our way now." She hopped out of the window, closely followed by Ranma and Akane.  
  
"Hey, old lady! You'd better keep your side of the bargain," Ranma called.  
  
Cologne nodded. "I'll make a copy of it right now," she promised.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Shampoo looked at the tape recorder. "This all true?" she asked finally.  
  
Cologne nodded. "Every little bitty detail." *Good thing I sent Mousse out on a delivery call*  
  
Shampoo shrugged. "So?"  
  
Cologne gazed at her great-granddaughter in amazement. "Don't you see? With this, you can be Ranma's fiancee again! If Nabiki threatens to send that photo to the council, we have proof that it isn't real!" She waved the original tape at Shampoo. "You don't have to marry Ryoga any more!"  
  
Shampoo stared at the tape. *I-it can't be true!* She could be Ranma's fiancee again. Ranma, the man she'd loved for so long. The man she'd been to Jusenkyo for. The man she'd spent so long plotting to gain. The man she'd spent so many nights dreaming of.  
  
The man who'd dumped her.  
  
She blinked. Ranma had dumped her without a second thought and left her with two choices for a husband. Mousse.  
  
And Ryoga.  
  
The spatula girl was certain to choose Ranma, then it would return to the vicious circle of her, Akane, and Ukyo chasing Ranma. If he'd dropped her so quickly this time, then the likelihood of him choosing her at the bitter end was very small. She wasn't sure she'd be able to cope with losing him again. It was hard enough the first time. When he'd left her without a second thought. To marry either Mousse or Ryoga.  
  
And she'd chosen Ryoga. And he was nice to her. They were friends. They might be more, if given a chance. Sure, Ranma would be a better choice as an Amazon but ... "Ranma is a JERK!!!"  
  
Cologne gaped at her in amazement. "Wh-what?"  
  
Shampoo stood up. "Ranma is a jerk. Shampoo stay with Ryoga." She gave the shocked Amazon elder a sweet smile. "I go take him tape?  
  
Cologne nodded numbly.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Kodachi lit the last candle and began chanting. This was the final resort. All the preparations were made. The cellar was her little place. No-one would disturb her in her work.  
  
If selling her soul to the Devil was what she needed to do to make Ranma hers, then she'd sell it.  
  
There was a loud explosion, lots of bangs and lots of smoke. Kodachi coughed and waved some of away. When the smoke cleared, standing in the centre of the five-pointed star was the Devil himself.  
  
The most evil being in history.  
  
The darkest creature in mythology.  
  
And he was holding .... a handful of Magic Knight Rayearth cards.  
  
Kodachi pointed to them, speechless.  
  
Satan shrugged. "So I was having a slow day and invited some friends over. Big deal."  
  
"But Magic Knight Rayearth?" Kodachi looked at them a moment longer.  
  
Satan glared at her. "So I like them." He stretched his form for a second. "OK lady, I've got a good hand here, and I just _know_ someone's gonna be going through the pack right now and cheating. So hurry up and tell me what you want."  
  
Kodachi straightened up. "I am willing to sell my soul in return for the love of Ranma Saotome." She paused for a second. "And could you also kill _anyone_ who interferes?"  
  
Satan nodded. "Very well. The nastiest demons in Amityville are on the case. And just so you know I really a nice person a heart, I'll not take your soul until after the job is finished." He vanished.  
  
Kodachi reached down and picked up the ace of hearts, which had a cute l'il super deformed Hikaru on the front. "I think you forgot something."  
  
The card vanished.  
  
~~~~~  
  
George and Kathy Lutz gasped in surprise. One second earlier, there had been chaos. Walls had been dripping slime again and the clock had struck thirteen. And once again. Kathy had been possessed by a demon. And it had all stopped. George didn't believe it would last. "Kathy, get the kids. We're getting the hell out of here."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Back in Japan, a long distance lorry driver climbed out of his cab with a groan and walked into the roadside cafe. The demons waited until he'd entered the cafe before taking over the engine and manoeuvring the _very_ large vehicle out of the car park. When you imagine this tanker, think big. Think ginormous. Think "Whoa Mama!" The demons chattered and laughed as they headed the tanker down the road, in pursuit of the person who would pose them the biggest threat, but didn't even realise it.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Ucchan. Something you need to hear," Ranma proclaimed, entering the restaurant.  
  
Akane poked him. "Why are you telling her?" she hissed.  
  
"Because it's not fair otherwise. Besides, she may not want to be my fiancee again. Shampoo didn't," Ranma replied. He was rather hurt about that, although there was no way he'd ever tell Akane that - she'd just clobber him. He'd never've believed it if Shampoo hadn't said so herself. Akane nodded her understanding.  
  
Ukyo quickly poured a glass of cold water over Aiko before Ranma had a chance to notice her, and walked over to him. "What is it, Ranchan?"  
  
Ranma gulped. "This is pretty important ... and I think Ryoga should hear it too." *Suicide! But I suppose it _does_ concern him ...*  
  
Ryoga grabbed the tee-shirt he kept under the counter and pulled it over Aiko, before walking over to them. "Hear what?"  
  
Ranma picked up the tape recorder and pressed play. "Listen."  
  
"...poisoned him and took a photo of the okonomiyaki chef leaning over him. Then I doctored the photograph to make it look like they were kissing and I sent it to my darling Ranma in the hope that he would dump her ..."  
  
Ryoga and Ukyo listened in stunned silence for a second. "Is that ..."  
  
Ranma reached over and stopped the tape. "It's Kodachi. And it's all true." He looked at them both with a serious expression. "Ucchan, I'll understand if you don't want to, but if you do, you can be my fiancee again. I'll explain to your pop. But this time the decision's all yours."  
  
Ryoga stood up. He already knew what the answer would be. *She'll have Ranma back. So will Shampoo. Everything's all back to how it used to be. Which means I'm out.* "Well, I wish you all the best. It's been fun," he said quietly. He walked towards the door. "Thanks for everything."  
  
Ukyo jumped to her feet and ran after him. "Wait a second! I haven't even answered yet!"  
  
"So?" Ryoga turned around. "You've been devoted to the guy for ten years, one way or another. When your Dad said you had to marry me, you spent four hours on the phone trying to get out of it. What's changed? You're still going to go running back to him." He turned and walked towards the door again.  
  
Ukyo gazed after him, then ran forward again. "Where do you think you're going?"  
  
"Home." *Wherever home is.*  
  
"You haven't finished working!"  
  
"Well I quit!" *I don't need to see you and Akane and Shampoo all fighting over Ranma again! So stop dragging me down and let me get away!* He almost wished he had the courage to say that, but knew that she'd whack him over the head until he agreed to do as he was damn well told.  
  
Ukyo glared at him. "Well that's fine! See if I give a damn!!!" *How dare you just walk out on me, you bastard!!! I don't need you anyway!!*  
  
"FINE!!!"  
  
"FINE!!!"  
  
They glared at each other a little longer. "I thought you were going!" Ukyo snapped.  
  
"Oh, I'm going all right!" Ryoga snapped back. He stomped out of the door, resisting the rising urge to slam it behind him.  
  
"Meow!"  
  
Ukyo glared at the little kitten-child behind her. Ignoring the small part of her mind that was screaming to her 'Yo, Ucchan, get a grip! Ryoga had left the cat behind because it would be too dangerous to take her with him!', she grabbed Aiko by the back of the tee- shirt and dragged her to the door. She flung the door open and stamped onto the pavement. "Take your dratted little moggy with you!" she screamed, shoving Aiko forward. "And I hope she gets hit by a truck!" Aiko ran into the road.  
  
The demons screamed with demonic laughter as the tanker rushed down the road, bearing down on the kitten-child. She froze like a deer caught in headlights.  
  
Ryoga spun around. Without even pausing to think, he ran froward to push her out of the way. Just a second too late.  
  
The tanker turned, slamming Ryoga and Aiko into the side of the building opposite Ucchans. The demons laughed, then disappeared. Their work was done for the day.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga slowly opened his eyes, then shut them again. His body hurt all over and he was vaguely aware of someone screaming. He wished he could tell them to shut the hell up.  
  
".... the driver? there's no driver? how can ..."  
  
He opened his eyes again, and looked around. Why was there so much blood? Why couldn't he move? He blinked a few times. Ah. That was why. A huge great truck had jammed him against the side of a building.  
  
"... alive. for gods sake, phone ..."  
  
He considered trying to move the tanker, but quickly changed his mind. That would mean moving, which meant he'd hurt more which meant the pain would make him focus more on the situation in hand. Which he _really_ didn't want to do because that meant he'd probably find out that this blood everywhere didn't belong to him, but to someone else. And everyone else who had been around were people he was rather fond of and he didn't want to be covered in their blood.  
  
"... ryoga, can you hear ..."  
  
Aiko.  
  
Had he saved her? He looked around wildly, searching for her. He scanned the forming crowd. Ranma looked stunned, Ryoga noted. You probably could've knocked him down with a feather. Akane wasn't here ... oh, there she was. Holding back Ucchan. She looked just as stunned as Ranma. And Ucchan. Ah. So she was the one doing all the screaming by the sounds of things. Akane was trying to hold her back. Ryoga looked at her a little longer. Funny. Why was she crying? It wasn't like anyone important had been hit, Like Ranma or Akane or Ucchan... why the hell was he thinking of her as Ucchan? Where the heck was Aiko? He scanned the crowd a moment longer.  
  
"...i'm sorry i'm so so sorry i didn't mean it oh god i'm so sorry ..."  
  
She wasn't in the crowd. Maybe she was inside. He frowned a little, then stopped because it hurt to frown. All this blood couldn't be his, not if he was still here. And he was pretty sure he wasn't a ghost because his body hurt like hell. So that must mean someone else had gotten hit too. He turned slightly, ignoring the pain flooding through him as he did so.  
  
Aiko.  
  
She looked even worse than he did. Rather more mangled, he decided. Maybe because she was smaller and not as tough as him. He seriously doubted she was still alive, even though the small part of his mind that was usually controlling him insisted it was probably all just surface wounds and she was just unconscious. Yeah right. And Akane would jump into his arms and beg him to take her.  
  
"... let me go akane, i have to see if he's all right..."  
  
He began to wish the other part of his mind _was_ in control, instead of this logical one. Although the moment that other part took control, he knew he was going to lose it badly and probably join Ucchan with the screaming. He wished she would stop it. She was giving him a headache. The sirens weren't helping either.  
  
Ah. Sirens. Maybe it was ambulance people. They'd take Aiko and make her all better, because there was no way she was going to be all right, all messed up like that, bent out of shape and covered in blood ... now he was losing it. Any second now he was going to pass out, then he'd wake up and realise that Aiko was dead. She couldn't be alive, not now. The ambulance people could try, but they couldn't make her the same again. Maybe they'd make Ucchan shut up though. If she didn't shut up, he was going to go insane. Why was Ucchan fighting Akane? Didn't she see that Akane was just trying to stop her from hurting herself on all the glass and metal lying around. Oh now Ucchan, that was mean. You shouldn't have elbowed Akane in the stomach like that.  
  
"Ryoga? Ryoga I'm sorry!" Ukyo ran over to him.  
  
A burly police officer blocked her path. "Missy, you can't come through here."  
  
"Get out of my way, you asshole!" Ukyo snarled. "I need to see if he's all right."  
  
The policeman shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that. The paramedics are going to check him out..."  
  
"Get LOST!"  
  
"Now there's no need to get hysterical..." He placed a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"HYSTERICAL?!!" Ukyo jerked away from him. "Damn fuckin' right I'm hysterical! That's my fiance, you jerk! Now let me past!"  
  
Ryoga grinned inwardly. He'd never really heard Ucchan swear much before and it was amusing to say the least.  
  
"He's your fiance?" The policeman looked a bit more concerned. "OK Missy, I think we should have the paramedics check you out too."  
  
"I don't NEED frickin' checking, I'm fine!"  
  
"Hey Ucchan?" Ryoga said weakly.  
  
Ukyo and the policeman stopped arguing and turned to stare at him. "What? What is it?" she asked, rushing past the policeman and kneeling down next to him.  
  
"Could you please shut up? You're really giving me a he..." Blackness overwhelmed him and he slumped against the front of the truck before he could finish talking.  
  
"...ryoga?! wake up you bastard, don't you dare die on me, ryoga, are you listening to me you little..."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga opened his eyes, blinking in the light. That was better. At least he didn't have a tanker pressed against his chest anymore. It really put a damper on trying to breathe.  
  
"Ryoga?"  
  
*GLOMP*  
  
Ok. So now instead of a tanker pressed against his chest he had a person pressed against his chest. He focused on whoever it was.  
  
Female. (Good!) Brunette. Long hair. Ah. "Ucchan?"  
  
"Yes?" Ukyo didn't move.  
  
"You're kinda hurting me now." That was true in any case, he reflected. Sure, it was nice to be glomped every now and then, but his poor body hurt all over. Even with his body, being slammed into a wall by a huge tanker doing 120 mph at the time of impact can really hurt. Especially when you aren't even blocking.  
  
Ukyo sat up. "Sorry." She paused for a second, then crumbled. "I'm so sorry, really really sorry! I didn't mean it, I swear!" she sobbed. "You can hate me forever if you want, I deserve it for being such a bitch to you..."  
  
"Ucchan, shut up and talk sane," Ryoga blurted. *Yep, my brain's still addled. I musta hit my head too hard or something.* Normally, he'd never say anything like that - the chances of having his head smacked were too high. Then again, this was hardly normal. Him in a hospital bed and Ukyo in hysterics about it. "It wasn't your fault, got that?"  
  
"But ... if I hadn't kicked you out ..."  
  
"I left, remember?" Ryoga made himself a little more comfortable. "So where's Aiko?" *Tell me I imagined that bit ... I was hallucinating.* Part of him was screaming for him to shut up. He didn't want to know - best to think she'd run away. Another part of him just needed to know if she was dead or alive. Problem was, he already knew the answer and he had a bad feeling that when Ukyo confirmed it, the rational part of him that was dealing with this whole mess would shut down and he'd lose it.  
  
Ukyo placed a hesitant arm around his shoulders. "I-I'm sorry ..."  
  
*No ...* His shoulders slumped.  
  
"...There was nothing they could do to save her ..."  
  
*Stop it ... I don't want to know this...* he thought, starting to shake.  
  
"... She was dead on arrival ..."  
  
"NO!" Ukyo stopped talking. "It's not true! She can't be dead ... they saved her, they had to..." He started to cry. "Japan has the b-best t-t- technology in the w-world ... she's t-t- too l-lit-little..." He stopped, unable to continue coherently. *She was mine! MY little Aiko ... and now she's all gone...* Sobs of grief wracked through him.  
  
Ukyo pulled him closer and he leaned his head on her shoulder. "I'm sorry ..." she whispered.  
  
"S-s-she w-was a-a-all I-I h-had l-le-left i-in the w-wo-orld ..." he managed to choke out, before Ukyo pressed a finger to his lips.  
  
"Ssh." She gave him a little smile. "You don't have to explain. Just rest."  
  
Ryoga nodded and closed his eyes, sniffling. It wasn't long before he was asleep.  
  
Ukyo sighed and looked at him, sleeping in the hospital bed. *It's sad really ... you never know how much someone means to you until you lose them ...* It was kinda strange, she thought, how much younger he looked. Younger and even more vulnerable. She leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips. *Get better soon ... and don't ever scare me like that again.*  
  
End Part XX Epilogue#2 


	5. Chapter 2

CATCHING THE BUTTERFLY VOL 2  
  
It never rains, but it pours.  
  
General disclaimer - All characters were stolen from Rumiko Takahashi. I think I also stole a few from Naoko Takeuchi, Hitoshi Okuda and Shinpei Itoh. I've only read about Skuld in Oh My Goddess, Sympathy for the Devil, but she was so cool, I just _had_ to use her. She may be a little OOC though. I've pinched the demons from the Amityville Horror story, although Jodie is the only one I actually know about (A giant demon pig. How ironic). And a lot of quotes I pinched from Friends and Red Dwarf. I will probably insert some silly and utterly useless cameo whenever things get a bit too dark, because I'm like that. I'm hoping that I don't get hunted down for using their chara's, because if they cut my hands off, I'll have to type with my toes, which will make writing the thing a whole lot damn harder. For all you lucky people who live in Japan or places with all the manga and anime, sorry but I will not be introducing Akari and Konatsu, for a few reasons - one, I've not seen much Ranma anime, so getting to know them that way is rather difficult, two, I can't read Japanese Ranma manga so getting to know them that way is rather difficult, three, they haven't been introduced in English or French manga yet which makes getting to know them ... four, I don't like them anyway, nasty people interfering in Ryoga and Ukyo's eternal happiness TOGETHER grumblegrumble and I will chew my eyelids off before I add them into any fanfic I write, which will be hard because my teeth don't reach that far up.  
  
=================  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
Dreaming of a way out.  
  
=================  
  
Ryoga looked around. "Where on earth am I now?!!" he cried. It was very difficult to see - mainly because it was pitch black. He didn't notice the red puddle forming around him. He took a step forward ... and found himself falling.  
  
Falling into a river.  
  
A river of blood.  
  
He hit the surface of the river with a splash, reverting to his female form. Gasping for breath, Ryoga-chan tried to ignore the feel of the blood on her skin and tried to swim to shore.  
  
She never made it.  
  
The demon hands reached out and dragged her back, pushing her head under and holding her there. She couldn't break free. She couldn't _breathe. The demons laughed and taunted.  
  
"You killed her."  
  
*Noo....*  
  
"If you'd been faster, you could've saved her."  
  
*No, please nooo ...*  
  
"Aiko is dead and it's all your fault! You know it is!"  
  
The demons howled.  
  
"And now it's time to pay." The red exploded.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga sat up with a gasp. *Just a dream ... another dream...* He glanced at the little clock Ukyo had brought to the hospital for him. *Three fifteen in the morning again?* He drew his knees up underneath his chin and rocked back and forth a little. *I can't cope anymore ...*  
  
Shadowy figures crept around the ward, reaching for the most lethal instruments they could find. Ryoga stiffened as a chill ran down his spine and he turned around.  
  
Moonlight glinted off the blade as it swung towards his neck. "For Aiko, you bastard!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Once again Ryoga sat up with a gasp. Only this time Ukyo was sat on the edge of the bed. He looked at her fearfully. "Am I awake this time?" Ukyo pinched him. "Ow! What was that for?!"  
  
"Just checking. With all these nightmares you keep having, it's hard to tell one from another." She looked at the clock. "Three fifteen again. What timing." She placed an arm around him. "So was it the same as the others?"  
  
Ryoga nodded. He tried to look calm, but seeing how he was shaking like a leaf, the act wasn't too convincing. He glanced at Ukyo, who was doing her best not to yawn. "Ucchan, go back to bed."  
  
Ukyo laughed. "Now, we both know how this goes - you go back to sleep and I keep you company. _Then_ I go back to bed."  
  
"But ..."  
  
Ukyo put on her best stern look. "Do as you're told! Or else!"  
  
Ryoga gave her a weak grin and lay down again. When the fear of the nightmares had faded a little, he closed his eyes. A few minutes later he was asleep again. Ukyo stood up with a sigh. *Poor Ryoga ... I won't leave you to fight through this alone.* She leaned over him and brushed his hair out of his eyes. *Not any more...*  
  
=============  
  
PART I  
  
Hospital Trust 1  
  
=============  
  
Maika and Miyu flew above the city, looking for an opening in Locust-Man's defences. "That's one ugly alien," Maika observed.  
  
"Look who's talking!" Locust-Man snapped.  
  
Maika glowered. "Is that any way to talk to a lady?"  
  
Miyu tapped her on the shoulder. "Uhh ... Maika, don't look now but we've got company." She pointed to a nearby rooftop.  
  
Maika groaned as she spotted who Miyu was referring to. On the rooftop were five girls in multicoloured sailor suits, doing silly poses. "The crops you contaminated were grown to save lives, not end them," they shouted. "For love and for justice, we are the beautiful Sailor Senshi,"  
  
"Sailor Mercury!"  
  
"Sailor Mars!"  
  
"Sailor Jupiter!"  
  
"Sailor Venus!"  
  
"Sailor Moon!" Sailor Moon pointed at Locust-Man. "And on behalf of the moon, you're punished!"  
  
Maika shook her head. "Why does nobody ever kill them during that speech?" she wondered aloud.  
  
Miyu shrugged. "You know, we could leave them to deal with this and go visit Ryoga in hospital," she suggested.  
  
"What for?"  
  
"Because we are investigating where his strange energy patterns are coming from and where his siblings have disappeared to," Miyu reminded her, dodging a flaming ward from Sailor Mars. "Also, on Earth, it is customary to visit friends and relatives while they are in hospital to make them less lonely and to take them gifts of flowers and jigsaws. Also, we get to sign any casts he may have," she added with a grin.  
  
"He didn't break any bones," Maika reminded her partner. "Very abnormal for an teenage boy hit by a truck doing 120mph."  
  
"Which is why we should visit him," Miyu finished. "To find out why he's there."  
  
They flew off, leaving the five Sailor Senshi to deal with Locust-Man. "Moon Tiara Magic!" Bunny cried, throwing her tiara at him and narrowly missing hacking off her pigtails in the meantime.  
  
Locust-Man looked annoyed as the tiara bounced uselessly off his shell.  
  
"Uhhh ... Bunny, I really think this one was one of the Hyperdoll's foes," Amy said, looking at her computer.  
  
"Oh, now you tell us!!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Akane and Ranma gazed in astonishment at the crowded room. "I didn't realised Ryoga was so popular with the girls," Akane said eventually, looking at Maika, Miyu, Mihoshi, Ukyo, Shampoo and a few others.  
  
"I don't think he did, either," Ranma replied. He waded through the giggling girls to Ryoga's bedside. "So how are you then?"  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "I feel fine, but they won't let me go. They've decided I'm suffering from depression and might be a danger to myself. Can't think why."  
  
Ranma nodded slowly. "Somehow I can see where they're coming from."  
  
Akane shoved past him. "Hey Ryoga, I made you some cookies," she said with a smile, handing them over.  
  
"He's already _in_ hospital, Akane," Ranma joked, dodging the mallet.  
  
Ryoga tried not to look ill. "Anybody want a cookie first?" he asked cheerfully.  
  
Mihoshi bounced over. "Oooh! Look, they're cute little ..." She trailed off. "Thingys." She popped the cookie in her mouth. And chewed. And collapsed.  
  
Ryoga handed the cookies back to Akane. "No offence, but you might want to work on them ..."  
  
Akane pouted. "I was so sure ..."  
  
Miyu patted her on the shoulder. "Don't feel down. I bet Maika would enjoy them."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"She's given up her diet, you see..."  
  
"How dare you!"  
  
A large nurse (fondly dubbed 'Sister Blister' for no known reason) lumbered into the room. "All right, everybody out now!"  
  
Good natured grumbles and protests followed this request. "Just a second," Ryoga called. "Hey Ranma, has Kodachi been around lately?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "I haven't seen her since her little confession. It's weird. But nice."  
  
"She probably found something fun to do rather than chasing you." Ryoga smirked. "Like swimming in shark-infested waters."  
  
Ranma glowered. "If you weren't already in hospital, I'd ..."  
  
Akane grabbed him by the ear. "Leave him alone, Ranma, you insensitive jerk!"  
  
"Uncute tomboy!"  
  
Ryoga watched them fighting, although they didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as usual. *Must be because there's no-one to interfere with their relationship. Shampoo, for some utterly unknown reason has decided she likes me better than Ranma...* He'd almost died of shock after hearing that one. *Kodachi hasn't been around for the past week...* Frankly, that just made him nervous. Then again, after being hit by a very large tanker - with no driver - and losing the person who meant the most to him in all his life - things did tend to make him slightly nervous nowadays. And nowanights. Try sleeping calmly after all that had happened to you less than a week ago. *If they didn't stick me full of sedatives, I wouldn't sleep at all!!* He laughed a little at this.  
  
Mihoshi regained consciousness and flopped backwards onto the bed. "What's the time?" She glanced at the clock. "Oh, time to go." She sat up and grabbed Ryoga's hands. "You will come back to school soon, won't you? It's no fun otherwise."  
  
Ukyo tensed, tightening the grip on her spatula, but Maika interrupted, not even realising the headache she was saving Ryoga. "Mihoshi, get a grip!" She grabbed hold of the collar of Mihoshi's school uniform and yanked the blond onto her feet. "We have to go now, anyway."  
  
"Oh, but... WAOH!!"  
  
Ryoga shook his head as the three aliens left the room, followed by an un- protesting Akai. "I'll never understand how Mihoshi can trip over nothing at all," he said, looking dazed.  
  
A few of the other girls said their goodbyes and left too, Shampoo giving Ryoga a quick hug, much to his immense surprise.  
  
Ranma looked at Ryoga (who still had a shell-shocked look on his face) with a look that was partly envy and partly sympathy. Envy because of all the attention getting his by a truck generates.  
  
And sympathy. For once, he was actually feeling sympathetic towards the lost boy. It couldn't be easy, seeing the kid you think of as your daughter getting mashed by a tanker. And Ryoga _had_ thought of Aiko as a daughter. He made that obvious a few days ago...  
  
"Can I leave tomorrow?" Ryoga asked again.  
  
"NO!!" Sister Blister stormed out of the room.  
  
Ranma yawned. "Give it up, Ryoga. You've been haggling poor old Sis' Blis' for an hour now. This isn't like begging to have your friends stay a little longer." He patted Ryoga on the head, much to his anger. "That cute l'il boy act ain't gonna get you outta here."  
  
Ryoga flopped back onto the pillows with a groan. "Argh! What is going on here!! I perfectly fine!" He chopped at the cabinet next to him, disintegrating it into tiny fragments. "I-am-perfectly-fine!!!"  
  
Ukyo sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you?!! They want to keep an eye on you to make sure you are emotionally stable. You had a bad shock. You've been having awful nightmares and they just want to make sure you won't be a danger to yourself or to anyone else."  
  
Ryoga looked puzzled. "Huh?"  
  
Ranma sighed. "Ryoga, they think you might go insane."  
  
Ryoga looked even more puzzled. "But why?"  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Because you and your damn little kitty got hit by a truck and they were dumb enough to think she was a real girl..."  
  
The rest of the words that had fallen out of his mouth before he'd remembered to turn his brain on were cut off by the application of Ryoga's fist to Ranma's skull. Ranma flew across the room, taking out most of opposite wall. Ranma wheezed for breath - difficult. Ryoga had his one hand clamped against his throat and pounded his fist up and down on Ranma's face. "DON'T YOU _EVER_, _EVER_ AGAIN IMPLY THAT SHE WASN'T IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!" Ryoga screamed.  
  
Ukyo pulled him away. "Ryoga, clam down..."  
  
Ryoga burst into tears. "S-s-she wa-was m-mine, m-my l-l-little g-girl.."  
  
Ranma wished he could learn how to keep his mouth under control as he gasped for breath and left the room sheepishly. Looking back at them, he couldn't recall ever seeing Ryoga so upset...  
  
Ryoga looked curiously at Ranma. "Why on earth are you staring at me, Saotome?  
  
Ranma shook his head to clear it. "I was just remembering how you went berserk at me the other day."  
  
Ryoga groaned. "You just had to bring that up, didn't you? We have a normal little discussion and they won't let me out now."  
  
Ukyo shrugged. "You caved the wall in."  
  
"But that's not unusual!" Ryoga protested. "Well, at least, not by our standards."  
  
"Well, what's so bad about being in hospital?" Ranma asked. "You get to miss school - Happosai's started lurking around the gym armed with water pistols. And Kuno's upset that his bandannad girl is missing."  
  
Akane whapped Ranma lightly on the head. "Shut up you. You have _no_ bedside manner whatsoever, do you?" She dragged Ranma out of the room.  
  
Ryoga looked at Ukyo. "You'd better be going in a minute too." Ukyo nodded. As Ryoga's fiancee, that meant she was allowed to visit him at any hour. Still ... "Ucchan, you don't have to stay here overnight."  
  
Ukyo smiled at him. "Try saying that to me at three-fifteen tonight," she pointed out. "I'll be back later." She left the room with a wave.  
  
Ryoga returned the wave. And waited a little while. Then up-ended a glass of cold water over his head. People were always more willing to lend a sympathetic ear to a crying girl than a crying boy, he'd discovered.  
  
End Part I  
  
Final song - Save Tonight  
  
===============  
  
PART II  
  
Demons and Angels  
  
===============  
  
"You know, Miyu, this is getting rather ridiculous," Maika commented.  
  
Miyu nodded. "At least the arrival of Compiler and Assembler means we can have a rest."  
  
They watched the fight for a little longer. "It's a shame that the little Magical Girl Pretty Sammy is having such trouble trying to persuade them to let her have a go," Miyu said after a small pause.  
  
"Do you believe this is one of her missions?"  
  
"Of course." Miyu pointed over the balcony. "You see? There's Pixie Misa."  
  
Another strange creature loomed over buildings. "Is that one of our..."  
  
"Men in Black, Agent's J and K." The girls turned. One of them almost smiled. "I'm Agent J. We need to use your apartment for a moment, Hyperdolls."  
  
"What for?" Maika asked.  
  
Agent J broke into a light sweat and crossed his legs. "Well actually, I just wanted to use the bathroom."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga looked at the Doctor in frustration. "WHY can't you just give me a prescription of anti-depressants or something and let me go home?" he pleaded. "It's been _days_ since I broke that wall! And it was an accident!"  
  
The Doctor sighed. "I told you, we'd talk about it tomorrow. We're just interested in your sleep patterns."  
  
Ryoga blinked in astonishment. "B-but I thought this was all because of my emotional state! What does me sleeping have to do with anything?!"  
  
"You've been having bad dreams each night since we admitted you. You never had them before the accident ..."  
  
"Sure I did," Ryoga said, slightly confused. "I had nightmares quite a lot."  
  
The Doctor shifted. "But these nightmares follow a continuous pattern. You have recurring dreams and wake up every night at exactly the same time." He paused for emphasis. "_Exactly_ the same time." He grinned. "Frankly, that makes you a very interesting person as far as science is concerned."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
The Doctor resisted the urge to bash his head against the wall. "To make it clear, we want to study you more, while you are sleeping and try to see happens. You know, maybe record them, take neural impulse readings and such like ..."  
  
"No." Ryoga stood up. "I don't want people poking around in my subconscious mind just to find out why I have bad dreams. I'll cope with it back at home."  
  
The Doctor nodded his understanding. "How about we do a compromise?"  
  
Ryoga looked at him suspiciously. "What kind of compromise?"  
  
"We let you go home. Physically, you're perfectly fine, although only god knows how. We'll give you some anti-depressants to cope with the shock."  
  
"And?" Ryoga prompted.  
  
"And, if you keep having all these recurring dreams, waking up at the same time each night or if you start sleepwalking or something..."  
  
"Sleepwalking?!!"  
  
The Doctor nodded. "Sleepwalking. It's possible that the stress could make you sleepwalk. Which, given your sense of direction, could be a bit dangerous." He paused again. "There is a chance that you even start going through motions in your sleep too - like training, or cooking. But there's also a chance you could hurt yourself if you're left unsupervised."  
  
Ryoga thought for a second. "I think I choose going home." He stood up and walked to the door "I'll come back if there's any problems though."  
  
"Ryoga, your room's _that_ way."  
  
"I knew that," he lied, turning and walking away, surprisingly enough, in the correct direction.  
  
The Doctor groaned and took some pills out of his desk draw. "It's a pity we can't do anything about your infernal sense of direction," he muttered to himself, swallowing two of the pills. *I hate to discharge you so soon, but after you walked in on three of the nurses while they were bathing, they've threatened to quit and we can't afford to lose any more staff now.*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Kodachi was pissed off. She lit the candles again and started chanting. It had been over a week since she'd decided to carry out the most drastic plan ever to ensnare her beloved Ranma, and the only interesting thing that had happened so far was that Hibiki and a young girl had been hit by a tanker. That was all well and good, in Kodachi's opinion - if Hibiki was an obstacle, then it served him right. Pity the girl had to die. But surely the demons should be killing the Kuonji girl, the ramen witch and the awful Tendo girl too? After all, they were far more dangerous, in her opinion. Well, she wanted an explanation as to why she still didn't have Ranma, and she wanted an explanation now.  
  
Satan appeared in a puff of evil-smelling smoke. "What the heck d'ya want now, Toots?" he growled.  
  
Kodachi tried to look calm. "I asked for Ranma Darling to fall for me, and for anyone who interfered to die. Why isn't that happening?"  
  
Satan looked surprised. "Oh, sorry." He whipped out a mobile phone and dialled a few numbers. "Hey, what's the deal on the Kuno case? We've had complaints. Amityville demons? But those guys are supposed to be the best. Well, what's the point of taking out Hibiki, the biggest threat in all this, if you're just gonna torment him for a week?!! I don't care if it's fun! Take out the others too. Then you're gonna have to deal with Hibiki again. Of course he isn't dead, you moron! You think a measly little tanker could bring the guy down?!! Hell, this guy could survive the Blitz!!! You'd better, buster. Or heads will roll.!" He hung up and wiped his brow. "Sorry about the delay Miss Kuno. The Amityville demons were having such fun tormenting Hibiki that they forgot the rest of the case. The rest of your rivals will be taken out as soon as possible, then we'll work on making Saotome fall for you."  
  
Kodachi smiled. "Why, thank you." *Ranma Darling, soon you will be mine!!!!!*  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Hey, Skuld!!" Urd looked around for her younger sister. "Skuld?" She sighed. *Where the heck are you, you little brat?!!*  
  
Skuld poked her head out of her bedroom doorway. "What do you want, Urd?"  
  
Urd put on her best sincere look. "Guess what? The Almighty has a job for you!"  
  
The younger goddess blinked. "For me? What is it?" Then she narrowed her eyes. "This is a trick of some sort, isn't it?"  
  
Urd looked hurt. "Of course it isn't! It's just, Belldandy is busy here with Keiichi, and I busy keeping an eye out for Mara, and you're the best girl for the job!"  
  
*Keeping an eye out for Mara? You just don't wanna do whatever it is!* Skuld decided to play along for a little while. "So what do I have to do?"  
  
"Well, have you ever heard of a place called Nerima?"  
  
"No."  
  
Urd settled down to outline the mission. "Well, a girl lives there called Kodachi Kuno. She recently summoned the Devil ..."  
  
"What the heck did she go and do _that_ for?!!" Skuld never understood why people were willing to sell their souls to evil forces.  
  
"Would you let me finish?!!" Urd snapped irritably. "She wanted some guy called Ranma Saotome to fall in love with her, and for anyone who interfered to be killed." She paused. "There's a guy who lives in the same area, called Ryoga Hibiki..."  
  
"Oh, _I_ see!" Skuld jumped to her feet. "He's the one, isn't he? And you want me to train him!" She crossed her arms. "Well, I ain't gonna do it! I have bugs to zap!!"  
  
Urd looked pleadingly at her. "But you're the best! You're the only one with the right technology! And they're Amityville demons!! And your Mister Bug Zapper works fine!"  
  
Skuld paused. "Amityville demons? They're here?!!" Urd nodded. Skuld sighed. "All right. But only because they destroyed my Super Lesser Demon Zapper Mark 1."  
  
Urd grinned. "Well, you're the best, sis! I've already run a bath for you to move through!"  
  
"You've been planning this, haven't you?"  
  
End Part II  
  
Final song - Angels  
  
====================  
  
PART III  
  
Meet the new Magical Guy!!  
  
====================  
  
There are three major gods who play a large part in everybody's lives. They are Destiny, Fate and Luck. It's difficult to tell sometimes who is responsible for what happens in life. For example, was Ranma and Akane's engagement Fate, Destiny or just Luck? Was it bad Luck that made Ranma mistake Ukyo for a boy? I can tell you now that most of Ryoga's misfortunes came from Luck. Luck did not like him in the slightest. Even gods can hold grudges. And Luck has a major grudge against Ryoga.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga relaxed in the hot tub. Baths in hospital were not nice and he'd been looking forward to a nice, hot, relaxing bath for the past few days. He let his thoughts wander. *What am I going to do with my life now I haven't got Aiko to care for?* he wondered, feeling the horrible hollow feeling of loss. *I _could_ stay here - Ukyo's willing - but that's because she feels guilty for letting Aiko run into the road. Even though it's _my_ fault she's dead.* He sighed. *I don't deserve the sympathy everyone's been giving me. I don't deserve anything. I should ... go.* He thought about this for a little longer. It made sense. Finish paying off Mr Tendo, then resume wandering. Give up on Akane, Shampoo and Uk-anyone else. He didn't deserve to be loved. Everyone he loved always left him in the end at any case. He'd just go ... was it his imagination, or was there a swirling vortex in the bathtub?  
  
In a bright flash of light, Skuld flew out of the water and hovered above the water. "Hi there!"  
  
Ryoga shut his eyes. *If she's still there when I open my eyes, I'm going to scream.* He opened his eyes.  
  
Skuld turned to face him. "Oh." A deep blush flooded across her face. *Urd never told me this guy was so cute!* Ryoga screamed for a whole four seconds, before Skuld gathered her wits about her and clamped a hand over his mouth. "Jeez! Sorry!"  
  
Ukyo burst into the bathroom. "Whatisit?!!! Wha..." She stopped in her tracks. She rubbed her eyes and wondered if somehow, she'd ended up with Mousses eyesight. Another look informed her that the scene hadn't changed and there was still a fully clothed girl in the bath, leaning over Ryoga, who was wearing slightly less. OK, so he wasn't wearing anything, which made things a bit distracting. She began to glow with anger anyway. "Ryoga, you ... you ..."  
  
*Oh dear, Urd never told me he lived with someone else,* Skuld thought to herself.  
  
"PERVERT!!!"  
  
Skuld winced as a very large spatula connected with Ryoga's skull and was surprised to see him unharmed. *Then again, that shouldn't be surprising. But I guess I'd better explain myself.*  
  
Ryoga finally managed to grab the spatula and yanked it out of Ukyo's grasp. "What was that for?!! I've never seen her before!!!"  
  
Ukyo yanked her spatula back. "Well what the hell is she doing in the bath with you then?!!"  
  
Skuld sighed. "My name's Skuld. I'm a goddess, second class, limited. Sorry about this."  
  
Ryoga and Ukyo looked at her in surprise. "A goddess?" Ukyo asked. "Why are you here?"  
  
"Um..." *Sheesh! This is getting messy!* And idea popped into Skuld's mind. "Well, remember when those copies of Ryoga here got made when he was struck by lightning?"  
  
"How could we forget," Ryoga mumbled.  
  
"And then he got by a truck," Skuld continued. "Which wasn't supposed to happen. So I've been sent to make sure nothing else interferes in your life that isn't supposed to." There. A cover story and an excuse to stay a while too.  
  
"That doesn't explain what you were doing in my bath," Ryoga grumbled.  
  
Skuld blushed. "Sorry about that. I can only travel through hot water and it happened to be the hottest water close to you."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga sat down on the edge of his futon and began to get dressed. He didn't notice the mug of tea he'd placed on the floor beginning to bubble until Skuld popped out of it and clamped her hand over his mouth. "Ssh... I need to talk to you alone," she whispered. "So no screaming!" Ryoga nodded silently and Skuld lifted her hand. "Good. Now listen carefully. Do you remember your parents?"  
  
"Not really. It's been years since I saw them," Ryoga said with a sigh. He always hoped that one day, he'd meet his parents again and they could be a normal family. But that was pretty unlikely to happen.  
  
Skuld felt a little sorry for him. "Well, your father is a god..."  
  
"A WHAT?!!" So maybe that made being a normal family even more unlikely.  
  
"A god. A war god. That makes you and your sister pretty special, huh."  
  
Ryoga blinked. "Sister? What sister?"  
  
The dark-haired goddess continued, oblivious to Ryoga's question. "But now the Amityville demons want you dead - you and your friends. So I need to help you to fight them." With a grin, she handed him a wand. "Sorry if this sounds a bit too Sailor Moon- ish, but you have to become a magical warrior to fight against them. That's all that'll save you and your friends."  
  
"Goodnight." Ryoga rolled on to his futon and pulled the covers over his head.  
  
"YOU ARE NOT DREAMING!!!!" Skuld hit him over the head with the wand. "The more you put this off, the more danger your friends are in!"  
  
He sat up slowly, with a groan. "All right, all right. I'll play along." *And I thought my life couldn't get any weirder!* "What do I have to do?"  
  
She handed him the wand. "Wave this and say..."  
  
"I'm not saying 'Moon Prism Power Make Up', not even if you turn me female," Ryoga interrupted.  
  
"No, all you have to say is 'Power up.' I never saw the point in long, pointless transformation passwords. Be glad you're not Magical Drama Queen Roxy," Skuld explained. "Stand up and say it."  
  
Looking mortally embarrassed, Ryoga waved the wand over his head and said the phrase. There was a flash of light and a few moments of silence. He broke the silence. "Why am I dressed like Tuxedo Mask?"  
  
"You look nothing like Tuxedo Mask!" Skuld protested. "Your outfit is a _totally_ different colour!"  
  
A small problem poked it's nasty little head up. "Skuld, what about if it rains?"  
  
Skuld was puzzled. "What do you mean?"  
  
Best to demonstrate. "Pour some cold water on me," Ryoga explained. Skuld did so, jumping backwards in surprise as he turned from a tall, well-built guy into a petite, slim girl. Ryoga-chan laughed a little. "See what I mean? This outfit is fine when I'm a guy, but not when I'm a girl."  
  
Skuld nodded. "I'll see what I can do." Waving her arms in the air, she muttered a small spell under her breath. Ryoga-chan's outfit immediately turned into something looking like a cross between Magical Girl Pretty Sammy and Moldiver's. "There! Now pour a little of that tea over yourself." Ryoga-chan did as she was told and the outfit turned back to the Tuxedo Mask one. "From now on, whenever you change, your clothes will change too. But only when you've powered up."  
  
Ryoga nodded. "So when I'm a guy, I get a tux. But when I'm a girl I get a tiny skirt, high heels and a sleeveless top? Isn't that a little impractical? I can't walk in heels!"  
  
"You're not going to walk, you're going to run." Skuld almost laughed at the expression on his face. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. I'll teach you every..." She stopped. *Those waves - they're after the Tendo girl!!*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Things seemed normal enough in the Tendo Dojo - Akane and Ranma-chan were fighting, Nabiki was taking photographs from her window, Soun and Genma were playing shogi and Kasumi was humming to herself while stirring some soup. "Ranma, you jerk! Stand still and let me kill you!" Akane shouted in frustration. Ranma-chan just laughed. Neither of them took much notice of the swirling darkness behind them.  
  
The demon that emerged from the darkness watched them for a second, before lazily pointing a finger at Akane. A line of energy sliced through the ground just in front of her. "This is Reality FM, and thank you for tuning in to the same wavelength!" it said sarcastically.  
  
Akane and Ranma-chan glared at it. "What was that for?" Akane growled. "And just what the hell are you?"  
  
"Me? I'm just a demon." It bowed mockingly. "I'm sorry, but you have to die now. Nothing personal."  
  
Akane jumped out of the way as another furrow blasted through the ground. "For a demon, that was one bad shot," Ranma-chan said dryly.  
  
"Oh, I just like a bit of fun," it replied, dodging Ranma-chan and Akane's attacks easily. "But I guess it's time to get serious."  
  
Inside, Kasumi stepped back from her soup as a guy with a tiny little girl sitting on his shoulder popped up out of it. "Oh my!"  
  
"Sorry Kasumi!" he called, running out of the kitchen.  
  
Mini-Skuld pointed. "That way. That's where the waves are coming from."  
  
Ryoga nodded and burst into the garden, knocking the demon over. The energy bolt hit the ground just in front of Akane, who jumped back with a squeal.  
  
"Just who the heck are you?!!" Ranma-chan exploded.  
  
Ryoga blinked. "Me? I'm ... uh ... Skuld, help me here!" Mini-Skuld sighed and whispered in his ear. "I'm Magical Guy Makoto!"  
  
End Part III  
  
Final song - Something Happened On The Way To Heaven  
  
==============  
  
PART IV  
  
Sleepless in Tokyo.  
  
==============  
  
"Magical Guy Makoto?!! What were you smoking when you thought up _that_ one, Skuld?!!" Ryoga muttered under his breath.  
  
Mini-Skuld shrugged. "It was all I could think of a such short notice." She pointed to the demon, who was carefully studying them with a Look. A kind of look that implied that it was wondering whether to bother attacking them or continuing it's attack of Akane. "Take it out with an energy ball."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Point the wand at it. And hope genetics helps you grasp magic."  
  
The demon decided to attack them. After all, it's orders were to kill anyone who interfered, and they'd interfered. "Prepare to..."  
  
Ryoga pointed the wand at it. The energy ball struck it and it disappeared. "Huh. That was easy."  
  
Mini-Skuld shrugged. "That was a boring, insignificant demon. Don't expect the rest to be so easy to take out." She posed dramatically. "Back to the soup!"  
  
Akane and Ranma-chan gaped at them as they disappeared back into the Dojo. Upstairs, Nabiki switched off her camcorder and phoned a few contacts. *Magical Guy Makoto, hmm? Interesting.*  
  
"Hey, Akane?" Ranma-chan said finally.  
  
"Yes Ranma?"  
  
"Did you see some guy in a tux just blast away a demon thing?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good. Neither did I."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Power down."  
  
Mini-Skuld watched Ryoga lose the disguise. "Well, that went well for a trial run," she said cheerfully.  
  
Ryoga looked at her. "What was it you were saying about more demons?"  
  
"What, you think that's the best they could come up with? That demon probably wouldn't be a match for Magical Girl Pretty Sammy!" She grinned at him. "You did good back then. Some people find it harder to grasp magic powers than others. Even with magic in their blood."  
  
"All I did was imagine what I wanted the attack to do," Ryoga said in response.  
  
Mini-Skuld nodded. "That's how it's done. Easy in theory, not always so easy in practice. Good thing you've got it though." She stood up and stretched. "Come on, lets go downstairs. I wanna get back to the rest of me."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Later that night, Skuld tapped a few numbers on her calculator, mumbling measurements under her breath. She was presently working on a way for Ryoga to detect the arrival of demons himself, without her around. "3 times by 5.78 divide by cos 92 equals ... 666." She frowned at the output. "No it doesn't!" She tried again. "66.6? That can't be..." It finally clicked.  
  
666. The sign of the devil.  
  
Footsteps above her made her drop the calculator. *They can't have realised Magical Guy Makoto is really Ryoga yet, can they?!!* She looked at the clock. *Ten past three. Couldn't they've waited till morning?* she wondered, making her way up the stairs.  
  
Ukyo turned to face her. "Skuld! I'm sorry, did I wake you?"  
  
"Nah, I was already awake." Skuld looked at the chef. "But what are you doing up so late?"  
  
Ukyo looked at the floor silently. Finally, she decided she could trust the goddess. "You know Ryoga and Aiko were hit by a truck?"  
  
"Of course. Aiko died, didn't she?" *Damn those Amityville bastards! That kid was innocent!* Skuld knew it was because Ryoga was the biggest threat to their plans - his father was a very powerful god ...  
  
"Yes. But since then, he's had nightmares every single night. And each time, he wakes up at exactly three fifteen. Spooky, but true." Ukyo sighed. "I figured if I get up at ten past, I'll be there when he wakes up."  
  
Skuld nodded slowly. *So _that's_ where these faint waves are from... demons playing in his sleep.* The revenge of the Amityville demons. If he was going to screw up their plans, they were going to screw up his mind. She was going to have to find a way to stop that. "Well, I hope he's OK. Do you want me to come along too?"  
  
"No, that's OK. You should get some sleep," Ukyo quickly insisted.  
  
Skuld nodded, smiling a little. *Urd would just love to poke her nose into all this! Still...* She decided to take Ukyo's advice and go to bed.  
  
Ukyo waited for a moment, before continuing to Ryoga's room. Settling down on the edge of the futon, she watched him in the dim moonlight. He looked so peaceful ... *Pity he's gonna wake up in about three minutes.*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga walked forward, looking cautiously from side to side. *I _know_ they're out there ...* he thought to himself, trying to see through the dense blackness. The air felt thick, like it hadn't been breathed for a while, and there was a faint smell, like flowers. He pricked his ears up at the sound of a pipe organ. *What is a pipe organ doing here?!! Where am I anyway?*  
  
A faint glow flickered in the corner of his vision. A candle. The glow grew brighter as more candles ignited, forming a trail. He followed it curiously, half noticing that the smell of flowers was getting stronger and the music from the pipe organ was getting louder. He stumbled into a clearing, lined with flowers and candles. To one side, a figure was playing a wedding march and a girl in a wedding dress had her back to him.  
  
"A-Akane?" he whispered, walking forward.  
  
She turned around. "Ryoga, you jackass! You promised you'd try not to get lost this time," she cried, smacking him over the head with her spatula.  
  
"Ouch!" Ryoga looked at her in surprise. "Ucchan! What did you do that for? Where am I?"  
  
Ukyo giggled. "It's a wedding, silly. Took you long enough to get here."  
  
"And I'm the best man, right?"  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"Ouch!!!"  
  
"You're the groom!!"  
  
Ryoga blinked a few times and rewound the words through his head. "G-groom? W-who's the bride?"  
  
"Me, idiot!!! Oh, for goodness sake!" She grabbed the stunned boy by the arm and dragged him over to the alter. "Hey, Mousse, get on with it!"  
  
Mousse, who was now a priest, grinned happily. "Glad to see you finally came to your senses and gave up on Shampoo, Ryoga. Now, Ukyo, do you take Ryoga to be your lawfully wedded husband?"  
  
"Sure do."  
  
Mousse turned to Ryoga. "Do you take Ukyo to be your lawfully wedded wife?"  
  
Ryoga looked dazed. "Me? Well ... um... I..."  
  
Ukyo hefted her spatula. "Saying something, Darling?"  
  
"Yes, I do!!" *After all, it's only a dream...*  
  
Mousse grinned. "And it's about time too! I pronounce ... oh, wait. Does anyone know of any reason why these two should not be wed?"  
  
Ukyo groaned. "Mousse, we're the only people here, except for Ranchan and Akane, and they're not gonna say..."  
  
"I know."  
  
Ryoga and Ukyo spun around at the voice. "Who's there?!!" Ukyo cried, on guard.  
  
A small figure stepped out of the shadows and Ryoga's heart almost stopped. It was Aiko. "I know why they can not be happily married," the little girl said solemnly. She pointed at Ryoga. "Because he killed me! He can never be happy now!!"  
  
The flames of the candles increased in intensity as Ryoga fell to his knees. "No... Aiko, I tried..."  
  
"It's your fault I'm dead! You could have saved me and You Know It." she snarled, walking forward. He didn't notice everyone else dissipate into mist. "I'll never let you be happy. Not now, not ever."  
  
"Please, Aiko..."  
  
The flames drew closer around him. "Not even in the eternal sleep of death." The flames engulfed him and Aiko smiled. "As you will soon find out."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo watched as the young martial artist screamed and sat up. "Hush Ryoga. It was only a dream," she murmured, placing her arms around him comfortingly.  
  
Ryoga jerked away from her and stood up. "Don't." He walked over to the door.  
  
Ukyo was puzzled. "Ryoga, what's the matter?" She stood up to follow him. "Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Stop feeling SORRY for me!!" he shouted at her, before running out of the room and making his way up onto the roof. *Why are you doing this? I don't _want_ your sympathy, Ucchan! I don't deserve it!* He shivered a little - it was a cold night and he was only wearing his boxers. He didn't care though. He didn't deserve to sleep in a nice warm bed when he'd killed Aiko. He didn't deserve to stay here, in the restaurant, when he was guilty for her death. *I could have saved her. If I'd just been a little faster, she'd be alive now...* Sobs wracked through his body as he remembered the little girl.  
  
"Hey."  
  
Ryoga glanced up at the okonomiyaki chef and tried to stop the tears. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel sorry for him. "I thought I told you to leave me alone," he mumbled.  
  
Ukyo sat down next to him. "Hey, I was worried about you, jerk! And cover yourself up a little, you'll freeze." She ignored the part of her mind that reminded her that she only wanted him to cover himself up a little so she wouldn't be able to ogle him any more, because it seemed kinda unfaithful to Ranma. *Then again, I'm not engaged to Ranchan, I'm engaged to Ryoga. But I'm only engaged to Ryoga because I feel guilty for getting Aiko killed and it meant I could visit him all the time. Sooo ... I should dump Ryoga. Before he gets the wrong idea and thinks I actually like him or anything... but not yet though. Later, when he's better...*  
  
"I don't care. Just go away," Ryoga muttered.  
  
Ukyo fixed him with an angry glare. "I got up at three fifteen in the morning to keep you company, jackass!"  
  
"What for? I don't need you. I'm only here so I can earn enough money to pay back Mr Tendo. Not for the good of my health, you got that?"  
  
Ukyo looked at him with even more concern, her little spurt of anger forgotten. "Ryoga, please tell me what's wrong, I can help you..."  
  
"Fffft. I don't _want_ your help," he growled. "I never wanted your help. If I wanted help, I'd have asked for it!!" He jumped to his feet. "I'm going back to bed."  
  
Ukyo watched him walk away, worry apparent on her face. *Ryoga? What happened to you...?*  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Anything interesting in the news?"  
  
Ukyo looked at Ryoga in surprise as he walked into the main part of the restaurant the next morning. He appeared to have forgotten the events of the night before, and was acting normally. Which was strange.  
  
"Ukyo? Are you awake?" Ryoga waved a hand in front of her eyes.  
  
Ukyo shook her head. "Yeah, sorry." She flicked through the paper. "Just normal stuff, mass property damage from the Hyperdolls, the Sailor Senshi took out more of the dark kingdom and most of Tokyo Tower, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy blew up Riaoh Academy _again, Mishuma Heavy Industries created some more robots and are suing Compiler and Assembler for destroying them...." She groaned. "Ugh. Japan has far too many super-heroes. Look, here's a new one."  
  
"What, SuperTed?" Ryoga picked up his cup of tea and raised it to his lips.  
  
"No, some guy called Magical Guy Makoto ... Ryoga, are you all right?" she asked, seeing him choke on his tea.  
  
Ryoga coughed in embarrassment. "Sorry, drank it too fast. So, Magical Guy Makoto, eh?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.  
  
Ukyo, luckily, didn't pick up on his mood. "Yeah... Oh, I can't believe these guys were dumb enough to swallow a story from Nabiki!"  
  
"Nabiki?" *I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!!!!!*  
  
Nod. "Apparently a weird creature attacked Akane yesterday and this Makoto guy rescued her and Nabiki got it on film." She folded up the paper. "I mean, how dumb is that? Ranchan would've told me if something like that had happened."  
  
"So you don't think this Magical Guy is real then?" he asked quickly.  
  
Ukyo shook her head. "Nah. I bet it's one of Nabiki's get rich quick deals."  
  
Ryoga sighed in relief. *Thank goodness for that!*  
  
Pausing to write a quick note for Skuld when she woke up, Ukyo headed towards the door. "You don't have to come back to school yet, you know."  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "I've missed too much school already. Lets go."  
  
End Part IV  
  
Final song - It's A Kind Of Magic 


	6. Chapter 2 Parts 5 to 8

Disclaimer Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without permission, as are all other characters from whatever Manga/Anime they're from.  
  
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at http://lovesucks.topcities.com/  
  
PART V  
  
Death by cookie.  
  
=============  
  
School was boring. Well, boring by Nerima's standards, any normal person attending school there was probably on medication. (Praise the Lord for our school system, where the most interesting thing to happen is the school psycho - usually my sister - beats up the teacher and sets fire to the place.)  
  
Ryoga noted the few changes in the past week. They had a new science teacher (who was the only person over the age of eleven to be shorter than him in his female form) and a new science lab with Bunsen burners that really worked. *Good! That means the water'll actually heat up.* The gym was trashed - courtesy of a meeting with Ranma, Happosai and Kuno - and there were a couple of new students.  
  
"Ryoko, you schemer! How dare you say such a thing!!!!" screamed a girl with purple hair in pigtails.  
  
"Calm down Ayeka! My, my, aren't we tetchy today," Ryoko said with a smirk. "Is it that time of the month?"  
  
Ayeka fumed and raced towards her. Ryoko got a spell ready. Tenchi ran forward. "Please, not here, Ryoko!"  
  
Mihoshi appeared at Ryoga's side. "Hi, didn't think you'd be back today," she said cheerfully. "Come and meet my friends." She dragged him over to the general melee, just avoiding being blasted by Ryoko's shot. "Ryoko, Ayeka, Tenchi, I'd like you to meet Ryoga. Ryoga, this is Tenchi, Ryoko and Ayeka."  
  
Tenchi cautiously emerged from his desk shield. "Nice to meet you," he said, holding out a hand.  
  
Ryoko pushed past him. "So you're the guy Mihoshi's been prattling on about. My name's Ryoko and I'm Tenchi's fian..."  
  
*WHAM*  
  
Ayeka placed the desk back on the floor. "Honestly, Ryoko, have you no shame?!! Lord Tenchi is _mine." She smiled pleasantly at Ryoga. "Good day. My name is Ayeka. I really must apologise for Ryoko, she has absolutely no manners what so ever..." She bowed down a little.  
  
Ryoko immediately flung her arms around Tenchi's neck. "Why Ayeka. I hope you and Ryoga will be happy together!"  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"FLIRT!!"  
  
"OW!" Ryoga glared at Ukyo. "She was just being polite!"  
  
Ayeka nodded, then turned back to Ryoko. "Yes, SO GET YOUR HANDS OFF TENCHI, YOU SHAMELESS HUSSY!!!!"  
  
Tenchi sat down at his desk and buried his head in his hands. "Why? What did I do to deserve all this?" he wailed.  
  
Ryoga glanced at Ukyo and shrugged. The new arrivals were sure to fit in very nicely at Furinkan.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Washu glanced at the students in front of her, all working quietly. She was the only person Mihoshi had told about her mission, and she was keeping a very close eye on Ryoga. When Tenchi had been expelled from school (for blowing up the science lab - nobody needed to know it was really Ayeka and Ryoko who'd done so) she'd decided the three of them should join Furinkan, and she could teach there to keep an eye on them. (Well, her daughter - and Ryoga - to be specific.)  
  
So far she was getting the same strange readings as the Hyperdolls had, and no clues as to why. It was _most_ frustrating! Here she was, the greatest genius in the universe and she couldn't even tell why a human was emitting energy waves strong enough to blow up the universe.  
  
Ryoga yawned and looked out of the window. Science made no sense to him - it refused to acknowledge the existence of magic, which he knew all to well to exist. Plus, it was almost as confusing as Geography. *Maybe I should've stayed home today... but Skuld said I should try and stick around Akane, Ukyo and Ranma.* He glanced the board and attempted to pay attention. *What the hell do I need to stick around Ranma for though? Surely he can take care of himself? * At least at home, he could watch TV...  
  
"Hibiki? Are you paying attention?"  
  
Ryoga jumped. "Ah... of course, Sensei," he lied.  
  
"Call me Little Washu!" Washu looked pained. "So what's the answer, A or B?"  
  
"A," Ranma whispered behind him.  
  
"A," Ryoga repeated.  
  
Washu laughed and shook her head. "There wasn't any question. Now get on with the work."  
  
Ryoga flushed in embarrassment and ducked his head. "Sorry, Sensei."  
  
"THAT'S LITTLE WASHU!!!"  
  
Ranma sniggered behind him and poked him with his ruler. "Idiot."  
  
Ryoga turned around and glared at him. "I'll get you for that."  
  
"Sure you will, Ryoga-chan," Ranma said with a grin, squirting a pipette of cold water at him.  
  
Akane smacked him over the head. "Stop picking on poor Ryoga!"  
  
Ryoga-chan yanked the umbrella from the top of her pack and advanced on Ranma angrily. "I'll KILL you!!!"  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"Stop picking on Ranchan!!"  
  
"I didn't touch him!!"  
  
Washu shook her head. "Class, back to work. Hibiki, there is a kettle on my desk, you can use that to turn yourself back with."  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded gratefully. "Uh... where's your desk, Sensei?"  
  
"THAT'S LITTLE WASHUUUUUUU!!!! LITTLE WASHU, DAMMIT!!!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Skuld yawned and dragged herself down the stairs. "Wow... what a night. Back to my mechanics then." This time, she was thankful to see her calculations turn out correctly, and soon her latest invention was complete. "My Super Demon Detector! My sweet l'il invention, what a superbly compact and well designed body you have!" she murmured. "Now to give it to Ryoga."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga picked up his cup of tea. "I can't believe you blew up your science lab!"  
  
Tenchi shrugged. "Neither can I. But here I am, in a school that seems even crazier than my old one." He watched Ranma and Kuno fighting. "Is everyone here a martial artist then?" he enquired, watching Ranma casually dodge Kuno's blows and walk over to them.  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "No, just a few. Are you?"  
  
"I sword fight, but that's about it."  
  
Ryoga glared at Ranma as he sat down next to them. "Don't you dare even think about splashing me with cold water again, you pervert."  
  
"I'm very sorry, I must have slipped," Ranma lied sweetly. "We're still friends, aren't we?"  
  
"We are _NOT_ friends."  
  
"Oh Tenchi, I made you some cookies!!!" simultaneous calls came from Ayeka and Ryoko.  
  
Tenchi went white. "Oh no!"  
  
Ranma looked at him. "Hey, their cooking can't be worse than Akane's."  
  
"Wanna bet?" Tenchi and Ranma looked at each other.  
  
"Ranma, I made you some cookies and you are going to eat them, you ingrate!!" Akane stomped over to him and pushed the plate under his nose. Ryoko and Ayeka did likewise next to her.  
  
Ryoga took a sip of his tea and watched with mild interest as Tenchi and Ranma carefully swapped cookies without the girls seeing, and took bites. Ranma instantly doubled over and Tenchi collapsed. "Yu..you win..." Tenchi gasped eventually.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "I..I think y-you win..." They both passed out.  
  
Ryoko, Ayeka and Akane all squealed with horror and began to drag their significant others to the nurses office. Ryoga sighed. "Morons." He lifted his cup again.  
  
There was a flash of light and Skuld appeared above his cup. She looked down. "Sorry. Were you drinking that?"  
  
"I was." He set the drink down next to him. "So what d'ya want?"  
  
Skuld handed him a small device. "This will detect any demons within a five mile radius, so you can find them without my help."  
  
"Find them?" Ryoga laughed sarcastically. "With _my_ sense of direction?"  
  
Skuld shrugged. "Didn't you notice yesterday? When you're powered up, I made it so you can find your way around. After all, it'd be too easy to link you to Makoto if both of you got lost all the time."  
  
Ryoga thought back. "Oh yeah! Can't you do that for me normally?"  
  
Skuld shook her head. "Too suspicious. But just to make sure you're OK, I'll try to keep one of me near you just in case demons turn up. Speaking of which..." She took the Super Demon Detector from him. "Well, lets turn it ON!!!" With a flourish, she pressed the on switch.  
  
Ryoga looked at it. "What do those little lights mean?"  
  
She pointed to a blue dot. "That is you. The yellow dot is me, and that red dot's a demon..."  
  
"Demon?"  
  
"Demon." She paused. "DEMON?!!" She split into two parts and the smaller one jumped onto his shoulder. "Let's go!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ranma groaned and looked at the ceiling. "When we get married, I'm never letting you cook..."  
  
Akane jerked her head up. "What?"  
  
*Oops. Did I say that out loud?* He grinned weakly at her. "It's not that your cooking's bad..."  
  
"When we get married?" Akane looked closely at him.  
  
Ranma gulped. "When? I meant IF. Of course. If. I didn't say that, really..."  
  
Akane sighed. "Never mind then." *And I thought you were warming to the idea of marrying me...* She glanced over to the other bed, where Ayeka and Ryoko were fussing over a mortally embarrassed Tenchi. *Now where have I seen that sort of scene before...?*  
  
Ukyo burst through the doors and ran over to Ranma. "Ranchan! Are you OK?"  
  
Akane looked at her. "Aren't you with Ryoga?"  
  
Ukyo looked puzzled. "I thought he'd be here with you lot."  
  
Ryoko glanced over at them. "Ryoga? Maybe Mihoshi knows where he is."  
  
Ukyo opened her mouth to reply that if Ryoga _was_ with Mihoshi, she was going to beat him to death with her spatula. Her comment was cut short by the spectacular arrival of a demon. The doors blew open. The room went cold. Ukyo could've sworn the light dimmed.  
  
Ryoko jumped to her feet. "I don't what you are, but I'm not going to let you hurt my Tenchi!!" She changed into full battle armour and flew towards it.  
  
Pointing a hand at her, it blasted her backwards across the room. She struck the back wall.  
  
"Ryoko!" Tenchi sat up.  
  
Ryoko climbed to her feet with some difficulty. "T-Tenchi..."  
  
The demon struck a pose. "Silence, creature! My name is Morganan. I am one of the demons of Amityville and business is not with you, but with Akane Tendo and Ukyo Kuonji."  
  
"What do you want with them?" Ranma asked carefully. He tried to move, but Ryoko's cookies had paralysed him.  
  
"Why, I want to kill them." Morganan laughed. He raised a hand, swirling eddies of light and darkness into a vortex that promised pain and suffering for anything that touched it. You could almost hear the screams of those trapped in the darkness, tortured souls that hadn't managed to escape before Amityville had dragged them into eternal oblivion. Akane and Ukyo gulped nervously. He released it. It flew towards Akane and Ukyo, who screamed in terror.  
  
And never reached them.  
  
Morganan blinked in surprise as the attack cut out of existence half way across the room. "Wha...?"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," came the voice behind him.  
  
"It can't be..." gasped Akane. Ukyo and Ranma just stood (or sat as the case may be) in shocked silence.  
  
Morganan turned to see a figure in a tuxedo standing behind him. He growled in annoyance. "Who are you?"  
  
"My name is Magical Guy Makoto." Ryoga watched the demon in front of him. *I swear Skuld, I could just kill you.* he thought, hearing the small snigger from Mini-Skuld.  
  
Morganan glared at him. "Well, Magical Guy, I haven't got time to play with you. So just go away and I won't kill you too."  
  
Ryoga pointed the wand at him. "Play? I'm not here to play, I'm here to fight."  
  
"You asked for it!"  
  
Ryoko grabbed Ayeka and Tenchi and teleported out of the room. Akane and Ukyo grabbed Ranma and jumped out of the window, the doorway cut off by Morganan and Ryoga. The room exploded in a flash of light and darkness as Morganan and Ryoga simultaneously launched attacks at each other and raising the cost of insurance even more in Nerima. (Furinkan high school was insured against acts of God, and the Principle was now fervently hoping this also meant acts of the Devil too.) Quite a lot of the nurses station suddenly found itself outside the school instead of inside and fell to the ground. The students of Furinkan, eager to be released from the dreary monotony of lessons, ran over to the crash site. Morganan emerged from the rubble. "Victory is mine!!!" he roared. "Akane Tendo, Ukyo Kuonji, surrender to me!!"  
  
"Not so fast."  
  
Nabiki quickly grabbed her camera and began snapping photographs. "Wow! This is great! An attack on our school of all places!"  
  
"Nabiki!" Akane scolded. She turned to watch the fight again. "I wonder who he is?"  
  
Nabiki grinned. "I'll try to find out. Let's corner him when he wins and take his mask off."  
  
Mihoshi ran over towards them. "Does anyone know where Ryoga is? I wanted to give him some cookies."  
  
Ukyo glanced at her. "How can you be thinking about Ryoga when Magical Guy Makoto is beating up a demon in the school grounds?" she asked curiously. "He's probably gotten lost, same as usual." She resisted the sudden urge to bash Mihoshi over the head with the cookies for reminding her that she did in fact have a conscience. She was suddenly very worried about the fact that she didn't know where Ryoga was. *I should have made him stay at home. Then he couldn't worry me by being missing until later.*  
  
Ryoga, meanwhile was getting increasingly annoyed. Morganan was a much better fighter than the demon he'd fought the day before. "Skuld, help me here!* he whispered, dodging another blast.  
  
"Next time you attack, yell 'Hyper Star Boost'," Mini-Skuld said. "That should do the trick."  
  
Ryoga nodded and ran forward. "Lightning Strike Hyper Star Boost!!" he cried, pointing the wand at Morganan. The attack split into a five-pointed star and struck Morganan, who, with a howl of rage, exploded, knocking everyone backwards. When the dust cleared, Magical Guy Makoto had disappeared.  
  
End Part V  
  
Final song - Thunderstruck  
  
=======================  
  
PART VI  
  
Too many Defenders of Justice  
  
spoil the Okonomiyaki.  
  
=======================  
  
Ukyo looked around with the rest of the Furinkan students. "Where did he go?"  
  
Mihoshi shrugged. "Maybe he teleported away to avoid the publicity," she said simply. "Wouldn't you?"  
  
Ukyo nodded slightly. "Hmm."  
  
The Principal appeared in front of the crowd. "Ahl righ' kids, its backta lessons now! You got fiv' minutes, den it's buzz cuts an' bawl cuts!"  
  
Groaning and muttering among themselves, the students made their way back to their respective classes. Ukyo thought to herself as she walked. *Magical Guy Makoto... he seemed familiar somehow. And why did that Morganan person want me and Akane dead?*  
  
"Hello Ucchan."  
  
She whipped around and brought the spatula crashing down onto Ryoga's head. "You JERK!"  
  
"Ow!!" Ryoga looked at her in surprise. "What was that for?"  
  
"For making me worry!" she fumed.  
  
"I didn't even know you cared."  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"Hey!" He glared at her. "And what was _that_ for?"  
  
"For being a jerk."  
  
"A jerk? I didn't do anything!" he protested.  
  
Ukyo growled and grabbed him by the arm. "Never mind. Let's go."  
  
"Go where?" Ryoga asked, confused.  
  
Ukyo resisted the urge to hit him with her spatula again. "Back to lessons, you jackass. School isn't over, you know."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga-chan yawned for the fifth time in the past minute. Skuld glanced at her in mild concern. "Why don't you go to sleep for a while?"  
  
"I'm working," she responded, trying to locate whoever it was she was supposed to be delivering the particular order to.  
  
"So ask Ukyo for a little time off. I hear you haven't had much sleep lately." She picked up her calculator and tapped out a few equations. "Nightmares."  
  
Ryoga-chan yawned again. "That's _why_ I'm in no hurry to go to sleep."  
  
Skuld pushed her glasses onto her forehead. "I think I know why you're having nightmares - and I can try to stop them if you like."  
  
The expression on Ryoga-chan's face was rather like that of a recovering alcoholic who's just been told they _can_ drink after all. "What?!! Really?!! Would you do that?!"  
  
Skuld shrugged. "Of course. Magical Guy Makoto can't fight demons on three hours sleep a night."  
  
"Hmph. So why the nightmares?"  
  
Skuld grinned. "Deliver that and I'll explain." After a few minutes she reappeared. "These Amityville demons have been playing games in your sleep, which is why you've been having bad dreams."  
  
"Sure, we have plenty of those," Ryoga-chan said loudly, glancing at Ukyo. She lowered his voice. "So what can you do about it then?"  
  
"Being demons, they probably very much dislike good luck charms. Place a few lucky charms around your room before you go to sleep. And if that doesn't work, I'll perform an exorcism or something. You'd better get back to work now, Ukyo's getting suspicious." Skuld waved her away and continued her calculations.  
  
It was a relatively quiet evening at Ucchan's - guys were eyeing up Ryoga- chan, their girlfriends were tipping their soda's over their heads (Ukyo didn't care - the soda's were always paid for), Ranma and Akane were quietly arguing, Maika and Miyu were scaring poor Akai and Mihoshi flitted from their table to the table where Ayeka, Ryoko, Sasami, Washu and Tenchi were seated, after hearing glowing recommendations about the place. Even the arrival of Shampoo was non-eventful - she didn't attack Mihoshi, Mihoshi didn't attack her, Mousse hadn't followed her and no property damage was incurred. It was all very peaceful  
  
"Mihoshi, tell us about Magical Guy Makoto," Miyu began.  
  
Maika nodded. "Another defender against evil. What is he like?"  
  
Mihoshi giggled. "Didn't you see the news? He's very dashing."  
  
"Dashing?"  
  
Mihoshi nodded. "Dashing, like a old English Earth Lord. And very handsome."  
  
Miyu thought for a second. "Like Tuxedo Mask?"  
  
"Oh, nothing like Tuxedo Mask!" Mihoshi cried. "He knows real magic! And," she leaned forward. "His outfit is a totally different colour."  
  
Ryoko decided to join in the conversation. "Magical Guy Makoto must be really strong to be able to defeat that Morganan guy." She sighed. "Pity. I wanted to teach him a lesson."  
  
Washu tapped her 'daughter' on the shoulder. "Ryoko, you shouldn't try to fight when you know you can't win." She looked thoughtful. "I wonder who he is? He looked a little familiar..."  
  
Sasami laughed nervously. "Y-you guys..."  
  
*BOOM*  
  
"TENDO, KUONJI, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!!!!" roared a voice. "MY NAME IS OMEGA AND YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!"  
  
"Not again..." Ukyo groaned.  
  
Skuld jumped to her feet and grabbed Ryoga-chan by the arm. "It's another one! Change quick!"  
  
Customers left rapidly via the windows, except for a minor few. Ryoga-chan turned to run.  
  
"Eek! Ryoga, I'm scared!" Mihoshi wailed, grabbing her by the waist. "Save me!"  
  
Ryoga-chan squirmed desperately. "Mihoshi, let me go!!" she growled, seeing the demon prepare to attack. Skuld groaned in mortification.  
  
"I, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy cannot let you do this!" shouted a voice. Magical Girl Pretty Sammy appeared in the doorway.  
  
Mihoshi let go of Ryoga-chan is surprise, who took the opportunity to run. Meanwhile, Omega started to laugh. "So, Pretty Sammy, what are you going to do?"  
  
Pretty Sammy waved her wand. "The Demon Blast!!!"  
  
There was a short silence as the attack hit Omega, then fizzled out of existence. Pretty Sammy blinked. "Uh... you're not one my fights, are you?" she asked weakly.  
  
"No, one of mine." Ryoga-chan stepped forward. "Thanks for the help, Pretty Sammy, but I'll take over now."  
  
Magical Girl Pretty Sammy blinked. "W-who are you?"  
  
Ryoga-chan struck a pose. "I'm Magical Guy Makoto's sister, Magical Girl Ryoko!"  
  
Omega studied Ryoga-chan carefully. "His sister? Then you must die too!!!"  
  
He threw an energy bolt at Ryoga-chan, who dodged easily and jumped over the counter to grab a kettle. "I don't want to fight as a girl," she muttered to herself, stumbling in the high heels. *Good thing Ukyo ran too!*  
  
The moment this thought crossed his mind was also the point that Ukyo realised she had no idea where Ryoga was. She turned to Ayeka. "Ayeka, do you know where Ryoga is?"  
  
Ayeka looked at her blankly. "I thought he was with you."  
  
Ukyo groaned. "I'd better go back for him."  
  
Ayeka looked worried. "Are you sure? With that creature there?" She grabbed Ukyo by the am. "Surely he would've found his way out."  
  
"Are you kidding? That idiot couldn't find his way out of a paper bag." Ukyo marched back in the direction of her restaurant. "Besides, I'm not letting that thing trash my place any longer." She threw the door open. "All right, Omega, I've had..." She blinked. "Magical Guy Makoto?"  
  
Ryoga and Omega spun to face her. "Ucc-Ukyo?" Ryoga stuttered. "What are you doing here?"  
  
Mini-Skuld groaned and quickly concealed herself. The fact that she was muttering "Oh shit shit shit!" did nothing to make Ryoga feel better.  
  
Omega grinned an evil grin, the kind of grin that is usually worn by corny evil bad guys in action comics and royal viziers. (Probably in the job description. Do you have an evil grin and a mental problem? Yes? Then you can be my most trusted advisor.) It's usually directly before the mad laughter (think Jinnai) and the speech where the bad guy outlines all his plans then gets a bit snotty when our heroes use the time to get rescued instead of listening in awe. Sorry, have I gone off the subject again? Omega grinned an evil grin and laughed. "Why, my dear miss Kuonji! Prepare to meet your doom!"  
  
Ryoga grabbed Ukyo, pulling her out of the blast, and retaliated with his own attack. "Wait! What's all this about?!"  
  
Omega laughed. "This isn't Last Action Hero, you know!" He paused. "Although, if you insist, I have to kill Miss Kuonji here and Miss Tendo because they love Ranma Saotome." He raised his hands. "Now get lost Makoto and let me finish the bitch!"  
  
*Not Last Action Hero, yet you still explain why,* Ryoga thought to himself, dodging another attack and desperately shielding Ukyo too. *If it were, this would be the point where back up arrives...*  
  
"VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!!!"  
  
Omega grabbed the chain from Sailor Venus and yanked it out of her grip. "You dumb blonde!"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!!!" she roared, running forward.  
  
"Get rid of Ukyo," the concealed Mini-Skuld whispered in Ryoga's ear. With a nod, he flung the kicking brunette over his shoulder and carried her out of the restaurant.  
  
"Put me down! I have to find Ryoga!" Ukyo yelled, trying to squirm free. *This guy is _strong!*  
  
"Ryoga?!!" Ryoga placed Ukyo on the floor and looked at her. "Are you worried about him then?" Ukyo nodded silently. Ryoga digested this piece of information thoughtfully. *She's worried about me? Me?* He grinned nervously at Ukyo. "Well, I-I'm sure he's OK. But stay here where it's safe." He ran back to Ucchan's, where Sailor Venus was remarkably shocked to discover that her Venus Love and Beauty Shock wasn't working against Omega.  
  
"Uh ... Bunny?" Sailor Mercury cautioned.  
  
Sailor Moon pulled off her Tiara. "MOON TIARA MAGIC!!!"  
  
"This isn't one of ours either."  
  
The tiara flew forward, slicing off half of Sailor Moon's pigtail and bounced off Omega. "Mu-my HAIR!!!!!" she wailed, bursting into floods of tears.  
  
Ryoga gulped nervously. "What chance do _I_ have against a creature that the Sailor Senshi can't hurt?!" he whispered to Mini-Skuld.  
  
Mini-Skuld patted his shoulder. "Don't worry. Your attacks are stronger than theirs and you've got a goddess helping you."  
  
Ryoga nodded grimly and pushed past Sailor Venus, who was trying to calm down Sailor Moon. Sailor Mars looked like she was getting the beginnings of a migraine. "LIGHTNING STRIKE HYPER STAR BOOST!!!!"  
  
With a howl that clearly stated his displeasure on being wiped out of existence, Omega was ... uh... wiped out of existence. When the general public realized the threat of painful things happening was over, they began to reappear (just to say that they'd been there, like people always do). Japan's little congregation of superheroes immediately fled, although Ryoga would dearly have loved to pull Sailor V's goggles off and see if he could recognise her and had to be forcibly yelled at by the still-concealed Mini- Skuld. Hiding sown a back alley, he gave a small sigh and lifted the wand. "P.."  
  
"Ahahah! Wait!" Mini-Skuld squawked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were wearing girl clothes when you powered up, that's what you'll be wearing when you power down. And trust me," Mini-Skuld narrowed her eyes a little. "Magical Girl Ryoko is a _totally_ different size."  
  
~~~~~  
  
End Part VI  
  
Final song - Holding Out For A Hero  
  
==================  
  
PART VII  
  
While you were sleeping.  
  
==================  
  
"Lucky rabbits foot, lucky horseshoe, lucky four leafed clover, lucky dwarf statue, lucky arrow... Skuld, are you _sure_ this will work?" Ryoga asked doubtfully.  
  
Skuld laughed. "Of course! They work on Mara, they should work on Amityville demons." She patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. Just get a good nights sleep."  
  
Ryoga nodded. "Well, if I wake up screaming in the night, I'm going to make sure I wake up you too," he joked. Skuld pretended not to notice the slight apprehensive edge to his voice.  
  
"Now, go to sleep and stop worrying, OK?"  
  
"OK." Ryoga yawned and pulled the blanket over himself. "G'night."  
  
Ukyo glanced up at Skuld as she walked into the sitting room. "Is he all right?"  
  
Skuld nodded. "He'll be fine. Don't worry about him so much."  
  
"Me? Oh, I'm not worried at all," Ukyo replied quickly. Too quickly.  
  
Skuld sighed. *Urd, your mad matchmaking skills would have a field day here...*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Up in heaven, Luck scowled. "How dare he use _MY_ charms to keep away demons?!!" Turning, he picked up a small book and flicked through it. "Surely there's a country where those are for bad luck..."  
  
Fate reached over and plucked the book from his grasp. "Stop fiddling with his life."  
  
Destiny nodded. "He's never done anything to you, has he?"  
  
"No, but his father really irks me." Luck sighed. Then grinned. "What a pity good luck charms really irritate some demons, eh?"  
  
"You're not a very nice person sometimes, are you?" Destiny sighed and walked away. "Give the guy a break!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo wasn't sure what woke her up. Maybe it was the sound of quiet footsteps, or the click of a door closing. Or maybe it was just women's intuition. Whatever it was, one moment she was fast asleep, the next she was wide awake. She sat up quietly, and listened.  
  
She almost jumped out of her skin when Skuld sat up with a sudden jerk. "Skuld! Wha...?" she began, giggling nervously.  
  
Skuld held up a hand. "Ssh. I can feel them."  
  
"Feel who?" Ukyo whispered.  
  
The dark-haired goddess rose slowly to her feet. "Amityville. I guess they _really_ didn't like my good luck charms." She waved to Ukyo. "Follow me.  
  
Ukyo silently followed Skuld as she tiptoed down the stairs. After a few moments, she asked "I thought you said that the good luck charms would stop the demons."  
  
Skuld shook her head grimly. "I thought they would. But Amityville demons are a stubborn bunch and I think we just majorly pissed them off." *I was so sure those charms would work... Amityville must have a stronger hold over him than I first thought.*  
  
"So what will they do to Ryoga?"  
  
"Probably something a lot less nice than nightmares," came the un- reassuring answer. Skuld pushed the kitchen door open slowly.  
  
Moonlight slanted through the window and into the room, glancing off the sharp blade of the carving knife Ryoga was holding. Orange candlelight mixed with the silver moonlight, reflecting sinister patterns onto the walls. Eyes closed, Ryoga chanted softly under his breath, holding the knife up to his cheek. "The blood of my ancestors shall mix with the blood of Amityville," he whispered quietly. In the night silence though, the sound carried over to Ukyo and Skuld. Skuld covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes widening slightly.  
  
"What is he doing?" Ukyo whispered, trying not to let Skuld see how scared she was.  
  
*He's still asleep...* Skuld realised suddenly. *He doesn't even know he's doing this...* She turned sharply. "No matter what, no sudden noises! He's sleepwalking and the shock could be very dangerous."  
  
Ukyo nodded. She'd seen plenty of horror films to know that you should never wake up a sleepwalking person with a knife.  
  
Oblivious to the two girls, Ryoga continued. "My soul shall join the other realm though my body will remain here and serve the darkness for my crimes against them." Eyes still closed, he raised the knife high.  
  
"With this sacrifice, heaven and hell shall become one, united in blood and controlled by the dark forces of Amityville."  
  
The blade whistled through the air.  
  
"No!" Forgetting her own advice, Skuld ran forward. *I can't reach him in time.. I'll have to use an energy ball.* The energy ball left Skuld's hands and knocked the knife out of Ryoga's grasp, where it thudded into the wall behind him. The room grew eerily silent. And dark. The candle flames flickered and died out and outside, the moon went behind a cloud. A thick, cloying smell, like flowers, filled the room.  
  
Ryoga turned to face her, eyes now open but still asleep. Without a word, he raised a hand and pointed at her. Instantly, every single drawer flew open with a crash. Ukyo gave a squeal of horror and grabbed the young goddesses arm. "Skuld, _do_ something! Stop him, quickly!"  
  
Knives of all shapes and sizes rose into the air and flew towards Skuld. Without even flinching, she closed her eyes and muttered a quick spell. The knives changed direction and thudded into the ceiling. "Let him go," she said coldly, opening her eyes and stepping forward. "I, Skuld, goddess of the future, command you."  
  
The candles flickered back into life, casting an orange glow over the room. Ryoga smiled that evil little smile at Skuld. "You, a second class goddess, would command me, Morticus?" he whispered, in a voice unlike his own. "You make me laugh." The candle flames increased in intensity.  
  
"Barrier up!" Skuld cried, a split second before the knives fell out of the ceiling and flew towards her, blade first. Ukyo gave a small cry of fear and clung to Skuld. "Release him!" Skuld repeated.  
  
"Never!" Pointing both hands at Skuld, he released a lightning spell, which crashed into the barrier with a bright flash of light. "He's mine!"  
  
Skuld flung the spell away. "He is a free being. If you won't let him go, I'll have to force you to." She began to recite a spell under her breath.  
  
The spell reeled into Ryoga, who stumbled backwards slightly. "Clever little white witch," he muttered, in a condescending tone. "Any more little party favours to show me?" Lights began to flicker in the palm of his hand. "Like this one?" Ukyo and Skuld screamed as the room exploded around them. Windows and lightbulbs fragmenting into a spectacular crystalline rainfall. Pretty, but dangerous. All the crockery flew out of the cupboards and smashed against the walls, and the candles placed so strategically around the room, all exploded into colourful little wax wipe-outs. A hurricane wind whipped through the room, scattering everything in its path. "How do you like it, bitch?!" Ryoga screamed above the gale. "How's that for a fucking magic show? Want some more?!!"  
  
"Ryoga!!" Ukyo screamed. She didn't understand what was going on, but a part of her wanted to believe that he could still hear her. That demons hadn't gotten into him and he was still her friend. Aiko's death was still bothering him and he'd just lost it for a moment, but they'd go back to the hospital in the morning and everything would be fine, they'd work this through because he was still her friend, Ryoga...  
  
"My name is Morticus! Ryoga is just the idiot I'm using!" He glowered at Ukyo. "Why, are you worried about him? Lonely little unloved Ryoga?" Electrical appliances began to spontaneously combust and Ukyo screamed again. Ryoga laughed. "He doesn't need your pity or your sympathy or your guilt or your affection... and definitely not your love." Each adjective (are they adjectives or verbs? I really can't remember.) was punctuated by another explosion. "And he'll never need YOU!!!"  
  
Skuld began another spell. *Forgive me for this Ryoga, but it's the only way to get Morticus out of you. I hope you'll understand...*  
  
"Why are you doing this to him?!!" Ukyo began to sob hysterically. "Give me back Ryoga..."  
  
Ryoga punched the wall. "WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!!!!" He grabbed her by the collar. "You had your chance, and you threw it away. Do you know how bad he felt when you spent four hours on the phone to your dad, pleading - no, begging - that he let you marry Ranma?" He leaned dangerously close to her. "Four, fucking hours of you whining and snivelling and putting him down..."  
  
"I-I'm su-su-sorry..." Ukyo gulped out.  
  
Ryoga laughed. "You're sorry? YOU'RE SORRY?!!!" Floor tiles began to protest at being left out of the general fun, and exploded in a ring around them. "God, if I was as pathetic as you, I would have killed myself long ago," Ryoga sneered. "No wonder Ranma didn't fight to get you back - at least Akane is cute!"  
  
"Mrrow."  
  
Ryoga whipped around and dropped Ukyo on the floor. "A-Aiko?" he gasped in shock.  
  
Ukyo scuttled backwards to where Skuld was standing. "A ghost?" she whispered curiously. Skuld shook her head.  
  
Ryoga fell heavily to his knees and carefully picked up the little kitten. Aiko snuggled down into his arms, purring loudly. With a choked sob, he buried his face in her fur. "A- Aiko... I-I'm s-s-su-sorry..."  
  
Skuld stood up. "Morticus, I cast you out of Ryoga's body and back into the darkness."  
  
Ryoga jerked his head up. "What?!!"  
  
"I cast you out of his body and into the darkness," Skuld repeated.  
  
Ryoga looked at the kitten in his arms. She looked at him, then vanished. "No.."  
  
"I cast you out of his body and into the darkness..."  
  
A white aura surrounded him. "No.. you tricked me.." Ryoga cried.  
  
"I cast you out of his body and into the darkness," Skuld finished. With a howl of anger, Morticus retreated. Leaving only Ryoga, who fell to the ground. Amazingly, still asleep. Skuld smiled. "How's that for a party trick then?"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo looked at the clock. Would there be any point in going back to bed? She decided there wouldn't - she'd never be able to sleep now, not now, no. The only person asleep at Ucchan's tonight, was Ryoga. The person who'd gotten her so worked up in the first place. *Jackass. How come _he_ gets to stay asleep and we don't?* With a small sigh, she cradled his head in her lap. "Skuld?"  
  
The goddess paused in the middle of her restless pacing up and down the kitchen - not that it could be distinguished as a kitchen any more, it was too much like a bomb site for that right now. "Yes?"  
  
Ukyo looked at Ryoga again. He looked so ... peaceful, and happier, somehow. Maybe getting rid of the demon had done that - maybe the demon was the reason he'd always looked so unhappy before! *Now there's a thought!* "Will he remember any of this? In the morning, I mean?" she asked, not looking at Skuld as she asked the question.  
  
Skuld shrugged. "I hope not." She looked a bit guilty. "After all, the kitten spell was a bit below the belt. If he remembers that, I'm not going to be in the top ten of nice people in his book."  
  
Ukyo nodded in understanding and looked down at him again. "But how do we explain this ... mess to him? After all, he's bound to ask."  
  
Skuld groaned. "We wait until poor old Skuld feels a bit more rested and makes a spell to tidy all this up."  
  
Ukyo nodded again. She idly played around with Ryoga's hair, not even realising she was doing so. "So how did that Morticus thing get into him?" she asked finally, the question that had been bothering her for ages.  
  
Skuld shrugged. "I guess it got into him when Aiko got killed. The guilt made it easy to manipulate his dreams. Then the lucky charms tonight made him really mad - mad enough to kill Ryoga." She sighed. "Lucky I was able to drive Morticus out of Ryoga when I did." She cursed softly to herself. "I really should've seen the darkness tainting his aura - but I figured that was just where he was upset." The goddess allowed herself to smile a little. "But at least he's all right now."  
  
Ukyo paused for a second before daring to ask the next question. "W-will that be the end of it now? No more nightmares or ...anything? And ... and no other demons can get into his mind now, can they?" She looked at Skuld with a hopeful expression on her face. Because Ryoga looked so happy now, it would be horrible if something like this could happen to make him unhappy again. And he looked even cuter when he was happy... *No!* Ukyo forced that little line of thought out of her mind. *I am a concerned friend, not his fiancee.. oh.*  
  
Skuld looked around at the devastation. "The reason the demons are here is, indirectly, because of Ranma Saotome. They haven't finished what they came for." She bowed her head. "If they're still around, if Ryoga goes into another guilt-grief mood - which he may well do - then there is still the possibility that another demon could possess him." She looked at the damage in the dawn light. "And to be brutally honest, I'm not sure I could do that again."  
  
End Part VII  
  
Final song - Hell Is Living Without You  
  
===========  
  
PART IIX  
  
Mirror, Mirror.  
  
===========  
  
"Skuld, is there some other way to travel other than through bathtubs?" Ryoga asked curiously.  
  
Skuld sniggered. "Hey, it makes for interesting scenarios, right?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Interesting," Ryoga said sarcastically. *Am I ever glad it was a guy in that tub and not a girl.* At present, he was running late for school and had begged Skuld to teleport him there. She managed to drop them both in some poor guys bathtub a block from school, but he had to run the rest of the way. At least she was making sure he made it there. Ukyo had already left, leaving a cryptic little note saying 'you were actually sleeping for once and I didn't want to wake you.' Sure, it was very nice of her, but now he was late. Which meant he'd be hauling buckets in the hallways again. Still... "There's no other way of getting around?"  
  
Skuld shook her head. "For me, no. My sister Urd travels through TV sets and Belldandy travels through mirrors."  
  
Ryoga stopped running for a second. "But Ukyo knows you travel through hot water. And Magical Guy Makoto has travelled through hot water too. What happens if somebody makes the connection?"  
  
Skuld stopped too. "You're right! I never thought about that!" She began to circle him slowly.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Hmm?" Skuld shrugged. "Well, you're part god. Maybe you have your own travel technique. Let's see now..." She pointed a glowing finger to his forehead.  
  
"What? Do I?"  
  
Skuld nodded. "Basically, it's the same as Belldandy's. Mirrors. I'll teach you how to use it when we get to school." She grinned. "After all, that's what school is for!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ho hum. God, school could be soooo boring... Ryoga shook his head and tried to focus on the lesson. English.  
  
"The pen of my Aunt is green," the teacher intoned.  
  
"The pen of my Aunt is green," the rest of the class replied.  
  
*And the Uncle of my Aunt is purple with green stripes. Bo-ring.* Ryoga tuned out for a second. This mirror hopping technique Skuld had taught him was almost ... useful. Amazing. Just hop into a mirror, think of something that indicates your destination and hey presto! There he was. He could go anywhere and be back home in seconds, via the mirror. It was great! Direction didn't matter!  
  
"Hibiki, are you paying attention?" The teacher glared at him.  
  
"No Sensei." After all, honesty is the best policy. "I thought I'd try to figure out some of the science formulas we were taught this morning, I was having a little difficulty with them," Ryoga explained - in perfect English.  
  
The teacher blinked a few times. "Aah... well... hehe... never mind then..." He shook his head and slowly returned to the front of the classroom.  
  
With a small yawn, Ryoga tuned out of Reality FM and began daydreaming again. *I wonder why I'm in such a good mood today.... must be because I actually slept a whole night without having any nightmares...*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoko zapped Happosai outside the changing rooms. "What a pain. Is that old man _always_ out there?"  
  
Akane nodded. "He's disgusting.  
  
Ukyo nodded in agreement. "I hope he goes and bothers the boys now."  
  
Ayeka blinked. "Why would he bother the boys?"  
  
Akane and Ukyo exchanged a glance. "You'll see."  
  
Ryoko grinned. "But that means Tenchi is in danger!" She jumped to her feet. "Tenchi my love! I'll save you!" she cried, running out of the room, closely followed by Ayeka.  
  
Akane massaged her temples. "Mihoshi, are those two _always_ like that?" she asked weakly.  
  
On the boys side, things were taking a bit more destructive path than on the girls side as a furious and dripping wet Ryoga-chan chased Ranma around the room. "Damn you Ranma! Why d'you go and splash me anyway?!" she snarled.  
  
Ranma laughed and jumped out of the way of flying fists. "Because you look so cute when you're mad, l'il Ryoga-chan."  
  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" Not for the first time, Ryoga-chan cursed her short arms and legs with a vengeance. She couldn't reach Ranma to wipe that dratted smug look from his face.  
  
"Calm down, little girl," Ranma taunted. "It's not ladylike to yell."  
  
*WHAM*  
  
Ryoga-chan grinned. Her female form was small - but it sure was a hell of a lot faster than her male form. "Take that, jerk-off." Grabbing Ranma by the collar, she tossed him into the showers and turned the cold water on.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma-chan shook wet hair out of her eyes. "You are dead, bitch!"  
  
"Ranma-chan! Ryoga-chan! Sweeto!"  
  
With twin screams of disgust, Ranma-chan and Ryoga chan punted Happosai through the roof. "Ugh. He really creeps me out," Ryoga-chan said with a shudder.  
  
Ranma-chan used the opportunity to throw Ryoga-chan across the room, where she crashed heavily into Tenchi. "Sorry!"  
  
Tenchi groaned. "No... ouch... problem...."  
  
"Tenchi darling!!!"  
  
Tenchi's eyes widened in shock and he reached up to shove Ryoga-chan off of him. "Get off me!"  
  
Ryoko burst into the men's changing room, followed by Ayeka. "I'll save you from...."  
  
She stopped. Ayeka slammed into her back, stepped backwards and checked to see what had made Ryoko stop. She gasped in shock.  
  
Ryoga-chan and Tenchi jumped to their feet. "Ayeka, Ryoko, it's not what it seems..." Tenchi began.  
  
Ryoko transformed into her full battle armour. "Shut up Tenchi," she snarled.  
  
Tenchi gulped nervously. "Ryoko, listen..."  
  
Ryoko pointed her sword at Ryoga-chan. "DIE!!"  
  
Ranma-chan proceeded to watch, with no small amusement, as Ryoga-chan easily evaded every single blow Ryoko sent her way, whilst trying to explain who she was at the same time. "Damn you girl! Why don't you fight back!" Ryoko yelled, swinging at Ryoga-chan.  
  
"I don't fight girls."  
  
"And what the hell are you, then?!!"  
  
"I'm a guy!!"  
  
"Oh, yeah." Ryoko laughed. "Suuuure you are!!!"  
  
Ayeka, possessing a little more self control than her comrade, walked over to Tenchi. "Tenchi, who is that girl Ryoko is fighting with?"  
  
Tenchi buried his head in his hands. "Ryoga."  
  
Ayeka blinked a few times, then realisation dawned. "Oh, I see! I remember Mihoshi saying something about this..."  
  
She watched Ryoko chase Ryoga-chan around the shower area, Ryoga-chan giving each shower a bash as she passed to turn them on. "Damn it! Why does hot water never flow in these things?!!" she cried in frustration.  
  
"Should we intervene?" Ayeka asked.  
  
Ranma-chan shook her head. "Nah. I wanna see how he gets out of this one."  
  
Two things happened whilst Ranma-chan was saying this. One, Ryoko got increasingly frustrated and redoubled her efforts. Two, Ryoga-chan, in pursuit of hot water, failed to spot the bar of soap some untidy person had left on the floor and a well known law know as Sods Law (or butter-side- down) sprung into play. That is to say, Ryoga-chan stepped on the previously mentioned bar of soap and suddenly found herself splat on her back. (Yes, I did intend to say splat on her back.) Probably just bad luck again. She quickly rolled over to dodge another strike from Ryoko, one that came too close for her liking. *She's never going to listen to me in this form,* Ryoga-chan realised. *And the showers aren't working. Looks like I'm going to have to use my new mirror hopping technique to get some. I'll jump through the mirror, jump back out and if I do it fast enough, maybe people will think it was just an illusion.* With these thoughts, Ryoga-chan ran over to the mirror. She cast one look back into the room and glowered at Ranma-chan. "Stupid, narcissistic, pigtailed, nut!" she growled under her breath, before vanishing.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Vega hummed to himself as he shaved. He smirked at his reflection. "Hey, beautiful." A lot of people would call him vain, but not many did because that would mean instant death. So maybe he was obsessed with beauty. What was wrong with that? He _liked_ to be beautiful. That's why he wore a metal mask when he was fighting, so that his perfect and beautiful face would not be harmed. So when he took it off, women would swoon and beg him to take them. Only the beautiful ones would do though. He admired his reflection. Perfect teeth, perfect eyes, perfect hair... except for that unsightly shadow he was shaving off at present. Vega splashed a bit of the warm water from the basin onto his face and raised the razor.  
  
*WHAM*  
  
*SPLASH*  
  
*CRACK*  
  
"Oops!" Ryoga spluttered, climbing out of the basin. *Well, at least the water was warm.* Even though most of it was now on the floor because the basin had kinda disintegrated when Ryoga's head hit it. He glanced around the small bathroom. *I know I hit someone... oh. That guy over there.* He gulped. The guy was bleeding pretty badly. Ryoga guessed it was either because he'd been shaving, or because he'd fallen against the glass shower curtain. Judging by the razor in his hand, it was probably a bit of both. *I'd better make sure he's OK.* So much for getting back to school before anyone noticed how he'd vanished. He walked over to Vega and offered a hand to him. "Hey, I'm sorry. Are you hurt?"  
  
Vega looked at Ryoga. He seemed to be tinted red, for some reason. *Waitasecond... red?* He jumped to his feet and ran over to the mirror, pushing past Ryoga. He looked at his reflection in horror. Blood clouded his vision, streaking his face from a cut which ran from his right temple and all the way down his cheek. He could tell instantly, that it would never heal fully. It would scar. It. Would. Scar. He'd... never be perfect again... "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Vega howled. He grabbed his mask and put it on his face. But now it wasn't a mask to hide the beautiful man. It was a mask to hide the ugly duckling. He whirled round to face Ryoga, eyes filled with hatred. "You did this to me," he snarled.  
  
*Ah. English.* Ryoga recognised English, anyway. "I'm very sorry. Would you like me to get a doctor?"  
  
Vega studied the guy in front of him. Sixteen, maybe seventeen years of age, wild, black hair held back with a yellow and black bandanna, dark green eyes, little fangs which were visible when he spoke. Muscular, but not too much, probably very strong, flowing movements, most likely a martial artist, and one who knew magic if his mirror entrance was anything to judge him by. The guy very likely had a girlfriend or fiancee because he was... beautiful. Vega knew beauty when he saw it, and he was seeing it now. This stranger had his whole life ahead of him. Pity, Vega reflected, that it would only be a few minutes at most. Because he had to die for destroying Vega's beauty. Vega picked up his metal claws.  
  
"Mister? Are you OK? Can you hear me?" Ryoga asked urgently. *Shit! The guys probably in shock or something!* He stepped forward. "I'm gonna phone an amb..."  
  
Vega swiped.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo whapped the turquoise-haired woman over the head. "Idiot!"  
  
Ryoko glared at her. "Come on! She was lying on top of Tenchi! What did you expect me to do?"  
  
"Do what any normal person would do and ask for an explanation! Not lay it into him!" Akane pretended she didn't hear that comment. Ukyo continued to rant at Ryoko. "So he just vanished into the mirror, that's it?!"  
  
"I told you, that's what happened," Ryoko grumbled. "Ask the others, they saw it too."  
  
Ukyo growled and muttered a curse. "This is just great! I let him out of my sight for ten minutes..." She stormed over to the mirror and began brushing her hair. *Idiot! Who knows what could happen to the stupid jackass?!*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga was losing the fight badly, and he knew it. *Dumb, crazy idiot!* he thought angrily to himself, dodging the deadly claws again, knowing just how much they hurt. The first swipe had totally torn up his right side and would probably need stitches. He had cuts raked across his face and as for his arms... they were a total mess from blocking. His vision was blurred around the edges and the pain was so bad he knew he'd pass out soon. Also, the guy had smashed the mirror, taking out his escape route. He needed to find another mirror and he needed to find one _now_. *I'm going to carry a mirror with me wherever I go - if I live through this... NO!* He batted the thought away and tried to focus, dodging the strikes, rather than trying to block against them. *R-A, R-C and R-D didn't save me to get killed by a guy who thinks he's Freddy Krueger!* He carefully worked his way around the building, looking for a mirror he could use.  
  
Vega was impressed. Not only was the guy still standing after some of his most powerful attacks, but he'd landed quite a few powerful blows on Vega in return. Still... "Killing blow!" He charged forwards.  
  
Ryoga dodged desperately, spun around and came face to face with  
  
Himself.  
  
A mirror.  
  
*Ucchan... help me...*  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ukyo sighed and adjusted her white bow. *Jerk. Making me worry about him. When I catch him, he's gonna be on the receiving end of one hell of a hissy fit!* Leaning forward, she checked to see the bow was straight.  
  
Her reflection rippled, then, without warning, Ryoga fell out of the mirror and heavily on top of her. They fell to the floor in a tangled heap. Ukyo furiously reached for her battle spatula. *How dare you come into the girls changing rooms, you PERVERT!* she fumed. "Ryoga, you..." She stopped. Something wasn't right here - Ryoga should be scrambling for his life right now, not just laying there...  
  
"U-Ucchan?"  
  
The small whisper cut into her thoughts. Ukyo sat up and took a good look at him. "Oh god!! Ryoga, what happened?!! Who did this to you?!!" she cried in horror.  
  
"I-it hurts..." Ryoga let the blackness swallow him up into welcome oblivion.  
  
End Part IIX  
  
Final song - The Man Behind The Mask 


	7. Chapter 2 Part 9

Disclaimer Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and used without permission, as are all other characters from whatever Manga/Anime they're from.  
  
You can find the rest of this story and others by Benji Delaski at http://lovesucks.topcities.com/  
  
  
  
PART IX  
  
Hospital Trust 2  
  
Patients at Doctor Tofu's looked nervously at each over, wondering if Kasumi had popped by to visit. Judging from the yells they could hear, it would probably be a good idea to come back later.  
  
"OWW!"  
  
"Keep still, you idiot!" Ukyo growled. "How am I supposed to do this if you keep wriggling like a fish on a hook?"  
  
Ryoga sighed and tried to keep still as Ukyo daubed antiseptic lotion on the cuts. Unfortunately, as any primary school kid will remind you, that stuff stings like hell. With a yelp of pain, Ryoga quickly moved his arm out of Ukyo's reach. She smacked him over the back of the head. "Keep still!"  
  
"It HURTS!"  
  
"If you kept still, it wouldn't hurt so much!" With more force than she needed, she grabbed his arm again and tried to clean up some of the cuts. Ryoga flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, but this time he didn't pull away. Ukyo smiled slightly. "Good boy."  
  
"I'm not six years old," he muttered.  
  
"Anyone would think you were with the fuss you're making," Ukyo retorted. Ryoga stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed. "Baby."  
  
"I am _NOT_ a baby!" he protested, trying to sit up.  
  
Ukyo placed a hand firmly on his chest and pushed him back. "Don't try to get up, you jackass. Your whole side is cut to ribbons."  
  
"What a lovely nurse you'd make," he said sarcastically. "So kind, so caring, so gentle... OW! THAT STINGS!!!!"  
  
"That just means it's working," Ukyo insisted.  
  
"It still hurts though," he replied through gritted teeth.  
  
"Wimp." She finished cleaning the slash marks on his chest and reached for the bottle of antiseptic. "I'll clean up your face now, OK?"  
  
"You are NOT putting that stuff on my face!" Ryoga reached up and snatched the bottle away.  
  
Ukyo made a grab for it and he tossed it from hand to hand, just out of her reach. "Come on, Ryoga! Give it back! I'm serious!"  
  
"Promise not to use it on my face?"  
  
Ukyo smiled a little. "I promise. But you're a wimp."  
  
"I am not." Ryoga scowled at her. "I just don't like pain."  
  
Ukyo relented and used warm water instead. "You know, you haven't actually told me what happened to you yet," she said casually.  
  
There was a few moments of silence as Ryoga considered how on earth he was supposed to begin. "Well... Skuld taught me this mirror trick where you think of something that indicates your destination, then you end up there."  
  
"Useful trick. Does that mean you'll be attending school more often?" she teased. "So, carry on."  
  
"I was ...fighting Ranma... ow!"  
  
"Serves you right. How many times have I told you not to pick on Ranchan?!" Ukyo scowled.  
  
Ryoga glared at her. "He started it. He splashed me with cold water. Anyway, he threw me across the room and I landed on Tenchi."  
  
Ukyo snapped her fingers. "Yes, Ryoko was telling me about that. And you vanished through the mirror. So where did you end up?"  
  
"Well....I wanted to get some hot water so she'd understand and stop waving that glowing sword around. But just as I was leaving, I caught sight of Ranma out of the corner of my eye, and um.." Ryoga stopped. "Before I say the next bit, you promise you won't hit me again?"  
  
Ukyo narrowed her eyes. "What did you think about Ranma?" she asked suspiciously.  
  
"Do you promise?"  
  
"OK. I promise I will not hit you."  
  
"I thought something like 'vain, pigtailed idiot..."  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"OW!" Ryoga glared at her. "You promised!"  
  
"I promised _I_ wouldn't hit you." She grinned. "And I didn't. The spatula did."  
  
"Hmph." Ryoga crossed his arms. "You have no bedside manner, do you know that?"  
  
"Oh, don't be such a baby. Tell me where you ended up."  
  
"Some weirdo's bathroom. I must have knocked his arm while he was shaving or something and he cut his face. When I offered to get an ambulance or a doctor or something, he grabbed these metal claw things and slashed my side. OW! DON'T POKE IT, YOU IDIOT!"  
  
Ukyo grinned a little. "Wimp. But that's gonna need stitches. So's your arm, probably. I assume that's from blocking this claw thing, right?"  
  
Ryoga nodded. "I bet I could've beaten him if he hadn't taken me by surprise."  
  
"Suuuuure you could," Ukyo nodded. "Whatever you say."  
  
"I could!!"  
  
There were a few moments of silence, before Ukyo piped up. "You said this mirror trick worked by thinking of something which indicated your destination, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"What were you thinking of when you came out of the mirror in the girls changing rooms?"  
  
"Nothing," Ryoga said quickly, blushing a little.  
  
"Liar. You just said you need to think of something that indicates your destination." Ukyo grinned as she outlined the logic. "So, what were you thinking of?"  
  
Ryoga turned a bit pinker. "I don't have to tell you."  
  
"Come on, tell me, you pervert!"  
  
"I'm not a pervert!"  
  
"You ended up in the girls changing rooms! Of course you're a pervert!"  
  
Ryoga scowled. "I'm _not_ a pervert. You just happened to be in the girls changing rooms..."  
  
"So you were thinking of me?" Ukyo was surprised to say the least.  
  
Ryoga blushed. "Y-you? W-why would I be thinking of a violent, cross- dressing, tomboy like you?" he stammered nervously.  
  
*CLANG*  
  
"OWW!"  
  
"JERK!!!"  
  
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*  
  
Doctor Tofu poked his head around the door. "Ukyo, it's not really proper to beat patients unconscious with a spatula. I have anaesthetic for that."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Down in the deepest bowels of hell (no, seriously!), Satan was glaring at a few of his employees. "So, explain yourselves."  
  
Omega glared at Morganan. "You first."  
  
Morganan sighed. "Magical guy Makoto. He blasted me before I could even blink."  
  
"Ha! You're just useless, that's all," Omega snarled. "At least I put up a fight!"  
  
"He got you too! With the same attack and all!" They both turned to Morticus. "So how did you get defeated?"  
  
Morticus glared at them. "I had Hibiki right where I wanted him. I was weakening him so the job could get done. But that bitch he lives with kept sealing me out each night after I'd played around a little. Then that little white witch turned up and started teaching him how to use his magic, then she goes and sticks a load of lucky charms around him."  
  
"Didn't know lucky charms could have any effect on you," Omega said nonchalantly.  
  
Morticus glared at him. "They don't, normally. But I decided I'd get rid of him - you know he's that Magical Guy, don't you?"  
  
"Of course we know!" Morganan snapped.  
  
Morticus continued. "Then that nasty little white witch and the Kuonji bitch woke up and chucked me out."  
  
"You got cast out by a second class goddess?!"" Morganan and Omega laughed.  
  
Morticus fumed. "It's not my fault! She cast a spell using the memory of that little cat we killed, and his mind took over!"  
  
"You're just incompetent," Omega sneered.  
  
Satan stepped forward before they could leap at each other's throats. "OK. So Hibiki's gotten stronger than we expected. Send a message to Jodie, tell him to take the Kuno chicks soul and wait a while before making his move. Let Percicus and Merdith wear him down, but wait a few days until he lets his guard down, you got that?"  
  
The other three demons nodded and left the room. Satan sat down in his throne and continued to focus flames on the snowball in front of him, which still refused to melt.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ryoga cast Ukyo the evilest look he felt he safely could, wincing at the pain in his head. *Violent tomboy,* he thought moodily, shifting the ice pack a little. *She didn't have to hit me so much! Well, _she_ can apologise to _me_ this time. And I'm not talking to her until she admits she was wrong!*  
  
Ukyo pointedly ignored Ryoga and attempted to straighten out the dents in her spatula. *Jackass! How dare he call me a tomboy?! Well, I'm not saying _one_ word to him unless he apologises.*  
  
Ryoga glanced around the room in search of a mirror. He wasn't one for vanity, but he wanted to see how badly he was cut up. There wasn't one in sight. *Damn.* He sighed. So much for not talking to Ukyo. "Hey, Uk-YO?" he asked, emphasising the fact that he wasn't calling her Ucchan at the moment.  
  
Ukyo picked up a piece of paper, scribbled on it for a moment, then held it up for him to read. [I am not talking to you, you insensitive jerk.]  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "Suits me. I have a bad enough headache already without having to listen to you whinge at me..." he said in an accusing tone.  
  
*CLANG*  
  
Ryoga grabbed the business end of the spatula and yanked it out of Ukyo's grip. "Would you quit hitting me whenever you get pissed off, you uncute, tomboy, maniac!!" he snapped angrily, tossing it across the room. "Jeez! I only wanted to ask if you knew where there was a mirror!"  
  
Ukyo marched across the room, picked up her spatula and immediately whacked him over the head with it again. "Don't call me an uncute tomboy maniac, you pervert!"  
  
"I'm NOT a pervert. And I thought you weren't talking to me," Ryoga reminded her.  
  
[I'm NOT talking to you. Pervert. And go get your own mirror.] Ukyo poked her tongue out at him.  
  
"Fine." Ryoga stood up and moved towards the door.  
  
Ukyo jumped up and stood in his path. "Where d'you think you're going?!!"  
  
"To get a mirror!" Ryoga crossed his arms. "And you spoke."  
  
Ukyo gritted her teeth and resisted the urge to hit him again. "You shouldn't be wandering around in your condition," she pointed out.  
  
"You told me to get my own mirror."  
  
"If you apologise, I'll get one for you." Ukyo felt that was a very generous offer on her behalf.  
  
Ryoga thought otherwise. "Apologise? What for?"  
  
"For calling me a violent tomboy!"  
  
"I was only saying the truth. And you should apologise to me."  
  
"What for?!!" Ukyo began to glow with anger. Then, to her immense amazement, Ryoga started to laugh. "What?!! What the hell are you laughing at?!!"  
  
"You. You're funny when you're mad," he sniggered.  
  
Ukyo fixed him with her best Anything Goes You're Walking On Thin Ice glare. "Shut up, lie down and I won't hit you," she growled.  
  
"I'm not an invalid. I can get my own mirror," Ryoga replied, irritated by her attitude. "Stop mothering me!!" At that moment, nausea caught up with him and he stumbled a little, feeling sick.  
  
"Ryoga? Are you all right?!" Ukyo changed her glare to the Anything Goes Look Of The Concerned Fiancee and moved forward to catch him if he fainted or something. "Lie down and I'll go get Doctor Tofu..."  
  
"No! I'm fine!" Ryoga pushed her away. The glare reasserted itself on her face and her grip on the spatula tensed.  
  
Ryoga laughed. "And here's the big spatula, the answer to the worlds problems. Just bash Ryoga with the spatula to make it all better." The laugh stopped as quickly as it had started and Ryoga cast Ukyo a venomous look. "Well fine then. Hit me with the damn thing. If that's what you really want, go ahead." He sat down on the edge of the hospital bed and closed his eyes. *If only that _would_ make it all better...* He clenched his fists. *This is going to hurt.* He waited for the familiar whooshing sound of a giant spatula making course for the top of his head.  
  
Ukyo's immediate intent was to knock the stupid jackass for six. Then she rewound the words back through her head and changed her mind. Instead, she picked up a mirror and tossed it to him. "Catch."  
  
Ryoga opened his eyes and caught the mirror before it could bounce off his head. Examining his reflection, he decided it wasn't too bad. Five parallel scratches ran down his right cheek and just along the jawbone. Sure, he looked like a lawn mower had run over him, but it could be worse. *Who am I kidding? I look like I've had a fight with a blender.*  
  
"Hey, Ryoga?"  
  
Ryoga looked up. "Yes?"  
  
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG *CLANG*  
  
Ukyo allowed herself a small smile as Ryoga toppled over, unconscious. It always seemed to be more satisfying to whack him unexpectedly.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Again?" Miyu looked at her blond friend who was currently pulling at her arm with little effect. "He's in hospital again?"  
  
Mihoshi nodded. "Please come with me to visit him," she pleaded for the ... eighteenth time? No, nineteenth, Miyu counted. "I'm so worried he might.. he might..." Mihoshi's eyes filled with tears and she burst into wails that would make Soun proud. Miyu gave a yelp of pain as her air supply was cut off by Mihoshi's mega grip around her neck. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I'M SO WORRIED!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"M-Mi-hahhh-oshi..... I-I c-caaan't breath..." Miyu eventually managed to gasp. Mihoshi stopped wailing long enough to hear her, and released her grip. Miyu eventually managed to get her breath back long enough to pant out "Fine. We'll visit him with you..." then Mihoshi reattached herself to her neck.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! YOU'RE SO KIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Maika sniggered. "Maybe being squished will help you lose weight, Miyu." Miyu threw her a glare as her face started to match her hair colour.  
  
~~~~~  
  
It was amazing how many people could fit in a room, Ukyo realised, looking at Shampoo, Ranma, Akane, Maika, Miyu, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Ayeka, ( she guessed Tenchi would show up too!) and Skuld, who'd been rather annoyed when Ukyo explained what had happened to him, muttering something under her breath about secrets. Presently, Ryoko was annoyed at Ukyo after she'd explained that she'd whacked Ryoga out cold. Ukyo marvelled slightly at the reversal in role. Earlier, she'd been ticking Ryoko off. Now, the turquoise-haired woman was yelling at her. "So you bashed him with this spatula for calling you names?!!"  
  
Ukyo wondered why she bothered. "Yes, I hit him for calling me names," she said for the thousandth time, through gritted teeth. What was wrong with that? He'd asked for, after all.  
  
Ryoko thought otherwise. "How could you?!! I'd never hit Tenchi if he came to me, all hurt! It'd serve you right if he went to Mihoshi next time! How could you hit the man you love?!!!"  
  
"Waitasecond!!" Ukyo jumped to her feet. "What do you mean, the man I love?!! Me, love that jackass?!!"  
  
Ryoko looked surprised. "Well, you two are engaged, aren't you?"  
  
"Yeah, not by choice!!!" *Well, that's not entirely true....* Ukyo waved that little line of thought away.  
  
Ryoko looked puzzled. "So why not break it off? If you don't love the guy, you shouldn't be engaged to him."  
  
Ukyo was saved from having to answer by Ryoga waking up. "I hate that spatula..." he grumbled.  
  
*GLOMP*  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" A yellow- haired bundle attached itself to Ryoga. "I THOUGH YOU WERE DEEEEEAAAAAAD!!!"  
  
"So so controlled, our little Mihoshi," Maika observed. She reached over and plucked the girl away before Ryoga could suffocate.  
  
Shampoo immediately bopped Mihoshi with a bonbori. "Bubble-head bad girl. No hug Airen."  
  
Mousse snarled. "Hibiki, prepare to die," he growled, wielding a handful of knives.  
  
Ryoga sighed. "You know, Mousse, that approach is out dated, overused and quite frankly, doesn't scare me a bit. Try again."  
  
Mousse scratched his head. "Uh... today is the day you shall meet your doom?"  
  
"BBB. Boring, bland and banal."  
  
"Depart, travesty?"  
  
"Nope." Ryoga shook his head.  
  
Mousse thought a little longer before a grin appeared on his face. "Got it! Be gone evil one!!!"  
  
Ryoga cast him a dubious look. "That's for vampires, you moron!"  
  
"I know, but I thought that maybe with those fangs.."  
  
"I AM _NOT_ A VAMPIRE!!!!"  
  
Mousse fumed. "Don't yell at me, you gender-dyslexic, cross-dressing, pathetic, spineless excuse for a martial artist, you idiotic waste of a one- night stand, or I'll garrotte you with cheese-wire - and don't think I'm talking about your neck!!!"  
  
Ryoga blinked a few times. "Oh-kay. That was much better."  
  
Shampoo stomped up behind Mousse and hit him over the head with a bonbori. "You stupid! No talk to Ryoga like that!"  
  
Rubbing his head, Mousse looked around for someone to vent his frustration on. "HIBIKI, HOW DARE YOU ENSLAVE MY BELOVED SHAMPack!!!!"  
  
*KAPOW*  
  
Shampoo glared at the Mousse-shaped hole in the ceiling with a look of venom, the kind of look anyone of the female sex gives Happosai on any given day. "Why too too stupid Mousse never get message?" Her angry looked vanished and she pointed to the television. "Look! Magic Guy on television!"  
  
Attention immediately switched to the television, which was showing videotaped footage of the fight at Furinkan.  
  
Skuld leaned over and whispered to Ryoga, "we have _got_ to find a way to stop that Nabiki girl from filming you all the time!"  
  
"I wonder who he is.." Miyu said aloud curiously. New super heroes in Tokyo made things very confusing for the ones already present.  
  
Ryoko shrugged. "Who knows. It's amazing how these people do that." She poked the screen. "I mean, just look at Sailor Moon there. With a hairstyle like that, you'd think _someone_ would work out who she is."  
  
"He sort of looks like Ryoga," Mihoshi said casually.  
  
Skuld choked on a mouthful of orange juice. "He looks _nothing_ like Ryoga!" she managed to splutter out.  
  
Ayeka shook her head. "I think Mihoshi's right. They do look similar."  
  
Ranma laughed. "Except there's no way Ryoga could be a super hero!"  
  
"And just why not?" Ryoga asked angrily, all thoughts of denial flying from his mind.  
  
"Well, why would anyone want someone like you as a super hero when they could have me?"  
  
"Stay calm!" Skuld whispered urgently. "You don't wanna give anything away, do you?"  
  
Ryoga glared at Ranma and crossed his arms. "I'll let that one slide."  
  
Ukyo giggled. "Can't take the truth?" she teased.  
  
"And what's that supposed to mean?!" Ryoga snarled.  
  
Ukyo fixed him with a withering gaze. "It means, Magical Guy Makoto is charming, handsome and sophisticated. Look in the mirror."  
  
Ryoga bit back an angry remark. Skuld quickly changed the subject before anyone could make the connection. "I'm starved. When's dinner round this place?"  
  
Shampoo brought forth a delivery box. "Shampoo make dinner for Airen!"  
  
Mihoshi, television forgotten, jumped to her feet. "Oh! So did I!" She beamed at Ryoga. "I remembered how much you hated hospital food."  
  
Ryoga was beginning to look flustered at all the attention. "I um, well, I ... thanks..."  
  
"Bubblehead get lost! Ryoga eat Shampoo food!"  
  
"I am not a bubblehead! And Ryoga can eat whoever's food he wants!!" The blond girl avoided Shampoos attacks, while trying not to let the meal she'd prepared end up on the floor. (Hey, she's a Galaxy Police detective! Don't underestimate her because of her blind luck!)  
  
"Uh... you two..." Ryoga began. He gave up saying anything more, realising- the peace pleas were falling upon deaf ears.  
  
Ryoko sniggered. "My, my. I never thought I'd see Mihoshi act like that!"  
  
Ayeka nodded. "It reminds me of something..."  
  
Tenchi walked in and gave them a wave. "Hel..."  
  
"Tenchi!! I made you some cookies!! Try them!!"  
  
"No way! Tenchi's gonna eat my cookies!!!"  
  
Tenchi groaned. Ranma dodged a kick of Mihoshi's and made his way over to Ryoga. "Jeez Ryoga, you could open a Dojo in here!" he joked. "So how are you?"  
  
"Been better. I'd be out of here already if ..." Ryoga trailed off and glared at Ukyo out of the corner of his eye.  
  
Ukyo glared back and stuck her tongue out. "Jackass. It's your own fault anyway."  
  
Akane looked at her friend curiously. "What's going on here?"  
  
Ranma looked back and forth at Ryoga and Ukyo. Ucchan, his pal, was mad at Ryoga. So that must mean... Ryoga had done something to Ucchan! He stepped forward and tipped a glass of water over Ryoga's head.  
  
"HEY?!!!!!" Ryoga-chan spluttered, stabbing Ranma with her eyes. "What the HELL did you do that for?!!"  
  
"What did you do to Ucchan?!!" Ranma yelled.  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked in confusion. "I didn't do anything to her!!"  
  
"Yeah right!!" Ranma grabbed Ryoga-chan by the scruff of the neck and threw her across the room.  
  
Now, as has been previously stated, Ryoga-chan was far more petite in her female form and her trousers often wound up around her ankles. While this wasn't a problem when she'd been lying down, as she flew through the air, gravity started to take effect. Feeling her trousers slip, Ryoga-chan make a grab for the waistband, ignoring the amounting chaos around her. She didn't notice Shampoo's bonbori until it slammed into her very bruised and cut up side. With a yell of pain, she collapsed on the floor, blood beginning to seep through her yellow shirt. The various fights around the room halted abruptly. Ryoga-chan climbed unsteadily to her feet then fell back down to her knees and concentrated on trying to ignore the pain. "Raaaaaaaama..."  
  
Before she could say anything more, a large mallet introduced itself to Ranma's skull, with a resounding *WHAM*.  
  
Akane glared at her fiancee, twitching on the floor. "JERK!!!" She looked at Ryoga-chan in concern. "Are you OK? I'll go fetch Doctor Tofu."  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded slightly, managing to stumble to her feet. "Thanks."  
  
*GLOMP*  
  
"Shampoo sorry! Forgive Shampoo!"  
  
With another wail of pain, Ryoga-chan collapsed again, blood flowing more freely. Doctor Tofu ran into the room and quickly assessed the situation. Ryoko and Ayeka were squabbling, Mihoshi was screaming at Shampoo, who was screaming back and Ukyo was arguing with Skuld. Ryoga-chan looked as though she wanted to cry. He decided how to get rid of everybody, in the fastest way possible. He took a deep breath. "RIGHT! EVERYBODY, OUT NOW!!! THERE ARE SICK PEOPLE IN THIS HOSPITAL, AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING THEM!!!!!" he roared, pulling a Soun Tendo demon head complete with fangs, glowing eyes and snake tongue. The room was cleared in milliseconds.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ranma glanced sideways at Shampoo for the sixth time in two minutes. She was still holding the ramen delivery box, he noted. Turning his head to the other side, he sneaked a peek at Akane. She'd offered to cook dinner tonight, and (shock horror!!!!!!) Kasumi had agreed. Ranma was still trying to decide whether it was safer in the long run to tell Akane he'd rather eat his own intestines and face her mega-smasher of a mallet, or to eat her food when it stopped trying to molest him. Sometimes Akane's cooking could be more affectionate than Shampoo used to be. He glanced at Shampoo again. Maybe she still liked him... a little. If so, he could use his charm to wheedle the ramen into his possession. Then he'd at least of eaten something he was certain wasn't related to him.  
  
Ukyo flipped through another magazine before tossing it aside. *Honestly! Where do they buy these things?!!!* she wondered, tossing aside 'Morris Dancers Monthly' in search of something - _anything_ that wouldn't turn her brain into potato salad. The magazine selection in the waiting room however, was pathetically ... pathetic. Even though there was only her, Skuld, Ranma, Akane and Shampoo left here, there was still nothing worth reading. With a sigh of resignation, she gave up and glared at the floor. Her mind instantly began to focus on important subjects like *Hospital magazines suck, *I'm hungry - as soon as Doctor Tofu finishes with Ryoga, I'm going home for dinner, *I wonder if the demon that possessed Ryoga has some connection to the ones that attacked me and Akane* and *I hope the weirdo who did that to Ryoga doesn't turn up to try and kill him or something like that...*  
  
"You OK, Ukyo?" Akane asked.  
  
Ukyo looked up, startled out of her thoughts. "Y-yeah... I mean, why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"I just thought you might be worried about Ryoga," Akane replied.  
  
"Worried? About that jackass?" Much to her embarrassment, Ukyo felt her face redden. "I'm not worried about him! That idiot can take care of himself!"  
  
Akane smiled and put her arm around her friend. "He'll be fine."  
  
"I'm NOT worried!" Ukyo insisted, ignoring Skuld's little giggle. She stood up abruptly. "I'm going to get some candy. Wanna come with me?" she asked Akane. *Chocolate. That's the answer.*  
  
Akane nodded. "Yeah. I could use something sickeningly sweet too."  
  
The moment they were out of sight, Ranma turned to Shampoo. He wondered how to start. "Uh... hey... Shampoo?" *Oh, well _that's_ a great start!! NOT!*  
  
Shampoo turned and smiled at him. "Yes Ranma?"  
  
Well, she was smiling. That was good. Ranma felt a bit more confident. "Hey, I'm sorry you're not my fiancee any more, but we're still friends, right?"  
  
"Of course! Shampoo and Ranma such good friends!" Shampoo decided to play along. *Him up to something, Shampoo know!*  
  
Feeling his stomach rumble, Ranma continued. "Hey, you never got round to giving Ryoga that ramen, did you?" he asked casually, pretending to change the subject. *Just a little more, and that ramen's mine!!* (Insert maniacal laughter into Ranma's imagination here.)  
  
Shampoo grinned a little grin, clicking to what Ranma was trying to pull. *Ranma think just because Shampoo not speak good Japanese, that make her stupid! Well, Shampoo play your game little longer...* She shook her head, feigning ignorance. "No. Bubble-head girl interfere, now ramen go to waste."  
  
"Seeing as we're friends and all, I'd hate to see your ramen go to waste." Ranma gave her a smile, the one she used to adore. "I'd be glad to take it off your hands."  
  
Shampoo stood up. "I so happy! Shampoo give Ranma ramen, yes?" She took the bowl out of the delivery box and held it up. "You want?" Ranma nodded eagerly, drooling at the mouth. With a saccharine sweet smile, Shampoo tipped it over his head. "Enjoy."  
  
Skuld cackled with laughter, almost falling off the regulation plastic hospital chair that people are somehow expected to be comfortable sitting on. (These are also the same chairs used in schools. And teachers wonder why their pupils are too uncomfortable to concentrate on their schoolwork?) Shampoo grinned in victory and poked Ranma on the nose. "Take that, too too overconfident womaniser. Shampoo not stupid, you waste of fathers cum."  
  
Looking at the amazed and completely sunned look on Ranma's face, Skuld _did_ fall off the chair. Ranma, for once, was at a total loss of words as Shampoo stalked past him, nose in the air. "You tell Ryoga what happen, yes?" she asked Skuld.  
  
Skuld nodded, tears running down her face, not trusting herself to speak. Shampoo grinned and walked out. Ranma stared after her in shock. *W-w-when did she learn to say _that_ in Japanese?!!!* After a moment's thought, he growled, "Ryoga, this is all your fault!!"  
  
Ukyo and Akane chose that moment to reappear with their chocolate. Akane blinked. "I'm not even going to ask."  
  
Ranma glowered and began to plan his revenge. That moment, a familiar figure entered. "Oh my. Ranma, what happened?"  
  
"Hello Kasumi." Ranma smiled that evil little smile usually reserved for men twiddling little black moustaches.  
  
"Doctor Tofu's just through there."  
  
"Why, thank you Ranma," Kasumi said, smiling sweetly and pushing the door open before anyone could stop her.  
  
"K-Kasumi! Wahahaha!! ... W-w-what b-brings you h-here?"  
  
*SNAP*CRACK*POP*KRIK*  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
End Part IX  
  
Final song - No Surprises 


	8. Chapter 2 Parts 10 to 15

PART X  
  
Deja-vu -  
  
Reflections don't always speak the truth.  
  
===============================  
  
BRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG  
  
WHAM  
  
Nothing quite like the snooze button Ryoga decided, giving the remains of his alarm clock a quick glance before attempting to catch sleep again. Before he could succeed, Ukyo poked her head through the door and threw a pillow at him. "Wake up!"  
  
"I was asleep," he grumbled, batting the pillow away and closing his eyes.  
  
"That was then and this is now and you've got work to do!" Ukyo open the curtains, flooding the room with sunlight. Giving up, Ryoga stretched, then regretted it as every muscle in his body screamed their protest by putting him in pain. OW! I am never going anywhere near Doctor Tofu again! He winced a little and sat up slowly, trying to hide the pain from Ukyo. She pretended not to notice. "Put some clothes on while I make breakfast, OK, sugar?"  
  
Entering her kitchen, Ukyo was hit by inspiration. Instead of making the usual okonomiyaki, she could make him something special to show how relieved she was that he was all right. That sounds good! Let's see now... She reached for a cook book.  
  
A few minuets later, Ryoga appeared. "What are you cooking?" he asked curiously. "It doesn't smell like okonomiyaki."  
  
"Miso soup, nori, natto and tsukemono," Ukyo explained, pointing to each as she named them.  
  
Ryoga looked surprised. "You're not cooking okonomiyaki?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Okonomiyaki Ukyo is cooking something other than okonomiyaki?" Ryoga didn't notice the battle aura flare up as he wandered around the kitchen. "That's incredible."  
  
Ukyo reached for her battle spatula. "What's so incredible about it?!" she growled.  
  
Ryoga still didn't notice the darkening mood. "I didn't think you could cook anything other than okonomiyaki." He looked thoughtful. "I hope it's edible."  
  
That was it. Ukyo swung. "JERK!!!!!!"  
  
He finally located the source of the blue glow. "Uh oh."  
  
CLANG  
  
Women Ryoga decided, are the bane of my existence. Finally, it all made sense. Women were the reason things went wrong in his life. Sailing through the air, he decided to work out the reasons to pass the time until he landed. Firstly, there was the fact that he'd be born. Partly his mothers fault. He chuckled a little. So it was a very sexist reason, but it was a reason. Well, this is a fun game. What else?  
  
Then, there was the bread feud. If he'd gone to a mixed school, the lunch time riots would not be present, because all the boys would be trying to impress the girls. Ranma wouldn't have constantly stolen his bread and the fight would never had been made. A distinct lack of women was the problem there.  
  
What was next? Umm.... he was incredibly shy around them. That was defiantly a disadvantage as far as he was concerned. As soon as girls started to be cute to him, he passed out. And if they showed off any skin, he needed a blood transfusion!  
  
Four, Ranma. Or to be more precise, Ranma's girl half. How many times had Ranma played games with his heart by transforming into a girl and donning a disguise? Too many to count.  
  
Let's see ... other problems because of girls? Akane. That was obvious. He couldn't hurt Ranma because that would hurt her. Major disadvantage on his part. No matter how much he wanted - no, needed revenge against Ranma, a little part of his mind (armed with a large mallet and toxic food) would hold him back. Even now he still found himself holding back for her.  
  
Ranma's ex-fiancees. Shampoo wasn't so bad - she was actually quite nice. But there was the Mousse problem. It was infinitely irritating to walk down the street, only to be met by the sound of "Hibiki! Prepare to di..." Hang on a sec. Ryoga frowned to himself. That actually seemed a little familiar to him... Oh well. He shrugged the thought away. It's not important. Now, where was I?  
  
Hmm.... And Ucchan. No matter what he said or what he did, he still ended up being smashed over the head or punted though the roof. Like now... he thought, narrowly missing a bird that had flitted into his flight path. Ucchan seemed to alternate half the time between being glad to be rid of him (by smacking him through the roof...) and not letting him step outside. He had no idea where he was with her. Did she want him to stay there or not? If she did, why did she always hit him? And if she didn't, why did she ...umm .... hit him? So what if they were engaged? If that was what being engaged was about, he wanted out before he ended up like Ranma.  
  
Didn't Ranma often spend his mornings flying through the air too? Oh well.  
  
Yep, women of the world were plotting against him, trying to sap his moral and spirit. OBVIOUSLY that was why he was now cursed to turn into a girl. Idly he wondered which goddess he'd ticked off in a past life. So he could grovel and get his life back to a vague sort of normal.  
  
A flash of green hair caught his eye, and he turned to see a girl flying next to him. After a second look he quickly pinched his nose and turned away, blushing a little.  
  
"Hi. My name's Lum." Lum smiled at him. "Have you seen a brown haired boy chasing a girl in red armour and chains?" she asked hopefully.  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "Sorry, but no."  
  
Lum sighed. "What are you doing up here, anyway?" Flying people were a rarity, and she wanted to be prepared if more people were going to try and drag Darling away from her.  
  
"My fiancee swatted me through the roof." The trajectory was changing. Maybe if he was lucky, he land on someone's roof. Then it'd be simple to find a mirror and teleport home. He was still suffering from a mixture of Vega and Tofu inflicted pain and he felt he deserved a day of rest and relaxation. Well, he could dream, couldn't he?  
  
"Why?" Lum was curious now. She'd seen Ranma a few times, but another guy with a violent fiancee?  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "How the hell should I know? She got mad at me when I said she couldn't cook anything other than okonomiyaki."  
  
"You're mean!!!" Lum decided Japanese men were a total waste of space. "You're just as bad as Darling!!" She grabbed him by the arm.  
  
"Hey, wha...?"  
  
ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZ AKZAKZAK  
  
"OWOWOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Lum disappeared in search of Ataru and Benten, glaring at the charbroiled bandannaed boy. "Serves you right, being mean to your fiancee!!!"  
  
Girls hate me. Ryoga looked down. Water loomed up.  
  
SPLASH  
  
Ryoga-chan crawled out of the river and wrung out her bandanna. Her trousers had sunk immediately and were lost in the depths of the water. Luckily, her shirt fell to her knees. She hoped she wouldn't get splashed with any hot water until after she'd managed to acquire some trousers That Would Fit. This is so unfair! How come Ranma never loses his clothes?! Ryoga-chan sighed. The day could not get much worse. Girls really hate me.  
  
"What a fashion disaster!!"  
  
"You'll never get a date dressed like that!"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked up at the girls in front of her. "Uh... what...?"  
  
The girls exchanged glances. "Don't worry. We're the Kolkhoz high fashion club," one of them said, stepping forward. "We're going to have to fix up your outfit, honey."  
  
Ryoga-chan began to back away. "N-nu-no thanks, I'll just... is that the time?"  
  
"GRAB HER, GIRLS!!!!"  
  
"Saotome secret technique!!" Ryoga-chan yelled. She ran. The ludicrously huge mass of girls set chase after her. And I hate girls.  
  
"Ukyo! I love you!"  
  
Ukyo fumed and released some of her pent up anger on the vending machine that was trying to hit on her. She bashed it with her spatula several times, before kicking it through the front door. "Tsubasa, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY RESTAURANT!!!!!"  
  
Outside, the vending machine sprouted arms, legs and a head and wobbled down the street. Ouch. She's getting a lot more violent. A nasty thought struck Tsubasa. M- maybe Ukyo really doesn't want to date with me!!! After considering that for a few seconds, he tossed the idea aside and went in search of his 'turn left' disguise.  
  
Ryoga-chan hummed a little as she went in pursuit of a mirror. She been ambushed and overwhelmed by the girls - it was incredible how many girls were devoted to fashion - and subjected to horrors far worse than she could ever tell.  
  
She'd been given a makeover.  
  
Mascara, lipstick, foundation, blusher, eyeshadow and worst of all, eyeliner. She'd had her eyelashes curled, her fingernails painted and her eyebrows plucked. Somehow, they'd even managed to cover up the slash marks on her face. She'd always thought girls had makeovers to relax and make themselves pretty.  
  
Now she knew the truth - it was to toughen themselves up in case they were ever made prisoners of war. How could it hurt so much to have somebody just comb her hair?  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed, but continued to hum. After all, she'd made it out alive. With clothes that fit. They'd even let her keep her bandanna. So maybe she could've done without the bra... and the panties... and the stockings and suspenders... so maybe the little skirt was very short. And the little denim sleeveless tie-top shirt was too ... girly. But it all fitted, a sensation she'd never found in this form so far. Clothes that really fitted.  
  
But the moment she found a mirror she was getting changed.  
  
Maybe in future, it'd make sense to carry round a spare outfit, one of the one's R-C had left behind. Ryoga-chan smiled a sad little smile as she thought about her 'brothers' and 'sister'. Then she remembered Skuld mentioning a sister. I'll have to ask her about it. A little sister... I wonder what she's like? Maybe it would be nice to have a little sister to care for.... Ryoga-chan shook her head quickly. No. It was too soon. She still missed Aiko.  
  
Glancing to one side, she noticed a furniture store. Mirrored cabinets... home, here I come!!  
  
Elsewhere in Tokyo, things were just as hectic in that little corner of insanity known to the locals as the Tendo Dojo.  
  
"RANMA, YOU GET BACK HERE AND EAT THE BREAKFAST I MADE!!!!"  
  
"Growf."  
  
"A-Akane? I was just, ya know, going into town..."  
  
"SWEETO!!!!"  
  
"GETAWAYFROMMEYOUFREAKOFNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
KAPOW  
  
"Eat breakfast before you go!"  
  
"I wanna get there alive!!"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! MY BABY GIRL AND HER FIANCE ARE FIGHTING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Akane! Pigtailed girl! My two fair beloved's! I would date..."  
  
WHACKPOW  
  
"Oh my."  
  
The bathroom was empty, much to Ryoga-chan's relief. She looked at her reflection. The make-up had to go.  
  
After vigorous scrubbing, her face was finally make-up free. Now for the clothes. The skirt and shirt were no problem. However, being confronted with the task of having to remove female undergarments for the first time, Ryoga-chan was at a loss. She glared at her reflection, trying to figure out how the hell to undo the bra. "I know there's a hook somewhere..." she growled, turning around and looking over her shoulder. "How the hell am I supposed to reach it though?"  
  
She jumped around as the door slid open. "Hi, I thought you'd come back...." Ukyo began. She stopped talking and rubbed her eyes, then looked again. Still not able to believe it, Ukyo's mind went through a checklist.  
  
Ryoga.  
  
Check.  
  
In girl form.  
  
Check.  
  
Wearing stockings, suspenders, bra and panties.  
  
Check.  
  
And posing in front of the mirror.  
  
Check.  
  
Her face turned a very interesting colour and she advanced on her fiance. "YOU...."  
  
Ryoga-chan began to back away quickly. "Ucchan, please, hear me out..."  
  
"PERVERT!!!!" She swung with the spatula.  
  
Ryoga-chan dodged somehow, and continued babbling. "It's not what it looks like, really!" Stop making excuses and run!  
  
"KEEP STILL AND LET ME KILL YOU!!!!" The spatula swung in deadly arcs, but failed to make a connection. Ukyo cursed. His smaller and faster female side was just TOO good at dodging. OK, time to change tactics, Ukyo decided. She lowered the spatula. "I'm sorry."  
  
Ryoga-chan stopped and blinked. "Huh?"  
  
WHOCKPOWCLANNNNNNNNNG  
  
Ukyo glared at the hole in the roof. Urg! What a pervert!! I can't believe I was worried about him!!!  
  
And Ryoga-chan found herself hurtling through the sky again.  
  
Ranma-chan dragged herself out of the pond and glared at her panda parent. "You. Are. Dead!!!"  
  
Akane watched from the porch as Ranma-chan and Genma exchanged blow after blow, Ranma-chan even holding off Happosai at various intervals as the lecherous old man made constant grabs for her chest. The second this is over, he's eating the breakfast I cooked for him, whether I have to force feed him or not!  
  
The end came sooner than she expected when a small girl fell out of the sky, her head connecting with Ranma-chan's. They both fell into the pond with a loud SPLASH.  
  
Ryoga-chan (Yup! It was her!) groaned and rubbed her head. "Ouchie... what did I land on?" She looked around, the pain in her head making the aches and pains in the rest of her body seem like nothing. She frowned. Actually, apart from her headache, everywhere else stopped hurting. That was ...strange...  
  
"Ryoga?"  
  
She looked around, startled. "A-Akane!" Just my luck! she thought bitterly. She's going to think I'm the biggest pervert in the history of the universe! "I-I..."  
  
Another person sat up next to her, spitting out water. "Ow ow ow ow ouch! I hurt all over..."  
  
"Ryoga, are you all right?" Akane knelt down by the pond.  
  
"I'm fine..."  
  
The next thing Akane did was to be scarred into her memory for all eternity. She whipped out her large mallet and whacked Ryoga-chan over the head with it. Hard. Ryoga-chan found herself with her nose embedded in the concrete. "Ow!" She looked at Akane, puzzled and hurt. "What did you do that for?!!"  
  
"Butt out Ranma. I wasn't talking to you!"  
  
A nasty feeling of dread flooded through her veins and she turned around to look at Ranma-chan. A Ranma-chan wearing a bandanna, a look of horror and not much else. She looked down at herself.  
  
Red Chinese shirt  
  
Black pants  
  
And hanging over her shoulder was a red pigtail.  
  
There was a few seconds of silence as the two gender-malfunctioned martial artists gazed at each other, doing very convincing goldfish acts. (Y'know? Opening and shutting their mouths with a gormless look on their faces?) Ryoga-chan was torn between pulling a Soun Tendo major A weepy or a Kodachi/ Jinnai patent loonylaugh. Before she could decide, a small figure glomped onto Ranma-chan's bra-clad chest. "SWEETO!!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GETOFFMEEEEE!!!!!!!" She threw him through the air and grabbed hold of Ryoga-chan by the hand. "We need to talk," she whispered through gritted teeth, dragging her into the Dojo, to the bathroom.  
  
Nabiki chuckled and patted her camera. "Well Ryoga my friend, these pictures will certainly help pay off a little more of your debt to Daddy." Now all she had to do was try and find out exactly why Ryoga was wearing nothing but lingerie.  
  
"Why am I wearing this?!!!" Ranma-chan snarled, looking at her reflection. Except it wasn't her face looking out at her, it was Ryoga-chan's. She ripped off the scanty underwear and jumped into the hot water.  
  
Ryoga-chan sat down in the water next to him. "Kolkhoz high fashion club."  
  
Ranma grimaced. "Say no more." Amazing what a strong grip a woman in pursuit of high fashion was capable of. Then he frowned. "Scratch that. Why do I look like you? And why do you look like me?" He winced a little as pain flooded through his body. "You couldn't wait until you were feeling better before taking over my body? It hurts all over!"  
  
Ryoga glared at him. It was very strange, to turn to someone and see them wearing your face. However, the experience with R-C, R-D and R-A had make it a little easier for him than for Ranma. "You act like I've done this on purpose!" He looked thoughtful. "Maybe it was where I landed on your head." He smirked. "Maybe you should go and get Ukyo to whack you through the air back here."  
  
"ME?!! Get real, I'm in enough pain as it is." Ranma winced again. "I feel like I've been put through a mangle."  
  
"Well that's because of your friendly little joke involving Doc Tofu and Kasumi yesterday," Ryoga growled. "How does it feel to know how much pain that lovesick idiot inflicted on me because of you?"  
  
Ranma looked guilty. "I-I'm sorry... ouch..." He rubbed his back. Or Ryoga's back. Well, it was Ryoga's back but now it was his. Man, this was confusing. He stood up and wrapped a towel around himself. "I can't take this. Keep still, I'm going to knock our heads together. If that doesn't work, maybe Doctor Tofu can help." He rolled his shoulders painfully. I am never going to wish Kasumi love pain on anyone ever again!  
  
Ryoga nodded and waited. A little nagging thought started poking for attention. Uh... Ryoga, I don't wanna disturb you or anything, but don't you love Akane?  
  
Umm.... yes? Why?  
  
Ranma got ready to charge.  
  
Who's Akane engaged to?  
  
"Ranma.  
  
Ranma ran forward, head lowered to meet Ryoga's.  
  
Uh... who's body are you currently wearing?  
  
Ra... oh. OH! Ryoga moved to the side and Ranma found himself headbutting ceramic tiles.  
  
"OW!" He glared at Ryoga, who was sporting a big grin. "Whatcha do that for, you lughead?!!"  
  
"I'm engaged to Akane." The grin grew wider. "I'M engaged to AKANE!!!"  
  
Ranma's eyes widened. "Uh... Ryoga?"  
  
Ryoga jumped out of the bath and pulled on Ranma's clothes. "Have fun Ranma! Don't make Ucchan too mad at you!"  
  
Ranma watched him, incredulous as he stalked out of the room. Then he grinned. He'd soon find out that Akane was no bed of roses. And this body, damaged as it was, would let him get free meals from his two ex-fiancees. "Ucchan, Shampoo, edible food... here I come!!!"  
  
End Part X  
  
Final song - Just The Way You Are  
  
====================  
  
PART XI  
  
More than just a pretty face.  
  
====================  
  
"Hey, Akane?" Ryoga turned a corner in search of her.  
  
KAPOW  
  
"Ouch." Embedded in the ground, he reached up and felt the outline of a mallet. Found her. Oh well, at least it didn't hurt as much as being clanged over the head with a giant metal spatula.  
  
WHAM  
  
"JERK!!!"  
  
Well maybe it did. Ranma's body wasn't as tough as his own was. He sat up slowly and rubbed the back of his head. "Please don't do that," he pleaded.  
  
Akane's eyes widened in surprise. Her calling Ranma a jerk was usually followed by him calling her an uncute tomboy, then her grinding him into the floor or sending across town via airmail. She looked at him closely ... he looked OK physically... Well, breakfast was getting colder by the minute. She grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the kitchen. "Come on you. I made you breakfast."  
  
This was followed by complete silence. Not good. Not good at all. Ranma made a point of ALWAYS criticizing her cooking. Him not criticizing her cooking was like Nabiki not charging for information or Kasumi getting angry. "Ranma, do you feel well?" she asked, turning to look at him.  
  
Ryoga looked down to where she was holding his hand. He wouldn't have cared if she force fed him everything she'd ever 'cooked' as long as she kept holding his hand.  
  
"Ranma?" Akane was worried now. Ryoga still didn't respond. She waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Ranma?" Well, Akane knew one way to wake him up. She picked up a plate and lifted a spoonful of the blue-green yellow-flecked substance she was fooled into believing was food and popped it into his mouth.  
  
Ryoga changed his mind as he was forced to swallow whatever the stuff was. Definitely not one of her better attempts, he noted, eyes watering. He felt even worse than he had in his own body!! "W-wa-water..." he gasped, groping frantically for the table. The next thing he knew, it had slammed him in the back of the head.  
  
Ranma hummed to himself as he wandered in search of Ucchan's okonomiyaki. Luckily, he still had his own sense of direction, even though he was wearing the lost boy's body. He made a note of his plans for the day. 1, get food from Ucchan. 2, get food from Shampoo. 3, muck up that idiot Ryoga's life by flirting outrageously with every girl he could find and 4, get his own body back and leave Ryoga to face an angry Ucchan and Shampoo. That sounded good to him. Who knows what Ryoga was doing with his own body?  
  
A little part of his mind paged him for attention, then whispered how nice it would be if Ryoga could just decrease the level of hostility Akane usually used against him. After all, that would definitely be what Ryoga was trying to do if he was going to be engaged to the girl of his dreams. Then when he got his own body back... then maybe... just maybe they could make things work out. He hated to admit it, but if he was going to be stuck with just one violent fiancee, Akane was probably the one he would've chosen  
  
However, if Ryoga made Akane more friendly towards him, then shouldn't he be helping Ryoga? Besides, what if they couldn't get their own bodies back? He'd be stuck in this body forever! Time for plan 2. Numbers 3 and 4 are revised to 3, decrease the level of hostility Ucchan has started using against Ryoga and 4, get his own body back. Then him and Akane would be happy because they weren't fighting, and Ryoga and Ukyo would be happy because they weren't fighting. Ranma had often wondered lately why his two best friends didn't stop fighting each other and admit there was an attraction there. Ah well. Ranma could always charm Ukyo. Then Ryoga would have a happy fiancee when he got back, and hopefully, so would he. Everything would be settled.  
  
"HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
  
Ranma dodged the eggs flying his way and landed on a brick wall. Of course, there would always be good old Mousse to fight every now and then. He smirked arrogantly. He was still Ranma Saotome. And Ranma Saotome never loses.  
  
"Ow... ow...ow..." Ryoga marked each step down the hall with a small 'ow' of pain. Akane had smashed him over the head with a table. And he hadn't done anything to deserve it! Sure, he knew she could be short tempered sometimes, and a leeeeeetal over- reactive.... maybe Ranma didn't always start the fights. If I wanted to be smashed over the head, I'd go back to Ucchan's! he grumbled inwardly. Akane was usually so nice to him! Well, I guess I'd better go do something Ranma never does. And one thing he knew she wished Ranma would do - was apologize. "Ow... ow...ow..."  
  
Finally he was standing outside Akane's room, looking at the duck name-plate. He raised a hand cautiously. Well... here goes nothing..." He knocked.  
  
After what felt like an eternity of waiting, the door finally opened. "Ranma. What do you want?" Akane growled, poised to slam the door in his face.  
  
Ryoga gulped. Akane and her mallet were a scary couple. "I-I just wanted to say... I'mshry..." he mumbled, looking at the floor.  
  
Akane looked puzzled. "What did you say, Ranma?"  
  
Ranma. That was his name for now, he'd have to remember that. "I-I said... I'm sorry. F- for not eating the breakfast you made for me." He kept his gaze locked on the floor. If she booted him through the roof, he'd try and switch back with Ranma, then never comment on her cooking. Ever.  
  
Akane was stunned. "W-w-what?" She blinked a little. "Y-you mean that?!" Ranma and humility were a rare mixture. Then again, she didn't know it wasn't Ranma in front of her.  
  
Ryoga nodded. "Yeah." He was hit by inspiration. "Hey, Akane, why don't we make some cookies together?" Pleasedon'thitme,pleasepleaseplease!!!! He decided he was developing a phobia to being hit. If she pulled that mallet out, he was going to run. At least Akane was predictable. She'd usually shout RANMA, YOU JERK!!!!, which was an obvious give away that the mallet was about to make an appearance. With Ukyo it was just, 'Hi' CLANG with no warning.  
  
Akane blinked for a second, doing the goldfish impression, before smiling at Ryoga happily. "You're offering to cook with me?"  
  
"Y-yeah."  
  
Big grin. "OK then."  
  
Ryoga was happy for a record breaking 2 seconds (Now, is that sarcasm or serious? Take your pick!) before Akane brought him back down to earth with one word.  
  
"Ranma."  
  
That was almost too easy, Ranma though with a smirk, walking towards Ucchan's. With his skill and the phenomenal strength Ryoga's body possessed, maybe things wouldn't be so bad. If only he didn't hurt so much. If I'm going to be stuck in Ryoga's body for any more time, I'm going to have to go back to Doc Tofu's and get something! He was never ever going to push anyone into a room occupied by Doctor Tofu and Kasumi ever again. Plus, this claw guy had really torn up his side. He should've known it would take some real work to bring Ryoga to his knees.  
  
He slid open the door to Ucchan's and licked his lips in anticipation of an edible breakfast.  
  
CLANG  
  
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, PERVERT?!!!!!"  
  
"Ouch..." Jeez! Ucchan could really swing hard with that thing!!! He slowly climbed to his feet, trying to get his bearings.  
  
CLANG  
  
"Don't ignore me!!!"  
  
Ranma climbed back to his feet painfully. "Ow... Ucchan, please could you not hit me with that thing for a while? I'm in kinda a lot of pain."  
  
Ukyo looked concerned. "Really?"  
  
"Mm hmm."  
  
She darted forward and poked him. "Like here?"  
  
"OW!"  
  
"And here?"  
  
"STOP IT!!!!"  
  
"And here? Here?"  
  
Then she made the mistake of poking him where the bonbori had struck. Ranma's eyes widened in pain and he collapsed on the floor. "AHHHH!!!! OWWWWW!!!!! THAT HURTS!!!!!!"  
  
Ukyo's fake concern melted into real concern. "Uh.......... Ryoga? Are you all right?"  
  
"No." Ranma hadn't felt this much pain since he'd attempted to eat one of Akane's more creative creations. You'd have figured he'd be wary of it when it started to wriggle off his fork, but he'd eaten it anyway. "I feel like someone's ripping me in half," he muttered, trying to pull himself back to his feet. He guiltily remembered poking Ryoga there yesterday, and had laughed at him when he cried out. Who would think with a rake-head could do so much damage? he wondered. Looking down he could see blood beginning to stain the shirt he was wearing where the stitches had broken again.  
  
Ukyo narrowed her eyes. "OK. I'm going to close the restaurant for the rest of the day and call Doctor Tofu. Kasumi isn't likely to turn up here." She pointed a finger at him. "You, go upstairs and rest." She stood poised, battle spatula at the ready to whack his lights out if he even thought about arguing with her, as he was ...  
  
"OK Ucchan."  
  
... certain to do. "What?" Ukyo blinked a few times. "What did you say?!!"  
  
Ranma smiled at her. "Hey, I'm agreeing with you here!!" He leaned on the counter for support.  
  
Ukyo looked flustered. Ryoga always argued with her, insisting that he didn't need any help and generally being stubborn. If he was agreeing this easily.... she began to feel a bit guilty about kicking him through the roof.  
  
And the smile. Ryoga almost never smiled, not at her. He'd smiled at Aiko a lot, but since she'd died, cheerful, natural smiles were rare, few and far between. And wow, did they make him look cute!  
  
After a few moments of the goldfish impression (My my. Everyone's an expert.) she finally became aware of a hand waving in front of her face. "What?! What?!" she blustered, trying to hide the blush creeping onto her face.  
  
"You were just staring into space. Are you all right?" Ranma looked curiously at her.  
  
Ukyo laughed a little. "I'm fine. Now go! Go rest!"  
  
Ryoga slowly backed away from the bowl, with a knife in his hand. "On the count of three, mash it. 1, 2, 3!"  
  
Akane whipped out her mallet, ran forward and whacked a number of flaming tentacles, before retreating. Ryoga moved in and began hacking at the monstrosity. Once again, the creature retreated to the depths of the soggy mixture sitting in the bowl, with bubbling blooping sucking noises. Ryoga cautiously poked it with the knife. "Think we got it?"  
  
"KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYMAAAAASTEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!" With a roar, tentacles exploded out of the bowl and wrapped themselves around him. Ryoga freaked. "AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! GETITOFF!!!!! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, trying to fight his way free.  
  
Akane looked at it carefully. "I think it needs a little more salt." Calmly, she picked up the salt shaker and emptied the contents into the bowl. The creature instantly vanished and Ryoga fell to the ground. He immediately armed himself with an even vaster quantity of cutlery, just in case...  
  
Akane picked up a large wooden spoon and began mixing cheerfully. "I knew that would do the trick!" she exclaimed gleefully.  
  
Ryoga thought for a second, trying to search for words that wouldn't have him flying through the ceiling. How did she do it? He could see half of the stuff she added before his view was obscured by flour, but how could her cooking move? Attack him? And her be totally unfazed?!!! He was on mallet guard. "Uh... Akane, can give you a little tip?"  
  
Akane narrowed her eyes. "OK then Ranma. Shoot."  
  
"Now please don't take this the wrong way or anything, I mean it nicely, so please don't hit me again..."  
  
"Ranma, you're babbling." Akane crossed her arms. "Tip."  
  
Ryoga took a deep breath. "When the food starts to move on it's own, the best thing to do is to start again. Really."  
  
Akane considered this for a moment, along with whether she should mallet him for daring to give her a tip. After a while, she decided to let him live. He hadn't insulted her (unusual), he'd asked before giving her advice, (very unusual) and the advice did give seemed to make sense. (as unusual as frogs appearing on the moon.) Food should be alive in presentation, not alive and trying to set up home in the kitchen. She tipped the bowl full of ....stuff into the dustbin, before starting again. "OK. 1 cup sugar...."  
  
Ryoga's eyes widened as he saw her reach for washing powder. "STOP!"  
  
Akane whipped out the mallet and advanced on him menacingly. "What, Ranma?"  
  
I really don't like that mallet, Ryoga thought. He laughed nervously. "Umm, Akane, you know I'm only trying to help," he explained. He reached over and gently removed the box of washing powder from her grasp. "We have all the time we want, so before you add something, check to make sure it really is what you think it is."  
  
Akane looked at the box and sighed. "Yes Ranma." Ranma was actually handing out good advice. There was definitely something wrong here. Oh well. Maybe it was just the effects of her unsuccessful attempt at breakfast. If only she hadn't thrown it away.... ah well. Besides, this new Ranma filled with good advice kinda spooked her.  
  
Ryoga continued with his advice. "How about, I gather all the ingredients and put them in front of you? And you promise not to use anything else but those ingredients?"  
  
"OK Ranma." After a moment, Akane tipped a bag of flour into the bowl and made a solemn vow to make the best cookies in the world.  
  
Well, best edible cookies she possibly could. And Ranma could be her guinea pig.  
  
End part XI  
  
Final song - The Strangest Thing  
  
=============  
  
PART XII  
  
Hubble Bubble  
  
Double Trouble.  
  
=============  
  
"Hey Ucchan, how about some more of that soup?"  
  
Ranma gave Ukyo that incredible grin again and she turned away, momentarily flustered. "I-I ah... yeah, sure thing, Ryoga," she mumbled, rushing out of the room.  
  
With a little giggle, Ranma turned the radio up a little. This was nice, being fussed over. He didn't often get a chance to relax, without various people (i.e.: MARTIAL ARTISTS!!!!!!!!!!!) disturbing the peace. He could really get used to this.... Stop thinking along those lines. NOW! he told himself sternly. No matter how much fun this was, he intended to get his own body back before either Ukyo or Akane got suspicious. He could try and talk rationally to Ryoga and show him that if he stopped being so stubborn about letting Ucchan help him, she wasn't as violent with the spatula. Very hopefully, Ryoga would be able to tell him how to stop Akane getting so fond of mallet- smashing him. At the least, after a little time dealing with Akane's cooking, Happosai's water splashing tendencies, Mr Tendo's weepy fits and my Pop, he probably won't be quite as eager to fight over Akane. Not that he liked the dumb tomboy or anything, but with no (OK then, a little) interference from his ex-fiancees, it would've been nice if he still didn't have Ryoga and Kuno to deal with. Not that she knows Ryoga likes - liked her. He grinned at Ukyo again as she came in, causing her to blush again. "Thanks, Ucchan. You're a great cook!"  
  
Ukyo blinked and sent him a suspicious look. "Do you feel well?"  
  
"Can't I compliment my own fiancee once in while?" Ranma replied with another grin. Careful, don't want to be too out of character or she'll suspect.  
  
Ukyo flushed and looked at floor, unsure of how to respond. However, a god (of some sort) was smiling down on her. Maybe laughing maniacally at the chaos they were stirring up, but smiling never the less.  
  
"HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!!"  
  
Ranma side-stepped the dustbin and prepared to attack it. Unfortunately, that was the moment that the Neriman Aquatransformable Water Law sprung into action.  
  
205: Neriman Aquatransformable Water Law.  
  
1. The worst possible type of water must only strike those Jusenkyo cursed and at the 2. worst possible times. Preferably at a rate of about 17 times an hour. E.g. : It will always rain very suddenly, without warning on a previously very sunny day, just when persons who are better off not knowing of your cursed form are present. This is nothing to do with Luck, Fate or Destiny, (who all get annoyed when they're blamed) but was created by the almighty Takahashi goddess who created many other cosmic laws to upset logic.  
  
Ranma ran forward.  
  
SPLASH  
  
Ranma-chan instantly tripped over her ludicrously large trousers and found herself nose first on the floor. Tsubasa took the moment to, as said, kick 'em while they're down. And that bandaged part looked very vulnerable.  
  
WHACK  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
Outside, a mother tutted and removed the water pistol from her sons grasp. "How many times have I told you not to squirt that thing through peoples windows?!!" she scolded angrily.  
  
Ukyo had finally had enough. "TSU...BA...SAAAAA......"  
  
The dustbin turned to her and sprouted a head. Tsubasa grinned. "Ukyo, darling! I've defeated this hounder, let's go on a date!"  
  
Ukyo flared and reached for her spatula. "He's my FIANCE you idiot!!!!!"  
  
Tsubasa blinked. "Uh oh."  
  
CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG CLANG  
  
Ukyo ended by sending him flying through the window and into orbit. Then she ran over to Ranma-chan's side. "Ryoga, are you OK?"  
  
"No," Ranma-chan whimpered. I want to crawl under a rock and die.  
  
"What hurts?"  
  
"My pride." She carefully climbed to her knees and sighed. "You didn't have to do that, really."  
  
"I SAVE YOUR ASS AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME?!!!!!"  
  
Oops. Ranma-chan backed away hurriedly. "No! Um, thanks, really! It's just..."  
  
CLANG  
  
Ryoga looked at the cookie dubiously. It looked relatively normal, but that was hardly any consolation. Akane fixed him with her best menacing glare. "Eat it, Ranma." The mallet appeared in her grasp. "Now."  
  
Ryoga sighed. "I'm eating it, I'm eating it." He sniffed it. It smelled normal enough. But this was Akane who'd cooked it. True, wandering around the world and entering countries with very strange eating habits had helped him to work up the nerve to eat almost anything that wasn't currently trying to wriggle off his fork, but she'd created new life forms, for pete's sake! Even when he'd lined up all the ingredients in a row! Creatures with glowing eyes and big teeth and a big appetite to match. And there's nothing quite like giant slug-like creatures chasing around the kitchen to make you lose your appetite.  
  
"Eat."  
  
"In a moment." Ryoga wondered whether it would hurt more to eat the cookie or let her hit him. He eyed the cookie again. A few minutes ago this thing grabbed me by the ankle and tripped me over. With that thought in mind, he quickly decided on the latter. At least Ucchan's cooking never hurts me. Only her. He tried to think of a way to refuse the cookie without getting too hurt. It was difficult. "Uh, Akane?"  
  
"Yes, Ranma?"  
  
This is going to hurt! It was that or eat the cookie. "Why don't you try one first?"  
  
KABLAM  
  
"RANMA YOU JERK!!!!!" Akane glared after his flying form then started to cry. I made those just for you! A thump from outside yanked her out of her small bout of self pity. "Ryoga?"  
  
Ranma-chan gave a small moan of pain and sat up. "Hi Akane.... Akane!" She jumped to her feet. "What's the matter?!!"  
  
Akane sniffled. "It's nothing much."  
  
Ranma-chan narrowed her eyes. "Was it R...Ranma?"  
  
Tears welled up in Akane's eyes again. "He was being nice, but then he was mean about my cooking..." She buried her head in her hands. "Doesn't he realize I'm cooking for him? Because I care about him?" She looked up at Ranma-chan. "I just want to be a good wife. Is that too much to ask?"  
  
"I...uh... well, I..." Absently, she toyed with her bandanna. She cares about me?!! But if Ryoga can't make her happy as me, what chance do I have? She paused. Then again, I didn't really much of a difference to Ucchan..." She paused for a while longer. What am I thinking? He made Akane cry, now he dies!!! "Ry...Ranma! Prepare to die!!"  
  
Akane quickly grabbed the back of her shirt. "That's OK Ryoga. Why don't I take you back to Ukyo's now?"  
  
"U-Ucchans?" Ranma-chan began sweating profusely. But she hates me! She'll beat me up again and I hurt all over already! "N-n-no, that's all right. I'll just..."  
  
"Come on." Akane grabbed her by the wrist and dragged the protesting Ranma-chan along the pavement. "Ukyo will be missing you."  
  
Yeah. She'll have no-one to target practice on. Ranma-chan could hardly believe that her best friend could be so violent to her other sort-of friend. I guess Ryoga doesn't exaggerate as much as I thought. Well, at least Ukyo couldn't bludgeon hi...her here.  
  
CRASH  
  
Ranma-chan pushed the large dustbin off herself and kicked it back into orbit with a growl. "Someone up there really hates me and is laughing right now."  
  
Akane laughed. "Silly."  
  
"AKANE TENDO!! BANDANNAED GIRL!! I WOULD DATE WITH THEE BOTH!!!"  
  
"You could have a point, actually."  
  
Ryoga crash landed outside Ucchans, leaving a small crater in the pavement. Why do I seem to be spending my entire day riding the air currents between here and the Tendo Dojo? And when did Akane become so over-reactive?!! he grumbled inwardly as he scrambled to his feet. A particular dustbin slammed into him, knocking him over again, then it climbed to it's feet, (Feet?!!) and wailed, "Fear not, my darling Ukyo-megami, I'll get rid of this Ryoga person who's been hounding you... oh, hi Ranma."  
  
"TSUBASA, GET LOST!!!!"  
  
CLANG  
  
Ryoga was pleasantly surprised when the rush of air and metallic clang were not followed by a long headache and a short trip via airmail across Tokyo. Well, they were, but not for him, which was nice. He was even more pleasantly surprised to have Ukyo drag him back inside the restaurant after greeting him with a quick hug and not a quick swing of the spatula. (Sensing any underlying paranoia about the spatula yet?) Then he spotted her red eyes. "Ucchan? Are you all right?"  
  
Ukyo sniffed. "Y-yeah, I'm fine. Hey, Ranchan, wanna okonomiyaki?" she said, quickly changing the subject.  
  
Ryoga frowned. "Tell me what's wrong. Really." Then he remembered he was supposed to be Ranma, and quickly gave her a (hopefully) convincing grin. "Over okonomiyaki."  
  
Bunny looked at her reflection and burst into tears again. Mina sighed and rubbed her temples. "Bunny, your hair looks fine."  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!! Darian's never going to look at me agaaaaaaaaain!!!!!" Fresh tears spouted from the blond girls eyes.  
  
Luna sighed and pretended she wasn't there. Mina hugged her friend and handed her numerous pieces of tissue. "Honest, it looks fine..."  
  
The sobs increased in pitch as Bunny buried her head in her arms. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOOK AWWWWWWFUL!!!!!"  
  
Raye growled at her. "Bunny, please shut up before I seal your mouth up with a ward."  
  
Mina had a sudden brainwave. "Let's go boywatching!"  
  
"B-but my hair..."  
  
"That way we'll get a second opinion," Mina pointed out. "Maybe even a spare boyfriend."  
  
Bunny smiled slightly. "That Magical Guy Makoto was very cute though."  
  
Mina nodded in agreement. "Next time I meet him, I'm going to have to thank him for saving my life."  
  
"He saved everybody's lives," Raye reminded them in a bored voice. "Honestly, you lot are just boy mad."  
  
"I just wanna thank him!" Mina protested.  
  
Bunny glanced at her blue haired friend who was sitting nearby. "Hey, Amy, get any info on him?"  
  
Amy nodded. "It's not much info, though. As little as there was of Sailor V."  
  
Mina grinned. "Best way to not get caught."  
  
Amy ignored her. "Him and his sister, Ryoko, appeared quite recently battling against a new outbreak of demons in the area of Nerima."  
  
"What's so special about Nerima?" asked Lita, doodling little love hearts around pictures of the Backstreet Boys, Matt Le Blanc and Magical Guy Makoto that were pasted to her exercise book.  
  
"It has an obnoxiously large martial artist population."  
  
"He's just such a stubborn jackass," Ukyo grumbled to Ryoga, who was fighting to eat all of the okonomiyaki she was churning out. "I'm only trying to help the guy and he throws it all back at me. I don't know why I bother sometimes. The jerk just doesn't appreciate me."  
  
Ryoga managed to clear his mouth long enough to blurt out "that's not true!" before another tower of okonomiyaki was placed in front of him. Yikes! How does Ranma eat all of this?!!  
  
Ranma-chan proved how twenty seconds later when she bounced into the restaurant and wolfed down the okonomiyaki mountain before getting clouted over the head by Ukyo. "OW!"  
  
"That's Ranchan's, you jackass!" Ukyo yelled, peeling the spatula from her skull.  
  
"Sorry," Ranma-chan groaned. Ryoga nudged her with his foot. "Wimp."  
  
WHAM  
  
"STOP PICKING ON RYOGA!!!!" Akane yelled, putting her trusty mallet back into whatever dimensional pocket it came from. Probably the same place as her cooking, actually.  
  
Ranma-chan allowed herself a small snigger as Ryoga found himself embedded in the grill until the metal spatula of doom whacked her over the back of the head. "Don't laugh at Ranchan!" Ukyo growled. "And go get some hot water or something, you pervert."  
  
"M'not a pervert," Ranma-chan muttered under her breath, heading for the kitchen.  
  
"What did you say?!" Ukyo snarled.  
  
"Nothing!" Ranma-chan scuttled into the kitchen and waited for the kettle to boil. Argh! I can't take much more of this! There has to be a way to may Ucchan stop beating me up! She's more violent than Akane!!!  
  
A piece of paper on the kitchen counter caught her eye. Curious, Ranma-chan picked it up and scanned it. Congratulations Mr Hibiki, you have won two movie passes. Valid until the end of the month. She narrowed her eyes. I'll bet he was planning to ask Akane.  
  
poof  
  
A small devil appeared on Ranma-chan's shoulder. "You're in Ryoga's body so ask Ucchan to go with you!"  
  
poof  
  
An angel appeared on Ranma-chan's other shoulder. "You shouldn't - it's not yours."  
  
"That has to be one of he most pathetic argument's you've come up with," the little devil snarled. Then he grinned. "Besides, we're doing lost boy a favour."  
  
The angel crossed his arms. "Explain."  
  
"We will be breaking the ice for those two, Ucchan will stop beating him up and they'll be out of me and Akane's way." He smirked.  
  
The angel blinked. "You've twisted it. I don't know how you did it, but you twisted it."  
  
poof  
  
poof  
  
Ranma-chan grinned and picked up the kettle. Thank you, voice of inner reasoning! Pausing only to run upstairs and grab a new change of clothing, Ranma raced back into the main part of the restaurant. "Hey, Ucchan?"  
  
"Hmm?" Ukyo spared him a glance.  
  
"Wanna go to the cinema with me tonight?" Three totally shocked faces started at him until the one belonging to Ukyo managed to stammer out, "W-wha... you mean, like on a d-date?!"  
  
Ranma grinned. "Yeah. I got free movie passes."  
  
Ukyo attempted thinking. Her brain returned the request with an error message and advised her to wait a few moments longer before trying again. Ryoga's asking me on a date? What do I do?! She tried to concentrate on the part of her mind screaming 'Ranchan! What about Ranchan?! You love Ranchan! Say no!' but for some reason it kept getting drowned out by the part saying 'Ranma dumped you, remember? He's not your fiance, Ryoga is. It's not like you'd be doing anything wrong, and besides, he's not that bad. It's only one little date...' "Tonight?" she asked, stalling for time.  
  
Ranma nodded. "I thought we could see 'Rush Hour' or something."  
  
He grinned again, and Ukyo felt her resolve weakening. "R-Rush Hour?"  
  
"Yeah. But we can go see something else if you want to." Suddenly, Ryoga leaned forward, knocking a glass of water over him. "Hey! I just changed back!"  
  
"Sorry," Ryoga lied. "Let's go boil the kettle again." He dragged Ranma-chan over to the kitchen and shut the door before whirling around to face her. "What on earth are you doing?!!!" he hissed.  
  
"Waiting for the kettle to boil," Ranma-chan said innocently.  
  
"You know what I mean!" Ryoga glared at her. "I mean this date thing!"  
  
"I'm just asking my fiancee out on a date. Whassa matter, P-Chan?" Ranma-chan teased. "Jealous?"  
  
Ryoga fumed. "I am not jealous! You can keep her for all I care!" He paused and rewound her statement back through his memory to the beginning. Asking my fiancee out on a date... I'm Akane's fiance now... He turned and walked out of the room with a widening grin on his face. "Akane?"  
  
Akane looked at him. "Yes Ranma?"  
  
Ryoga took a deep breath. "Ra.. Ryoga was just saying how much fun it would be if we double dated with him and Ucchan tonight. How about it?" If she say's no, that mean's I have a chance when I get back into my own body. And if she says yes... Well if she said yes, he'd never let Ranma have his body back!  
  
Akane looked at him in total amazement before a smile appeared on her face. "OK, Ranma." She glanced at Ukyo. "Is that OK with you, Ukyo?"  
  
Ukyo still had a look of shock on her face as she slowly nodded. "Yeah..."  
  
Ranma ran out of the kitchen to Ryoga's side, still clutching the kettle. "What?!! What's going on?!"  
  
Ryoga gave him a wide grin and opened his mouth to gloat. "..."  
  
"Hi there!"  
  
Ranma screamed and dropped the kettle on the floor as Skuld popped out of it with a grin. "Sorry I took so long, Mister Bug Zapper broke down and I had to repai..." She trailed off and looked from Ranma to Ryoga then back again. Then, without warning, she grabbed them by the hair and knocked their heads together.  
  
"OW!" Ryoga yelped.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!!!!" Ranma rubbed the back of his head, then stopped as a familiar pigtail brushed against his hand. "What?"  
  
"Feeling... more yourself?" Skuld asked with a grin. She picked up her long handled mallet from the floor and tucked it back into it's holder. "Shouldn't happen again."  
  
Ryoga jumped to his feet. "I need a mirror.." he mumbled, looking around before exiting the room. Ranma and Skuld ran after him to see him gloomily examining his reflection. "Thanks a bunch, Skuld. You couldn't have waited until tomorrow, could you."  
  
"What's the matter? What's so special about tomorrow?" Skuld was puzzled.  
  
Ranma sniggered. "He has a date tonight. So do I, actually." He fluttered his fingers at Ryoga. "Thanks for that."  
  
"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Ryoga jumped to his feet and ran towards Ranma, who merely dodged and poked him in the side. "OW!" He clutched his side with a groan. He glowered at Ranma. "Well, I'll let you live for now, but you'd better treat Akane right!"  
  
"Relax. You'll be there too, won't you." Ranma patted him on the back. "Things'll be fine."  
  
Later that evening.  
  
"SPATULA GIRL, I KILL!!!!!"  
  
"SHAMPOO, NO!"  
  
"AKANE TENDO! THE BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH SHALL SMITE THIS FIEND!!!"  
  
KABLAM  
  
"SHAMPOO, MY LOVE! RUN TO MY ARMS!!!"  
  
POW  
  
"UKYO, I LOVE YOU!"  
  
"GET LOST, TSUBASA!!!!"  
  
Ryoga glared at Ranma. "Things'll be fine, I believe you said."  
  
Ranma glared back. "So I suck at fortune telling."  
  
End Part XII  
  
Final song - Nothing Lasts Forever  
  
================  
  
PART XIII  
  
The eye of the storm.  
  
================  
  
"EEEEK!!!! PERVERT!!!!!" Shoko grabbed the shower rail and started beating the offending person, before stopping to examine him. "Magical Guy Makoto!!" She threw the rail over her shoulder and yanked Ryoga to his feet. "I'm sorry! Can I have your autograph? My friends will never believe this!!!"  
  
Ryoga was thankful to a god others cursed for the fact that the girl had a towel wrapped around her. "Sorry, can't now, gotta job to do." He ran out of the room, only to be bopped over the head by an invisible mini-Skuld shouting "Not that way, this way!! Honestly, I thought I fixed your sense of direction!"  
  
Shoko sighed happily. "What a dream..."  
  
Her happy memory was disturbed by the arrival of a bona fide hentai leaping through her window with a cry of "Sweeto!"  
  
"EEEEK!!!! PERVERT!!!!!"  
  
Ryoga shook his head sadly and made his way to the roof. "So it's that squelching, squid- blob we're after?"  
  
Skuld nodded. "I don't recognize it, but it's showing up on my scanners." The creature in question batted away the Hyperdoll flying towards it and stood on Sailor Jupiter. "I'll bet that hurt."  
  
"Amazing how many super heroes in this city are female," Ryoga commented as Moldiver bounced off the creatures flesh with a audible boing. He flapped at a small, yellow butterfly and a small, localized rainstorm appeared over his head. "That's not funny." The rain turned to hail. With a growl, Ryoga-chan pointed her wand at the cloud and it faded out of existence.  
  
"Stop moaning at the butterfly and kill the creature."  
  
"Nag, nag, nag." Ryoga-chan bounced from building to building, almost crippling herself in her high heels, until she was directly above the monster. "HEY, SQUID!" The jellyfish thing looked up and almost passed out with a nosebleed. Ryoga-chan glowered at it. "PERVERT!!!!! CHAOS SHAN HIGH BLAST!" Eye of God and Star Trek pretty lights and sounds merged together and turned the squid-thing into enough fried calamari to feed the whole of Italy, Sicily included.  
  
"Not bad," mini-Skuld commented. "You're getting better at this."  
  
Ryoga-chan grinned a little. "Than...HEY!"  
  
"HOTCHA!" Happosai glomped onto her leg.  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!" Ryoga-chan smashed him over the head with the wand a few times and a small vial of water fell from his clothes. "What's this?" She bent down and picked it up. "Nyannichuan water?"  
  
poof  
  
A small devil appeared on her shoulder, scaring the hell out of mini-Skuld. "Pour it over him!"  
  
poof  
  
A small angel appeared on her other shoulder and mini-Skuld massaged her head. "Uh.... I've got nothing to protest here, pour it over him!!"  
  
"That's for the curse and for Aiko," Ryoga-chan snarled, emptying the vial over Happosai's head before booting her into the sky.  
  
A panting, red-haired woman ran onto the roof, followed by a handsome young man. "Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI," the woman barked.  
  
Mulder ran forward. "Take me to Samantha."  
  
"Samantha?" Ryoga-chan asked weakly.  
  
Scully pushed him aside. "Does she look like a green, mutant turtle to you?" She turned to Ryoga-chan. "How did you defeat that monster? What is your involvement in the government, cover-up?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Have you seen four, mutant turtle aliens anywhere around town?" Mulder asked, shoving Scully aside.  
  
"No..." Ryoga-chan flapped irritably at the butterflies flapping around her head.  
  
"Would you shut up about that?!" Scully snapped. "There's a perfectly rational explanation for them."  
  
A snow storm appeared above Ryoga-chan's head.  
  
"Aliens!"  
  
"Genetically engineered creatures!"  
  
The snow storm turned into a full blown blizzard and Ryoga-chan pointed her wand at it.  
  
"Stop that!" She glanced at the two arguing agents before jumping off the roof with a shrug. "Very strange people around here."  
  
Shampoo was annoyed. What was it all the guys saw in these violent brunettes anyway? Everything they could do, she could do better. But last night, with her own eyes, she'd seen not only Ranma and Akane out on a date, but Ryoga and Ukyo too. It wasn't fair! Maybe violent spatula girl bribe Ryoga into going on date... After all, that was a technique she'd used on several occasions to get Ranma to date with her. It was also a technique she wasn't going to use any more, as it had a tendency to backfire. Yes, spatula girl bribed Ryoga. Shampoo take him some nice ramen, show she forgive him. That would be a nice thing to do, after all. With a widening smile, she prepared a delivery.  
  
"Shampoo, my love! Where are you going?" Mousse asked.  
  
"Go away, Mousse." Shampoo blocked him out as background noise.  
  
"But we had no orders..."  
  
"Shampoo said go away." She walked past him and out of the door.  
  
Mousse stared after her. "She's going to see him again? But why?! He doesn't love her! He is unfaithful to her!" Thunder crashed in the background as Mousse raised his fist high. "Hibiki, YOU SHALL PAY!!!" He flapped at the small butterfly fluttering nearby. "Go away." A small lightning bolt shot out of the thundering clouds and struck him on the end of his nose. "Ow!"  
  
"Keep it down, Mr Part Time, you're disturbing my meditation," Cologne grumbled. She slammed the door before he could detect the opening theme to El Hazard on the television set.  
  
Tsubasa walked into the okonomiyaki restaurant before taking a seat. Ryoga-chan wandered over to her. "Are you here to eat?"  
  
Tsubasa nodded. "I'll have a special."  
  
"The gods must be smiling on me," Ryoga-chan muttered, noting down the order.  
  
"And I'd like to talk to you."  
  
"With maniacal grins and voodoo dolls," she finished. "Is that talk as in talk, or talk as in attempted murder?"  
  
"As in talk!" Tsubasa snapped. He sighed and leaned on the table. "I don't think darling Ukyo likes me."  
  
Well duh." Ryoga-chan shot him a dubious look. "What gave it away?"  
  
Tsubasa ignored her comment and continued. "What is it though? What did she see in Ranma? What does she see in you? I mean, I..."  
  
"Wait a second!" Ryoga-chan held up a hand. "She doesn't see anything in me."  
  
"She went on a date with you, remember."  
  
Ryoga-chan groaned. "I'm trying to forget. Things were going so well until you and Mousse and Kuno and Shampoo turned up. I was having fun... she didn't hit me once."  
  
Tsubasa glared at him. "You don't have to rub it in!" He sighed. "I know she's engaged to you, and I'd give up on her. But she's so cute and kind and smart and a great cook..."  
  
"Whatever." Ryoga-chan tapped her pen on the notebook, trying not to think about Ukyo. Sure, Ucchan may be smart and c-cy-cute... but she's just so... She finally focused on the enraged teen in front of her.  
  
"You don't like her?!!" A battle aura flared around Tsubasa as he jumped to his feet.  
  
"No! I-I mean yes! I mean..."  
  
"CHARGE!!!!"  
  
"DON'T ATTACK MY STAFF!!!" Ryoga-chan sighed in relief as a giant spatula sent Tsubasa hurtling across the restaurant. Her relief was short lived as the spatula crashed down upon her skull. "AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T LIKE ME?!!!"  
  
"I DO like you!" Ryoga-chan rubbed her head. "Those rare moments when you aren't trying to kill me, you can even be kinda kawaii. And I'm sorry the date didn't work out." She turned to walk away, but found her movement limited slightly by Ukyo's grip on the back of her uniform.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said... oh." Ryoga-chan paused and blushed. "I said that aloud? Hehehe ... umm... I've had my body taken over by an evil spirit doll? I've been hypnotized? Possessed by a demon?"  
  
"That's not funny," Ukyo snapped, remembering the events of a few nights back. She turned Ryoga-chan to face her and smiled a little. "It's OK about the date."  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at the floor. "I really am sorry. I didn't expect all those other people to turn up too."  
  
"I said it's OK. Rush Hour's a popular film." She increased the radiance of her smile. "Better luck next time, yeah? Now back to work." She walked away quickly, leaving Ryoga-chan standing, slightly stunned in the center of the restaurant. Oh my god! Did I really say that?!!  
  
"Nihao Ryoga, spatula girl!" Shampoo crashed through the doorway, flattening a few customers in the process. She walked over to the still-dazed Ryoga-chan with a grin. "You not get to eat ramen in hospital, I bring you some now."  
  
She snapped out of her dream world and looked at Shampoo. "Oh. Thanks!"  
  
"Is OK."  
  
Mousse burst through the doorway. "SHAMPOO MY LOVE!" he wailed, glomping Tsubasa. "I'll save you!!"  
  
"Who do you think you're calling Shampoo?!" Tsubasa growled.  
  
"Sorry, miss." Mousse slipped his glasses back onto his nose. "HIBIKI?!! YOU DARE TO EAT THE FOOD OF MY DARLING SHAMPOO WHEN YOU FLAUNT AROUND WITH OTHER WOMEN?!!!" Weapons flew towards Ryoga-chan, who dropped her ramen in surprise. "YOU SHALL PAY!!!"  
  
Kuno strode in. "My bandannaed goddess! My love for you shall conquer all!" He paused as a small, yellow butterfly alighted on his bokken. "Curse thee, winged traitor! You pass through my barriers unto the outside world and make thyself a public spectacle?" A hurricane wind ruffled his hair. "Ah, but the blue thunder of Furinkan high shall put thee back in thy place."  
  
The lightning flashed through the blue sky outside and Ryoga-chan blinked in surprise. "Those butterflies... that's how you manage it!!!"  
  
"Ignore me, would you?!!" Mousse snarled, running forward.  
  
Tsubasa joined him. "Your time has finally come!!!"  
  
"My darling! Jump into my arms and let us flee together!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan squeezed her eyes shut and a butterfly landed on her shoulder. Her mind filled with chaos and all of a sudden, she knew how it was done... "ICE STORM!!" An icy wind hit the three boys head on, causing them to immediately turn tail and flee before they became replicas of Frosty the snowman.  
  
Ukyo blinked a few times. "How in the WORLD did you learn how to do that?!!"  
  
"Uh..." Ryoga-chan tried to think of a reasonable excuse other than 'I learnt it from the butterflies.'  
  
Skuld jumped to her rescue. "I taught him how. Useful, eh?"  
  
"Very." Ukyo and Shampoo nodded in agreement.  
  
Nerima attracts some very strange people, Ryoga-chan reflected, looking out of the window to the street outside. It was true, alien activity was more than 50% above the average, and monsters and super heroes attacked the city more times than there are parts to Friday the 13th. Once, a cat had walked in, introduced itself as Salem and announced that he wanted a special and to rule the world.  
  
She idly wondered why she didn't get her family to wire Mr Tendo the money and start wandering again when a white rabbit carrying a baby with a cigar in its mouth charged past her view, shouting "I'm late!" closely followed by a blond haired girl in a blue dress, only to get squashed by a house falling on her head.  
  
Another girl exited the house and sighed. "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."  
  
Oh yeah. That's why. Whenever I leave the restaurant I get struck by lightning, trucks or grand piano's falling out of the sky. Very strange. Nobody lived above Ucchan's and Ryoga-chan couldn't figure out where on earth that piano had come from. Probably just an act of god to make sure I stick around to fight these weird demons. Ryoga-chan shook her head and handed two plates to the guys in front of her. One was very tall and very serious look, and was wearing a pair of sunglasses despite the localized areas of freak weather. The other one looked more her age and Ryoga-chan was slightly pleased that he wasn't spending all his time with his eyes glued to her chest. "Your orders."  
  
"Thanks, babe," the boy said idly. He switched his attention back to the tall man. "You need more attitude still, if you're gonna pass."  
  
"No sweat, Jon," he said seriously. "Chill."  
  
Jon grinned. "That's better."  
  
The man stood up. "The T1000 is in the area. We should leave."  
  
"Oh Shit!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at them both. "Leaving so soon?"  
  
Jon reached into his pocket and handed her a fistful of notes. "We'll take the food with us - it looks great. That should cover it." He grinned. "This is a nice little place."  
  
The tall man nodded solemnly. "Come on, Jon." He paused and looked at Ryoga-chan. "I'll be back." They both roared away on a motorcycle.  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at the handful of notes and her eyes widened. "Wow... what a tip!" She shrugged and began serving again. Eventually there was a lull in activity and she sat down at the counter with a groan. "I'm beat."  
  
Ukyo sniggered. "I thought you were a big strong man. Cantcha handle a few hours waitressing?" she teased.  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at her. "I'm a girl right now," she mumbled. "Besides, when you first hired me, I had three other people helping me."  
  
Ukyo pondered that remark for a second. "You're right. Maybe I should hire some more help." She patted Ryoga-chan on the shoulder. "Howzat sound?"  
  
"Like heaven." She stood up and stretched. "Please can I turn back to normal now?" she begged.  
  
Ukyo thought about it for a moment before relenting. "OK. I'll close up now and get started on my homework."  
  
Ryoga-chan gave her a big grin. "Thanks! I'm gonna change back and spar with Ranma." And then Skuld's gonna tell me how I'm learning other peoples techniques. There was no way she was going near Happosai or Cologne until she figured out how to stop it, otherwise she could end up having to steal underwear to get her strength. Not a happy prospect. But she wanted to try out some new tricks on Ranma. She turned her back on Ukyo, not noticing the chef's battle aura starting to glow. "It's been ages since I had a good fight."  
  
Oh, so he doesn't think I'm good enough to fight him?!! Ukyo fumed. She tensed up, reaching for her spatula. "Ryoga, you JERK!" she howled, slamming the spatula into the ground where she'd been just a second before.  
  
Except now, Ryoga-chan was a few feet away, with a big smirk on her face. "Nyah, you missed me," she taunted, wiggling her tongue at Ukyo. "Catch me if you caaaan!" With that, she raced up the stairs and into the bathroom, leaping through the mirror just before the spatula smashed down on the glass.  
  
Ukyo stood panting in the bathroom. Stupid, hentai JERK! I can't believe I actually agreed to go out with him last night!! With a small sigh, she slumped down on the floor. (And I'm sorry the date didn't work out...) The words echoed through her mind. I guess... I was having fun until it all went wrong... she admitted to herself as she climbed back to her feet. (Y-y-you look really n-nice... wanna get some popcorn?) Expertly, she shoved the memory into the darkest corners of her mind, although for some reason, an image of Ryoga giving her an undeniably cute smile lingered in her minds eyes. She quickly replaced it with a picture of Ranma. Ranchan... not that idiot Ryoga. She looked at the mirror, beginning to fume all over again as she took in the fine spiderweb of cracks running through the glass. This is all Ryoga's fault! she decided, walking away. At least being mad at him helped block out the memory of him smiling at her. A little. I must be ill, thinking of him.  
  
Ranma sighed happily and relaxed even lower into the hot water. "This is the life..." he murmured. After a few minutes of soaking, he reluctantly stood up and began to get dried and dressed before his father ate all the dinner again. He leaned forward to study his reflection in the mirror. He frowned. When did I get green eyes?! he wondered, then let out a yelp of terror as Ryoga-chan popped out of the mirror.  
  
"Hey Ranma."  
  
Ranma backed away, tripping over a bucket of cold water. She angrily flicked her red hair out of her eyes and glared. "What the hell are you tryna do, scare me to death?!!" she ranted.  
  
Ryoga-chan thought for a second. "Original and effective. Maybe I should do that more often." She grinned slightly and landed on the floor. "Let's spar. We haven't had a good fight in ages."  
  
Ranma-chan thought longingly of dinner. "Not now, Ryoga," she decided. After all, if I don't eat now, I may be forced to eat Akane's cooking again! She went to move past Ryoga-chan.  
  
"Wait!" Ryoga-chan moved forward to block her path. "Come on, Ranma! What's the matter with you?!" She crossed her arms irritably. "What's the matter, scared I'll beat you?" she taunted. "Biii! Surely der big, bad Ranma Saotome isn't afwaid of widdle Ryoga-chan, is he?"  
  
Ranma-chan turned a strange shade of purple. "Hey, you little...." She began, little crosses of annoyance appearing on her head. Then an image of Akane waving deadly weapons ... a mallet, and even worse, her home cooking, appeared in his mind. "Look, Ryoga, I'll fight you." She pushed past the smaller girl then turned to face her. "But not until after dinner, you got that?"  
  
"You're no fun," Ryoga-chan mumbled under her breath as she followed Ranma-chan to the kitchen.  
  
Kasumi looked at them both and smiled. "Oh my. Ryoga, would you like to stay for dinner too?"  
  
"N-no, that's OK..." Ryoga-chan stuttered, laughing nervously. "I mean, I already ate."  
  
"But you're a growing boy," Kasumi smiled, completely oblivious to the fact that her statement happened to be untrue at the moment. "You need all your food, right?"  
  
"Uh...hehe..." Ryoga-chan scratched the back of her head. "No, really, that's OK. I don't want to be a nuisance..."  
  
Ranma-chan shook her head and placed the kettle on to boil. Kasumi continued to smile sweetly. "Really, I insist."  
  
Ryoga-chan gave up. "Thanks, Kasumi. That's really nice of you."  
  
She sat down next to Akane, who turned and smiled at her. "Hello Ryoga. You and Ukyo got home safely last night, didn't you?"  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked. "Well, uh.. yeah.. hehehe..." She scratched the back of her head again with another nervous laugh, and tried to concentrate on Akane's face. For some reason, she kept seeing Ukyo in her mind, smiling at her... (Hey, sugar, I'll go with you.. after all, if normal people get lost in cinema's, imagine what would happen to you...) She shook her head and tried to focus on Akane. I love Akane I love Akane I love Akane I love she repeated firmly in her mind, gritting her teeth and closing her eyes. Big mistake. The moment she closed her eyes, she was bombarded by the memory of Ukyo taking hold of his hand and walking with him to get some popcorn.  
  
A hand rested lightly on her shoulder and Ryoga-chan almost jumped out of her skin. "Aaah!" She whipped around to come face to face with Akane.  
  
"Uh.. Ryoga? Are you all right?" she asked in concern.  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded numbly, a slight tingle running through her small frame. That was weird... she thought to herself. Then the thought was pushed aside by a more worrying issue. I was thinking of Ukyo while I'm here with Akane?!! She forcefully pushed the memory aside. She must have hit me harder than I thought, she decided dryly.  
  
Ranma-chan picked up the kettle and poured it over her head. "Oh, that feels so good," he muttered cheerfully, before holding out the kettle to his best enemy. "How about it, Ryoga-chan? Wanna be a guy?" He grinned as the small girl winced in internal agony.  
  
Ryoga-chan fixed him with a venomous glare. "How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" she hissed.  
  
Ranma shrugged. "I lost count after seven hundred and thirty eight," he quipped, before shaking the kettle a little. "So? D'ya want it?"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked down at her waitress outfit. "I don't suppose there are any of my other clothes here?" she asked hopefully.  
  
"Nope. Sorry."  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at Kasumi, who shook her head, before giving up with a sigh. "I guess I'd better stay like this then," she mumbled. "I guess I need to get used to fighting in this body too."  
  
Ranma grinned. "Hey, that's great!" He patted her on the shoulder, an evil grin on his face. "Your girl side is totally hot, y'know. Can't wait." There was almost nothing Ranma liked better than winding up Ryoga. He was a master at it, as he continued to prove. "It's almost a pity you're not a real girl sometimes," he carried on, noting the battle aura flaring around the girl and the utterly pissed off expression on her face. With a huge smirk, he reached over and ruffled her hair. "You're cute when you're mad, y'know," he taunted.  
  
The next thing that struck him was completely unexpected. Actually, it was a mallet.  
  
"RANMA, YOU JERK!!!"  
  
WHAMMO  
  
Ranma reached up carefully and traced the mallet handle back to a hand and grabbed it. "Jeez, Akane, I was only... gah!"  
  
The hand he was holding wasn't that of a certain young tomboy Tendo, but rather, that of a certain shocked bandannaed lost girl who was staring at the mallet with as much amazement as he was. "How did.. how ... h-h-how..." Ryoga-chan stuttered, staring at her hands.  
  
Nabiki grinned. "Well, Akane, looks like you've been upstaged." She casually patted her sister on the arm. "Never mind, I'm sure you'll find a new trick to beat up Ranma with."  
  
Soun Tendo appeared then, bawling his eyes out. (Boo hoo spat splat.) "NABIIIIIIIKI!!!!!! How can you ENCOURAGE them fighting?!!!!!!" He began to claw at his hair. "My BABIEEEEEEEE!!! Why must you fight with your fiance?!!!!!"  
  
Ranma shrugged and looked at the still stunned Ryoga-chan. "We weren't fighting, Mr Tendo, we were talking about how Ryoga-chan here stole Akane's technique."  
  
"I DIDN'T STEAL IT...." Ryoga-chan began, before Mr Tendo grabbed her by the arms and started shaking her.  
  
"WHY?!!!! WHY I ASK YOU?!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU, GIVE MY BABY GIRL BACK HER TECHNIQUE!!!!!!!" he bawled.  
  
Akane sighed. "Daddy, Ryoga didn't do anything wrong, he must have just worked out how I do it," she said lightly. Inwardly she frowned. Even she wasn't sure where the mallet came from. Oh well, she was sure it didn't matter. "Isn't that right, Ryoga?"  
  
Ryoga-chan grasped the suggestion like a drowning man clutching a straw. "Oh, yeah, that's right, I mean, I've seen you use that thing, been on the receiving end a few times too, hehe..." She turned about thirty shades of red. Oh god, they're not buyin' it... what the hell is going on here... oh man, I just don't get this!!  
  
"See? That's all." Akane smiled at her father, who still had tears pouring down his face. "Oh daddy, must you over react?"  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked a few times. Wow... they're actually buying it! That was good. She didn't know how she was supposed to explain that she was learning techniques from anyone who touched her?  
  
Ranma gave her a dubious look. "I think you're not telling us something, Miss Ryoga- chan."  
  
Immediately, a demon head loomed over Ranma, with forked tongue, glowing eyes and fangs. "WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT?!!!!!!" Ryoga-chan roared. Then she realized exactly what she was doing. "Um..."  
  
Ranma crossed his arms. "How did you do that?" he queried, looking closely at Ryoga- chan.  
  
Ryoga-chan put on her best cute face. "Me? I guess I picked that one up from watching Mr Tendo do it to you all the time." She smiled sweetly. "Not scared, are you? Want to fight still?"  
  
Ranma glared at her. "Sure thing! As if a few new moves could make you any better than me!!"  
  
"In the training hall, boys," Nabiki called out. "Or should I say girl and boy?" She whipped out her camera for a few shots of Ryoga-chan in the waitress outfit. "Don't create too much damage!!"  
  
Ranma grinned. There was one move certain to put Ryoga-chan out of it, no matter how many mallets she pulled. All he needed to do was make her mad. "Hey, Nabs, don't suppose you could make me copies of those photo's, could you?"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!" Akane jumped to her feet, waving a large mallet around.  
  
Ranma glared at her. "Akane, don't butt in! This is a man to man fight!" He glanced at the seething Ryoga-chan again. "Although it looks like only one of us is a real man!"  
  
"DIE, SAOTOME!!!!" OK, yeah, it was an outdated battlecry. But it was quick and straight to the point.  
  
Ranma charged towards the training hall as the demon head loomed over him. "What's the matter, lady, can't take the heat?! You make a better girl than a guy, anyway!"  
  
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!" Ryoga-chan roared, swinging a mallet which connected solidly with Ranma's skull, much to his surprise.  
  
I forget... he's faster as a girl. Ranma straightened up and began taunting Ryoga-chan again, carefully leading her into a spiral. "I thought you said that battlecry was outdated? What's the matter, Ryoga-chan, something wrong? Why not stay a girl for the rest of your life and find a real man to marry?" He could feel the heat of the battle aura radiating from the girl. Boy, was Ryoga mad! Just a few more steps and he'd have the Hyruu Shoten Ha to end all. "I don't know why Ucchan decided to stick with you, when she had a real man like me around!"  
  
Ryoga-chan seethed with anger and renewed her attack. "Get back here, you coward!" she raged, chasing after him. "Stop running away!"  
  
The words clicked in her mind.  
  
Ranma was... running away... running away in a spiral... Time seemed to slow down as she realized she was being drawn into the center of the spiral. Oh no! Not again! Not this time! (It's nothing more than a clash of temperatures.) She remembered helping Ranma train with Cologne - she'd been the first one Ranma had unleashed his greatest attack on. And she'd gotten herself mad enough to be blown a few miles at least. Unless.... she could cool herself down. She grinned. "ICE STORM!" Ranma's eyes widened as the cold air surrounded him, canceling out his twister. Then, before he could react, he was hit by a flurry of punches. He staggered backwards before regaining his composure. "H-how did you do that?!!" he whispered in awe. Ryoga-chan smirked. "That would be telling. Come on, Ranma. Fight me." She could do it this time. She could defeat him! Ranma grinned. "OK. For real. Winner takes all." He took a stance. "Let's go!"  
  
Skuld glanced at the okonomiyaki chef as she worked through her katas with her giant spatula, before swinging at an imaginary foe, muttering under her breath. A grin appeared on Skuld's face as the words reached her ears.  
  
"...Jerk! Pervert! Stubborn, stuck-up, pig-headed jackass!"  
  
"He'll be back soon," Skuld called.  
  
Ukyo jumped around, a red flush covering her features. "I couldn't care less where he is or what he's doing!" she growled. "Why should I care anyway?!" She whirled around again and started the kata, smooth and controlled. Her mind was in a state of chaos, though. She didn't understand what was happening to her. She loved Ranchan, she knew that. So why am I worried about that idiot jackass Ryoga? She sighed. Well, if there was a question that needed answering, there was just one thing to do.  
  
Procrastinate.  
  
Procrastinate like you've never procrastinated before.  
  
Skuld smiled knowingly and looked at the small pill she'd been given by her sister, and held it up to the light. "Admit it. You like him."  
  
"I DO NOT!!!" Ukyo screamed.  
  
Skuld couldn't resist goading her a little more. "So how was your date last night? Have fun? Was Ryoga a gentleman? I hear he leapt to your defense pretty quickly when all out war broke loose."  
  
Ukyo scowled. "I don't want to talk about it, so drop it."  
  
Skuld relented. She genuinely liked the okonomiyaki chef and didn't want to spoil the friendship they were building. "OK." She looked at the pill again with a smile. Love potion number 9. Ryoga and Ukyo were her friends. They deserved a little happiness after all the recent mayhem and chaos. As a goddess, surely she could do that? Pride... it always gets in the way. Well, Urd, maybe your ideas aren't as far-fetched as I originally thought.  
  
End Part XIII  
  
Final Song - Another Day In Paradise  
  
========================  
  
PART XIV  
  
Winner takes all!!!  
  
Ranma Saotome never loses...  
  
Or does he?  
  
========================  
  
Ranma could only wait in shocked amazement as the Katsu Tenshin Amaguriken attack hit him. I don't believe this! I'm losing... to Ryoga Hibiki of all people! Finally his air tour across the Dojo was ended by the wall. He struggled to his feet. "T-this is far from over!"  
  
"Fine by me! You can be my guinea pig!" Ryoga-chan sped forward with a speed that defied description (OK, so I just can't be bothered to describe it - so sue me.) before hitting Ranma with her battle aura. Thank you, Mr Saotome... Flipping over his head, she turned to face him. "Done yet, Ranma?" she teased lightly.  
  
I can't move!! Ranma thought, desperately trying to will his limbs to do what he wanted. How did he do that?!! I've only ever seen Pops and the old freak do that before!  
  
"Ranma? What's wrong?" Ryoga-chan walked around him in a circle, slightly bemused. Is that technique really that good?!! "Why aren't you attacking? Have you given up?" She waved a hand in front of his face. "Stop kidding and fight me! I'm not done yet!" She stepped backwards. He can't be done... he always beats me! "Snap out of it!"  
  
"R-Ryoga..." Ranma forced enough life in his arm to raise it a little. There is no way I will ever admit defeat to him! Especially not when he's a GIRL!!! "T-thank's for the little speech..." Talking became easier as he continued. "Really inspiring."  
  
"Are you going to fight me or not?" Ryoga-chan stood ready. "I'm not going to attack when you're frozen like that."  
  
"Oh, I'm gonna fight you, all right!" Ranma wiped his face. "And I will win! No matter what!"  
  
Ryoga-chan gave him one of those irritated looks. "Not too cocky now, are we?" She shook her head. "I should've taken you out when you were frozen."  
  
"Too late now! KATSU TENSHIN AMARGURIKEN REVISED!!!" Ranma started hitting at the wooden floor of the Dojo.  
  
"Huh?" Ryoga-chan stepped backwards. "You just did this... OWOWOWOWOW!!!" Jumping away, she examined her arm in surprise. "Splinters?"  
  
"Incredible!" shouted Soun, jumping to his feet. He grabbed a microphone from somewhere. "He's using the Chestnut Fist to turn the floor into splintered wood, hitting it at an angle so that the wood splinters fly through the air, striking his opponent!!! Truly, it is a marvel to behold!!!"  
  
Genma beamed proudly. "That's why he's my son."  
  
"Well, all I can say is, he'd better pay for the floor to be repaired." Soun brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Or OWOWOW!!! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE AIMING!!!"  
  
Ranma glanced at him. "Sorry." He smirked at Ryoga-chan. "Give up yet, little girl?"  
  
"You have got to be kidding." Ryoga-chan smirked back. "I've got a new trick for you, too."  
  
"Wha... ANOTHER?!!!"  
  
"BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!!" Ryoga-chan struck the floor with her index finger. "Watch."  
  
A loud rumbling noise filled the room. Ranma looked around nervously. "What's that noise?" A geyser erupting from the floor answered his question. "Whatcha do THAT for?!!"  
  
"KATSU TENSHIN AMARGURIKEN AND ICE STORM REVISED!!!" Ryoga-chan jumped into the air at began striking at the water. Where her hands hit the water, they turned it into ice. Ice, which went hurtling towards Ranma in the form of icicles, icebergs and plain ice chunks.  
  
"Wha.. hey! Ow! Ouch!" Ranma tried to dodge. Which worked for a while, until he slipped on the icy floor. Then he found himself hammered by ice shrapnel. "Quit it!"  
  
"Amazing! He used the Ice Storm technique to turn the water into ice, which he used against Ranma with the Chestnut Fist!" cried Genma through a megaphone. (Neriman sound systems. I want one!!) "Are you sure you don't want him to marry one of your other daughters?"  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Nabiki shouted. "Don't you go putting ideas in Daddy's head!"  
  
Ryoga-chan walked over to where Ranma lay, using the weather techniques to melt the ice with each step. I-I don't believe this... I'm actually winning!!! She bowed her head slightly. "This is the reason I came to Nerima... finally, I can really do it!!! She looked down at Ranma. "Do you surrender?"  
  
Ranma glared up at her. "No way, Hibiki!" He climbed unsteadily to his feet.  
  
"Good." Ryoga-chan closed her eyes, recalling how the Chaos Butterflies manipulated the weather. She moved her hands, and the icy water from the geyser spiraled around her. "FINAL ATTACK!!! HYRUU SHOTEN HA REVISED!!!"  
  
Ranma screamed.  
  
Tsubasa looked at his reflection in the mirror. I didn't want to do this, Ukyo, but if that's what it takes to make you mine, I'll do it. He raised his fist high. "I'll do ANYTHING for you!!!" he cried, sun bursting in the background behind the tsunami waves. "Anything at all!!!"  
  
As quickly as they appeared, the sun and the waves vanished and Tsubasa was surrounded by a murky blackness. "I-I'd even..." Tsubasa closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "Even ... kill for you."  
  
The normal surroundings faded back into existence. "But today, let's just try..." He stuck his tongue out at the mirror. "Dressing as a guy."  
  
Shampoo looked around the darkened restaurant. "We done, great-grandmother? Shampoo can go see Ryoga now, yes?"  
  
Mousse growled and tightened his grip on his chopsticks.  
  
Cologne nodded. "Are you sure you don't want to take a love potion with you? Just a weak one?"  
  
"No thank you, Shampoo no trust love potions. Always backfire." Shampoo grinned. "I win Ryoga's love all on own."  
  
The chopsticks snapped. I really, REALLY hate Hibiki now.  
  
Demons. Ghouls. Things that go bump in the night. They attacked when you least expected it, when your guard was down, when you just thought it was safe outside. Merdith waited, biding her time, waiting for the guard to fall. She watched Ryoga-chan from the shadows, hatred and fear shown by darker shadows. She couldn't risk trying to take her - it would be too dangerous. She didn't dare take any risks, Percicus had done that and been defeated. She and Jodie were the last ones left. She had to wait, to find someone who she could use. She moved back into the darkest shadows again as the eldest Tendo daughter passed her, walking towards the telephone. Too weak. And too suspicious. She's no good.  
  
Kasumi hung up the telephone and re-entered the wrecked Dojo. "The repairmen will be here soon, Father. Really, there's no need to cry." She looked at the hole in the ceiling. "Oh my. Hasn't Ranma landed yet?"  
  
Genma shook his head. "That last move was.... Amazing!" He grabbed the microphone again. "He used the Heavenly Dragon Ascension Wave to.... do something." He looked at Ryoga-chan. "What did you do to Ranma?"  
  
He has power... but he is still too weak. Another...  
  
Ryoga-chan winced as she pulled another splinter out of her arm. "It's a secret." She jumped to her feet. "Where did Ranma go? Surely he should have landed by now..." She gasped. He must be on the roof or something, thinking of a way to defeat me! I'm doo..  
  
CRASH  
  
med. Ryoga-chan blinked. "Huh? Ranma?" She walked over to him and poked him with her toe. "Ranma? Are you OK? Did I win?"  
  
Genma appeared by her side and looked at his son. "I think you won."  
  
"What?!!" Ryoga-chan shook her head. "But the Takahashi goddess states that Ranma always wins!" She shook Ranma. "Hey, you! Wake up!"  
  
Genma pushed her aside and grabbed Ranma by the collar. "WAKE UP, SON!!!!" He slapped him a few times. "The laws of reality are at stake! How dare you lose?!!!"  
  
Akane pushed Genma aside. "Stop it, you're being ridiculous!" he looked at Ranma's unconscious body. "Let him rest."  
  
Maybe. She has potential... and it would be fun to break him with the woman he holds so dear... Merdith thought about it for a little longer. It was an interesting idea, certainly. Let the girl sneak past his defenses and strike him where it hurt. She studied the situation for a moment, then paused. It wouldn't work - he was too shy, he'd push away anyone who tried to get close, and she didn't have the time or the patience to try and worm her way into his heart. Nah. She'd just have to try someone else...  
  
Ryoga-chan shoved Genma aside again. "So I won?!! I really won?!!!"  
  
Genma nodded solemnly. "That would appear so. Unless.." He grabbed Ranma by the collar again. "WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT!!!!"  
  
"Mr Saotome!" Akane whacked him with her mallet. "Can't you see he's hurt?!!!"  
  
"I... really won?!!!" Ryoga-chan stood dazed for a moment, before a huge grin appeared on her face. "YATTA!!!" She jumped into the air, Chun-Li style, bouncing up and down in glee. Happy flowers appeared around her. "I WON! I WON!!!" Tears streamed down her face. "This is the happiest day of my life!!!"  
  
Soun shook his head. "It really means that much to him?"  
  
Nabiki nodded. "You should've seen it when he first arrived here. The carnage was terri- WOAH! Put me DOWN!"  
  
Ryoga-chan ignored her yells and spun her and Kasumi around. "I'm so happy!!! Hahahaa!!!"  
  
"Ryoga, put me down or I'll puke!!"  
  
"Oh my. I'm getting dizzy."  
  
Akane watched Ryoga happily prance around the Dojo, with a slight smile on her face. In a way.. I'm happy for you, Ryoga. She looked down at Ranma and the smile faded. Poor Ranma...  
  
Ranma groaned and slowly opened his eyes. "A-Akane?"  
  
"Ranma, are you all right?" Akane asked in concern. "Do you want me to call Doctor Tofu?"  
  
"With Kasumi here?! Are you crazy?!" Ranma sat up and rubbed the back of his head, looking around at the wreckage and Ryoga-chan merrily swinging his father around in the air. H-he won... I don't believe it...  
  
Him! He's perfect! Merdith grinned and slipped forward for closer inspection. She should've known. Ranma Saotome, the lifelong rival of Ryoga Hibiki. There was the perfect excuse to attack, plus the added advantage that killing Hibiki in his body meant that the other women who chased relentlessly after him would be deterred somewhat, leaving the field clear for Kodachi. They'll die anyway... The thought sent ripples of pleasure through her. It was a long time since she'd killed someone. True, she often made attempts to kill Mr Lutz in his wife's body. She'd never succeeded. Oh yes, and she'd driven the DeFeo boy insane, to the point where he'd murdered his whole family, but she hadn't been there to help, to control him. But there was raw power in this town, power Kodachi had given them access to. I'll kill them all... but I'll kill Hibiki first."  
  
Ryoga-chan caught sight of Ranma and ran over. "Ah! Ranma!"  
  
GLOMP  
  
"HEY! Get OFF me, you idiot!!" Ranma yelled. "You're hurting me!"  
  
Ryoga-chan released her grip on Ranma and bounced around on her toes. "Sorry." She grinned happily. "Are you all right? I didn't know it'd be that good."  
  
Ranma nodded. "I'll be fine... just how did you do all that?"  
  
"Secret techniques." She bounced a few more times before gaining a little control. "Maybe I'll tell you another day." The perky grin grew even wider. "I'm going back to Ucchans now, see ya!" She waved cheerily before disappearing in search of a mirror.  
  
Seeing her run off, Merdith moved forwards, waiting to pounce.  
  
Genma waited for a moment before addressing his son. "So boy, what are you going to do?"  
  
Ranma tried to think. On one hand, it was just so utterly humiliating that he, Ranma Saotome, had been defeated by Ryoga Hibiki - in female for and in front of an audience, no less! - that he just wanted to crawl into a hole and nurse his wounded ego before hunting him down and pounding him into the floor.  
  
But on the other hand, there was a part of him that insisted he should just leave it. Maybe, just maybe, Ryoga would now finally stop hassling him and he could live in relative peace.  
  
Yeah. Right. And pigs would fly.  
  
Reaching out with long, ghostly fingers, she entered his mind.  
  
Still, it seemed like a far more inviting prospect than hunting down the lost boy and challenging him to a rematch.  
  
To a rematch? What a good idea...  
  
The thought rose unbidden in Ranma's mind, and he shook his head, puzzled. But I don't want to fight him again. He has new power.  
  
He humiliated you. In front of Akane.  
  
But...  
  
I'll give you the power. The raw energy he used against you, it's here. I'll give it to you. To use against him.  
  
Ranma's eyes widened. "Who are you?"  
  
"Ranma? Are you feeling all right?" Akane peered at him in worry.  
  
He blinked in confusion. "Huh? Y-yeah, I'm fine..."  
  
His tone lacked conviction as the silky voice whispered temptingly in his mind. I'm only trying to help you. I'm a friend.  
  
"F-friend?"  
  
Akane blinked. "I think maybe we should call Dr Tofu.  
  
Don't speak. I can hear you if you just think. Merdith began to work her spell into Ranma. I want to help you fight him.  
  
Fight... Ryoga? Ranma thought muzzily.  
  
Yes. Just promise me you'll challenge him again. I'll teach you how to use the power against him and you can have your pride back.  
  
It was so inviting... defeat Ryoga and get the title of Nerima's greatest martial artist back. Ranma felt his resolve melting. The owner of the voice would help him, teach him how to use that energy against Ryoga and win the battle. What is the energy?  
  
Spiritual energy. Didn't you know? Nerima is the greatest source of pent-up spiritual energy in the universe. That's why strange things always happen here. Merdith was taking control and she knew it. Just a little nudge...  
  
Very well. I'll challenge him again. Ranma jumped to his feet and walked out of the room, ignoring the stares of everyone around him.  
  
Skuld looked up as Tsubasa and Shampoo entered the restaurant. "They're not here," she half-lied, pouring two cups of tea out. "Try again later." Just go away! She refrained from saying those words aloud, but hoped they'd take the hint. She couldn't have anyone else interfere.  
  
Ukyo poked her head around the door frame. "Who's not here? Oh. It's you two." She forced a smile in their direction.  
  
Skuld gritted her teeth. "Well, looks like Ukyo's here." There was a loud crash from upstairs and she winced. "And it sounds like Ryoga's back too." Wonderful. She quickly manoeuvred the tea over to another area and turned back in time to see Ryoga, back in his male form, run into the room with a huge grin on his face and sweep Ukyo into a big hug.  
  
Four jaws fell in shock.  
  
Skuld looked at the tea, then back to Ukyo and Ryoga. "Guess I don't need this any more," she muttered, placing the tray beside the grill and watching Ryoga swing Ukyo into the air, singing something in Greek. She glanced over at Shampoo and Tsubasa, who'd both slumped to their knees in shock, then back to the other two, still unable to believe her eyes. She sighed. You didn't have to be a technical genius to know that any second now, Ukyo was going to snap out of it and hit him. And when that happened, Shampoo and Tsubasa were going to snap out of it too and start attacking each other. Why can't the couples here be as simple and uncomplicated as Keiichi and Belldandy?  
  
Shampoo resisted the urge to break down and cry. Spurned again. Here she was, one of the most powerful Amazons in her tribe and once again she'd been pushed aside in favour of a violent brunette tomboy. It not fair... she thought numbly. Shampoo work so hard... She clenched her fists in anger, before letting out a shaky sigh. The tea cups on the side caught her eye. Shampoo could do with drink... What the hell. She was depressed, she was spurned, she was entitled to steal other peoples tea.  
  
Tsubasa took a few deep breaths and clenched his fists. Here he was, going to all the effort of dressing manly, and his darling Ukyo -HIS Ukyo - was in the arms of his hated rival. I'll kill him... I'LL KILL...  
  
"Drink?" Shampoo held out the other teacup. "Is much good."  
  
Tsubasa smiled faintly and took the cup from Shampoo. "Thanks."  
  
Skuld finally noticed the materialization of the tea into Shampoo and Tsubasa's grasps a moment too late. Oh.... She quickly pulled a screen from RentaPortal (TM) in front of herself and the still-embracing couple who'd obviously somehow gotten hold of the TimeDrive from Lister and Rimmer and were operating in a different time zone. For now.  
  
Shampoo looked at Tsubasa. Tsubasa looked at Shampoo. Somehow, their surroundings had been replaced by pink clouds and flowers in rolling meadow. (Meadows roll?) Neither of them noticed that the string quartet seemed rather out of place, they were too busy gazing into each others eyes.  
  
Tsubasa looked in wonder at the beautiful Amazon in front of him. How had he ever even thought about chasing after Ukyo when there was this gorgeous woman here in Japan? "Shampoo..." he breathed lovingly.  
  
Shampoo smiled happily at him. Right now, she couldn't have said "Ranma Saotome" or "Ryoga Hibiki" if someone had held up flashcards. Even in Chinese. How could she, when Tsubasa was giving her a look that turned her brain to the consistency of potato salad? "Oh, Tsubasa..."  
  
Tsubasa and Shampoo never had been the shy, demure types when it came to proclaiming their affections.  
  
A curse from Skuld finally brought Ukyo slowly back to reality. Sort of. Hastily blinking, she eventually realized she was being hugged. Not that it was a bad thing or anything, she quickly decided, a girl likes to feel appreciated every now and then. A nice, friendly hug was always a good ego boost and never failed to raise spirits. With a small smile, she looked up and assessed who was hugging her.  
  
Black, spiky hair.  
  
Green eyes.  
  
All too familiar, black and yellow bandanna.  
  
Ah. Ryoga. She was being hugged by Ryoga. Thankfully, there were no breasts at present. Closing her eyes, Ukyo leaned her head lightly against his chest.  
  
Reality finally hit fully and her eyes snapped open. She was being hugged by her jackass fiance! "Ryoga Hibiki, you have five seconds to unhand me, before I start hurting you in interesting ways," she snarled through gritted teeth, her temper rising.  
  
"Huh?" Ryoga eventually reached planet Earth and realized exactly what he was doing, and to who. "Eep!" He leapt away from her, face a fire engine red. "I'm sorry!! I-I didn't mean it like that - I-I mean I never.. I didn't..."  
  
"Oh, so hugging me was bad, was it?!" Ukyo felt her hackles rising (Just what are hackles, anyway?) for some unknown reason.  
  
"Well, believe me, it was just as unpleasant for me as it was for you!" Ryoga responded without thinking.  
  
"You... you... JACKASS!!!!" The raging fire oni took over Ukyo's body and moved forward to turn Ryoga into mulch.  
  
Skuld stepped in between them. "Would you guys cut it out? I'm trying to hear what they're saying," she hissed, peeping though a gap in the screens. Maybe Urd had given her a duff potion....  
  
"Wo ai ni."  
  
No such luck. So that's what she meant about them always, somehow, backfiring.  
  
Ryoga and Ukyo silently called a temporary truce and cautiously peered around the edge of the screen. "O-oh my!" Ukyo blushed and covered her eyes.  
  
THUMP No prizes for guessing who passed out with a nosebleed that would make Mt Etna proud.  
  
"H-hey, this is a public building! Get a room!" Skuld scolded.  
  
"Shampoo... will you marry me?" Tsubasa stopped kissing her long enough to actually phrase the question.  
  
"Aiya! Is so more romantic than defeat in battle! Yes!"  
  
GLOMP  
  
The happy couple drifted away on cloud nine to the Cat Café, oblivious to everything around them, causing cars to swerve in near misses as they casually strolled into the middle of the road, hand in hand.  
  
Skuld sighed slightly. "That's so sweet..."  
  
"Were you," Ukyo inquired. "Responsible for that?"  
  
Like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, Skuld froze. "Uh...."  
  
Much to her amazement, a giant smile appeared on the chefs face. "You got Tsubasa out of my hair! How can I ever thank you?!"  
  
The brunette goddess facefaulted.  
  
End Part XIV  
  
Final song - Against All Odds  
  
=============  
  
PART XV  
  
Never say Never.  
  
=============  
  
All three were so different, Tatewaki Kuno noted, yet each so perfect. He sighed and flipped through his photo album, trying vainly to make a decision.  
  
He stopped at one page and gazed adoringly at the photograph. The face of Akane Tendo looked back up at him. Dressed in a floral frock, she was frozen in frame as she cheerfully walking down the street, doing an errand for Kasumi. "Ah, Akane Tendo," he sighed happily. He flicked over to the next page and his gaze settled on the Pig-tailed girl. Dressed in her typical Chinese garb, she was caught in the midst of balancing on a fence as she dodged a panda. "The Pig-tailed girl..." His love for her was matched equally by his love, and he'd thought there was no room in his heart for another. With a sigh, he turned to the back pages, which were devoted entirely to photographs of the Bandannaed girl. He craved these photographs even more than the ones of Akane Tendo and the Pig-tailed girl, if only because of the fact that Nabiki seemed to have greater trouble obtaining them. He sighed with love as he gazed at her photographs, although a small part of him wondered why she almost always wore clothes which were far too large for her. Except for in his favourite photograph where she'd been wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie. Obviously too shy to show off her wares to him in person, she'd had Nabiki photograph her in it. "Ah... the Bandannaed girl." Aphrodite, Ariadne and Arachne. Three goddesses. Akane Tendo with her liquid brown eyes and short brown hair was as equally as beauteous as the Pigtailed girl with her sparkling blue eyes and long red hair, who was equally as beauteous as the Bandannaed girl with her deep green eyes and spiky black hair... "Each one is so different... HOWEVER SHALL I CHOOSE?!!!"  
  
As usual, he reached his verdict and rushed out of the house to purchase three bouquets of roses.  
  
SPLASH  
  
Ryoga-chan sat up with a gasp. "Why do you always have to do that to me?" she griped, wringing out her black T-shirt.  
  
"Because it works so well," Ukyo replied, pouring a waiting kettle over her head. When the transformation was complete, she hovered expectantly, nearby.  
  
"Uh... do you want something?" Ryoga asked after a few moments of silence.  
  
"Yeah." Ukyo moved in for the kill. "An explanation as to why you hugged me for starters."  
  
"Um..." The crimson blush instantly appeared on his face again. "Evil genetic clone? Twin brother? Nabiki's blackmailing me?" Delighted as he was to have finally beaten Ranma in a fair fight, he decided Ukyo would probably be less than happy to hear that he'd knocked the tar out of her ex-fiance. Fortunately, he was saved from having to answer by the arrival of Ranma. Unfortunately, Ranma spilled the beans anyway. "Ryoga Hibiki, I challenge you to a re-match!" He pointed his finger at Ryoga. "I shall never accept your victory over me!"  
  
Ukyo looked at them both in amazement. "You," she began, pointing to Ryoga, "won a fight against Ranchan?!" She finished by pointing at Ranma.  
  
"You don't have to sound so surprised!" Ryoga snapped.  
  
Ukyo sighed and turned to face Ranma. "Ranchan..." she began gently. "How much of Akane's cooking did you eat before he fought you?"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "None."  
  
Ukyo paused in consideration. "Then you", she pointed to Ryoga. "Must have cheated!!!"  
  
The demon head loomed over her. "I WON THAT CONTEST FAIR AND SQUARE!!!!!"  
  
"EEEEEEEEK!!!!!"  
  
Skuld appeared from the back room to see what all the commotion was about. "Could you keep it down a little, I'm trying to find a cure here!" she snapped.  
  
Ranma grinned arrogantly at Ryoga. "I hereby challenge you to a rematch. One week from today at noon in the soccer field at school."  
  
"What if I refuse?"  
  
The quiet question threw Ranma for a second before he recovered. "What?"  
  
"What if I refuse?" Ryoga settled down on a stool before continuing. "Your father and the Tendo's all saw us fight, they know I didn't cheat." He grinned. "If you accept your defeat, I won't mention it again. I'll even stop randomly attacking you." He paused for a second. "Except for when you mistreat Akane. How about it?"  
  
"No!" Ranma crossed his arms. "This is a matter of honour!"  
  
Skuld looked up and a look of confusion crossed her face as she looked at Ranma.  
  
"What this is, is a matter of you not liking the fact that you're not invincible", Ryoga shot back angrily.  
  
Merdith watched from the shadows and began to play with her puppet. Ranma smiled slowly. "You know, P-Chan..."  
  
"Don't call me that!"  
  
Ranma continued, ignoring the interruption and slowly walking over to Ryoga. "There's a certain Tendo girl who would pay large amounts of money to hear about a certain pet belonging to a certain other Tendo girl..."  
  
Ryoga paled considerably. "Y-you wouldn't dare!" he stammered.  
  
Skuld narrowed her eyes.  
  
"Wouldn't I?" Ranma smiled sinisterly. "Do you really want to take the chance?"  
  
"Ryoga..."  
  
Ryoga ignored the suddenly agitated goddess. "Then I accept your challenge," he said quietly.  
  
"Great!" The old, perky Ranma was back. "No backing out?"  
  
"No backing out."  
  
"Ryogaaaa!" Skuld buried her head in her hands. Damn, damn, DAMN!  
  
"Good. Now we'll discuss the terms." Ranma grinned merrily.  
  
Oops! Should've done the terms first! Ryoga though. Well, it was too late now. "OK, then, if I win again, you... uh..."  
  
"Akane?" Ranma queried.  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "She hates being the prize in fights, you know that. No, if I win..." Looking around, he spotted Ukyo and was hit by sudden inspiration. "You pay back Ucchan for all the food you've freeloaded from her."  
  
"Huh?!" Ukyo looked surprised. She laughed nervously. "No, It's OK..."  
  
"I agree," Ranma declared, cutting her off. "But if I win..." He paused for dramatic effect. "If I win, you leave Nerima." He leaned forward. "For good."  
  
Mousse stormed out of the Cat Café, a dark rage radiating from him. Minuets earlier, his beloved had returned home with a man who she'd decided she loved, who, worse still, returned the affections. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was a normal man. But no, it had to be the cross-dresser who'd been chasing after Ukyo for so long. When he'd attempted to kill him though, Shampoo had grabbed the nearest weapon - a bazooka - and calmly stated that if he so much as harmed a hair on the head of her Tsubasa, he'd have his guts pumped full of lead.  
  
Now he thought about it, it was obvious. Ryoga and Ukyo were sick to death of other people interfering in their relationship and had decided to remove the obstacles with a love potion. While he was off now to kill them, he had to admit he was impressed. Love potions had a horrible tendency to backfire.  
  
He pushed open the door to Ucchans. "Hibiki, Kuonji, say your farewells because today is the day you shall repent for your sins against humanity!" It hadn't taken him long to think of that.  
  
"That would've been a marvelous entrance, if not for the fact that I'm Skuld." She decided now would not be the greatest time to tell him that he'd just ruined the cure to the love potion by spilling it all down her shirt front. Reaching over, she knocked the glasses back over his eyes. "Ryoga and Ukyo are over there, arguing."  
  
Mousse fumed. If they'd put so much effort into getting rid of their rivals, the least they could do was pretend they were a happy couple.  
  
The argument grew louder as he drew closer. "You can't, you're injured!"  
  
"That's why I have a week to prepare, dummy!"  
  
"You don't have to do this." Ukyo tried again.  
  
"Yes I do." Ryoga crossed his arms.  
  
Mousse ran forward. "Hibiki, Kuonji, prepare..."  
  
KAPOW  
  
He flew backwards out of the restaurant onto the pavement. Undaunted, he jumped to his feet and ran back inside. "To die!"  
  
"I'll prove I'm fine." Ryoga stood ready.  
  
KAPOW  
  
Mousse made another airborne exit through the door and stood up again. "I could have..."  
  
KAPOW  
  
Repeat the above action, except this time, Mousse is a bit more battered.  
  
"Accepted it in time if.."  
  
KAPOW  
  
Pause, then repeat again.  
  
"You'd pretended you..."  
  
KAPOW  
  
I don't need to explain again, do I?  
  
"Were getting along..."  
  
KAPOW  
  
"But I just wanna..."  
  
KAPOW  
  
"Ask you why..."  
  
KAPOW  
  
"You didn't make it me she chose!"  
  
Ukyo scowled at Ryoga as Mousse made yet another charge for them. "I don't need you to protect me!"  
  
"Who said I was doing that?!"  
  
"If he comes my way, I can handle him."  
  
Ryoga batted Mousse away and looked at her in astonishment. "Of course he's coming your way, I'm right by you!"  
  
Ukyo shrugged. "So move away from me."  
  
"Don't be a dummy, he'll attack you."  
  
"I thought you said you weren't protecting me," Ukyo jibed.  
  
Ryoga bristled. "You don't need protecting, you need restraining."  
  
CLANNNNNNNNG  
  
"JERK!"  
  
CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG CLANG  
  
Mousse wobbled into the restaurant just in time to see the Ukyo fire oni pound Ryoga into the floor. "Um... I'll come back later..."  
  
SPLASH  
  
Ryoga-chan sat up with a sharp intake of breath as she was splashed with icy water for the second time that night. "Don't DO that! Are you trying to slowly murder me through pneumonia or something?!"  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Withdraw from the duel with Ranchan... please?"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at Ukyo in surprise. Is she... worried.. about me?! For some reason, that made her feel strange. She blushed lightly and fixed her gaze on the floor. "Umm..."  
  
Ukyo continued blithely. "I mean, you couldn't even stand up against me, so you obviously haven't got a chance against a superior martial artist like him."  
  
Her fuse finally blowing out, Ryoga-chan jumped to her feet, casually kicking her trousers to one side. "For your information, I totally wiped the floor with your dear Ranchan - As A Girl - and I'll do it again, you got that?!"  
  
Tatewaki Kuno chose that second to enter at full speed through the door. He grasped hold of Ryoga-chan's hands, kneeling down in front of her. "Yes! Smite him again, my beloved!!! I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, have complete and total faith in you!"  
  
"Uh..." Sweatdrops appeared on Ukyo and Ryoga-chan's heads.  
  
"Ah, see how my words of pure love have rendered her speechless." He produced a bouquet of red roses and plonked them in her arms. "Let it be heard now, that if he harms one hair on your head, I shall rise to your defence in the name of love! I also shall seek out vengeance against the one who has been as foolish as to scar your beautiful face."  
  
Ryoga-chan shrugged. If Ranma could use his girl side to get what he wanted, so could she. She put on her very best kawaii face and batted her eyelashes at him. "O-oh, Kuno- sempai! You'd really do that for me?"  
  
"I'm going to puke," Ukyo mumbled.  
  
Ryoga-chan ignored her and gave Kuno a fang-toothed grin. "I'm so.. so... MOVED!!" she squealed, quickly punching out as he moved forward to glomp her. This goon could actually be useful.. she noted.  
  
"My love, for you I would do anything!" Kuno proclaimed, moving forward and once again meeting an unyielding fist.  
  
"Goody. Now get lost, I have to train." Satisfied, she punted him through the roof before tossing the roses aside.  
  
Ukyo picked up the bouquet. "You should really put these in some water, you know. They're nice."  
  
"Yeah?" Ryoga-chan shrugged. "You can keep them if you want."  
  
I'd rather be given flowers that aren't hand-me-downs she thought. "I prefer white roses."  
  
"Oh." Ryoga-chan carefully stored that piece of information. "White roses."  
  
"Not that it's important or anything," Ukyo said hastily. She quickly changed the subject. "That was a sickening display."  
  
"You mean the acting?" Ryoga-chan said neutrally. "Or the fact that he thinks I'm as good as Ranma?"  
  
"A mild delusion, I'm sure. Ranchan never loses."  
  
Ryoga-chan's short-fused temper blew again. "Well at least SOMEONE has a little faith in my ability! Ranma isn't some sort of invincible god, y'know! He still loses to Mr Saotome and Happosai and Cologne - he just wins the fights that count!" Instantly all the blood drained from her face.  
  
The Takahashi goddess states that Ranma Saotome never loses... the fights that really matter.  
  
And if this fight didn't matter, then she was a Samurai Pizza Cat.  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!" With a wail of dismay, she pounded her fist against the wall.  
  
Ukyo jumped back in alarm. "Ryoga, what is it?!"  
  
"I'm going to lose anyway. It's a universal law," Ryoga-chan said in a dismal voice, before running up the stairs to her room. I've lost before I've even started," she thought hopelessly. This is going to be my last week in Nerima. Ever.  
  
After a few moments, Ukyo decided to pay her oldest friend a visit.  
  
Mousse grabbed hold of the person in front of him. "I've got you at last, Ryoga Hibiki!"  
  
"Excuse me, Sir?" Mihoshi was very confused. "My name's Mihoshi. Ryoga Hibiki lives at Ucchans okonomiyaki restaurant, which is closed at the moment because it's getting late, but I guess if you're a friend of his, you'd be allowed right in..."  
  
Mousse pulled his glasses back over his eyes. "You're not Hibiki!"  
  
"I thought I just said that." Mihoshi gave him a surprisingly Kasumi-like smile. "You see, I can't be Ryoga because I'm a girl and Ryoga's a guy, or at least he is most of time, it's not like he's a girl through his own choosing..."  
  
"HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" What the hell. It took a lot less time to think up.  
  
Mihoshi's Galaxy Police Training kicked in. "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BUSTER!!!" she roared, pulling out her laser pistol.  
  
Mousse stopped dead and turned to face her. "Uh... what," he began, pointing to the pistol, "are you doing with that thing?!!"  
  
Mihoshi held the pistol rigidly. "I can't let you kill Ryoga. If you even attempt to harm him, I'll use this." Her voice began to crack. "Please don't make me use it, because that'll really hurt and I don't want to have to do it!"  
  
Mousse looked at her for a few moments. "Ah! You were that girl in the hospital room who Shampoo called a Bubble-head, aren't you?"  
  
Mihoshi fumed. "Hmph. She should look in a mirror when she says that."  
  
"ARE YOU CALLING SHAMPOO A BUBBLE-HEAD?!!!" People looked nervously at each other and began to clear the area.  
  
"YES, I'M CALLING THAT CHINESE BIMBETTE A BUBBLE-HEAD!!!"  
  
"OH, YEAH?!! BIMBETTE?!!" Mousse snorted. "Pot calling kettle black here."  
  
"WATCH WHO YOU'RE CALLING A BIMBETTE, GIRLYBOY!!!" Mihoshi snarled.  
  
"GIRLYBOY?!!!" Battle auras lit up the street. "At least I don't turn into a nauseatingly, kawaii midget girl!"  
  
"No." Mihoshi stopped.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
The battle aura flared again. "You just LOOK like one!!!!  
  
"So there's a demon controlling Ranma?" Ryoga lay on his back on the futon, although for some obscure reason, he had his feet on the pillow and his head where his feet would normally be.  
  
Mini-Skuld nodded. "I did try to warn you," she reminded him.  
  
Ryoga sighed. "I guess I'll have to deal with that as soon as possible. Can you distract Ucchan?"  
  
"She's not in. Lets go now while it's still light out.  
  
A few minutes later, Magical Guy Makoto was bouncing carefully across rooftops towards the Tendo Dojo. "You know, I feel like a total idiot in this getup."  
  
"You look great. In fact, my big sister Urd is a big fan of yours. She keeps asking me to get your autograph."  
  
"Urgh! I keep getting people crowding around me during the day...someone is bound to recognize me sooner or later." Ryoga sighed. First he'd started out by just being weird, with his sense of direction. Then he'd gotten cursed. Then he'd discovered he wasn't even human. Then he'd become a sex-changing super-hero/ heroine. It was bad enough when people knew the first one or two of those things. He wanted to keep the others secret. No need to alienate people further. What a pick-up line that would be, he thought sourly. Hi, my name's Ryoga Hibiki. I'm also that masked super hero you have posters of on your locker doors. Plus, I go by the name of Magical Girl Ryoko. And I'm only partly human. Noooo. That could definitely stay a secret.  
  
"No-body will recognize you. It's like a built in natural defence thing. Like Sailor Moon. Pigtails like that should get you spotted like that." She snapped her fingers. "But they don't. Somewhere out there is a girl with one blonde pigtail hacked off who looks identical to Sailor Moon. But nobody will ever know it's her. Of course, sometimes there will be the odd person who finds out." She grinned. "But trust me. Even with those cuts down your face, no-one..."  
  
"You can still see them?!!" Ryoga raised a hand to his face, unconsciously running his ringers along the narrow slash marks. He groaned. "That's it. I'm done for. The second someone turns a light on, they're gonna know it's me. And with Nabiki Tendo in the area, the whole city would know by midday tomorrow!"  
  
"And yet you plough onwards," Skuld joked.  
  
Ryoga made a face. "Of course. If I get rid of this demon, then he might just forget about this rematch... or at least change the terms a little." Skuld nodded silently as he continued. "Why on Earth does he have a cosmic law concerning his fights?"  
  
"I have no idea."  
  
Arriving at the Dojo, Ryoga looked around apprehensively. "Do you feel it?"  
  
Skuld frowned. "There's something wrong.. it's too widespread."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
At the same moment, the shadows erupted around his ankles. "She means I'm everywhere around you!" The voice wasn't loud, but it had the effect of sending shivers racing down the lost boy's spine.  
  
With a yell of surprise, Ryoga found himself sinking into the black shadows that oozed around him.  
  
"You truly think I would've been as naive as to stay inside that body and not set a trap?" Merdith chuckled lightly. This was too easy! How had the others all managed to fail? The ShadowDemon lightly ran a finger along his jawbone. "Look what the cat brought in."  
  
She's toying with me... but for how long? Ryoga realized as he struggled to free his arms, but to no avail.  
  
"Sweet dreams, little one." Merdith was impressed. Most people gave in to the shadows within seconds, eventually realizing that it would end all their fear and pain. But this one was still struggling violently. "Close your eyes and go to sleep..."  
  
End Part XV  
  
Final song - In The Air Tonight  
  
============= 


	9. Chapter 2 Parts 16 to End of Chapter

PART XVI  
  
Shadow Puppets.  
  
=============  
  
PS - I apologize in advance about the fact that I suck at writing fight scenes.  
  
"CHARGE!!!"  
  
Cologne once again dodged the postbox, which once again, crashed into the wall. It lay there for a moment before climbing to it's feet. The old woman's eyes widened slightly. "Not bad. Not bad indeed. You may not be the most skilled of warriors, but you have an obnoxiously high level of endurance."  
  
"So I can marry Shampoo, right?" Tsubasa asked again.  
  
Cologne thought for a moment. She could tell that it was obviously a love potion that had gotten the two together, but she was getting heartily sick of all the fiance chasing. Shampoo adored Tsubasa, Tsubasa adored Shampoo and once they got to China, she could always get some shampoo 114 and make them believe that they'd always been in love, just in case the potion wore off. Ah.... She could almost smell the air of China already... clean and refreshing .... With undertones of rotting vegetables. With a small frown, she sniffed a little harder. "What's that smell?"  
  
The source of the strange smell was revealed a moment later as Mousse slowly walked into the restaurant, covered in garbage.  
  
"What happened to you?!" Cologne asked in slight concern. After all, the boy was still an Amazon.  
  
Mousse shook his head a little. "I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled. "I'm going to take a bath, OK?"  
  
This was very strange. Mousse had entered, not glomped anything, not declared his love to the furniture and not gone ballistic at Tsubasa. Ah yes, Tsubasa. The old lady turned to he boy. "I have made my decision."  
  
"Yes, honoured Elder?" Tsubasa asked hopefully. He had been carefully warned by Shampoo about respect for the old lady and had bitten off the urge to refer to ghouls and mummies. A point in his favour.  
  
Cologne smiled. "Call me ... Great-Grandmother... Son-in-Law."  
  
Shampoo had obviously been listening at the door. She charged through it (And by this, I mean she charged through the actual door, and not the doorframe) and glomped Tsubasa happily. "Aiya! Shampoo so very, very happy! We go back China..."  
  
"China?" Tsubasa thought about it for a second as Shampoo continued.  
  
"Go back China, get married, make lots of babies!" That made up his mind.  
  
"AFTER you're married!" Cologne reminded the pair as they left the room, hand in hand. She sighed. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart. Unfortunately, she had far more pressing matters to deal with - such as how to get Tsubasa, Shampoo and Mousse to China without Mousse attempting to rip Tsubasa into tiny shreds. Nothing came to mind.  
  
Ah well. She'd just have to leave him to make his own way back.  
  
Mousse continued to fume as he soaked in the tub. Girlyboy... HA! He was twice... no, TEN times the man Hibiki was. How dare that dizzy idiot call him that?!!  
  
He sighed and toyed with his hair. OK, so maybe she wasn't a dizzy idiot. But she was definitely lucky. He'd launched a flying kick at her, and at the last moment she had the utmost luck to slip over! He'd gone sailing over her head and straight into a garbage cart. And she'd started laughing at him! If he hadn't had the unfortunate luck to fall out of the cart and into a puddle, she'd have been laughing on the other side of her face.  
  
Mousse didn't usually fight girls. But she'd REALLY irked him.  
  
Nobody called Mousse more of a girl than Hibiki and got away with it.  
  
Ukyo looked pleadingly at Ranma. "PLEASE just change the terms, that's all I'm asking. You can still fight him."  
  
Ranma was torn for a moment. Then Merdith's dark spell took over and he shook his head again. "I said no, Ucchan, and I mean no. A warrior doesn't go back on his word, you know that. Besides, the higher the stakes, the greater the motivation." He made a face. "I finally figured out that's how Nabiki always wins at Monopoly." He gave her an arrogant grin. "Besides, why are ya all worried about him?"  
  
Ukyo sighed and looked at the floor. Her hair fell over her face. "He's always been alone, hasn't he? Even when he could find his own house he was still alone." She lifted up her face slightly. "All his friends are here, in Nerima. All the friends he's ever had." She gazed imploringly at her oldest friend. "After a lifetime of loneliness, are you going to take away the first friends he's had in years?"  
  
Ranma looked at her in amazement. "You ARE worried about him!"  
  
Ukyo flushed. "I am NOT! It's just... I've spent most of my life alone too. And I know I'd be really upset if I was never able to see my friends again."  
  
Ranma looked bored. "He's a big boy. He'll be fine. And who knows, he might be really lucky and win." He leaned over and patted on the shoulder. "And if he doesn't, well, you get rid of one freeloading, unwanted fiance."  
  
Ukyo stiffened. "Maybe I happen to like having freeloading, unwanted fiances, you ever think of that?" She stood up, her gaze stony. "I liked the last one well enough, didn't I? And somehow, he still manages to keep control of my life." With that, she stalked out of the Dojo, leaving Ranma sitting behind her, stunned into silence.  
  
As soon as she was outside, Ukyo leaned against the wall of the Dojo and tried to gather her jumbled thoughts into focus. She'd actually said that she liked having that idiot jackass Ryoga around. It was true. She really did like having him around in the restaurant. But what had Ryoga meant by saying "I'm going to lose anyway, it's a universal law?" If he lost then that meant she'd never see him again. I DO like my unwanted, freeloading, idiotic jackass of a fiance she silently admitted. Not as much as she liked her wanted- but-ex fiance, Ranma Saotome, she quickly reminded herself. Even though she'd sort-of chosen Ryoga at the moment. ONLY at the moment she reminded herself sternly. She still loved Ranchan... Speaking of which, I'd better emphasize the fact that I'm still interested, before he thinks that I don't want him anymore.  
  
Although, Ranma hadn't ever really treated her as more than a friend... kind of like the way Akane treated Ryoga, except Ranma knew she loved him and Akane hadn't the faintest idea that Ryoga loved her.  
  
poof  
  
A little devil appeared on her shoulder. "You know Ranma just likes you as a friend."  
  
She frowned. "Shut up, you."  
  
"He never even hugged you or anything, not like Ryoga did today."  
  
"You shut that up, Right Now," Ukyo spluttered. She forced the disturbingly pleasing memory out of her head.  
  
poof  
  
A little angel appeared on her other shoulder. "Uh... why are you here?" it asked the devil.  
  
"Isn't thinking about two guys at the same time a bad thing?" the devil asked, evidently confused.  
  
The angel shrugged. "I didn't think it counted if she was trying to reach a good outcome."  
  
"Would you two knock it off?!" Ukyo hissed. "I don't know why you're even doing this. Ranma-honey's the only one for me!  
  
The devil shook it's head and sighed. "Ah, to hell with this. Lets just go consult the handbook."  
  
poof  
  
poof  
  
Ukyo shook her head. "That was very strange." She massaged her skull. "Very, very strange."  
  
Akane appeared around the corner. "Ukyo! Hi! What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to talk to Ranchan about his rematch with Ryoga." She wisely decided not to mention what was at stake. Akane was far too likely to use her mass weaponry on her fiance and scream a lot. Which really wouldn't help much.  
  
"Ranma want's a rematch?!" Akane looked shocked. "Is he crazy?!!"  
  
Ukyo shrugged. "Why? How close was the fight?" They walked down the corridor towards Akane's room and stopped outside the door.  
  
"Come on it, I'll tell you all the details. And," she added, eyes twinkling. "I got a few magazines today with some great pictures of Magical Guy Makoto."  
  
Ukyo immediately responded. "Now you have my attention!" she said with a grin. "If there was one guy who had a chance of stealing my heart away from Ranchan, it would have to be him," she gushed merrily, picking up a magazine.  
  
"A little star struck, are we, Ukyo?" Akane teased.  
  
Ukyo bopped her over the head with the mag. "Hey! It's not like I'm a lovesick teen from Osaka or something! It's a little different when you've actually been rescued by the guy."  
  
Akane nodded. "I know how you mean. So how many times has he rescued you now?"  
  
"About six. And his sister's rescued me twice." Ukyo flicked through the pages and came to a stop on one. "It's strange. Those two always seem to work so close to each other, but you never see both at the same time. I wonder why."  
  
Akane frowned. "Really? There has to be a photo of the two of them together somewhere." She began leafing through one too. "See if you can find one."  
  
A few minutes later they gave up. "Ah, well. It's not like it matters." Akane picked up a mag with a large glossy photo of Magical Girl Ryoko, a slight scowl on her face.  
  
Ukyo spotted it. "What's up?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, it's nothing really." She sighed and put the magazine down. "Ranma thinks she's kawaii."  
  
Ukyo shrugged. "It's not like he's gonna need rescuing from her!"  
  
Akane laughed a little. "He'd probably end up rescuing her." The smile was suddenly replaced by a frown. "And she'd fall for him and he'd fall for her and I'd have no-one."  
  
"There's always Makoto."  
  
Akane laughed again and this time the smile remained. "Hey, what does Ryoga think of the new magical girl?"  
  
Ukyo smiled. "He said she's really pretty but he prefers brown hair to black." She deliberately left out the part where he'd mentioned liking long haired girls. Because we have to make another Akane and Ranma splitup plan, she quickly decided. We haven't done that for ages. Wouldn't be right for Akane to think that he didn't like her because she had short hair. She leaned against the window and looked out at the sunset. "Isn't it pretty out tonight..."  
  
"Yeah." Akane pressed her nose against the glass and squinted down at the lawn. She frowned. "Is that baka Ranma fighting with his father again? Daddy told them not to until the walls were fixed." She pulled out her transdimensional mallet. "We'd better go stop them before any more damage gets done."  
  
Ukyo nodded slowly, a large sweatdrop appearing on her forehead as she wondered how the mallet was supposed to prevent damage.  
  
Merdith watched with nothing short of horror on her face as the binding spell cast by Skuld held long enough for Ryoga to pull himself out of the shadows. "Can't we just talk about this?" she pleaded gently, trying to cast her spell over his mind.  
  
"No. We can't. We can end it now." Ryoga raised his wand before adding "And I don't like to play with the prey." That was all the demons were, parasites preying on human emotions and sometimes even human flesh. He felt no joy in his work and didn't like to prolong it.  
  
The next thing he knew, he was being slammed in the back of the head. Stars flashed before his eyes. Must be an accomplice.... he thought, trying his hardest to remain conscious. He wondered why the words "Ranma, you jerk!" were bouncing through his head. Maybe he'd ended up in Ranma's body again. Yuk! That had been horrible just once.  
  
Next thing he knew, he was being held tightly. "Akane, you idiot!" a voice (far too) near his ear yelled. "You just whacked out Magical Guy Makoto!"  
  
It can't be... He forced his eyes open and looked up. "Ucch.." he caught himself. "Uh.. Ukyo?"  
  
Ukyo almost dropped him instantly. "Oh, I'm sorry! Are you all right? Did she hit you hard?"  
  
"Not too hard..." Ryoga managed, before closing his eyes and wincing at the pain in his head. "OK, so that was pretty hard." He groaned and snuggled back into Ukyo arms. If she ever finds out it's you, she'd going to kill you very slowly for this, a small voice warned him. Ryoga ignored it. His head hurt, the spell was catching up to him and he was just so very comfortable...  
  
"WAKE UP YOU MORON!!!!!"  
  
Ryoga jumped to his feet, startled by the concealed Mini-Skuld's shriek. "Where did she go?" he asked carefully.  
  
"She slipped off when Akane and Ukyo made their dramatic appearance," she reported. "Keep a sharp eye out and try to get those two back to some sort of safety."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"Put your mask back on straight, it's slipping."  
  
"What's going on?" Ukyo asked nervously. "Who are you talking to?"  
  
"I have a radio link with my sister," Ryoga lied quickly. He looked around the darkening garden, searching for any sudden movements. Something flickered in the corner of his vision and he whipped around. "Hiyaa!"  
  
Ranma flinched and found himself pinned to the wall by an icicle that speared the fabric of his shirt. "Hey! Take it easy!" He pulled the icicle out and advanced. "I'm Akane's fiance, not some demon hell bent on destruction."  
  
Ryoga remained on guard. "Sure? It got in through you, in any case."  
  
"Hey, you!" Skuld hissed at him. "Stay on guard!"  
  
Akane unconsciously moved closer to Ranma. "What's happening?"  
  
"Ranma, get them out of here," Ryoga quietly ordered. "Now, before..."  
  
"Makoto!"  
  
He sensed, rather than saw the attack coming. Without even pausing to think, he grabbed Ukyo and jumped onto the roof as the ground behind him folded in on itself. Then twisted in midair to launch a quick series of attacks at Merdith. Ukyo screamed in surprise. "Are you all right?! You're not hurt, are you?" Ryoga asked in concern, mistaking her scream for one of pain.  
  
"I-I'm fine," Ukyo gulped. She tightened her grip around his waist and buried her head into his tuxedo. "J-just a little surprised, that's all."  
  
"Y-you d-d-don't have to hug me..." Ryoga stuttered, trying to pull away. How was he supposed to concentrate under these circumstances?! Sure, it was nice and all, but exceedingly distracting... luckily for them, Merdith was too injured to use the distraction against them.  
  
After a moment, Ukyo regained her shy, star-struck instincts and let him go, blushing a deep shade of red. "I-I-I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean to d-do that..."  
  
"It's OK, I don't mind," Ryoga quickly protested. The two of them stood in silence for a little while, unsure of what to say.  
  
Finally, Mini-Skuld lost patience and whipped out her long handled mallet - which somehow managed to stay at normal size - and visible, despite the fact that she was still concealed - and whacked Ryoga over the head with it. "GET A GRIP AND FINISH IT!!!"  
  
"OW! Jeez! Why does everybody in this town seem to get some sick satisfaction from pounding me with blunt objects?!?!" Ryoga grumbled.  
  
"Well, the demon's weakened, one more attack should do it," Mini-Skuld informed him, ignoring his complaint.  
  
"The demon's still around?" Ukyo enquired.  
  
Ryoga nodded. "But don't worry. I won't let her hurt you - I mean anyone," he quickly corrected himself. Then paused. "Akane!" He began slowly torturing himself in his mind. How could I...  
  
"Ranchan!" Ukyo covered her mouth with her hands. I can't believe I...  
  
Mini-Skuld quickly brought them up to date. "They're fine. Ranma saved Akane and they're inside the Dojo resting."  
  
Ryoga and Ukyo heaved small sighs of relief. "You'd better start making your way home too," Ryoga told the chef. "It's dangerous for you to stay here." He smiled shyly. "I'd hate for you to get hurt."  
  
Ukyo blushed and stammered for a few moments before settling to give him a big smile and jumping off the roof. Ryoga looked at the spot she'd departed from for a few moments. Wow... when she's not angry, she can be so nice! Almost...cute, even!  
  
"Umm... excuse me?!" a timid voice began behind him.  
  
"AAAAAAA! DEATH!" Mini-Skuld screamed - directly in his ear.  
  
"No! My name's Magical Girl Pretty Sammy!" Pretty Sammy squeaked. "I wanted to thank you and your sister for saving my life at that restaurant, that's all!" She stared at the ground for a second before working up the courage to add "I was also hoping, if it's not too much trouble, if I could have your autograph, please."  
  
"... Uh... do you have a pen?"  
  
WHAMWHAM  
  
"Finish the demon before it escapes!" Mini-Skuld hissed again, the mallet disappearing again.  
  
Merdith decided she didn't like that plan one little bit. Not one. With a banshee howl, she launched herself at them. Ryoga very calmly grabbed Pretty Sammy around the waist and leapt high into the air before launching a final attack at the demon without bothering to call the name out because I can't be bothered to think of one. Landing in the garden and placing the girl on the floor, they both turned to survey the damage done to the local area.  
  
Think demolition zone.  
  
Think hotel sliding off a cliff.  
  
Think "Danger - Arms Testing Ground."  
  
Mix them all together and get Akane, Ayeka and C-Ko to finish it off.  
  
Done that? Congratulations! You now have what remains of the local precinct! (Luckily, the Dojo is somehow still standing.)  
  
Now picture avalanche.  
  
Dam burst.  
  
Flood plain.  
  
All equals Soun Tendo.  
  
Ryoga, Pretty Sammy and Mini-Skuld sweatdropped. "I think this is time for a tactical military order," Mini-Skuld advised.  
  
"RETREAT!"  
  
End Part XVI  
  
Final song - Dance Into The Light  
  
===================  
  
PART XVII  
  
Little Washu  
  
Genius Scientist.  
  
Lousy Geography Teacher.  
  
===================  
  
PS - I also apologize in advance about the fact that I suck at sugar scenes too.  
  
"WAKE UP, YOU JACKASS!!!!"  
  
Ryoga clutched the blanket tighter and pretended he couldn't hear her. True, she was knelt on the edge of the futon and screaming at the top of her voice, but there was always the off chance that he had concussion. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if he did have concussion, with Ukyo, Skuld and Akane regularly hitting him with blunt objects. Maybe she'll give up and go away, he thought fuzzily. I should be so lucky!  
  
Ukyo gave up and walked away.  
  
After a few moments of silence, Ryoga cracked an eye open to see if she really had gone, before embracing his good luck and slipping back into sleep.  
  
Luck is not a big fan of Ryoga Hibiki.  
  
SPLASH  
  
"YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Ryoga-chan jumped to her feet, shivering all over. "That was COLD!!!"  
  
"What can I say but whoops?" Ukyo courteously poured hot water over her before making her way to the door. "Now get a move on or we'll be late for school."  
  
"Oh goodie. School. Be still my beating heart." Ryoga yawned. That was a definite drawback to staying in one place - having to go to school. And why so early?!? How teachers expected their students to learn anything when they were all half asleep was a mystery to him. He'd have skipped school today and gone back to sleep, but now his bedding was soaked. "Go away, then."  
  
"Yes, Dad," Ukyo mumbled, walking over to the door. She paused in the doorway, then turned back to face him. "Hey. Where did you disappear to last night?"  
  
"Huh? Me?" Ryoga pointed to himself and struggled to think of something. "I uh.. I went for a walk! Yeah, that's it!" He laughed nervously. "A short walk around the block, that's all! Y'know, it was a nice night and all..."  
  
A perfect night to be saved by Magical Guy Makoto... Ukyo smiled dreamily. "OK, you get dressed, lost boy."  
  
Why on earth is she grinning like that? Ryoga wondered, gazing at her. Still... she's awfully cute when she does that.  
  
"What are you looking at?!" Ukyo asked, snapping out of her daydream.  
  
"Huh? Nothing! Nothing at all!" Ryoga protested.  
  
Ukyo turned into the Flaming Ukyo Fire Oni and gripped her spatula. "Are you saying I'm nothing?!!"  
  
"What?! No! I never said that!" Eep! Impending doom!  
  
"So you think I'm nothing to look at?!!"  
  
"No!" Ryoga quickly scanned the room for his clothes. If he was going to be air mailed across Japan, he wanted to do it fully clothed at least. This meant that his mouth spoke before his mind could double check the words. "You're nice to look at."  
  
"WHAT?!???" Ukyo dropped her spatula in surprise.  
  
"Umm... Gotcha!" Ryoga poked her in the center of her forehead, throwing her off balance. She landed on the floor, slightly dazed.  
  
"Th-th-th... THAT was DIRTY!" she wailed, jumping to her feet.  
  
"You snooze, you lose," he shrugged, finally locating his trousers (under the futon), his shirt (wedged behind the chest of drawers), socks (bookcase) and shoes (wardrobe, surprisingly enough).  
  
Ukyo sneaked a quick peek at Ryoga as he tried to organize his homework into some sort of order. Did he really mean what he said...? Watching him, she stifled a small snigger as the pages slipped out of his exercise book and showered over the floor. He muttered something uncouth under his breath and disappeared under the desk to retrieve them. He's not so bad either.... and he does look awfully like Magical Guy Makoto...  
  
"Psst! Ucchan!"  
  
Ukyo looked around, startled, then let out a small squeal as something tapped her on the knee. She glanced under the desk, then slowly began fuming. "What on earth are you doing?!!" she hissed to Ryoga, red-faced with anger and embarrassment.  
  
Ryoga looked totally unfazed. "Could you move your foot? You're stood on my homework."  
  
"Get out from there, you pervert!" Ukyo snarled, ignoring the request.  
  
"What do you mean, pervert?!" Ryoga protested, tugging at the piece of paper. "There's nothing to look at!" He meant in the fact that she was wearing trousers and not a skirt. Ukyo didn't quite see that.  
  
"JERK!!!" Unable to spatulate him, she settled for stomping on his fingers. Hard.  
  
"OW!" He snatched his hand back with a hiss. "What did you do that for, you violent tomboy?!"  
  
"Get out from under my desk, you perverted, womanizing idiot!"  
  
"Get your stupid great big feet off my work and I'd be happy to!!" Ryoga tugged at it with his other hand.  
  
"Get a room!" Ranma called.  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
STOMP  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Don't tell Ranchan to shut up!"  
  
"Excuse me under there!"  
  
Ryoga jumped in surprise at the new voice, promptly slamming his head on the underside of the table. "Miss Washu Sensei!"  
  
The alien scientist sighed. "Little Washu!! And what are you doing under Miss Kuonji's desk?"  
  
Ryoga flushed in embarrassment. "She's uh... stood on my homework."  
  
Ukyo blinked. "I am?"  
  
"YES! You ARE!"  
  
"Sorry." She shifted her feet slightly and Ryoga stood up with the sheet of paper, which now boasted a large footprint, and returned to his seat.  
  
"OK, class, your regular teacher is sick so I'm filling in," Washu explained, walking to the front of the classroom. "Today, I thought we'd go on a field trip." She held her hand up for silence as the class began to whisper loudly.  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Hiroshi.  
  
Washu shrugged. "Dunno. We're going to follow Hibiki."  
  
The whispers started up again. "Sensei, are you sure that's wise?" Akane asked above the din.  
  
"That's Little Washu. And no, it probably isn't wise, but it'll definitely be interesting! The principal's also given us the rest of the day off to get really lost in, so you get to skip maths!" This made the expedition an instant success with everyone and Washu grinned cutely and bounced over to Ryoga's desk. "Is that OK with you?"  
  
"I... I guess so..."  
  
"Good." Washu paused for a second before continuing, slightly bashfully. "I figured that this would be a good opportunity to find out how you get lost so easily."  
  
"O-OK..."  
  
"Ready class?" Washu began to move around the classroom, advising various students on what to take with them and other such advice.  
  
Ukyo leaned over to Ryoga. "Hey, this would be a perfect opportunity to split up Ranchan and Akane!" she whispered gleefully.  
  
"Huh? How?" Ryoga looked blankly at her.  
  
Ukyo grinned. "I'll walk with Ranchan and charm the socks off him, and you can walk with Akane and impress her with your vast and extensive knowledge of the country. We'll keep them separated. First for the field trip, then for life!"  
  
Ryoga looked doubtful. "Are you sure that will work? What if they decide they want to walk together?"  
  
Ukyo frowned. "Don't be such a pessimist! As if they're going to want to walk together! She hits him all the time and he insults her!"  
  
"Like us," Ryoga observed without thinking.  
  
Ukyo scowled. "So? We don't want to walk together, do we?!"  
  
"No way!"  
  
CLANG  
  
Ukyo lifted the spatula and glared at him. "You don't have to sound that horrified! Go and give Akane your usual cute - I mean clueless grin andaskhertowalkwithyou!" Mortified by her slip, she turned and dashed over to Ranma, her face burning.  
  
Ryoga remained sat in stunned silence. Did she... just call me... cute?  
  
"Oh WOW!" Mihoshi bubbled happily, gazing over the ocean and clinging tightly to Ryoga's arm. She grinned perkily at him. "The ocean's so beautiful, don't you think?"  
  
Ryoga nodded aimlessly. He long since given up trying to prise the girl from his arm - and besides, it was nice to have company who appreciated him, he thought sourly as Akane stared daggers at Ukyo, who was alternating between bubbling at Ranma and trying to disembowel Mihoshi with her eyes. He sighed and looked at Akane again. "Akane, don't you think the ocean's pretty?" he asked woodenly, expecting her to reply with another answer - if she answered at all - from the girls handbook to conversations that aren't worth listening to. (Made a best seller during football season when us females had better things to do than be given step-by-step explanations of the match.)  
  
Akane looked back at Ranma again, who was laughing at one of Ukyo's jokes, and fumed silently. That JERK! Well, two can play that game! She grabbed Ryoga's other arm and smiled sweetly. "I think the ocean is beautiful!" she gushed merrily, raising her voice a little. "It's so ROMANTIC!!!"  
  
Oh good. She wasn't about to mallet him. Then he blinked. "Huh?!!!" She replied?!?!  
  
Mihoshi growled and clutched Ryoga's arm tighter.  
  
Behind them, Hiroshi and Daisuke glared jealously at them. "This is so unfair!" Hiroshi grumbled. "Look - Hibiki has two, Masaki has two. Can't they share the girls out fairly?"  
  
Behind them, Ryoko growled. "We are not candy bars!" Her expression brightened. "But you can have Ayeka if you want!"  
  
"Why would they want me when they can have you?!" Ayeka replied.  
  
Tenchi groaned. "I'm going to walk with Miss Washu."  
  
"You can't walk with me until you call me Little Washu!!" the teacher shouted.  
  
Ryoga suddenly stopped. "Hey. Where did these giant head statues come from?!"  
  
Washu walked into his back, then looked around. "Oh. We're on Easter Island... EASTER ISLAND?!?!"  
  
"WHAT?!?!" screamed Ukyo in horror, charging forward and clouting Ryoga over the head with her spatula.  
  
"OW! What did you do that for?!" he protested, rubbing his head. "And where are we, anyway?"  
  
"Easter Island is an island off the coast of Chile. We are supposed to be in Japan!" Ukyo hissed.  
  
Ryoga shrugged. "Maybe we are. Nobody noticed us cross an ocean or anything - maybe these heads are just imitations of the ones on Easter Island."  
  
Washu shook her head, looking very pale. "I just checked. Somehow, in just a few hours, we have managed to get from Japan to Chile. Without crossing any oceans either." Her face broke into a broad grin and she gleefully smacked Ryoga on the back. "If I can figure out how you managed to do that, it could revolutionize space travel! Cross vast open areas of space without noticing! It's incredible!"  
  
Ryoga laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. "I hate to say it, but it's also probably a fluke. It only happens every so often when I'm traveling, and if we want to get back to Tokyo today we're going to have to find a different way."  
  
Washu blinked. "Pardon?"  
  
"Ocean crossing is fine if I'm going in a random direction. If we want to get back to Tokyo it won't work. It never works when there's a specific destination in mind. But I can't control it - it seems to happen by chance. We can't rely on it to get us back - we don't want to end up in Kosovo or someplace like that," Ryoga explained. He was fully used to this happening - it was how he'd first gotten to China. Getting back to Japan though, he'd had to hike for weeks, then take a boat, then hike some more.  
  
Washu massaged her temples. "So basically, we walked about fifteen miles here and we have to walk thousands back?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
THUMP  
  
Ranma blinked. "Why'd Little Miss Washu Sensei faint?"  
  
Ryoko blinked. "Something has actually fazed Washu?!"  
  
Washu sat up. "That's 'Mom' to you, young lady!" She sprang to her feet and began to think. A quick check of the register proved everybody to be present. "Hibiki, what do you know about this place?"  
  
Ryoga thought. "In 1722 several thousand Polynesians inhabited the island, but disease and raids by slave traders reduced the number to fewer than 200 by the late 19th century. The island was named by a Dutch explorer who landed here on Easter Day in 1722. The Chilean government annexed the island in 1888. An area on the western coast is reserved by the government for the indigenous population; the remainder is used as grazing land for sheep and cattle. The ancestors of the present Polynesian population are thought to have traveled in canoes from the Marquesas Islands, massacred the inhabitants, and made the island their home. Many archaeologists believe that at the time of the invasion the megaliths, including about 600 statues, were standing throughout the island and that many were destroyed by the Polynesians during a period of violence on the island."  
  
"You're so smart!" Mihoshi gasped. "So what are we going to do, Miss Washu?"  
  
Washu thought for a moment. "This western coast is for the general population?" Ryoga nodded. "So they'll have telephones?" Ryoga nodded again. Washu clapped her hands. "Then I guess the only thing for us to do is to call home and tell them we'll be back tomorrow, hopefully. I'll tell Principal Kuno that we're here because of the archaeological interest and we can all camp here tonight!"  
  
Ryoko sidled up to her mother. "Why don't I just call up Ryo-ohki?" she whispered.  
  
Washu grinned. "Because although these students may be a little more used to high levels of craziness than the ones at Tenchi's old school, I think the appearance of a huge space ship may just freak them out." She winked conspiratorially. "Besides, don't you want to spend the evening on a romantic island with Tenchi?" She grinned wider as Ryoko rushed away. Plus it'll be amusing, and I get a chance to study my guinea pig further!  
  
Chattering ran through the students, who quickly weighed up the pros and cons. Many of the girls gave evil grins as they thought of various ways to capture the love of their lives - in a romantic island setting, how could they fail?  
  
Many of the boys also sported evil grins as they considered ways to smuggle the girls into their beds past the eagle eyes of Washu .... Sorry, gained access to Hiroshi and Daisuke's minds for a second.  
  
"Where are we going to sleep?" Sayuri began. This began a flood of questions.  
  
"How are we going to pay for food?"  
  
"What are we going to eat?"  
  
"We don't have any tents!"  
  
"What are we going to wear?!?!"  
  
Washu waved her hands in the air. "I have a dimensional portal. I can call up food, drink, tents, clothes and other assorted junk from there, OK?" After all, she reasoned, if seeing Ryoko waving her sword around and teleporting through walls doesn't faze this lot, nothing will! And this is a perfect chance to study Hibiki!  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Sounds fine to me. But how many tents can you call up?"  
  
"I dunno. They'll probably be four man tents." Washu observed Ryoko and Ayeka out of the corner of her eye and added, "And it will be single sex tents, you all got that?!?!"  
  
There were a few groans of disappointment, although Hiroshi and Daisuke were currently begging Ryoga and Ranma to share with them and plotting ways to get the two totally soaked.  
  
The rest of the day was spent sightseeing, playing around on the beach, exploring the local area and putting up tents as Washu decided they all needed a break as they'd be doing a lot of traveling the next day. It was now evening on Easter Island and most of the class were gathered around the bonfire in the middle of their camping ground. Ryoga idly scanned the group as he roasted the marshmallows he'd brought earlier to share around. Yuka and Sayuri had gathered a small crowd of girls and were currently holding some sort of fashion show with the clothes they'd liberated from the dimensional portal with a small gang of boys giving them their opinions. Ranma and Akane were arguing, surprise, surprise although he really couldn't be bothered to go over there and smack Ranma over the head. Ryoko and Ayeka were also arguing. Gosunkugi was hammering a straw doll into a tree trunk. Hiroshi and Daisuke were filling water pistols. Tenchi was hiding.  
  
Ukyo sat down next to him and pinched a marshmallow. "Tonight. You can get Akane and I can get Ranchan," she stated, ignoring Mihoshi's glare.  
  
"Mmm hmm." He winced as Akane whacked Ranma over the head with a tent pole. "You going to nurse his injuries?"  
  
Ukyo grinned. "Good idea, sugar!" She clapped him on the back and his marshmallow fell into the fire. "Oops."  
  
"You can have one of mine," Mihoshi offered.  
  
"Thanks." Ryoga peeled it off the skewer. "Ow hot!"  
  
"Idiot," Ukyo proclaimed fondly. "You know anything about astronomy?"  
  
Ryoga nursed his burnt fingers and glanced at her. "A little, why?"  
  
"There you are! When the sun finishes setting, you can offer to point out the constellations to Akane and it'll be so romantic... it can't fail!"  
  
Ryoga stole another look at Akane, who was still chasing after Ranma with deadly weaponry. Somehow, seeing her like that didn't make him feel romantic, it made him feel terrified. He probably deserved it, he tried to convince himself. It wasn't working. He'd probably made an off-hand remark which she'd taken the wrong way. But she only gets so mad because she cares about him. With a small sigh, he skewered another marshmallow and held it over the flames. I wish I'd never ended up in Ranma's body! Now he couldn't hurt Ranma every time Akane got upset because now he knew it wasn't all Ranma's fault. She is a little over reactive, I guess.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts," Mihoshi inquired lightly.  
  
"Hmm?" Ryoga shrugged. "I wasn't thinking much."  
  
"Same as usual, then?" Ukyo teased.  
  
"Meanie," he replied cheerfully. Now this was nice. Good friend on one side, violent fiancee not being violent on the other. "Marshmallow?"  
  
"Thanks." She bit the marshmallows off the skewer with a giggle.  
  
"Hey! I meant one! And you've got it all over your face, you mucky idiot!" Somehow this was a lot more fun than trying to make small talk with Akane and mucking it up.  
  
Mihoshi laughed a little. "Have another of mine," she offered. She grinned at Ukyo. "You go get your Ranma," she said encouragingly.  
  
Ukyo edged a little closer to the fire. "Yeah, in a minute." Truth was, she was in no hurry to cut in on the couple's argument - people rarely were - and besides, it was nice to sit and joke and roast marshmallows while watching the sunset with her idiot fiance who wasn't being an idiot and a sort of friend... "Hey Mihoshi, want to share a tent?"  
  
"Sure!" Mihoshi was pleasantly surprised. "I was going to share with Ryoko and Ayeka but they do nothing but argue over who Tenchi likes better."  
  
Ryoga laughed. "Girls. I will never understand you, ever."  
  
SPLASH  
  
Ryoga-chan jumped to her feet with a small scream, turning to glare at Daisuke. "I'm SOAKED!!! What did you do THAT for?!?!"  
  
"I thought it would help you understand girls better," Daisuke lied.  
  
"What I do understand," Ryoga-chan growled, "is that I am cold, wet and pissed off where I wasn't a moment ago."  
  
The mood was spoilt. Ukyo sighed and stood up. "Well, I'm going to go talk to Ranchan. I'll send Akane over."  
  
"Goodie." Ryoga-chan tried to mask her lack of enthusiasm. Marvelous. Send Akane over while I'm a girl. Grrrrrreat idea.  
  
Mihoshi sighed. "I'll go get a kettle."  
  
Ukyo lingered around for a moment longer after sending Daisuke away with threats of pain echoing through his mind. "Good luck with Akane, sugar."  
  
"You too," Ryoga-chan replied. "I mean, good luck. With Ranma, that is."  
  
Ukyo smiled and gave her a little wave. "Tell me how it goes!"  
  
"I wonder what she sees in him," Ryoga-chan wondered aloud as Ukyo walked away.  
  
"Sees in who?"  
  
"Huh?" A genuine smile appeared on Ryoga-chan's face. "Tenchi. I see you've come out of hiding at last!"  
  
Tenchi laughed ruefully. "Yeah. I hope it'll soon be dark enough that neither of them notice me."  
  
"I don't suppose you could do me a big favour and keep Mihoshi occupied while I talk to Akane?" she asked hopefully. "I mean, she's nice, I like her, but I want to talk to Akane alone."  
  
"No problem."  
  
Mihoshi chose that moment to reappear with the kettle. Tenchi waited until Ryoga was back to normal, before dragging her away to buy some more marshmallows to replenish supplies. A few minutes later, Akane wandered over and sat down next to Ryoga with a scowl on her face. "What's the matter?"  
  
Akane pointed to Ranma and Ukyo. "Three's a crowd, that's what."  
  
"Oh." After a short silence, he offered her the bag. "Y-you want to roast marshmallows?"  
  
"OK." Akane skewered a few, then settled back, her eyes never leaving the couple. There was another short silence. It was followed by a longer silence.  
  
"Um... nice night, eh?" Ryoga started, watching the marshmallows blacken. "You can see all the stars here, out of town."  
  
"That's nice. Do you know what they're talking about?"  
  
"No." And I don't care, either.  
  
"I'll bet that womanizing jerk's trying to get her back on his good side so he'll get free food again," Akane grumbled. "He doesn't get free food now. Shampoo emptied her ramen over his head and Ukyo flattened him."  
  
"Did you know that this island is formed from three extinct volcanoes?" Ryoga began again.  
  
"He keeps saying he's hungry, but he still won't eat my cooking."  
  
Ryoga glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. She was still staring at Ranma and Ukyo. "Hey. I'm going to bungee jump off the top of Everest and knit a pair of socks on the way down," he said dryly.  
  
"It's not my fault my cooking's bad, I try, I really do, but that jerk just won't appreciate it!"  
  
"You've ruined your marshmallows. They're on fire." He decided there was wasn't any point in pointing out the shooting star in the sky.  
  
Akane ignored him. "I mean, he never tries anything I offer him without checking to make sure who made it first."  
  
"Akane, your marshmallows are on fire," Ryoga repeated. It wasn't particularly important, but surely she could notice the temperature of the skewer, which was beginning to glow red.  
  
"If I offer him food that Kasumi obviously made, he'll still ask first. I told him that I'd cooked some cookies and it was really Kasumi who'd cooked them and they smelt great and he still refused to try them!"  
  
"Watch it, you'll get burned!" Ryoga snatched the skewer away from her. "OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! HOTHOTHOTHOT!!" he yelped, shaking his hand in pain and dropping the red-hot metal skewer on the floor.  
  
"...And she still insists on feeding me that toxic sludge she calls cooking, no matter how many times I beg her not to. I can't trust anything she offers me - she thinks it's normal for food to break the laws of physics!" Ranma continued.  
  
Ukyo pasted a smile on top of her scowl and laughed loudly. She was sick to the back teeth of hearing about Akane, Akane, Akane! If he hated her so much, why did he go on about her so much? She could barely get a word in edgeways and when she could, he obviously wasn't listening. "Ranchan, I'm going to streak across Antarctica."  
  
"If she would just try some first, or let me help her and actually listen to what I was trying to say, she might make something edible one day.... Hey, what're those two doing?"  
  
Ukyo jumped to her feet and ran over to them, closely followed by Ranma as Ryoga let loose an ear-splitting yell. "Ryoga-sugar, what's wrong?! What did she do?!" She grabbed Akane by the collar. "What did you do to him, you violent tomboy?!!"  
  
"Who's calling who a violent tomboy?!" Akane retorted angrily, shoving Ukyo away from her.  
  
"I'm calling you a violent tomboy! You beat up Ranchan and now you've hurt Ryoga!" Ukyo shoved her harder.  
  
"STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!!" Ryoga yelled, stepping in between them. Much to his surprise (and relief!) they stopped. "And I'm fine. Akane's marshmallows caught fire and I grabbed her skewer to stop her getting burned and wound up getting burnt myself. That's ALL!"  
  
Ukyo scowled at the floor, feeling extremely foolish. "In that case... I'm sorry, Akane," she mumbled.  
  
Akane matched her expression. "That's OK. If I'd been paying attention it wouldn't have happened."  
  
Ukyo watched her and Ranma wander away before switching her gaze to Ryoga. "I guess that means you had no luck with Akane, huh?" she asked casually.  
  
"You guess correctly." He sighed. "She didn't pay me the slightest bit of attention. What about you and Ranma?"  
  
"No luck either. He just complained about Akane's cooking." She laughed. "How that girl can ruin a marshmallow is beyond me!" She settled down next to him. "How's your hand?"  
  
"Hurts. It won't blister or anything though."  
  
Ukyo grabbed his hand and looked at it critically. "You should hold it under cold water for a while," she advised as he tried to pull free.  
  
"No thank you! I'm fine!"  
  
"You're a macho idiot, that's what you are."  
  
"I like being macho. It's encoded into the Y chromosome," Ryoga joked. "I don't want to become a girl - they're not macho, they're stubborn."  
  
"'Kay class, go to your tents. We've got a long way ahead of us," Washu called. "Anyone who thinks it would be fun to disobey me will be used for scientific testing!!"  
  
Tenchi charged over to his tent. "She's not joking, trust me on that!"  
  
"Well, goodnight, Ucchan. See you in the morning," Ryoga waved and disappeared into a tent, only to be met by screams and projectiles. "Sorry! Wrong tent!"  
  
Ranma couldn't sleep. Normally this wasn't a problem for him - what with spending his days battling various friends, fiancees and foes, he usually slept like a stone. When he couldn't sleep, it was either because Akane had given him food poisoning, he was under attack or baby phoenixes were trying to peck him into small pieces. What was unusual was that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking. (I mean it's unusual that he's giving up sleeping time to think rather than doing it at some other time - for example, during a lecture from his father.) It seemed to him that he had a few problems on his hands. Firstly, there was Ryoga and Ukyo. Him and Akane were definitely going to have to play matchmaker at some point. That little scene at the bonfire obviously proves that there's something between them, he decided. Ucchan does not blow up at Akane for nothing.  
  
Then there was that stupid duel. Now there was no encouraging voice in his head, he was seriously questioning his sanity at asking for a rematch. That voice was probably due to a blow on the head. There is no way I want to fight Ryoga in a rematch with those new tricks of his! Although Ryoga seemed just as unenthusiastic at the prospect of a rematch as Ranma himself did - for no reason Ranma could see. I would've thought Ryoga would be happy to beat me again.  
  
Hmm.... What to do, what to do.... He shrugged, rolled over and shook Ryoga. There was no way this would work, but the reaction would be hilarious. "Hey lost boy, wake up!"  
  
"G'way Ucchan. I'm asleep..." Ryoga mumbled into his pillow.  
  
"It's Ranma, you idiot!" Ranma thought for a second. "She's been kidnapped!"  
  
Ryoga pulled the blankets over his head. "Go away."  
  
"A crazy prince has kidnapped her!" Ranma pulled the blanket away.  
  
"Akane's a professional hostage, she'll be fine." Ryoga pulled the blanket back again. "Tell me again in the morning."  
  
Ranma fought down a snigger. "Who said Akane? It's Ukyo who's been kidnapped."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" Ryoga sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me SOONER?!?!"  
  
"Gotcha." Ranma started to laugh. Hard. "Your face!"  
  
WHAM  
  
"Goodnight."  
  
Ranma rubbed his face. He'd have a hell of a bruise in the morning, but that had been worth it! Well, it wasn't over yet. He reached out and shook Ryoga again. "Hey, Ryoga- chan..."  
  
WHAM  
  
"I said goodnight," Ryoga said calmly as Ranma twitched underneath the mallet.  
  
"......ouch........" Ranma eventually managed to remove the mallet and read what was written on it. From the people who brought you Akane Tendo's Mallet For Pounding That Jerk Ranma When He Screws Up My Day, is the Mallet For Casually Pounding Ranma Saotome Into Burger Meat. Not to be used for any other reason except maybe sending him into lower air orbit. Have a nice day. He sweatdropped. A company actually do these things?!!! He scowled. "Lost boy. You wanna call off that duel?"  
  
"I wanna go to sleep. Push off."  
  
"Look, do you want to call off that duel or not?"  
  
Ryoga sighed. "Yes. Now please would you let me go back to sleep?"  
  
"One condition." Ranma grinned. It would be worth getting pounded into burger meat if this worked or not just to see the expression on his face.  
  
"Whatever you want, Ranma. Just Shut Up." Ryoga pulled the pillow over his head and attempted to block out the sound of Ranma's voice.  
  
Ranma bit his lip to keep from laughing. "One week. You have one week to kiss Ucchan or you leave town. If you manage it, I pay for all the okonomiyaki I freeloaded." He waited for the reply.  
  
"OK, that's fine. Goodnight," came the muffled reply. Ranma facefaulted. There was a long silence.  
  
It was followed by an even longer silence.  
  
Ranma wondered whether Ryoga had fallen back asleep when he spoke up again. "I just agreed to do something REALLY stupid, didn't I?"  
  
"You just agreed to do something phenomenally stupid," Ranma confirmed.  
  
"Oh." Pause. "Tell me I'm asleep and I dreamt that bit."  
  
"You're asleep and you dreamt that bit," Ranma obliged. Pause. "Although that's not true."  
  
After a moment Ryoga sat up. "I just agreed to either kiss Ucchan or leave town, didn't I?"  
  
Ranma gave him a wide grin and nodded cheerfully. This was even more entertaining than the time Kuno had proclaimed his love for Nabiki before noticing he had the wrong Tendo sister! This was going to be worth any amount of pain Ryoga dished out! "No potions, no hypnotism, no telling her you want to kiss her and especially not why you want to kiss her, it has to be the real thing, on the lips, tongues optional."  
  
Ryoga stood up and pulled on his trousers, his face pale.  
  
"Where are you going?" Ranma asked. "Raring to go already?"  
  
"I'm going to commit seppuku."  
  
Ukyo stared at the canvas ceiling before turning and glancing at the blond woman across the tent. "You awake, Mihoshi?" she asked after a while.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
She rolled over. "Watcha thinking 'bout, sugar?"  
  
"Nothing," she replied quickly.  
  
Too quickly. Ukyo frowned. "Why do you like Ryoga, anyway?" she asked curiously. "It's not like you've known him long."  
  
"Juliet didn't know Romeo for long," Mihoshi retorted.  
  
"That's because they topped themselves within a week of meeting each other." Ukyo lay on her front and rested on her elbows. "Go on then, why do you like him?"  
  
Mihoshi blushed. "I-I-I...."  
  
"Come on!" Ukyo grinned at her. "I promise I won't laugh or anything."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Sure, I promise."  
  
"He's cute..."  
  
"Cute isn't everything!"  
  
A short glare shut Ukyo up. "Would you let me finish?!"  
  
"Sorry. So, he's cute." Have to agree. No way am I saying I agree though!  
  
Mihoshi took a deep breath and looked skyward. "He's awfully kind, he's sweet, generous, caring, considerate, he's always leaping to your defence, he's strong, he always eats Akane's food even though it's more toxic than Ayeka's so he doesn't hurt her feelings and he's so shy it's adorable.... I'm babbling, aren't I?"  
  
Ukyo blinked. "You are, rather."  
  
"Bet you think I'm a real idiot," Mihoshi said defiantly.  
  
She's right.... He is nice..... maybe he's mean to me sometimes because he's scared to be nice.... Ukyo thought about the few times he'd let slip with a comment about her being cute then quickly passed it off as demonic possession or temporary insanity or mind altering alien death rays. "No.... I think you might be right."  
  
Mihoshi stared at her. "Huh?!!!! You think I'm right?!!!"  
  
Ukyo blinked. "I said it aloud?! Oops!"  
  
There was quiet for a while before Mihoshi spoke again. "Why do you keep trying to set him up with Akane?"  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Because he loves her."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" Mihoshi sat up in amazement. "You're kidding me!"  
  
"'Fraid not, sugar. He's head over heels for her." For some reason she couldn't fathom, this came out in a spiteful sounding tone. She clenched her fists tightly.  
  
"He didn't seem that enthusiastic to be around her today," Mihoshi began.  
  
"Huh?! He didn't?!"  
  
"Not really. She was practically ignoring him the entire time. He made a game of what kind of stupid statement it would take to get her to notice him." She giggled at the memory. "It was fun."  
  
Ukyo frowned. She's done that with Ranma, telling him that she was going to commit suicide by jumping out of the window of her apartment as soon as she finished dinner (which was ridiculous - from that height, she barely get a bruise!) and he just continued to rant about how Mr Tendo wanted him to marry Akane before any more demons attempted to demolish the place. In the end she settled for laughing loudly at every opportunity to make Akane jealous. Guess it worked.  
  
Mihoshi continued. "In the end he just gave up talking to her." She squinted at Ukyo. "Are you sure he's really in love with her? He flinched every time she spoke."  
  
Ukyo contemplated the thought. Ryoga not in love with Akane? That line went into the Nerima X-Files next to 'Ranma loses a fight,' 'Akane cooks edible food,' and 'Ukyo gets sick of cooking okonomiyaki.' Naaaaah. Not possible.  
  
But if he didn't love Akane, how was she going to split up Ranchan and Akane? Or.... If he could fall out of love with Akane, then maybe it was possible that she'd fall out of love with Ranchan....  
  
She stood up quickly.  
  
"Where are you going?" Mihoshi asked.  
  
"For a walk. I need to think."  
  
Ryoga leaned against a boulder that happened to be conveniently near to the dying remains of the bonfire and tried to collect his thoughts, clutching his blanket tightly around him.  
  
One week.  
  
Seven days.  
  
One hundred and sixty-eight hours.  
  
Ten thousand and eighty minutes.  
  
Six hundred and four thousand, eight hundred seconds.  
  
That was the exact amount of time he had to kiss Ucchan.  
  
It wasn't long enough.  
  
It would never be long enough. He couldn't kiss her, just thinking about it made him feel faint. There was no way he'd be conscious long enough. The only thing was, would he faint first or would she beat him unconscious? She'd never let him kiss her voluntarily and there was no way he'd force her, no way on hell. Besides, he wouldn't know what to do. Granted, he'd been kissed by Shampoo. But he'd only been conscious for... lets see now.... 1.64846 seconds. He was definitely not an A grade kisser. But if she ever did let him kiss her, then that would mean she liked him that way and he didn't know if he liked her that way but if he didn't and she let him kiss her and she found out, she kill him. Sloooooowly. In great pain. In interesting ways, over a long period of time.  
  
No.  
  
There was absolutely NO WAY AT ALL that he could kiss Ucchan without anyone getting hurt. Which meant the only option left was to leave Nerima for good.  
  
A hand tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, sugar."  
  
"AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! DEATH!!!!" Ryoga jumped about twelve feet high and whirled around, expecting to see the Grim Reaper or something similar. Worse. It's Ucchan. He sat down again and glared at the sky. Somewhere up there, one of you hates me and is laughing a lot.  
  
Sure enough, somewhere up there was a god who hated him and was laughing a lot. Fate and Destiny glanced at each other for a moment, before dragging him away and locking him in a broom closet.  
  
"You're awfully jumpy, sugar," Ukyo commented, sitting down next to him. "Can't sleep?"  
  
"Something like that. What about you?" Ryoga asked, trying to edge away from her in a none too obvious way.  
  
"Something like that too." Ukyo snuggled up to him. "It's cold out here," she commented.  
  
He swallowed hard and tried to wriggle away again. "Y-y-you c-can borrow m-my b-b- blanket ify-youwant..."  
  
"This is nicer," she pointed out, in no mood to move away. He draped the blanket over her shoulders anyway and she murmured in appreciation. They sat like that for a while, neither saying anything.  
  
Ryoga broke the silence first. "Ucchan.... do... do you like me?" he whispered shyly.  
  
Ukyo thought for a moment before quietly replying. "Yeah... I like you." Ryoga relaxed a little, although she still decided he looked like he was about to bolt like a frightened deer. She opened her mouth to question him, but he spoke first. "Look! A shooting star!" He pointed to the sky.  
  
Ukyo gazed at it in awe. "Wow.... It's so pretty!" Ranchan never pointed out the stars to you she thought. Then she realized he was unconsciously carrying out her suggestion to charm Akane - on her! "Hey, Ryoga?"  
  
"Hmm?" He glanced down at her.  
  
"Do you still love Akane?"  
  
He visibly tensed and gripped the blanked tighter. "I-I don't know... I'm just not sure anymore. She's nice.... but she is so paranoid." He lowered his head slightly. "I-I'm sorry."  
  
"Hey. It's not anything to be sorry about, sugar," Ukyo assured him, slipping an arm around his waist. "I guess you're just realizing she's human too. She has her bad points, just like everyone else." She sighed. "Just like Ranchan."  
  
Ryoga slid an arm around her and gave her a quick, reassuring squeeze. "Yep. I'm afraid Ranma is human too and not the missing link we thought he was." He instantly winced, expecting the moment to be shattered with a shout of "RYOGA, YOU JERK!!!" and a quick midnight flight to the beach. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that...."  
  
Ukyo giggled. "Idiot."  
  
There was no anger in her voice, Ryoga was relieved to note. Maybe he was dreaming. He hoped he wasn't, he wanted to remember this and feel happiness and not anger/ pain/ depression/ any other negative emotion which usually happened when he thought of events. "Did you know this island is made from three extinct volcanoes?" he asked suddenly.  
  
"You're pulling my leg." Ukyo rested her head against his arm and looked up at him. Mihoshi's right.... He is cute!  
  
"It's true. The statues are made from tuff, which is a volcanic rock. They quarried it from one of the craters... Rano Raraku, the crater's called."  
  
"You're a walking encyclopaedia! The volcanoes aren't dangerous, are they?" she asked cautiously.  
  
"Nah. The volcanoes are extinct. Can't hurt anyone," Ryoga reassured her, looking down at her. She looks so pretty in the moonlight! "You may want to watch out for the stone men though," he teased.  
  
Ukyo looked eagerly at him. "You know something about them?"  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "I know a story about them. I never believed it when I was younger... but I just don't know anymore."  
  
"Will you tell me the story? Please?" she asked in a sugar-sweet voice.  
  
"Well.... OK then." He relented. "Many years ago, when the island first formed and the volcanoes were still active, a tribe lived here," he began in a soft voice. "They created giant stone men to help the tribe with their daily tasks and to guard them from danger. The giants were as gentle as kittens with the tribespeople, trusted with even the youngest child. But whenever any threat approached they became hostile and would destroy everything that was a danger."  
  
Ukyo found her eyelids drooping in spite of herself and she tried to force them open. "What happened to them?" she asked. "How did they get the way they are now?" She yawned.  
  
"Remember I told you the volcanoes were still active back then?" Ukyo nodded sleepily and Ryoga continued. "One day a volcano erupted. The tribe fled the island in terror. The giants tried to follow them to sea, but they were too slow and got engulfed, right up to the torso, in molten lava. And when the lava cooled down, they were stuck there forever, looking out over the sea where their owners disappeared." He looked at the dark, shimmering ocean. "Maybe they were real..." he whispered softly. "Who am I to doubt the existence of magic?" He glanced at Ukyo again. She was almost asleep, her head leant against his chest. I'll let her sleep, then I'll carry her back to her tent, he thought with a yawn, leaning back against the boulder. He allowed himself one last look at Ukyo. She is cute... he silently admitted to himself. He thought back to the challenge Ranma had made. "I've got one week. Surely it can't hurt to try...." With that thought, he closed his eyes.  
  
End Part XVII  
  
Final Song - One More Night  
  
============  
  
PART XVIII  
  
Back to Reality.  
  
============  
  
Mihoshi glanced around the tent as faint sunlight filtered trough the canvas. Where's Ukyo...? she wondered curiously, sitting up and stretching. Surely she can't be awake already - it's just dawn! She shrugged and pulled her clothes on. It wasn't important. Maybe she'd gone down to the beach or something for an early morning swim. Maybe she'd join her. Mihoshi grinned and left the tent, and wandered across the camp. And stopped when she noticed the two figures curled up by the boulder.  
  
Ukyo yawned sleepily and refused to take notice of the tapping of her shoulder. I'm sleeping... push off, she mumbled in her mind. Her mouth gave up trying to form the words. The tapping stopped. Ukyo was glad. She didn't want to be woken up, she was perfectly comfortable where she was, Thank you Very much.  
  
After a few moments, she realized she was now being gently shaken. She groggily creaked an eyelid open, then shut it again. "G'way."  
  
Finally, the person attempting to wake her up got pissed off and slapped her lightly. "What?!" she grumbled, exasperated.  
  
"Ssh." Mihoshi smiled lightly. "Don't want to wake him up, he's cute when he's asleep."  
  
Ukyo blinked a few times, then smiled faintly when she finally worked out who Mihoshi was talking about. "Uh... look, I can explain, really..."  
  
Mihoshi smiled brightly. "It's OK. I understand." She paused, her smile changing slightly. "I see we reached an understanding last night - I scratch your back, you stick a knife in mine." She picked up a metal tent pole and wandered off. "Don't go anywhere," she bubbled brightly over her shoulder.  
  
Ukyo frowned. What's she up to?  
  
She quickly found out. Mihoshi skipped over to Ranma's tent and swung the tent pole she was carrying so it connected solidly with the center pole. "Hey! Wake up! Check out the hot new couple!"  
  
Ukyo's eyes widened. "Stop that!" She twisted around and tried to wake Ryoga up. "Wake up you stupid jackass!" I can't let Ranchan see me like this - he'll never let me hear the end of it!  
  
As Hiroshi, Daisuke and Ranma began to emerge from their tent, Mihoshi bounced over to the next tent. "Yoo Hoo! Wake up!"  
  
Ukyo panicked. She only knew one way to wake Ryoga up and he hated it. "I'm sorry," she whispered, before picking up the sleeping boy and throwing him into the ocean.  
  
One minute Ryoga was happily dreaming that he was getting married to Sailor Mars (long dark hair, short sailor suit and a job away from home - what could be more perfect?), the next, he hit water. This was unusual. Usually water hit him, not the other way around.  
  
As usual, the contact of the icy cold water on his - now her skin made her gasp for breath. This was a bad thing today as she discovered she was in fact, underwater. The salt water made her retch and she inhaled another mouthful of the foul-tasting water. She started to panic as her trousers began to weigh her down and she tried frantically to claw for the surface as her body continued to betray her and forced her to cough.  
  
Finally, she broke the surface and stumbled to the shore where she collapsed, sobbing and coughing up salt water.  
  
"Ryoga! Are you all right?!"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked up Ranma. "I-I-I'm f-f-fi coff ine, R-R-R-Ranma, c-cou coffcoff couldn't be b-better..." she said weakly, through chattering teeth. She hardly noticed as somebody - probably Washu, she suspected - wrapped a blanket around her and began to lead her up the beach. She stumbled a few times, so Ranma picked her up and began to carry her. Ryoga-chan was mortified. "P-put m-m-me down, S-Sa coff Saotome, or I-I'll b-b-break coffcoffcoff e-every coff b-bone in your b-body!" she quietly threatened.  
  
Ranma ignored her. "What did you do to make Ucchan so mad?!" he asked curiously. "Was it about that deal we made last ni-"  
  
"No." Ryoga-chan shook her head. "I-it w-was n-n-nothing to coff do with t-that." She scowled. So Ucchan threw me into the ocean? Gee, I'll have to remember to thank her for that.  
  
She saw Ukyo as she was carried back to the camp and her scowl deepened. "Ryoga! Are you all right?!" Ukyo asked in concern. She glanced at Ranma. "Is it OK if I talk to him alone?"  
  
Ranma shrugged and unceremoniously dumped her on the ground. "Sure."  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at her fiancee some more, before running her fingers through her wet, sandy hair and pulling the damp blanket tighter round herself. "Well. Thank you so much, Ukyo. And here I thought we'd come to some sort of understanding last night," she said, acidly. "What did you throw me in the ocean for? I nearly drowned! You couldn't at least've woken me up first, could you? No, instead you nearly kill me and humiliate me in front of our entire class."  
  
Ukyo looked at her beseechingly. "I... I'm sorry...."  
  
"Why did you do it?" Ryoga-chan stood up and looked down at her. "Why? A reflex reaction to waking up next to your 'idiot, jackass fiancee?' Are you ashamed to be seen with me? Or did you just think it would be an interesting way to wake me up?" Ukyo didn't reply and Ryoga-chan scowled. "Violent tomboy. I can't believe I thought you were cute!"  
  
"You thought I was cute?"  
  
"I must have been delirious," she said quickly. "I'm probably catching pneumonia from being continuously doused with cold water."  
  
"You're not catching pneumonia and you get continuously doused with cold water because you deserve it," Ukyo snapped, anger starting to overtake guilt.  
  
"And what did I do to deserve it today?" Ryoga-chan crossed her arms and waited for Ukyo to answer.  
  
"..."  
  
"Haven't got a reason, huh."  
  
"Yes I have!" Ukyo snapped. "I wouldn't throw you into the ocean for no reason!"  
  
"So what's the reason?"  
  
"..... I don't have to tell you!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan groaned and gave up. "Fine! Be that way! See if I care! Just don't expect me to be having any more late night chats with you again, if that's how you're going to react!"  
  
"I said I was sorry! You don't have to get all stroppy about it!"  
  
"I woke up underneath ten feet of salt water! I'll be as stroppy as I want!"  
  
Ukyo scowled. "Fine!!"  
  
"Fi..achoo! As if I car...achoo!" Ryoga-chan gave up trying to finish the sentence and settled for turning her back on Ukyo and walking away angrily towards her tent, shivering violently.  
  
"Hibiki!"  
  
Ryoga-chan turned around to see Hiroshi and Daisuke run up to her. "Yeah? What do you..." She trailed off as her nose started to twitch again. "ACHOO! Dammit!" I have got to get changed!  
  
"Hibiki, we will get straight to the point," Daisuke panted.  
  
Hiroshi held out a bundle of money. "All this is yours if you stay female for an hour or so."  
  
"You're joking, right?" Ryoga-chan said flatly, pulling an extremely baggy T-shirt over her head, wishing she'd brought a jumper with her. "Or have you both finally ... achoo lost what was left of your tiny little minds?"  
  
"We're serious," Hiroshi said gravely and waved the money slowly. "You want it?"  
  
Ryoga-chan watched the money, her mind working quickly. It was a rather thick wad of bills and it would probably pay off a sizeable chunk of her debt to Mr Tendo. And she was already a girl, so she didn't have to go through cold water torture again. Besides, if she said no and changed back into a guy, they'd probably just splash her anyway. And she didn't want that.  
  
On the other hand, there was the question of why these two perverts wanted her to stay female. She didn't want to stay female - she was cold and her male side seemed to be more resistant to cold temperatures. Besides, none of her clothes fit right. Her shoes were too big, her shirts fell off her shoulders and the arms were too long and her trousers always fell down.  
  
She sneezed again and sighed. All her clothes were soaked anyway and at least she could make a little money. "OK, thanks for the money. But why do you want me to stay this way?" she asked, tiredly.  
  
"Because you're so hot...ouch!" Daisuke rubbed his head. "No need to hit me!"  
  
"Pervert."  
  
Hiroshi smiled slyly. "You should put some other clothes on, you know. You'll freeze to death like that." He handed her a bundle of cloth. "Here. These should fit you."  
  
Ryoga-chan narrowed her eyes and took the clothes from his outstretched hands before disappearing into the tent. She examined the sleeveless royal blue silk Chinese jump-suit with a critical eye. Funnily enough it appeared to be the correct size instead of a size too small and didn't appear to be see-through or anything like that. I wonder what those two are up to...? she thought to herself.  
  
Outside Hiroshi and Daisuke high-fived. "Perfect! We'll be out of debt with Nabiki in no time!" Daisuke gloated. "Plus, we get to see Ryoga looking like a real babe for once!!" He paused. "But why are we giving her the photographs to sell? Even if we sell them at half price, we'll still be making more money than she pays us."  
  
Hiroshi shook his head sternly. "If Nabiki found out we'd been selling photo's behind her back, she'd make our lives a living hell. Now don't even THINK along those lines again, d'you hear me?!!?"  
  
"If we can get good rates, we may be able to get a tramp steamer to Japan or something," Washu said, tapping away at her computer. "Do you speak the language here?"  
  
"Bits of it," Ryoga-chan informed her, rubbing her bare arms. "Is it just me, or is it chilly out here?"  
  
"Just you. Put this on," Washu said, holding out a watch-like article.  
  
"What is it?" Ryoga-chan asked cautiously, examining it critically.  
  
"It'll measure different things, pulse, blood pressure, PKE readings and stuff. Perfectly harmless, it's just for research," the small scientist reassured her. She grinned cutely. "Don't say I can't do this - I did say that anyone who sneaked out last night would be tested on, remember?"  
  
"Huh?! But I..."  
  
Washu held out a hand, cutting her off. "I'm a teacher. Nothing escapes my all-seeing eyes!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!!"  
  
"...." Ryoga-chan decided not to pursue the line of conversation any more.  
  
Washu continued to tap away at her computer for a few seconds before speaking again. "You've caught a cold. Put a jumper on or something or it'll get worse."  
  
"All my clothes are wet," she pointed out. "Anyway, I'll be fine."  
  
"Suit yourself." Washu turned around and raised her voice to speak to the class. "I know you all think this is some kind of vacation and I hate to break your bubbles but I'm going to have to teach you all a little geography as we go along." She waited for the moans and grumbles to pass before attempting to speak again. "But I know better than to attempt it before at least after lunch. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me, whether they're about geography, science or how the hell we're going to get back home. Follow me!"  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked. "Aren't we supposed to be following me?"  
  
"Hey, you kids aren't the only ones who can learn a lesson, you know! We have to get back to Japan now," Washu explained.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Now then..." Washu smiled in a motherly way and patted her on the arm. "Hibiki, I know being a teen is difficult. And I know it must be especially difficult having a curse like yours."  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked and backed away slightly, the sudden subject change making her nervous. "Uh..."  
  
"I know I'm just another teacher to you, but I'm Ryoko's mother and I know all about teenager's problems. You can come to me anytime you need to talk, you got that?" Ryoga-chan nodded numbly and Washu continued. "There's no sense in bottling things up you'll just end up hurting yourself more than you already are. You shouldn't take things out on yourself."  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked with confusion for a few moments until she noticed Washu's gaze settle upon her arms. "You mean... NO! No, no, no! I am not crazy! I did NOT do this to myself!" She flushed with embarrassment.  
  
"You mean that's not self inflicted?" Washu looked at the many cuts and scratches that adorned the girls arms. "'Cause if it isn't, I hope whoever did it has been arrested!"  
  
Ryoga-chan groaned and held her head in her hands. "It doesn't matter."  
  
After a few more minutes of walking, Ranma inched over towards Ryoga-chan. "Hey. Can I walk with you?"  
  
"What for?" Ryoga-chan muttered.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all. Can't I talk with my pal?" Ranma tried.  
  
"We're not pals," Ryoga-chan said bluntly. "What do you want to talk to me about?" She paused and sneezed violently. "I guess I am catching a cold," she said to no-one in particular.  
  
"Why did Ucchan throw you into the ocean?" Ranma queried. The incident had been bugging him all morning now and curiosity had finally gotten the better of him.  
  
"Curiosity killed the cat, Ranma. And I really don't see why it's any of your business," Ryoga-chan said sourly. She'd been trying to forget about the awful awakening she'd received. Just like him to bring what's bothering me back to my attention, she thought.  
  
With more force than he'd intended to use, Ranma grabbed hold of the back of Ryoga- chan's collar and twisted the cloth tightly. "Ucchan is one of my best friends and it's not like her to do something like that without reason. Which means you musta done something to provoke her!" He shook the girl angrily. "So tell me what you did to her so I can justifiably hurt you!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan pulled free from Ranma's grip and glared at him. "If I knew what I'd done to make her act like that, I would've apologized already. The point is, Saotome, that I don't KNOW what I did wrong! She won't tell me!" she hissed, clenching her fists tightly.  
  
"Well how are you supposed to kiss her if you can't even talk to her?!!" Ranma hissed back, suppressing a giggle as the small girl turned an alarming shade of red.  
  
"As if I'd want to kiss a tomboy like her anyway! She's not even cute!" Ryoga-chan said venomously pushing images of Ukyo highlighted by starlight to the very back of her mind. "She's not!"  
  
CLANG  
  
Ukyo furiously shook the girl by the collar. "Well, ex-cuuuuuuse me for not being cute! As if I'd ever even WANT to BE kissed by a cross-dressing pervert like YOU!!" She finished by throwing the girl into the ocean for the second time that day. "Oooh! He makes me so MAD!!!"  
  
"Y'know, it's rude to listen in on other peoples conversations, Ucchan," Ranma said sternly. You might hear classified information!  
  
Ukyo scowled. "It was difficult to not hear it, the stupid jerk was nearly shouting!"  
  
Meanwhile, Ryoga-chan was dragging herself back up the beach. "...Violent uncute tomboy maniac psycho! Does she have to over react to every little thing I say???!" she mumbled to herself. She sneezed. "Damn. Now I really am going to catch a cold."  
  
"Looks like that outfit's soaked through," a voice above her said. She raised her head to Hiroshi and Daisuke standing by her head.  
  
"What do you two want now?" she asked wearily.  
  
Hiroshi blinked. "Why, we were only concerned! If you don't want some dry clothes, we won't bother you anymore," he said, sounding hurt.  
  
A hand grabbed him by the ankle, almost dislocating it. "Dry clothing. Explain further or I twist," Ryoga-chan said grimly.  
  
A few minutes later, she found herself clad in another Chinese outfit - unfortunately, it was a dress. A short dress. "Very nice," Daisuke said approvingly, looking her up and down. "How about giving us a twirl, maybe you could bend over and pick up that rock for me?"  
  
"I'm a guy," Ryoga-chan said through gritted teeth. "Get a life."  
  
"Just like my old girlfriend," Hiroshi said fondly. "Let's go and rejoin the others now, shall we?"  
  
"Seeing as you two seem to be carrying around an endless supply of clothing in my size, I don't suppose there's any chance that either of you happens to have a jumper that would fit me?" Ryoga-chan said hopefully as they walked along.  
  
Daisuke shook his head regretfully. "Afraid not. Besides, what do you need one for?"  
  
"I'm cold."  
  
Hiroshi looked amazed. "How can you be cold??! It's forty degrees out here!"  
  
Relative calm settled over the Furinkan group for the next few miles as they followed Washu. (By relative calm I mean minor fights, small squabbles, little destruction to the surrounding area.) Suddenly the pink-haired woman frowned as she looked from her map to the surroundings.  
  
"What appears to be the problem, Miss Washu?" Ayeka asked as she stopped tugging at Ryoko's hair for a moment.  
  
"This can't be right." Washu began tapping at her computer, oblivious to the students.  
  
Akane frowned. Washu hadn't yelled out the customary 'that's Little Washu!' remark - something had to be amiss. She looked around and shivered. That's strange - I was warm just a second ago...  
  
Then the island disappeared into fog.  
  
"Where on earth are we now?" Tenchi asked.  
  
Washu looked around. "I have no idea. Hey, Hibiki, where are we?"  
  
"You expect me to know???" Ryoga-chan asked, incredulous.  
  
The group looked around their new surroundings. Or, to be more precise, lack of surroundings. All around them was industrial pink. (Stare at the edge of your computer. It should be that awful beige colour. Imagine being totally surrounded by that colour. Awful, isn't it? It's things like that which give a perfectly good colour like pink a bad name.)  
  
"Welcome, travelers."  
  
The crowd whipped around to see a small man, not unlike Cherry from Uresai Yatsura standing next to a tall and very beautiful woman with long black hair and ornate robes. And behind them were a large army of soldiers. It was the small man who had spoken, and he now spoke again. "My name is Grebes and this is Lady Ibis. We welcome you to the Realm of the Lost Spirits. We hope you enjoy your time here."  
  
Washu stepped forward and bowed. "Thank you for you welcome, although I regret that we can't stay long. I don't suppose you know the way to Furinkan high school from here?"  
  
Lady Ibis stepped forward. "Surely you can stay for a short time? I insist that you meet my son, Lord Tinamous." Her tone showed that she was not used to being disagreed with.  
  
"I'm sorry but we really should be going," Washu said firmly. "Could you please tell us the way out of here?"  
  
"You don't appear to underst..." Grebes began.  
  
Lady Ibis waved her hand. "Silence, Grebes. It never works, anyway. Just do it."  
  
Grebes nodded and threw a large ball over to the group. It exploded, releasing a cloud of gas which enveloped them. Within seconds, the entire class had fallen asleep faster than they did during history lectures.  
  
"Pity we always end up doing that," Lady Ibis said casually. "Separate the men from the women and place them with the others."  
  
Slowly, Ranma creaked his eyes open and looked around. He sat up slowly, rubbing his head and taking in the surroundings. It was still entirely blue and silver and very comfortable... but there was something else. It was enclosed space, populated by male figures. He was surrounded entirely by men. Akane... he thought suddenly, and scanned the area again. There wasn't a single female figure to be seen.  
  
Next to him, Tenchi woke up and rubbed his head. "Where are we... where is everyone?"  
  
"I see Gosunkugi, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Ryukyu, Hiro... yep, all the guys from our class are here, but none of the girls," Ranma observed. "Except for Ryoga... well, he's either gotten himself lost or they think he's one of the girls."  
  
"What?! Mihoshi and Washu and Ayeka and Ryoko aren't here?!"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Tenchi looked around. "Are you certain Ayeka and Ryoko aren't here?"  
  
"Sure." Ranma looked solemnly at him. "I'm going to find Akane and the rest of the girls. Are you coming?"  
  
"We don't have to rescue them yet, do we?" Tenchi pleaded. "I'm sure they're fine... and this is the most peace I've had in weeks!"  
  
Ranma thought about Akane. Then he thought about Akane's mallet/ cooking/ temper and shuddered. "You're right. We don't have to rescue them yet."  
  
Akane opened her eyes and sat up slowly. "Where... where am I?"  
  
"I see the sleeping beauty awakens," Ryoko said calmly.  
  
"What is this place?" Akane frowned and scanned the place. Unlike where the boys were being held captive, this room was in shades of pink and gold, with comfortable cushions and seats to sit on. "Where are all the guys?"  
  
Ryoko's eyes welled up. "I don't know! I can't find Tenchi - this place has neutralized my gems somehow and I can't get out!"  
  
"So you don't have any idea where the guys are?"  
  
Ukyo woke up just in time to catch the end of the question. "What? The guys are missing?!" Akane nodded. "Even Ryoga?"  
  
"Worried about him? I'm sure he's fine, wherever he is..."  
  
Ukyo scowled. "For starters, I am not worried about that idiot, he can take care of himself and secondly, he was in girl form when that gas hit us and I thought he'd be here, that's all."  
  
Washu battled her way over to them through the crowds of women and sat down on a cushion. "My computer isn't working and neither are my links with Ryo-ohki. Wherever we are, it must be on a different plane of existence to be able to do this. I bet there's also a high level magical barrier too."  
  
"Damn!" Ryoko swore. "How are we supposed to get out?!"  
  
"Ranma will rescue us," Akane said confidently. "He always does."  
  
"First we'd better find the rest of the girls," Washu commanded. "Look around and see if you can find them and come back here to regroup. We'll work from there."  
  
Soon, Ukyo re-appeared with four girls in tow and Akane with five, including Ryoga- chan. "Ryoga! You're here!" she cried happily.  
  
"Yeah...." The other girl said cautiously. Ucchan appears to be happy to see me. What is wrong with this picture? She looked down at herself quickly, to make sure she hadn't ended up in Ranma's body again. Nope. I'm me. But Ucchan is never happy to see me. Which means... she's either preparing to dish out serious bodily harm to me, or she really is happy to see me. Nah.... Not bloody likely!!  
  
"Great! Your brute strength will have us out of here in no time!" she continued cheerfully.  
  
"I'm not sure whether to be relived or insulted," Ryoga-chan said gloomily.  
  
"Just do that breaking point thing and bust us out of here, sugar," Ukyo ordered.  
  
"Can't."  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CAN'T?!!!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan backed away from the roaring fire oni. "The Bakusai Tenketsu only works on rock and these walls are made of something else," she squeaked.  
  
"Of all the useless, incompetent idiots..." Ukyo cursed.  
  
"Fine, wait for darling Ranma to save you if I'm not good enough for you," Ryoga-chan snapped and sat down, arms crossed and a scowl on her face.  
  
Ryoko and Ayeka appeared with the remaining girls. "So, 'Mom,' what do we do now?" Ryoko asked.  
  
"..." Washu began.  
  
Her words were cut off by a loud fanfare and golden doors which hadn't been there a moment before opened wide. Lady Ibis and Grebes entered. "Ladies, you will now be presented to Lord Tinamous," Grebes announced loudly. "Please walk through these doors in single file."  
  
"Excuse me, but why are we here?" Ayeka asked politely.  
  
Lady Ibis sighed. "Was it not explained to you? You wandered into the Realm of the Lost Spirits. Most people who wander into here usually wander straight back out again without even realizing they were here. But since Lord Tinamous turned seventeen last week, we've been keeping a few people here to be presented as possible bridal candidates."  
  
"Just a few, huh?" Sayuri said, sweatdropping as she looked at the looooooooooong line of women.  
  
"Where have you hidden Ranma and the others?" Akane demanded.  
  
Lady Ibis blinked. "The males? They are perfectly fine - they will all be returned to their homes when a bride is chosen, as well as the rejected women," she explained.  
  
"So in other words, all we have to do is present ourselves to this Lord, make a really bad impression on him and we can go home?" Ryoga-chan spoke up. She jumped to her feet. "Let's go then."  
  
"...Too fat, too old, too tall, too ugly... that one's another 'maybe,' too ugly...." As each girl in question walked past the young Lord, each one who was singled out as a 'maybe' was pulled aside by Grebes.  
  
"Wow! That Lord's actually kinda cute," Yuka said quietly, from a spot near the end of the queue.  
  
"Well, I'm responsible for your well being and it's not like you can get your parents permission," Washu said. "He just seems to be opting for pretty girls at this point, so if any of us make it through, remember to behave as badly as possible." She pulled a compact out of mid-air and began applying make-up.  
  
"Miss Washu! What are you doing?!!!" Ayeka hissed in a shocked voice. "We don't want to be chosen!"  
  
"Correction, none of you lot want to get chosen. However, some of you may. So I want to get chosen so can keep an eye on anyone who does get chosen," Washu pointed out.  
  
"I am so nervous," Ukyo admitted.  
  
Ryoga-chan patted her arm. "Don't worry. If he has the bad luck to choose you, just hit him with that spatula of yours."  
  
"Like this, you JERK?!?!"  
  
CLANG  
  
"Y-yeah... j-just like that... owww"  
  
They began to talk in quieter whispers as the line progressed. Ukyo sighed. "Ranchan would've saved us all by now," she said gloomily.  
  
Ryoga-chan shrugged. "What's wrong with this? We get through inspection, we all go home. There. Case closed."  
  
"But some poor girl will still end up engaged to that guy," Ukyo pointed out. "Ranchan would've beaten him up by now, trashed the place and saved the day by now if he were here."  
  
"No doubt causing vast amounts of property damage and getting himself noticed and probably engaged to the guy," Ryoga-chan added, annoyed by all the Ranma referrals.  
  
"Ranchan woul..."  
  
"Oh, please would you shut up about Ranma, already!" Ryoga-chan snarled. "What's the problem - you want me to do something? Fine, I'll do something!" She grabbed the compact from Washu and examined her reflection critically. "Does anybody have a hairbrush?"  
  
"What are you doing?" Ukyo asked cautiously.  
  
"I'm going to get myself chosen. Then, when you all get sent home, I'll change myself back and they'll throw me out. See? Foolproof!"  
  
Lord Tinamous sighed and looked down the line. Where is she... He craned his neck to see if there were any others past the end of the Furinkan group, disappointment clouding his eyes when he saw nobody else. "Too plain," he said boredly as Sayuri passed him. "Too full of herself," was Ryoko's comment. Ayeka giggled until she heard herself described as "too pompous." Akane sighed as she stepped forward. Here goes nothing... another crazy weirdo out for my heart as usual... Ranma, where are yo..."  
  
"Good god, that one has the figure of a brick!!"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
Tinamous calmly side-stepped the very large mallet and it crashed into his throne. "And too violent. I would never marry a macho chick like her."  
  
Akane blinked. "Are you related to Ranma Saotome, by any chance?"  
  
"No." The Lord waved her away and critically examined the last few girls. "Hmm... maybe..."  
  
Pick me, pick me! Ryoga-chan thought grimly as Washu was pulled aside. She stepped forward and placed her best cute-girl grin on her face, the one that ended up on the newspapers when she got photographed as Magical Girl Ryoko.  
  
"Another maybe," Tinamous decided aloud. The resemblance to Yukio-chan is amazing... He examined the last few girls as Grebes pulled a gleefully grinning Ryoga- chan aside. "No, no, maybe," he finished as Ukyo walked past.  
  
"What?!" Ryoga-chan jumped forward. I can't let him try and marry Ucchan - she'd never let me hear the last of it! "Lord, sir, you don't want her, she's even more violent than the other one!"  
  
"Hey... you..." Ukyo began with a twitch.  
  
"She only ever cooks one type of food, she wakes you up by soaking you with freezing water, she dresses like a boy and whenever she gets mad, she hits you with a giant spatula..."  
  
"LIKE THIS?!?!?!"  
  
CLANGCLANGCLANG  
  
Tinamous laughed. "She's so high-spirited! Yes, a definite maybe, I think," he said as Ukyo peeled her giant spatula from the unconscious Ryoga-chan.  
  
"Hey! When I did that, you just called me violent!" Akane called out.  
  
"You are violent, Miss. This young lady is spirited. There is a subtle difference," Tinamous said calmly.  
  
"There is? What is it?" Ryoga-chan muttered. "I always thought she was violent."  
  
"Oh, shut up, you jerk! Who cares what you think?!" Ukyo snapped.  
  
"Look at them, Grebes. They are so much like Yukio-chan. I don't suppose I could have both of them, could I?" He looked at the old man hopefully.  
  
"I shall have to check with your mother," Grebes said gravely. "But I think you should attempt to acquaint yourself with the other girls at least, instead of looking for a girl who reminds you of Miss Yukio." He walked away in search of Lady Ibis.  
  
Tinamous clapped his hands. "Ladies, I do apologize for all that you have been through. Feel free to make yourselves comfortable." He instantly walked over to Ryoga-chan and Ukyo. "And what might your names be?"  
  
"Akane!"  
  
"Ranma!" Akane raced over to him and burst into tears. "He said I was violent and built like a brick..."  
  
Ranma placed his arms around her awkwardly. "I say that to you all the time, but it don't bother you... does it?"  
  
Akane sniffled. "Not really. I'm used to it from you."  
  
"So I take it the Lord didn't want you?" Ranma tried not to let his happiness show.  
  
"No. But he's still got Miss Washu Sensei and Ukyo and Ryoga." She sighed. "With all the boys that seem to chase me, I thought he'd chose me too."  
  
"I don't know whether to say he's got horrible eyesight or great taste in women."  
  
WHAM  
  
"I'm guessing you should've stuck with the first one," Tenchi said, peeling his friend from the floor.  
  
"Tenchi!"  
  
"Lord Tenchi!"  
  
Tenchi whimpered as he was glomped from either side.  
  
Washu kept a sharp eye on the Lord as he chatted to Ukyo and Ryoga-chan, basically ignoring the other girls in the room. That was fine with her, as far as she was concerned - it meant Ryoga-chan was more likely to be the chosen one... if only Ukyo didn't keep butting in. In fact, apart form the minor point that Ryoga-chan was spending 50% of her time unconscious, the only flaw in the plan that Washu could see was that when Tinamous found out Ryoga-chan was really a guy he would either keep him here anyway, or just go out a capture another load of girls. Ah well. With only two students there to keep an eye on, she could continue her research. Of course, it would've helped if her computer was operational.  
  
"Excuse me for a second, ladies," Tinamous said as he saw the forms of Grebes and Lady Ibis enter the room.  
  
As soon as he'd stood up, Ryoga-chan leaned over. "Look, Ucchan, I appreciate the help with this, but could you please butt out of this?"  
  
"I'm just trying to fill you in on being a bit more feminine," Ukyo argued.  
  
Ryoga-chan bit back a comment about leaning feminism from the worlds biggest tomboy and replaced it with, "you don't have to hit me whenever I get stuff wrong, though. I don't like being out cold. I don't know what's going on. I mean," she continued, choosing her words with care. "I don't want him to choose you instead." Oops. I don't think that came out in quite the right way, she thought, waiting to be spatulated.  
  
"Ryoga... don't tell me... you're jealous..." Ukyo began, a slight blush crossing her cheeks. How sweet of him to do this...  
  
"You've got to be kidding!" Ryoga-chan blurted. "Jealous of a tomboy like you?! It's just, if you marry him, I'll have no one to cook for me!"  
  
"WHY YOU....." Ukyo paused in pre-swipe. "I thought you were sick of okonomiyaki, anyway."  
  
"No, I thought he might get sick of it. For me, after Akane's cooking, a lifetime of okonomiyaki is bliss."  
  
CLANG  
  
"YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE!" Grebes called. Silence fell. "The Lord Tinamous has made his decision. He will we wedded to Miss Ryoga Hibiki..."  
  
"Yes!" Ryoga-chan hissed gleefully from under the spatula.  
  
"...And Miss Ukyo Kuonji."  
  
"WHAT?!!"  
  
Washu gulped. This, she hadn't anticipated.  
  
End Part XVIII  
  
Final song - Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For  
  
===============  
  
PART XIX  
  
Thin Line Between  
  
Heaven and Hell.  
  
Epilogue#1  
  
===============  
  
"Ranma!"  
  
Ranma turned to see Skuld walking towards him. "Skuld. Hi," he said with a small wave.  
  
The young goddess looked particularly worried. "You're back from Easter Island? Where are Ryoga and Ukyo?"  
  
Ranma scratched the back of his head nervously. "Come with me. I think it's best that you talk to Miss Washu Sensei about it."  
  
"About what? The fact that they don't seem to be on this plane of existence?" she said wryly.  
  
"You know?!"  
  
"I'm a goddess. Of course I know," she snapped. "The problem is, they should be on this plane of existence. I don't know where to find them and neither does the Almighty and we NEED them back as soon as possible!"  
  
"Wow." Ranma blinked a few times. "I never realized those two were so important."  
  
"... And these are all the photographs we got when we were away," Hiroshi finished.  
  
Nabiki examined them with a critical eye. "Very good work, boys. Kuno-baby's gonna love these!" She walked over to her wardrobe and pulled out another bag full of clothes. "See if you can get Ryoga to wear these, will ya?"  
  
Daisuke and Hiroshi exchanged glances before laughing nervously. "Well, there's a slight problem with that..." Daisuke began.  
  
"Which is...?" Nabiki prompted.  
  
"Ryoga and Ukyo are stuck in the Realm of Lost Spirits and it's very difficult to take photographs of somebody who no longer exists here," Hiroshi finished. "My, is that the time?"  
  
"Wait," Nabiki said sternly. "What do you mean by 'they're trapped in the Realm of Lost Spirits?' I thought you went to Easter Island."  
  
"We did," Daisuke said helpfully. "And the Realm of Lost Spirits."  
  
"Explain," the middle Tendo ordered, switching on a tape recorder.  
  
"...Lord Tinamous decided that he was going to marry one of the girls who wandered into his realm. Our class was hopelessly lost and wandered into there by accident. Ryoga happened to be a girl at the time, and hit on this bright idea of making the Lord fall for him so we could all go home and then revealing his curse," Washu explained. "But nobody expected the Lord to decide he wanted to marry Ryoga and Ukyo..."  
  
"...And the moment this Lord announced his decision, we all ended up back at school minus Ryoga and Ukyo. We can only assume they're still in the other realm. Pity. They were babes, both of them."  
  
Nabiki tried to think. Apart from selling the information to Kuno, she could see no way that this information would help her make a profit. She had two choices - leave them both to find their own way out of this realm and find money-making schemes elsewhere or use her connections to help get them back. "You two run along now," she said, suddenly remembering the presence of Hiroshi and Daisuke.  
  
"Thank you Nabiki. As always, it has been an expensive privilege doing business with you," Hiroshi said.  
  
"Flattery won't get you a raise." Nabiki shut the door behind her and sat down at her desk. Let's see... with Ryoga and Ukyo gone I lose money through arranged dates with Ranma, pictures of Ryoga-chan and fight money. Plus, with Shampoo marrying this other guy, competition for Ranma and Akane goes down which means less money from her. But I guess it saves on insurance, and if Ranma and Akane get married things'll get a bit quieter around here... She sighed. She couldn't do it. Not even she was heartless enough to leave two of her little sisters friends stranded in some other dimension. "Akane..."  
  
"Realm of Lost Spirits?" Maika looked at Miyu, who shrugged and shook her head. "Never head of it."  
  
Mihoshi looked like she was about to burst into tears again. Luckily, her body seemed to have dried out for now. "Yukinojo? Do you know anything about the Realm of Lost Spirits?" she pleaded down her remote link.  
  
"I'm afraid not, Mihoshi. That location is not found under any of my files."  
  
Mihoshi's eyes welled up again and she exploded into full sob mode. "If I hadn't m-m- made Ukyo throw him in the ocean h-he wouldn't have been a girl and he'd still b-be here!!!"  
  
Maika tried to think of some way to cheer her friend up. "You know, you shouldn't be asking aliens for links to Earth realms. You could ask that old lady who lives at that Chinese restaurant. She seems to know an awful lot about magic."  
  
Mihoshi brightened up at this suggestion. "Yeah! But will you two come with me?" she added plaintively.  
  
"Urd, I've got a real problem down here." Skuld sniffled down the telephone. "It's URGENT!"  
  
"I don't remember raising you to come running to your big sis whenever there's a teensy little favour you want doing," Urd said irritably, trying to watch the television out of the corner of her eye.  
  
"This isn't a teensy favour. Ryoga, AKA Magical Guy Makoto and Magical Girl Ryoko is stuck in the Realm of Lost Spirits and the magic is blocked."  
  
"WHAT?!!!!" Urd jumped out of her chair, almost knocking over a bottle of sake in the process. "But if the Amityville demons find out, they'll attack Ranma Saotome and anything that stands in their way! Knowing them, they'll probably try and take out the rest of the city too, just for the sake if it!!!"  
  
"You think I don't know that?!" Skuld snarled. "What do I do?!!!"  
  
"Hold on, I'll be right there," Urd promised.  
  
"Hibiki is trapped in another realm with the okonomiyaki tramp?" Kodachi repeated. "That's mildly interesting but WHY AREN'T THEY DEAD???!?!???!?!?"  
  
"Because he's Magical Guy Makoto," the underworld minion repeated again. "Look, do you want to take advantage of this or not? Because if you do, shut up and let Jodie take possession of your mind, body and soul." He yawned. If she agrees to this, she is definitely some sort of psycho.  
  
"Very well then. If that is what it takes to win my Darling Ranma's love, then that is how it will be." The black rose smiled and accepted the black cloud that filled her, blackening her soul and taking control.  
  
A few minutes later she stepped out of her hidden room, closing the door behind her, before walking up the stairs.  
  
After looking around and taking note of it's new surroundings, her shadow followed.  
  
"This Hibiki guy has a sister, right?" Urd asked, handing her youngest sibling a mug.  
  
Skuld took a long drag of the cocoa and grimaced. "You put brandy in this, didn't you?"  
  
"So what if I did? You were hysterical over the phone," Urd protested. "Sister. The guy has a sister."  
  
"Yeah. Keiko Hibiki. He's never met her, I've never met her." Skuld took another drag of the warm drink. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"If she's got the same parents as him, then logic says they have the same powers. I guess our only hope is to find this Keiko kid and train her the same way you did for him."  
  
Skuld held up a hand. "One, I don't know where to find the kid. Two, she wouldn't believe the story, three, I don't have time to train the kid and four, she's seven years old. I'm not putting her up against Amityville demons."  
  
"Personally, I think it's about your only hope. The other option is to warn this Saotome kid that a big demon is out to get him, his fiancee and half the city and round up all the super heroes in Tokyo to protect him."  
  
Skuld grinned and reached for the telephone. "You know, that's not such a bag idea."  
  
Cologne looked up as Ranma, Washu, Akane and Nabiki ran into the restaurant. "Hello there. Come to say your congratulations to Shampoo and Tsubasa before we leave for China?" she asked pleasantly.  
  
Behind her, Mousse snapped another pair of chopsticks in half and glared at his ramen. When I find Hibiki, he is dead meat...  
  
"Hibiki and Kuonji are in the Realm of Lost Spirits?!" Mousse pricked his ears up at this and listened carefully as Cologne continued. "Unless we manage to wander into the realm, they are lost to us.  
  
Yes!! Mousse mentally high fived.  
  
"So we find the realm. How do we do that? Ranma asked stubbornly.  
  
Mihoshi, Maika and Miyu charged into the restaurant. Cologne grinned. "Looking for information on the Realm of Lost Spirits?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," Mihoshi panted. "How do we find it?"  
  
Mousse shook his head. "I can't believe you're all doing this to get that idiot back," he said calmly.  
  
"I bet you'd be too scared to even consider traveling to the Realm of Lot Spirits," Mihoshi snapped.  
  
Mousse paused. "Did you just call me a coward?"  
  
"Yes, I just called you a coward." Mihoshi turned her attention back to the old lady. "So how do we get there?"  
  
Cologne shrugged. "Simple really. You just let yourself get lost. That's why it's a realm of lost spirits. Whenever anybody gets lost, their astral body is sent to the realm and wanders there like a ghost. The time difference has an effect too, which is why people get lost so suddenly, then find themselves back on track with an equal suddenness."  
  
Washu blinked. "So the reason Ryoga gets lost so easily is because he has an overactive astral body that keeps wandering into the realm and operates on a different time level to him?"  
  
"Precisely. All the Lord has done is take the mortal bodies there too, so they would operate at the same time. The problem with finding this realm is the time lag. By the time your astral body has reached the realm, you will have no doubt, found your way back again."  
  
"So we get ourselves hopelessly lost, easy," Ranma said, picking up a pack. "So who's with me?"  
  
Shampoo and Tsubasa stepped forward. "We are," Tsubasa said sternly.  
  
Akane nodded. "Me too. Oneechan?"  
  
"Yeah, go on. Count me in," Nabiki said recklessly.  
  
Mihoshi nodded her head. "And me."  
  
"Me too," Mousse added.  
  
Mihoshi gaped at him. "YOU?!?!"  
  
"Yes, me! I won't have you call me a coward and get away with it!"  
  
Washu sniggered at the bickering pair. "It could be interesting. I'm in too."  
  
Cologne looked around. "And me. Hey, what about you two?!" She looked at Maika and Miyu.  
  
"We can't," Maika said regretfully. "Our washing machine blew up yesterday and we're expecting a visit from the insurance company." She neglected to add that Miyu had blown it up with a Zero Cannon yesterday, while battling a thirty-foot high old man. (Geriatric Park. )  
  
"HALT!" A bokken wielding figure ran into the room. "I, Tatewaki Kuno shall travel too with you to rescue the Bandannaed maiden."  
  
Ranma blinked at him. "Kuno?! What do you know about this?!"  
  
The upperclassman smiled enigmatically. "A little bird informed me that the lovely Miss Kuonji and the even lovelier Bandannaed girl were being held captive by the forces of magic in another realm, a Realm of Lost Spirits, and seek rescue from the hands of the villainous UnderLord, Tinamous."  
  
"Wow... for once, he actually has vaguely correct information!" Ranma said in awe.  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Kuno-baby ...how did you find out about this?"  
  
"Silence, wench! The time for talk is past... come, let us rescue the fair Miss Kuonji and fairer still Bandannaed girl!"  
  
End Part XIX Epilogue#1  
  
Final song - Separate Lives  
  
====================  
  
PART XX  
  
Lost Spirits  
  
in the Realm of Lost Spirits.  
  
Epilogue#2  
  
====================  
  
And what of Ryoga and Ukyo?  
  
"YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE!" Grebes called. Silence fell. "The Lord Tinamous has made his decision. He will we wedded to Miss Ryoga Hibiki...And Miss Ukyo Kuonji."  
  
The two of them stood in stunned amazement, Ryoga-chan not even bothering to lift the spatula from her skull. "Wha.. wha... wha...?" was all Ukyo could stutter out.  
  
"Thank you for all your co-operation, ladies. In a moment you will find yourselves at your destinations as our way of saying thank you for being here," Grebes continued.  
  
Washu jumped to her feet and ran towards them, fading out of sight before she'd taken six steps. Tinamous bowed down before the two stunned girls. "I hope you do not think it awfully rude of me to ask both of you to marry me," he said politely. "We can talk about it over dinner." He called one of the servants over, an elderly lady. "Greta, could you please show Miss Ryoga and Miss Ukyo their room?"  
  
Greta nodded and smiled pleasantly at the dazed duo. "Please follow me, missies."  
  
Still speechless, the two followed the old woman down a maze of corridors, before stopping outside a huge set of double doors. Greta pushed them open. "You should both find some appropriate clothing inside the wardrobes. If you each choose an outfit each, I'll lead you to the baths where you can prepare for dinner. This will be your permanent quarters - I hope you find them satisfactory."  
  
"Wait a second," Ryoga-chan cut it, blushing a little. "Are you saying we have to share?!!"  
  
Greta smiled warmly. "Of course! You will both be the wives of Lord Tinamous, it is essential that you both bond with each other as well as with him." She gently pushed them inside and closed the doors. "Call me when you're ready!"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at the floor, beet-red. Ukyo did the same. After a long silence, Ryoga- chan eventually walked over to the large wardrobe and opened it. "Ucchan, this one would look nice on you," she said in a falsely cheerful voice, turning around, holding a long silver dress in her arms. "Uh... Ucchan?"  
  
"Ryoga?" Ukyo said quietly, from her perch on the edge of the four poster bed. "Tell Tinamous about your curse now."  
  
Ryoga-chan blinked a few time. "Pardon?! Did I just hear that right?!"  
  
Ukyo sighed. "You heard me. Tell him the truth and you can go home. It's my own fault he chose me too, I interfered, remember?"  
  
Ryoga-chan stood in silence for a moment, before walking over to the large bed and sitting down next to her. "Ucchan, I'm not telling Tinamous about my curse and I'm not leaving here without you."  
  
"But you should just go home. I'm fine," Ukyo insisted.  
  
"Ucchan... I..." Ryoga-chan paused and ran the words through her head to make sure they didn't come out incorrectly. "...I don't have any home other than Ucchan's okonomiyaki restaurant," she said quietly. "And that isn't home without you there."  
  
Ukyo sniffled and hugged her knees tightly. "Th-thanks... but I still think you should go..."  
  
"Hey. Do you really want to marry this guy, is that it?" Ryoga-chan asked quietly.  
  
Ukyo looked up in surprise. "Of course not!"  
  
"So shut up," Ryoga-chan berated. "If you don't want to marry the guy, I'm staying. I'm not going to abandon you here, you got that? We can work something out ... maybe you could hit him with that obnoxious spatula of yours," she added with a grin.  
  
Ukyo couldn't help but laugh. "OK, jackass. Hand me that dress." Ryoga-chan handed her the silver dress, glad to see a smile on her friend's face again. "One more thing, sugar," Ukyo said suddenly.  
  
"What's that?" Ryoga-chan asked distractedly, flicking through the remaining outfits for something she wouldn't feel like an idiot in.  
  
"There is no way on Earth that we are sharing a bath, you got that?"  
  
Ukyo's forgiveness for her female fiance was rapidly disappearing as Ryoga-chan bombarded Tinamous with a huge variety of reasons as to why he shouldn't marry her, but just send her home. If he thinks I'm so bad, why didn't he break off our engagement? she thought angrily as Tinamous listened to the small girl's continued insults.  
  
"... And she's totally obsessive, she hunted down this guy for ten years because he dumped her when she was six..."  
  
Ukyo finally exploded as those words vibrated through her ears. "Well, at least I chased him for a good reason, instead of tracking across the world because he stole a few bits of bread!" she snarled, steam almost coming out of her ears.  
  
"He ran out on a scheduled fight!"  
  
"YOU were the one who turned up four days late! How pathetic!"  
  
The fork Ryoga-chan was holding distorted into strange shapes. "Pathetic?!! Pathetic is chasing the idiot for ten years, giving up being a girl because he humiliated you and then falling straight in love with him because he said you were cute!"  
  
Ukyo went white. "What... did... you... say...?!!?!!" she spat.  
  
"Uh... ladies?" Tinamous asked timidly.  
  
"You heard what I said!" Ryoga-chan spat back.  
  
"At least I had the guts to admit I loved him instead of being a spineless jellyfish like you! I didn't turn into a stuttering wreck whenever I spoke to the guy of my dreams!" Ukyo leaned forward until they were both nose to nose. "You know what? The only reason my plans to get Ranchan for me and Akane for you never worked was because you were always too scared to admit you like her. And now they're too close to split up. It's YOUR fault!!" She grinned, slightly maniacally and leaned forward so they were cheek to cheek. "At least I can get a real man. But once your secret's out, you'll be all on your own again," she whispered quietly into Ryoga-chan's ear.  
  
Tinamous wisely decided to flee.  
  
Ryoga-chan was shaking like a leaf, her fingers digging deep holes into the table. She's right... it's MY fault I never got Akane... I'll be on my own again... all on my own... oh god... I don't want to be alone any more! A tear trickled slowly down her face.  
  
Ukyo suddenly noticed the green glow surrounding the smaller girl. "Uh... Ryoga?" Her anger vanished as quickly as it had popped up. She touched her fiance on the shoulder and the dark-haired girl looked up at her with huge green eyes filled with unshed tears. "Ryoga, come on you big dummy, you know I didn't mean a word of that..." Ukyo choked out nervously.  
  
Ryoga-chan pulled away from her, the glow around her getting even brighter. If she didn't mean it, why did she say it? Why does it hurt so much? Tears began to flow down her face. She didn't know what hurt her most, the fear of being alone again or the fact that Ukyo had just plainly stated that she'd rather marry the Lord of this strange place who she hardly knew over her. All of a sudden, she just wanted to hurt Ukyo back. Hurt her back as much as she was hurting her now. She clenched her fists tight. I will not hit a girl, I will not I will not I WILL NOT!!!  
  
"Ryoga, sugar... come on, you're scaring me now," Ukyo said, laughing nervously. "Stop glowing like that..."  
  
"Bitch."  
  
Ukyo blinked. "Wh... what did you say?!" she asked, incredulous, grabbing the girl by the shoulders.  
  
Ryoga-chan lifted her gaze to meet Ukyo's, her eyes sparkling dangerously. "You total BITCH!!!" she screamed. "I HATE YOU!!!" She broke free of Ukyo's grasp and ran away, choked sobs forcing their way to freedom. Finally she collapsed to the ground. The green glow shone brighter around her until it grew too bright to look at directly. Then a huge pillar of light enveloped the girl and lit up the sky, before crashing back down to Earth.  
  
"Ryoga!" Ukyo called in worry, waving clouds of dust from her sight. She'd been chasing the girl, trying to get her to stop so she could apologize. She looked at the debris around her and plodded onwards, looking for the girl. Did Ryoga do that? She thought to herself, thinking about the green glow she'd been following, which had suddenly exploded outwards, taking out most of the east wing of... wherever this place was. Luckily, nobody else seemed to be here except for her. Oh, I hope he didn't blow himself up with that! She came to an intersection and looked both ways. Hmm... that way, light and airy. That way, dusty and demolished. Gee, I wonder? she thought sarcastically, turning down the demolished corridor. "Ryoga!!!"  
  
She tripped and stumbled. Looking behind to see what she'd tripped over, her spirits brightened when she recognized the small figure curled up on the floor. To her relief, she didn't appear to be terribly injured by the collapse of the building, but just plain exhausted, although the dress was ripped almost entirely to shreds. "Jackass," she sighed, kneeling down and picking up the light body. "What was that you did back there?" After a moment's contemplation, she quickly carried Ryoga-chan back to their room and placed her carefully on the bed. Then she disappeared in search of water in varying degrees of temperature.  
  
Wordlessly, she removed the tattered dress and poured the hot water over the girl, who didn't awaken with the change. She pulled the covers over him and looked at him for a minute. He looks so sad... I did that to him... She sighed and brushed his hair out of his eyes. No wonder he hates me, she thought sadly.  
  
Ryoga dreamed. The ghostly white figure of Ukyo Kuonji haunted his nightmares. Wearing the silver dress, she looked like an angel but acted like a demon, stabbing him repeatedly with glass shards of conversation. She floated a little above him, forcing him to look up to her to try and make his point. She grinned sardonically at him, blue eyes flashing as she spoke each barb. "...At least I chased him for a good reason, instead of tracking across the world because he stole a few bits of bread!"  
  
She glared at him through those dark blue eyes. Ryoga tried to summon up the angry responses he'd returned each blow with, but refused to come forth. Instead he heard the weary voice of defeat as he told her the real responses.  
  
I was hungry... so, so hungry... don't you understand? That was my first meal in six days...  
  
"YOU were the one who turned up four days late! How pathetic!"  
  
That's what they all said... taunting me, all of them... some even saying I skipped out on purpose. I had to get away from them... that's why I chased him so long. I couldn't go back there, I was a joke. He tried to keep the words inside, but they spilled out like a waterfall. Nobody knew why he'd obsessively hunted down Ranma. Maybe it wasn't to prove to those other children that he wasn't a coward, but to prove to himself.  
  
"At least I had the guts to admit I loved him instead of being a spineless jellyfish like you! I didn't turn into a stuttering wreck whenever I spoke to the guy of my dreams! You know what? The only reason my plans to get Ranchan for me and Akane for you never worked was because you were always too scared to admit you like her. And now they're too close to split up. It's YOUR fault!!"  
  
It's my fault... all my fault... It hadn't worked. He was still coward, even after defeating Ranma.  
  
"At least I can get a good man. A real man. But once your secret's out, you'll be all on your own again."  
  
I've always been alone... I don't want to be alone... A bitter sob escaped him.  
  
The ghost Ukyo giggled softly at him. "So lonely. But what else is there for a lost spirit like you?" A cold hand cupped his chin, forcing him to look at her again. "Even in the Realm of Lost Spirits, there's no lost spirit to keep you company. Poor, eternal lost boy. Alone, even in a crowd." Her expression dimmed a little and she looked even more like an angel. Ryoga waited for her to act even more demonic. She smiled a little. "You'll always be lonely if you keep pushing me away like that, dummy. Why can't you be nice like you were by the campfire?"  
  
He hung his head in shame. I... I'm scared to... he finally admitted. I don't want to lose you too!  
  
The white figure shimmered, fading. "Then don't push me away, bring me closer..." she whispered, before vanishing. And he found himself alone again.  
  
Ryoga wasn't the only one with nightmares that night. Ukyo dreamed too of the events that evening. But Ryoga wasn't in his cursed form as he threw razor sharp daggers that cut deep into her soul, standing taller than her in a pale outfit that contradicted the darkness he was forcing her into.  
  
"... And she's totally obsessive, she hunted down this guy for ten years because he dumped her when she was six..."  
  
Ukyo tried to voice her denial when he cupped her chin gently and forced her to look into his dark green eyes. Weakly, she spoke the truth instead of the angry words she'd used earlier. They left me behind after they promised I could go... and stole my dowry... my honour was gone and so was my innocence...  
  
"Pathetic is chasing the idiot for ten years, giving up being a girl because he humiliated you and then falling straight in love with him because he said you were cute!"  
  
I couldn't be a girl any more... my dowry was gone and I couldn't get married... he was the first guy to see me as a girl and liked it... he said so... and if I could marry him, my honour would be restored... Ukyo bowed her head.  
  
The ghost Ryoga frowned. "He's not going to, though. You saw how quickly he backed out of the engagement as soon as he had an excuse."  
  
But I don't want to be alone... Ukyo sniffled and wiped her eyes.  
  
The ghost Ryoga smiled at her. "Lonely in a realm full of lost spirits, little Ucchan? No wandering soul to keep you company?" Ukyo waited for him to stab her with the final dagger, to scream that he hated her, he never wanted to see her again and he was going to leave her here alone. A small tear rolled down her cheek. Ryoga leaned forward and gently brushed it away. "Why can't you be all cute like you were by the campfire?"  
  
Ukyo flushed. I don't want to scare you away... I want you to stay with me, she whispered.  
  
The pale figure flickered and dimmed. "If you truly want me to stay then tell me. Don't push me away..." he whispered, disappearing into the night.  
  
Ukyo's eyes flickered open, taking in the darkness of the room and estimating the time to be early am. With a yawn, she stretched, realizing she'd fallen asleep at the ornate desk that stood next to the huge bed. She cast her eye over the boy sleeping there with a small and desolate smile. As if you'd want to stay after the things I said to you, she thought grimly. She reached a hand out to flick a wayward lock of hair from his forehead, then jumped back, startled as his eyes flew open. "S-sorry sugar, I didn't mean to wake you..." she apologized quickly.  
  
"I was just waking up anyway," Ryoga said with a yawn. He thought back to the ghost Ukyo and the advice she'd given him.  
  
"Ryoga, I..." Ukyo began, then stopped as he gently took hold of her hands, blushing a little.  
  
"Ucchan, I know I said some nasty things to you earlier and I'm sorry," he said sincerely. Ukyo blinked in surprise and he quickly continued before she could cut in. "There's no way I could hate you and... and I'm sorry I called you ... you know..." he trailed off and looked at her in the darkness for a moment before he realized he was still holding her hands. "Um..."  
  
They sat in total silence for a few minutes, neither wanting to be the first to speak.  
  
"Ryoga, you won't leave me here alone, will you?" Ukyo asked suddenly, pleading him with her eyes.  
  
"I said I'd stay here and I will," Ryoga promised. He looked down and sighed. "I guess that means I'd better turn back," he said ruefully, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He looked around the room, noticing for the first time, the single bed. "Where were you sleeping?" he asked curiously.  
  
"On the desk," Ukyo admitted. "And you don't have to wander off - I have cold water here."  
  
"You sleep on the bed," Ryoga offered. "I'll be fine on the floor."  
  
Ukyo remembered the ghost Ryoga's comment about being all cute at the campfire and the advice he'd given her. "Don't be silly," she chided, smiling a little. "Washu said you were getting a cold and I don't want you falling ill here."  
  
"I'll be fine," Ryoga insisted. "Besides, where would you sleep?"  
  
"We'd both be girls, right? We can share the bed," Ukyo teased. Ryoga froze. Totally. "It was a joke, you big dummy," she said with a laugh. "Ryoga? Ryoga? Snap out of it!" She smacked him lightly upside the head.  
  
Ryoga blinked and jumped off the bed, picking up the glass of water. He paused before tipping it over his head. I was always too scared to tell Akane how I felt about her. Well, I won't be a coward anymore! The glass trembled and he glared at it. So maybe I'll still be a little bit of a coward... he admitted before turning to face Ukyo. "Hey, Ucchan?"  
  
"Yeah?" She looked at him, a teasing smile still on her face.  
  
She really is cute when she smiles... "You don't know any French, right?" he asked.  
  
Ukyo frowned, puzzled by the question. "No, why?"  
  
"Nothing. Je t'aime, Ucchan." Hoping Ukyo couldn't see him blush in the darkness, he poured the cold water over his head.  
  
End Part XX Epilogue#2  
  
Final song - We All Fall In Love Sometimes 


	10. Chapter 3

Catching the Butterfly, Volume 3  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Please remember to feed the author.  
  
OK, just a note. The suffix 'chan' indicates somebody's female form or somebody's child form. Wow! That's actually relevant to the story!  
  
Next, the thanks. Thank you Hotnit! Finally, I have Ranma anime!!! Uh... I'd also like to thank my Mommie for letting me stay up all night on the trot. Without her electricity I would not have been able to do this. Plus, I'd like to thank Kai-chan, my proofreader (Not worthy!! Not worthy!!) for her own unique brand of motivation (Get typing, you rotten little maggot, or I'll wipe your hard drive, steal all your manga and burn all your anime!!!!!) Right, Academy Awards over with, onto the groveling.  
  
Disclaimer. (Do I have to go through this again? Oh well...)  
  
Dearest Takahshi goddess, I humbly apologize for stealing your marvelous creations and turning them inside out. Feel free to throw me into the spring of drowned Happi-chan.  
  
I can't recall all of the other people I've stolen characters from, if they start to hunt me down, IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT!!!! (Points vaguely at a passing schoolboy.)  
  
CTB VOL 3 - The nameless filler-volume.  
  
============  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
Get Lost.  
  
============  
  
"Where on Earth are we now...?"  
  
For once in a lifetime, these immortal words were uttered by somebody other than Ryoga Hibiki. In fact, they were now being gasped by Nabiki Tendo, who was beginning to wonder exactly what drugs Cologne was using in her restaurant.  
  
"If my calculations are correct, then we're near Urawa..."  
  
The rest of Washu's sentence was cut off by a loud scream of "SHUT UP!!!!!" from the rest of the group.  
  
"Miss Little Sensei, the whole point of this is for us to get lost. And we can't do that if we know where we are. So when Nabiki asks where we are, ignore her!" Ranma explained.  
  
"I know, I know!" Washu said in an aggravated voice. "And that's Little Washu."  
  
"Guys, can we take a break now?" Mihoshi's voice floated forward.  
  
Akane nodded. "Yeah, it's three am. I think we should get some sleep," she agreed.  
  
Mousse snorted. "I thought the little fluff-head would be eager to go bouncing around the country searching for her knight in shining armor," he teased.  
  
"Mousse, you're talking to a lamp post," Ranma informed him. Mousse quickly turned and glared at Mihoshi.  
  
"Watch it, girlyboy." Mihoshi stuck her tongue out. "Remember, this fluff-head carries a laser pistol."  
  
"Mihoshi!" Washu scolded.  
  
Mihoshi tried to look suitably abashed. "Sorry."  
  
"Shampoo and Airen share tent, is OK?" Shampoo declared eagerly, her and Tsubasa racing to pitch a tent as far away from the others as possible.  
  
"You two aren't married yet, you know!" Cologne called.  
  
Mousse almost choked on his tongue. Hibiki, this is all your fault!!! When we get you back, I'll rip you limb from limb and enjoy every second of it!!!  
  
"You are so obvious," Mihoshi said boredly. "Everyone can see you murdering him in your mind. There are laws here, you know. I could get you put away for light years if you touch him."  
  
"You're pathetic," Mousse sneered. "He's engaged."  
  
"So's Shampoo," Mihoshi fired back. Mousse gave up and the two of them sat across from each other, attempting to gouge each other's eyes out with imaginary fingernails.  
  
"Ryoga? Wake up! I SAID wake up!!" Ukyo shook the girl violently, with absolutely no success. "Drat!" She sat on the edge of the bed and went over her options. Well, there's the old fashioned method of tipping a cup of cold water over him. But I dare not do that again or he'll blow up at me. Hitting him with the spatula was no good - it would just knock him straight back out. With a sigh of resignation, she shook her again. "RYOGA! WAKE UP!!"  
  
"Ferme ta grande bouche..." Ryoga-chan mumbled, before rolling over and pulling the covers over her head.  
  
Ukyo blinked. OK, this calls for drastic measures now. With that thought, she leaned over and started to tickle her.  
  
It worked.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Ryoga-chan jumped about twelve feet into the air and whirled around to face the giggling Ukyo. "What the hell did you do that for?!!"  
  
Ukyo sniggered. "You get mad when I splash you and yelling didn't work so I tried a different approach."  
  
"Yeah, well it's no less annoying," Ryoga-chan grumbled under her breath. She curled up on the floor and pulled the covers up again. "And it's still early. Wake me later," she finished with a yawn.  
  
"Ryoga Hibiki, if you do not get up and dressed within the next ten seconds, I will splash you with cold water," Ukyo threatened. "We need to figure out how we're getting out of here."  
  
"Whatever you say, oh lord and master," Ryoga-chan mumbled under her breath.  
  
"What was that you said?!"  
  
The image of an oversized spatula crowded Ryoga-chan's mind and she quickly sat up. "I said, I'm up!"  
  
"Wow, you look dreadful," Ukyo informed her.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"No, seriously." Ukyo leaned forward and placed a palm against her forehead. "How do you feel?"  
  
Ryoga-chan yawned. "I feel fine, so stop worrying," she said, walking over to the large dresser and looking in the mirror. "I..." She stopped with a frown. "Hmm..."  
  
"What?"  
  
Ryoga-chan glanced at her over her shoulder. "I wonder if I'd be able to use that mirror trick to get us out of here...?" She carefully placed her hands on the surface of the glass.  
  
You know when you have a glass of lemonade? With one of those cute straws? And when you look at it, the straw bends and looks smaller in the lemonade? That's what happened to Ryoga-chan's fingers, except it was more like sticking your fingers into a moving blender blade rather than a glass of lemonade.  
  
"OWWW!!"  
  
With a hiss of pain, she rapidly withdrew her hand, blood running down her fingers. "Well, that obviously didn't work!" Stupid baka mirror, won't even let me go home when I want to!  
  
"Are you all right?" Ukyo tried to examine her hand as it was waved through the air (like you do when you burn your fingers trying to get the toast out of the toaster).  
  
Ryoga-chan gritted her teeth. "I feel as though I have just stuck my hand into the moving blades of a rotary fan. Of COURSE I'm all right!!! What could possibly be wrong?!?!"  
  
"Hey, jerk, just because I'm trying to show a little concern here, you don't have..." Ukyo bit her tongue. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Huh?!?!" Ryoga-chan ceased waving her hand in the air and stared at her companion.  
  
"Can I take a look at your hand...?" Ukyo asked carefully, reaching out her arm.  
  
"I...I guess so..." Sense of impending doom! Why is she apologizing? Why is she being nice to me when I yelled at her? Ryoga-chan carefully held her hand out, half expecting Ukyo to grab her by the wrist and throw her through the air.  
  
Instead, Ukyo simply removed the ribbon from her hair and tied it around her hand in a makeshift bandage. "There. You'll be OK, just don't try that again or you'll be lucky to keep your fingers attached to your hand."  
  
"..." ... Why is she being nice, dammit! Even more importantly, how can I get it to last??? Ryoga-chan stared at Ukyo, who was prowling through the closet.  
  
"Here."  
  
Ukyo tossed a dress over to her, jolting her out of her trance. Ryoga-chan pulled a face. "This is a dress. Isn't there anything else?"  
  
"No," Ukyo chirped cheerfully. "Now get dressed, then go away." She examined the other girl critically as she yanked the long dress over her head. "You should've worn a nightgown. Washu's right, you'll freeze yourself to death if you're not careful."  
  
"I am not wearing a nightgown!!!" Ryoga-chan snapped. "You've seen the ones there, they're all lacy and silky and small... and tight... and slinky..." she trailed off slowly as her gaze traveled over Ukyo, wearing a such said nightgown and a scowl. Oh boy... she looks SO cuuute... Her brain instantly fried.  
  
"PERVERT!!!!!!!!" Seeing blood trickling from her companions nose, Ukyo grabbed the spatula of doom and swung.  
  
THUMP  
  
"What a maroon," she muttered, nudging Ryoga-chan's fainted body with her toe.  
  
End Prologue  
  
===========================  
  
PART III  
  
All's Fair in Love, War and Kareoke.  
  
===========================  
  
"Are you going to sing, Nabiki?" Akane asked her sister. Up on stage, Ranma-chan finally managed to complete the ending theme to El Hazard, kicking Kuno in the face as he reattempted to glomp her for the fourth time.  
  
"Are you kidding? Why would I do that when I have Kuno-baby to sponge off?" She looked at Akane, who gave her a disbelieving look. Nabiki? Turn down the chance to get more money?! "OK," she sighed. "I'm chicken," she admitted. "What about you?"  
  
Ranma-chan flopped onto her chair. "That tomboy, sing? Are you mad?!"  
  
Akane glared at her and stood up. "I'll show you, Ranma! Just you watch!" She stormed up to the stage and grabbed the microphone. ", Kiss me, I love the bearded barley, lightly, beside the green, green grass, swing, swing, swing the spinning step, you wear those shoes and I will wear that dress... oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight ...,"  
  
"OK, so the tomboy isn't half bad," Ranma-chan said grudgingly.  
  
Kuno bounded forward. "Akane Tendo, I will fulfill your request!"  
  
Akane kicked him in the head without breaking tune, then returned to her seat. "Ha! How was that then, Ranma?!"  
  
"You were OK, I suppose," Ranma-chan said in her best uninterested voice.  
  
They watched the judges whisper among themselves for a moment, before the main man (what else can I call him??) walked to the center of the stage. "The judges have made their decision. The winner is... Miss Keiko Hibiki!"  
  
"Yay!!" The black-haired kid (Now I can finally type her name!) bounced on stage and grabbed the prize money. "Thanx!"  
  
Ranma-chan and Akane exchanged glances. "Coincidence?" Akane asked weakly.  
  
"Hibiki is a pretty common surname..."  
  
"Hold it, you delinquent!!" All heads turned to the little girl stood in the doorway. "You've stolen my yen for the last time! I, Hinako Ninomiya shall bring you to justice!" She flicked a coin, catching it between finger and thumb. "HAPPO FIFTY YEN..."  
  
PING  
  
With a growl, Hinako-chan rooted through her pockets. "Uh... HAPPO FIF..."  
  
PING  
  
Another bracelet knocked the coin from her grasp. "QUIT IT!!!"  
  
"You've won the contest, kid, leave her alone," Ranma-chan advised. She lifted Keiko off the stage.  
  
The child squirmed in her grip. "Don't let her get the yen! Put me down!"  
  
"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!!"  
  
CHOMP  
  
Ranma-chan yelped and dropped Keiko like a hot potato as sharp teeth bit down on her arm. "You little..." She paused in shock, feeling her strength fade. "What the..."  
  
Everybody stared in shock as Hinako-chan's body grew, filling out her clothes and giving her height. She stepped over Ranma-chan's drained body and advanced on Keiko. "Take this, you little thief!" She made a triangle with her hands. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!!"  
  
At that moment, Ranma-chan stood up, only to be met will the full force of the blow. Keiko dodged and Ranma-chan became a part of the wall. "Owww...."  
  
"I did warn you!" was her parting call as she dashed out of the door, closely followed by the yelling form of Hinako-chan.  
  
"So when was it decided that I was going to marry him?!" Ukyo growled.  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. "You're the girl, remember? Although..." She paused. "I don't see why he can't marry a girl from here, though."  
  
"That I would do," proclaimed a voice behind her. Ryoga-chan jumped in surprise, turning to see Tinamous. He bowed down. "However, you may not have noticed, but this realm is sparsely populated. Although there are many pretty ladies here, there are not so many of my age, and those that are, my mother, the Lady Ibis, would not permit me to wed."  
  
"Shouldn't you have the choice though?" Ukyo asked. "I don't fancy being a divorcee at sixteen."  
  
"Younger than you are happy mothers made," Tinamous quipped. "My mother is all- powerful here. I had to fight for many months for the privilege to date with Yukio-chan."  
  
Ryoga-chan sighed. And too soon married are those so early made, she though, remembering the line after the one Tinamous had quoted. My will to her consent is but a part... if Ucchan doesn't want to marry the guy, she shouldn't have to, she decided. "Lord Tinamous... would you permit me to be your bride instead of Ucchan?"  
  
"If she would prefer," Tinamous said with a shrug.  
  
Ukyo stared at the other girl in amazement. "Y-you really mean it?" she whispered. Maybe... maybe he really does like me!  
  
Tinamous nodded slowly. "Very well then. I shall tell my mother that I will marry Ryoga."  
  
A new voice cut through the air. "So! I turn my back for five minutes and you're already gathering new brides!"  
  
There, framed in the doorway was a woman with short, dark brown hair. She was wearing a peacock-blue chinese dress and a scowl. A bandage was wrapped around her head. Oh yeah. And she was carrying a frying pan.  
  
"Y... YUKIO-CHAN!!" Tinamous jumped forward, arms outstretched.  
  
CLANG  
  
"Don't you Yukio-chan me!" She lifted the frying pan and glared at him some more. "I fell off a ladder and hit my head, winding up in hospital! Next thing I know, I'm being told you're choosing new brides!!!"  
  
"T-the curse..." Tinamous whimpered in defense.  
  
CLANGCLANGCLANG  
  
"HALLOWEEN'S NOT FOR THREE WEEKS! YOU COULD'VE WAITED!!"  
  
"I think I'm beginning to see the resemblance," Ryoga-chan noted.  
  
Tinamous finally managed to detach himself from the frying pan. "Yukio-chan... let me explain!" He grabbed her hands. "I did not know that you had been harmed. But, I do know that if by Halloween I am unwed, you know that all females in the realm would die." He paused for dramatic effect. "This would include you. Ryoga knows that I don't love her - she only agreed to marry me to help. Yukio-chan..." He drew her close. "I love you. Will you marry me?"  
  
Yukio looked at Ryoga-chan and Ukyo. "Is this the truth?"  
  
"Oh, absolutely!"  
  
"You betcha!"  
  
Yukio turned her gaze back to the young lord. "Tina-chan... I accept you proposal."  
  
"YATTA!!! Oops! Sorry!" Tinamous blushed.  
  
Ukyo smiled. "I don't want to be a nag or anything... but can we go home now???!"  
  
End Part III (Yeah, yeah... I know it was just a short one!)  
  
Note - (Geez! An authors note!) In so many fanfics, the maidens are kidnapped for princes/ lords/ kings/ royal viziers/ magicians/ wizards/ goblins/ aged TV presenters as brides. I thought it would be interesting for girls to be kidnapped by somebody who was entirely willing to let them go.   
  
===========  
  
PART IV  
  
Sweet dreams.  
  
===========  
  
Urd covered her ears as her youngest siblings tuneless warbling cut through her meditation. (Ie: drinking sake and watching TV.) "Skuld! Shut up!" Skuld ignored her. ", ... wancha in my room, we'll hic spend the night together, fer now intill...," She reached for the brandy again and Urd's eyes widened.  
  
"NO!" She grabbed the bottle away. "No more for you, runt!"  
  
Skuld's eyes welled up. "Y-you hate me?"  
  
Aw, geez! For a second, Urd considered calling Belldandy over to calm Skuld down, quickly banishing the idea as she realized she'd get a lecture on unhealthy amounts of alcohol. She knelt down and smiled at her sister. "I don't hate you, Skuld-chan."  
  
Skuld grinned, tears vanishing as quickly as they had appeared. Urd suddenly realized the lack of brandy bottle in her arms and looked up just in time to see Skuld swig a mouthful. "Tank oo, Urd-neechan!" Urd covered her ears as the lyrics started up again.  
  
Much to the relief of Urd's sanity, Ryoga-chan and Ukyo entered the restaurant before Skuld could really get into her singing. She stood up and bowed. "Hi, I..."  
  
"YURE BACK!!!" Skuld dropped her bottle and glomped Ryoga-chan, knocking them both over. "I waaaas soooooo worried!!!" She waved a finger blearily in front of the other girls nose. "Don-dontcha EVER scare l'il Skuld like dat agaaaaain!"  
  
Ukyo developed a twitch under her eye (very much like Akane) and began to glow. "WELL! Don't let me interrupt your happy reunion!!"  
  
Ryoga-chan managed to struggle into a sitting-up position. "W-wait! It's not what you..."  
  
THUMP  
  
"... think..." she finished from beneath Ukyo's elbow before falling over unconscious.  
  
"Wha-whatcha do that for?" Skuld mumbled, annoyed that the object of her support was less steady on it's feet than she was. "He dida do nuthin' to you..." she trailed off, turning a shade of pale green. "I'm gunna puke."  
  
Urd managed to drag her to the bathroom before Skuld ... you know. "Sorry about that," she said bashfully, returning. "I put some brandy in her cocoa and she decided she liked it."  
  
"Who are you?" Ryoga-chan asked, rubbing her head. She glanced around the room. "Where'd Skuld go?"  
  
"I'm Urd, Skuld's big sister. You must be Ryoga and Ukyo. I thought I should come and keep an eye on her while you were away," she explained. "Skuld's in the bathroom, yakking up her guts."  
  
Ukyo grimaced. "Rather more information than we needed."  
  
Ryoga-chan went through a quick dress-change/ sex-change before returning to the room. "We should go and tell the others we're back..."  
  
GLOMP  
  
"Yay! You back!" Skuld chirruped, apparently none the worse for wear. Until she passed out, still clinging to Ryoga's shirt.  
  
WHAMMO  
  
"OW!"  
  
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY HER?!!!"  
  
Urd watched the scene with interest. Getting these two together's gonna be one tough challenge, alright! She clapped her hands together. "Why not drop the sprog in her bed, then tell me how you managed to escape?" she suggested.  
  
Ukyo stopped turning Ryoga into bean paste for a moment. "We didn't escape, they let us go."  
  
"They let you go?!" Urd repeated in amazement. "But that defies all the 'maiden-stealing leading-men living in magical lands' laws!"  
  
Ukyo decided not to question that remark. "I'm going to go visit Ranchan now. Come on, Ryoga."  
  
"What? Me?" Ryoga pointed to himself in surprise. "You want me to come along too?"  
  
I'm not leaving you alone with them! She grinned at him. "Dontcha want to see Akane?"  
  
"I guess so..." he said half-heartedly, trying to detach himself from Skuld.  
  
"Great-grandmother, Shampoo think mission is hopeless." The purple haired amazon looked around her at the group of people. "Is no no good to try get lost with so many people, no? Someone always recognize place."  
  
Cologne nodded slowly. "I believe you're right, Shampoo. We should return to Nerima and re-evaluate our options."  
  
Nabiki wearily agreed. "Nerima's not far if you go by bus."  
  
"So once again, somebody know's where we are," Ranma grumbled. "Are you sure there's no other way to find this place?"  
  
"I could always wipe your mind clean of every place you've ever been, but you got rid of all my formula 114 shampoo," Cologne replied, glaring at Nabiki as she said this. Nabiki pretended not to notice and Cologne turned away, looking at the rest of the group. "So we're all agreed - go back to the Tendo homestead and make new plans, OK?"  
  
The gang agreed reluctantly. "Hey, Kuno-baby, if you pay for all of us to get a taxi, I'll give you five free photo's of the pigtailed girl," Nabiki offered.  
  
"Sold!"  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Not all of us are martial artists, Ranma," Nabiki whispered. "Unless you'd rather carry me back, I suggest you shut up and enjoy the ride."  
  
The two groups made it to the Tendo Dojo at the same time. I know, I know, Ryoga and Ukyo left ages ago, but made a quick stop at Doctor Tofu's along the way. (Let's go through it step by step. Mikado makes pass at Ukyo. Ryoga steps in to pound Mikado. Ukyo pounds Ryoga for interfering. Mikado makes another pass at Ukyo. Ukyo pounds Mikado, then pounds Ryoga again for not rescuing her.)  
  
Akane was the first to notice them. "Ukyo! Ryoga! You're back!"  
  
Darn! Oh well... Mousse did a quick inventory check. Out of firearms. Guess I can wait a little while.  
  
"They're back?" Cologne pogo ed over. "Well, well. What a stroke of good fortune."  
  
GLOMP  
  
"Oh you're safe, you're back I was so worried I'm glad you're OK I..." Mihoshi wailed.  
  
WHAM  
  
"Gee, aren't you the casanova," Ukyo spat, once again attaching her elbow to Ryoga's face. "Pretty ladies just queueing up to welcome you home!" She stormed over to Ranma, hugging him tight. "Didja miss me, Ranchan?"  
  
"I-uh-um... Akane, it's not what it looks like, I swear!" Ranma yelled on instinct.  
  
Akane simmered. "You think I'm going to throw a fit just because you're welcoming back a friend?" A friend, and NOTHING more! "Is that how little you think of me?!"  
  
Dear brain. By the time you receive this message, you will be crushed to pieces. It was nice knowing you.  
  
"RANMA, YOU JERK!"  
  
WHAM  
  
Ryoga slowly opened his eyes just in time to see Happosai loom into vision. "ARGH! HELP!"  
  
SPLASH  
  
"Why, hi there, cutie! Happy's happy to see you too!"  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU DISGUSTING COCKROACH!!!" Ryoga-chan gritted her teeth and struggled for a few moments before managing to channel several thousand gigawatts through the old man.  
  
"How dare you act so disrespectfully to your elder?!" Happosai snarled. "I'll..."  
  
Kasumi appeared at the door, instantly defusing the potentially dangerous situation. "Why, hello everyone. Why not come in?"  
  
As she stood aside to let them pass, Ranma grabbed Ryoga-chan by the arm. "Come with me. I found something you might find useful," he whispered before jumping through his window.  
  
CRASH  
  
"Maybe it would have been less painful to open that window first, Ranma?" Ryoga-chan said dryly.  
  
Ranma grumbled to himself for a moment, before walking (maybe painfully crawling is a better way to put it) over to his rucksack and pulling out a scroll. "Here. I found it when I was looking for the Desperation Strikes," he explained, tossing it to her.  
  
Could it be... the way to a cure? Ranma's found a cure and he's willing to share it! Ryoga-chan unrolled the scroll eagerly and read it. Her expression changed from happy to confused, then to furious. "Is this some kind of joke?!!"  
  
"Nope. That's tried and true techniques, passed down thr-ack!"  
  
Ryoga-chan shook him by the collar. "Saotome..."  
  
"I was only trying to help, y'ungrateful jerk!" Ranma asked, pulling away. "You don't want it then?"  
  
"I guess I'll hold onto it for a little while," Ryoga-chan replied unenthusiastically.  
  
Ukyo couldn't sleep.  
  
Pounding her pillow, she closed her eyes again, trying to empty her mind. Didn't even come close to working. With a sigh, she sat up and glared at the two soused goddesses sprawled asleep on the floor.  
  
Maybe a nice, hot drink will help... she thought, getting up and making her way to the kitchen.  
  
Waiting for the kettle to boil, her senses suddenly sprang to all-alert. Footsteps... She quickly dashed to the doorway and looked up the stairs, then heaved a sigh of relief. "Skuld!"  
  
Skuld plopped onto a chair and leaned her head against the table. "My head hurts..." she whined.  
  
"I'm not surprised," Ukyo said dryly. "You knocked back almost a whole bottle of brandy when you were worrying about Ryoga." She turned back to the kettle and poured out a cup of tea. "Want some?" she asked, turning back to the goddess.  
  
A thought suddenly jumped to the front of her mind, screaming for attention. Skuld and Ryoga!  
  
CRASH  
  
"Whawas that?" Skuld asked weakly, lifting her head off the table.  
  
"I-uh I dropped my cup..." Ukyo stuttered, backing out of the room. She ran up the stairs and sat down on one of the armchairs in her living room. Skuld and Ryoga... are a couple! She mentally kicked herself. Why hadn't she spotted it?! After all, Skuld was a cute goddess. She could have anyone she wanted. And Ryoga was hardly unattractive either, she admitted to herself. She should have noticed it! She popped up in his bath, they were always talking in his room, and they often disappeared at the same time - no doubt, out on some kind of date together. I've been dumped for a goddess, she thought dismally. This really sucks!  
  
Ryoga could sleep.  
  
This doesn't mean he enjoyed it. Ranma's scroll had brought that subject to the front of his mind, the one he was trying his hardest to forget about. Yup, THAT subject. Kissing Ukyo.  
  
Unfortunately, every likely scenario he could think of ended with grievously serious actual bodily harm and loss of money /pride / body parts.  
  
And like many people under a hell of a lot of stress (Macbeth, Anastasia, loads of the kids in the Nightmare on Elm Street films and my mate Cecilia), he started sleepwalking, his mind still searching for a solution that didn't involve mass amounts of pain.  
  
It was on Ukyo's return to her room that she walked into him. Instantly, The Likely Scenario went into replay. (Find Ukyo, kiss her, wait for pain, recuperate in hospital for the next six months.)  
  
Skuld stumbled up the stairs behind her. "He's sleepwalkin 'gain," she noted.  
  
"It's not another demon, is it?" Ukyo asked, before slapping herself in the forehead. Why am I asking somebody who's veins are 70% alcohol?!  
  
Skuld swayed. "Naaah. Jus shove 'im bach in his room an' he'll be fine."  
  
Some sixth sense told Ryoga that there was somebody in front of him. "... Ucchan?"  
  
"Yeah?" Ukyo asked, spinning around. Sleep-talking too. That's it buddy, you are going to a sleep clinic tomorrow!  
  
Her response reached Ryoga, interacting with the Ukyo in his dream. OK, first checkpoint. Find Ukyo - check. Second checkpoint (as if he could hardly forget it!). Kiss her. Now, how did Shampoo do it?  
  
"Come on, you," Ukyo said, taking hold of his arm. "Let's get you back-mmph!"  
  
Whatever she had been expecting, it definitely wasn't for Ryoga to lean forward, wrap his arms around her waist, whisper "Je t'aime," and gently kiss her on the lips, effectively cutting off both the rest of her sentence and all rational thought. Frozen in shock, she simply stood there, blinking in amazement until he pulled away.  
  
Skuld began to wonder exactly how much she'd had to drink.  
  
Ryoga continued to wait for pain, pain that Ukyo was in too much shock to dish out. Finally, he accepted that nothing was going to happen to him, and he wandered away - surprisingly enough, back to his own room.  
  
Ukyo slowly turned around and stared at Skuld. "D-did he just... d-did we... you saw... did he..."  
  
Skuld nodded. "He did."  
  
Ukyo nodded slowly. "He was asleep, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"You are drunk, right?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Nobody need ever know about this," Ukyo finished, heading back to her room. And I'm never going to think about it again.  
  
End Part IV  
  
===================================  
  
PART V  
  
Certain Death Teacher!  
  
Schooldays are NOT the Best Days of Our Lives.  
  
===================================  
  
"Morning, squirt. How's your head?"  
  
Skuld groaned. "Kill me. Please."  
  
"Not good, eh?" Urd noticed. She turned back to her cooking to hide a wry grin. That'll teach you that big sister knows best!  
  
Skuld winced as Urds voice rang in her ears and pounded through her head. So this was what hangovers felt like. Next time I'll sympathize with Urd, she thought, glaring at her reflection in the grill. Her head was thumping, her mouth was dry and there was a nasty taste and she looked worse than the Grim Reapers passport photo. Also, she kept seeing disturbing images in her mind and she was still trying to ascertain which were real and which weren't. "Ukyo and Ryoga are back, right?"  
  
"Yep." Urd looked at the clock. "If fact, if they don't get up soon, they'll be late for school."  
  
Ryoga chose that second to come charging down the stairs, much to Skuld's despair. "Morning! Where's Ucchan? We'll be late!"  
  
"She's still asleep. Breakfast?" Urd offered the pan forward.  
  
Ryoga studied the contents for a moment, then decided it would be kinder to his stomach to decline. "No thank you. I'll go wake her up." He vanished up the stairs. There was a few moments of silence before...  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!"  
  
CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG  
  
CRASH  
  
Looooong pause. Urd and Skuld stared at the new hole in the ceiling/ floor, then at the crash site where Ryoga was lying, covered by the telltale marks of Ukyo's patented spatula attacks.  
  
"I have a question," Urd said finally.  
  
"What?" Skuld asked weakly.  
  
She held out the pan of mixed giblets- uh, food - under Skuld's nose. "Do you think this needs more salt?"  
  
Skuld pushed it away and knelt down next to Ryoga's prone form. "Hey! What did you do to her?!"  
  
Ryoga opened his eyes and groaned. "I woke her up, that's all!"  
  
Ukyo thundered down the stairs. "Sorry! You made me jump!" She grabbed him by the knot of his bandanna. "Come on, we're late!"  
  
"Wait! My book bag! My breakfast! Ucchan waaaaiiiit!!!  
  
"Aloooohhhhaaaa, keiki! Da big Kahuna got sometin ta say. Seein how Halloween comin close an' all, I gone an' decided ta t'row all my keiki a big ol' luau." Silence echoed through the room. However, the principal ignored it and continued his little speech. "An another thin, you is havin bran' new teacher! She clean up three reform schools!"  
  
"Furinkan? A reform school?" Hiroshi commented.  
  
"Yay. New teacher," Ranma groaned. "Anyone he likes means trouble for us."  
  
"Allow me to introduce Miss Hinako Ninomiya!"  
  
He waved at the doorway and a cute little girl bounced into the room. "Hi! I'm Hinako Ninomiya!" She leaned forward and waved a finger threateningly. "All you bad kids better watch out!!!!"  
  
Akane, Ranma and Mihoshi stared at her in amazement - Ranma in particular, remembering the draining technique she'd used on him. All the other students merely face- faulted. Still smiling, Hinako-chan looked around the room, until her gaze fell upon Ryoga. The smile wavering somewhat, she bounced over to him. "Are you Ryoga Hibiki?"  
  
Ryoga snapped out of his daydream and looked around in confusion. "Who, me? Yes, I am. Why?"  
  
"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!"  
  
The rest of the class watched with a mixture of shock, amazement and lust (from the boys! the boys! Well, maybe some of the girls too...) as Hinako-chan changed from child to adult, leaving Ryoga lying limply atop his desk. She smiled and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Let that be a warning to you all." She walked over to the blackboard. "I'll be taking you for english..."  
  
Screams from outside cut through her speech and she walked over to the window, the rest of the class (a VERY safe distance behind her.)  
  
"Give us back our gym shorts, you old lecher!!!"  
  
"Dirty old pervert!!"  
  
"Come on, girls! Get the dirty old man!!"  
  
Happosai bounced in front of his trademark stampede of girls, wearing a Furinkan High uniform. (Where he got one for someone a foot tall still beats me!) "Old man?! Can't you see my uniform?!"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "He thinks people are going to fall for that?!"  
  
Hinako gasped. "A delinquent student!" She vaulted out of the window and landed in front of the stampede path. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!!!"  
  
A wave of ki slammed into Happosai, knocking him back into the gang of girls, who immediately set about turning him into pancake batter or your best offer. Hinako-chan bounced up and down. "Yay! Bulls-eye!"  
  
"You... little... brat..." Happosai gasped, climbing unsteadily to his feet and lurching forward. "Take this!!!"  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM  
  
"Woah! That's some battle aura!" Ranma looked down at the battlefield, impressed.  
  
"Do you think she'll be OK?" Ukyo asked.  
  
Akane nodded. "Watch."  
  
"HAPPO FIVE YEN SATSU!!!"  
  
Ukyo blinked. "That's... some technique she's got!" She turned to Ranma. "You know her?"  
  
"We met her when we were looking for the Realm of Lost Spirits," Ranma explained. "I didn't know she was going to be our teacher, though."  
  
Outside, Hinako smirked down at Happosai. "Feel the power of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts Ultimate Attack, delinquent!" she said triumphantly.  
  
"Anything Goes...?" Akane wondered aloud.  
  
"She nailed Happosai in one blow!" Mihoshi gushed.  
  
Hinako returned to the room and shooed the students away from the window. "Back to your seats!"  
  
Class continued uneventfully for a while, until Ryoga regained consciousness. He blinked a few times, then leaned over and poked Ranma. "Who's that woman? Where'd the little girl go?"  
  
Hinako whirled around. "Mr Hibiki! No talking in class! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"  
  
With that, Ryoga found himself part of the structure of the building. Why me...  
  
Hinako walked down the corridor, closely followed by a crowd of boys.  
  
"What's your favourite food?!"  
  
"Can you give us your measurements?!"  
  
"How about your phone number?!"  
  
She laughed lightly. "Boys, students shouldn't hit on their teachers, you know."  
  
"Well, can you at least tell us what kind of guys you like?" Hiroshi asked curiously.  
  
Hinako stopped walking and the boys all waited eagerly. "Well, he'd have to strong - someone I could count on..." She paused and watched Ranma, Akane, Ukyo and Ryoga walk by. (Ryoga supported by both Ranma and Ukyo thanks to having been drained for not paying attention in class.) She narrowed her eyes. If you're anything like your sister, Mr Hibiki, I just know you'll be the greatest delinquent in this school... I've got my eye on you!  
  
A chill went down Ryoga's spine.  
  
Ranma turned around and glanced at Hinako. "Those techniques of hers are amazing..."  
  
"They're also painfully irritating," Ryoga grumbled.  
  
Hinako whipped around. "Mock my teaching methods, will you?!! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!!" She stalked away, a trail of boys left in her wake.  
  
Ranma pried Ryoga out of the wall. "What did you to her? She seems to have some kind of grudge against you."  
  
"I didn't do anything to her! She just has it in for me!" Ryoga protested, trying to find his balance.  
  
Akane shook her head. "There has to be more to it than that. Not paying attention in class can hardly be classed as a zappable offence."  
  
"Maybe you blundered through her wall or something," Ukyo suggested. Or maybe you kissed her on one of your midnight wanders... She shook her head. NO! I won't think about that!  
  
Ranma watched Ryoga wobble again. "Come on, I'll take you to the nurses office."  
  
"I don't need your help, Ranma," Ryoga growled through gritted teeth.  
  
"Yeah? And how long do you think it'll take you to find it on your own? Let Ranchan help you," Ukyo advised. "Come on Akane, we've got PE next. We'd better start getting changed."  
  
"Do you think it's the coin that's the source of her power?"  
  
Ryoga watched Ranma pace the floor of the nurses station like a caged animal and shook his head. "Don't be a dunce. She uses different coins. And she didn't use any coin for that no yen return thing."  
  
"Happo No Yen Coin Return," Ranma corrected. He sighed. "Wouldn't it be great to have an ultimate technique like that... do you think she'd teach me it?"  
  
"Forget it. You wouldn't be able to use the Happo Five Yen Satsu if you stood on your head."  
  
Ranma spun around. Happosai fluttered into the room. "What do you mean by that, you little lecher?!"  
  
"Hinako has a specially modified metabolism, which enables her to drain battle auras," Happosai explained. "However, there is a way to combat this." He held out a scroll. "These pressure points will cut off her powers for good." He wobbled a little before continuing. "Ranma, m'boy, it's up to you to put a stop to Hinako, for the sake of all the martial artists in the world!"  
  
"Hey! What about me, I'M the one she hates!" Ryoga cut in.  
  
Happosai looked at him, then at Ranma. "Why not work together? If you combine your talents you should be able to defeat her."  
  
Ranma and Ryoga exchanged a Look, before nodding grudgingly. "You distract her and I'll get her pressure points, OK?" Ranma decided. "You could Bakusai Tenketsu a wall or something."  
  
Ryoga nodded and stood up. "Let's go."  
  
"BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!"  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM  
  
Ryoga stood back and studied his handiwork, waiting for the fireworks to commence. He wasn't disappointed.  
  
"Mr Hibiki! How DARE you vandalize school property!!" Hinako-chan cried, stamping her foot on the floor.  
  
"Sorry, Teach. I couldn't find my classroom," Ryoga lied (sort of).  
  
"That's no excuse! HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!!" Hinako-chan whipped out her fifty yen piece and began draining him. Ranma leapt down from his perch on the ceiling, landing behind her and looped an arm around her in an attempt to get to the pressure points, knocking her off balance. All three of them landed in a very compromising tangle.  
  
187: Neriman Compromising Positions Law.  
  
1. When people of the opposite sex are in a compromising situation a third party will 2. often witness said compromising position and jump to the wrong conclusion as 3. quickly as possible. Eg: If a Tendo daughter is caught in a compromising situation with a male (usually Ranma), Soun Tendo will walk in at the worst (or best, depending on your point of view) moment.  
  
A large number of students had decided to investigate the explosion and ran around the corner before the three could sort themselves out. There was a short pause. Then whispers began, getting louder and louder.  
  
"Look at that! Ranma Saotome's trying to add an older woman to his list of conquests!"  
  
"I never knew those guys were into threesomes..."  
  
"I always knew there was something strange about those two!" "I heard they take it in turns to be the girl."  
  
"Well, I heard that that Hibiki guy wears Kuonji's underwear."  
  
"Uh oh. Here comes Akane!"  
  
"And Ukyo too. They look mad!"  
  
The crowd parted before the two girls. Akane cracked her knuckles. "RAAAANNNNMMMMAAAA... not only do you try it on with another woman, but you drag poor Ryoga into this mess too!!"  
  
"Don't you 'poor Ryoga' him, he probably talked Ranchan into this!" Ukyo snarled, waving her spatula around.  
  
"W-wait! It's not what you think!" Ryoga protested.  
  
"Akane, I can explain!" Ranma jumped to his feet and backed away, closely followed by Ryoga.  
  
Hinako stood up, flicking her hair behind her shoulder. "I see what happened. You," she began, pointing at Ryoga, "must have talked Mr Saotome into this! I knew you were a delinquent the moment I set eyes on you!"  
  
"T-that's insane!" Ryoga protested. Then he jumped to one side to avoid the spatula, which struck the spot where he'd been a second before. "Ucchan, it's a lie! I didn't do anything!"  
  
"Save it, Hibiki!" Ukyo snarled. "Prepare to die!!!"  
  
CLANNNNNGCRASHBANGCLANGCLANGCLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNG  
  
"Wow, she really got you good," Ranma commented, examining the crumpled heap that was Ryoga.  
  
Ryoga groaned and stood up slowly. "She is SUCH a tomboy. I can't kiss her, Ranma. She'd kill me first."  
  
"How's that going, anyway?" Ranma asked eagerly. If those two get together then all my problems are solved!!! Wahahahahaha!!!!!...  
  
In response, Ryoga merely glared at him and waved down at himself, cuts, bruises and rips in his clothing clearly evident. "What do YOU think?"  
  
"Point taken."  
  
"There's no way I can do it, Ranma! Please, let me do something else," he begged.  
  
Ranma pretended to consider it for a second. "OK, you can tell Akane that you're P- chan."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
A voice spoke behind them. "Shouldn't you boys be in class?"  
  
Ranma jumped into Ryoga's arms. "Don't zap me! He's the delinquent!"  
  
Washu looked puzzled. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Washu Little Sensei! It's only you!" Ranma laughed in relief. "I thought you were Miss Hinako."  
  
Ryoga let go of Ranma, dropping him on his butt on the floor. Washu laughed, then switched to stern. "Little Washu. Seriously, you should be in class. You'd better have a good excuse or I'll have to make you carry buckets."  
  
"I was leading lost boy to the nurses office - again," Ranma told her, climbing to his feet and rubbing his rear. "That hurt, you know."  
  
Washu looked at Ryoga with the trained eye of a mother and a total and utter scientific genius. "You should go home. But go to the nurses office - I'll write you a hall pass."  
  
"Thanks, Sensei Washu." Washu returned to her classroom and the other two began to walk away, taking the outside route..  
  
SPLASH  
  
"Do you think there was someone out there?"  
  
Ranma-chan shook her fist at the sky. "Could you guys at least LOOK out of the window before you throw buckets out of them??!!"  
  
End Part V  
  
===========================  
  
PART VI Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave  
  
When First We Practice To...  
  
===========================  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Ryoga-chan spun around to see Hinako-chan standing behind her. Not again!! Then she remembered the all-important piece of paper she was holding, and waved it like the white flag it was. "Hall pass! Hall pass! See, I have a hall pass and you can't hurt me!" She resisted the urge to add "so neener-neener-neener!"  
  
Hinako-chan blinked. "I was just wondering if you knew where the plasters were. I got a paper cut and it hurts." She leaned closer to Ryoga-chan and narrowed her eyes. "Are you related to Ryoga Hibiki?" she asked suspiciously.  
  
It was then that Ryoga-chan realized Hinako-chan didn't recognize her. Well, she wasn't about to make the situation worse, anyway. "No! No, my name's... uh... Ranka. Ranka... uh... Kurenai." She laughed nervously. "Yeah, Ranka Kurenai. That's me all right!"  
  
Hinako-chan looked at her in concern. "What happened to you? You look hurt."  
  
"I uh... got into a bit of a fight..."  
  
"Ladies shouldn't really fight, you know," Hinako advised. "If you tell me who beat you up, I'll discipline them. It's a teachers duty!!"  
  
"Nonono!! That's fine, that's OK, really!" Ryoga-chan held her hands out defensively. "The other guy looks worse off, believe me," she lied through her teeth.  
  
Thankfully, she was saved by the arrival of the school nurse. "You again," she sighed. "Come on in then." Ryoga-chan instantly fled to the sanctuary of the nurses office.  
  
Hinako-chan hovered around outside patiently, still on her quest for plasters when Ryoga gender properly restored - emerged from the office covered in cuts, scratches, bandages, multi coloured plasters and gauze trimmings. (And his clothes. I shouldn't have to say that!) He blinked at her in fear. "Uh... you're still here??" he enquired weakly.  
  
Hinako-chan glared at him for a moment. "You!" She posed dramatically. "You must have been the one who beat up that nice Ranka girl!"  
  
"..."  
  
"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!!!!"  
  
Oh man... not again! Ryoga thought as his strength began to fade. He looked at Hinako's rapidly aging body and made a split second decision. This is no time to be shy... if she keeps draining my battle aura, she could kill me! And with that thought, he glomped.  
  
Luck was (as per usual) once again not on Ryoga's side as everybody's favourite extortionist and blackmailer, Nabiki Tendo chose that second to fetch the nurse to bring aid to Furinkan's favourite blunt object, Tatewaki Kuno. She took in the scene before her, eyes agog. And here I thought the guy was the biggest wuss on the planet when it came to touching a girl! Finally, she spoke.  
  
"Oh my!"  
  
Hinako and Ryoga froze, then slowly swivelled their heads to look in Nabiki's direction. There was a loooooong silence.  
  
"Excuse me. Very sorry." Nabiki stepped back into the corridor and closed the door behind her.  
  
The closing click of the door jarred them out of their temporary shock. "N-Nabiki, wait!" Ryoga ran to the door and opened it and ran down the hallway. In the opposite direction. "It's not what you think!"  
  
Hinako glared daggers after him. Why, that... lady-killing delinquent! She posed dramatically, waves crashing behind her. "I swear, Ryoga Hibiki, I will bring you to justice!!!"  
  
"Looks like our new teacher has a few screws loose," Ayeka remarked just out of Hinako's earshot.  
  
"Great. Now she matches all the others," Tenchi replied.  
  
"... And I saw them with my own two eyes! Unable to keep their hands off of each other!" Nabiki retold her story to the little group around her, who gasped in amazement and whispered among themselves.  
  
There were, of course, a few sceptics.  
  
"Yeah right, Nabiki," Mihoshi scoffed. "She's his teacher."  
  
"And she seems to really hate him," Ukyo pointed out.  
  
Nabiki laughed. "You two are sooo naive. Think about it. Ryoga, the eternally lost boy, gets lost one day and..."  
  
FLOATING PUBLIC DAYDREAM SEQUENCE  
  
Chibi-Hinako is being chased by rabid wolves.  
  
Chibi-Hinako: Eek! Help me, somebody!  
  
Chibi-Ryoga: I'll save you, miss!  
  
Chibi-Ryoga beats the wolves and Chibi-Hinako falls into his arms, sobbing.  
  
Chibi-Hinako: Oh, my savior! How can I ever thank you??!!  
  
"...And so begins the love affair," Nabiki continued. "But then, Ryoga gets lost again. Heart-broken, Hinako scours the world, searching for her long-lost love. Finally, she finds out that he's at Furinkan High, so she takes a job as a teacher to be close to him... would the loser with the violin please quit it?!! Thank you." She paused thoughtfully. "Now, where was I? Oh yes!" She snapped her fingers and continued. "She takes a job as a teacher, to scrape up enough money for them both to run away together, but neither of them can stand to be away from each other. They steal a few precious moments together whenever they can, away from prying eyes and ears..."  
  
YET ANOTHER FLOATING PUBLIC DREAM SEQUENCE  
  
Chibi-Ryoga meets Chibi-Hinako in her office when nobody's looking.  
  
Chibi-Hinako: Oh Ryo-chan, my one and only, how I've missed you!  
  
Chibi-Hinako and Chibi-Ryoga start kissing in a way that makes Romeo and Juliet look like Rosie and Jim. (BBC puppet show if you don't get it.) Finally, Chibi-Ryoga pulls away.  
  
Chibi-Ryoga: Hina-chan, we mustn't! What if somebody were to find out?  
  
Chibi-Hinako starts to cry.  
  
Chibi-Hinako: Oh, you're right, my darling. But yet, I can't stand to be apart from you!  
  
Chibi-Ryoga: Or I, you.  
  
They kiss again, then Chibi-Hinako pulls away.  
  
Chibi-Hinako: I have an idea. If I pretend to dislike you, then nobody will know of our secret!  
  
Chibi-Ryoga: Hina-chan, you're a genius!  
  
Chibi-Hinako: Oh Ryo-chan...  
  
"...And like a whirlwind of love, he sweeps her into his arms, his kisses on her lips like rain on parched earth, oo-wah oo-wah," Nabiki finished, holding a microphone. (Been around Kuno too long, I reckon.)  
  
There was a small silence. "You're crazy!" Ukyo finally spluttered.  
  
"Am I?" Nabiki said smugly. "Normally I would charge for this, but I believe you have to be told." She handed over a photograph. Ukyo fell over backwards, still holding the photograph of Ryoga with his hand on Hinako's breast. Nabiki patted her on the shoulder as she slowly stood up. "You poor, misled girl, you must be heartbroken," she said in a soothing voice.  
  
"How did you get this photo?" Ukyo asked quietly.  
  
"Ah, the wonders of modern technology," Nabiki said proudly. Ukyo looked blank. "I have a camera in my watch," she explained.  
  
Just then, Ryoga charged through the door and dove under a desk. Before anyone could react, Hinako-chan charged into the room as well. "WHERE IS THAT DELINQUENT, HIBIKI?!!!" she yelled, battle aura lighting her up like a bonfire.  
  
Ukyo pointed out of the door. "He ran towards the gym," she lied before anybody else could get a word in. Hinako-chan vanished as quickly as she had appeared.  
  
Ryoga emerged from his hidey hole. "Thanks, Ucchan," he said, gratefully. "I thought she was going to kill me."  
  
Everyone was on standby for fireworks. They weren't disappointed. "I wouldn't let her kill you, Ryoga," Ukyo said sweetly. She reached for her battle spatula. "BECAUSE I WANT THAT PLEASURE FOR MYSELF!!!!"  
  
The rest of this scene has not made it through the BBFC due to the adverse amount of violence. If you think that's bad, you don't wanna know what they did to La Blue Girl. (And no searching of the cutting-room floors!) -  
  
Desperate times call for desperate measure. With that thought, Ryoga pulled the scroll out of his bag. Saotome School of Anything Goes Making Women Fall in Love With You. Sheesh! He continued reading as he limped down the corridor. "Step one, if she's cold, make her laugh. She'll love you for it." He looked up at the classroom and grinned. Yes! I made it all the way to Ucchan's classroom without getting lost!  
  
Ukyo glanced at him as the class piled out, before giving a haughty sniff and walking past him, nose in the air. Undeterred, he walked after her. "Hey, Ucchan, I heard this really good joke, and I wanted to tell you it." He waited for some kind of response but got none. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. "Why did the biscuit cry?"  
  
"Because his mother was a wafer so long," Ukyo snapped, turning on him. "If you want to make me laugh, go and jump in the spring of drowned lemming, then find a brick wall to hurl yourself off!" She stomped off, leaving him standing there, baffled.  
  
"OK, so that didn't work." He pulled out the scroll and read the next step. "Step two, if you can't push, pull. A woman spurned is a woman intrigued. Hmmm..." Looking around him, he spotted a familiar face. "Hey, Ryoko!"  
  
The space pirate turned around. "Yes?"  
  
"How would you like to make Tenchi jealous?"  
  
Ryoko was getting a little too into her role, Ryoga deduced, as she slung her arms around his neck and purred in his ear. "Why so shy, darling?" she teased.  
  
"It's only an act, you don't have to glomp me," he whispered back. I get enough of that from Chinese amazons!  
  
Ryoko ignored him, then suddenly tightened her grip. The reason soon became clear. "Hi Tenchi!"  
  
"Ryoko! ...Ryoga!" Tenchi looked from one to the other.  
  
"Could you tell Sasami not to make me any tea?" Ryoko asked, nuzzling Ryoga's neck. "We're going out to dinner."  
  
"Oh. I didn't know you two were a couple...?" Tenchi said, smiling vaguely.  
  
"We've been dating for simply aaaaages," Ryoko lied. She dug her nails into Ryoga's arm. "Haven't we, honeybunch?!"  
  
"Uh... yeah. Yeah!" Ryoga gave up trying to loosen her grip. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed?"  
  
"Welllll... you two have fun," Tenchi said, backing away. He turned and ran.  
  
Ryoko collapsed into giggles. "Oh, the look on his face!!"  
  
Ryoga turned slowly. "Uh... I think I understand why he ran..."  
  
Ryoko turned as well. Behind them, stood Ukyo with a battle aura that could put Rudolf out of business. Ryoko backed away, leaving Ryoga to face the music. "There's... uh...someplace I have to be..."  
  
Ukyo held her spatula menacingly. "You... you... CASANOVA!"  
  
"W-wait, Ucchan, I can explain!"  
  
"What's there to explain?!" she hissed. "You say you're in love with Akane, you're stringing along Mihoshi, you kiss Shampoo, you date Skuld, you're having a secret affair with your ENGLISH TEACHER and now you're dating Ryoko too??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Ryoga stared at her in amazement. "WHAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"DRY UP AND DIE, YOU TOTAL JACKASS!!!"  
  
CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNG  
  
"Nice angle," Ryoko observed. Ukyo turned the evil eye on her. Then a look of fear crossed her face before she ran for the hills.  
  
With a sense of extreme foreboding, Ryoko turned around to see Mihoshi standing behind her. "Hello Ryoko."  
  
"Uh... I can explain, Mihoshi! Really!" Ryoko backed away.  
  
Mihoshi gave her a saccharin sweet smile. "Don't bother. JUST DIE!!"  
  
Genma and Ranma were sparring above the pond. For once, neither of them seemed to gain the upper hand. Kasumi popped her head around the doorway. "Ranma, Mr Saotome, dinner is ready."  
  
The two martial artists landed at opposite sides of the pond. "Be right there!" Ranma called.  
  
"I think this the first time you've called those two in from a practice and neither of them has gotten wet," Akane observed.  
  
"....aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
SPLAAAAAAAAAAASH  
  
"You had ta say that, didn't you," Ranma-chan grumbled, wringing water out of her shirt. She reached into the pond and dragged a semi-conscious Ryoga-chan out by her collar. "Yo, Ryoga! What happened?"  
  
Ryoga-chan glared at her. "Step Two. Backfired." She coughed. "I mean, REALLY backfired."  
  
"Ouch," Ranma said sympathetically. "So it's Step Three then, show her that you need her." He grinned. "Akane can cook you dinner, then I'll slam you back to Ucchans."  
  
"Ugh. Haven't I suffered enough already?" she groaned.  
  
"No." Ranma smiled sweetly. "So how's things going with Hinako?"  
  
"Curl up and die, Saotome. I..." Ryoga-chan stopped in mid-rant, her eyes widening, before jumping to her feet and grabbing Ranma's sleeve. "Has Hinako seen your female form yet?"  
  
Ranma thought for a moment. "No. Why?"  
  
Ryoga-chan grinned slyly. "I think I've just worked out how to get those pressure points without us looking like total perverts..."  
  
Skuld, hangover now completely vanished, watched her elder sister as she sorted through a variety of powders, potions and poisons. "Aha!" Urd cried, finally triumphant as she held up a bag of pale peach powder. "Found it!"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
The elder goddess smiled happily. "It's an affection powder. When Ukyo returns, we toss a small bit of it at her so she inhales it, then she'll have heightened feelings of affection for the next man she sees. That way, she'll stop beating him up at every available opportunity. And when she realizes how much fun they both have when they're being nice to each other, she won't need the powder."  
  
Skuld frowned. "Are you sure it's a good idea? Magically aided love affairs in Nerima fail 94% of the time."  
  
Urd snorted. "87% of statistics are made up on the spot." She spun around and placed her hands on Skuld's shoulders. "Look, squirt, meddling in peoples love lives is what I do best. Trust me a little, OK?"  
  
Skuld sighed. "I..."  
  
"I HATE THAT JERK!!!"  
  
BANG  
  
With a shriek of surprise, Urd flung her hands into the air as Ukyo slammed the door violently behind her. The bag of affection powder spiralled through the air.... until it struck the wall and exploded.  
  
End Part VI  
  
=========================  
  
PART VII  
  
Two's Company, Three's a Mess.  
  
=========================  
  
Ukyo coughed and waved her hands, trying to fend away the peach cloud enveloping her. "What the hell IS this stuff?!!!"  
  
Ohshitohshitohshit!!! Urd hyperventilated. She charged through the rapidly dispersing cloud to her collection of magical goods. "Everybody, stay calm!!!"  
  
CRASH  
  
Ryoga landed (amidst most of the roof and ceiling) in an untidy heap on the floor. "Owww... Ranma, your aim's off!"  
  
The three girls stood stock-still for a moment, until the powder took full control. "Ryoga, you poor thing! What happened to you?!" Urd cried in horror. "I'll go get the first aid kit," she cried, vanishing.  
  
Ukyo smiled at him. "Come on sweetie. I'll make you an okonomiyaki."  
  
Ryoga blinked in amazement. Wow! Step Three... actually seems to be working!!!  
  
"Drink?" offered a voice over his shoulder.  
  
"Thanks!" Climbing painfully to his feet, he accepted the glass of orange juice from Skuld's outstretched hands and took a swig. "Hey!" He peered at the contents suspiciously, then at Skuld. "This isn't orange juice - it's Bucks Fizz! Are you trying to get me drunk?" he half-teased.  
  
Skuld grinned and dragged him into the small living room and over to the sofa. "Yep. Then I shall take compromising photographs of you and send them to as many international newspapers as I can. Of course," she added, "we'll have to sort out those injuries." She leaned towards him as close as possible, pretending to examine the slight damage remaining from the air trip across town. Careful now... don't want to be too obvious, she warned herself.  
  
Urd re-entered the room with the speed and grace of a small tornado, settling down on the other side of Ryoga. Skuld glared at her. "I'm guessing you have some kind of reason for changing into a nurse's outfit, eh, onee-chan?"  
  
Urd pretended to look hurt. "Just getting into the mood." "I'll bet!"  
  
Ryoga looked at the two goddesses with a growing feeling of unease. "Well, I'm feeling much better," he began in a falsely cheerful voice. "So why don't I just leave you two ladies here..."  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
Ryoga backed as far into the sofa as he could with a small squeak of fright as two angry faces filled his line of vision. "Just a suggestion!"  
  
Ukyo bounced into the room, okonomiyaki held aloft like a trophy. Her eyes scanned the sofa, which Urd and Skuld were doing there best to fill. Oh well... I'll just sit... She sat down on Ryoga's lap. "Here!"  
  
This was just TOO strange, even on a normal day. Poor Ryoga vacated his seat so fast he managed a small sonic boom. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!?!!!?!!!?!!!" he yelled, face beet-red and heart pounding. "Have you gone INSANE?!!?!!"  
  
Ukyo pouted. "I was just trying to make up for being such a grouch earlier."  
  
Ryoga continued to back away. "Great. That's wonderful. I forgive you, so now you can go back to behaving like you normally do."  
  
"Would you rather I beat you senseless?" Ukyo asked sweetly.  
  
"Uh... no?"  
  
Blossoms of innocence bloomed around Ukyo as she advanced on him. "So sit down and eat. I won't bite," she teased. A crafty glint appeared in her eyes. "Unless you want me to..."  
  
THUMPBANG  
  
The plate of okonomiyaki bounced across the floor, much to Ryoga's dismay. "I was hungry!"  
  
Urd removed her elbow from the top of Ukyo's head. "I'll make you some food!"  
  
Ukyo pushed Skuld's long handled mallet away from her skull and stepped in front of the tall goddess. "He's MY fiancee, I'LL cook for him!"  
  
"Like hell you will!"  
  
"Watch me!!"  
  
What is with those two...? Ryoga cast a wary glance at Skuld. "You haven't gone peculiar as well, have you?"  
  
Skuld smiled. "Peculiar? Moi?" This is my chance! She linked her arm through his. "Why don't we get out of the firing line and I'll show you my latest weapon for mass demon destruction, eh?"  
  
"Sounds good," Ryoga agreed. Sounds normal. Sounds... safe.  
  
Skuld grinned evilly at the kitchen where the sound effects from World War III could currently be heard and herded Ryoga out of the room.  
  
Ukyo eyed Urd's cooking with distaste. "You actually think he'll willingly eat that stuff?!" she asked scornfully. "If I were him, I'd eat Kodachi's cooking before that slop."  
  
Urd gritted her teeth and looked at the.... a word has yet to be invented to describe what she'd created - to call it food would be blasphemy. She had to admit, it didn't look good. In fact, it didn't even look remotely edible. Then she smirked. I'll just have to find some other way to knock his socks off! She patted Ukyo on the shoulder. "You're right. I'll go and send Ryoga in, OK?"  
  
Ukyo nodded and looked at the meal she was carefully preparing. "I hope he likes it..."  
  
"I'm sure he will," Urd reassured her, looking at the perfect wakatakejiru, the perfect teriyaki chicken, the perfect... need I go on? Pity he won't get to eat it!  
  
"So where's this new weapon?"  
  
Skuld blinked. "What new weapon?" she asked innocently.  
  
Ryoga frowned and spoke slowly. "The new weapon you wanted to show me...?"  
  
"Oh yeah." Skuld looked thoughtful, then smiled sweetly. "I lied."  
  
"Bwah?!" Ryoga gaped at her. "W-why?!"  
  
"To get you alone, of course," Skuld explained matter-of-factly. Impulsively, she hugged him. "I love you," she whispered.  
  
Ryoga's brain almost self-destructed, except for one thought. If Ucchan catches us, she'll murder us both! He wriggled away hurriedly. "What's going on? Is this some kind of trick?" As far as he knew, it wasn't April 1st.  
  
"After all the time we've spent together... you don't feel anything too???" Skuld's eyes filled with tears. "Y-you d-don't like me???"  
  
"B-b-but...." Ryoga didn't have the faintest clue how to handle crying girls - especially crying girls who'd just proclaimed their love for him. Help... He inched forward warily. "I-I do like you, Skuld, but-"  
  
GLOMP  
  
"OooohyouDOcareI'msohappythisisthebestdayofmyentireLIFE..." Skuld wailed into his shirt.  
  
Dear God, I swear if you get me out of this, I'll never ask for anything more in my entire life... except for a couple of favors every now and again, Ryoga's mind babbled.  
  
Urd chose that moment to enter the room, dressed in one of her spectacular outfits that showed off maximum skin and almost killed Ryoga on the spot. "SKULD???!"  
  
Skuld gulped. "...Hi?"  
  
Urd grabbed her little sister by the collar and forcefully dragged her away from the new love of her life, who was still paralysed. "You little BRAT, what d'you think you're playing at?!?!?!"  
  
"Don't call me a brat!" Skuld retorted. "I'm not some kind of little kid, you know!"  
  
Urd grabbed Ryoga by the arm and yanked him towards the door. "Go play with your dolls. You're still too young to be thinking about boys."  
  
Skuld grabbed hold of his other arm and pulled. "He's MINE!! I was here FIRST!!"  
  
"Back off, runt!"  
  
"Let go of him!"  
  
"In your dreams!!!"  
  
"YOU'RE PULLING MY ARMS OFF!!!"  
  
Both goddesses stepped back, looking slightly guilty. "Sorry."  
  
Ryoga looked at them both. "What's going on?" He peered at them closely. "Have you two been to the Nekohanten lately?"  
  
"No," they replied simultaneously.  
  
"Then what's the story?" he questioned uneasily.  
  
Urd launched herself at him. "We just think you deserve better." She grinned. "Like me."  
  
Skuld yanked her sister by her hair and stepped around her. "Forget that geriatric old woman, I'll show you a much better time," she boasted.  
  
"GERIATRIC OLD WOMAN?!!!!!!!!!" Urd's face was contorted with fury. "WHY... YOU..."  
  
"OWWWEOWWW!!!!! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!!!!"  
  
"MAKE ME, BABY!!!!"  
  
"YOU WITHERED OLD WITCH!!!!"  
  
Ryoga took the opportunity to slip out of the door, praying that neither of them spotted him. This is very bad... Very Bad... He groaned quietly. This sort-of thing's supposed to happen to Ranma, dammit! Not me!  
  
"Ryoga-honey? What's wrong?" Ukyo blinked at him. "What are you doing on the ceiling?" Ryoga flushed crimson and slid down from the perch he'd jumped up to, courtesy of complete and total surprise. Ukyo merely looked nonplussed. "I made you some dinner. Wanna try it?" She grinned cutely.  
  
"......I-I..."  
  
"Great!" She clapped her hands in glee. "I'll just go and get changed, OK? You wait here for me, Ryoga-sweetie!"  
  
"Ryoga!"  
  
"There you are!!" Urd and Skuld ran out into the hallway and glomped him. "Why'd you run away, you big silly??" Urd pouted.  
  
Flames engulfed Ukyo and she clenched her fists tightly. Slowly, the other three looked at her.  
  
"W-wait, Ucchan, please! I-i-it's not what it looks like, I swear!" Ryoga protested desperately, seeing her reach for her monster spatula. Like begging for mercy ever worked in the past! a small but very scathing voice commented in the back of his mind.  
  
"YOU LITTLE....."  
  
He closed his eyes tightly. Why can I never do anything right...?  
  
"....TRAMPS!!!"  
  
CLANGCLANG  
  
Ryoga's eyes flew open in astonishment. "Wha...?"  
  
Ukyo glared through her two new skylights. "AND DON'T COME BACK, YOU TARTS!!!!!!!" She whipped around, then lowered her spatula in surprise. "Ryoga- honey? What d'you look so scared for?"  
  
Ryoga looked at her cautiously. "Y-you mean you're not going to hit me?"  
  
"What for? It's hardly your fault those two have no self control." With that, she bounced into her room, giving him a little wave. "Don't go anywhere!"  
  
He waved back numbly. I know Nerima's turned into the Twilight Zone recently, but this is just ridiculous!!  
  
Urd clambered wearily out of the canal and spat out a few mouthfuls of rancid water. Bitch bitch bitch... when I get hold of that okonomiyaki cow, I swear I'll make her [expletive] [expletive] [anatomical description]....  
  
"Urd! There you are!" Skuld limped over to her elder sister. "Are you OK?" Urd reached up and stretched her cheeks ala Presea of MKR. "Is this the mouth that called me a Geriatric Old Woman? What do you want?!"  
  
Skuld narrowed her eyes. "Maybe I should just hit you and turn your brain cell back on. Think!" She sat down next to Urd. "There's two of us and one Ukyo. If we work together, we can get rid of her."  
  
"And when we do?" Urd crossed her arms. "I'll tell you now, there's no way I'm sharing Ryoga with anyone, even if you help eliminate the competition."  
  
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, we need a plan..."  
  
"Hey, Ucchan! This look's great!" Ryoga eyed the meal hungrily. "Not okonomiyaki?"  
  
Ukyo pretended to look hurt. "I can cook things other than okonomiyaki, y'know."  
  
"Actually, I didn't know. The last time you tried to prove it to me, you slammed me across town before I could taste anything," Ryoga reminded her, wincing at the memory.  
  
Ukyo turned several shades of red and examined the floor as if it were the most amazing thing she'd ever focused her baby blues on. "I-I-I'm sorry about that..."  
  
THUMP (This is the sound of Ryoga painfully facefaulting.)  
  
"Oh, do get up, dinner'll get cold," Ukyo chirped cheerfully. She quickly adjusted her (surprisingly feminine) outfit to the best effect.  
  
Ryoga picked himself up and settled down, watching Ukyo carefully for any sign of normality. Maybe she's planning to poison me... or get my guard down before turning me into mulch again. He took a tentative bite of teriyaki chicken and waited for his tastebuds to commit mass suicide. OK, so it's good, he admitted, taking another bite, slightly unnerved by the way Ukyo was staring at him, like he was a bowl of strawberries and cream. Hmm... no, now that he thought about it, she was staring at him as if she was Doctor Tofu and he was Kasumi. Definitely unnerving.  
  
KnockKnock  
  
Ukyo's eye's transformed instantly from hearts to daggers. "If that's Skuld or Urd, I'll [disgusting anatomical description] and [expletive] [expletive] them both!!" Ryoga winced as she marched over to the door and slid it open. "What the hell do you want?!!?!!" she snarled, annoyed at the interruption of her dinner party.  
  
"Is that really any way to great your old man?"  
  
Ukyo's jaw attempted to make it's way to the center of the earth but was fortunately stopped by the intervention of the floor. "Daddy?!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!"  
  
Mr Kuonji stepped around his dazed daughter and quickly made himself at home. "Hello. You must be Ryoga, right?" he enquired pleasantly, helping himself to the food. Ryoga nodded numbly.  
  
Ukyo finally managed to snap herself out of her paralysed state. "What are you doing here, Daddy?"  
  
Mr Kuonji dabbed his mouth with a napkin. "Can't I visit my little girl once in a while?" He grinned at her. "I haven't heard from you since that productive phone call a while ago." He paused a second, before tactfully adding: "I thought I'd come and give you a subtle kick in the rear. Your mother and I are wondering when you two crazy kids are going to tie the knot and make us grandparents."  
  
Ryoga fell off his chair, hitting his head on the floor. "B-b-but we... I m-mean, we're n- not... t-that is..." he stammered, climbing back into his chair and gazing beseechingly at Ukyo for support.  
  
Ukyo smiled sweetly at her father. "What about New Years Eve? Then we have a good reason for throwing a giant party every year."  
  
"WHAT??????????" Ryoga gaped at her in shock, falling off his chair again. He quickly jumped back onto his feet and continued to voice his protest. "B-b-but... but..." OK, attempt to voice his protest.  
  
Ukyo gave him her best kawaii grin and looped her arms around his neck. "That's OK with you, right Ryoga-sweetie?" she purred, snuggling against him, sending his brain into nuclear meltdown.  
  
"......I-I-I.... b-b-but I-I...." He gave up and gazed helplessly into space. Does she really want to marry me? What if she doesn't and it's some kind of magic potion? She'd kill me when it wears off! He melted even further when she increased the wattage of her smile. B-b-but what i-if she kinda sort of likes me really and DOES want to get m-m- mu-m... "D-d-do y-y-y-y-you r-r-really m-m-m-m-mean it, Ucchan?" he asked weakly.  
  
"Of COURSE I do, you big silly!" With that, she leaned up and brushed her lips oh-so- gently against his...  
  
End Part VII  
  
=======================  
  
PART IIX  
  
Leaving My Life in Your Hands.  
  
=======================  
  
(Easter Island. Before the Bonfire.)  
  
"Hey, Ryoga, do you still love Akane anymore?"  
  
Ryoga paused and looked across the bay. Starlight hovered above the sunset, setting the sea aflame with colour. "I did," he admitted. "But I don't think I do anymore. I mean, she'll always be special to me, she was my first love. But..." He sighed and sat down on the sand, tracing idly in the smooth, wet sand nearest to the swash, careful not to let the water touch him. "I'm not even sure if I ever really had a chance. I had plenty of chances to tell her, and each time I let it slip through my fingers."  
  
Ukyo sat down next to him and gazed at the sky. "Y'know, much as he denies it, I think Ranma really likes her." She stole a glance at him before continuing. "Remember that whole fiancee mess? He did nothing when Shampoo lost her claim on him, and he didn't object to losing me either. But when he found out he was going to lose Akane as well, he sprang into action." She smiled a bittersweet smile. "I guess that's when I really knew he just thought of me as a friend."  
  
He doesn't know what he's turning down. Ryoga cast a quick look at her. She was so beautiful in the light of the sunset...  
  
"Didn't anyone tell you it's rude to stare, sugar?" Ukyo teased. Not that she minded. Nice to still be appreciated she thought. She stared back at him and he turned away quickly, a blush covering his cheeks. With the sunset reflecting off the sea, it cast a warm glow over him, making him look awfully cute... "If you don't love Akane any more, what are you going to do with yourself?" she asked suddenly.  
  
There was a short pause as Ryoga decided on his answer. "I still have to pay back Mr Tendo for all that money I borrowed. Then after that...." He bit his lip in contemplation. "I don't know. Maybe I'll go to Jusenkyo and try to find a cure."  
  
"Y'know..." Ukyo's voice was quiet in the ever advancing night. "If...if you wanted to, you could stay at Ucchans." She fought down the increasing blush that threatened to invade her face. "I-I like having you around..."  
  
Ryoga smiled in relief. "You do?" Ukyo nodded in reply. "Yeah... that would be kinda nice..."  
  
"Hey, wake up, sugar!"  
  
Ryoga's eyes snapped open in surprise. "Where am I? What happened?"  
  
"You passed out, you stupid great jackass!" Ukyo explained affectionately.  
  
Behind her, he could see her father chuckling to himself and he turned scarlet, mortified. What was I thinking about? Something about a beach... He rubbed the back of his head. Doesn't matter anyway. After all, he had far more pressing subjects to worry about, like...  
  
"So you agree? We'll get married on New Years Eve?" Ukyo pressed against him, using her best 'I'm seducing you to do what I want' voice and Ryoga felt himself crumble. "Pretty please??" she finished, batting her eyelashes at him.  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM  
  
"NO! HOW DARE YOU FORCE YOURSELF ON HIM, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The 'act first, think later' instinct (which usually got Ranma placed in traction) kicked in and Ryoga had already grabbed Ukyo around the waist and jumped over to the other side of the room when Urd's very spectacular attack hit home. I can't be bothered to describe it, but trust me, it'll look great when it's released on anime, no doubt three months late, badly dubbed and twelve scenes, seven and a half minutes shorter. Unfortunately, dinner was completely ruined in the process. Ukyo then showed off her lovely grasp of the Celtish language which she'd picked up at football games, almost turning the air around her blue, before launching herself at Urd. "How DARE you ruin OUR meal, you... you... PHILISTINE!!!!"  
  
Ryoga cut in. "Uh... Ucchan? What's a philistine?"  
  
"Somebody who has absolutely no class or taste when it comes to art, music... cooking," Ukyo explained, shooting Urd a nasty glare.  
  
"Thanks for the grammar lesson. Now let's get down to business," Urd spat back, advancing.  
  
"Hey!" Ryoga stepped between them, halting the advance but doing nothing to ease the tension in the air. "Stop it, you two. Girls shouldn't fight!"  
  
Mr Kuonji reached forward and dragged him back by the back of his shirt. "Son, I've got just one piece of advice for you." He paused dramatically. Or maybe he wasn't really pausing dramatically and had just forgotten what he was going to say. On the other hand, he could just be waiting to make sure Urd didn't maul his daughter while he was talkin  
  
"Don't EVER interfere in a cat fight."  
  
g. Ah. He spoke. Urd agreed profusely. "He's right, you know. We wouldn't want you to get caught in the middle and bruise that sexy face of yours."  
  
"Don't YOU call him sexy!" Ukyo growled. "I'M his fiancee, I'M the only one entitled to call him sexy!!"  
  
"Stop me then, transvestite!"  
  
"T-tr-tran... I'LL GET YOU FOR..."  
  
CRASHsubliminal message of pain to comeBLAM  
  
"...that," Ukyo finished slowly.  
  
Skuld lifted her mallet from her sister's skull, rope and dirt mangled into her hair and clothes. "Urd, you TRAITOR!!!"  
  
".....ouch."  
  
Skuld continued, relentless. "And did you really think tying me up and burying me in the cemetery was even going to slow me down?!!!"  
  
Ukyo shrugged and turned away as the two goddesses turned on each other, and once again attempted to extract a coherent (and hopefully, positive) answer from Ryoga. "So, Ryoga-sugar, what do you say? Make our mistaken engagement a real one?" she whispered, once again looping her arms around his neck and cutely kissing him on the end of the nose, upgrading his blush from #FF0000 to #C00000.  
  
"...Ummm..." He looked around helplessly, trying to look anywhere but directly at her. The sight of Urd and Skuld going for it tooth and nail, and Mr Kuonji standing ready with a camcorder did nothing to calm him down. This has GOTTA be some kind of magical love potion, the logical part of his brain pointed out dryly. If it doesn't wear off and her murder me, she still won't really love me.  
  
The rest of his brain retaliated with: The -very-cute- Ukyo Kuonji has her arms around me and wants to marry me!!!! And you're hesitating?!!!!!!!  
  
Still, it didn't hurt to make doubly sure. "Are you totally sure you really and truly want to marry me?" he tried to say. Somewhere en route to his mouth, it was replaced with "y- y-y-y-you r-r-r-r-r-re-really c-c-certain y-y-you w-w-w-w-w-w-want t-t-t-to g-g-get m- m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mu-m....?"  
  
Increasing the wattage of smile even further, from mega-gigawatt to radioactive, Ukyo nodded her head fiercely. "I do, I do! More than anything!"  
  
What was left of Ryoga's resistance melted like a sno-cone in Phoenix. "Umm.... ok then..." he said weakly.  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????????!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Urd and Skuld finally tuned into the surrounding noise, although Mr Kuonji's cheer and the sudden appearance of a brass band, the popping of corks, fireworks, y'know, that sort of thing, may have helped snap them back. With murder in their eyes, they stepped forward. "Ukyooooo..." Urd hissed quietly. "Take this! DEATH BOMB!!"  
  
"And E.L.E SUPER ADVANCED NUCLEAR FUSION RADIOACTIVE GAMMA RAY! MARK THREE! EXTRA HOT AND SPICY!!" Skuld added.  
  
Unfortunately, by the time Skuld had managed to complete saying that phrase grammatically correctly, Ryoga had once again snapped out of his 'close proximity to seductive female' temporary paralysis, grabbed the previously mentioned 'seductive female' and her father and escaped the resulting mass property damage usually found in Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies and the radioactive fallout. Urd was not amused. "Skuld, doesn't that ridiculously long-winded attack do ex-actly the same thing as my Death Bomb?" she asked dangerously.  
  
"Umm... yes," Skuld admitted, drawing circles in the radioactive dust with her foot.  
  
"THEN WHY DOES IT HAVE SUCH A STUPID LONG NAME THEN???!!!" Urd screeched, noticing with some annoyance that she now had a major radioactive explosion allllll down the front of her outfit - and that stuff does NOT dry-clean well!  
  
"Because it just sounds so much cooler," Skuld reasoned.  
  
"It doesn't do us much good if you have to shout all the words out loud to have full effect, pipsqueak," Urd snapped. "If we want Ukyo out of the way, you're going to HAVE to give your attacks simple, uncomplicated names like 'Ha, sucker!', got that??"  
  
"Well, daughter, it was certainly interesting to see you again," Mr Kuonji said fondly, boarding the train back to Kyoto. "I'll bring your mother down next time and you can both talk weddings."  
  
Ukyo nodded happily. "OK, Daddy." She waved until the train was out of sight, before turning back to Ryoga, who looked suspiciously as if he was on the verge of a major coronary heart failure. "Come on, sweetie, let's go."  
  
"Go where?" Ryoga asked weakly. Why am I agreeing to this?!!!  
  
Ukyo thought for a moment. "Welllll, my restaurant's been temporarily destroyed... lets go for a walk by the canal, 'kay?" she suggested, giving him the radioactive smile and pondering whether there was some way it could be made even brighter, before snuggling under his arm.  
  
Boom And here's that heart failure.  
  
Oh yeah. That's why, Ryoga reminded himself, teetering on the edge of fainting and trying to make his legs work properly. Speech would have to wait a while. He allowed Ukyo to drag him away from the station and to a part of the canal with a nice view.  
  
"Sit down," Ukyo advised when they stumbled upon a bench. Ryoga obliged, resistance still out of the question and Ukyo immediately sat down as close to him as possible, resting her head onto his shoulder. Surely there is no girl in the world happier than I am right now...  
  
"Eek! I'm going to California today!! I must be the happiest girl in the world!!!" Ilonka grabbed Liea by the hands and swung her around in circles before letting go and repeating the process with Kai, not even noticing Liea become part of the building structure.  
  
"Yay!!! I met the one, the ONLY, Fox Mulder today!" Lita grabbed Bunny's hands and screeched. "No girl in the world could be happier than me!"  
  
"Soon, Ukyo Kuonji, I will have my revenge!!" declared Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson, waving her sword in the air and laughing hysterically, getting a wide berth from passer- bys as she broke into song: "I'm H-A-P-P-Y, H-A-P-P-Y, I know I am, I'm sure..."  
  
Hmm... that's quite enough of that!  
  
Ukyo looked up at Ryoga, studying his profile. Even though he looked scared out of his wits (which he was), she decided he still looked adorable. Definitely kissable. Unfortunately, she knew all too well that if she wanted him to kiss her, she was going to have to make the first move. Wellll, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, she thought, blushing a little. "Ryoga-honey?"  
  
He turned and looked at her. "Yes?" he whispered, somehow knowing what was going to happen.  
  
Leaning forward, she closed her eyes and gently pressed her lips against his...  
  
Urd and Skuld stared venomously at each other, when all of a sudden, something changed. Urd blinked in amazement and looked at her little sister for confirmation. Skuld stared back at her, surprise also evident on her face...  
  
And then the memories returned.  
  
"Oh my GOD!!!" Skuld placed her palms against her flaming cheeks. "I'm so embarrassed!!!" She burst into floods of tears and crumpled to her knees. "I'll never be able to face him again!"  
  
Urd battled with her own similar tomato-shade blush as she remembered her own behavior. "The powder's worn off," she mumbled.  
  
Skuld glared at her. "No kidding, Einstein! I should never have let you talk me into this!"  
  
"Snap out of it, squirt!" Urd snapped. All of a sudden, she paled considerably. "Uh, Skuld? I think we'd better try and prevent a murder from taking place."  
  
Skuld gaped at her, uncomprehendingly. "What?"  
  
"Think! Why were we so mad at Ukyo a moment ago?"  
  
"Because Ryoga agreed to..." Skuld trailed off, eyes widening and she let out her breath in a whistle. "Hooo boy! That's gonna hurt!"  
  
Finally, Ukyo pulled back. Ryoga opened his eyes and took a few deep breaths to slow down his racing heart. "Wow," he whispered softly, looking at her with amazement in his eyes. Her eyes were still closed and he didn't notice her fists clench.  
  
And then she socked him in the jaw.  
  
"OW!" That reallyhurt! "What the heck did I do now?!" he complained, rubbing his jaw.  
  
Ukyo was too busy trying to collect rational thoughts to answer much. She rubbed her head fiercely. "I can't believe I kissed you... twice!" she whispered in a horrified voice.  
  
"Thanks, I'm flattered," Ryoga replied coldly, standing up. She doesn't like me, a small, tired part of his mind stated and he bit his lip, wondering if she remembered...  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!!!! You IDIOT!!!!"  
  
WHAMCRASH  
  
Yup. She remembers. Now his jaw, cheek and heart were all in competition for most painful part of the body. Oh yeah, and his back, where she'd just slapped him into a tree.  
  
Ukyo paced back and forth, oblivious. "What are we going to DOOOOOO?????????!!!!!!!!!" she wailed in anguish. Hmm... the pain in his jaw was just about gone now, his cheek still stung but the pain was fading. Ukyo continued to rant. "I can't pull out of this engagement now, Daddy would disown me!"  
  
Ryoga struggled to his feet. "I thought he already did that once," he mumbled.  
  
CRASH  
  
However the bench saw it's final moment, it certainly didn't expect to see it as one brief moment arcing through the air before being turned into matchwood over Ryoga's skull. Still, if it had been a good bench, it could still have the chance of being reincarnated as several rolls of toilet paper. Ukyo seethed. "STUUUUUPID!!!" She grabbed him by the collar and hauled him to his feet. "Daddy didn't disown me, I RAN AWAY, you dumb jackass!!! But if he does disown me, you know what will happen?!" she hissed.  
  
Owww.... now his head joined in the competition, although his heart was now waaaaay in the lead. Ryoga blinked a few times to clear it and shook his head. "No?" But I'm sure you're about to tell me he thought with no humour.  
  
She obliged. "Ucchan's would have to be closed and we'd have no place to stay and no source of income," she wailed miserably.  
  
Oh lord, she's going to cry. The last thing Ryoga needed right now was for her to cry, although he knew if he tried to comfort her, she'd probably hurl him into the canal. He offered her a tissue, which she took gratefully. "Why would Ucchan's have to close?" he pressed.  
  
Ukyo exploded again. "Because I'm a MINOR, you twerp! Who do you think's been paying the mortgage and bills and stuff like that for the past year? Not ME!!!" She buried her head in her hands. "Ohhhh... you are such a coward!" she moaned. "Why couldn't Kodachi've gotten me accidentally engaged to a guy with a backbone?!!"  
  
Okaaaaaaay. Definitely not the best of times to remind her that she'd been the one coming onto him like some kind of drunken prom date in front of her father. Besides, even if he had the willpower to resist her any further, he had a slight feeling that Mr Kuonji wouldn't have been too happy if he point-blank refused to marry his little girl - especially after the Ranma thing, and probably would've sent him packing - in small boxes. He sighed. "U-Ucchan... i-if you want..." he began hesitantly, a hollow ache in his chest.  
  
Ukyo lifted her tear-streaked face to look at him. "What is it?" she whispered resignedly.  
  
"I-if you want... I could t-try and talk to your d-dad... maybe say we need more time... or I could show him my curse..." he trailed off and glared at the ground. It was a stupid idea and any second now she was going to punt him into the river and tell him she never EVER wanted to see him again...  
  
"Would you?"  
  
There was definite hope in her voice, which only served to make the ache in his chest even bigger. He nodded firmly though. "Remember what I said before - you shouldn't have to marry ANYBODY you don't want to," he reminded her.  
  
GLOMP  
  
"Ohthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou..." Ukyo wailed into his shirt. "If you manage it, I'll pay you double wages, I'll let you leave that room of yours in as much of a tip as you want and I won't even hit you next time you grope Hinako..."  
  
Ryoga bit back a caustic remark. I'll have to hold you to that last one, Ucchan, he thought with no amusement. But it's not going to make things any less painful."  
  
End Part IIX  
  
===========================  
  
PART IX  
  
Hell Hath No Fury Like Miss Hinako.  
  
===========================  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Skuld wailed, groveling on the floor of Ucchans.  
  
Ukyo looked mortified. "Skuld, stop it, please! Urd's already explained how she dropped that stupid powder and you've fixed my restaurant. I forgive you already!"  
  
"Really?" Skuld asked hopefully. She felt that she should be groveling some more, maybe even offer to commit seppuku... after all, it just wasn't right for a goddess to lie her ass off, even if it was to prevent the outbreak of World War Three. At this rate, she'd never become a First Class goddess.  
  
Ryoga entered the room, only to be met by Skuld kissing the ground in front of his feet. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean a word of what I said and can you ever forgive me?" she begged.  
  
Urd groaned. "Skuld, please stop it! You've been begging forgiveness for the past half an hour!"  
  
The young brunette goddess glared at her. "Well ex-cuuuuuse me! It wouldn't do you any harm to apologize either, seeing as it was your fault!"  
  
Urd seethed and tried to think of a scathing reply. Unfortunately, 'it was your idea' would only give the game away as they'd already claimed that Urd had been sorting through some old magic knic-knacs and dropped the affection powder when Ukyo made her jump.  
  
"Stop it, you two," Ryoga snapped, increasingly irritated. "If it was anyone's fault it was mine. I was the catalyst, remember?" He turned back to the homework and pretended to concentrate on it. Although he didn't see how on Earth he was supposed to cope with homework when he had to deal with Hinako tomorrow and deal with Mr Kuonji before he started booking churches, caterers and a honeymoon suite in Barbados. And there was that stupid STUPID challenge! Thanks to the protests and proof that the three of them were in a drug-enduced state of love meant that that incredible kiss was totally invalid and he had to do it AGAIN.  
  
Frankly, he was amazed he survived it once.  
  
SNAP  
  
"Oops." He crawled under the table and retrieved the halves of his pencil before tapping at the table top with it. If there were any condolences in his life, they were that Urd and Skuld were NOT in love with him, which was a relief. Sure, it had been nice to be wanted, but when things started going pear-shaped... or mushroom-shaped, he'd really started to fear for Ukyo's safety.  
  
CLANG  
  
"QUIT TAPPING THAT THING AGAINST THE TABLE!!" Ukyo roared.  
  
"Yup. You are most certainly back to your normal self," Ryoga commented moodily.  
  
Ukyo's angry visage loomed into his line of vision. "And what's that supposed to mean?!" she asked dangerously.  
  
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Ryoga protested, backing away quickly.  
  
"Are you saying you PREFERRED it when I acted like some lovesick schoolgirl?!!" she snarled, grabbing him by the collar so he couldn't escape.  
  
"Do you want the truthful answer or the polite answer?" Ryoga replied without thinking.  
  
"WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?" Ukyo's expression changed, not sure whether to be shocked, angry or to search for a more appropriate expression.  
  
Meanwhile, Ryoga had turned into a replica of the Scream mask. "No! I-I mean yes! I mean..." He stopped, totally confused. "I don't know. You were being nice, but it wasn't normal."  
  
Ukyo blinked. "So normally I'm not nice to you?"  
  
"Yeah," Ryoga replied, once again letting the words bypass his brain. He clapped a hand over his mouth. "I didn't mean that!"  
  
Ukyo sighed and let the spatula drop. "Never mind. I'm going to bed." She walked over to the door and waved back at the still-stunned occupants of the room. "G'night!"  
  
The morning after...  
  
"Nihao and welcome to Neko..." Shampoo paused in her speech, then knelt down in front of her customer. "Little girl, is you here with mother and father, yes?"  
  
Hinako-chan gritted her teeth. She was sick to death of these kind of questions whenever she went anywhere. "No, I'm here alone," she said in the monotone of somebody who has repeated the same thing many times over.  
  
Shampoo looked concerned, then shrugged. As long as the kid could pay, it made no difference to her. "Would you like window seat?" Hinako-chan nodded happily and followed Shampoo to the table.  
  
Mousse watched her from across the room, tears in his heart. Oh Shampoo... if only I could let you know how much I love you... He stopped, a frown crossing his face. "Scratch that. I told her a zillion times that I loved her," he grumbled to himself.  
  
WHAM  
  
"Back to work, Mr Part-Time," Cologne ordered sharply. "I don't pay you to gawp at Shampoo, you know."  
  
"You don't pay me bloody minimum wage, that's what," Mousse mumbled, wishing he had the courage to say it louder. Of course, it would result in almost instant death, but he didn't really care anymore. "I should go to the Health and Trading Association about the way you treat your staff."  
  
Cologne pretended not to hear and pogo ed away looking for all the world like a monkey on a totem pole. "Shampoo, here's the order for that kid on table seven," she called.  
  
Shampoo brushed the curtain aside. "Is another little girl come in, say to add order price to that one. Want take-out special ramen."  
  
Cologne nodded. "Here's the take-out, here's table seven's order."  
  
Shampoo nodded, gave the take-out to the girl and placed the order in front of Hinako- chan. "Here is bill."  
  
Hinako-chan picked the bill and scanned it. Her jaw dropped, hitting the table with an audible thud. "WHAT THE HELL...?!"  
  
"Is OK?" Shampoo asked pleasantly. "You is looked shock."  
  
Hinako-chan narrowed her eyes. "Did a black-haired little girl order this extra meal?" she asked slowly. Shampoo nodded in conformation and watched as Hinako-chan gripped the chopsticks so hard that they splintered.  
  
"Come on, we'll be late!!"  
  
Ranma's pounding on the door finally cut into Ukyo's sleep fogged mind. With a groan, she yanked on a dressing gown and flung the door open. "Ranchan!" Surprised, she stepped aside to let him in. "What are you doing here?"  
  
Ranma grinned at her and entered. "I wanted to walk with Lost Boy to school. I need to talk to him."  
  
"O-OK, I'll go and wake him up," Ukyo informed, slightly unnerved by the knowing smile he was directing at her. She bounced up the stairs and entered the room with her usual amount of morning courtesy (Ie: none).  
  
Which would have been fine if he was there. But he wasn't.  
  
Ranma appeared at her side. "Aw man... where is he?"  
  
"I don't know," Ukyo replied, a small amount of concern seeping into her voice. She turned around and walked into her small living room. Much to her and Ranma's surprise, Ryoga was there, asleep on the sofa. A small smile appeared on Ukyo's face. "Aww... how cute..." she cooed. Ranma's eyebrows merged with his hairline at that, until Ukyo tiptoed forward and screamed in his ear, making Ryoga jump about six feet into the air.  
  
"And good morning to you too, Ucchan," he replied crossly. Then he noticed his surroundings. "Why am I on the sofa????"  
  
"You sleepwalked there, you stupid baka," Ukyo explained. "Hurry up and get ready."  
  
"I sleepwalk?" Ryoga asked, puzzled.  
  
"He sleepwalks?" Ranma echoed.  
  
"Yeah, he sleepwalks," Ukyo snapped, turning picture gallery red for no reason the boys could see. "Got a problem with that?!"  
  
Ranma shrugged helplessly and looked at Ryoga. "I sleepwalk?" Ryoga repeated. "Is that good or bad?"  
  
"How should I know?" Ranma grinned broadly and clapped Ryoga on the back. "Anyway, changing the subject, I'm amazed. Didn't think you had it in ya."  
  
Ryoga gave him a look reserved for wackos. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"This," Ranma proclaimed, pulling a photograph out of his bookbag. (No prizes for guessing the pose.)  
  
Ryoga went into standard shock pose before snatching the photo out of Ranma's grip. "Where... how...??"  
  
Ranma pulled a face. "I live in the same house as Nabiki Tendo and you have to ask where I got this?!"  
  
Skuld appeared behind him and glanced at the photograph before walking on. Then she stopped and came back for a second look. "Oh NO!" she cried in dismay, snatching it away before the others could protest. "It's all my fault!" she wailed, groveling again. "I asked Urd to sort through those potions!"  
  
Ranma snatched the photo back. "Potion, eh?" He glared at Ryoga. "And you were planning on telling me this... when?"  
  
"Umm... now?" Ryoga responded weakly.  
  
Ranma sighed. "So the challenge is still on. Better get dressed, Lost Boy. We have work to do today."  
  
Ryoga scowled at Ranma, who pretended not to notice. Skuld decided she'd groveled long enough to butt in. "What challenge?"  
  
"Hinako's really giving you the evil eye," Ukyo commented outside school when the boys arrived. Sure enough, Hinako-chan could quite easily be seen giving Ryoga a look of pure venom. "You'd better watch out today, that's for sure."  
  
"Feh. It's probably something going around," Ryoga commented. "Ryoko and Ayeka are glaring at each other, Little Washu's glaring at Principal Kuno, Mihoshi's glaring at you..."  
  
"She is?" Ukyo looked at Mihoshi, who clenched her fists and turned away. "Wonder what's bugging her...?" She shrugged. I've got better things to worry about than Mihoshi. She waved to Akane, who jogged over to her.  
  
"Ukyo! I'm so happy for you!" Akane cried, grabbing her hands.  
  
Ukyo gave her a blank look. "Excuse me, Akane-chan?"  
  
Ranma went pale and tapped Akane on the shoulder. "Uh... Akane, I think..."  
  
KABLAM  
  
"Butt out!" Akane yelled. She turned back to Ukyo, a winning smile on her face. "Congratulations anyway. Be sure to send us an invitation," she added.  
  
"????" Ukyo queried, still uncomprehending. However, a nasty suspicion was beginning to form in her mind. "Invitation?"  
  
Akane nodded. "Yes. To your wedding. Nabiki told me you two had finally settled on a date."  
  
"Nabiki has her facts twisted," Ukyo said flatly. She ran several painful torture methods through her mind, idly wondering how many of them she could use before Nabiki died. She stomped over to the elder Tendo and glared at her. "What's this about a wedding?" she asked dangerously.  
  
Nabiki smiled sweetly. "Your Dad told me when he phoned this morning to try and get hold of Mr Saotome. Why?"  
  
Damn. Can't get her for bugging my restaurant Ukyo griped. She continued anyway. "Well, Daddy's got his facts a little wrong and I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread false information about me, OK?"  
  
Nabiki shrugged. "After that little scene by the canal yesterday, I thought wedding bells were imminent," she said casually. "But if you two really aren't getting married I guess that just makes you the latest hot couple." Ukyo gnashed her teeth together in fury and embarrassment. Unfortunately, it was next to impossible to argue with Nabiki Tendo. Her only hope was that people would find some new gossip to dissect. Suddenly, Nabiki reached over and tapped her on the arm. "Doesn't Miss Hinako look pissed off today!" She laughed a little. "Maybe she's upset about Ryoga and you."  
  
Ukyo narrowed her eyes. Although as far as she was concerned Nabiki was a spoon, stirring up trouble, she had to admit that she seemed to have a point there...  
  
"The girls have P.E now. And today, they'll have two new students," Ranma-chan boasted, pulling on a pair of gym shorts. "And we'll blend right in!"  
  
Ryoga-chan paused tying a shoelace at that and raised a dubious eyebrow at that comment. "Are you sure? After all, you still look like you."  
  
Ranma-chan stuck her tongue out at her. "So? And even with that wig, you still look like you," she retorted. She jumped to her feet. "Come on, they're starting." Without letting Ryoga-chan reply, she grabbed her arm and dragged her there. Then she paused, put on her best 'cute girl' face and entered. "Hi, sorry we're late," she chirped. "SHE got her shoelace all tangled up," she added, pointing to Ryoga-chan.  
  
"I so did not!"  
  
Hinako, adult, looked undisturbed. "Well, what are your names? We're about to take sides."  
  
"Raya," Ranma-chan quickly decided, at the same time as Ryoga-chan blurted out "Maya."  
  
"Raya and Maya?" Hinako shook her head sadly. Must have really cruel parents. She waved towards the rest of the students. "Stand over there, we're about to take sides."  
  
Akane shot an evil glare at Ranma-chan and grabbed hold of her pigtail as she passed. "What are you playing at?!!" she hissed. "And who's that other girl?!"  
  
It was all Ranma-chan could do not to facefault. "I met uhh... Maya outside and she asked me to show her where the gym was because she was new and she thought I'd get in trouble if I skipped class, because she doesn't know I'm a boy."  
  
Akane quickly analysed this statement. "Well, you'd better not have gotten changed in the same room as her," she griped, critically eyeing the new girl. Looks pretty athletic... but she's really short... pity too, seeing as we're doing basketball. She waved her over. "Hi, my name's Akane," she said cheerfully. "Sit here?"  
  
Ryoga-chan sat down next to her and gave Ranma-chan a quick look as if to say "What the hell are you doing, sitting next to the person most likely to blow our cover??!" Her edginess was not made any better with Ukyo looking suspiciously at her. She brushed the blond hair out of her eyes, wishing she could've worn her bandanna, but also knowing that that small detail would be enough to get her noticed. You'd think the number of times Ranma gets caught out by Akane because of that pigtail, he'd have unbraided it or something, she thought crossly.  
  
Hinako morphed back into Hinako-chan and quickly ordered two girls to pick out a team each. Ryoga-chan's mood was not made any better by the fact that she was the last picked because she was so short. Ranma-chan immediately sprung into the fray, jumping into the air to intercept Hinako-chan. I'll get those pressure points for sure...  
  
Akane whipped her mallet out of malletspace. "PERVERT"  
  
WHAM  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at the mangled form of Ranma-chan on the ground and giggled. "Never mind, 'Raya', I'll get her for you," she said cheerfully. And all the credit for stopping her nasty little trick! She ran up to Hinako-chan and jumped in front of her...  
  
BOING  
  
... To have someone springboard off her head, sending her face first into the ground. "Sorry, 'Maya', but she's mine!"  
  
Ryoga-chan climbed to her knees, just in time to see Ranma-chan pounded into the ground by Akane - again. "Baka! Can't you be a little bit sporting?!" Akane snarled. She looked at Ryoga-chan in concern. "Are you OK, Maya?"  
  
Ryoga-chan nodded with a grin. "I'm fine." She glared at Ranma-chan as Hinako-chan blew the whistle.  
  
Ayeka threw the ball on court. "It's mine!" Ranma-chan shouted, running past Ryoga- chan, who promptly stuck her leg out and tripped her up.  
  
"Never mind, 'Raya', I'll get the ball," Ryoga-chan said sweetly, calling back over her shoulder.  
  
"Look where you're..."  
  
CRASH  
  
"Going," Ranma-chan finished. She ran over to the crash zone along with the rest of the class.  
  
Ukyo sat up slowly, rubbing her head. Oww... what ran into me? She looked next to her and saw 'Maya' lying on the ground.  
  
Ranma-chan pushed forward. "Hey, Maya, get up," she ordered, hitting her on the shoulder.  
  
"I'm up!" Ryoga-chan snapped, sitting upright. Leaving the long blond wig lying on the floor. She patted the top of her head. "Oops."  
  
Hinako-chan blinked. "Ranka?"  
  
Ukyo blinked. "Ryoga?!" She reached forward and grabbed her by the neck. "What on earth are you playing at, you pervert!"  
  
Hinako-chan narrowed her eyes. "Ryoga? Ryoga Hibiki?!"  
  
"Wellllll... yeah, kinda," Ryoga-chan admitted.  
  
"Not only are you a cheating, ladykilling pervert, on top of that you're a cross dresser!"  
  
There was a short pause. "I AM NOT!!!!!"  
  
Hinako-chan flipped a coin between her fingers. "I'll teach you to play tricks on your teacher! Your bad behavior has gone on long enough! HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!"  
  
Ryoga-chan dove out of the way and ran, pulling Ukyo with her and a small group of girls behind them suddenly found themselves drained. Maybe she really does hate him! Ukyo thought, before smacking Ryoga-chan over the head. "Put me down!"  
  
"No hitting! You promised! And do you want to be on the receiving end of that?!!" Ryoga-chan retorted, indicating over her shoulder. She dodged Hinako's energy return and jumped behind a pile of mats, unceremoniously dropping Ukyo on the floor before jumping back over them, landing behind Hinako-chan.  
  
Hinako-chan whirled around and glared at her. "So, are you prepared to take your punishment?" She pulled out a coin. "HAPPO..."  
  
"SPIKE!"  
  
PING  
  
Hinako-chan gave a yell of rage and the basketball sent her coin flying. Ranma-chan landed next to Ryoga-chan and smirked. "No need to thank me, glad to be of service."  
  
"You bad girl! I'll discipline you both!" Hinako rifled through her pockets. "HAPPO FIFTY..."  
  
"PASS!"  
  
Ranma-chan threw the wayward basketball to Ryoga-chan who threw it at Hinako-chan, scoring another direct hit. "NO FAIR!!" Hinako-chan screeched, already reaching for another coin.  
  
Ranma-chan and Ryoga-chan exchanged a glance, before walking over to Hinako-chan and hitting her on the back. Change scattered all over the floor. Ryoga-chan bent over, picked up a five yen piece and stood up, flicking it in the air threateningly. "Well. You can't touch us without your pocketful of yen."  
  
Hinako-chan shook with anger, tears of rage in her eyes. "You... you..."  
  
Ryoga-chan crumpled the coin between finger and thumb. "Come on, Ranma..."  
  
WHAM  
  
"Sorry, Ryoga, but she's mine!" Ranma-chan called with a wink and ran forward, promptly falling over Akane's outstretched leg. "OW!"  
  
"Ranma, you pervert!" Akane growled. "What are you doing?!"  
  
Ryoga-chan jumped on Ranma-chan's head and ran towards Hinako-chan. "I'll get her!"  
  
Hinako-chan ran to the far end of the gym and jumped onto the basketball hoop. "You want me, come and get me! Nya nya!"  
  
"This is where I put an end to that nasty trick of yours!" Ryoga-chan cried, jumping into the air.  
  
"She thinks she can win without her change?" Ukyo said to Ranma-chan.  
  
Ranma-chan narrowed her eyes. "She's planning something..." Her eyes widened. "No, Ryoga you IDIOT!"  
  
Hinako-chan flipped underneath the goal hoop, a grin of glee on her face. "HAPPO NO YEN SATSU!" Swinging from the bottom of the goal, she landed a few feet away from Ryoga-chan's now-unconscious form. "Do you get it now? I can drain you with any round hole." She knelt down next to her and picked up a coin. "I'll drain your bad spirit to the roots."  
  
"Hey!" Ukyo ran forward. "You've already knocked him out - isn't that enough?"  
  
Ranma-chan stepped forward as well. "If you want to fight, I'll be your opponent. I'll get those pressure points, just you see."  
  
"Heh. Interesting," Hinako smirked. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"  
  
"Maybe you should've thought of a plan first," Akane advised as Hinako-chan jumped up and down in delight. Ranma-chan would've replied, but she was too busy peeling herself off the wall.  
  
"Ah... Ranma and Hinako, two of my finest students, locked in a fight to the finish," sighed a voice behind her. Akane and Ukyo turned to see Happosai there, a bag of stolen gym shorts beside him.  
  
"Hmm..." Ukyo narrowed her eyes. "I have this sudden feeling that somehow, you're responsible for all this." "Why, let me tell you now, girl, if I myself could press those pressure points and end Hinako's reign of terror, I would!" Happosai protested.  
  
Ukyo was unmoved. "So why don't you?"  
  
"My arms are too short."  
  
Meanwhile, Ranma-chan had recovered enough to initiate another attack. Hinako-chan immediately brandished a five yen coin. "HAPPO FIVE YEN..."  
  
"Gotcha!" Ranma-chan proclaimed, stopping the hole with her finger. Then, with her other hand, she pressed the three pressure points on Hinako-chan's chest. There was a short pause as Ranma-chan mentally kicked herself. Damn! I need my other hand to get the two on the back!  
  
"I have two hands," Hinako-chan reminded her, brandishing another coin. "HAPPO FIVE YEN SATSU!!"  
  
"Oh Ranma, you're a credit as a martial artist," Happosai sighed. "If you should fall to the infinite power of Hinako, I promise to watch over Akane for you."  
  
"Oh no you won't!" Ranma-chan yelled, running from Hinako's holy wrath.  
  
"I'm guessing you taught Hinako that technique," came a voice.  
  
Happosai turned around, eyes shining. "Surely you must be an Angel, here for a dying old man!"  
  
Ryoga-chan pried him from her chest and stomped on his head. "Shut up!"  
  
"I see you've finally recovered," Ukyo said before turning back to Happosai. "Well? Did you teach her that trick?"  
  
Happosai looked annoyed. "Hinako's Happo Five Yen Satsu isn't a trick, it's an indiscriminate martial arts health method."  
  
"Health method?" Ukyo, Akane and Ryoga-chan echoed.  
  
"It was more than ten years ago now. No doubt, Hinako's completely forgotten..."  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
Happosai, voice over: We met at Saruchico hospital...  
  
L'il Happosai: So you're weak, little girl?  
  
L'il Hina-chan: Yes, cough cough.  
  
L'il Happosai: In that case, let me teach you an exercise to make you healthy.  
  
L'il Hina-chan: Yay! Thank you, grandpa! [Touch forefingers.]  
  
Happosai, voice over: I pressed the pressure points to drain fighting spirit...  
  
L'il Hina-chan: Good girls get well, step one.  
  
Happosai, voice over: Then I taught her a health exercise. And, after one month of having continued to do that tirelessly...  
  
L'il Happosai: [Being chased by a large crowd of nurses, L'il Hina-chan running along beside him.] Now, Hinako!  
  
L'il Hina-chan: Yeah. Good girls get well, step one! Aku... Ja... Byo... Tsu... Ma...  
  
Happosai, voice over: Hinako drained the fighting spirit of the angels in white and became visibly healthier...  
  
L'il Happosai: Fight well tomorrow, Hinako!  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
"I did everything in concern of Hinako's health," Happosai said proudly.  
  
"So letting her aid and abet an underwear thief was never part of your plan?" Ukyo said, kicking him into the wall.  
  
Meanwhile, Ranma-chan was still having intense problems with Hinako-chan. Grr... this is taking too long! She picked up several basketballs and threw them at Hinako-chan, knocking the coin out of her hand, before doubling back - only to be met by the coin in her other hand.  
  
"Haven't you managed to stop her yet?" Ryoga-chan called.  
  
Ranma-chan glowed at her. "You do better if you think you can!" she snapped.  
  
Happosai appeared next to her, making her jump. "What happened to working together? You're supposed to help each other, not hinder each other - that's what teamwork's all about!"  
  
"Since when did he ever care about teamwork?!" Ryoga-chan wondered aloud.  
  
Hinako-chan suddenly noticed Ryoga-chan again. "You! I should've drained you totally when I had the chance!"  
  
Ryoga-chan looked at the goal hoop. "Ranma, I've got an idea. Get ready to get her pressure points." She jumped up to the hoop and pulled it off of the wall. "If you want my energy, you'll have to take it now!"  
  
"Fine! HAPPO NO YEN SATSU!"  
  
"Now, Ranma!" Ryoga-chan cried, pulling the hoop over the rapidly growing Hinako's body, trapping her arms.  
  
"Your energy sucking days are over!"  
  
GLOMP  
  
Hinako slowly fell to her knees. B...beaten...  
  
"Good work, boys!" Happosai commended, smoking a pipe. "Now all you have to do is repeat that every day for a month."  
  
There was a large group facefault as Happosai continued. "It's just like any other exercise - you have to repeat it a few times for it to work."  
  
Hinako climbed to her feet and managed to free herself from the hoop. "Ranma, Ryoga, I commend you both. No students I've ever disciplined have ever resisted as hard as you two. We'll train again tomorrow." She paused. "But you're both still ladykilling perverts! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"  
  
Akane and Ukyo halted in the middle of laying it into Happosai and looked at the mangled forms of the two aqua-transsexuals. "They brought it on themselves," Akane said finally.  
  
"I totally agree," Ukyo agreed. They resumed their task.  
  
End Part IX  
  
========  
  
PART X  
  
Roses.  
  
========  
  
"You've got until Monday night. Today's Friday. I think you're going to have to untie your tongue and ask her out."  
  
Ryoga ran Ranma's advice through his mind again. Yeah. If only it was that easy, he thought glumly, banging his fist on the table. He'd somehow managed to acquire two tickets to Nerima's poshest la-di-da restaurant... he only had to ask Ukyo to go with him. He glanced at her for the three hundred, forty seventh time and practiced saying the words aloud in his mind. I'll ask her in a moment, he procrastinated. If there's some kind of sign.  
  
KABOOM  
  
Lightning flashed in the clear blue sky. I guess that's my sign, he thought, standing up and walking over to the grill. I'm a man, not a mouse. He cleared his throat. "Umm... Ucchan?"  
  
Ukyo looked up. "Yes?"  
  
First, the easy part. "I-I'm sorry about... you know..." he flustered. Line! What's the line!  
  
Ukyo leaned on her elbow, an interested look on her face. "Enlighten me."  
  
Huh??? That wasn't supposed to happen! She was supposed to accept his apology and let him continue, dammit! He twiddled his fingers nervously and began to list subjects. "About what happened last night, w-w-with that p-p-potion..." Please don't make me say any more!  
  
Ukyo pondered the apology for a moment. "Wellll... you still have to sort things out with my dad, but I guess I sort of forgive you."  
  
Good. Now for the hard part... "I-I was w-wondering if, as a w-way of a-apology, y-you m-m-m-might g-go gulp o-o-o-ou-o... g-g-go o-o-o-o-o-out t-t-t-t-t-t-to d-d-d-d-d-di-di- d-d-d..." He bit his lower lip in frustration and embarrassment. ARGH! I just want to ask her out! Why can't I say it?!  
  
Ukyo looked at him, a slight smile playing around her lips. "Go out to...? Come on Ryoga, a few more words and we'll have a whole sentence here."  
  
"T-t-t-t-to d-d-di-di-di-di-d-d-d... DAMN!" He slammed his fist on the grill, making her jump, and pulled an envelope out of his pocket, tossing it down in front of them both. "Here."  
  
BANG  
  
Urd swept through the restaurant like a small whirlwind. "Hi guys, how was school? What's this?" She picked up the envelope and drew out the tickets. Her eyes widened. "Wow! Fancy! You two going there?"  
  
Ukyo snatched them back. "Do you mind?!!" She read them. She read them again. She read them once more, just to be certain, and then and ONLY then did she allow herself to pass out.  
  
"Oh no! Ucchan?! Are you alright?!" Ryoga vaulted over the grill and knelt down beside her.  
  
Ukyo opened her eyes. "You want to take me out to dinner to apologize?"  
  
"Uh... yeah. That was the general idea..."  
  
Ukyo remained in the same position. "To dinner at La Petite Maison?"  
  
"Well, yeah..." Ryoga scratched the back of his head. "That is the name printed on the tickets, right?"  
  
Pause. "What about Ryoko? Aren't you two dating?"  
  
Ryoga looked blank for a second, then comprehension dawned. "I just agreed to help her make Tenchi jealous."  
  
"Mihoshi?"  
  
"She's just a friend."  
  
"Skuld?"  
  
"I am still trying to work out where on earth you thought up that one."  
  
"Akane?"  
  
"Do I really look suicidal?"  
  
"Hinako?"  
  
There was a short pause. Ryoga gave Ukyo an exasperated look. "Ucchan, the woman hates my guts!!" He grabbed her shoulders. "Do you want to go or not? Because if you don't, I'll give them to Urd to give to that sister of hers.  
  
Ukyo looked thoughtful. "Is tonight at seven OK with you?"  
  
Shampoo pointed the 22" Magnum at Mousse and fired a warning shot near his ear. "How many times Shampoo have to tell stupid duck-boy get a life?!  
  
"B-but Shampoo, my beloved..."  
  
CRASH  
  
"GET A GRIP!" Shampoo screeched through the remains of the window, which would never be the same again after Mousse's chance meeting with it.  
  
Looking down, Mousse saw that he was going to make a painful landing in the Tendo grounds - miraculously not the pond.  
  
CRASH  
  
BOINGBoingboing.....  
  
With a small groan of pain, Mousse collapsed underneath the dojo window. He could hear strains of conversation floating out and while it wasn't nice to eavesdrop, he really couldn't be bothered to move.  
  
"Ranma, you've been acting weird all week. What's gotten into you?"  
  
Pause. "OK, I'll tell you. But you've got to promise not to tell a soul. I've been dying to tell someone all week!"  
  
"OK. Spill."  
  
"You know we wanted to get Ucchan and Ryoga together?"  
  
Hmm... this actually sounded interesting, Mousse decided, sitting up and peering into the room. Akane nodded her comprehension and Ranma continued to talk. "Remember I challenged Ryoga to a rematch? Well, on Easter Island, I changed the challenge a little."  
  
Akane looked interested. "Go on."  
  
"Ryoga has until Monday night to kiss Ucchan on the lips, or leave Nerima for good," Ranma finished. Mousse dropped back out of sight again. This was definitely worth hearing more of.  
  
Inside, Akane struggled to maintain an angry expression. "That's so mean!!" she said, sounding shocked. "Didn't he do it last night?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "Doesn't count. Magic potion. But I heard he's taking her La Petite Maison tonight, so... who knows?"  
  
"Who knows..." Akane echoed, jumping to her feet. "Come on."  
  
"Huh? Where?"  
  
"I want to ask Nabiki if she can get us some tickets to go there."  
  
"WHAT?!" Ranma looked horrified. "B-b-b-but you know how our fathers will react!"  
  
Akane snorted. "Won't it be worth it to see if they manage it?" She grabbed Ranma by the hand and dragged him from the room.  
  
Inside, Nabiki smirked. Interesting. Maybe I'll go to La Petite Maison later...  
  
Outside, Mousse narrowed his eyes. So... La Petite Maison, eh? He'd pay a visit there later. But first, some back up...  
  
"This'll be great," Ukyo breathed, looking at the exterior of the posh restaurant. "No fights, no destruction and first class treatment." She looked down at the flowers in her hand with a slight blush. White roses. I can't believe he remembered...  
  
The maitre'd looked at the book. The large post-it note claiming (untruthfully) 'First Date' could hardly be missed. "Ah, yes, reservation for Hibiki. Your sister made the call, I believe," he spoke in a heavily snooty accent. "So, first date, eh?" He winked conspiratorially at Ryoga, who tried to stammer a protest. "Your table is not quite ready, please sit here for a moment." He indicated a tiny sofa in the corner of the room, lit by candlelight. If a couple who happened to be wider than anorexic matchsticks sat there, they'd almost be on each others laps.  
  
Ryoga felt his face burning and made a solemn vow to never, EVER let Urd do him any favors again. Luckily, the torture didn't last long and they were quickly given a table. Relax, sit down, be cool... and everything'll be just perfect, he thought to himself, pouring Ukyo a glass of wine. I gaze at her through the candlelight... and over her shoulder I see... Ryoga managed a spectacular double take when he realized beyond a shadow of a doubt who it was. Urd!! What's she doing here? And who's that guy with her?!  
  
"Something wrong, sugar?" Ukyo asked in concern.  
  
"No! No, nothing's wrong," Ryoga insisted. He took a long drag of his wine and glanced around. !!! He almost dropped the glass when he recognized the latest arrivals. Nabiki and Kuno?!?!?!?! He paled considerably when Nabiki winked at him, adding her patented shark grin as she did so.  
  
"Ryoga-honey? Are you sure you're OK? You look awfully pale." Ukyo looked over her shoulder, but Nabiki and Kuno had already vanished.  
  
"Y-yeah, I'm fine," he stuttered, fiddling with one of the many pieces of cutlery. "Oops." He bent down to pick up the fallen knife and was sent back into shock central by the sight of Akane and Ranma, looking extremely annoyed with the world in general. Oh My God. My life is over... I just know that jerk came here to spy on me...  
  
Ukyo looked at the interesting sculpture that the unfortunate knife had become, and sweatdropped.  
  
Somehow, the collected company of five martial artists and a goddess went entirely without event all through the starter, even Ranma and Akane managing to remain civil to each other. Ryoga and Ukyo talked about anything and everything, not antagonizing each other for once. Even Kuno was disgustingly peaceful, having been bribed by Nabiki not to attack either of the boys. In fact, the only minor bit of excitement was when a fairly attractive woman had jammed her lipstick against a man's chin and whispered "fear is not an option" in his ear. The poor guy had ran down two waiters in his efforts to get to the bathroom.  
  
"Let's dance," Ukyo suddenly suggested between the starter and main course.  
  
Ryoga looked around. "What, here?"  
  
"No, on the dance floor, silly!" She dragged him away before he could voice his protests, keeping a tight hold on his sleeve so he couldn't make a break for it. "Ooh, I like this song," she claimed gleefully, listening to the opening bars of 'Alexanders Ragtime Band.' "There's no need to looked so scared, it's not like it's a slow song," she teased him.  
  
"B-but I... I can't dance!" he hissed, a look of abject terror on his face.  
  
Ukyo shrugged. "Then there's no better time to learn."  
  
"B-b-but people are staring at me!" he tried again. Specifically, people I don't want you to notice.  
  
Ukyo was not about to be turned down, however. "We did not come to La Petite Maison to spend the entire night just eating," she berated. After [BANNED TOPIC!!! EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS TOPIC IS LIKELY TO SCREW YOUR BRAIN!!!], you owe me! "Now, are you a man or a mouse?"  
  
"I like cheese," he responded weakly, giving into his fate.  
  
Somehow he managed to muddle his way through the next few numbers without destroying anything. His confidence began to rise slowly but surely... Ukyo hadn't spotted Ranma and Akane - together - which would no doubt be the subject of all hot gossip at school next week, Kuno hadn't thrown a tantrum at the sight of Ranma and Akane out together and somehow, he'd managed to make it this far without attacking Ranma, being beaten up by Ukyo or splashed by cold water. He relaxed slightly, a small smile playing across his face. Yep. Everything's going perfectly.  
  
"Excuse me, could we cut in?"  
  
"W-wha...?"  
  
"Hey!!"  
  
It really was amazing how often the sound of impending doom is usually marked by the voice of Nabiki Tendo. Before either Ukyo or Ryoga could protest (much), they were whisked away by new partners. Ryoga felt his stomach begin a replica of a deep sea dive as Nabiki upgraded her shark grin from 'I know something verrrrry interesting about you' to 'I know something verrrrry interesting about you and I'm going to blackmail your buns off now.' She looped her arms around his neck and purred cheerfully. "Why, fancy meeting you and Ukyo here of all places! I thought you two had an 'all romance void' engagement!"  
  
"We do," Ryoga responded flatly, feeling very much like a fly in a web and trying not to let any uncertainty seep into his voice. "I'm trying to apologize for the Hinako incident - which you started, by the way," he added snappily. "We got the pressure points, I'm not a ladykilling pervert, and as you may have noticed, the woman still hates my guts."  
  
Nabiki tutted cheerfully. "Such temper, Ryoga-chan. I guess you'd rather be back with Ukyo, eh?" she paused for a second before leaning in closer. "After all, you only have until Monday night," she whispered. She stifled a giggle as she felt the Lost Boy start in surprise and pressed on before he could try and charm his way out of it. "Would be such a dreadful shame if Ukyo were to find out about this challenge, eh?"  
  
"You wouldn't be willing to keep it secret out of the goodness of your heart," Ryoga asked meekly, not even bothering with denial.  
  
"Ooooh..." Nabiki looked thoughtful for a second before continuing. "That depends entirely on whether you manage it or not." She winked slyly. "We'll talk later," she called, whirling back into Kuno's embrace.  
  
A remarkably enraged Ukyo grabbed him by the back of the collar and glared at him. "Having fun?!!"  
  
"Umm..."  
  
"Well, I'm not! I can't believe the nerve of that guy!!!" Ukyo spat, trying to simmer down her temper. She struck a dramatic pose. "My, Miss Kuonji, truly I am flattered at your attentions, leaving that lowly peasant boy, Hibiki, for greener pastures. While I can understand how you are loathe to remove yourself from my noble and most wondrous presence, alas, I have already but three goddesses who worship me," she declared in a horribly accurate mimic of BokkenBoy.  
  
Noooo!!! This isn't fair! How am I supposed to kiss her if she's in a foul mood?!! Turning around, Ryoga brought out a mace from HammerSpace (about the same size as a mallet, but with far more of a wallop) and whacked Kuno over the head with it. "BE NICE TO UCCHAN!!"  
  
At her table across the room, Urd scowled at the ruckus. Now this simply won't do!! she thought, preparing a spell. Run, run, even unto the Ends of the Earth, for Lo! Thy Awakening is at Hand!  
  
A soft glow formed in her hand and on a table near the dance floor, nobody noticed as a roast chicken sprouted legs. Run, run, with all Thy might... for Thou art now my Servant!  
  
Nabiki screamed as the chicken launched itself at her and Kuno began hacking at it with his bokken, to no avail.  
  
Ryoga turned round and scowled at her. "Urd!!"  
  
Urd cackled with laughter and made the chicken perform a little jig. "Just getting rid of your little troublemakers!!"  
  
"For heavens sake, Urd, don't you ever think?!" Ryoga yelled, trying to recall what little Skuld had taught him about life-force magic.  
  
Not much, but enough. Ranma and Akane jumped to their feet with a yell as their french bread decided to take a stroll. Ranma took a few deep calming breaths. It's just some kind of puppet trick, that's all!! He reached blindly for a sharp knife and swung it just above the bread. "Must be some wires about... here!"  
  
Akane gulped and backed away. "N-nothing?! Then how...?"  
  
Urd added a few more items to her chicken with an evil expression. "NOBODY outdoes me at life-force magic! Mwahahahaha!!!"  
  
"URD!! WILL YOU JUST GROW UP?!" Ukyo yelled in annoyance. In response, the thingamijig turned and began to move towards her. "Eep! Get AWAY!!"  
  
Ryoga turned around and quickly took note of the situation. "Uh... uh... Sic 'em!" he commanded helplessly. Amazingly, incredibly, it worked. The french bread stopped worrying Ranma and attacked Urd's delightful creation with crust teeth, which ran into a table to try and get it off. Ryoga backed away and grabbed Ukyo's hand, dragging her out of the restaurant. "Let's get out of here before we get blamed for all this!"  
  
"Sounds like a plan to me!" Ukyo agreed wholeheartedly. They ran.  
  
"Finally!" Mousse exhaled, seeing the familiar figures flee the restaurant. At least he hoped it was them - even with his glasses on, it was hard to be certain from this distance.  
  
His reluctant companion grumbled by his side. "When you said we were going to spy on them, I thought you meant from inside the restaurant." Mihoshi looked down in dismay at her once-black velvet dress. "This cost me a lot of money, you know."  
  
"I'm not rich. I don't exactly get paid multi-millions for my work," Mousse snapped. "And stop whinging about your clothes, airhead."  
  
"Jerk."  
  
"Airhead."  
  
"Jerk."  
  
"Airhead."  
  
"Poofter."  
  
"Airh... what did you call me?!" Mousse glared at her even more ferociously.  
  
Mihoshi giggled. "Nothing. Come on, they're going."  
  
Watching her skip along a safe distance behind the happy couple, Mousse began to seriously question his sanity on bringing her along. True, she would sooner rip Ukyo limb from limb rather than let her lay lips on her beloved, but she was the most annoying, most irritating, most AIRHEADED person he'd ever laid eyes on. "They're heading towards the river," he said quietly.  
  
Mihoshi scowled. "Since when did I look like a lamppost?!"  
  
Mousse blinked, and re-examined what he was talking to. "Oops. My mistake. Come on!"  
  
Ukyo and Ryoga continued their walk, totally oblivious of the various spies following them, who were oblivious to each other. After a moment, Ryoga ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I'm really, really sorry about that," he said mournfully.  
  
Ukyo looked down fondly at the white roses she'd managed to rescue in their flight. "It wasn't your fault," she said quietly, remembering how he'd hit Kuno and set the french bread on the mutant chicken.  
  
"It wasn't??"  
  
Ryoga looked bemused and Ukyo managed a small laugh. "Of course not, silly!"  
  
"R-really??"  
  
"Yes, really!" Seeing him veer unconsciously in the wrong direction, she looped her arm through his and pulled him back on track. "Ucchan's is this way."  
  
"We're going back already?"  
  
Ukyo sighed, noting the disappointment in his voice. I feel like the worlds biggest heel... and after he went to so much trouble too... "We... could go to a disco or something if you want," she suggested.  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "Let's just go for a walk." He began to wander away - back towards the restaurant.  
  
"Sure." Ukyo pulled him back again, this time keeping hold of his arm. "But we do NOT want to go that way."  
  
Ryoga inwardly cursed his sense of direction. "What's that way?"  
  
"La Petite Maison," she replied with a small giggle. "Wonder what Nabiki and Kuno were doing there though?"  
  
"Hmm." Ryoga quickly diverted the subject before Ukyo could enquire as to whether he knew why they'd been there. "Do you think we'll ever be able to go out anywhere without the whole of Nerima finding out?"  
  
"Dunno," Ukyo said cheerfully. "Let's try again and find out."  
  
"!?!?!?!?!?!" Ryoga turned around sharply and almost fell into the river.  
  
"It was a joke! Pull yourself together!" Ukyo grabbed his hand to pull him back. In fact, she pulled a bit harder than intended. All of a sudden they were nose to nose, eye to eye and microcentimeters apart. "Uh..."  
  
"Uh..." Ryoga agreed. Trying to talk was a big mistake. Lips being near each other was one thing. Open lips near each other was another thing entirely, especially when those lips could feel the hot breath coming from the lips across from them. They were frozen in the moment, utterly spellbound by each other. They both tried to look away from the lips, which only resulted in them locking eyes. Close intense eye contact was, if anything, worse.  
  
It was a sugary sweet moment. And somehow, even though it was the right moment for it, Ranma's challenge was suddenly the last thing on Ryoga's mind as he looked into Ukyo's startled blue eyes. Yes, all in all, it was the kind of moment to play the backing music to 'Titanic', the kind of moment that sends diabetics into insulin shock.  
  
The kind of moment to fall in love to.  
  
Someone was fated to interrupt it. And tonight, that someone carried an arsenal that would make Saddam Hussein jealous. "RYOGA HIBIKI, PREPARE TO DIE!!!"  
  
CRACKBANGCRASHBOOMSound of metal blade whizzing through airSHIUCRACK  
  
"Ryoga! Don't mo..."  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."  
  
SPLASH  
  
"What was that for?!!" Ukyo asked dangerously, advancing on Mousse.  
  
Mousse bowed. "Don't think to harshly of me, Ukyo Kuonji, I have your best interests at - glk!"  
  
"Enough with the small talk, ducky," Ukyo said icily. "I asked for an explanation, not a Shakespearian sonnet."  
  
Mousse waved frantically at his throat, indicating that air was necessary at present before he could speak. Reluctantly, Ukyo loosened her grip and Mousse wheezed for breath. "Kissing... hack challenge... gasp ends.. cough Monday..."  
  
There was a flurry of activity from the bushes and Mihoshi flew out, hair in a disarray, gag around her neck and chains hanging from her limbs. She quickly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Ukyo! Gee... hehe... fancy meeting you here!"  
  
"What's he talking about?" There was a definite hint of suspicion in Ukyo's voice as she directed the question at them all, including Ryoga-chan, who was trying to haul herself out of the river without losing her trousers again.  
  
"Nothing! Nothing!" Mihoshi protested, trying to hold Mousse still. "Just... too much champagne, you know? We'll just go now, you kids have fun!" She attempted to drag him away.  
  
Ukyo grabbed her arm and smiled sweetly. "No, I want to hear this. Mousse, sugar?"  
  
Mousse managed to twist his head free. "Ranma Saotome and..."  
  
"Oh no you don't!!"  
  
WHAM  
  
SPLASH  
  
"Quack?!" (Translation - Bloody hell! Where did he come from?!)  
  
"Ranchan!" Ukyo gazed at the pig-tailed martial artist in shock. "What did you do that for?"  
  
Ranma grinned nervously at her. "Didn't like to see your date being interrupted," he lied, dragging Ryoga-chan out of the water. Mousse pecked her on the head irritably and Ranma brushed him away. "I hope you two have fun!"  
  
Akane stepped out of the shadows and poured a kettle of water over Ryoga-chan. "Here you go, don't mind us now!" Ukyo and Ryoga nodded numbly.  
  
Ranma turned and handed the duck to Mihoshi. "Let's take care of him now," he instructed, his words heavy with meaning. Mihoshi nodded sadistically and the two of them began to walk away, whispering. "What are you doing out here with him anyway??!"  
  
"He didn't tell me what would happen if he lost..."  
  
Ukyo narrowed her eyes and chased after them, carrying the discarded kettle. "WAIT!!"  
  
SPLASH  
  
"OWWW, SHIT, THAT'S HOT!!!!!!!"  
  
Ukyo waved her battle spatula threateningly (I know it wasn't on her outfit, but when did that ever stop her?) at the gathered ensemble. "That's it. I am sick to death of being kept in the dark about whatever is going on, and I want an explanation NOW!!"  
  
Mousse looked around nervously. If I tell her, they'll all kill me - but if I don't, she'll kill me and he'll get to stay in Nerima...  
  
Akane looked at the sky. Oh Ranma... why do you have to make a mess of everything?  
  
Ranma looked at Akane. If I was Ryoga and Akane was Ukyo then telling the truth would be as good as suicide but I'm not Ryoga and Ukyo's not Akane but does that still mean it'll be suicide or not...?  
  
Ryoga looked at the floor. Help.  
  
Mihoshi looked at Mousse. Bakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabaka.....  
  
Ukyo tapped her foot. "Well? Anyone?" She crossed her arms sternly. "OBVIOUSLY something is going on..."  
  
"Maybe I can enlighten you." Nabiki stepped out of the shadows and sidled up to Ryoga. "If this works, you owe me big-time," she hissed. She quickly pasted on her most genuine-looking smile. "Like Mihoshi said, Mousse had too much to drink, and that had a bad effect with the mind drugs Cologne was using in her restaurant earlier."  
  
How many people are following us, anyway? Ukyo wondered idly, narrowing her eyes at Nabiki. Silently she pulled out a handful of notes and waved them enticing at Nabiki.  
  
"I can beat that," Ryoga hissed quickly.  
  
Nabiki swallowed and clenched her fists. "It's... true..." she said weakly. Her eyes stayed locked on Ukyo as the girl calmly added more bills to the wad. Argh! Why isn't there a drying out clinic for moneyholics?!?!  
  
"I can beat that too," Ryoga hissed again, carefully assessing the huge wad of bills. But I can't for much longer...  
  
Nabiki's eyes began to glaze over and turn to dollar signs and drool gathered at the corners of her mouth as Ukyo added yet another handful of bills to the wad. Must... fight... moneeeeeey... NO! But... it's sooooo much moneeeey... Her eyes followed the wad as the other girl waved it slowly back and forth, and her strength weakened.  
  
Ryoga gulped. "I..."  
  
"Uh-oh, we're losing her," Akane muttered, seeing her sisters face. She began to back away slowly. Mousse noticed and decided it would be wise to follow suit, as did Mihoshi. Only Ranma remained behind, curiosity binding him there.  
  
"I guess it must be true then," Ukyo said sweetly, pulling the money away.  
  
"Nabiki, fight it..." Ranma urged, but it was too late.  
  
Nabiki couldn't take it anymore. She ran forward. "No! Stop! It was a lie!" She grabbed the money and sank to her knees, laughing hysterically. "IT WAS A LIEEEEE!!!!"  
  
"NA-BI-KIIII!!!" Ryoga and Ranma wailed simultaneously.  
  
Nabiki turned her tear filled eyes on them. "I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself." She turned back to Ukyo and quickly composed herself. "Ranma bet Ryoga that he wouldn't be able to kiss you by Monday night. If he loses then he has to leave town." She smiled and patted her on the arm. "Don't be too mad with them, OK?"  
  
"Don't be too mad." Ukyo looked at the boys through dead calm eyes, which quickly turned stormy with anger. "DON'T BE TOO MAD???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She grabbed Ranma by the throat and shook him. "Why would you want him to do that?!! Don't you want me back?!!"  
  
"Ucchan... I'm sorry..."  
  
She let go and stepped back at the look in Ranma's eyes. "You don't want me back. You never wanted me for a fiancee." She breathed deeply, trying to stop herself from hitting him. "Fine. I can handle that." She turned on Ryoga, who stepped back nervously. "I can handle be engaged to you, too."  
  
"Umm..." Ryoga's eyes flickered from side to side as she continued to advance. "You can...?"  
  
Ukyo grinned madly. "Sure. But what I can't handle..." She hefted her spatula. "Is you two..." She stepped froward again. "Turning our -admittedly very whacked out- engagement..." She swung. "INTO SOME SORT OF PLAYGROUND GAME!!!!!!!" She connected.  
  
CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG  
  
Nabiki and Ranma winced at the very painful noises as Ukyo continued her rant.  
  
"YOU TOTAL JERK!!!!!!!"  
  
CLANNNNG  
  
"I SUPPOSE THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN SO NICE TO ME ALL WEEK!!!!!"  
  
CRUNCH  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGH YOU MEANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
SQUISHCLANNNG  
  
"I HATE YOU!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR LYING, RAT-FACE, AGAIN!!!"  
  
"SLAAAAAMMM  
  
"WE'RE THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Breathing heavily, she swung the spatula one last time. With a loud (you guessed it) CLANNNNNG, Ryoga was sent arcing straight back into the river. Ukyo grinned savagely. "Heh. I should've done that when you kissed me while you were sleepwalking. I should've known..."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Excuse me?!?"  
  
Ukyo dropped her spatula and clapped her hands over her mouth. "I didn't say that!"  
  
Ranma blinked a few times. "Sleepwalking? He kissed you when he was sleepwalking?!"  
  
The chef pressed her lips together tightly, a small whine escaping. Then she pushed past them both and ran before they could see the tears running down her face. Ryoga, you dummy! How could you do this to me?!  
  
Ranma pulled Ryoga-chan out of the river. "Did you hear that?"  
  
Ryoga-chan coughed and spat out a mouthful of water. "Yes." Her voice was emotionless, but Ranma didn't notice.  
  
"That means you don't have to leave!!" Ranma smiled slightly. The wet girl looked at him, glowing faintly green and the smile faded somewhat, along with the colour in his face. "Uh... Ryoga?"  
  
"Does it honestly matter whether I stay or go now?" Ryoga-chan didn't expect an answer. She looked at the greenish glow in a detached fashion. "Ranma?"  
  
"...Yes?"  
  
"I suggest you take Nabiki and run."  
  
End Part X  
  
Whew! I know this volume's shorter than the others - only ten chapters - but I wanted to get it out before I went to America. (Check's calendar.) Boy, did I manage that - still four weeks to go!  
  
Not much from the demons in this one, but they're biding their time. I do have some vague idea of what I'm doing. I don't intend on spilling up Shampoo and Tsubasa, for any Mousse/ Shampoo/ Tsubasa supporters, so there! Yes, Hinako does have a reason for hating Ryoga, Yes, it does have something to do with his little sister, and yes, I do intend on letting people know what's going on.  
  
And hopefully, Vol 4 will be done soon, when I finally manage to stop people staring over my shoulder.  
  
Ja ne!  
  
Benji )  
  
C&C much groveled for. Please write to me!!!!!! (Sponsored by Soun Sobs TM.)  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Benji Delaski Send me mail at:  
  
Back to my Ranma 1/2 page  
  
Back to my own fanfics  
  
Back to my Fanfiction Page  
  
To my credits!  
  
To the Ranma 1/2 songs! 


	11. Chapter 4

Catching the Butterfly, Volume 4 

CTB VOL 4 - Hopefully something a bit better that the drivel I pumped out in the aftermath of the Ibiza Virus.

Disclaimer. These characters do not belong to me, which sucks majorly because if they did belong to me, I could claim money for this and maybe my parents would stop nagging me to get a Proper Job. But they're not mine and I deserve to be forced to eat Akane's cooking for even mentioning them. Still, other people do worse things to them than I do…

No small furry creatures were harmed (much) during the writing of this story.

PROLOGUE

"Oww... my head..." Ryoga-chan rolled over and instantly fell out of bed. She sat up quickly and brushed her hair out of her eyes before sneezing cutely. She looked in distaste at the wet shirt she was still wearing and shivered violently. "Ugh... I feel dreadful."

Urd bounced into the room and grinned at her. "Let me guess. Feeling like crap?" Ryoga-chan nodded weakly and sneezed again. "Go figure. If you insist on going swimming at this time of year..." She stopped when the other girl showed no sign of reacting to her jokes and sat down on the edge of the bed with a sigh. "How do you manage to get yourself into these situations?" she asked in a long-suffering tone.

Ryoga-chan shrugged and coughed. "It's a knack." She shivered again and rubbed her eyes. "My head hurts."

Urd pressed a cool hand against her forehead and narrowed her eyes. "Look's like that cold's finally decided to rear it's ugly head up. Why don't you get changed into some warm clothes and I'll send Skuld up? She's far better at this nurse... thing... than I am," she advised, stepping out of the door.

Ryoga-chan looked around at her surroundings. Guess they brought me back to my house, she thought, pulling the wet shirt over her head.

I hate you! I never want to see your lying, rat-face again!

She bit her lower lip and pulled a large jumper out of her chest of drawers. Not just 'my house' anymore. Guess this is home for now.

PART 1

Hurricane Ukyo's Reign of Terror!

"See, you know more than Doctor Tofu," Skuld explained to Washu.

Washu smirked. "Of course. After all, I am the greatest scientific genius in the galaxy, you know."

"Plus, Ryoga's scared stiff of Doctor Tofu after what he did to him last time," Skuld added, bursting the bubble a little.

Washu scowled and strode into the room. "Didn't I tell you you'd get ill if you weren't careful?" she said sternly to the girl. She waggled her finger. "Mommy knows best!"

"You're not my mother," Ryoga-chan said hoarsely, coughing behind her hand.

"Details, details. Now say 'ahh'." Washu grinned proudly. "This is my newly developed flu remedy."

Stars burst in the background and the room changed into a film studio. Washu, now dressed in a business suit, grinned at camera 1. "It's the all-new G.S.G.I.T.G cold and flu syrup, only $19.95 unless you attend Furinkan High!" she chirped enthusiastically. "Relieves all cold and flu symptoms within three days or your money back! Warning - may cause drowsiness."

"May cause...?" Ryoga-chan swallowed the mixture. Instantly her eyes glazed over and she toppled over backwards.

"OK, so it will cause drowsiness."

"Miss Tendo? Doctor Whuu will see you now." (Hint - say the name aloud.)

Nabiki climbed to her feet and strode purposefully towards the door of the Doctor's office. He looked up at her arrival and indicated the long brown couch. "Make yourself comfortable, Miss Tendo," he said cheerfully. "Is it OK if I call you Nabiki?"

Nabiki nodded and lay down. "I'm glad you could see me, Doctor," she admitted, wringing her hands. "I'm beginning to get a bit worried about myself."

"Why not tell me what the trouble is?" he offered, picking up a pen and clipboard.

Nabiki nodded. "I'm obsessed with money. Over the last four years, I haven't spent a penny of my own money. I have money-scented perfume and money shaped chocolate. I even have rubbers shaped like english bank notes, which are really pretty."

"Fascinating," Doctor Whuu murmured, scribbling on the pad.

"I know the word for 'money' in forty-seven languages, including sign language and I can spell it in Arabic, Korean, Chinese, Russian, Greek, Egyptian Hieroglyphics, Portuguese, Transilvanian and Welsh."

The Doctor looked up sharply. "Did you say... Welsh?"

"Uh-huh."

"Oh my. This is more serious than I thought." He rubbed his chin and consulted his notepad, which contained a number of doodles featuring potatoes and courgettes in lead role. He pulled a few flash cards from the desk draw and held one up. A round circle with a blob in the middle. "What do you see here?"

"Money."

"Here?" A rectangle with letters and money on it.

"Money."

"Here?" A CD.

"Money."

"Here?" Bill Gates.

"Money."

"And here." A chimpanzee.

"Money."

The Doctor sighed and put the cards away. "Now then, Nabiki," he said gently, "tell me about your childhood."

Nabiki sighed. "The very first time I ever got pocket money. I was just about to buy a Ballerina Barbie when the note flew out of my hand." She clenched her fists at the memory. "Four years old and my first pocket money goes out the window. I needed that Barbie and that BITCH SALESWOMAN wouldn't sell it to me." She closed her eyes tightly, remembering the haughty saleswoman's lemon-pinched face and her sneering tone. "Then, when I was six, I got lost downtown. I was crying and crying but no-one offered to help me. Eventually I manage to find the bus stop. And the bus driver won't let me on because I have no money." She took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. "Then I was eight. The fair was in town. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience because the company were closing down and everyone was going." Smoke was beginning to come from the direction of the Doctor as he tried vainly to keep up with her. "Daddy promises we can go on the last day when they're giving out candy and toys and I was really excited. I couldn't wait. The day before we're due to go, Daddy discovers he hasn't paid the water bill. He's running around frantically, trying to gather up enough money before we're cut off but there's not enough and he has to drive all the way to Grandma's to try and persuade her to lend him some money but the OLD HAG won't let him and he's begging and pleading and eventually Granny agrees, on the condition that she spends the next day with me and my sisters even though we're all dying to go to the fair but Daddy says yes and we have to spend the last day of the fair watching Granny knit a sweater." She tilted her head and looked at the Doctor. "That's when I decided that money was the most important thing in the world. I didn't ever want to be short of it," she explained solemnly.

Doctor Whuu finally managed to pause for breath and looked down at the picture of the Mona Lisa with a moustache. "Dear, dear. But what made you decide to come here?"

Nabiki groaned as she recalled the nights events. "That's a long story, Doc. Hope we've got enough time left..."

To say Ukyo was still not a happy bunny would be an understatement. To say she was nearly as dangerous as Urd when she'd become the Lord of Terror was a bit more accurate. And woe betide anyone who was stupid enough to get in her way.

One person was.

"Ucchan?" Ranma poked his head around the doorframe and looked from side to side cautiously. "You here?"

wheeeeEEEEEEEETHUNK

"Would you believe that frying pan slipped right out of my hands," Ukyo said sarcastically from the other side of the counter. She scowled at Ranma as he slowly sat up. "What the hell do you want, Saotome?"

Ranma flinched slightly at the use of his surname. Ooooo-kay. She's still mad. He attempted smiling at her. "I wanted to apologise for-" he began, starting to climb to his feet.

Ukyo held up a hand, cutting him off. "Ah, ah, ah." She smirked dangerously. "Back on your knees, where you belong."

The pig-tailed martial artist thought for a second before quickly deciding that it would be safer to do as she said, and started kissing gravel. "I'm very sorry, Kuonji-san. I should've told you a long time ago that I didn't want to marry you."

Ukyo twitched.

"And I shouldn't have tried to push you and Ryoga together. Don't be too hard on him - I told him he couldn't tell you about the new challenge. I was behaving just like my father."

Twitch, twitch.

"And I guess I really shouldn't have paid Nabiki to spy on you two," Ranma finished, rather stupidly.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

"YOU WHAAAAAAAAT!" Ukyo vaulted over the counter and brought the spatula crashing down on the spot where Ranma had been a second ago. Except now he was three feet to the right and praying for his life. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Eep!" Ranma was on his feet in a second and dodging blows frantically. He hadn't seen Ukyo like this since she'd first arrived in Nerima, trying to kill him. Although he thought that this time, saying she was cute probably wouldn't stop her. Instead, he just continued to apologise frantically. "I'm sorry! Truly! Very, very sorry!"

"GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT!" she screamed, throwing her chibi-spatula's at him. "I HATE YOU! I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU!"

Lightning struck Ranma straight through the skull, killing off all his remaining braincells. All seven of them. That hurt. "Gah?" he managed to splutter out.

"You've RUINED my LIFE!" she bellowed at him, hitting him over the head. With a 'hmph', she turned her back on him. "I don't want to see you or that JACKASS Ryoga again!" Turning back again, she grabbed him by the collar and tossed him through the doorway. "EVER!"

Landing in a crumpled heap in the street, Ranma began counting fingers, toes and other body parts to make sure everything was present and correct. Yup. Definitely still mad.

End Part I

PART II

Please Donate Spare Nurses

to the NHS.

"Remarkable, truly-"

"GWAH! MONKEY ONNA STICK!"

Skuld toppled over backwards with fright before Cologne could justify that remark. Instead, she flicked her hair over her shoulder and bounced over to Ryoga-chan's sleeping form. "As I was saying, that was remarkable-" The old lady stopped with a frown. "Excuse me, sleeping beauty!"

"What?" Skuld asked, keeping a safe distance.

Cologne glared at her. "Not you! Yoo hoo! Ex-son-in-law! Wake up!"

Shampoo hopped through the window. "He sleeping," she explained rationally.

Cologne glared at her. "I KNOW." She rapped Ryoga-chan lightly over the head with the stick. "OI! I'm trying to praise you here!"

Ryoga-chan rolled over. "Not now, Ucchan... I'm asleep... zzzz..."

Cologne rolled her eyes. "OK, that's enough."

WHAM

Ryoga-chan sat up smartly. "What? What? What?"

Tossing the broken halves of her walking stick aside, Cologne settled for a perch on the end of the headboard. "As I was trying to say, That was incredible! I haven't seen a Shishi Hokodan since I was in double digits."

Ryoga-chan looked blank. "A what?"

"Shishi Hokodan." Ryoga-chan remained blank and Cologne gave an exasperated sigh. "Roaring Lion Bullet? Depression Blast?"

"Big green light what go boom in sky," Shampoo offered.

Ryoga-chan blinked in confusion. "What? Are you saying that those things are an actual technique?"

Now it was Cologne's turn to look surprised. "You did it without any training!"

The dark-haired girl nodded. "Twice actually. It just went boom."

Cologne looked thoughtful. "The Shishi Hokodan is fuelled by depression. You must have been incredibly depressed to release one that big without any training... what happened?"

"Nothing!" she snapped hotly.

"Ukyo dumped him," Skuld piped up from her perch in mid-air. "Into the river."

Ryoga-chan dissected Skuld with her eyes and rolled over. "Whatever. I'm going back to sleep now," she grumbled.

"Aiyaa... is you sick?" Shampoo asked in concern. Ryoga-chan sneezed in reply and the purple-haired amazon clapped her hands. "Shampoo be nurse to you!"

"!" Ryoga-chan sat up again. "No, that's OK-"

"Shampoo insist! Want practise mother to be!" She waved a farewell to her grandmother turned back to the invalid. "You be better in no time all!" she promised.

Mihoshi's eyes flicked quickly from side to side. "Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear," she repeated as the cars drove over the small slip of paper with Ryoga's address on it. Cursing under her breath, she continued relentlessly, vowing to ask the next person she saw if they knew where it was.

She quickly change her mind, however, when she saw Ukyo sweeping leaves outside her store. Somehow, watch her sweep them up made Mihoshi pity the leaves. At least they were already dead though. She wasn't that lucky. She backed away slowly, not wanting to attract any attention to herself.

Some sixth sense alerted Ukyo to the other girl's presence and she looked up. "What!" she snapped irritably. "He's not here."

"I-I know," Mihoshi began haltingly. "Do you know his address?"

"Why do you want to know the address of that baka hentai jerk anyway?" The broom vaporised under her grasp and she swore loudly, tossing it aside. "He hasn't even called to try and apologise." She buried her fist into the pavement. "Why hasn't he at least called to tell me he's a twat!" She turned away and dryly quipped: "Hi Ukyo, it's me, Ryoga. I'm a twat."

"Maybe because you beat him up, threw him in the river and said you never wanted to see him again?" Mihoshi offered, backing away quickly when the other girl's face loomed into her vision.

"He could've at least TRIED!"

"He's ill," Mihoshi said quietly.

"...W-what?" Ukyo blinked at her in amazement.

Mihoshi held up a basket. "Washu told me to take him this medicine but I lost the address. Please tell me you know the address?"

Shampoo entered the room with a flourish. "Tada! Presenting Amazon Special All-Purpose Get Well Soon meal!"

Ryoga looked at her in amazement. "Wow!" Shampoo grinned proudly. "You said the name in proper Japanese!"

"Why you..." Shampoo resisted the urge to break the plate over his head. Instead she just 'hmph'ed and set the plate down. "Shampoo to try learn Japanese. How you? Take no-tact lessons from Ranma, hmm?"

Ryoga sighed dismally. "Sorry. I... ATCHOO!"

"Aiyaa! Eat! Eat! Make better!"

Shampoo thrust the vegetable stir-fry under his nose and a wave of nausea flooded through him. "I'm not hungry."

Shampoo immediately turned into a passable replica of the Soun Tendo demon head. "EAT IT!"

"I'll be sick," he said stubbornly, pulling the covers over his head. He knew he was being rude, but he didn't feel like being nice to people at present.

Shampoo looked solemn. "OK, what matter?" she asked gently.

"Nothing's the matter," Ryoga replied, sounding slightly muffled from under the duvet. "What could possibly be wrong?"

"You tell me. No to do Shishi Hokodan for no no reason," she said with a shrug.

"For no REASON! You know why..." He stopped. "Wait. You weren't there last night, were you?"

"Weren't where?"

"Doesn't matter."

Shampoo scowled and pulled the blanket back. "You to talk to Shampoo!"

"What do you care?" Ryoga snapped.

Shampoo tried to think of how to explain it. Firstly, she didn't like to see people looking so down when she was happily engaged and she wanted to share that happy feeling. (Don't you just hate people like that?) And secondly, she was well aware that she didn't have very good motherly skills and she wanted to learn how to use them properly. Currently, she was wondering how Kasumi managed it without losing her rag all the time. "Shampoo be neutral person. You talk Shampoo, Shampoo give advice," she said carefully.

Ryoga thought about that for a second. It made some sense - Shampoo was about the only person he could think of who didn't try to kill him at every turn. "OK, you win..."

"Come on, sis," Urd pleaded, trailing after the youngest goddess. "I need your help if we're going to get them back together."

Skuld shook her head. "I said no. It's our fault they broke up in the first place-"

"What are you talking about! We didn't make that dumb challenge and we certainly didn't tell Ukyo about it!" Urd snapped.

"Well, maybe not us. But it's the meddling that did it," Skuld tried to explain. "It's like two similar poles on magnets. The more you push them together, the harder they resist."

Skuld quickly demonstrated with two magnets. "You see?"

"Give me those." Urd tried vainly to stick the two north poles together, to no avail. "There's gotta be some way to do this..." she muttered under her breath.

Skuld shook her head as the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," she called unnecessarily.

click

WHAM

"Hi! Washu told me to bring this over, Sasami made some dinner to go with it, I'll just go up here..."

Mihoshi's voice dissolved up the stairs and Skuld slowly sat up, brushing the footprints off her clothing. "Sure. Come right in..." she managed to say weakly. ouch.

World War III erupted the moment Shampoo and Mihoshi laid their beady eyes upon each other. "What you want, stupid bubble-head girl?" Shampoo snapped.

"Oh, it's you." Mihoshi glared at her. "I came to bring Ryoga some food."

"Shampoo in charge, say he no can eat bubble-head's poison!"

"It's NOT poison! I didn't even make it!" Mihoshi seethed and the two of them flew at each other. The fight didn't last long.

BOOT

SLAM

"GROW UP!" Ryoga yelled through the door and flopped down on his bed. Stupid girls. Why do they always overreact to everything? He reached under the pillow and pulled out a photo. It was taken from a while ago. R-D and R-C were at it tooth and nail, Aiko was curled up asleep on the grill and R-A was trying to push her off so he could clean the grill. Ukyo was trying to separate the duelling twins and as for himself, he was behind the camera. You died, you vanished and you... He sighed and a lone tear tricked down his cheek. You hate me.

Urd looked up from her perch in front of the television as WWIII troops marched into the room. In other words, Mihoshi chased Shampoo into the room and attempted to throttle her with the telephone wire. "Do you guys mind? I'm trying to watch this," she said irritably, turning up the volume of the television.

"Shut up! Or you Shampoo kill too!" Shampoo launched 'Childs Play 2' at Mihoshi, who retaliated with 'U.S Marshals.'

"Sure you will," Urd replied with a yawn, lazily flicking a few energy balls at them. "And I'm a wombat." Shampoo and Mihoshi scraped themselves off of the floor and sent a few dirty looks at her before exiting the room. Urd scowled. "Don't need the likes of you fiddling with my plans," she muttered, recognising Mihoshi from the night before. She turned back to the television and picked up the two magnets. I swear, I will get them together, she thought grimly.

Skuld glared at her. "You're not allowed to meddle unless you can get the magnets to stick together."

"Deal!"

Hehehehe... you'll see, Urd. I know what I'm talking about. "The laws of physics rule ALL! Mwahahahaha!" Skuld allowed herself a small smirk of satisfaction before WWIII started up again. She raced up the stairs to find Mihoshi and Shampoo trying to open Ryoga's door, with a success rate of zero. "What's going on?"

"He won't open the door," Mihoshi growled. "And it's time for his medicine."

Skuld sighed. "Wait there." nipping downstairs, she placed a kettle on to boil, then quickly moved through it to Ryoga's tea. "Why- OW HOT OW HOT!"

"Gwah! What- how-!" Ryoga poked the teacup. "It's still hot?"

Skuld halted her impression of a flea on a grill and looked at him. "You OK? Why did you lock everyone out?" She walked over to the door. "..."

"Don't...!"

BOOM

"I BROUGHT THE MEDICINE!" Mihoshi roared, glomping Ryoga's right arm.

"SHAMPOO NURSE!" Shampoo retorted, glomping the left.

"OH YEAH? WHO DIED AND MADE YOU AN MD!"

"BUGGER OFF!"

Where did she learn to say that! Skuld pondered, once again peeling herself off the floor.

Ryoga glared at her. That's why I locked the door, he thought silently, trying to detach the girls from his arms. "Get OFF me!"

"Look! Skuld! I did it!" Urd barrelled into the room, trampling Shampoo, Mihoshi and Ryoga into the carpet. "See? See!"

Skuld took the two magnets from her sister and examined them carefully. "Wow!" She cast Urd a dubious look. "Show me how you did it."

Urd shrugged and stepped off the flattened teens. "OK. Uhh..." She looked around for a second. What repels each other... "Aha!" She yanked Shampoo and Mihoshi to their feet. "Stand still." She whipped a weird device out of her pocket and popped a capsule into it. "Watch."

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"Hey!"

"Not funny!"

Skuld tried not to snicker at the two enraged teens, who were now stuck back to back. "OK Urd. I admit it, you did it. Now how do you undo it?"

Urd looked down at the device. "Uhh..."

The smile froze on Skuld's face. "You used it on mortals and you don't know how to UNDO it?" she asked dangerously.

"Well... sort of," Urd admitted, scratching the back of her head. "Maybe it's..."

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Skuld gave a squeak of outrage as she became one with the magnetised girls. "Urd! You IDIOT!"

"Oops." Urd looked down at the dials. "Maybe-"

"NO!" Ryoga snatched the device away from her. "Don't!"

Skuld tried to ignore the other two girls as they bickered next to her. "Give it to me. I'll take it downstairs and fix it." Ryoga handed it over and the three of them spent the next few minutes trying to get out of the door.

Urd smiled sweetly to herself. Being magnetised had kicked all other information out of Skuld's brain for the moment, and she'd forgotten to gripe at Urd not to meddle. Consequently, Urd was determined to meddle while she still could. Glancing around, she switched on the television and stepped inside.

#I feel like I've been locked up tight, for a century of lonely nights-#

You're not the only one. Ukyo reached out and flicked off the radio, trying to concentrate on her homework, trying being the operative word. Instead, all she could concentrate on was the events of the night before and Ranma's attempted apology that morning.

It hurt. A lot. Ranma didn't want her for a fiancee. Never wanted her as his fiancee. Sure, she'd suspected that when Kodachi had meddled with them all, but it hurt to actually know the truth. Not only that, but he'd tried to force her and Ryoga together and paid Nabiki Tendo to spy on them. Bakabakabaka jerk. It's not fair! Why couldn't you let us alone? That was another thing that hurt - the fact that Ryoga's affections during the past week had been forced and not real. She blinked and looked around. This room got big all of a sudden... quiet, too. She reached over and snapped the radio back on.

#I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel-#

"ARGH!" Ukyo snapped the radio off again and flicked the TV on. "Doesn't anyone sing about happy stuff any more!"

"Sure they do, you're just listening to the wrong songs."

Urd popped out of the screen and Ukyo fell over backwards in shock. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Yeesh. Take a chill pill!" Urd settled herself down on the counter and poured herself out a saucer of sake. "Want some?"

"No." Ukyo crossed her arms. "Why are you here? Have you come to collect Ryoga's stuff?"

"Hmm?" Knocking back the saucer, Urd scrutinised her carefully. "But... shouldn't you give him another chance?" Ukyo just glared at her and the goddess sighed. "Why don't you talk to him?" she suggested.

Ukyo considered it for a moment. Maybe I will... The more she thought about it, the more appealing it sounded. Take some of his stuff back, let him beg for forgiveness, then she could refuse it. Then maybe he'd actually see she was serious. "OK then. I'll just get some of his stuff."

Urd narrowed her eyes at Ukyo's departing back. I can tell what you're planning to do. But what to do about it? Why were mortals so damn stubborn! Then she remembered Mara and her factor reversing chocolate. It had made the evil Booster demons good - maybe it would make Ukyo forgive Ryoga?

And welcome to QwikCook with Urd! What do you do when you're trying your hand at matchmaking but the couple refuse to co-operate? Here's your host, Urd!

Urd Thank you, Bill. The couple in question have had a big fight. They won't listen to each other. However, thanks to this new factor reversing okonomiyaki,holds okonomiyaki aloft and sprinkles some powder on it they'll soon be back on the path of lurve! Based on Mara's chocolate, I've made a few adjustments... pours a little liquid on it. However, the liquid pours out too fast...oops. Guess I should've used a spoon. Well, I'm sure that won't hurt it in the slightest! Now-

"Urd, what are you doing!"

Urd jumped around in shock, quickly hiding the okonomiyaki behind her back. "Nothing! Nothing at all! Lets get going!"

End Part II

PART III

Sexual Reality

DINGDONG

"We'll get it!" Skuld called up the stairs. Now all joined by the hand, Skuld, Shampoo and Mihoshi attempted to get to the door and open it. "Urd. Ukyo!"

"What's up with you three?" Ukyo asked patiently, reigning in her temper. He sure doesn't waste any time, does he?"

Skuld looked at the three of them in a row. "Uh... Can Can line!" She kicked her legs in the air and Shampoo and Mihoshi quickly joined her. They all promptly fell over. "We need the practice," Skuld explained, trying to climb back to her feet.

Ukyo gave her an enquiring look and stepped over the heap of jumbled bodies. "Where's Ryoga? I have some of his stuff." She disappeared before anyone could answer her.

Skuld groaned. "Urd, what are you playing at? Why'd you bring her back here for? She's still angry!"

"Not for long."

Skuld blinked then noticed the expression on her sister's face. "You promised you wouldn't meddle!"

Urd waved her finger. "I promised I wouldn't meddle unless I could get the magnets to stick. And I did. So nya!" She stepped over the bodies and raced after Ukyo.

Skuld tried to get up. "Come on, you two! Put some effort into it! Urd? Urd, don't you dare do anything! URD!" This is soooo frustrating!

"Yoo hoo? Anyone here?" Ukyo booted open the door to Ryoga's room. "Oh, there-"

"GET LOST!" Ryoga yelled, pulling a pillow over his head.

Ukyo blinked a few times before a scowl settled on her face. "FINE! If that's the way you FEEL!"

W-wait! That's... Ryoga slowly turned around, then morphed into the scream mask. No! Why her! "U-Ukyo! I thought you were someone else! W-what are you... ATCHOO!"

"So, you really are ill," Ukyo commented.

"Um, Ukyo?" Ryoga began haltingly, tightening his grip around his blanket. "Um... I-I'm really sorry about l-last night..." He swallowed and looked up at her. "I-I understand if you hate me..."

"You do?" Ukyo said gently. Ryoga nodded and she smiled sweetly. "Good."

WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM

"'CAUSE I DO HATE YOU, YOU ARROGANT JERK!"

Urd flew through the door and pulled the rather heavy souvenir out of Ukyo's clutch. "Now, now, come with me. That's not very nice," she said soothingly, dragging the irate girl from the room and shutting the door behind her. "Try some of this okonomiyaki, it'll make you feel better," she purred, holding out a part of it with some chopsticks.

"Wha-"

Seeing her chance, Urd quickly popped a bit into Ukyo's open mouth. "Good girl. Now, in you go."

Ukyo found herself flying across the room. She managed to regain her balance and looked at Ryoga. He backed away nervously. "Wh-what? Are you going to hit me again?"

Ukyo smiled. "No. I forgive you."

Blink, blink. "WHAT!"

Ukyo continued to smile. "I said, I forgive you."

Ryoga frowned, then looked closer at her. "Hmm..." Then he noticed Urd's mistake. When she'd made the okonomiyaki, she spilt too much liquid into the batter. Consequently, not only had it reversed her feelings...

It had also reversed her gender.

"Urd, you have to do something about this!" Ryoga hissed, casting a look in Ukyo-kun's direction.

"All right, all right." Urd continued rooting through the fridge. "Got any yoghurt? I have this sudden craving for it."

"Try the freezer."

Urd blinked. "Why would yoghurt be in the freezer?"

"That's where I put it." Ryoga lowered his voice. "Now, about Ukyo..."

"I've heard of frozen yoghurt, but that's just ridiculous!"

"URD!"

Ukyo-kun paused in the middle of his flower arranging. "Please don't yell, Ryoga. It's most uncouth."

"Why is she doing that?" Ryoga asked Urd as the other boy cheerfully went back to flower arranging.

Urd shrugged. "She was a really macho girl, so the reversing fluid made her a really feminine boy."

"Can you turn her back?"

Urd looked embarrassed. "Wellllll, I sort of don't really know how..."

"WHAT!" Ryoga jumped to his feet in horror.

"We never had any reason to turn anybody back!" Urd protested.

"WELL YOU'VE GOT REASON NOW!"

"But are you sure you really want to?" Urd looked at Ukyo-kun from the corner of her eye. "I mean, she's so much nicer to you now..."

"I want my old Ukyo back," Ryoga said stubbornly. "Violent personality and all."

"Hello, Mihoshi, Shampoo, Skuld." Ukyo-kun smiled sweetly at his three rivals and continued walking down the corridor with an armful of wet washing to hang on the line.

"Hi Ukyo," Skuld replied, preoccupied with her task of separating herself from Mihoshi and Shampoo.

"Uh... forgive if Shampoo wrong, but that Ukyo?"

Skuld nodded and pressed another button. "Sure was."

There was a short pause. "Boy-type Ukyo? Shampoo see things?"

Skuld pressed another button and held her breath. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the three of them fell away from each other. "Yeah, she was definitely a guy," Mihoshi confirmed.

There was another short pause, then Skuld jumped to her feet. "URD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW!"

"That's wrong," Skuld corrected, pointing to a calculation on the page. "So's that."

Urd crossed out the calculations irritably. "If you're so smart, why don't you do it!"

"Because I don't see why I should be the one to keep bailing you out!" Skuld snapped.

Ryoga ignored the two of them and stared dismally out of the window at Ukyo-kun. This is all my fault. What if she never gets back to normal?... "Atchoo!"

Urd threw her pencil down triumphantly. "There!"

"What! You mean you can turn her back!

Urd backed away from the delighted Ryoga. "Sure. I just need a pineapple, two 13amp fuses, the Blue Butterfly and a slice of chocolate fudge cake."

Ryoga nodded slowly. "I can get you the pineapple, fuses and fudge cake, but I don't know if they sell blue butterflies in pet shops. You only really find them in Europe…"

Skuld shook her head. "Not a blue butterfly, the Blue Butterfly. It's a diamond."

Ryoga slipped back into his deep blue funk. "Where the hell am I supp-suppo... atchoo!" With a small growl, he grabbed a box of tissues and blew his nose. "Where am I supposed to get that from?"

"You just get the other stuff and I'll cast a spell to find the thing," Urd promised.

"Aiyah!" Shampoo jumped to her feet and blocked the doorway. "Shampoo no let you go outside with cold!"

Mihoshi nodded. "She has a point." She gestured outside. "It's the middle of October and there's a wind-chill of minus two degrees. You could get pneumonia!"

Ryoga scowled. "I'm not leaving Ukyo like that a second longer than necessary."

He attempted to step around them, but Mihoshi had joined Shampoo and the two of them blocked the doorway so tight that nothing short of a battering ram or high explosives could possibly budge them...

"Look! Matt Damon!"

Ryoga was halfway down the road before the two girls realised they'd been tricked. "Ry-O-ga!" Mihoshi yelled, racing after him. "That was MEAN!"

"No fair to use dirty tricks!" Shampoo yelled in agreement.

"Mwahahahaha-atchoo! You can't catch me..."

wheeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE

BONK

"That was uncalled for," Mihoshi scolded, handing Shampoo back her bonbori.

Shampoo tossed the unconcious boy over her shoulder. "Nobody tell Shampoo Matt Damon here and go unpunished," she said darkly.

Ryoga paced up and down the living room, looking ready to bite somebody. "What's taking them so long?" he growled, looking at the clock. Skuld and Urd had finally thrown him out of the room when he interrupted the spell for the fifth time and Shampoo and Mihoshi had (very reluctantly) offered to go and buy the other stuff. This left him with just Ukyo-kun for company, whom he was currently avoiding, finding the other boy just too unsettling to be around.

"Found it!" Urd finally exclaimed triumphantly.

"Whereisitwhereisit!" Ryoga demanded, bursting into the room and scaring the socks off the two goddesses.

Skuld looked apprehensive. "You won't like where it is…"

"I don't care if it's in Siberia," Ryoga interrupted recklessly. "Tell me where it is and I'll go get it."

"It's in the Kuno Mansion," Urd spoke up, a sly smile on her face. "Why are you so eager to get Ukyo back to normal, hmm?" she enquired teasingly.

"Because this Ukyo hates to cook," Ryoga replied, stealing Urd's thunder. "And I don't think I could survive on your cooking!"

Shampoo and Mihoshi arrived back at that moment. "OK, we have one pineapple," Mihoshi proclaimed, reaching into the carrier bag and handing the item to Skuld, who popped it into the top of some weird machine, "two 13 amp fuses…" These also went into the machine. "And a slice of chocolate fudge cake."

Skuld took the cake and frowned. "Why do we need chocolate fudge cake?" she asked Urd.

"Uh… that's for me," Urd admitted. "I'm hungry."

End Part III

PART IV

Catching a Butterfly!

Ukyo-kun was bored. No, he corrected himself, he was BORED. Whereas before, he would've done some cooking or watched a soap to amuse himself, he now found that the very thought of cooking okonomiyaki was on par with seventeen hours of a maths workshop - except now, the thought of maths sent him dry mouthed with lust so that was a pretty bad metaphor - and soap operas were mindless, boring pap for bimbos and airheads, he thought to himself, flicking past the seventh one that day. He glanced up as Ryoga entered the room, radiating annoyance. "What's your problem?" he asked, smirking slightly. "Time of the month?"

"Ha ha." Ryoga scowled and flopped down on the sofa. "Everybody seems to be convinced that I'm going to drop down dead if I set foot outside and it's driving me up the wall."

"So just sneak out," Ukyo-kun said boredly. "I don't want you around."

Ryoga simply gaped in astonishment at the other boy, before being alerted to a commotion in the hallway. Shampoo and Mihoshi were back. "Did you get it?" he asked hopefully. "I cannot stand that boy one second longer. I swear, I'm going to throttle him before long. "

"We no get it," Shampoo replied with a scowl, rubbing her head. "Now Shampoo hurt much."

"I told you we needed a better plan," Mihoshi pointed out.

"Like ask for diamond worked!" Shampoo snapped irritably, preparing to lash out.

"At least it was a better idea than simply attacking him and running inside!" Mihoshi retorted.

"How Shampoo to know big trap in doorway!"

"Girls, girls! Stop it!" Ryoga cut in before deadly weaponry could start flying back and forth. "We need a better plan."

"Any ideas?" Mihoshi asked, still keeping an eye on the Amazon.

"Actually, I do," Ryoga said smugly. "It's a trick Ranma's used on me several times - I'll turn myself into a girl and get Kuno to tell me where it is, then you two can get it while I keep him distracted."

Shampoo looked stunned. "That good plan! How you ever think of that!"

"Hey, stuck in bed all day, you do get quite a few good ideas every now and then!"

Tatewaki Kuno took a quick break in his kendo practise, proudly looking at the ravaged remains of a pigtailed dummy and sincerely wishing it was the real thing. Still, his day had been interesting enough, with that purple-haired girl who often seemed to be a major appendage on Ranma Saotome trying to force her way into the mansion in pursuit of the Blue Butterfly. He didn't have the slightest idea why, but as if he was going to let her take it from him! That foul sorcerer Saotome probably sent her in pursuit of it, he thought to himself. After all, it was rumoured to be magic.

On the other side of the wall, Shampoo, Mihoshi and Ryoga-chan were scoping out the situation. "OK, here I go," Ryoga-chan repeated, not budging at all.

"You say that ten minutes ago," Shampoo pointed out dryly.

"Weeell, I really am going now," Ryoga-chan said meekly. "In a moment."

"You scared?" Shampoo taunted.

"No!" the other girl snapped. "I am just in no particular hurry to be glomped and groped by that sicko."

"But if you don't go," Mihoshi pointed out, "Ukyo may stay a boy forever."

With that awful thought in mind, Ryoga-chan hopped over the wall and crouched down in the bushes near the boy. Just when she was about to stand up, a blade hurtled through the leaves and stopped millimetres from her nose. "Eeep!"

Kuno brushed his hair out of his eyes and struck a pose, his confidence so in that this intruder was nothing, that he didn't even look at her. "To boldly enter the grounds of the House of Kuno, home to the Noble and Magnificent Kuno family - unless you count my insane father and twisted sister - your impudence astounds me. Begone, before I take this blade to you!"

Ryoga-chan pulled a face, before striking a standard 'cute girl pose' she'd managed to pick up off Ranma, all big eyes and fearful pose. "O-oh, Kuno-sempai!" she gushed in a wavering voice. "Please, you're scaring me!"

Kuno's eyes shot open and he whirled around to face her. "Bandannaed girl!" Surely this could not be his precious little jewel!

"Oh pu-leese," Ryoga-chan muttered under her breath, before remembering she was trying to be cute. "Will you put the scary sword away now?" she asked in a little-girl voice.

"MY BELOVED!" Kuno made to glomp her and she quickly moved aside. "Come to these arms of mine!"

A foot connected with his face, abruptly ending his amorous pursuit. "Say, Kuno, would you give me a tour of your house?" Ryoga-chan asked sweetly, removing her foot from his face. "Somebody told me you had loads of neat stuff here."

"Of course, anything you desire," Kuno replied in ecstasy. At last, his beautiful, mysterious love (well, one of them) had entered his home of her own accord, and he certainly wasn't going to turn down her requests.

As soon as the two of them had entered the building, Mihoshi and Shampoo nipped over the wall and scuttled into the mansion, unaware that they were being shadowed by another person - Ukyo-kun. Annoyed with being left out of all these mysterious going-on's, but far too scared to actually ask about them, he'd decided to follow them there. Although why they wanted to come here was beyond his comprehension. Narrowly avoiding deadly traps and such like, he finally managed to get inside without being seriously injured and immediately set about the long task of locating everybody else.

"I'll bet you have more jewels than the Queen of England, right?" Ryoga-chan probed. "I'd love to look at them."

Kuno seemed heavily involved in the preparation of snacks. "There is no rush, my beloved. I can show you more jewels than there are stars in the sky. Will you not have something to whet your appetite before we embark upon our tour?"

Ryoga-chan looked at the plateful of goodies. They did look rather good… "Oh, all right. If you insist." She popped one tasty looking delectable into her mouth and chewed. "Urk…" she muttered, before she fell backwards off the chair. You jerk…

However, Kuno was just as shocked as she was. "Bandannaed girl! What is wrong, my love!" Tears streamed down his face. "Oh gods be merciful! KODACHI! What have you done to my love!"

Kodachi oozed into the room, radiating evil. "What is the matter, brother dear?" she asked sweetly.

"What evil substances have you used in the preparation of these?" Kuno asked, holding forth the plate of snacks.

Kodachi looked surprised. "Just the little red mushrooms. They don't do anything." She glanced down at the comatose girl on the floor and her eyes flickered in recognition. "Did you give some to her?"

"Oh, what have I done! To cut down such a fair flower before it has even begun to bloom? Oh woe is me!" Kuno howled in anguish.

"Just give her some of these," Kodachi advised, holding out a jarful of purple berries. "I do not wish to see you grieve further." With that, she turned and walked out, an evil smile spreading across her face. Give her those… and the path will be clear for me to wreak havoc on All Hallows Eve!

Kuno looked at the jar of berries and slowly, brain cells began to creak into place. There was no way on earth his sister would go out of her way to help one of his fair loves, which probably meant that his bandannaed goddess would be far better off if he threw these evil things away and let her sleep off the effects of the thing she'd eaten.

Shampoo and Mihoshi looked cautiously around the door frame and Kuno disappeared from the room with Ryoga-chan in his arms. "You think stick-boy really give those things to Ryoga?" Shampoo asked quietly.

"Even if he doesn't, can you imagine what he's planning to do to her anyway!" Mihoshi said in a horrified tone. I will not divulge into these thoughts because this fic is rated VF for Very Frigid. If you want the lemon version, click here. If nothing happens, that's because there is no lemon version available. You'll just have to use your imagination. (Yuk.)

Feeling as though her brain had been swimming through treacle, Ryoga-chan began the long and tiresome process of waking up. "Hnkk?" she asked fuzzily. "Where am I?"

"Ah, so you're awake, my pretty?" a voice asked.

Ryoga-chan jerked herself out of dreamland and looked around wildly. Her eyes fell upon Kuno, who was sat opposite, watching her. It then took her another few seconds to realise that she was lying on a bed. "YOU PERVERT!" she shrieked, the mallet of righteousness imprinting itself upon his skull.

Kuno rubbed his head with a groan. "Please be assured that I took no liberties with you, my love, I wished only for you to be comfortable while you recovered."

Ryoga-chan scowled. "Then why am I wearing silk pyjamas?"

"Uh…"

Ryoga-chan bashed him a few more times for good measure, then hefted her mallet threateningly. "Well? Show me around."

"Yes my love…" Kuno replied weakly, peeling himself off the floor.

Shampoo and Mihoshi looked around, puzzled. "Where are we?" Mihoshi asked meekly.

"Why ask Shampoo?" the Amazon snapped irritably. "All Shampoo know is we go round in bookcase when you try take 'Greed' book out." She looked up at the mass of chains hanging from the small room. "What you think those for?"

"Maybe one of those is a door handle?" Mihoshi suggested. "Although there doesn't seem to be a door anywhere."

"Try it," Shampoo ordered.

Mihoshi shrugged and yanked down on a handle. Instantly, the two girls were yanked up and away.

Ukyo-kun looked around nervously and stepped forward. Instantly, he wished he hadn't. A large pit opened beneath his feet before he could react and he landed in a untidy heap on the floor. "Oww…" He looked up in annoyance, then around at the darkness. "I wonder what this is…?" he said aloud.

He soon found out. A hissing sound came from his right and he swivelled his head slowly. "AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH! SNAAAAAAAAKE! HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPP!"

"You! You're alive!" Kodachi cried in surprise, before quickly covering up her slip. "Those berries worked then?"

Ryoga-chan scratched her head. "I… I guess so."

Kodachi fumed with anger as Kuno escorted the girl down the corridor towards the library. Then she smiled. "Well, I'll definitely be having fun on Halloween. But nobody said I couldn't torment him now…"

Meanwhile, Kuno led Ryoga-chan into the library and stood in front of a bookcase. "Watch." Reaching out, he tugged at the book labelled 'Greed.' Instantly, the bookcase swivelled around and they found themselves in the same small room we cruelly left Shampoo and Mihoshi in. With an enigmatic smile on his face, Kuno reached up and tugged one of the handles. However, instead of being yanked up like Shampoo and Mihoshi were, the bottom dropped out from underneath them and they hurtled down a helter-skelter at top speed. "This way, my love," Kuno proclaimed, somehow managing to have escaped being bundled into a little heap on the floor at the bottom of the slide.

"Where are we going?" Ryoga-chan asked with more than a little suspicion.

"To the deepest Kuno vaults," Kuno said cheerfully, helping her onto a gondola. "Be careful, my love. This underground lake is a hot spring."

"Oh joy," Ryoga-chan said sarcastically, grimly holding onto the sides of the boat. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

Bobbing his head along to cheesy Italian music, Kuno continued to talk as he manoeuvred the boat across the lake. "Do be careful of the stalactites. Some of them hang quite low."

Ryoga-chan rubbed her head and smiled tightly. "I noticed."

"I am sure you will enjoy looking at the jewels in this vault, although none of them can compare to your own delightful beauty. There are many artefacts which you would not see in any museum and many are believed to be magical," Kuno continued. "Ah, here we are."

"Yay! I made it without falling in!" Ryoga-chan squealed, jumping for joy. Instantly, the boat capsized, sending her pitching into the water!

End Part IV

PART V

Gender Bender

Oh man, I'm really in hot water this time, Ryoga thought to himself, wincing a little at the unintentional pun. Survival instincts took over, telling him he'd better get the hell out of there before Kuno tried to rescue his 'beloved bandannaed goddess.' Swimming around, he prayed he was heading anywhere except in the direction of Tatewaki Kuno. Finally, he located solid ground and pulled himself out, thankfully inhaling lung bucketful's of life giving air…

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRIPPPP

Oops. He looked guiltily at the tattered remains of the jeans and tee-shirt, far too small for him now and prayed again that nobody would catch him before he found some cold water.

"My darling! Where hast thou daparted to? Is this the work of evil sorcery?"

The voice floated down the caves to him and Ryoga grinned ruefully. Could be, could be. Now, where's some cold water? He tip-toed carefully forward…

CRASHSPLASH

Kuno leapt into the water. "Bandannaed girl! Speak to me!" he cried, glomping the person in the water. Hmm… I don't remember her being so big… or so flat chested… "What man art thou!" he growled, heaving Ryoga out of the water.

"Uh… hi, Kuno. Fancy meeting you here!"

"!" Kuno tried to work out what was going on… and instantly leapt to the completely incorrect conclusion. "What did you do to her! And what the hell are you DOING in here!" he roared, so angry that all poetic language had fled his tiny brain.

"Would you believe I got lost?" Ryoga said hopefully, trying to squirm free.

"DIE, CRETIN!" And with those words, Kuno dunked the other boy.

Not wanting to try an impression of the boys in the Standpipe (Steven King, IT) Ryoga sank his teeth into Kuno's leg and swam free. "Yuk. Good thing I had a tetanus shot, " he grumbled, pulling himself out of the lake and reducing his clothing to even further shreds. "See ya, Kuno!" he called over his shoulder before bakusai tenketsu-ing the wall.

Kuno dragged himself out of the water and rubbed his aching leg. "Come back and face the wrath of Tatewaki Kuno, fiend!" he called down the tunnel. "Or I'm coming in after you."

No answer. Kuno scowled. "Right. That's it." Bokken held aloft, he charged down the tunnel, an impressive figure until he tripped over three steps later.

"Oh, Kuno! Did I trip you?"

That voice… Kuno jumped to his feet. "My love!"

GLOMP

"Oh my love, my darling, I feared you had but been lost forever in these catacombs!" Kuno sobbed.

"Ak!" Ryoga-chan struggled for breath. "Need… air…"

Kuno didn't seem to notice the girl's face turning a rather vivid shade of blue. "Forgive my exuberance, I would but rather die than let harm befall you!"

"Great!" Ryoga-chan shifted slightly. "Then… let… me… GO!" she finished, delivering Kuno a swift knee in the groin. A high pitched whine escaped Kuno's throat and his eyes bugged out, before he slowly folded up on the floor. Ryoga-chan winced, but couldn't dampen down the satisfaction she felt. She quickly turned up the sweetness and light act. "Oh Kuno-sempai! Did I hurt you?" she gushed, kneeling down and slapping him several times. Kuno opened and closed his mouth a few times, emitting a few peculiar squeaks and Ryoga-chan almost began to feel a little guilty. "Hey. I didn't really hurt you did I?"

"Ak." Kuno swallowed and tried again. "It… would take… more than one… strike to… fell the Great Tatewaki Kuno!" he wheezed, slowly unravelling.

"Good. So show me these jewels then," Ryoga-chan prompted unsubtly.

"We already try that one."

"O-kaaaaaay then… how about this one?"

"NO! We try this one."

"But-"

CLANKWHEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

"Waugh! Not again! I hate this!"

"Shampoo think this kind of fun, actually!"

"Hello? Hello? Is there anybody down here? Anybody?"

Ryoga-chan was impressed. "This is neat!" she wowed, holding up yet another highly ornate and stupidly expensive brooch and gazing in wonder at a small pile of necklaces that alone were worth more than Bill Gate's daily income.

"That small piece is called the 'Angel's Tears'" Kuno informed her, squinting through still-watering eyes. He held up a clouded-glass yacht. "This is 'Le Reve-Bateau.' That means-"

"Dream boat. Yes I know." Ryoga-chan scowled slightly. "I'm not totally devoid of sense."

"I would but never insinuate such a thing!" Kuno protested.

Ryoga-chan nodded absently. Although she would've loved to look at all the amazing things on display, she decided it was time to get down to business. "I don't suppose you have a jewel called 'The Blue Butterfly?'" she asked sweetly. "I heard someone say you had it and I'd really love to see it."

"Of course. I shall fetch it for you at once," Kuno promised, scuttling away.

Ryoga-chan grinned and rubbed her hands together. "Hehehehe… sucker! I can't believe this gu-"

She halted in mid gloat as a strangely sweet scent of perfume filled the air. Slowly, she looked over her shoulder. "Hello?" she said cautiously, all senses on alert. A moment later, she almost jumped out of her skin as a light touch descended upon her shoulders. However, it was a touch of motherly reassurance… at first. Then the sweet smell became heavier. It seemed to swirl in the air, making the small girl dizzy. She started to cough, then tried to pull away from a grip that tightened around her neck as she struggled.

"Let me GO!" Ryoga-chan cried, striking out at empty air. The grip tightened viciously around her throat. With a rising feeling of panic, she tried to remember some of the new techniques she'd discovered, but they flitted down into some dark corner of her mind, pushing past all the old memories, some good, some bad, some long forgotten and covered in cobwebs of time.

A sudden calmness flooded through her. I'm going to die. Absently, she wondered if she'd turn back into a boy when it happened, or would she become an angel? Maybe I'll see daddy. And Aiko. And now she wanted it to happen. It seemed quite a welcome prospect, death. No more curse. No more guilt about letting Aiko die and deceiving Akane for so long. No more being second to Ranma. No more making Ukyo unhappy.

No more Urd, Skuld and Shampoo. No Akane. No Maika and Miyu, Mihoshi and Ryoko, Washu and Hinako. And no more Ukyo. Ukyo-KUN. Sure, maybe she did drive Ukyo batty. Maybe she was a huge annoyance in the other girl's life and couldn't do anything right. But if she died, maybe Ukyo would be stuck like that forever. And she couldn't let her down, she just couldn't!

With that thought, she grimly fought back the invading clouds of unconsciousness. "Shi… Shi…" The unseen presence jerked away sharply as Ryoga-chan began to glow a bright green. Feeling the grip disappear from her throat, she grinned weakly. "…hokodan…" she finished.

End Part V

PART VI

Man! I Feel Like a Woman!

Ukyo-kun scowled as another sea bass (mutated, of course) swam past, leaping out of the water and snapping viciously at him like a bad-tempered Jack Russell. "This place sucks!" he griped, tripping over a tree root for the fourth time. Although he and his female self had wildly different personalities, this was one thing they both would've agreed on. Wholeheartedly. "Man, I wish there was some way out of here-"

CLICK

Ukyo-kun looked down at the nothing below him, in that strange Wile Coyote way, before gravity remembered it does exist in Nerima. "AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………"

Down in the bowels of Kuno Kingdom, it's lord and master (dream on) glanced up from the highly important task of valiantly carrying the unconscious dark-haired girl in his arms to some place more comfortable. Must be my twisted sister, trying to find another weird jewel to curse dinner with, The though dissipated as quickly as it arrived: Kodachi was always doing peculiar things with jewellery - usually coupled with naked chanting, he'd found out one day after going to call her for dinner.

A figure bounced off the landing mattress a few feet away from where Kuno was standing and he could tell instantly from the way they looked… sort of plonked, that whoever it was, was unaccustomed to the landing gear. Curiously, he walked over to them. "Miss Kuonji?"

Ukyo-kun shook his head to clear away the dizziness and focused his gaze on Kuno. "Kuno! Great to see you!" He hopped to his feet, a beaming smile on his face. "Can you show me the way out of this place?"

Kuno pondered this request with great thought. His beloved goddess was out cold, and by the look of it would be for some time. And didn't the Kuonji girl live with her? "Very well then. I will show you out…"

"Great!"

"ON one condition," Kuno finished. He indicated the girl in his grasp. "I feel she would be in more comfort in the surroundings of her own home. Would you please watch over her and tell her I'm sorry she didn't stay longer?"

"Awww!" Ukyo-kun pouted. He gave a small sigh. "Oh, I suppose so."

For some reason, the remnants of the Shi-Shi Hokodan induced blackout involved white rabbits, pocket watches and large, fat, wobbly women screaming "Off with his Vital Appendages!" Blinking quickly, Ryoga-chan sat up a mite too fast and rubbed her eyes blearily. "Ooh… stars."

"Awake, I see," Ukyo-kun commented dryly from his seat in the corner of the room. "Nice nap?"

"Where am I?" Ryoga-chan asked instinctively.

Ukyo-kun looked around the highly familiar restaurant interior. "Gee, Einstein, I don't know. What's your opinion!"

"Why am I here? Why aren't I at the Kuno Mansion?"

"What is this, twenty questions!" Ukyo-kun crossed his arms and scowled. "Kuno told me to look after you because he thought you'd be comfortable in familiar surroundings. What beats me is why you'd even want to go there in the first place."

Ryoga-chan waved a hand absently. "Details, details. Now, don't you go anywhere!"

"Why, where are you- HEY!" the boy yelped in surprise as she vanished through the convenient mirror hanging over the mantelpiece. "Oooh… I WILL find out what you're plotting, you- you- female impersonator!"

Damn you Kuno! Ryoga-chan cursed to herself, hunting for the eldest Kuno sibling. The one time I don't wanna get rid of you, you get rid of me! She turned a corner, still projecting evil vibes towards Kuno, Shampoo, Mihoshi, Ukyo-kun, Ranma and everybody else who seemed to have made it their mission in life to get on her nerves as much as possible. A dark shadow stepped in front of her. "AAAA!"

"AAAA!" Kuno screamed in response. "Bandannaed girl! What-"

THUNK

"Urk…" he finished, peeling his face off his darling's fist.

"What the hell are you playing at! I ask for one simple thing, the Blue-" Ryoga-chan caught herself in mid-rant and quickly corrected it: "I mean, a tour of your treasure vaults, and you blow me off!" She crossed her arms and glared at him. "I thought you WANTED me to spend a day with you! But I guess you feel differently," she added, subtly changing tactics. "OK then. I'll go. This is me, leaving now-"

"Nooo! My darling!" Kuno anchored himself to her foot, barely slowing her down. "Forgive me! I'll do anything, grant whatever wish you desire! Just don't go!"

Sucker! Ryoga-chan smiled sweetly at him. "I believe you were going to show me the Blue Butterfly?"

Kuno nodded. "Follow me." After walking briskly through passages that made a labyrinth look like a roman road, he stopped in front of a door. "After you left, I placed the Blue Butterfly in here for safe keeping-"

"ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A STICK-UP!" bellowed a female voice and Mihoshi bounced out into the middle of the corridor, wearing a mixture between the Kuno family's old samurai armour and her galaxy police uniform and pointing her laser pistol at a spot between Kuno's eyes. "Nobody MOVE!"

Like a large jack-in-the-box, Shampoo rose behind Kuno and promptly knocked him for six with a bonbori. "Ha! We get butterfly now, OK?" she suggested cheerfully, applying the Amazon patented 'I don't need a key, I don't need a door, I've got a stupidly big weapon' wall bashing technique on the wall.

Ryoga-chan stepped into the room and glanced around. "Maybe it would've been idea to wait until he found it before clubbing him?" she observed dryly, indicating the large piles of assorted magical junk cluttering up the room.

Mihoshi's eye's welled up. "Y-you mean after all this, we still don't have the Blue Butterfly?" She burst into floods of tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'll NEVER be a captain at this rate!"

"What!"

Oops! "Uh… captain of a Search and Rescue team," Mihoshi grinned, trying to cover up her slip. "It's been my dream ever since I was little."

"Don't worry. We'll find it," Ryoga-chan said firmly. We HAVE to find it. We just have to! She stared around the room. But where do we start?"

Neither of them paid much heed to Shampoo, who was carefully examining various jewellery boxes. "Shampoo find something!" she said sharply.

"What! What!"

"Is brooch to make person tell truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," the purple-haired amazon quoted, reading carefully from the box label. Mihoshi and Ryoga-chan hit the ground at right angles.

"Look, you little-" Mihoshi began threateningly.

Shampoo smiled sweetly and held up another box. "And this say 'The Legendary and indeed most powerful Blue Butterfly, prized possession of Family Kuno. Do not touch.' You think could be it?"

"Give me that," Ryoga-chan said crossly, snatching it away. She opened the box. "Oh wow…" she breathed quietly, gazing at the beautifully crafted gemstone. The other two girls craned their heads over her shoulder to try and catch a glimpse of it. "OK, let's go," Ryoga-chan finally said, snapping the lid shut and striding over towards the door.

"Halt!" barked a highly familiar voice. The three of them skidded to a halt in front of the imposing figure of Tatewaki Kuno, who fixed them all with his best glare. "I simply cannot stand by and permit this theft!"

"You were unconscious," Mihoshi pointed out, receiving a swift elbow in the ribs from Shampoo which clearly told her in the universal language of pain to keep her trap shut.

Kuno rambled on regardless. "Is it not bad enough that you kidnap this beauteous flower of the desert, that you feel you have to desecrate these most sacred treasures!" He shook his head sadly. "I must teach thou a lesson. Prepare yourselves!"

"But-" Ryoga-chan began.

Shampoo pushed her aside. "What make you think we not just beat you again?" she asked furiously, violet eyes flashing with energy. Mihoshi nodded in agreement, her hand automatically going to her gun holster.

"Well, this actually," Kuno admitted, yanking on a cord. There was a loud creaking noise.

With a sense of foreboding, the girls looked up just in time to see a very large stone began it's short but swift journey to the top of their skulls.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Shampoo.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Mihoshi agreed.

"BAKUSAI TENKETSU!"

When the dust cleared, Shampoo slowly opened her eyes. "W-where Butterfly?"

"I think Kuno grabbed it," Ryoga-chan said shakily.

"And you didn't stop him!" Mihoshi hissed."

"Excuse me, I was trying to save our lives!"

"I must ask you to leave these premises," Kuno said sternly, stepping in front of them. In one hand he held the box containing the Blue Butterfly and in the other hand, he held a short, curved sword that glowed jet black. "If you attempt to thwart the almighty powers of the great and noble Tatewaki Kuno, I will be forced to smite thee. And yes, this is indeed a magic sword."

"But I-I…" Ryoga-chan stuttered hopelessly. After all this, after they'd gotten this far, Kuno was going to kick them out? He couldn't! "Upperclassman, please!" she wailed.

The hard glare on Kuno's face softened a bit. "What is the matter, koibito?"

Koibito! Bleugh! Ignoring the title, she gave Kuno her most tearful, pleading and vulnerable look. "You don't understand. I NEED the Blue Butterfly, just for tonight. It's URGENT! It's a matter of life and death!" she exaggerated a little.

Kuno shrugged. "Had you but simply asked…" he trailed off.

Ryoga-chan looked shell shocked. "Huh?"

Mihoshi and Shampoo exchanged a look. "You mean… all she had to do…" Mihoshi said slowly.

"…Was ask?" Shampoo finished.

"You're going to let me borrow it!" Ryoga-chan cried in glee.

Kuno nodded. "How could I resist a request from one so fair? All I ask it that you return it to me tomorrow." He handed the box over. "But I feel, with great regret, that I really must ask you to depart. My insane father will return soon and I would not wish to subject you to his presence."

As he spoke, he briskly escorted the stunned trio to the exit. As soon as they left, Mihoshi and Shampoo turned slowly and glared at Ryoga-chan, who was too busy feeling chuffed with herself to notice it. "Isn't that incredible!"

Mihoshi nodded stonily. "What's even more incredible is that we went through hell and back with Kodachi cackling madly behind us with a green thing that creeped when you could've just asked him for it at any time."

Shampoo matched her glare. "Man who lead on Amazon womans go to very bad place."

A sinking feeling crept up on Ryoga-chan and she began to feel rather like the golf club that'd slipped out of her hands and fallen in the lake the last time her father had tried to bond with her. "H-hey, how was I supposed to know-"

"Not you, HIM!" Mihoshi pointed out.

"He die now!" Shampoo agreed. The two of them ran back and pushed at the gate.

ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAK

Ryoga-chan sweatdropped. "Once locked, there's a 25000 kilowatt voltage flowing through those gates." There was a short silence. "For security," she added.

"Shampoo… hate… all… Kuno's…"

"Ukyo!"

WHAM

"Sorry. Accident," Ukyo-kun apologised, lifting the table off Ryoga's head. His apologetic look vanished when he saw who it was. "What do YOU want?"

"For someone who's supposed to be an opposite of Ukyo, he's awfully violent," Skuld muttered to Urd.

Urd shrugged. "You saw what happened to Sudaru. His personality warped majorly in the end." She stepped forward. "It's OK, Ukyo. We can turn you back."

Ukyo-kun looked confused. "Turn me back into what?"

"Into a girl, of course!" Skuld pointed out.

Ukyo-kun backed away. "No way! No way are you turning me into a girl! I'm a guy and I'm staying a guy!"

"I knew this wasn't going to be easy," Urd grumbled. She raised her hands. "Don't move an inch."

Much to Ukyo-kun's surprise, he found himself unable to move his limbs. "Hey! This isn't fair, I don't wanna be a girl! I've got rights-"

Ignoring his protests, Skuld switched on her "Okonomiyaki Gender Swop mark III" and pointed it at him. A brilliant blue glow filled the room, glowing brighter and brighter until finally, it imploded.

Ryoga squinted in the afterglow. "Ukyo…" He tried to make out the figure of the person stood in front of him, but the vivid light had made the room seem a lot darker. "Uh… are you a girl again?" he enquired, for lack of a better answer.

The familiar feel of steel on skull met his head. "And what else would I be!" Ukyo snapped.

"Oh yeah, she's definitely back," Urd commented. And I'm going to go away now before she remembers what I did to her.

"And that's why you shouldn't meddle," Skuld said to the empty spot beside her. "Urd? Hey, Urd! Get back here!"

Ryoga bit his lower lip. I guess she doesn't forgive me anymore now she's back to normal. "I-I guess I'll be going too," he said in a small voice. "See ya."

Ukyo clutched the back of his shirt. "Wait!"

A small ray of hope set up home in the pit of his stomach. "W-what?" he asked nervously.

"Please tell me the past few hours were a really bad dream," Ukyo pleaded.

The small ray of hope suddenly took into consideration the marvellous perks there were in moving to Tennessee and packed up. "Yeah. It was a dream, turning into a guy," he confirmed.

Ukyo looked stricken. "If you tell anyone, I'll kill you."

What, again? Ryoga nodded. "OK. Bye." He turned to leave again.

Ukyo stared at the floor. "Ryoga?"

"…Yes?" he responded, glancing over his shoulder.

Ukyo kept her gaze firmly locked on the floor. "I… I just wanted to say…" She paused and a slight blush crawled across her nose. "To say… thanks. For going into Kuno mansion and dressing up like a girl and getting the Blue Butterfly…" She trailed off. "Uh, thank you. Really."

Ryoga nodded slowly. "Um… you're welcome." He lingered in the doorway for a moment, before finally vanishing through the mirror on the wall.

Ukyo glanced up and sighed dismally. "I just wanted to say I forgive you. But I guess it's too late now."

End Part VI

PART VII

Keiko.

"Order up for table twelve!"

Two heads turned, uttering simultaneous cries of "It's mine!"

Ukyo winced as Ryoko and Ayeka crashed into each other, leaving the okonomiyaki to splatter to a small, messy splodge on the floor. Briefly, she wondered what had possessed her to hire the two girls. Almost as if hearing her thoughts, a large group of teenaged boys entered, answering the question. She grinned brightly. "Welcome to Ucchan's okonomiyaki, can you take a seat and someone will be with you in a moment to take your order!" Inwardly she groaned. Ryoko and Ayeka never missed an opportunity to try and prove how much more desirable she was than the other one.

Truth was, she needed a waitress. A waitress who didn't try to kill the other waitress with a laser sword or flying logs or simply by clawing at each others hair. A waitress who didn't compete madly to see who could serve the most okonomiyaki, destroying half of them and running up a huge bill in written-off lunches. And at this very moment in time, a waitress who didn't spend half an hour chatting to the male customers and ignoring the woman in the corner who was trying to settle a small blond kid while at the same time, still managing to look pointedly at her watch and 'hrumph' loudly…

"Excuse me?"

Ukyo blinked and focused on the pint sized figure in front of her. "Hi. Can I help you?"

The tiny brunette nodded solemnly. She pointed to the irate woman. "Mummy asked me to tell you her order so you can do it before we have to take my sister Michiko to the dentist."

"Sure, that's fine," Ukyo confirmed, slightly embarrassed. "Whatcha want?"

"Two specials."

Ukyo frowned. "Just two? I can make small ones for you and your sister if you like-"

"Two is fine," the girl cut in. She waited patiently until the first was finished, then picked it up and gazed at it adoringly. "Thank you."

"No problem," Ukyo chirped, setting to work on the second. With expert instinct, she poured, flipped and glanced up to hand the girl the okonomiyaki…

There was no one there. Puzzled, she looked around. She must've gone to the toilet or something, she decided, shrugging her shoulders. Picking up the order, she took it over to the lady in the corner. "Sorry 'bout that. I thought your daughter was going to wait for it," she explained.

"Daughter?" repeated the lady. She shook her head. "She hasn't moved from this spot - a miracle, as far as I'm concerned. Yuki-chan, would you PLEASE sit still!" she exclaimed. She smiled weakly at Ukyo. "Sorry to be such a grouch. Would it be possible to take our order now? I need to get to the train station before eleven."

"But you- she said-" Ukyo stopped talking for a moment and her expression darkened. An okonomiyaki thief.

Skuld bounced in front of the sitting room mirror, holding a hairbrush to her mouth, singing loudly and highly out of tune, even pausing every now and then to actually take a swipe at her hair with it.

"Must you do that?"

With a small squeal, Skuld dropped the brush and jumped around. "You scared me!" she accused, waving her index finger at Ryoga. "I thought you were going back to school."

"No, I'm going back to bed," Ryoga confirmed. "It's just, I'd prefer not to be serenaded."

"Your cold's better, you really should go," Skuld advised.

Ryoga shook his head wildly. "No chance! I'm not going back until I'm sure they've thought of something else to talk about other than Friday night." He glanced at the clock. "In which case, I'll be going back…. Around about the year 2034. Wake me then," he called over his shoulder.

"This is nuts," Skuld muttered to herself, turning back to the mirror.

"I agree." Skuld jumped once again in shock as Urd jumped out the TV set. She shook her head sadly. "I can't believe a sister of mine is actually singing to a hairbrush."

"I meant about Ryoga and Ukyo- I mean school!" Skuld snapped back.

Urd grinned. "I knew it! You want them back together again too!"

"NO!" Skuld protested. "I want Ukyo's cooking again! Ryoga tries, but his cooking's not a patch on Belldandy's or Ukyo's!"

Urd nodded knowingly. "Whatever. How about we go home for some of Belldandy's cooking then?" she suggested, leading her little sister into the corridor. And I can pick up some supplies.

"Wellll… all right then," Skuld caved, pulling open the front door.

The kid on the doorstep halted in mid tiptoe, a key hovering in mid air just below where the keyhole would've been if the door was shut. The two parties stared at each other for a long moment.

"Can… we help you?" Urd said finally, gingerly poking the kid on the nose.

Urd just had time to register the thoughtful expression on the girl's face, before sharp teeth munched her extended digit. "AAAAAAA&AAAAAA$AAAAAAAAAAA!"

Skuld leapt forward to grab her, but the girl easily sidestepped and ducked under her, before administering a surprisingly hard kick to Skuld's backside. The young goddess teetered precariously before crashing into her elder sibling, who was still screaming blue murder. The two crashed into an untidy heap on the garden path as the door slammed shut behind them.

"I'll get you for that, you little monster!" Urd shrieked, leaping to her feet and hammering on the door. A small tongue rasberried through the letterbox before disappearing, which only served to fuel Urd's anger. "OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Inside, with a great show of reluctance, Ryoga dragged himself down the stairs. "All right, all right!" he called irritably. What do I have to do to get some sleep around here! He stopped short and gaped at the small figure mushing her face against the glass in the door. "W-w-w-!"

The girl jumped around, startled and jumped into a standard fighting position. "Who are you?"

Ryoga blinked. "I live here," he pointed out. "Who are you?"

A broad grin jumped onto her face. "My name's Keiko Hibiki… big brother."

Urd sent Keiko a look of immense distrust, making a big show of applying disinfectant to her wounded finger. Keiko didn't (or pretended not to) see, instead occupying herself with a Disco Moves Barbie whilst chattering away madly to her elder sibling. "I don't trust that brat," she muttered to Skuld.

Skuld sighed. "Urd, I checked her, she's clean, she's the real McCoy. So stop worrying."

"…but then mummy went to get a taxi and she didn't come back, so I decided to try and find my way home on my own 'cause I wanted to meet you and daddy so bad 'cause I figure you owe me seven years of birthday presents and I'd better start catching up now," Keiko explained, noisily slurping her hot chocolate.

"Well…" Ryoga scratched his head. "See, I didn't really know I had a little sister till a little while ago. And I don't think dad knows either. Last time he phoned, he said he didn't think I had a sister."

Keiko pulled a face. "He prob'ly thinks I'm a boy!" she grimaced. Her face brightened again. "So where's my room 'n stuff? Or hasn't mummy got back yet to decorate it?"

"I think the second one," Ryoga said quickly, seeing Urd and Skuld open their mouths to object. "But you can share my room."

Keiko bounced to her feet. "Great! Where's it?"

"Um…"

"Upstairs, third on the left," Skuld directed.

"Where's left?"

"Opposite right," Urd muttered. Keiko nodded and raced out the room.

Ryoga shook his head. "I have a sister," he mumbled, sounding dazed.

"And she's a hyperactive, talkative bundle of trouble too," Urd added. "Just like a little sister. Ow!"

"You deserved it," Skuld said crossly. "I think she seems quite sweet."

"She's a monster!" Urd disagreed. "A cannibalistic monster!"

"Just because she thought we were breaking into the house-"

"That was no reason to-"

"Would you both SHUT UP!" Ryoga said sharply. The two goddesses stopped in mid-rant and meekly turned to face him. He took a deep breath and continued. "I really don't care if you like her or not, but she's my sister and she has every right to be here. And if you two are going to go home to see your own sister, could you let me get to know mine?"

Skuld and Urd gazed at their shoes. "Sorry. We'll go," Urd muttered shamefully.

Keiko's voice floated down the stairs. "I can't find left!"

"Nobody move! Or I'll pump your guts full 'o lead!" Keiko waved the water pistol at the teddy and made Barbie pose threateningly. "I want all your money so I can buy a new wardrobe, so hand it over!"

Teddy's reply was drowned out by a loud knocking at the door. Ryoga poked his head around the kitchen door. "Can you get that, Keiko-chan?"

"OK," Keiko called, jumping to her feet. After a few wrong turns, she ended up in front of the door. "Hang on," she called, standing on tip-toe to try and reach the latch. Finally the door swung open.

For a few moments, there was silence as Shampoo and Keiko stared at each other. "Is you!" Shampoo cried, stepping forward. Keiko darted back inside and slammed the door shut. "Let me in!" Shampoo yelled, hammering on the door.

Ryoga stepped into the corridor. "Who is it?"

"Nobody," Keiko lied, flattening herself against the door. "Double glazing."

Ryoga looked highly doubtful as the door vibrated again with impact. "Let me see." With a large amount of reluctance, Keiko stepped aside and the door swung open. "Oh."

WHAM

Shampoo looked slightly concerned as she realised she'd hit the wrong person, but the concern quickly faded. "Where girl?" she snapped.

Keiko jumped out from her hiding place behind Ryoga and savagely kicked Shampoo on the right shin. "Don't hit my big brother!"

"OW!" Shampoo hopped up and down in Keiko's general direction. "Brat! I KILL!" she howled, shoving Ryoga aside and dropping a wrapped parcel on the floor. Keiko shrieked and ran away, the enraged amazon in hot pursuit.

After a moment, Ryoga followed, shaking his head in bemusement. Pausing to place Shampoo's discarded parcel on the kitchen table, he watched her chase Keiko in circles around the table. On the next circuit, he stuck his foot out, sending Shampoo flying. "Enough! What's all this about!"

Keiko screeched to a halt and gazed at her brother with wide eyes. Shampoo stood up, her eyes blazing with fury. "Why you…"

Ryoga backed away. "You attack me and I'll have to fight back! And you want to marry Tsubasa, don't you?"

Seeing the logic in that statement, Shampoo deflated and sunk into the one of the chairs around the table. "SHE," she began accusingly, pointing her finger at Keiko, "that girl there thief!"

"No I'm not!" Keiko protested.

"You is!" Shampoo retaliated. "You steal food from my restaurant!"

Ryoga looked from one girl to the other. Shampoo was glaring at Keiko and Keiko was glaring at the floor. "Keiko-chan, is that true?" he asked quietly, kneeling down in front of her. Keiko refused to look at him. "Keiko-chan?"

Keiko scuffed her foot against the floor. "Wellllllll… maybe just a little…" she mumbled. "But it wasn't stealing!" she blurted.

"You leave without paying, Shampoo think that stealing," Shampoo said curtly, tapping a spoon against the table.

"Nobody asked you," Keiko snapped.

"Hey, hey!" Ryoga motioned to Shampoo to keep quiet, which she did so grudgingly. "What do you mean, it wasn't stealing?"

Keiko looked at the floor again in embarrassment. "Well, when I was with mummy, she said if I ever ran out of money and really needed food, I was allowed to do it. And usually if I'm hungry, I find a school or a playground and say 'who's the strongest one here?' and they say 'Benny,' or whoever and I say 'I bet you all 150 yen I can beat him' and they say 'you're on' and I usually win enough to get a meal or two but I couldn't find anywhere so I just took the food." Her lower lip quivered. "Please don't be mad at me," she pleaded.

"I'm not mad at you," Ryoga said soothingly. "But you mustn't do it anymore," he added in a far sterner voice. "It's wrong to steal, do you understand?"

Keiko nodded slowly. "Uh-huh."

"So you go play with Barbie while I talk to Shampoo, OK?" he suggested in a more cheerful tone. He waited until she'd gone before turning back to the amazon. "I'll pay you back. How much did it cost?" he asked quietly.

Shampoo waved her hand. "No worries, is OK." She picked up the parcel. "Is what you ask for come today."

Ryoga's eyes lit up. "Great! Everything's there?"

"Uh-huh." Shampoo frowned. "No see what you want with one time use spring of drowned fish powder though."

"I must be nuts," Ukyo berated herself sternly, standing on the doorstep of the Hibiki house. "I should just turn around now and walk away." She knocked on the door, mentally running through her excuses until the door opened. "…" Ukyo began. Her gaze travelled down until it rested on the small girl standing there gazing up at her. "You!"

Once again, Keiko slammed the door shut, her back pressed firmly against it as blows hammered down against the wood. "Open this door, you good-for-nothing little brat!"

Ryoga stepped into the corridor, holding teddy in one hand. "Who's that?"

"Encyclopaedia salesman," Keiko said firmly. "They'll go away in a minute."

Ryoga sighed. "I'll get it then." Keiko scampered away gratefully. Ryoga glanced after her for a second before opening the door. "H-"

POW

"Oops. Sorry," Ukyo apologised, quickly hiding her hands behind her back.

"?Wha- wha- what are YOU doing here!" Ryoga rubbed his nose which had taken the full force of Ukyo's punch and blinked at her in shock. A moment later he remembered teddy and quickly hid the stuffed animal behind his back, a deep blush covering his face. "D-do you want to come in?"

"Yes please," Ukyo growled, reaching for her spatula and storming past him. Where is that little worm hiding!

Keiko peeped around the doorframe with large, fearful eyes. Ukyo spotted her immediately and strode towards her. "Eep!"

"Oh yes, eep!" Ukyo snarled. "NOBODY tricks me, d'you hear!" She raised the spatula above her head… only to be tackled from behind. "Yeek!"

Still holding the angry chef around the waist, Ryoga forcefully removed the spatula from her hand. "Keiko-chan," he began sternly, "You didn't happen to steal any okonomiyaki as well, did you?"

"Just one," Keiko said defensively. "I was hungry. And anyway, it was soggy," she added.

"How DARE you criticise my cooking!" Ukyo snarled, struggling vainly in Ryoga's grip, before trying a different tactic. Ryoga yelped as she stomped on his foot, his grip relaxing momentarily. Ukyo finished with a swift elbow to the midsection and leapt forward.

But now, instead of being scared, Keiko was furious. "Don't hurt my brother, you ugly old cow!" she yelled, delivering a series of punches to Ukyo's stomach.

Winded, Ukyo quickly realised that as Ryoga's little sister, the child was blessed with the same abnormal strength as he was. Strong arms caught her before she could collapse and she wheezed for breath, tears filling her eyes. "Keiko, could you leave us alone for a moment," Ryoga said seriously.

"But she-" Keiko began.

"Keiko…" Ryoga said warningly.

Her mouth drawing into a little pout, Keiko glared sullenly at her brother. "Fine," she snapped, storming out of the room. The door slammed behind her, almost falling off it's hinges.

Ryoga let out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah…" Ukyo gasped, blinking away the tears. Suddenly realising where she was, she pulled away and after a moment, sat down on the sofa. "Uh…"

Hesitating slightly, Ryoga sat down on the other side of the sofa, putting as much space between them as possible. "I… I'm sorry about Keiko-chan… if you want, I'll pay for that okonomiyaki," he began.

Ukyo scowled. "I can't believe she hit me!" She sent her fiercest glare at him. "Didn't anyone ever tell her it's wrong to steal?"

"Nope," Ryoga responded. "My dad raised me for the first few years of my life and taught me how to hunt and fish and stuff, but Keiko was raised by mum until about four years ago and apparently, mum has decided it's OK for her to steal food if she's desperate. Or to challenge kids for money to pay for it"

Ukyo was silent for a moment. "Are you sure you can cope with a child like that?" she asked curiously.

Ryoga glared at her. "What do you mean by that! I can cope fine!"

"Oh come on, Ryoga!" Ukyo burst out. "All I meant was she might be a bit too much to handle! After all, she lies, she steals and she beats up other kids for money… she's a juvenile delinquent!"

"She is not!" Ryoga protested. He crossed his arms and glared at her. "And anyway, did you come here for a specific reason or just to mouth off my little sister!"

Ukyo bit back a sharp retort. "I came by to ask when you were coming back to school and to work. I've hired temporary help, but they're not very good."

Ryoga looked shocked. "I thought I was fired."

Now it was Ukyo's turn to look shocked. "Why would I fire you?"

"You said you never wanted to see or hear from me again - I figure that pretty much bars me from the restaurant AND school!" Ryoga snapped.

Ukyo stared at her hands. "I… I guess I over-reacted a little…"

"I'll say," Ryoga muttered under his breath.

Ukyo leaned over and smacked him on the head. "Very funny. I'm trying to apologise!" Ryoga bit back a very tempting retort about it not seeming like much of an apology and instead replaced it with silence. Ukyo continued slowly. "Ranma spoke to me today. He told me the challenge was all his idea and that you were honour-bound to keep it a secret and I shouldn't really blame you so much for it. So…" Her face reddened and her words sped up. "I wanted to say I'msorryIover-reacted and willyouworkformeagain?"

"Huh!"

Ukyo scowled. "I SAID I'm sorry I over-reacted and will you work for me again. I mean, you still owe Mr Tendo lots of money and you'll have to feed that brat too."

"She's not a brat," Ryoga protested. His face grew thoughtful. "But you're right. Keiko needs new clothes and stuff."

"Great! See you tomorrow?" Ukyo grinned, hopping to her feet.

"See you tomorrow," Ryoga confirmed.

Smiling lightly to herself, Ukyo walked towards the front door, oblivious to the angry green eyes watching her. I've just got my brother back and there's no way I'm going to let you take him away from me, Keiko thought fiercely. No way on earth.

End Part VII

PART IIX

Child's Play.

"But I don't want you to go!"

Keiko's stricken wail echoed through the house and she latched herself tighter onto her brother's leg. Undeterred, he carried on walking around the kitchen. "You might want to let go when I start pouring the tea," Ryoga said mildly.

Keiko scowled and let go. "Why do you have to go to school anyway, Ryoga-chan? Can't you stay home with me? And I thought you had a cold!" she added accusingly.

"Keiko-chan, everyone has to go to school. Even you. I'm going to enrol you in an elementary school today, but until you start, Urd's promised to look after you," Ryoga explained gently. "Do you want Coco-Pops or Rice-Krispies?"

"I don't wanna go to school," Keiko pouted. "And Urd hates me."

"No I don't," Urd said mildly, munching on a piece of toast.

"You called me a cannibalistic monster and a hyperactive bundle of trouble," Keiko reminded her. "I want you to look after me, Ryoga-chan."

"I'm looking after you," Urd said sharply. "And Ryoga's going back to school." And you're going to co-operate if it kills you!

Ryoga looked at the clock and sighed. "I guess I'd better be going. See you later." Here goes nothing, he thought pessimistically, as he stepped out of the mirror.

"Ah, Ryoga! There you are!" Ranma cried, darting forward and pulling him away into an empty classroom. "Did Ukyo speak to you?"

"Yes…" Ryoga replied cautiously. "What did you say to her?"

Ranma winced and touched the side of his face. "I basically told her what I should've told her all along. I couldn't marry her so I was trying to find someone who could and that you were both pawns and it was no sense in blaming you."

"… You didn't actually think that up yourself, did you?" Ryoga asked, too shocked to actually hit him.

"Nah. Nabiki thought of it," Ranma admitted.

"And how much did that speech cost you?"

Ranma frowned. "It's quite weird actually. I asked for her advice and she didn't ask for any money at all. I think she must be ill or something."

"…So did Ukyo hit you with her spatula or just her fist?" Ryoga asked with a slightly acid tone to his voice.

"Don't. I have nightmares," Ranma said seriously. "Come on, we'd better get to class."

Ryoga yawned as Hinako-chan explained past and present tense in the English language. After a moment, he closed his eyes.

Suicide.

"Is my lesson truly that boring to you, Hibiki?"

Ryoga's eyes snapped open at the irate voice of the diminutive teacher. "N-no! I'm sorry, sensei!"

Hinako-chan folded her arms. "Whatever it was that so obviously occupied your night, could you please not do it again and sleep at home as opposed to during my lessons?" she asked, reaching into her pocket. A few people sniggered. Ryoga almost asked what the point was as he seemed to spend most of her lessons out cold anyway, but wisely thought better of it.

"Boo!"

Ryoga yelped in fright, almost falling backwards off his chair as Keiko's head emerged from his textbook. "Keiko! W-w-w-w-"

"Neat, huh?" Keiko grinned. "Skuld taught me how to do it."

Ryoga tuned out somewhere around the word 'huh' and was looking over her shoulder at Hinako-chan. A funny feeling of deja-vu crept over him. "Uh… Hinako-sensei, I don't suppose there's any chance you work in a restaurant as well?"

Keiko half turned to look over her shoulder and her eyes widened in shock. "You!"

"HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!" Hinako-chan screamed, pulling the relevant coin out of her pocket. Instinctively, Ryoga grabbed Keiko under the shoulders and pulled her out of the textbook. This time the chair did fall over and the row of students behind them suddenly found all their strength leaving their bodies. All conscious eyes turned to the drama as Hinako kicked the desk aside and advanced on the fallen duo. "It's payback time, Keiko Hibiki," she snarled viciously.

The two siblings jumped to their feet. "Run away?" Keiko suggested.

Without replying straight away, Ryoga picked her up and ran. "Sounds good to me!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU DELINQUENTS!" Hinako roared, charging after them, her temper fuelled further by the sight of Keiko sticking her tongue out at her. "HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!"

Wincing, Ryoga skidded around the corner as the blast impact exploded against the wall behind them. Keiko paused her face pulling for a moment and twisted her face around to glance at him. "You never told me your teacher was Hinako Ninomiya," she said accusingly.

"You never told me she was your arch-nemesis!" Ryoga responded, skidding through a crowd of students, whose expletives quickly died as Hinako-chan pulled out yet another coin. "What's all this about, anyway?" he asked, jumping over a bucket. "Hinako doesn't have a restaurant."

"Y'know that school thing I told you about?" Keiko reminded him.

"Yeah? What about it?"

Keiko was silent for a moment. "Hinako would be a 'Benny'" she admitted.

"A what!" Ryoga asked incredulously, craning his neck to look at her. Unfortunately it meant his attention was diverted.

"Look out for the small lady!" Keiko yelped.

"The what!" Ryoga asked again, wishing she'd make sense.

"HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!" Hinako yelled, forcing the attack out.

The blast impacted into the ground inches behind the fleeing duo, sending them flying through the air. Ryoga just had time to realise who the small lady was before he landed on her. "Uh… Hi Miss Washu," he greeted her, laughing weakly.

Washu growled and pushed him off her. "I'd ask, but I'm not sure I wanna know."

Hinako-chan ran forward out of the smoke. "I'll discipline you both for this!"

"This isn't Ryoga-chan's fault!" Keiko retorted. "You leave him alone!"

Teacher and student winced as the two children leapt towards each other before starting a fight that seemed to consist mainly of screaming and tugging at each other's hair. After a moment's consideration, Ryoga stepped forward hesitantly, then lunged forward, grabbing an ear each. The shrieks of anger quickly became squawks of pain. "That's enough, both of you!" he scolded. "Hinako-sensei, you should know better! And Keiko-chan, I thought I told you to stay at home when I was at school!"

"But she-" they both began. Ryoga pinched their ears a little tighter. "OWWWOWOWOWOW!"

Keiko pulled free. "All right! I promise I won't come to school anymore!" With a parting raspberry at Hinako-chan, she quickly jumped into one of Washu's discarded books.

This time, stern looks were directed solely at Hinako-chan. "Is this why you've been so beastly to me all the time?" Ryoga growled menacingly. "Because she beat you?"

"You can't treat me like this - ow! Stop that!" Hinako-chan shrieked as the grip tightened again.

Washu shook her head sadly and stepped forward. "Both of you - principal's office."

Two surprised faces turned to face her. "What! But I didn't do anything!"

"I'm a teacher!"

"GO!" Washu roared, her head growing to about six times its normal size.

"This is all your fault, you know," Hinako-chan whispered.

Ryoga blinked out of his near-sleep state and blinked blearily at her. "MY fault! I never did anything to you! You were just horrible to me from the start!"

Hinako-chan scowled. "You come from a dysfunctional, delinquent family unit. It was my duty to keep am eye on you!"

"But I didn't DO anything!"

"Don't you yell at me, MEANIE!" Hinako-chan wailed, her eyes filling with hurt tears. How could she explain? That the repeated defeats at the hands of Keiko Hibiki had undermined her authority until she was forced to resign? There's no way I'm going through that again - I'm in charge here!

Ryoga slumped back in defeat. Maybe I should become a monk.

Ukyo sat down at an empty lunch table, preoccupied with her thoughts. She'd have to fire Ryoko and Ayeka. That wasn't a problem - in fact, she was looking forward to it. Noooo… the problem was going to be trying to make her best waitress work weekends now he had a little sister to take care of. With any luck, she'll get lost for another seven years, she thought to herself moodily.

She almost didn't notice the object of her thoughts until he sat down next to her, rested his head in his arms and promptly fell asleep. "Ryoga!"

No answer.

With a slight scowl, she leaned over and poked him on the arm. "Hey!"

Still no answer.

With a growl of exasperation, she reached forward and grabbed him by the collar and slapped him across the face several times. "Wake up!"

Ryoga's eyes flickered open slowly and focused on her. "Hnrg?" he asked intelligently, absently rubbing his cheek.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Ryoga? You've been like some kinda zombie all day!" Ukyo hissed. A slight note of concern crept into her voice. "You ARE sleeping OK now, aren't you?"

"…Okonomiyaki…"

Ukyo blinked. "Pardon?" she asked in confusion.

Sleepy green eyes fixed on her. "Can I… have… some okonomiyaki… please?"

pikapika Ukyo let go of his collar. "I-I… guess so. What kind?"

"Any kind," Ryoga whispered, letting his head drop back into his hands.

Regarding him suspiciously, she pulled out her portable grill and quickly whipped up a seafood special. "Here," she stated simply, pushing it under his nose.

With great effort, he opened his eyes and lifted his head up off the table. Then, in a trance-like state, he picked up his chopsticks and began to eat. Ukyo's eyebrows connected with her hair at the sheer speed it disappeared at. "Uh…"

"More," he commanded, handing the plate back. Not quite daring to argue, Ukyo made two more this time and silently handed them to him. Three seconds later they were gone. Solemnly he handed the plate back again. "More."

"But- but-" Ukyo gazed at him, incredulous. "What is the MATTER with you!"

"I need… more okonomiyaki," he mumbled, already feeling sleep creeping up on him. Part of him rebelled violently, scared by the overwhelming tiredness that had been creeping up all day. The rest of him simply wanted to give in, to sleep a peaceful, dreamless sleep… He was already out cold by the time his head hit the table.

"All right, ALL RIGHT!" Ukyo yelled, more in fear than anything else. "I'll make the dumb okonomiyaki, just wake up!"

"zzzzzz…"

"I said I'll make it!" Ukyo quickly whipped up another five and waved them under his nose. "Here."

Another few slaps brought Ryoga out of dreamland and he quickly wolfed down the okonomiyaki. However, by the third he was slowing down and by the fifth, he was eating normally. "Thanks, Ukyo. I needed that," he said gratefully.

Ukyo sighed, already missing her nickname. "What's up with you? It's not like you to just fall asleep like that-"

"I'm tired. Sue me," Ryoga cut in, in a weary voice.

A few minutes of silence crept, wandered, crawled and generally skulked by as they both struggled to think of something to say that didn't refer to any touchy subjects. Finally Ukyo decided to open her mouth. "Will you be able to work weekends?"

"Weekends?" Ryoga considered it for a moment. "I don't really think I can. I have to take care of Keiko."

Shoot! Ukyo thought angrily. She pasted a small smile on her face. "Well, surely Urd or Skuld wouldn't mind taking care of her for you…"

"They already offered to take care of her during the week," Ryoga pointed out.

"Well…" Ukyo considered her options. "How about Kasumi? She might like to take care of her."

Ryoga perked up. "How about I bring her to the restaurant and -"

"I'm NOT having that little THIEF in my restaurant!" Ukyo interrupted without thinking.

"She is NOT a thief!" Ryoga snapped back, banging his fist down on the table.

CRACK

"Oopsy," he winced, quickly looking around to see if anyone had witnessed the table's untimely end.

Somebody had. "Hibiki, Kuonji, principal's office NOW!"

Ukyo decided once again that Principal Kuno was obviously short a few marbles as she scribbled on the blackboard. It wasn't his choice of punishment - writing lines out was pretty common as far as she could see. But the lines, oh the lines! "I will not stand by and let my ex-fiancee bust tables without prior teacher consent," she mumbled, mentally counting down the numbers to 150. She was on 125.

Over the other side of the room, Ryoga glared at the numerously scrawled 'I must not break tables on school grounds unless the reason is first cleared by the principal' with venom. "This sucks," he muttered acidly. "I should be registering Keiko-chan in school."

"Like that would keep her out of trouble," Ukyo mumbled quietly under her breath.

Not quietly enough. Ryoga spun around, the chalk crumbling in his grip. "Look, would you just shut up! So she's not the best behaved child in the world…"

Ukyo hissed in exasperation. "Ry-O-ga! She's a jailbird! She should be kept under lock and key! She's the reason Hinako-sensei's always mad at you!"

"It's not Keiko-chan's fault Hinako happens to be prejudiced against every member of my family!" Ryoga shot back.

"Oh, I am, am I?" asked an icy voice from the doorway.

Ryoga yiiied and froze solid. "Hi-Hi-Hinako-sensei! Wha-wh-wh…"

Hinako-chan crossed the room sternly and examined the blackboards. "OK Kuonji, you can go now. Hibiki, write TWO hundred and fifty times, 'My teacher is all-powerful and I will respect and honour her during my time in her class and beyond."

Ryoga closed his eyes and leaned his head against the board with a whimper. It was going to be a loooong night.

End Part IIX

PART IX

Now I Lay Thee Down to Sleep…

"Work!" The fork slipped out of Keiko's hand and clattered to the ground as she stared in disbelief at her brother. "Why would you want to work!"

Ryoga cast her a blank stare for a moment to try and comprehend what she was asking him. "To… earn money to pay for things?" he said slowly.

Keiko flushed slightly, remembering the stern lecture she'd received about taking money and goods from people. "I meant, why do you want to work for that nasty Ukyo lady?"

Ryoga sighed. "She's my friend, Keiko-chan-"

"GIRL-friend?" Keiko said innocently.

Ryoga sputtered speechlessly for a few seconds before managing to reply. "She is NOT and never has been my girlfriend!" he insisted, all too aware of the burning in his cheeks.

"Sorry," Keiko apologised, a slight smirk playing on her lips. "I meant fiancee."

Another few moments of helpless spluttering followed. "Whu-whu-where did you hear that nonsense!"

"From Urd," Keiko replied innocently. Neglecting the part that stated it had been from the other side of a locked door.

Silence passed for a moment and Keiko calmly started eating her chips with her fingers. "Well, she's not my fiancee anymore," Ryoga admitted. "But I have to work. I owe someone a lot of money. Promise you'll be a good girl until I get back, Imoto?" he asked fondly.

Keiko beamed. "Sure thing, Ryoga-chan." Yeah, right.

"Here'z y'r order," Ryoga-chan managed to mumble sleepily, depositing the order in front of Mina, Bunny (now sporting infinitely shorter pigtails) and Darien. She yawned and made her way back to the counter, her eyes feeling like lead. Why am I so tired? she thought groggily, picking up the next order. The constant tiredness was beginning to worry her, despite trying to convince herself it must still be a side effect of Washu's medicine.

"Hello?"

"Yiiiii!" Ryoga-chan jumped out of her skin in fright.

Maika and Miyu backed up a bit. "Are you OK? You look all spaced out," Miyu commented.

"I'm fine," she lied, yawning widely. "Just a l'il sleepy."

The two shrugged, obviously satisfied with the reply. "Have you seen Mihoshi? We're supposed to be meeting her here," Maika asked.

Ryoga-chan shook her head. "No, haven't seen her."

"You're just not paying attention," a voice commented behind her.

For the second time, Ryoga-chan yiiiiiiied in fright and flipped around. "Mihoshi! I didn't see you!"

Mihoshi tipped her head to one side. "Do you feel well? You've been acting weird all day."

"I'm FINE," she repeated again, somewhat irritably. Finally, she spotted Ukyo waving at her. "'Scuse me," she apologised, jogging back over to the counter. "What is it?"

Ukyo looked at her in concern. "Are you sure you're all right? You look half asleep."

Ryoga-chan growled in annoyance, not noticing as she shredded the teacloth in her hands. "I swear, if anyone else asks me if I'm all right, I'm going to scream!"

"OK, OK!" Ukyo handed her two specials, one seafood, a tea and a cola. "These are for table seven. That's the table with the two blond girls and the guy who looks like Magical Guy Makoto."

Ryoga-chan nodded absently, trying to ignore how faint the smell of okonomiyaki was making her feel. "Sure."

Suddenly the door exploded inwards. "Give us all your money and valuables!" yelled the masked intruders. The Furinkan crowd immediately realised that these were not the animal-masked geeks who often beat up Gosunkugi.

"Eeeek! Kagato!" screamed Mihoshi.

"Eeeeek! CHAOS!" screamed Maika and Miyu.

"Eeeeeek! Dark Moon!" screamed Mina, Bunny and Darien. (Although Darien's scream possessed less 'eeeek' than the girls.)

"Eeeeeeeeek! My DOOR!" wailed Ukyo.

The punks fanned out, barring the doorway. One of them, maskless but with an ugly scar running down his face, stepped forward, wielding an iron bar threateningly. "Who's the manager here?" he sneered. Silence flooded the room.

Ukyo stepped forward. "I am. What the hell do you want?"

He leered at her. "Me and the boys just want a quiet meal on the house."

Ukyo crossed her arms and fixed him with a stony glare. "In your dreams, jackass."

The smirk vanished to be replaced by an angry scowl. "You're pretty cute, chick. But if you wanna keep that cute face, I suggest you do as we ask," he hissed, grabbing her wrist and pulling her forward slightly.

Ukyo pulled back. "Listen, you pompous-"

"Get your hands off her," Ryoga-chan ordered, stepping forward.

Scarface stared at her for a second, then released his hold on Ukyo's wrist. "And what are you going to do about it, little girl?" he jeered.

Ryoga-chan twitched dangerously. "Little girl!" she hissed, battle aura flaring.

The gang closed in, sensing a fight, leaving the dinner crowd to seriously consider the merits of dining at the Cat Café for the rest of their meal. Scarface stepped forward, smirking madly. "Yeah, little girl. What's your problem, got a crush on your boss or something?"

Uh-oh. Bad choice of words, Ukyo thought with a wince.

The small teen turned an nasty shade of red. "OK ugly. You asked for it!" She raised a hand. "LIGHTNING ARROW!"

A bolt of electricity flew from her fingertips and encircled Scarface with a loud ZZZZRRKRATTT. There was a short silence. "Cool," commented one guy, wearing a Jason Vorhees hockey mask. "She's kinda like a Pikachu, huh boss?"

Scarface shakily stood up, brushing at his charred clothing. Ryoga-chan fixed him with a smug grin. "Had enough?"

"Get the bitch!" Scarface commanded.

Ukyo stepped forward, holding her spatula. "You asked for-"

"Let me deal with it," Ryoga-chan interrupted.

Ukyo scowled. "What, you don't think I can handle it!"

Ryoga-chan backed away. "I know you can handle every one of these guys! I just don't want you to get caught in one of my attacks and get hurt, OK?" She spun around and lashed out a kick at the main goon. Sending him flying backwards into one of the wall supports.

Ukyo winced and stepped back. "All right, you deal with it."

Ryoga-chan grinned viciously. "Glad to." Jumping into the air, she threw several bandannas at the closest goons before sending a wave of freezing cold air crashing into them. Gasping for breath in the wave of thin air, they quickly passed out. Landing in front of the second group, she gave them the courtesy of a nasty glare before encircling them with a ring of fire. Fry, you bastards! she thought viciously.

Ukyo sweatdropped as the punks yelled in pain. "Ryoga, I think that's enough." Ryoga-chan ignored her, a strange smile on her face. "Ryoga?" Still no response. With a sigh, she unsheathed her giant spatula and prepared to smack the girl unconscious if necessary.

However, much to her surprise, before she'd taken two steps forward, the fire flickered and went out as Ryoga-chan collapsed onto the floor. With a small yelp, Ukyo rushed over to her side and rolled her over. The concern was very quickly replaced with disbelief. She's ASLEEP!

"I've tried absolutely EVERYTHING, but he just won't wake up," Ukyo explained.

"Who'd wanna wake up and see your ugly mug first thing?" Keiko muttered.

Urd and Skuld swapped a glance. "Has he been craving anything in particular?" Skuld asked slowly.

Ukyo thought about it for a moment, slightly puzzled by the question. "He wanted okonomiyaki. Why?"

The goddesses whispered to each other quietly. "Just like Belldandy," Urd commented.

Skuld nodded. "Yggdrsil still isn't on line and she said he was flash-frying a bunch of crooks before he fell asleep."

"So he's out of power?" Urd checked.

"Yup." Skuld fiddled with her moonstone bracelet. "Okonomiyaki would've recharged him a bit, but now he's not staying here, his power's gone kaput. One quick zap with the bracelet should take care of it for now though."

Urd pushed her back a bit, an evil grin sweeping across her face. "Not yet. I have an idea!" She sauntered back over to where Ukyo was trying not to hit Keiko. "We've worked out how to wake him up!"

"How?" Keiko and Ukyo asked simultaneously.

"Why, a kiss from a beautiful maiden of course!" Urd proclaimed happily, ignoring her sister who was groaning quietly in the background.

There was a silence. "You're kidding, right?" Ukyo said slowly.

"Why would I kid about something like that?" Urd asked innocently.

"I'll do it," Keiko responded cheerfully. "I'm a beautiful maiden."

"Sorry squirt. You only qualify as a maiden when your age ends in teen," Urd pointed out disdainfully.

"Where'd you read that, the bumper book of lies?" Skuld muttered quietly.

The elder goddess ignored her and gave Ukyo a Look. "How about it? After all, it's not like it'd be your first time."

Ukyo shook her head violently. "Not gonna do it. No way on-"

"Skuld, you know Mihoshi's phone number?"

"-On the other hand, how terrible could it be," Ukyo finished.

Keiko scowled. Skuld groaned. Urd grinned. "That's the spirit! You go, girl!"

Ukyo didn't budge. "What, right now?"

Urd nodded. "Of course now! No time like the present!" she encouraged, pushing Ukyo through the door.

Ukyo slowly made her way across the room where she'd carried the unconscious girl some time earlier. "I can't believe I'm actually seriously considering this!" she grumbled, kneeling down at the side of the futon. She paused, then frowned and walked back over to the door.

The other three crashed into a heap on the floor as the door swung open. "What!" Skuld protested defiantly.

Ukyo flushed. "I just remembered he's a girl."

"What!" Keiko asked curiously.

Urd shrugged. "So the way I see it, you've got two options. One, turn him back or two, let me cook you a nice yummy okonom-"

"I'll go get some hot water," Ukyo cut in.

"What did she mean, he's a girl?" Keiko questioned as soon as Ukyo disappeared into the bathroom to fill a jug with hot water.

"Hush. Ask your brother when he wakes up," Skuld commanded as Ukyo reappeared. The door slammed shut again.

After a moments pause to consider whether she had truly lost her mind, Ukyo emptied the contents of the jug over Ryoga-chan. She paused a moment longer. "Oops."

"Maybe it would've been a good idea to take off the waitress outfit first?" Skuld suggested through the door.

"Shut up!" Ukyo snapped in embarrassment. She turned her concentration back to the still-sleeping figure. Then she stood up and walked back over to the door.

The other three once again crashed to a heap on the floor. "What now!" Skuld complained crossly.

"You're sure there's no other way?" Ukyo pleaded.

"You're just chicken," Keiko said rudely.

Ukyo scowled and shut the door again. For the third time she knelt down. OK Kuonji. You can do this, she thought fiercely, her cheeks burning. Like Urd said, it wouldn't be the first time. And it could be worse - It's not like I have to shave my head and dance around naked. Sweat dripped off the end of her nose as she leaned forward and she was painfully aware of how loud her heart seemed to be beating. She gave the sleeping Lost Boy a last look in the half light before screwing her eyes shut. I can do this, I can!

There was a long pause. Outside, the three other girls held their breath. Why is she taking so long! Urd griped to herself. Suddenly, the door flew open again and they crashed to the floor. "Ouch." Ukyo glared down at her before swinging the business end of the spatula down upon her skull. "Ouch," she repeated again, rubbing her head. "What was-"

"It didn't work!" Ukyo spat, her face flaming. "I can't believe I actually believed you!"

"Course it didn't work," Keiko said scornfully. "She said beautiful maiden."

"Wha-" Ukyo's face turned even redder, a feat which until that moment seemed impossible. "You little-" She turned away angrily. "I'd strangle you if I could do it without making your brother hate me forevermore," she muttered under her breath.

Skuld sighed. "Let ME try something." She switched on the light and stepped over Urd into the room. "Hey Ryoga, wakey wakey," she whispered softly, slipping the bracelet off her wrist and kneeling down on the edge of the futon. Ukyo gazed over her shoulder in curiosity as the young goddess slipped the bracelet over his fingers, not bothering to try and force it any further.

After what seemed like an eternity, Ryoga opened his eyes. "Where am I?"

Ukyo heaved a sigh of relief. "You're at my restaurant, silly."

"What happened?" he asked in confusion, sitting up. There was a loud tearing noise. "Oops."

"That was my fault," Ukyo admitted.

Skuld nodded. "She had to turn you back somphmgh!"

"Feeling better?" Ukyo enquired, not lifting her hand from Skuld's mouth.

"Yes…" he said slowly, rubbing his head. "But what hap-"

"Ryoga-chan!" Keiko squealed, launching herself at him and knocking him over backwards. "They said you were a girl! How can you turn into a girl!"

Quietly leaving him to deal with the questions, Ukyo dragged Skuld out of the room, stepping over Urd as they did so. "Right. I want answers," she said menacingly. "What the hell happened to Ryoga and how did you wake him up!"

"Uh…" Skuld stalled, looking pleadingly at Urd for help. Come on, Urd! You're good at lying!

Almost as if hearing her sister's silent plea, Urd stepped forward. And walked past her. "I need a drink," she muttered, leaving Skuld glaring after her.

"Well?" Ukyo prompted sweetly.

Skuld gulped. "Wellllll…" She started slowly. "A little while ago, we discovered that Urd was heir to the Lord Of Terror," she explained, carefully explaining the background details and still trying to think of a way she could finish without giving too much away. "Basically, it ended with my sister Belldandy breaking her seal and defeating her. But the Yggdrisal system was knocked out and all our powers went peculiar. Urd started craving sake, me, ice cream and Belldandy just slept all the time-"

"What does that have to do with Ryoga? He's not some kind of god, is he?" Ukyo said, asking the question she'd been most dreading.

Goodbye first class promotion, hello porkie-pies, Skuld thought glumly, preparing to lie her ass off.

End Part IX

PART X

Mathilde.

"School is THIS way," Ukyo reprimanded. "You'll end up in Hokkaido if you go that way."

"I like Hokkaido," Ryoga grouched. He kicked at a stone which had the misfortune to be in his way and found itself flying through several lampposts before coming to a stop a quarter of a mile away. "I'd much rather zap myself to school through a mirror."

"Sorry I'm such lousy company," Ukyo said curtly, a look of annoyance crossing her face.

"I mean because I get lost," Ryoga pointed out. "I like walking with you. What I don't like is walking and ending up in Russia."

"Russia!" Ukyo repeated in disbelief.

"Too hot for my liking."

Ukyo decided not to think about that. "Look on the bright side," she said cheerfully.

Ryoga scowled. "What bright side? As far as I can see, there's one dark side and another dark side."

"Well, maybe one of those sides is brighter than the other one – look at that one." Ukyo laughed at the look on his face. "Come on, cheer up! So you can't use your new flash frying techniques on Ranma and you have to walk everywhere again. At least it'll give you a chance to work on your other skills some more," she pointed out.

"I think I'd have more fun flash frying Ranma."

With a small sigh, Ukyo decided to change the subject. "So what are you going to go to the Halloween party as?" she enquired innocently.

"Haven't really thought about it," he admitted.

A wicked grin crossed her face. "I know what you should go as," she said lightly, pretending the idea had just occurred to her. "Magical Guy Makoto."

Ryoga stopped. "You what!" he asked aghast.

"You should go to the Halloween party as Magical Guy Makoto," she repeated. "It'll be funny!"

Ryoga crossed his arms. "No way, no and Never!"

Ukyo put on her best pout. "Not even if I say pretty please?"

"NO!"

"But you'd look soooo cute," she cooed. "All the girls like him – think of all the attention you'd get!" she wheedled, enjoying watching him squirm. She hoped he'd take the bait – not only would it be fun to see exactly how similar they looked, but she'd also hinted to half her class that Magical Guy Makoto would be there and after he spent the night trying to fend off star struck classmates, she'd finally be able to fully forgive him. After all, I don't see why I shouldn't have just a little fun after what him and Ranma pulled, she justified.

Ryoga melted into a little puddle on the floor (not really, you wallys!). "Uh….." he began intelligently, trying to will himself not to give in. A sudden uncharacteristic thought jumped into his head. "Sure-"

"Great!"

"If you go as Sailor Mars," he finished.

Ukyo looked stunned. "Pardon!"

"If you want me to go as Magical Guy Makoto, you go as Sailor Mars," he repeated cheerfully.

"Bu- bu-" she stuttered in amazement, before giving in. "All right, you win," she scowled. "I'll go as Sailor Mars. Come on, hurry up or we'll be late," she added, dragging him along by the sleeve.

As they passed through the school gates, some sixth sense made him look up. And not a moment too soon. Grabbing Ukyo by the wrist, he jumped backwards as a figure descended from the gatepost screaming the traditional "Prepare to DIE!"

A sharp sword hit the concrete where they'd been a second ago and a slim, female figure landed in front of them. "Today you run no longer," she hissed, pulling the sword out of the concrete.

"I don't know you," Ryoga admitted. "Are you sure you're not looking for Ranma Saotome?"

"I don't know her either!" Ranma objected from his vantage perch on the wall behind them where he'd settled upon the prospect of seeing action.

The girl shook her head and short, lilac hair fanned out around her. "This does not concern you. My fight is with YOU, Ukyo Kuonji!"

Ukyo blinked as she found herself staring down the blade of a sword. "Who, ME!" She paused. "Why?"

The newcomer crashed to the ground in disbelief. "Y-you don't recognise me! Me, the girl whose life you destroyed!"

A feeling of deja-vu swept through the crowd. "Hold on a sec," Ukyo stalled. She jogged over to the main building, filled a bucket of water from a convenient tap and jogged back, then tossed the water over the newcomer.

"Hyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiii! What the HELL do you think you're playing at, you !"

"Sorry. Just checking," Ukyo explained apologetically.

The other girl plucked irritably at her shirt which was now soaked through. "Do you have any idea how much this will cost to dry-clean, you thoughtless cow!"

Ukyo blinked. "Wait a moment! I recognise that line!" she yelped, waving an arm in the other girl's general direction. "Matilda Tanya-Tompson!"

The girl turned an angry purple colour as her blood pressure skyrocketed. "It's Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson, you idiot! Why can you never remember that!" She pointed the sword at Ukyo again. "Ukyo Kuonji, pre-"

"Ukyo, I don't mean to interrupt, but you don't have time for this now," Ryoga cut in, pointing at the school clock. As if on cue, the bell struck.

Ukyo waved apologetically at Mathilde. "This can wait, right?"

Mathilde smirked. "Sure. I have… something to do anyway," she said mysteriously before running down the road, cackling madly.

"So Uc-Ukyo, what's that Mathilde want with you?" Ranma asked at lunch that day.

Ukyo scowled. "What do you care?" she growled, giving him the glare of death and turning him into a small heap of ashes.

"I was just concerned," he squeaked, backing away. As soon as he was safely out of range, he ran.

Ukyo continued eating for a moment, before giving up. "What?" she sighed, putting down her chopsticks and glancing at Ryoga.

"I didn't say anything," he said in surprise.

"But you want to know, right?" she persisted.

"Well, yes," he admitted. "After all, whenever people turn up out of the blue screaming for your life, it's usually because you either kicked them into a cursed spring, or you're engaged to them."

Ukyo winced. "Close." She sighed. "You know Tsubasa?"

"How could I forget."

"Well, when he first arrived in Nerima, Akane asked why I didn't just tell him straight away that I was a girl." She drummed her fingers on the table. "Well, the reason is…"

Flashback

Pan down a narrow, bustling street in central Kyoto. The camera zooms in on a small street café where a thirteen year-old Ukyo has set up temporary residence.

(Ukyo voiceover) After seven years, I finally had enough money to start my own business. But I needed a waitress. The first three I interviewed were atrocious…

Girl one scowls at a customer and thrusts the plate at her. "Here. That's 150 yen, don't forget the tip or else!"

Girl two takes the plate from Ukyo and giggles madly. She delivers the okonomiyaki, still giggling madly and returns to the counter, still giggling.

Girl three trips over a bag. Stumbling on her stiletto heels, she regains her balance, then wobbles cautiously forward, managing five steps before toppling to the floor. The okonomiyaki finds a new career as a hat.

(Ukyo voiceover) Then I interviewed Mathilde. She seemed pretty normal and she took the work seriously, although she would get a bit twitchy when I called her Matilda by accident several times.

Mathilde delivers okonomiyaki to customers with a commercial-bright smile on her face. Ukyo pokes her head around the door. "Matilda, can you take this over to table two?" Mathilde's smile wobbles dangerously and her clenched fingers dig deep grooves on the plate.

(Ukyo voiceover) Her parents were from France, crepe chefs or something similar, so she knew a little about the technique in making okonomiyaki. So I decided to teach her how to cook. After a few weeks, she started acting really funny, so I confronted her, and she said she loved me-

(Ryoga voiceover) What!

(Sound of a head being hit with tempered steel)

(Ukyo voiceover) It was three years ago and she thought I was a boy! Now will you let me continue!

Mathilde hugs a shocked, paralysed Ukyo and moves in to kiss her. Breaking out of her shock, Ukyo pulls away, falling over backwards. Undeterred, Mathilde pounces on her. Ukyo manages to dodge and jumps to her feet. "Mathilde, stop it!"

Mathilde looks coyly at her. "What's the matter, cherie? Don't you feel the same way too?" Her expression darkens. "You DO feel the same way, don't you!"

Ukyo sighs. "Mathilde… I don't know how to say this, but…" She unbuttons her shirt. "I'm a girl too." She blinks. "Well, whaddya know, I did know how to say it!"

Mathilde's hair stands out on end. "You WHAT!" she screams, Fuji erupting from the top of her head. "How could you DO this to me!"

"Err…"

"I'll never forgive you for this – you've RUINED my life!" Mathilde runs away, sobbing wildly, leaving a rather shocked-looking Ukyo behind her. Mathilde pauses in the doorway. "I swear, Ukyo Kuonji, I'll get you for this! I'll take away everything that makes you happy!"

End Flashback

"I thought it was just one of those heat of the moment threats, but after that, whenever somebody claimed to love me, I would say I was already engaged as it seemed less humiliating than finding out I wasn't really a boy," Ukyo finished, staring at her dinner. "I never EVER thought she'd actually follow me here."

"So what do you think she's going to do?" Ryoga asked slowly.

"Destroy my happiness, ruin my life?" Ukyo suggested with a quirky grin. "Turn me into a lesser-spotted meerkat, how should I know? I'll just have to wait and see."

Mathilde was waiting outside the school as they left. Ukyo almost didn't notice her until the sword shot out and almost impaled her in the stomach. "Good evening, MR Kuonji," Mathilde purred.

Ukyo bristled, then smiled sweetly. "Hello, MATILDA."

Mathilde's grip on her sword tightened. "I wish to-"

"Ukyo…" a voice interrupted. Ukyo turned around and glanced at Ryoga, who yawned bashfully. "Uh… can I have some okonomiyaki?"

Her gaze travelled to where a rather charred Ranma lay prone on the floor. "Oh, you didn't!" she scolded, although the expression on his face clearly stated he had.

"I forgot," he protested. A second later, he jumped backwards, startled, as okonomiyaki appeared under his nose.

"Here you go, sweetheart," Mathilde purred, smiling seductively and holding out the okonomiyaki enticingly. Ukyo glared at her and the seductive smile widened. "What's your name, handsome?"

Ukyo stepped forward, pushing the okonomiyaki towards him. "He's Ryoga and he's nothing to do with you," she said, snappier than she'd intended.

"Oh? What's he to do with you?" Mathilde asked coyly, but with a menacing undertone.

"He…" Ukyo paused momentarily. "He works for me. As a waiter."

"Hmm." Mathilde digested this piece of information. "Well, as I was saying, I wish to issue to you a formal challenge. To a sword fight. We will fight tomorrow afternoon, upon these grounds. Is that suitable?" she challenged.

"Anytime, Thompson," Ukyo growled, crossing her arms.

"Winner takes all," Mathilde continued, "as in 'all' being your young man there."

Ryoga paused in the middle of his okonomiyaki, startled green eyes fixed upon the two girls. "What!"

Ukyo also looked just as startled. "What!"

"You heard me."

Ukyo looked slowly from Ryoga to Mathilde and slowly shook her head. "No."

"You doubt your own ability then?" the other girl asked innocently.

"No!"

"Then why not?" Mathilde probed. "although, if you think you can't win…"

"Hey, anything you can do, I can do better!" Ukyo snapped.

"Then we have a deal?"

Ukyo nodded, although a small part of her felt as though she were signing away her firstborn as she reached out and shook Mathilde's hand. "You've got it."

"Great!" Mathilde grinned perkily. "See you tomorrow!" she called, hopping over the wall.

The remains of the okonomiyaki slid out of Ryoga's grip as he redirected his stunned gaze solely on Ukyo. She grinned guiltily at him. "So… uh…" She stopped talking and stared at her feet.

"Did you just agree to make me the prize in a duel?" Ryoga asked slowly.

"Umm… yes?"

He considered her answer for a moment before slowly continuing. "Ukyo, do you know how to actually USE a sword?"

"Sure!" Ukyo said confidently. You hold the blunt end, you poke the sharp end in people.

Maybe it was worry. Or conscience. Although it was far more likely to have been the sight of Kuno racing after Ranma with a bokken that made Ukyo realise that there was probably more to sword fighting than holding the blunt end and poking with the other and that it would probably be a worthwhile idea to practise a little. With a small sigh of resignation, she made for the Cat Café.

Shampoo opened the door, her face registering surprise when she saw who was standing there. "What you want, Spatula Girl?"

"Hey, Shampoo!" Ukyo chirped cheerfully. "You know um… I um… we're… Can I borrow your sword?" she finally blurted.

Shampoo looked suspicious. "Is not to kill Ryoga?"

"No!"

"OK then," she shrugged. "You wait, I go get." She reappeared moments later and held out a wicked looking sword. "You bring back clean, no blood," the young Amazon warned. "Or great-grandmother will have Shampoo's head on platter."

"Thank you," Ukyo said gratefully. She walked home slowly, carefully outlining her plan of action in her head. She would close for today and practise in the back garden. Then tomorrow, she'd kick Mathilde's scrawny little butt back to Kyoto, or even to France! That pleasant thought still in her mind, she completely forgot to phone her waiter and tell him not to come in.

Ryoga and Keiko were practically hopping up and down with impatience by the time Skuld and Urd arrived home. "Whereisitwhereisit?" Keiko interrogated as soon as Skuld appeared from the kettle.

"Did you ask him to make the bracelets?" Ryoga asked with a little more self control than his younger sibling.

Skuld sighed. "We asked. You don't get them for at least two weeks."

"What! Why!" they wailed in unison.

Urd appeared behind them, having come in through the television in the living room. "Because Keichii has 'flu and Belldandy won't let him go anywhere near school for two weeks at the very least in case he passes it on to somebody. She almost didn't let us back when we told her there was a kid here, but we explained that we'd need to pass the information on, so we've both been dosed up with medicine and orders to do the same to you," she finished, producing a large bottle and a teaspoon from other-space and forcing a large dose down their throats before they could protest.

"I've got to go to work now," Ryoga said with a groan. "If I eat a lot while I'm there, that should be enough to get me back later, right?"

"Uh-huh." Skuld fixed with a stern look. "But remember, you have GOT to be very careful! The zap I gave you yesterday won't last long, so don't do anything dumb like trying to fry Ranma."

Ryoga laughed, slightly unnerved. "Uh… heh… well um… bye!"

"Helloooo?" Ryoga looked around and quickly reached the conclusion that seeing as his head was still attached to his neck, there was no-one in the bathroom. Pausing only to splash a little cold water on himself and a quick dress change, she bounced down the stairs, mentally running through her list of excuses for being late. However, when she reached the main restaurant, the words died on her lips. The restaurant was deserted.

A puzzled frown on her face, she moved over to the door and checked the notice. Closed. And the door was locked. The frown deepened. Why would she close the restaurant? she mused, wandering aimlessly, not noticing as her footsteps took her over to the back door.

Outside, Ukyo vented her frustrations on the wooden practise dummy. Somehow, she'd thought that sword fighting would be similar to spatula fighting, but the weapon refused to co-operate. For starters, she could only hold it with one hand and she'd sustained a nasty cut across her palm when she'd automatically reached out to adjust the weight and the grip she had now felt clumsy and awkward. She lashed out angrily, her yell of anger turning into a yelp of pain when the blade hit the dummy at an odd angle and jerked out of her hands. This is hopeless! she thought to herself, tears welling up in her eyes. I should never have accepted that challenge! How on earth anyone could be expected to resist that girl though… she knew just which buttons to push.

"You're not holding it right," Ryoga-chan said quietly, walking up behind her. She bent down and picked up the discarded sword, and with three swift strokes turned the dummy into a small pile of firewood. "You need to hold it like this," she demonstrated, before handing it back.

Ukyo tried out the new grip and was surprised to find that the sword didn't feel as awkward as it had. "Thank you," she said gratefully, swinging the sword through the air. She shot a careful glance in the other girl's direction. "You never told me you could use a sword."

Ryoga-chan dodged the blade as it whistled dangerously close to her head. "You never told me you couldn't," she replied dryly.

Ukyo flushed. "Sorry. I didn't realise it would be so hard…"

"Then why don't you back out?" the other girl suggested.

Ukyo blinked. "What?"

"Umm… nothing?" Ryoga-chan said quickly, the golf-club feeling washing over her.

"You don't think I can do it!" Ukyo snapped.

"Not when you hold the sword like that, I don't."

Ukyo was silent for a second. "So you don't care that my honour will be in shreds?" she said curtly.

"Of course I care!" the other girl cried, jumping to her feet. "But why did you agree to it if you knew you couldn't do it!"

"Hey, it's not like YOU never accepted a challenge for something you couldn't do!"

"Like what-"

"Ice skating," Ukyo cut in smugly.

Ryoga-chan opened her mouth to say at least her entire future hadn't been at stake then, then remembered that it had. Then she opened her mouth to say at least there hadn't been a person at stake then, then shut it again when she realised that if she said that, she'd probably end up in orbit. Finally she let out a dismal sigh. "You're right. You should fight her. But…" She managed a small smile. "Could you let me help you train a little?"

Throughout school the next day, Ukyo was more jittery than Ranma at the prospect of eating Akane's cooking. She'd manage to master the basics of hold the blunt end, poke with the other, but she was seriously beginning to think that the only way she'd realistically be able to win would be to bust the ring and throw large rocks at Mathilde.

She was also rather unnerved by the number of people coming up to her and wishing her luck. "I know news of fights travels fast around here, but how did they all find out?" she finally wailed to Akane.

Akane blinked slowly, then pointed to a huge poster behind her. "Maybe that gave them a clue?" she said slowly.

The poster showed Mathilde looking vulnerable and a badly scrawled Ukyo in her male disguise. Underneath, it screamed promise of action, blood and perspiration for at least one minute.

"Hwah!" Ukyo covered her mouth with her hands. "Who put that there!"

"The new girl," Hiroshi said as he passed by.

"New… girl?" Ukyo repeated slowly.

Hiroshi nodded. "The really hot new girl with the lilac hair," he grinned, disappearing around the corner.

Had something to do, did she? I'll bet she did! Ukyo began to glow with anger and tore the poster off the wall. "I hate her and I can't wait to carve that smug grin off her face," she hissed, stomping around the corner, Akane following at as safe a distance behind as possible. She stopped short at the sight of Mathilde surrounded by a heaving crowd of boys. "What the…" Her eyes narrowed as she realised what was going on.

Mathilde was selling okonomiyaki - to HER crowd!

The fiery aura blazed harder. "How DARE she!" she seethed.

Akane picked up a leaflet. "She's selling them at a cheaper price than you," she pointed out. "But I'll bet her cooking's nowhere near as good as yours. And look - it's only guys like Hiroshi and Daisuke there. They're only there to ogle her, not to buy anything. " She smiled reassuringly. "I shouldn't worry if I- HEY!" The smile was instantly replaced by a dark frown and she dived into the crowd. Ukyo blinked in surprise for a second, then realised what had made Akane so mad when she emerged from the crowd, dragging Ranma by the ear, screaming madly at him.

Ranma looked guiltily at Ukyo. "Uh… hi?"

"You brought her okonomiyaki," Ukyo said quietly.

"No!" Ranma protested. "She gave it to me."

"RANMA NO BAKA!" Ukyo and Akane screamed in unison. Then with a surprising show of co-operation, withdrew their weapons and swatted him through the ceiling.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girl, aquatransexuals and cross-dressers…"

"Tell me again who's idea it was to make Nabiki the commentator," Ranma grumbled to Ryoga, the former sporting a lovely black eye from his earlier trip through the ceiling.

"…Welcome to the fight of… this week, a battle for the hand – and the rest - of Nerima's most popular aquatransexual, Ryoga Hibiki!" she finished.

"I though I was Nerima's most popular aquawatchimacallits!" Ranma protested.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "My dear Ranma. Count your fiancees. You have one, Ryoga has-"

"Actually, I don't have any," Ryoga interrupted. All eyes turned to him and he flushed slightly. "Well… uh… Shampoo's engaged to Tsubasa now and Ukyo…"

"Dumped you and threw you in the river. I remember that now," Nabiki finished thoughtfully. She turned back to Ranma. "Look at it this way. How many girls do you see over there fighting for you?"

"None," he answered.

"And how many are fighting for Ryoga?" she prompted.

"Uh….. two?"

Nabiki grinned at patted his head. "Very good! Next week we'll moved onto double digits!" She ran back to the middle of the makeshift ring and posed for the crowd, then introduced the two contenders. "On my right, we have the Queen – or King of the Crossdressers-"

"Hey!"

"The ruthless but charming, cute to boot and best chef in Nerima, Ukyo Kuonji!"

"That's better," Ukyo muttered.

Nabiki grinned. "Just a bit of fun," she explained, before returning to her speech. "And on my left-"

A sword pricked her just behind the left ear. "Don't try to be funny unless you really, really want to be short one ear," Mathilde purred.

Nabiki gulped. "On my left, Matilda-ouch! Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson!" she announced, making a break for the crowd cover.

A fraction of a second later, the air was filled with the sound of metal upon metal as the two girls leapt for each other. Deftly dodging blows, Mathilde was slightly surprised to discover that Ukyo was actually showing a little skill. Maybe this will be more fun than I thought she mused, a small grin spreading across her face.

Meanwhile, Ukyo was dismayed to discover how skilled the other girl was. She was faster than Mathilde, but all her energy was poured into fending off the razor-sharp blade. She narrowed her eyes and tried to think. I need to get away from the sword! Think Kuonji, think! Mathilde was maintaining a heavy frontal assault, but if she could just get behind the girl for a second… She backed away, letting Mathilde lunge forward, then ducked underneath her arm.

Mathilde staggered forward, a look of surprise on her face. She managed to regain her balance, then froze as Ukyo's sword rested on the base of her neck.

Ukyo grinned. "Gotcha, Thompson."

Mathilde let her shoulders sag. "Such a pity. I really wanted to win too." She tightened her grip on her own sword. "It just amazes me that you would fight so hard to win a man you dumped!"

Taken aback, Ukyo blinked in surprise. "I-"

Feeling the pressure of the sword disappear, Mathilde took her chance. Spinning around neatly and showing more skill than before, she promptly sent Ukyo's sword flying into the air. The crowd gasped.

Ukyo stepped backwards so her back was to the wall, suddenly feeling very small. She was playing with me the entire time, she realised faintly as Mathilde wielded the two blades.

Mathilde grinned. "Can't fight without a weapon, huh?" she taunted cheerfully. "Then have them BACK!"

With that, she flung she swords at Ukyo, who stumbled backwards with a yell and closed her eyes tight, fully expecting the blades to render her armless. When there was no pain, she slowly opened her eyes.

The swords had impaled her shirt sleeves at each wrist, making it impossible for her to try and pull them out. She struggled vainly to try and tear free, already knowing it was futile – after Ranma and later Ryoga had hacked up her first few shirts, she'd started wearing tougher clothing.

Nabiki stepped forward cautiously. "I guess this makes Mathilde the winner," she stated simply.

The proud grin on Mathilde's face wavered slightly at the sheer number of groans from people who'd bet heavily on Ukyo and lost, but reapplied itself at the sight of Ryoga stepping forward. "Well hi-" she began. The rest of the words died on her lips as Ryoga walked straight past her and pulled one of the swords out of Ukyo's sleeve. With a small growl, she spun around and tapped him on the shoulder. "ExCUSE me!" she snapped.

"Yes?" Ryoga asked politely. Ukyo glanced at the other girl, then silently lowered her eyes to the ground.

Mathilde crossed her arms. "We have to go now, get a move on."

Ryoga blinked, then frowned. "You only get me as an employee," he said curtly. "Any time I choose to spend with you other than that is purely voluntary."

Mathilde smiled sweetly. "That may be, but my restaurant opening hours are from six in the morning until eight in the morning, then from the end of school until ten in the evening."

"What!" Ryoga looked horrified. "I can't work those hours – I have to look after my sister!"

The lilac-haired girl shrugged. "Sorry sweetheart. Not my problem." She flicked her hair over her shoulder. "You've got ten minutes. Then your pay gets docked. See ya."

Ryoga narrowed his eyes. "I'll be there," he growled with a menacing undertone. Angrily, he turned around and pulled the other sword free.

Ukyo sagged forward. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

The anger drained away. "It doesn't matter," Ryoga said gently.

Tears welled up in Ukyo's eyes. "I tried, I tried so hard, really I did-"

"It's OK, Ucchan. I know you did your best," he said quietly.

"But now you have to work for her and you'll never get any time to spend with Keiko and it's all my fault!" Ukyo burst out.

Ryoga smiled a little. "She can make me work for her, but she can't make me like her," he said seriously.

Ukyo was quiet for a moment. "So you don't hate me then?" she whispered.

A confused look appeared on his face. "I could never hate you," he said sincerely.

"Even though I'm a rotten sword-fighter?" she asked.

"A friend overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden," he quoted.

Ukyo's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Are you saying I'm a broken fence?"

"Just your sword-fighting," he corrected. "But your cooking's better, you're a lot friendlier and…" he blushed slightly. "You're a lot cuter than she is."

Ukyo smiled and hugged him impulsively. "Thank you. I needed to hear that."

End part X

Translations

G.S.G.I.T.G: Greatest Scientific Genius In The Galaxy.

Koibito: Beloved.

Sudaru: A giant octopus that was created after the Demon Mara's booster demons were almost killed trying to save Belldandy.

Imoto: Little sister.

Yggdrsil: Heaven's computer system. After it crashed, the three goddesses had to find new ways to recharge their energy - Belldandy slept all the time, Urd drank loads of sake and Skuld started eating truckloads of ice cream. After discovering that inferior brands made Skuld age faster and Urd grow younger, the Almighty relayed a message to Keiichi saying that moonrock would give the goddesses the power they needed.

Author notes

Oh MAN that took forever! Then again, I'm sure you'll understand (well, I hope you will!) how hard it is to type when you move house and your computer gets put in the same room as the telly as you're constantly aware of the eyes boring into you… Still, I finally managed to get it done! Here it is, volume four of what was only supposed to be two and I still haven't started on the important bits! And in the next volume! Mathilde has fun with Ryoga's curse! Keiko is a nuisance! Mousse gets a new love interest! And Ukyo and Ryoga follow through with their promises to dress up as each others favourite super-hero! Ranma gets hurt! Akane tries to cook! And I get flamed! See ya in the next volume,


	12. Chapter 5

Catching the Butterfly, Volume 5 

Disclaimer. (Another one. Now, lets see...)

Dearest Takahshi goddess and various corporations, by typing the following load of nonsense and generally plagiarising many characters that I have no claim to, I hereby understand that you have every right to gouge out my eyeballs with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, take my firstborn and force me to work in a chicken gutting factory for the rest of eternity while you hold possession of my very soul. Please don't. Pretty please.

Any connection to any living person or situation should be taken up by your nearest psychiatrist.

CTB VOL 5 - Total Nonsense

PROLOGUE

All Work and No Play

"WHAT!"

The look of absolute horror on Keiko Hibiki's face was almost funny. Ryoga just winced. "I'm sorry, Keiko-chan-"

"It's not FAIR! I'll never see you! Why do you have to work for this new person anyway! I thought you liked working for that nasty Ukyo lady even though she's an evil old cow!" Keiko ranted.

"It was a condition of a challenge," Ryoga explained quietly. "I don't like it any more than you do, but I'm honour-bound to do it."

Keiko chewed her lower lip for a moment. "I'm going with you," she said firmly.

"What! No, you can't." Ryoga said firmly.

Keiko crossed her arms. "If your gonna work till ten, then who's gonna feed me? I can eat there and I promise I'll be good." She drew a cross over her chest with her finger. "Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye."

Ryoga couldn't help but laugh. "Well…" He thought for a moment. Keiko was right - he'd have no time to fix her food. And hopefully it would drive Mathilde nuts. He really didn't like the girl at all. "OK then. Let's go." Keiko giggled as he slung her over his shoulder and jumped through the mirror.

In the day Mathilde had been in Nerima, she'd somehow managed to rally together a fairly modest restaurant. Although it was a little smaller than Ucchans, mirrored walls made the interior look larger than it actually was. The grill counter ran along half the back wall, the other half housing a bar, although where she got the licensing to sell alcohol is still a mystery I'm struggling to think of a way to explain logically. High walled booths lined the rest of the walls apart from the small space where the jukebox held residence and a number of tables filled the middle.

Sat at one of the middle tables, Mathilde checked her watch and cursed. You'd better show up, Hibiki. she thought viciously. From the information she'd gathered, she'd figured he was a guy who kept his promises, but if dared not show up…

"Mathilde."

Mathilde shrieked and fell off her chair. Recovering quickly, she hopped to her feet. "You're- who's that?" she asked curiously.

Ryoga placed Keiko on the floor. "This is my sister, Keiko Hibiki. Keiko, this is Mathilde Tanya-Tompson."

Mathilde smiled tersely. "It's Tara-Thompkinson,"

Keiko smiled cutely. "How do you do," she said politely, reaching out to shake the elder girl's hand and purposefully squeezing as hard as possible. Mathilde's eyes watered. Quickly she pulled her hand away. "OK honeybunch, you stay here a second. I'm just going to talk to your brother over there, OK?" Without waiting for an answer, she dragged Ryoga over to the far wall and into a smaller kitchen behind the counter where the food was prepared. "You're late," she scolded.

"No I'm not. You said ten minutes. It's been ten minutes," he pointed out.

Mathilde scowled. "Whatever. Why did you bring that kid here? This is a restaurant, not a crèche, and you are here to work," she hissed furiously. Her plans for ruining Ukyo's life were not going to go quite as smoothly as planned as the evening she'd mentally anticipated had involved getting him drunk, getting him into bed and getting Ukyo to find out. Small children did not appear anywhere in that fantasy as I don't want this to end up on the X-rated servers.

Ryoga pretended not to notice the annoyance in her tone. "Is it all right if she stays here for just a little while?"

"No," Mathilde replied bluntly. "You shouldn't have brought her here in the first place."

"You didn't exactly give me much time to find a babysitter!" Ryoga snapped.

Mathilde narrowed her eyes. "Then she can stay here for half an hour, but NO LONGER. Now," she started, changing the subject. "You can use that phone over in the corner to call someone to pick her up while I go get your uniform."

A sudden idea popped into Ryoga's head. "Do you want me to work the same as I do at Ucchans?" he asked innocently. He didn't relish the idea of it, but it would be amusing to see how she reacted.

A smile curved on her lips. "ExACTly as you work for her."

"Oh good." He walked over to the sink and filled up a cup with cold water. Then turning to face her, he smugly poured the contents over his head.

Mathilde's eyes bugged out comically and she almost fell over in shock as the guy in front of her became a girl. "Whu-wh-" she spluttered.

(…Welcome to the fight of… this week, a battle for the hand – and the rest - of Nerima's most popular aquatransexual, Ryoga Hibiki!)

Nabiki's words echoed in her mind and she almost swore at herself for banishing the facts as high school gossip. All right, wise guy, she thought angrily, acknowledging the barely concealed smile on Ryoga-chan's face. Two can play that game! She smiled her brightest and most innocent smile. "Oh, that's wonderful!" she gushed. "A waitress always brings far more customers than a waiter! Wait here, I'll just find something for you to wear," she called, vanishing up a flight of stairs.

Ryoga-chan blinked in surprise. That wasn't supposed to happen, she thought slowly.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the re-arrival of Mathilde, who'd searched madly through her wardrobe to find a provocative - and thus humiliating outfit. With the sweet smile in place, she held out the coat hanger upon which hung a see-through white blouse, black bra and short, pleated black school skirt. Her eyes widened in shock and she backed away. "No way," she said firmly, her voice rising. "There is no way on earth I'm going to wear that outfit!" She folded her arms across her chest and looked pointedly away.

"Yes you are," Mathilde said simply.

Ryoga-chan snapped her head back to look at her. "What? Hey, you can't FORCE me to wear it," she growled.

"Maybe not," Mathilde agreed. She swung the hanger gently. "But if word got out to the authorities that a certain young girl was without the care of a mother and that her elder brother was unable to look after her…" She let the sentence trail away and looked at her meaningfully.

Slowly, Ryoga-chan reached out to take the clothes.

"Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!"

Akane winced as the irate chef punctuated each blow at the workout dummy with those words and finished with a savage kick that sent it crashing into the wall. "Come on, Ukyo, don't be so hard on yourself."

Ukyo scowled and punched an imaginary lilac-haired opponent into oblivion. "Why not? I agreed to the dumb challenge when I knew I couldn't do it." She flopped down onto the floor and glared at the ceiling.

Akane cautiously sat down next to her. "If you knew you couldn't do it, why did you agree?"

Ukyo sighed slowly. "You remember when Ryoga and Ranma agreed to that ice-skating thing when neither of them could skate and they still won, and later when Ranma got kidnapped by that martial arts tea guy and agreed to fight Miss Satsuki when he didn't know a thing about the tea ceremony?" She paused for a moment, trying to think of the right words. "I guess… I figured I was the good guy and if I believed I could win, I would."

"Ukyo…" Akane said slowly. "Ryoga won the ice-skating competition by breaking up the rink and throwing huge chunks of ice at Azusa and Mikado, and Miss Satsuki was a monkey."

Ukyo looked at her in disbelief. "You're kidding me."

"Nope," Akane confirmed with a smile.

Ukyo almost returned her smile, but it was halfhearted. "Well, they won, I didn't." She propped herself up on one elbow. "Akane, will you help me train? I'm going to challenge her again and get him back," she decided, determination evident in her voice. "And this time I won't lose."

Akane blinked. "I'm not too good with a sword - Kuno can beat me in a fair fight. But why do you want to challenge her again?" She narrowed her eyes slightly. "Aren't you always telling me Ryoga's a sex-changing pervert with fewer brains than God gave a chipmunk? And then you beat him up-"

"And threw him in the river yadda yadda. Yes, I KNOW!" Ukyo finished. "I'm constantly being reminded of that fact."

Akane continued relentlessly. "Then why-"

Ukyo exploded. "Because he's MINE! He was mine first!" She grabbed Akane by the shoulders and shook her. "Don't you get it? YOU went bananas when I first showed up here and when I tried to set you and Ryoga up together, you came charging round to my place convinced we were going to have a duel!" She let go of Akane's shoulders and closed her eyes. "See, you may not like Ranma all the time, but he was yours first, just like Ryoga was mine first. And that's why I'm gonna do it."

Akane digested the statement in silence, then stood up. "Come on," she stated, holding out a hand to help the other girl up.

Ukyo looked up at her, puzzled. "What? Where?"

"We're going to find someone to give you a real sword lesson."

End Prologue

PART I

Monday's Child is Fairly Stressed.

The raging aura around the young waitress made the customers wonder whether they'd be safer eating in the Cat Café. Most of them actually agreed they'd probably be safer eating atop Mount Etna whilst it was erupting, but as half a population is male – and many of Mathilde's customers were the guys of Furinkan who'd been ogling her earlier – they decided to risk it.

By the time Ryoga-chan had hit her fourth target for calling her 'Babe,' Mathilde decided enough was enough. A slight frown hovering around her features, she dragged the irate girl into the back kitchen and glared at her. "Could you TRY to be a little more civil?" she asked angrily.

Ryoga-chan crossed her arms. "I was being civil. That doesn't mean I'm going to smile sweetly and say thank you sir when some creep calls me babe. I'm not a piglet," she added, with feeling. And I never EVER want to be a piglet again!

Mathilde fixed her with a steely glare. "You are not to beat up the customers. They pay your wages."

Ryoga-chan returned the glare with reinforcements. "They live in NERIMA for goodness sake! They don't go to a restaurant without expecting a figh-"

She stopped abruptly as Mathilde picked up the telephone. "Hello? Is that the Tokyo department of Child Welfare?"

"Nooo! Stop it! I won't hurt them, I swear!"

Keiko watched her brother/ sister as she dispensed lesser quality okonomiyaki with a highly subdued expression on her face. Poor Ryoga-chan. It's not fair he has to do this when he didn't lose the fight. She caught sight of the dark look Ryoga-chan sent in Mathilde's direction and smiled slightly. At least I don't have to worry about him marrying HER and leaving me on my own again, she thought cheerfully. But she till needs to be taught a lesson. With that thought burning in her mind, Keiko waited patiently until her elder sibling was busy with a large order, then beckoned Mathilde over.

"What are you still doing here?" Mathilde asked slightly snappily. "I have business to do with your big brother, so don't tag along again."

Keiko beckoned her closer to whisper in her ear. "I don't know why your even bothering," the small child whispered. "My brother'd never go with a slut like you!"

Mathilde pulled away as if burned and stared at the little girl in shock. A look of intense rage flooded her features and she pulled back her fist to hit her. "You little-!"

Keiko ignored the expletives – she'd heard most of them before anyway. Waiting until Mathilde's fist was inches from her nose, she let out an ear-splitting scream.

Instantly, Ryoga-chan dropped the tray she was holding and swept Keiko into her arms. Furious, she turned to face Mathilde. "What are you, some new breed of psycho! How could you even THINK about hitting a child!" she yelled hysterically.

The restaurant plunged into silence and Mathilde felt that sinking feeling of doom wash over her.

"Did you see that! She went to hit that kid…"

"How awful!"

"There's no way I'd bring my kid sister here now…"

One woman stood up and picked her little boy up. "I think we'll be going now," she said stonily. "And I'm not sure I'll be eating here again if the manager can't control her temper around small children."

"But…" Mathilde began hopelessly, looking around in dismay as half her customers began to walk out. She whirled around to face Ryoga-chan again and was just in time to catch sight of a gloating tongue stuck out in her direction. Her eyes narrowed savagely. "Get that brat out of my restaurant this instant!" she hissed. "And don't ever bring her back.

"I wouldn't bring her back if you begged," Ryoga-chan retaliated. She picked up a menu and opened it. "Go home, Keiko-chan," she whispered. "I'll see you later."

Keiko nodded. "Bye bye, Ryoga-chan! See ya!" she said, trying to hide the glee in her voice. Pointless revenge is so sweet.

Concentrating grimly, Ukyo raised her sword and leapt forward to hit the target… and missed. The wooden block bounced off her nose. "Ow!"

Tenchi reached up and stopped it before it could swing back for seconds. "Uh… Ukyo, how can I put this?" he began with a look of worry on his face.

"Put what?" Ukyo asked, rubbing her nose.

"I'm not sure whether I can train you up to Mathilde's standards, even if you tried for a year." Tenchi admitted, shaking his head. "Your sword fighting sucks."

CLANG

"Ooh. Pretty stars," Tenchi burbled before falling over backwards.

Akane winced. "Ukyo, I don't think you're going to learn much if you keep beating the snot out of your teacher."

Ukyo groaned. "You're right, you're right, I know!" She kicked the ground sullenly. "Geez, I hate swords."

"Then why not challenge her to something else?" Akane suggested.

Ukyo blinked. "Good idea. Now what can I do better than her, hmm?" she said sarcastically, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

Akane missed the sarcasm. "Hit things with your spatula," she said promptly.

Ukyo blinked then snapped her fingers. "I know! I'll just challenge her to a game of Whack Attack, shall I?" she cried, fixing Akane with a steely glare. "I'm sure people will come running for miles to watch the match."

Akane shook her head. "I mean, challenge her to an anything goes fight to finish by knockout, using the weapon of her choice."

Ukyo blinked then frowned. "The weapon of Mathilde's choice is a sword. We have established that with a sword, I suck. Did we skip two pages here?

Akane shook her head solemnly. "You're right - the weapon of Mathilde's choice will probably be sword. But I didn't mention anything about what the weapon of YOUR choice would be…"

Ukyo's face slowly broke into a wide grin.

Ryoga was not happy. Not happy at all. Working till late and fending off the pervier Neriman residents who tried cop a feel was bad enough. Then he'd gotten home and discovered Keiko and Urd had attempted cooking and the result was making plans to invade Russia. Together they'd all managed to kill it and had all crashed, completely exhausted and almost completely powered out, Urd and Skuld included. Then that morning he realised he'd completely forgotten about his homework – but working from six in the morning until the beginning of school meant that he had no time to do it during breakfast. Luckily it was for science, which he wouldn't have until that afternoon. Assuming he didn't have to working during lunch (and if he did then he was going to hide), he'd go to the library and finish it then.

But all of these things added up to make Ryoga madder than a woman with PMT who's discovered the chocolate's been stolen. Most people caught sight of the expression on his face and wisely shut up.

Of course, some didn't.

"Why hello, my pretty! Happy's happy to see you!"

Most martial artists in Nerima have this strange compulsion to scream out a battlecry halfway through an attack, then look annoyed when their target dodges. (Rather like cops who put the siren on and wonder why the burglar ran away.) Happosai was a very old martial artist and had thus learned that by throwing the bucket of water first, the target would turn around just in time to get soaked and he'd be rewarded with a large set of gazongas to land on. The tried-and-true method proved itself once again and the old man sighed with bliss. "Is there any better way for an old man to be happy?"

"How 'bout on somebody else?" Ryoga-chan suggested coldly, pulling the old pervert away from her and wondering whether she had enough energy to flash fry him. She settled for setting his hair on fire. "What do you want, old man?"

Happosai rolled around on the grass, trying to stifle the flames. Finally he sat up. "I just wanted to say hello, is that too much to ask!" he wailed.

"You want me to set the rest of you on fire?" she growled in a low voice. "Leave me alone."

Happosai pouted. "Just trying to be friendly," he grumbled, turning away. "You're mean to a poor old man. I'll go say hello to Ranma-chan instead."

"Yeah, you do that," Ryoga-chan scowled, wringing out her shirt. Damn. Now I'll have to find some hot water from somewhere.

From somewhere around the corner of the gym came a loud scream and various pulverising noises. "Sounds like Happosai found his Ranma-chan," Ryoga-chan muttered correctly. The small, spry old man confirmed his suspicions by running around the corner, cackling with glee, closely followed by a fuming Ranma-chan. Before she could move, they'd both bounced off her head, sending her crashing to the ground with a large sack on her chest. "Ouch." She groaned and closed her eyes.

"There's the panty thief!" a voice cried.

Ryoga-chan's eyes flew open and that golf club feeling swamped her. A ring of girls, headed by a tanklike brunette, surrounded her, various looks of disgust on their faces. "What?"

"I always knew Ranma was a panty stealing pervert, but I never though HE was," one girl muttered.

"It's getting so you don't dare get changed for games any more," another one grumbled.

Ryoga-chan sat up quickly. The large sack was indeed full of women's underwear. Her face coloured. "Um…"

"OK, panty thief, what have you got to say for yourself!" the large brunette snarled, stepping forward and grabbing her by the collar.

"Not guilty?"

"You're caught red-handed with the goods and you expect us to believe that you're innocent?" she said slowly. The angry girls around her muttered in agreement. "You asked for it, buster."

Something inside of Ryoga-chan snapped. All of a sudden, she was sick to the back teeth of being continually made to bear the blame of other peoples actions. An angry light shone in her eyes as she stood up and thrust the sack of underwear towards the ringleader. "Check your witnesses. And next time, look for a motive. I didn't steal your underwear. I have no use whatsoever for your underwear – I can't gain strength from it unlike a certain old man I could mention. And if I stole your underwear, do you really think I'd be lying down on the ground with it in a bag next to me?" she snarled, fanged teeth showing.

The other girls backed away hurriedly. "Uh…"

"If you want to punish the culprit, then punish the culprit," Ryoga-chan continued, turning to walk away. "Not the first person you see whom Happosai's unloaded his haul upon. Now back off and LEAVE ME ALONE!" she shouted over her shoulder.

The girls quickly discussed the situation between themselves. "OK, so he didn't do it. Now what?"

"Well, if it wasn't him, it must've been the other one."

With that conclusion, the girls raised the weapons aloft. "RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ryoga-chan looked slightly stunned, then shook her head. "I will never understand girls," she muttered under her breath.

Ranma-chan chose that moment to come screaming round the corner with a crowd of girls hot on her tail. She glared at Ryoga-chan. "THIS IS All your fault…" she yelled, her voice fading out as she headed towards the relative safety of the school roof.

Fortunately for all those who didn't want to be fried by a shishi hokodan, Ryoga's stress level had gone down somewhat by the time English class started. And to make them feel even safer, regular class was suspended so the students could make halloween decorations for the school hall. So there would be no conflict today about 'who actually teaches the subject here, mister!'

You'd think so, wouldn't you.

"Pretty babyish, this decoration lark," Ryoko muttered.

"It gets us out of lessons, doesn't it," Ukyo pointed out, carefully cutting out a black cat on a broomstick. Ranma shuddered and moved his desk slightly away. "Besides," she continued, "it's kinda fun. Would you rather be having an English test?"

Ryoko sighed. "I'd rather-"

Whether she'd rather make valentines decorations or whether she'd rather sunbathe naked in Hades, Ukyo never found out as Ayeka chose that moment to show Tenchi the witches she was drawing and Ryoko commented on whether she'd managed that from memory or was she looking at a mirror for guidance. Needless to say, the back wall went up in flames and the two girls spent the rest of the lesson out cold on the floor.

Ukyo sighed and shook her head. "You'd think those two would've learnt by now," she said to Tenchi.

Tenchi shrugged. "It gets the focus off her favourite victim, I suppose." He grinned. "You know what I like about this school?" He continued before Ukyo could guess. "Ryoko, Washu and Ayeka have almost completely destroyed it between themselves and I haven't been suspended."

"Furinkan is used to being destroyed. It was probably an air raid shelter in WWII," Ukyo commented. She paused. "You still on for lunch?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," he replied. "You ARE going to give me okonomiyaki, aren't you?"

"Of course. Meet you outside the lunch hall."

In the row in front, Ryoga pricked his ears up. Ukyo's not having lunch with me! he thought with surprise. He stole a quick glance behind him. Ukyo and Tenchi were chatting together quietly. He turned back and thoughtfully analysed the situation. There's nothing to worry about. They're just talking. He's probably going to teach her to sword fight properly and she's going to cook him dinner in return. The sound of laughter reached his ears and the pencil he was holding snapped in half. There is NOTHING to worry about! Ryoko and Ayeka wouldn't let there be!

"Something wrong, Hibiki?" Hinako asked sweetly.

Ryoga looked down at the broken pencil halves and flushed. "No Sensei," he muttered, reaching for the sharp half.

Hinako picked up a small decoration. "A ghost. How cute," she commented. "And what makes you associate ghosts with halloween if they can be seen all year round?"

Ryoga drummed his fingers on the desktop. "Because the word Halloween derives from All Hallows Eve and it's the one night when the barrier between the living and the dead can be broken."

"Smartass," she muttered, jumping off the desk.

Ryoga narrowed his eyes. "I don't know why we're bothering to make halloween decorations – we could just dress you up and stick you on a broom."

Hinako whirled around. "I heard that! HAPPO NO YEN COIN RETURN!" Her target ducked under the blast, almost feeling sorry for Ranma, who received the full onslaught and became one with the wall. Hinako-chan hissed angrily and scrabbled in her pocket for a coin, and finally located a fifty yen piece. Ryoga melted it. A small chorus of sniggers filled the classroom as the students watched the teacher jump around yelling, before locating another coin and draining him. "Back to work, class. Unless you'd rather have a small test on verbs and adjectives…"

At lunchtime, Ryoga settled down next to Ranma and yawned. Ranma shot at glance at him. "Sleepy?"

"Couldn't sleep. Keiko stole all the covers."

Ranma almost bit his tongue off. "Who in the world is Keiko!"

Ryoga looked surprised. "She's my little sister."

"Little… sister?"

"Yes." Ryoga fixed him a steely glare. "I DO actually have a little sister. She's seven. The kid who pooped out of my English book the other day."

"And… she steals the covers," Ranma said slowly. "Doesn't she have a bed of her own?"

"Yes, but Skuld's sleeping in it," he admitted. "And Urd's taken over my parents room so she's sharing with me."

Ranma nodded. "At least you don't have to share with a panda." He opened his bento box. Then he slowly closed it. Then he opened it a crack and peeped inside, then closed it again. "Hey, buddy-"

"No," Ryoga cut him off, opening his own bento box. Then he slammed the lid on again.

There was a small pause.

"You want to swap?" Ryoga finally asked.

"Sure!" Ranma reached out eagerly and snatched the box away. "Real food-ACK!" He slammed the lid down firmly and glared at Ryoga. "What the heck was that thing!"

"Don't ask me, I didn't cook it. I think it's another of Urd's masterpieces," Ryoga admitted, opening Ranma's bento box. He peered at the contents. "Did Akane make this?"

"Yeah. And she made it for me, so give it back!" Ranma growled, making a grab for it.

"You gave it to me!"

"I don't care! Give it back to me!"

Across the other side of the room, Akane grinned happily. "My cooking must be getting better! Look at how Ranma and Ryoga are fighting over it!"

Ranma suddenly stopped. "Why the heck are we fighting for something that was cooked by Akane, when we could just ask Ucchan to make us some food!" he exclaimed, then set off at a run. "C'mon porky, keep up!"

"What did you just call me! I'll GET you for that!" Ryoga ran after him. "Ranma! Get back here so I can kill you!" He ran around the corning of the building at top speed, running full tilt into the other martial artist, who'd stopped short. The two crashed heavily to the ground. "What did you stop for!"

"Just get offa me! You weigh a ton!" Ranma hissed into the dirt. He sat up and pointed. "There she is. But what's she doing?"

Ryoka peeked around the corner. "She's making okonomiyaki, you idiot. What does it look like she's doing!"

"For Tenchi Masaki?"

Ryoga shrugged. "Ryoko and Ayeka make toxic food too. Maybe he's just trying to get some edible food as well. There's nothing at all to worry about," he repeated again. "I mean, it's not like she LIKES him or anything."

Ranma shook his head. "They look pretty friendly to me, man. If that was you and Akane, I'd turn into a girl and break it up. Not that I'm jealous or anything," he added hastily. "I mean, for her sake, 'cause if her old man found out, he'd blow his top." At me, he added mentally.

A small smile flitted around the edge of Ryoga's mouth. "If Ukyo's dad found out, he'd go nuts."

"True," Ranma agreed.

"So if I went over there to break it up, it'd be purely with her best interests in mind," he continued.

"Yeah, you go girl!" Ranma said enthusiastically.

"Do I look crazy to you!" Ryoga asked sharply. "I've seen Akane try to kill you for doing that!"

"Just think of it as training," Ranma said, attempting a different tactic. "You have to get close to the enemy without them realising it-"

"By… turning into a girl," Ryoga said slowly.

"Right, by turning into a girl. Then you have to dodge everything that's thrown at you when she finds out," he finished. Before Ryoga could comment, he picked up a bucket of cold water and tipped it over him. "And it's also pretty fun too," he admitted, whipping the bandanna out of her hair. "Let's go get you a disguise."

"Fun!" Ryoga-chan echoed helplessly as Ranma dragged her along to the drama department. "Ranma, I don't think I want to do this! Ranma!"

Ten seconds later…

"I feel stupid," Ryoga-chan grumped, glaring at her reflection in the mirror. She was kitted out in a formal kimono, dark red with darker red flowers embroidered on it. She was also wearing a shoulder length black wig – and a highly irate expression.

"You LOOK fabulous," Ranma reassured her. He rooted through a few accessories. "What about a bow?"

"I'm not wearing a bow," Ryoga-chan said flatly.

"You'd look good with the bow…" Ranma said gently.

"I'm not wearing the bow! And this is a dumb idea!" Ryoga-chan exploded.

"You WANT Ukyo to marry Tenchi?"

"I-"

"You want her dad to have her hung, drawn and quartered?"

"No but-"

"You seriously want Ryoko and Ayeka screaming for your blood because you didn't stop her?"

"No!" Ryoga-chan tapped her foot for a second, gazed at the floor and drew a small circle with her toe. "All right, I'll go."

"And-" Ranma began, holding out the bow.

"But I am NOT wearing the bow!"

In fact, the reason Tenchi was eating lunch with Ukyo was because they'd established that although Ukyo was a pro with the spatula, it would be an infinite help if she could practise with an opponent who used a sword. Bribed with the promise of food that didn't bite back, Tenchi had readily agreed and was happily digesting before practise.

"Tenchi!"

Tenchi whimpered, thinking Ryoko and Ayeka had found him again, when a petite girl landed in front of him. He blinked. "Can I help you miss?"

"Don't be silly, Tenchi! It's me!" Ryoga-chan painted a bright smile on her face and sat down next to him.

Tenchi quickly racked his brains. She didn't look particularly like Hiwa or Mayuka, one of who'd turned out to be a ghost of sorts, and the other who'd claimed to be his daughter. But she also didn't look like any of the aliens he'd met. "I'm awfully sorry ma'am…"

Ukyo peered closely at her. Ryoga-chan looked back innocently, braced herself and flung her arms around his neck. "Silly! It's Haruka, remember! We went to uh… elementary school together!"

"We did?" Tenchi asked vaguely, trying to breath.

"Sure we did! We were in Miss uh… in… in class together when we were nine," Ryoga-chan said quickly, covering her slip when she realised she didn't have any idea who his teachers would've been.

"So why are you here now?" Ukyo cut in suspiciously.

"Because I'm his fiancee," Ryoga-chan stated smugly. "Who are you?"

Before she could answer, Tenchi cut in. "Fiancee! Wait, were you in a near fatal accident?"

Ryoga-chan blinked slowly. "What! How did you know that!"

Tenchi grinned triumphantly. "Wait here, I know how to deal with this one! Hey, Washu!" he called, jumping to his feet and racing across the grounds. "Washuuuuu…"

The two girls stared after him. "That boy is weird," Ryoga-chan said after a moment.

Ukyo gave her a sidelong glance. "He's not the only one," she said dryly, reaching out and pulling the wig off her head.

"Hey!"

"I knew it! What the heck is wrong with you!" Ukyo snapped, picking up her spatula. "Dressing in a kimono… that's RANMA'S scene, not yours! I mean…" She tailed off and stared at her. "Were you jealous!" she asked slowly.

"Jealous!" Ryoga-chan said sharply. "What of! I mean, you two were just talking, it's not like there was anything going on!" she laughed, her voice rising in pitch. She blinked slowly. "Uh… right?"

Ha! You were SO jealous! Ukyo suppressed a smile. "Well actually," she started innocently, "Tenchi's agreed to work for me now."

"He… has?" Ryoga-chan asked slowly.

"Uh huh! His house is always getting wrecked so he's going to try and earn some more money for repairs," she said lightly. "So I don't have to worry about you working at Matilda's now."

Ryoga-chan felt as though she'd been hit with a sledgehammer. "Y-you don't…" she began in a small voice, then stopped. She's not going to help me, she realised with something akin to horror. I'm stuck working for Mathilde Tanya-Tara Whateveritis forever!

Ukyo blinked. "Uh… you OK?" she asked slowly. Was it something I said?

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine," she said in a falsely bright tone, her voice cracking slightly. "Just fine. I'll just… just… see ya round!" With that, she charged back around the corner and stomped Ranma into the dust.

"Didn't work?" Ranma asked sweetly from beneath her foot.

"Ranma Saotome, I'm never going to listen to your daft ideas ever again!"

End Part 1

PART II

Mathilde Bites Back.

"I heard about what you did at lunchtime," Mathilde said sweetly as she escorted Ryoga-chan back to her restaurant. "I guess it must be amusing to be able to fool people like that."

"Yeah. Real fun," Ryoga-chan replied tersely, trying to ignore her and trying to think. If it was only herself at stake, she wouldn't hesitate to get himself fired. But there was Keiko too. Naughty, mischievous Keiko who after five years of loneliness had finally managed to locate a member of her family. Remembering how lonely he'd been himself at her age, she couldn't allow Mathilde to split them up. She'd do whatever she wanted as long as she didn't take her little sister away. Be a good rat and you can have the cheese. True, the schoolgirl outfit was bad, but there were far worse things it could be.

Mathilde pushed the door open and dragged her inside, still chattering cheerfully. "…So I popped down to a costume rental shop during lunch and picked up something. This will really bring the guys running in!" She disappeared, then reappeared with a new outfit on a coathanger.

She'd been right, she realised, slowly reaching out for the new outfit. It could always be worse.

It could be a policewoman's outfit.

The next day, it was a nurses outfit.

The day after, it was a bunny-girl outfit.

Ryoga-chan's eyes almost fell out of her head. "You are not seriously expecting ME to wear THAT!" she hissed, pointing towards the offending outfit.

"Oh no," Mathilde said innocently. "I'm ordering you to wear that. If you want your pretty young sister to remain within your care, that is."

With a furious expression on her face, she reached out and snatched the outfit, then stomped off to the changing room, slamming the door behind her. A shower of plaster fell down and Mathilde winced. "That's the closet." Silently, Ryoga-chan pushed open the door, crossed the room, pushed open the correct door and slammed it equally hard. "Or you could always serve in your other form," Mathilde suggested cheerfully.

"Dream on," Ryoga-chan muttered under her breath. It was a suggestion the lilac haired girl made every day, but each time she said it, it made her even more suspicious as to what her motives were. Besides. She didn't want to give the other girl the satisfaction of seeing her cave in. Wishing she could just curl and die – or even better, eradicate the other girl with one look – she stepped out of the room, wobbling slightly on her high heels.

A dark aura of barely suppressed anger and humiliation hung over the girl like a heavy blanket and for a fleeting moment, Mathilde wondered if maybe she'd pushed her too far. The moment disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. I've given him the chance to turn back. It's his own fault for being so stubborn, she thought to herself. She clapped her hands together. "Ooh la la! Ladies, lock up your husbands!"

"You're not funny," Ryoga-chan muttered, crossing her arms. She watched Mathilde turn on the grill and sighed heavily Dammit Ukyo! I don't understand why you'd just leave me in the lurch like this.

As well as the alarming influx of hormone-driven male students that night, Mathilde's restaurant also received a surprise guest in the form of Nabiki Tendo. A calm, calculating smile hovered around her lips as she scanned the restaurant, then leaned against the entrance to the ladies toilets.

A few seconds later, Ryoga-chan passed by, only to find herself roughly grabbed by her bunny ears and yanked backwards through a doorway. "Hey!" she yelped.

"Shut up or I'll give Mathilde those photo's of you in lingerie!" Nabiki hissed in her ear. (No, not the bunny ears, you silly billys!)

Ryoga-chan pulled free and turned on her heel, staring at the other girl in surprise. "Nabiki! Wha-what are you doing!"

Nabiki arched an eyebrow at her. "I could ask you the same thing. Nice outfit, by the way," she added.

Ryoga-chan flushed. "I'm working. That's how some of us earn what's known as an honest living," she snapped irritably, turning to go.

Nabiki flinched, then reached over and grabbed her by the arm, turning her back to face her. "Look, Ryoga, I'm sorry about… that. I just wanted to talk to you about Ukyo."

"Ukyo? What about her? Is she OK?" the other girl asked, a small note of concern creeping into her voice.

"Ukyo's fine." Nabiki pulled her over to the door. "What do you see?"

Ryoga-chan looked at her for a moment to try and determine whether the other girl had finally gone mad, then shrugged and peered out of the door. "I see a whole lot of guys. And Mathilde being ticked off because there's nobody out there to take the order," she added, a small smile on her lips.

Nabiki nodded. "Give the gal a prize! Like I say, Ukyo's fine, but her business ain't so hot. Those guys out there," she continued, waving towards the door, "are all here to cop an eyeful of your pretty outfits. And it's hitting her pretty hard."

Ryoga-chan looked horrified. "I-I… I didn't- I never-"

"You don't have to wear the outfits. I know your big man macho pride would be put through the wringer if you give in to her, but believe me, wearing the bunny suit is not the way!" Nabiki said sternly.

"It's- it's not pride. If I had any other choice I wouldn't do it," the smaller girl whispered. Her voice wobbled dangerously. "But if I don't d-do what she s-says, s-she'll…" A tear trickled down her face. "She'll tell t-the authorities t-that I d-d-don't know w-where my p-parents are and t-they'll t-take Keiko-chan a-away and p-put her in a h-home," she sniffled, sliding down the wall and hugging her legs.

"Ryoga…" Nabiki began, then stopped, not knowing what to say.

"I-I l-lost A-Aiko and I d-d-don't w-want to l-lose m-m-my l-little s-sister too!" she finished, sobbing into her arms.

Nabiki looked torn for a second, then knelt down in front of her. "Hey. Tomorrow, tell Mathilde you're not wearing her dumb costumes any more. Go guy. That should irritate the hell out of her!"

Ryoga-chan blinked. "B-but what about-"

"I will take care of that little problem," Nabiki interrupted. She grinned. "That is, if she has the guts to go through with it." She stood up, wincing as her knees protested, and hauled the other girl to her feet. "Now dry your face, go out there and show her who's boss! Are you a man or a munchkin!"

"A munchkin?"

The next evening…

Ukyo frowned slightly as she looked around the disturbingly empty restaurant interior. Apart from herself and Tenchi (who'd reluctantly agreed to go along with her lie as it would give them both the opportunity for more training), there was only three occupied tables. And as she watched, the group at one of the tables stood up, paid and left. Look on the bright side, she thought grimly. It gives you more space to practise without decapitating anyone! She glanced over to where Tenchi was cheerfully collecting glasses from predefined table and gripped her spatula, then swung it towards his head. Turning around slightly, he quickly brought his sword up in defence. "Drat," she muttered, pulling back and swiftly aiming a swipe at his midsection.

Tenchi jumped to one side, but not quite quickly enough. A small rip appeared in the side of his shirt. He blinked in surprise. "You got a hit-"

CLANG

"-In," he finished, before keeling over.

Ukyo blinked. "Tenchi? You OK?"

Tenchi sat up slowly. "I have bluebirds flying round my head. Other than that though, I'm fine." He grinned up at her. "But I think you're ready."

"You do?" Ukyo repeated in surprise, looking down at her spatula then back at him.

Tenchi nodded. "Not only did you smack me out cold without me first getting you mad, but you also got through my defences. In my opinion, you'll be able to handle that girl quite adequately this time."

Ukyo grinned happily in response. "I'll go deliver the challenge now then," she said cheerfully, heading to go.

Tenchi nodded and picked up his pack. "Good lu-"

"And where do you think you're going!"

"…Home?" he suggested blankly.

"What! And leave my restaurant unattended!" Ukyo propelled him back over to the counter. "You wait her until I get back!" she ordered, skipping out of the door.

Tenchi blinked after her. "Sure thing, boss." I hate my life.

Earlier that evening…

"Mathilde, I'm not going to wear a costume tonight," Ryoga said firmly.

Mathilde smiled. "I guess you don't want your little sister either then." She picked up a mobile phone. "Guards. Go to Ryoga Hibiki's home and apprehend his little sister." She grinned back at him. "Have a nice night!"

Ryoga shook his head and the daydream/ nightmare dispersed. Don't be so dumb, he told himself sternly. She'd try and talk me out of it first and anyway, Nabiki said she'll take care of it. He took a deep breath and stared at the mirror again. "Mathilde, I'd like to work in my male form tonight please."

Mathilde clapped her hands together happily. "Goodie! I have a doctor's outfit and a policeman's outfit and even a Roman toga too! This will be so much fun!"

Ryoga shook his head again. Stupid! She must have some other reason for wanting me to go guy, otherwise she wouldn't suggest it all the time! He glared at his reflection. Now think sensibly, you moron! He tried again. "Mathilde, tonight I'm going to work in my male form. And I won't wear a costume," he added.

Mathilde smiled. "That's quite all right. I have some other people here who'll be wearing costumes tonight." With that cue, four clowns, four showgirls and several guys in gorilla suits danced into the restaurant. Then the gorilla grabbed their instruments and started to play while the clowns and showgirls danced the tango.

Ryoga blinked slowly. "O-kay now. That was just insane." He stood up. "I'd better go before I start really cracking up."

"Ryoga-chan?"

Ryoga yeeped and spun around. "Keiko-chan! You scared me!" he exclaimed, trying to coax his heart out of his throat and back into his chest.

Keiko nodded slowly. "Sorry. You don't have to work tomorrow, do you? You said you'd help me train a little"

Ryoga reached over and picked her up. "I might have to work in the morning. But in the afternoon we'll do some training together, OK?"

She nodded, painting a bright smile on her face. "Uh huh. You and me." And none of those dumb girlfriends, she added in her mind.

Ryoga nodded and kissed the top of her head. "You be a good girl then and I'll be home later," he instructed, putting her back down on the floor and hopping through the mirror.

Stepping out of the other side of the mirror, he glanced around nervously. "You're early," a voice spoke behind him.

"Yeek!" For the second time that evening, Ryoga had to stop his heart from jumping out of his throat.

Mathilde let her gaze saunter along him. "You're not in girl form," she stated simply.

Ryoga nodded. "That's right. I… I uh… I-I…" he babbled, beginning to panic. None of his daydreams had involved her popping up behind him like a jack-in-the-box! He twiddled his fingers. "I-I'd l-l-like to w-work in gu-guy form tonight," he finally blurted.

Mathilde blinked in surprise. Then her features quickly smoothed back into a blank mask as she jumped for joy inwardly. "Would you like a drink?" she asked neutrally.

Ryoga was instantly on guard. "Of what?" he asked suspiciously.

"Iced tea?" Mathilde suggested, holding up a bottle of grape Snapple. Her grin widened slightly as he nodded and she poured the Snapple into a glass, then discreetly added some frozen vodka. (Note - I say frozen, but because of the high alcohol content in vodka, it won't freeze, no matter how long you keep it in the freezer. Hard luck to those trying to make vodka ice cubes! Plus, it doesn't have any taste at all at that temperature.) No taste. He won't know what hit him," she thought gleefully, sliding the glass over to him. "Drink up!"

One frame/ two hours later…

"…I gotta say, you got real persistence," Mathilde flattered, pouring yet another vodka-spiked Snapple out. "I really thought you'd fold by day two."

"Why'd I do tha'?" he slurred, reaching for his drink again. "Need tha' money. 'N Ukyo's got Tenshi ta work fer her now," he added with a small note of anger in his voice.

"Vraiment! She has!" Mathilde asked, pretending to sound shocked, although she knew fully well it was true.

Ryoga nodded glumly and downed the rest of his drink. "Uh-huh. I always thought mebbe she'd come reshcue me… I mean, I neber left 'er on 'er own when we wus trapped in th' land 'o lost spipishs…" he grumbled.

"She doesn't deserve a loyal guy like you," Mathilde said soothingly. "Another drink?"

"Thash goooooood Snapple," Ryoga giggled. He blinked. "Shudent we open the place yet?" he asked thoughtfully, trying to stand up.

Mistake, he realised as soon as he stepped forward. His head felt as though it was stuffed full of cotton wool and his legs felt as though he was wearing concrete shoes. As a result, he fell over sideways, knocking down several bar stools at the same time and landing square on his backside. He blinked up at Mathilde with wide, startled eyes and a pretty sizeable sweatdrop. Mathilde giggled and jumped over the counter to help him up. Kneeling down next to him, the giggles faded, but the smile didn't. "You're cute when you're drunk," she said softly, realising she was telling the truth as the words left her lips.

"Drunk!" Ryoga repeated in surprise, using his elbows to prop himself up. "Bu' I'm no-"

Mathilde jumped onto his lap, grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him fully into a sitting position, then, not allowing him any more time to finish the sentence, she leaned forward and pressed her lips firmly against his. After a few moments, she pulled back and grinned cheerfully at him. "Cute," she repeated, stroking his cheek and running her thumb along his lower lip before diving back in for seconds.

With a small squeak of shock, Ryoga pulled backwards, whacking his head against the floor. Finally, his senses began to filter back into his head and instantly went into full red alert. Undeterred, Mathilde grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him back up again. Beginning to panic slightly, he grabbed hold of her shoulder and shoved her away from him as hard as he could.

Mathilde fell over backwards and jumped to her feet in surprise, which quickly turned into annoyance. "What did you do that for!"

Ryoga has also jumped to his feet and was currently trying to rub some of her vampire-red lipstick off his face. "You spend a week dressing me up and threatening to have my sister put into care, then you expect me to kiss and make up!" he yelled furiously.

Mathilde blinked in confusion. Actually, that had been exactly what she'd expecting. She quickly tried to smooth the situation over. "Cherie, you really thought I'd try and put your sister in a home?" she asked gently. "I would never do that." She stepped forward, trying to dampen down her irritation when he scooted to one side. "My dear Ryoga. Je suis desole… I didn't realise you were so hurt by that," she said soothingly.

"L-leave m-me alone," Ryoga stuttered, backing away. "I d-don't… I d-don't w-want…"

"You don't want ME?" Mathilde asked, her eyes narrowing. "Is that what you were going to say? And who DO you want?" She continued, not letting him answer. "Ukyo? Is that it? Well I've got news for you! Ukyo doesn't want you! She hasn't even challenged me again to try and get you back. She's replaced you as easily as a dead battery," she hissed, advancing on him. Her voice softened. "I want you. I'd never make you a prize in a fight I couldn't win. Ma petite, je t'aime."

"Mais je tu deteste!" Ryoga spat back, scooting around another table.

"You can't really mean that," she said with a smile, still advancing on him.

"Oh yes I do. And your okonomiyaki sucks, MATILDA!"

Mathilde blinked, then her face contorted with anger. "Why you… get back here!" she yelled, vaulting over a table, a small dagger at the ready.

Ryoga yelped and jumped aside, but the alcohol had slowed down his reflexes. The dagger whistled through the back of his shirt. He twisted around and swung his arm back so it crashed into her wrist. The dagger sailed across the room and embedded in the wall. She's crazy! he thought with panic as she scowled and reached for another dagger. In moments the air was full of flying metal and he wasn't quite fast enough to avoid all of them. One flew through the sleeve of his left arm, pinning it to the wall, and two hissed through the material on the right, one above the elbow and the other at the wrist. Another dagger landed in the wall with a solid thunk just next to his ear, scything a long cut along his cheek as it did so and the last one hit him in the left leg. He let out a cry of pain and sagged against the wall.

Mathilde stepped forward and pulled the dagger out of his leg and waved it under his nose. "I'm sorry I did that. But I had to. You defied me and I couldn't let you get away with it, do you understand?"

A small part of his mind that wasn't fluffed up with alcohol or pain rebelled. No, he didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. Mathilde reached up and ruffled his hair. "If you just behave yourself, I won't hurt you again. Do you understand?"

Bitch, Ryoga though venomously. He nodded silently, giving an experimental tug at the daggers pinning him to the wall as he did so. They gave way slightly and he gave a small grin. Now all I need is to distract her…

The lilac haired young woman leaned forward to kiss him again, when a there was a loud explosion behind her. With a loud scream, she spun around and gazed in shock at the source of the noise. One of the bottles behind the bar had exploded, showering a radius of six feet with glass and whiskey. As she watched, a bottle of Tia Maria exploded as well. With a shriek of dismay as seeing her merchandise meeting such an untimely end, she ran forward, only to be driven backwards as the Baileys and Malibu exploded too. (Oh, what a tragedy!)

Seeing his chance, Ryoga pulled as hard as he could at the blades holding him to the wall and with a loud tearing noise, he fell forward, stumbling slightly as he tried to regain his balance, with semi-success. Seeing Mathilde begin to turn back towards him, he blew up a few more bottles for good measure. Just one more, he told himself, edging towards the mirrored wall.

Mathilde tried not to cry as a bottle of very expensive Beaujolais met its fate and Ryoga allowed a small self-satisfactory grin to appear, when the overwhelming sleepiness hit him with all the force of a small nuke. Dammit! Of all the times to… he thought in frustration, before sleep claimed him and he crashed to the ground.

The bottles stopped exploding. Mathilde blinked, then slowly turned around. "Why you… salaud!" she exclaimed, stamping her foot on the ground and barely resisting the urge to tear him into shreds. "Dirty bastard! Sale salaud!" she spat, trying to think of some way of seeing the situation in some way other than a total cock up.

Finally she thought of something. "Maman always said I should let sleeping dogs lie," she mused, carefully kneeling down next to him and running her fingers through his hair. "And just because nothing really DID happen doesn't mean I should let everybody else think that too," she continued. Pity really as he was terribly cute… with a small sigh of resignation, she looped one arm around his neck and another under his knees and picked him up. "Mon Dieu! You weigh a ton!" she groaned, staggering slightly. "Let's get you to bed-"

At that moment, the glass panel of the front door also exploded and a small spatula clipped past Mathilde's ear. With a loud yell, she dropped Ryoga like a hot potato, who woke slightly upon impact with the floor, and whirled around. The spatula was embedded in the wall, with a small note fluttering from it. Of course, Mathilde chose to step forward and read the note instead of chasing after the window breaker and tying their legs around their ears. After a few seconds, she screwed up the note and tossed it to the floor, resisting the urge to throw a tantrum. Merde! Why is nothing going right! she swore inwardly. It wasn't fair! She hadn't failed at anything since that humiliating day when she'd lost Ukyo. A nasty aura surrounding her, she turned back to Ryoga.

But in the space of those few seconds she'd been reading the note, he'd gone.

End Part II

PART III

Happy Families.

"Ryoga-chan!"

Ryoga whimpered and pulled the covers over his head. Headache. Noise. Noise bad.

Undeterred, Keiko pulled the covers back, ready to issue a cheerful wake-up call. Instead, her eyes widened. "What happened to you?" she wailed in an almost hysterical tone.

Ryoga gave up and opened his eyes. Light zoomed through his skull and bounced off the inside of his head. "Owww…" he grumbled, sitting up slowly. "What is it?"

"Why are you bleeding?" Keiko asked, her lower lip trembling. "Who hurt you?"

Ryoga stood up and looked in the mirror, his head protesting vainly as he did so. He vaguely remembered falling out of the mirror and crawling into bed the night before and his trousers and face were still covered with blood. "Don't worry, Keiko-chan," he reassured her. "I slipped and landed on broken glass," he lied. He frowned, wondering why he didn't feel sleepy, then his gaze fell upon the moonrock bracelet on the bedside table. "Keiko, where did you get the bracelet?"

"I borrowed it from Skuld," she replied innocently.

Almost immediately, a voice echoed down the hallway. "Hey! Who took my bracelet!"

"I didn't want to wake her up though," Keiko added as an afterthought. "DO you have to work today?"

Ryoga shuddered, remembering the events of the night before. "Nope. Not today." And hopefully never again!

Keiko beamed. "So you'll train me?"

Urd poked her head around the doorway. "'Scuse me. Geez Ryoga, you look a mess!"

"Good morning to you too, Urd," he replied with a slight hint of sarcasm.

Urd ignored it. "Sorry to interrupt, but there's a note on the door. You've gotta be at the vacant lot where everybody has their duels at ten sharp."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? To witness the rematch of Ukyo and Mathilde to decide once and for all which one gets dibs on you. And have either of you seen Skuld's bracelet? She's doing her nut in looking for it," she added.

Mathilde stomped towards the vacant lot, furious and ready to use that fury to hack Ukyo's head from her shoulders as soon as the opportunity arose. You are soooo dead, Ukyo Kuonji. Dead as a doorknob. she thought grimly, marching into the lot. She did a pretty comical double take as she did so, amazed at the sheer number of people there. "Whu-?"

You're not the only one who can play with posters, Ukyo thought with a grin, before stepping forward. "Mathilde. I assume you've read the terms on which we'll be fighting?" she asked.

Mathilde nodded. "We fight to knockout with the weapon of my choice. Winner gets Ryoga for keeps." Ukyo nodded. "I choose to use swords."

"Oh goodie," Ukyo said cheerfully and picked up her spatula.

Mathilde blinked. "What's that for?" she asked warily.

"You use sword. I'll be using a spatula. Ready!" Without waiting for a reply, she attacked.

Mathilde hastily brought her sword up in defence. "You- you- that's cheating!"

"Is it cheating?" Ryoga asked from the sidelines.

Nabiki flicked through a sheaf of papers. "Nope. Just very carefully worded."

Ranma laughed. "That's sneaky. So Ucchan has a pretty good shot of winning this time."

"I hope she wins," Keiko said from around a mouthful of ice cream.

"You don't like Ukyo," Ryoga pointed out.

Keiko nodded. "And I don't like the French lady even more," she said cheerfully.

In the ring, Mathilde was recovering from her shock and began to retaliate with a fast flurry of blows. Ukyo managed to block most of them, but a few got past her defences, tearing at her clothing. She yelped and jumped back a little.

Mathilde smiled, feeling a surge of confidence run through her. "You really are a little cockroach, aren't you? Face it, Kuonji. You lost. He likes me now."

"Liar!" Ukyo spat, throwing several small spatulas at the other girl, who backed up at bit. "After you blackmailed him all week long!"

"You think I blackmailed him to do this!" Mathilde shot back, tossing something at her.

Ukyo grabbed it out of the air. It was a photograph. Showing… well, no prizes for guessing what. Ryoga felt his face begin to burn as he realised he'd forgotten Mathilde had CCTV in the restaurant for added security around the bar. Slowly, she crumpled it up, then hopped over the edge of the ring towards him. He backed away. "Ukyo, I can explain!"

CLANG

"Well, you'd better start explaining, pronto," Ukyo hissed furiously, lifting the spatula off his head. "Or I walk out of here and let you prance around in a bunny suit for the rest of eternity."

Ryoga turned an even deeper shade of red. "Umm…"

Much to everyone's amazement, Keiko decided to speak up. "She did too blackmail him! You think he cut up his own face himself?"

All eyes turned to her. Keiko glared at the object of her hatred. "She got him drunk and tried it on with him then got mad and cut him up when he tried to get away!"

"Uh… Keiko-chan… how… I mean…" Ryoga began quietly.

Keiko wrinkled her nose. "You STINKED of vodka. And you talk in your sleep."

Mathilde scowled and hopped over the edge of the ring as well, then slipped her arm around his waist. "Ma cherie, why deny the truth?" she purred. "Tell 'em otherwise and that brat sister of yours goes bye byes," she hissed in his ear.

"Uh…" Ryoga began, completely torn. If he agreed, Keiko would be safe, but Ukyo would brain him with her spatula and he'd be stuck working for Mathilde again. But if he disagreed, Mathilde would make good on her threat to throw Keiko in a home. But Nabiki…

Keiko exploded. "Will you just get your hands off my brother, you dirty old slut!" she yelled, punching Mathilde in the ribs.

"KEIKO!" Ryoga yelled in shocked amusement. "BAD girl!"

"Petite gosse!" Mathilde hissed, lobbing a punch in her direction.

CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG

"Don't you touch her!" Ukyo yelled, raining blow after blow upon her head.

"Hey, I hate you too," Keiko reminded her.

"I just saved your brother from a life of bunny suits and grass skirts," Ukyo complained, slightly put out.

"No you didn't!" Mathilde replied, popping up behind her.

CLANGCLANGCLANG

"Ow!"

"ARGH! Stay DOWN!"

"Now Keiko-chan," Ryoga began.

"Yes, Ryoga-chan?" Keiko replied with absolute innocence.

"About what you said then," he said in a meaningful tone.

Keiko grimaced. "About the French girl getting you drunk?" she asked, knowing fully well that wasn't it.

Ryoga shook his head. "About what you called Mathilde. Sweetie, I know you don't like her and I know you were sticking up for me, but you are not to use that kind of language again, do you understand?"

"I understand," Keiko said in a small voice.

"Even if they do deserve it," he added. Keiko giggled. Ryoga switched back to stern big brother mode again. "If she'd used a knife and not just her fists to attack you, you could've been really hurt," he said gently. "I don't want you to put yourself in danger for me."

She nibbled her lower lip, then nodded reluctantly. "OK."

"Good. Now before we do any training, do you think we should have some ice-cream first? A chocolate one? Before I starve?" Ryoga suggested.

"…OK, steady now… and go!"

Keiko bent her arms, then pushed away from the ground. Sky and grass floated through her vision for a brief second before she landed on her backside on the grass with a loud "oof!"

Ryoga laughed. "You need to push harder, Keiko-chan. You're not getting far enough away from the ground, that's why you keep falling over."

"But if I push harder, it'll hurt more when I fall," Keiko argued.

"If it looks like you're going to fall, I'll catch you," he promised.

Keiko nodded uncertainly, then flipped over so that she was standing on her hands. With a small grunt of effort, she bent her arms and pushed. Hard.

"Yeeeeeeek!"

"Maybe that was a bit too hard," Ryoga mused, grabbing her out of the air as she completed her 10 foot journey up then down.

"She gets a lot of height though," a voice behind them confirmed.

The two siblings screamed in unison, then spun around. With a small laugh, Ukyo waved at them and hopped off the garden wall. "Well, I've got-"

"Hey, could you please give me a hand back here!" a loud voice complained. "Not all of us are martial artists in Nerima!"

"'Scuse me for a second," Ukyo apologised, hopping back over the wall. A split second later, she reappeared with Nabiki Tendo in her arms.

"Why Ukyo, I never knew you cared!" Nabiki joked.

"Oh shut up and get off me, you idiot!"

Ryoga glanced at Keiko then plunked her back on the ground. "You keep practising," he instructed. Keiko ignored the instruction and tagged along behind him. "What's going in?" he asked the other two teens.

"Well, we've got good news and bad news," Ukyo informed him.

"Ah." Ryoga paused. "What's the good news?"

She grinned. "The good news is, you don't have to work for Mathilde-"

"WHAT! REALLY!" A happy-happy-joy-joy feeling swept through him and Ukyo felt herself being spun through the air at high speed. "Yippeeeeeee!"

"I'm going to be sick!" Ukyo wailed.

Keiko blinked. "I guess he REALLY didn't like the other girl," she said, stating the completely obvious.

Nabiki nodded in agreement, then stepped forward, clearing her throat. "Uh… there's still bad news, y'know."

"What is it?" Ryoga asked, finally stopping long enough for Ukyo break free. She took two steps forward, then fell over. "It can't be that bad, can it?"

Nabiki didn't answer at first. "Maybe we should talk inside."

"WHAT!"

Nabiki nodded. "She's really hates that kid now. After Ukyo finally managed to whack her out-"

"Half an hour later," Ukyo muttered.

"-She woke up and vowed she'd get BOTH of you for this," Nabiki finished. "So it looks like you're all on Mathilde's shit list, if you'll pardon my language."

A look of despair covered Ryoga's face. "So what are you going to DO about it! He wailed.

"Who said I was going to do anything?" Nabiki asked innocently.

"Na-BI-ki!"

"All right, all right. I'm only teasing," Nabiki said with a grin. The grin was instantly replaced by a serious expression. "The way I see it, there's-"

That instant, Urd flung the door open and smacked a kettle over Ryoga's head. "Couldn't have left the TV on, could you! I had to WALK back!" she wailed.

Skuld jumped out of the spout. "Walking's good for you. Get rid of a few inches around ouch!"

Urd placed the poor abused kettle back on the counter and sat down on the edge of the table. "So what's the party for?"

Nabiki directed her look of surprise from Urd to Ryoga. "I thought you said there wasn't anyone here who could act as a parent or guardian!" she said in an accusing tone, hitting him over the back of the head.

Ryoga peeled his face off the table and rubbed his head. "There isn't."

"But-" Nabiki began.

Ukyo stopped her. "You're not going to find Urd OR Skuld on any records, anywhere. They're goddesses."

"Ah." Nabiki nodded slowly. "All righty then."

"Anybody like to tell me what's going on?" Urd asked with interest.

"Nope."

"Fine," Urd complained with a pout. "I'm going to go watch TV. Skuld?"

"What?"

"You promised you fix it so I could get 24 hour soaps," Urd reminded. With a small groan, the younger goddess followed her out of the room.

"Besides," Ryoga pointed out. "Urd wouldn't make a very appropriate adult."

"I heard that!"

Everyone ignored her. "In that case, the only thing I can think of is to ask Kasumi if she would be willing to pose as her mother for a few days," Nabiki decided aloud. "I'd doctor some records to change her to Keiko Tendo, but she'd have to stay with us for a few days…"

"NONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ukyo tried with zero success to detach Keiko Hibiki from her brother's leg. "Look, it's just for a few days!"

"I DON'T WANNA GOOOOOOOOO!" Keiko howled louder.

"Keiko-chan, I'll come and see you every day," Ryoga pleaded, wondering if maybe he'd have to have her amputated.

"I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" With that, she managed to get one of her legs free from Ukyo's death grip and kicked her in the chest. Ukyo fell over backwards. So did Ryoga. Keiko immediately shifted her grip from his leg to his chest. "Please Ryoga, don't make me go I don't wanna go and stay with a bunch of strangers I wanna stay with you I don't wanna go!" she sobbed.

Nabiki shook her head. "Maybe you should come too?" she suggested sweetly.

"You couldn't have suggested that two minutes ago, could you," Ukyo grumbled, sitting up and rubbing her ribs. "That smarts!"

"Are you OK?" Ryoga asked, trying to dislodge Keiko's death grip around his neck.

Nabiki laughed. "I'm sure she's been hit by worse." She shot a glance at the two of them. Now, let's see if I can make this even more fun! "Hey, Ukyo. How would you like to be a part of this?" she asked innocently.

"What sort of part?" she asked suspiciously.

Nabiki grinned widely. "Well, The authorities will be looking for two siblings. How about you becoming a third sibling? That'll throw them off the track."

"You're kidding, right?" Ukyo asked in disbelief.

"Would I kid about something like this? You'll be Ukyo, Ryoga and Keiko Tendo, Nieces and nephew of Kasumi, Akane and Myself, orphaned children of a sister I'll make up. You'll all stay with us for a few days…"

"…Until they decide Mathilde's pulling their legs about them not having a legal guardian."

Akane nodded. "I'll do whatever I can to help," she said with determination.

Kasumi looked worried. "But it's not really RIGHT, is it? Surely if this little girl hasn't got anyone around to look after her, she'd be better off in a home?"

Nabiki shook her head. "She has got people to look after her. She spends most of day at school, firstly, and when Ryoga has to work, the goddesses keep an eye on her. Besides, she's Ryoga's sister! What could possibly happen to her!"

"But-" Kasumi began.

Nabiki sighed and turned her head towards the door. "Keiko, could you come here for a second!" she yelled.

Nothing happened.

"I'll be right back," Nabiki explained, and darted out of the door, reappearing moments later with Keiko in tow. Having anticipated that Kasumi would not be comfortable with the idea, she'd told Keiko to 'act cute.'

She plunked the little girl, dressed in pink denim dungarees, with her hair tied back neatly with a matching pink bow, in front of Kasumi. Keiko blinked, then smiled, the picture of innocence, and bowed her head. "Hi, Auntie Kasumi and Auntie Akane!"

"Awww… isn't she sweet?" Kasumi exclaimed.

"Now sis, tell me honestly. Now you've met her, could you really deny this little girl the right to stay with her big brother?" Nabiki said dramatically. "Besides, if you could, Ryoga would probably blow up our house with the green glowy thing!"

Kasumi basically ignored her, instead amusing herself by tweaking the bow slightly and cooing at the flowers embroidered on her dungarees. "What was that you said, Nabiki?"

Nabiki winked at Akane. "Got her!"

End Part III

PART IV

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles.

"So you are all the children of Hitomi Tendo, aged 34, who died a year and a half ago-"

"Why so long?" Ryoga asked.

Nabiki shot him a look usually reserved for the terminally insane. "Because if it was any sooner, you'd still be grieving, stupid. Now will you shut up!"

"Sorry."

"As I was saying," Nabiki continued, "It was June the twenty third. You came to live with us in July and you've been staying with us since." She narrowed her eyes. "Now, if you want to get away with is, you two-" she said, pointing first and Ryoga and then Ukyo, "are going to have to be a bit more normal."

The two in question swapped a confused glance. "What do you mean?" Ukyo asked finally.

"I mean THESE," Nabiki stated, pointing at her spatula and his bandanna. "They are character traits which you will have to get rid of before someone realises that Ukyo Tendo carries round a whole load of spatulas that she'd only really need if she was Ukyo Kuonji, owner of one of the most popular and spoken about restaurants in Nerima, and her brother Ryoga Tendo wears bandannas and carries and umbrella awfully like those that were used by Ryoga Hibiki to destroy half the town. In fact, a complete make-over for the two of you wouldn't be a bad idea," she mused.

"WHAT!"

Nabiki chuckled. "Don't worry, Ryoga. I just meant some different clothes. Not that there's anything wrong with what you both wear, but you might as well hold a sign saying 'My Name Is Ryoga Hibiki.' You'll be fine tonight, but I suggest you both go on a rapid shopping expedition tomorrow. And that mean's strictly girl clothes for you, Ukyo!"

Ukyo sighed. "OK. This whole thing is insane, but I'll do it."

Keiko poked her head around the door. "Ryoga-chan, what's for tea?"

Ryoga blinked. "I think it was chicken drummers…"

"No, we ate those on Wednesday."

"Then what did we bring with us?"

Keiko thought for a second. "Fish fingers."

"Then fish fingers it is," Ryoga pointed out. "Kasumi won't mind if I use the oven will she?" he asked Nabiki.

"No. But why don't you have tea with the rest of us?"

"We weren't sure if you'd already eaten," he pointed out. "So I brought some fish fingers, chips and… uh…"

"Pizza," Keiko finished.

Ukyo blanched. "You've been feeding her convenience food?" she asked.

"…Yes?" Ryoga replied blankly.

Ukyo looked horrified. "Can't you cook at all!"

"…Of course I can cook!" Ryoga exclaimed.

"I mean, really cook. Popping a frozen pizza in the oven doesn't count!"

"I said, I can cook," Ryoga insisted. "I'll prove it!"

"Go on then," Ukyo replied, calling his bluff.

"Fine! I will!" Ryoga jumped to his feet. "Where's the kitchen?"

"That way," Nabiki told him, pointing down the corridor. Ryoga raced off.

"Uh… Nabiki? The kitchen's the other way," Ukyo pointed out.

"I know. But any instructions I give him will be utterly wrong, won't they?"

"Go on, let me help you," Urd wheedled, floating around the kitchen behind Ryoga.

"I said no," Ryoga repeated. "I'm baking cookies and I don't want you to spoil them."

"I wouldn't spoil your cooking!" Urd protested, sounding shocked.

Ryoga whipped round and pointed a wooden spoon at her. "I beg to differ. Remember that chocolate cake you 'helped' Keiko make?"

"Uh…"

"Which turned me into a girl and tried to cop a feel?"

"Um…"

"Which then tried to summon up the devil through the fridge?"

"Ah…"

"And took four hours to kill long enough to get the ward on it?"

"Er…"

Ryoga shook his head. "I think I can manage on my own. I want to prove to Ukyo that I can cook, not that my cooking is capable of taking over a small country."

Urd sighed. "Oh all right then," she said with mock grumpiness. "So Ukyo gets first cookie?" she checked.

"Mm-hmm," he confirmed, hunting for the sugar.

Urd waited until he had his head in another cupboard before tipping a small bag of white powder into the bowl. Heh heh heh… this should make Ukyo a bit more tolerant of you!

Ryoga reappeared with a bag of flour. "Now go away! I don't want you to touch anything!"

Urd scowled. "If I wasn't being constantly made aware that my cooking sucks, I'd almost be hurt. Well, see ya!"

End Part IV

PART V

Ryoga, We Love You!

"Ha!" Ryoga slammed a plate of cookies down in the middle of table, almost breaking it. "Well?"

Ukyo looked at the cookies. True, they looked pretty good… She glanced up at him again and giggled.

"What?" he asked, slightly annoyed.

"You have flour on your nose." And butter in his hair and sugar on his shirt and more flour on his sleeve as well.

Abashed, he wiped at his nose with an even more floury hand. "That better?" Judging by the cackle and the way she fell off her chair backwards, probably not. "Fine," he said grumpily. "I'll let someone else eat them."

"Did I hear food being mentioned?" Ranma-chan said eagerly, charging in from her usual round trip to the pond. "Ooh! Cookies!"

"Want one?" Ryoga offered.

Urd shot into the room. Uh-oh! "Don't you want one first?" she asked Ukyo, snatching the plate away.

"Ukyo doesn't want a cookie. Let the human garbage disposal eat them," Ryoga grouched, snatching them back.

"NOT a good idea. Besides, didn't you say you wanted her to eat them first?" Urd persisted, grabbing hold of the other side of the plate.

Ryoga glared at her. "You didn't happen to DO anything to my cookies, did you?" he whispered.

Ranma-chan watched the exchange and shrugged. "Jeez, it's just cookies," she grumbled, grabbing one off the plate. "Who cares who eats it first?" Before Urd could stop her, she'd taken a large bite out of one. "Hey, good!" she exclaimed.

Urd gulped audibly, let go of the plate and ran. Ryoga blinked after. "Urd?"

And thus, another of Urd's true love plans had bit the dust. A powder specifically designed to be added to food, it made the eater fall madly in love with the cook. She'd tried using it several times on Belldandy and Keiichi but lately, Belldandy had taken to chasing Urd out of the kitchen with one of Skuld's inventions.

And now it was playing havoc with Ranma-chan's hormones. Blinking her eyes, she slowly turned her head and looked Ryoga down, up and down again. Those eyes, those fangs, those abs and muscles! What have I been missing all these years! Hubba hubba! Come to mamma, baby! her mind howled madly, clawing through her mind and picking ev-ery singly image of the many times she'd seen him naked…

"Uh… Ranma? Are you OK?" Ryoga asked nervously, stepping backwards and putting the plate of cookies down on the table.

Is he concerned about me? she wondered. "Ryoga… I never knew you cared…" she breathed happily. A stupid, sappy grin appeared on her face and she flung her arms around his neck. Before he could hit her/ scream/ hit her some more/ vaporise her/ blow up the house, she'd pressed her lips against his.

Ryoga froze.

Ukyo gawped, not even noticing as she ripped the tablecloth in two.

As no one tried to stop her, Ranma-chan took the opportunity to cop a feel. Not bad. Verrrrrrrry nice. Running one hand through his hair, she grabbed hold of his rear with the other.

Ukyo finally regained her senses and quickly realised that when Ryoga regained his, Ranma-chan would have the life expectancy usually associated with fruit flies. Short and none too sweet. She deftly unsheathed her spatula and swung back. "Sorry Ranma, but this is for your own good," she apologised, swatting the girl through the ceiling. Then she quickly turned her attention back to Ryoga, who was still frozen in exactly the same position, his expression a mixture of shock, terror and horror. "Uh… Ryoga? Sugar? You OK in there?" she asked nervously.

No movement whatsoever.

Ukyo was just beginning to wonder if braining him with her spatula would be wise or not, when he began to glow. She groaned. "Oh no. Not the glowy thing. PLEASE not the glowy thing again! Ryoga-hon, come on, snap OUT of it!" She swung her hand back and slapped him across the face as hard as she could.

Ryoga staggered backwards slightly and blinked at her, as if seeing her for the first time. "U-Ucchan!"

"I know you're upset, but pleeeeeeeease don't blow up the Dojo, OK?" Ukyo babbled madly.

Ryoga blinked a few more times, then looked at her with dismay. "I-I…" he began, then burst into tears, turned and fled.

"Ryoga!" she called, running after him.

Leaving the cookies unattended.

She stomped her foot in exasperation as she looked from left to right, seeing nothing. Dammit! He sure can be fast when he wants to be! she grumbled inwardly. Then she jumped backwards to the safety of the doorway as he ran past, waving a nasty looking sword aloft. "Ryoga!"

Ryoga ignored her, his mind focused on three vital things. 1. Ranma had kissed him. Kissed him and groped him and other things he didn't want to think about. 2. Ukyo had seen it. 3. Ranma had to die. Die as soon as possible, then he could cheerfully set about killing himself.

Ranma-chan made it easy, hopping over the back wall of the garden. "Darling!" she cried amorously, running towards him with open arms.

"PREPARE TO DIE!" he yelled, striking at her with the sword.

Ranma-chan jumped backwards, having come extremely close to being minus a vital appendage. "Darling, what's the matter?" she asked in confusion.

"Don't CALL me that! Stay still so I can kill you!"

Ranma-chan ducked under his arm and popped up inches from his nose. "Is something wrong?"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ryoga screamed in terror, jumping backwards.

SPLASH

Don't these love spells only work on members of the opposite sex? Ryoga-chan wondered from underwater. Part of her wanted to get out of the water to see if it was true in this case. If it was, then Ranma-chan would probably be more than happy to stand still and let her kill her.

On the other hand, she wanted to stay exactly where she was until she drowned.

Unfortunately, she was denied this highly attractive future when an arm reached into the water and pulled her out forcefully by the collar. She spat out pond water and blinked. Ranma-chan was gazing at her with an expression of deep concern. "Ryoga-honeybunch? Are you OK!" she wailed.

Ryoga-chan shrieked and stepped on a koi, falling over backwards again. Before she could hit the water again, Ranma-chan had hold of her by the collar again and yanked her forward. "Well, isn't this cosy," she purred, gazing into Ryoga-chan's terrified green eyes with red-hot passion.

Get away from me! she screamed inwardly, by this time glowing brightly enough to light up the entire backyard and most of the household, who'd ran outside to see what was going on. Ryoga-chan didn't see any of them. Instead, she pushed her arms out towards Ranma-chan. "SHISHI HOKODAN!"

A highly bruised Ranma, gender restored, sat between Ukyo and Akane, staring into a cup of tea. "So what happened?" Akane asked finally.

Ukyo groaned and repeated the story. "I bet Ryoga he couldn't cook. He bet he could, so he made some cookies. But that meddling idiot Urd put something in the batter and now Ranma's in love with Ryoga."

Akane fell over backwards. "WHAT!"

"You heard."

Ranma put down his tea. "It's not some artificially manufactured love," he protested and placed a hand over his heart. "My love for Ryoga runs deep, engraved in my heart and s-urk!" he finished as Ukyo backhanded him into the wall.

"Shut up," Ukyo said crossly. She turned her attention back to Akane, who picked up her own tea and took a sip. "Anyway, Ranma… uh… he…" She trailed off.

"Had the greatest kiss of my entire life," Ranma said blissfully from his position in the wall.

Akane choked and spewed tea across the room. "He WHAT!" She turned and looked at Ranma. "You KISSED him!"

Ranma sighed happily. "It was wonderful."

"Then Ryoga fried him," Ukyo finished.

"It may have come as a shock," Ranma said, the mushy, sappy look crossing his face. "But he'll soon get used to the fact that I love h-urk!" he repeated again as one of Akane's mallets flew across the room.

"Ranma no hentai," Akane muttered under her breath, although most of her being thought the whole situation bordered on hilarious. A sudden thought occurred to her. "Where are the cookies now?"

Ukyo stared at her for a looooooooooong moment. Then there was a loud scream from above them. With a yelp of shock, Akane dropped her teacup on the floor, where it shattered. Ranma peeled himself out of the wall. "That was Ryoga!" he cried. He struck a dramatic pose. "I'll save y-urk!"

Ukyo found her hair blown back in the slipstream of the Ryoga-chan shaped blur as she trampled Ranma down and ran out of the back wall, leaving a gaping hole in her wake. She blinked slowly. "What the…"

The sound of clamouring voices reached her ears and she cocked her head to one side to try and hear them better. Her eyes widened and turned her head to look at Akane. Judging from the look on her face, she recognised what they were saying too. "…"

That was the moment when four vaguely blurred figures ran through the room, trampled over Ranma again and ran out of the hole in the wall. Let's see now… Ukyo thought, trying to define the blurs. That looks like Nabiki… and Kasumi… yikes! And Mr Saotome too! And is that Mousse!

That was indeed who they were, and they were all screaming some variation of 'I love you!'

Two seconds later, Ryoga-chan carefully peeked around the edge of the shattered wall and heaved a sigh of relief before stepping inside. "That was TOO close!" she groaned, quickly checking behind her to make sure no-one had seen her go back inside.

"Darling!" Ranma yelled happily, leaping through the air towards her.

"YARGH!" Ryoga-chan screamed, and in one swift movement brought the largest mallet she possessed out of thin air and down upon his skull. Shaking, she stepped backwards, only to have someone tap her shoulder. "Hyyyiiiiiiiii!"

"Calm down, it's only me," Ukyo said quickly, jumping backwards before she could meet the same fate as Ranma, who was twitching slightly in pain.

"Where are the cookies!" Ryoga-chan asked urgently.

"Probably still in the other room," Ukyo said thoughtfully. "Akane, cou-"

"RYOGA, MY LOVE!" Genma cried, charging through the wall, arms outstretched.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

CLANG

Genma fell twitching to the floor as well. Ukyo leaned on her spatula. "As I was saying, Akane, could you get rid of the cookies while I fend off the admirers and call Urd."

"Will do," Akane agreed, running out of the room.

Ukyo looked up. "Ryoga, it's safe to let go of the light now."

"…If you see Urd, can you just tell her to get back here and fix things?" Ukyo asked.

At the other end of the telephone, Skuld groaned. "What's she done this time?" she asked in a long suffering tone.

Another yell from Ryoga-chan caught Ukyo's attention. "Hang on," she ordered, before turning around and prising Nabiki off the younger girl and swatting her through the roof. She turned back to the telephone. "Only made practically everyone in the house fall madly in love with Ryoga," she said sarcastically.

"I did not!"

Ukyo yeeped and dropped the telephone receiver. "Urd!"

Urd crossed her arms. "Maybe I made RANMA fall in love with him, but once you saw the effect, I would've thought you'd have the sense to get rid of the cookies!"

"We were busy trying to stop him MURDERING him!" Ukyo ranted, "while YOU disappeared into thin air!"

"Hello?" Skuld asked.

Slightly dazed, Ryoga-chan crawled out of her hiding place from under the table and hung up the phone. And was instantly glomped by Nabiki again. "Ryoga-chan! My darling-"

"HELP!" Ryoga-chan yelled, wriggling madly in Nabiki's death grip.

CLANG

Urd pouted. "I did not disappear into thin air! I went to get the cure." She looked down at the unconscious Tendo girl on the floor. "Unfortunately, they need to be awake for it to work."

Akane appeared around the corner. "The cookies are gone now. Now what?"

Urd grinned. "Don't worry. I know how to cure to your many admirers," she boasted.

"Oh come on!" Ryoga-chan wailed. "This can't be fair!"

"It's you they're after, so naturally, you'd make the perfect bait," Akane explained.

"But tying me up and hanging me from a tree!"

Mini-Urd shrugged. "I told you, they have to be conscious for the cure to work. But they're hardly going to be conscious if you keep beating them all up."

Ryoga-chan scowled. "I never laid a finger on Nabiki though - that was Ukyo."

Ukyo scowled back. "I wouldn't HAVE to do anything if you hadn't been dumb enough to let Urd in the kitchen while you were cooking!"

Ryoga-chan's eyes flashed with anger. "If my memory serves me correctly, YOU were the one who badgered me to show you I could cook! And I don't own Urd! I can't stop her fiddling with my cooking if she really wants to!" Her voice rose. "NONE of this is my FAULT!

Mini-Urd blushed. "He's right there, actually."

Ukyo sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry, Ryoga."

Ryoga-chan blinked and wriggled slightly so she could face Ukyo. "What?"

"I SAID I'm SORRY!"

Ryoga-chan frowned. "That's what I thought you said." And I still don't believe it!

"Hey, you-"

"Quit bickering," Akane said crossly, before Ukyo could retaliate. "Now shut up and hide!"

Ryoga-chan swayed slightly on the end of the rope, wondering what she'd ever done to deserve this.

Genma Saotome was the first to appear and being none too smart, didn't think anything of his beloved hanging from a tree. Instead, he rushed towards her with his arms wide open. "Darling!"

Ryoga-chan screamed hysterically and kicked him in the jaw.

Mini-Urd looked down at the unconscious man and sighed. "What did you do that for? I told you they have to be conscious!"

"Then cure them before they get close enough for me to kick!" Ryoga-chan snapped.

"I've only got little arms!" Mini-Urd protested. She smacked the girl over the head. "Now this time, stay calm!"

Ryoga-chan sighed glumly. "All right, all right…"

"Oh light of my life!" Genma proclaimed, recovering once again and leaping forward to embrace her.

Another scream, another kick and Genma was down once more. Akane groaned and slapped herself in the face. "Ryoga, if you keep doing that, this is going to take a reeeeeeeeeeeeal long time."

"Oh shut up!" Ryoga-chan wailed. "You're not the one hanging from a tree here with Ranma's father trying to kiss you!"

Ukyo frowned. "Why don't we tie Genma up and when he wakes up, give him the cure?"

"Or better yet, tie Ryoga's legs up too?" Akane suggested.

"What! Don't you DARE!" Ryoga-chan yelled.

"Then stop beating him UP!" the two girls yelled in unison.

At that moment, Genma woke up once more. "Sweetheart!"

"Waaaaaah!"

Seeing there this was going, Ukyo jumped forward and grabbed hold of her legs. Although she could quite easily swing the other girl around, Ryoga-chan stopped in mid-kick, her eyes wide with terror and Genma flung his arms around her neck, squeezing the air out of her lungs. Seeing her chance, Mini-Urd ran forward and popped a pill into Genma's mouth.

Genma froze. "ARGH!"

"And how do you think I felt!" Ryoga-chan snarled. "Let go of me, you great lummox!"

Genma fainted dead away. Akane dragged him behind the tree. "One down, four to go."

Ranma was the next to appear, approaching much the same way as his father had (what can I say. Stupidity must be a genetic disorder.) and meeting pretty much the same fate, although this time, Ukyo had the presence of mind to latch onto her legs the first time.

GLOMP

Gulp

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ranma screamed hysterically, running around in circles. "I KISSED RYOGA! OH MY GAWD! Somebody kill me! Somebody PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE kill me!"

Akane sniggered, as did Ukyo. "You looked like you were enjoying yourself at the time," the latter said innocently.

Ranma looked as though he was about to cry. "How could you let me DO that! I have to gargle with the toilet duck!" he wailed, charging back into the house.

Akane and Ukyo collapsed with laughter. Ryoga-chan pouted. "Well, I'm glad somebody finds my suffering amusing," she grumbled. Akane and Ukyo just laughed harder and Ryoga-chan scowled some more. "Thanks for the sympathARGH!" she finished, as the rope holding her up snapped in two.

Before anyone could react, Nabiki ran past, snatching her out of mid air and cackling madly. "Mwahahahahahahahahaha! Ryoga is mine!"

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

A sight straight from a horror movie, the most terrifying thing any of them had seen since Nabiki had found naked pictures of Happosai, the terror of the underworld, the horror of hell, the demon of the night blah blah, you get my drift.

Demon head Kasumi.

Nabiki and Ryoga-chan fainted dead away. Kasumi picked up Ryoga-chan and giggled happily. "Oh my. I hope I didn't scare anyone too badly," she apologised, before running away.

Mini-Urd morphed back to normal size and tossed a pill to Akane. "Give this to Nabiki when she wakes up!" she instructed, racing after Kasumi with Ukyo close behind.

Kasumi glanced behind her and jumped over the wall. "Oh dear. How vexing," she grumbled, her skirt swishing around her ankles as she ran.

Ryoga-chan groaned and woke up slowly. Oooh… bad dream… I dreamt I saw a demon head Kasumi, she thought blearily, opening her eyes. "Argh! Kasumi, put me down pleeeeeeeeease!" she wailed, kicking her legs frantically.

"Don't worry, Ryoga-chan," Kasumi said soothingly. "We'll be all alone soon-"

WHAM

Mousse appeared out of nowhere and delivered a quick roundhouse kick to Kasumi's jaw. "Ryoga belongs to me!" he proclaimed, catching her in his arms.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here, Ryoga-chan grumbled inwardly.

Mousse grinned down at her and popped a pill in her mouth. "There you go, my darling."

"What was that! Mousse, I swear if you've done something to me I'll…" Ryoga-chan paused in mid-rant and gazed up at Mousse as the look in her eyes changed from anger to adoration. "Darling!"

"Hurrah!" Mousse cheered. "Happy happy joy joy!"

KABLAMO

Kasumi put the lamp post back down. "How dare you hit me, you stupid duck!" she snarled, helping Ryoga-chan back to her feet.

"How dare you hit my beloved Mousse!" Ryoga-chan wailed.

Urd jumped over her head, landed in front of Kasumi and popped the cure pill in her mouth. Kasumi gulped. "O-oh my!"

"Just Mousse to go then?" Ukyo confirmed.

Ryoga-chan stood protectively in front of Mousse. "Don't you dare go near him! I won't let you touch him!"

Ukyo and Urd blinked in surprise. "What's up with her all of a sudden!" Ukyo whispered.

"Don't ask me!" Urd whispered back.

Mousse woke up slowly. "My darling!"

Urd pounced.

Mousse froze. Then he burst into tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How could I betray Shampoo like that!"

"Mousse-chan, please don't cry!" Ryoga-chan wailed.

Mousse shrieked and tried to run. Ukyo swung her spatula around and whacked him over the head. "You're not going anywhere until you tell us what you've done to Ryoga!" she hissed.

"How dare you hit my Mousse-chan, you stupid, violent, macho, crossdressing tom-"

CLANG

Ukyo sheathed her spatula and glared at Urd. "You know, this is beginning to get beyond a joke."

"Day pill!" Ukyo repeated. "What's that!" Keiko and Urd looked equally confused.

"Years ago, Happosai stole a bracelet from Cologne, which had three love pills in it," Akane explained. "When we found out what they were, Happosai ran out with the bracelet, but Shampoo had managed to get hold of one of the pills, which she fed to Ranma and he begged Cologne for a cure, instantly falling in love with her."

"Ewwww!"

Ranma shuddered at the memory. "Luckily it was the first pill, the instant pill."

"Which only lasted for an instant," Akane added. "Then later on, I swallowed the lifetime pill. But thanks to Ranma filling my lungs with sea water, I threw it up."

"Which left the day pill," Mousse cut in. "Shampoo never got Ranma to eat it, so it was at the Cat Café. I went back and got it." He glared at Ryoga, who was blindfolded and thus didn't see. "Now I wish I hadn't."

"So do I!" Ryoga grumbled. "Do you think I want to spend a day blindfolded!"

"Who cares what you think!"

"Who asked you, duck boy!" Ryoga snarled. He reached out and grabbed (what he hoped was) Mousse by the collar.

"Ryoga? I'm Ukyo. You can let go of my throat now," she said calmly.

"Whoops! Uh… s-sorry." He stammered, then stood up.

"Where are you going?" Ukyo asked.

"To bed. Then I don't have to worry about this dumb thing for at least eight hours," Ryoga replied.

WHAM

"You might want to watch out for that wall though," Ukyo added.

"Ouch."

"You really are a hopeless case, aren't you," Ukyo groaned, reaching down and picking him up by the collar.

"Thanks a bunch," Ryoga said, almost sounding cross.

Ranma sighed. "I don't suppose there's a potion that can make us forget what happened tonight, is there, Urd?" He blinked. "Hey, where'd Urd go?"

"Where'd my blindfold go?" Ryoga asked at almost exactly the same time, in another part of the house. He made the mistake of turning around to see if it had fallen off and maybe he'd stepped over it. And laid eyes upon Ukyo. "KAWAI!"

GLOMP

"ARGH!"

Urd tiptoed away, sniggering.

"That's got to be a first," Nabiki stated, staring at the scene before her. "The one time you DON'T give either of them a potion, someone else does one that works."

Urd nodded. "Although it's not entirely without fault," she pointed out, pouring a bucket of cold water over Ryoga.

She instantly switched her glomp target to Mousse. "Would you stop that!" he yelled irritably.

"Sorry," the goddess said sweetly and poured a kettle of hot water over her.

Ryoga glomped back onto Ukyo and gazed at her adoringly. "Oh har-de-har, reeeeeeal funny, Urd!" Ukyo said snappily, trying to make a convincing show of wriggling out of the death-glomp although a large potion of her vital organs was dissolving into a large mushy puddle inside her.

"Who votes we tie him back up to the tree?" Ranma suggested.

End Part V

PART VI

I Love Ucchan!

The next morning, Ukyo snuggled under her futon cover and yawned. What a weird dream, she thought fuzzily. I dreamt Ryoga was madly in love with me. She rolled over and bumped into something.

43

You have just woken up next to the Victim of Idiotic Love Spells, who is still asleep and purring happily in your ear. Do you

A. Pick up a large spatula, scream 'RYOGA NO HENTA,' and swat him though the roof,

B. Call for Giant Robo, or

C. Remind yourself that he's the victim of some screwed up love spell, forgive him this once and take advantage of the situation by snuggling closer and pretending to go back to sleep.

Ukyo put the spatula back down quietly and wriggled back under the covers. Part of her wondered why she hadn't chosen A and swatted him through the roof. The rest of her reminded her that it wasn't his fault for once, the Tendo's would kill her if they had to repair any more holes in the structure of the building but mostly that it felt reeeeal nice to be held so protectively. Of course, if anyone walked in, she'd have to-

"Hey Ukyo, breakfast's- WHOA!"

"RYOGA NO HENTAI!"

CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

Akane winced. "Ukyo… he's under a love spell, remember? There wasn't any need to swat him though the roof."

Ukyo stepped into the dining room and sighed. I suppose I'd better go look for that idiot before he gets himself hopelessly-

"Surprise! I made you breakfast!" Ryoga said proudly, popping up in front of her holding a plate with egg, bacon, mushroom and tomatoes.

"Yiiiiiiiiii!"

"Did I scare you?" he asked innocently. As Ukyo was trying to climb up the wall, it was a fairly decent guess that he had.

"Morning, Ukyo," Nabiki greeted her cheerfully.

Ranma blinked. "Man, he must REALLY be in love with you if he's cooking bacon!"

Keiko greeted the long-haired brunette with a nasty glare and stuck her leg out as her elder brother walked past. Ukyo ended up wearing breakfast. "Yaa!"

"Oh nooooo!" Ryoga wailed, frantically trying to brush mushrooms and tomato out of her hair, not even caring that he was wearing half the egg down the front of his shirt. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm really really sorry please don't hate me-"

"Ryoga?" Ukyo asked, sounding tired.

"Yes Ucchan?" he asked fearfully.

"Shut up." Ryoga clamped his mouth shut and nodded. Ukyo pointed to a clear spot of the floor. "Sit. And stay there."

Ryoga did as ordered, looking upset as she left the room again. Silently he began picking the broken shards of the plate, which had shattered upon impact with the ground, and placed them on the table. She hates me, he thought miserably, trying not to burst into tears.

"That was a DUMB thing to do," Ranma said scornfully.

He burst into tears. Keiko looked horrified. "Don't cry! Pleeeease don't cry! I'm sorry I tripped you!" she wailed, then started to cry as well.

"I guess being over-emotional runs in the family," Ranma muttered under his breath. Akane backhanded him into the wall. "What'd you do that for!"

"You are SUCH an insensitive JERK!" Akane reprimanded, leaning over the table and giving Keiko a hug.

Ukyo reappeared, wearing clean, food-free clothing. "Oh jeez," she groaned. "What happened here!"

"I think you upset Ryoga," Nabiki said calmly, pointing at him. The Lost Boy had buried his face into his crossed arms and was crying bitterly.

"But-but-" Ukyo stuttered, then with a look of surrender, flopped down next to him. "Ryoga-sugar, what's the matter?"

"I-I d-d-didn't m-m-m-mean t-t-to sp-spill y-your b-b-b-b-breakfast!" Ryoga finally managed to stutter out between his sobs.

Ukyo blinked helplessly. "That wasn't your fault - I'm not mad at you or anythin-"

GLOMP

"Ak!"

"I'm so happy!"

Keiko cried louder.

"Is this such a good idea, Nabiki?" Ukyo whispered doubtfully. "I don't really think I'll be able to get much shopping done if Ryoga keeps glomping me-"

GLOMP

Nabiki repressed the urge to snigger. It almost reminded her of Ranma and Shampoo, except in this case, Akane wasn't around to fend off the offending party. Although in her opinion, Ukyo didn't look nearly as annoyed as she should be. "You could always chuck a bucket of cold water over him," she suggested innocently.

Ukyo shook her head. "Mousse would kill him. Slowly and painfully. It's far kinder to both of them to keep him a guy." Nabiki nodded knowingly in a 'suuuuuuuuure. I believe you' kinda way. Ukyo scowled. "Really."

"Suuuuuuuuure. I believe you."

Argh! Ukyo wriggled slightly in Ryoga's death-glomp. "I don't suppose you could squeeze me with slightly less force could you, sugar? Have to breath. One of those bitchy necessities of life."

"Sorry." Ryoga settled for clutching her arm instead.

Nabiki sniggered. "You know what would be funny?"

"Gee, I don't know. Ice-skating mongooses doing the Lambada!" Ukyo said sarcastically.

"Showing this off to Matilda Tara-Tanya-Watsit," Nabiki suggested.

Ukyo nodded. "Yeah. Up until the point where she gets her sword out and impales me through the heart because I can't fight back due to the fact that I have a martial artist surgically attached to my arm!"

At hearing this, Ryoga looked crestfallen and slowly let go of her arm. "I'm sorry, Ucchan. I didn't mean to be a bother."

Ukyo began to feel like some kind of small, slimy creature you usually find in the back of the vegetable drawer of the fridge as she noted the forlorn expression on his face. "I was only kidding, sugar. I don't mind."

"You don't!"

GLOMP

"But not so tight!"

"What about this?"

Ukyo looked at the item in Nabiki's hands. "You're kidding me," she said flatly.

"What's wrong?" she asked, sounding hurt. "They're fifty percent off – and they're what I'd class as pretty normal clothing."

"Nabiki," Ukyo said quietly and pulling her over to the shop window. "They are hotpants. It's October. Look out there and tell me exactly how many people in this mall you see wearing hotpants who you would say are normal?"

"Errrr…"

"Thank you." A figure caught her eye and she backed away hurriedly from sight. "Tell me whether or not that's the Wicked Witch of the West out there!" she hissed.

"Nope," Nabiki said encouragingly. Ukyo breathed a sigh of relief. "That's her in here."

"WHAT!" Ukyo yelped, then covered her mouth. "We have to get out of here! Follow me," she hissed, dropping onto her hands and knees and crawling underneath a rail of skirts.

"But-" Nabiki began, still clutching the hotpants.

"Forget the damn hotpants already!" Ukyo reprimanded, tossing them aside. They were halfway to the door when she remembered Ryoga. Aw crap!

"Ouch," Nabiki mumbled, bouncing back a little. "Warn me next time you do that."

"Where's that goon Ryoga!"

Nabiki stood up cautiously and peeped over the top of the rail. "Over by the jeans, looking lost. Mathilde's seen him… she's walking over to him… now she's garrotting him with a pair of trousers…"

"She's WHAT!" Ukyo replied, popping up next to her. "Oh ha ha. You're a real comedian, Nabiki," she muttered once she realised Mathilde was not attempting to string Ryoga up with a pair of leopard-spotted leggings while security guards rallied round in a vain attempt to stop her, but actually seemed to be chatting quite calmly to him. Although judging by the expression on his face, he wasn't exactly turning cartwheels of joy upon seeing her. "Stay here," she ordered Nabiki. "I'm going to find out what's going on."

Finally, she was close enough to hear what was being said. "…Imagine running into you here of all places," Mathilde cooed sweetly, leaning against a pile of sweaters.

"Yeah, imagine. Gee, if only I'd know, I would've brought a suicide note with me instead of considering writing one on the wall with my blood," Ryoga cooed equally sweetly.

Ukyo muffled a snigger. Mathilde's smile wavered a little and she examined her fingernails. "How's Keiko?" If there was one thing Ukyo and Mathilde agreed on, it was that Keiko Hibiki was the most annoying thing since those plastic lids they put on coffee, tea and hot chocolate, which are specifically designed to explode down your clothes the second you try to open them.

"Keiko is fine," Ryoga replied warily. "What do you want, anyway?"

Mathilde shrugged. "Just wondered if you're still wanting to work for that tomboy, Ukyo-"

Bad words. Instantly, Ryoga was blazing with an aura that nearly set fire to the merchandise. "How dare you call Ucchan a tomboy! She's more woman that you could ever hope to be! Plus she can cook better, she's a lot friendlier and ten times – no, a HUNDRED times cuter than you!"

Mathilde blinked in shock, then scowled. "Anyone would think you were in LOVE with dumb ol' flat-chested-"

"I am," Ryoga said honestly, almost looking surprised that she would even consider otherwise.

"Half-woman… you WHAT!"

Ukyo almost fell over backwards. It's the pill talking! Remember it's the pill talking! she told herself sternly, a fierce red blush covering her cheeks. Oh man, he was going to HATE himself in the morning!

"I love Ucchan," Ryoga repeated.

Mathilde's mouth opened and closed for a few seconds before she managed to regain her speech. "Wait a second. You, that's you, Ryoga Hibiki, are in love with Ukyo, that is, Ukyo Kuonji, that's the tomboy with the gender cri-"

Ukyo decided it was time to make her appearance and popped up from behind the rack of clothing. "There you are, Ryoga! We thought you'd gotten lost!"

"Ucchan!" Ryoga turned cartwheels of joy.

GLOMP

Ukyo stuck her tongue out at the enraged French girl. "Tough cheeseburgers, honey. Looks like you lose!"

Mathilde glared at her and unsheathed her sword. "You're a real barrel of laughs, you know that? Prepare yourself!"

Ukyo groaned. Just what I need. Another duel against the girl with the Homer Simpson head. Microseconds later, the sword blade whistled past her ear. "Yeek!"

"Don't you dare hurt her!" Ryoga yelled, kicking her arm. The sword flew out of Mathilde's grip and impaled a pile of t-shirts on a nearby table. Without even pausing, he spun around on heel, delivering a hard roundhouse to her jaw. Instantly out cold, Mathilde fairly flew across the store. Luckily her fall was broken by the floor.

Ukyo sweatdropped. "I… think that's enough now, sugar," she said with a small, nervous-sounding laugh. And it took me half an hour to knock her out!

"You know, if you destroy each shop we set foot into," Nabiki reprimanded, "this is going to take a long time."

"Sorry," Ryoga apologised.

"Besides, I thought you didn't hit girls?"

"I don't hit NICE girls," Ryoga corrected. "Besides, I didn't hit her!"

"Good point," Nabiki decided, hoovering up the remnants of her strawberry milkshake. "Are we ready to hit the un-destroyed section of the mall yet?"

"In a sec-"

"Who left that handbag there! Argh!"

SPLASH

A glass of ice-cold lemonade hurtled through the air, landing on (as if you couldn't guess!) Ryoga. She blinked hazily for a second before coming to her senses. "What I doing HERE! I should be with my Mousse-chan!" she yelled, jumping to her feet.

"I knew there was a reason I ordered tea," Ukyo mumbled, poring the contents of her mug over the petite, lovestruck girl. "Although I'm pretty sure it was to drink."

Ryoga turned around and glomped her yet again, knocking them both other backwards. "I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I'll never desert you again!" he wailed.

Ukyo tried to fend him off. "I swear if you do that ONE more TIME…" she hissed through gritted teeth.

Instantly, Ryoga's eyes welled up. "You hate me!" he sobbed, before jumping to his feet and zoom out of the wall of the restaurant like a juggernaut, leaving a large trail of devastation behind him.

Nabiki leaned over and looked down at her. "That could probably be done with more tact," she suggested cheerfully.

"Grrr…"

"Although I suggest we go hunt him down before he does something drastic," the elder girl added.

"EVERYTHING Ryoga does is drastic," Ukyo muttered, sitting up.

"True, true." Nabiki looked serious. "But in all seriousness, what do you think the first thing the guy's gonna do if he's head-over-heels for you and thinks you hate him?"

"…Blow up the mall?" Ukyo suggested slowly.

Nabiki shook his head. "I think he would be FAR more likely to try and blow himself up."

"Oh…" Somehow, a part of Ukyo's mind realised that she was in a family restaurant with little children around. "Fiddle! Piffle rats flip and FIDDLE!" She leapt to her feet. "I'm gonna go find him! See ya!"

Nabiki looked around slowly as the other girl shot out the half-destroyed restaurant. Leaving her to foot the bill. "Shit."

Luckily for Ukyo, a charging Hibiki leaves a trail like a bull in a china shop and it wasn't that hard to follow. Unfortunately, he was a bit faster than she was. Dammit Ryoga! If you've done something dumb, I'll… I'll… she thought despairingly, skidding around a corner and through a broken wall, hopping over giant lumps of mortar.

Finally, she found him - irritatingly enough in the alley at the back of mall they'd left. Slumped against the wall and hugging his knees to his chest, he was crying even harder than he had that morning. Heck, he was even crying harder than the time Ranma had pretended to be his fiancee and when Aiko had died and that was saying something. She stepped forward quietly. "…Ryoga?"

Ryoga yelped in fright, and almost shot through the wall again but this time, Ukyo reached forward and snagged the back of his shirt, almost strangling him. "Oh no you don't, Hibiki! I'm not chasing you around half of Tokyo again!" she growled.

"Why chase me at all?" he sniffled.

"Cause I'm not having you do something idiotic because of some misunderstanding, sugar," Ukyo berated. She let go of his collar and turned him around so he was facing her. "Ryoga-hon, I don't hate you."

"You… you don't?" he whispered hopefully.

"Nope. BUT," she added quickly before he could crush her lungs again, "you have GOT to stop hugging me every ten seconds. You've got the strength of… of a darn'd gorilla and every time you do that, I feel like my ribs are being crushed!" she told him, but with a touch of humour to her tone.

"Sorry."

Ukyo grinned. "That's OK." She took hold of his hand and began to lead him out of the back alley. "Come on, sugar. Nabiki will be wondering where we are." Maybe it would be a good idea to ask Dr Tofu to sedate him until this darn pill wears off!

Clockwatching. Everyone does it. I'm doing it now, watching the numbers on my phone flick from 7:56 to 7:57. I betcha did it at school all the time, counting down the minutes until freedom. And Ukyo was doing, counting down the minutes to 5:52 or thereabouts, the time when quite suddenly, Ryoga would cease to love her.

Most of her (mainly the parts squeezed tight with too many killer hugs) was relieved. He'd be back to his normal dim self and everything would be the same again. Another part of her was disappointed, wanted to fussed over and loved. She watched the clock. 5:50.

"Are you OK, Ucchan?" Ranma asked curiously, turning his attention away slightly from the television.

Ukyo blinked. "Fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You're staring at the clock," Ryoga pointed out.

Ukyo laughed nervously. "I was just… ah… waiting for… for… something."

Ranma grinned knowingly. "Look on the bright side. It wears off all at once, not gradually, so once he's back to normal, you can hit him through the roof."

"Yeah, Ranma," she replied tiredly. "Whatever you say."

"Are you sure you're OK, Ucchan?" Ryoga asked worriedly.

She closed her eyes momentarily. Sure. I don't mind the fact that in about two minutes you're going to hate me. "Yeah. I'm OK."

"Oh." Ryoga looked at her with an adoring puppy-dog expression. "Can I give you a hug? Just a little one?"

"I… I guess so," Ukyo faltered.

He snuggled up to her happily. "You're so cute. I love you…"

Ranma sniggered slightly and Akane smacked him over the back of the head. "Don't know why you're laughing, baka! YOU asked Cologne to marry you!"

5:53.

All of a sudden, Ryoga fell off Planet Ukyo, passed through Cloud Nine and Seventh Heaven until he came plummeting back down to Earth. The sudden disorientation that came with the pill wearing off hit him and it took a few moments to get his brain back on line. Where am I? he wondered groggily. He turned his head slightly and the presence of Soun and Genma confirmed his suspicion that he was still at the Tendo Dojo. Sitting on the sofa, watching a dumb horror flick and hugging Ukyo.

Hugging… He turned his head a little more and gazed at her profile. God, she was cute! And he was hugging her. Hugging Ukyo. Finally his brain switched back on.

OH MY GOD! I AM HUGGING UKYO AND I AM STILL ALIVE!

With that thought, he fairly shot across the room in an attempt to continue surviving. "I'msorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry…" he babbled helplessly. "I didn't mean… I didn't know… I…I…"

"Welcome back to reality," Nabiki greeted. "And you owe me for the cost of repairing the wall to Joe's Café."

The events of the day came flooding back to him. "Oh NO! I can't BELIVE it!" he wailed. Ranma would tease him mercilessly about this! And god only knew how many other people had heard about it! Him, not only falling for Ukyo, which was semi-believable, but for MOUSSE as well! Yuck!

Unfortunately, Ukyo couldn't read his mind. "WELL! I'm SORRY being in LOVE with me was so HORRIBLE for you!" she yelled, bringing the table crashing down upon his skull. She scowled and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "I should've left you in girl-form to go chasing after Mousse!" she spat, stomping out of the room.

Ryoga scrambled to his feet and chased after her. "Ucchan, wait!"

"What!" she snapped.

"I didn't mean it like that," he started babbling. "I'm sorry! I can't believe that dumb pill made me fall for Mousse of all people, that's what I meant!" He twiddled his thumbs. "A-and I w-wanted to thank you f-for… for… what I mean is… I mean I-I… um…ah… err.." he stammered. I just wanted to say, of all the girls I had to fall for, I'm glad it was you was what he was actually trying to say.

"Ryoga, speak Japanese for pity's sake!" Ukyo groaned.

"Uh… sorry." He laughed in embarrassment and scratched the back of his head.

"That's better," she said cheerfully and sent him a smile that made him spontaneously combust into a small pile of ashes on the floor. "In that case, I guess I forgive you. A bit. Want to finish watching that film?"

Past coherent speech, Ryoga began to nod shakily, then paused. Something was wrong here… just talking to Ukyo should not turn him into a gibbering bundle of nerves. At least, not unless he was attempting to do something daft like asking her to take a lifetime vow against okonomiyaki. Must be the after-effects of the love pill, he decided. "A-actually, I-I thought I-I'd do some training before bed," he stuttered. "Y'know. In t-the Dojo."

Ukyo frowned. "Do you feel OK?" she asked curiously.

"Absolutely fine! Never better, heheh!"

"You sure, sugar? You seem pretty jumpy."

She loomed closer, looking at him in concern and his vocal chords packed in. With a strangled squeak, he jumped backwards. "I-I… I'll… I m-m-mean I… see ya!" he babbled and set off like a frightened rabbit before she could react.

Ukyo shook her head slowly. "That boy is weird," she sighed.

BakabakabakabakabakaBAKA! That is the last time I EVER try cooking real food with Urd in the building! The kata's were supposed to take his mind off the days events, but instead, in the silence of the Dojo, he found his thoughts going round in circles. I don't care how prettily Ucchan bats her eyelashes at me, I'm not cooking again! Ryoga thought angrily, lashing out at a punch bag. His mind wandered back to how she'd looked at him, concern in her eyes, asking him if he was OK, how she'd almost looked pleased with him when he'd cooked her breakfast, how…

WHAM

The punch bag swung back and hit him in the face, jarring him out of his daydream. "ARGH! What is WRONG with me!" he wailed, clutching at his head. "Why am I thinking like this!" He paused. The love pill! It had to be! But Ranma said it wore off straightaway… he remembered with a frown. But then again, Ranma only had the instant pill. Maybe the effects of the day pill lasted a little longer…? Right? That would explain why the sight of Ukyo made his tongue unravel to his knees and caused his brain to temporarily shut down. Why he wanted to make her happy. Why it hurt when she was mad at him…

But I never liked it when she was unhappy or angry. I hated it. I wanted to cheer her up. Ryoga paced slowly back and forth, deep in thought. That was true. When she'd been upset at losing to Mathilde, it tore him to shreds. When Urd had dropped the bag of affection powder and she'd told her father they'd get married on the New Year, then it had worn off and she'd been soooo mad at him. It hurt so bad. So he'd told her he'd think of a way to deal with it and she'd been happy again.

Yeah, but my tongue never tied up knots when I was talking to her before, he rationalised. So it must be the love pill.

All of a sudden, an idea hit him. "Of course!" There was easy way to see if was the effects of the love pill - become a girl and see if he could talk to her coherently then! He charged out of the Dojo, heading for the kitchen.

Well, the bathroom would do. Whichever he reached first.

A quick gender swap didn't leave Ryoga-chan feeling any more confident about the situation. The lack of any residing feelings for Mousse she could put down to having spent much of the day in her male form and chasing after Ukyo, but the lingering feelings for the girl were still there. Still, you don't get anywhere if you don't try, so she (eventually) found the TV room and marched in. "Hey, Ucchan!"

"Yes?" Ukyo turned around so that she was highlighted by the television screen. The effect was surreal. And very nice.

Ryoga-chan felt her face heat up. "Uhhhh…. nevermind!" she gabbled and quickly ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her and running up to the roof. The cold air would clear her mind, bring her back to her senses and give her time to rationalise why she was acting like a complete loon. She sighed and gazed at the stars. Sure, she'd liked Ukyo for a while now… but… but…

Then she realised what it was, The love pill. Now she knew what it was like to be in love, she could recognise the feelings. There was no longer any way she could excuse it. So does that mean I… NO! I can't be in… in… it's just not possible! Ryoga-chan seethed inwardly. She didn't NEED this now! She didn't WANT to be in love - she wasn't any good at it! It always went wrong! She'd finally decided she wasn't in love with Akane only to find herself head over heels for the one person who she felt was her best friend? Well, THAT screwed things up! "Ooh… Mousse is going to pay for this!" she growled, clenching her fist tightly and quickly running through the available options before settling on a plan of action. She beat up Mousse. She'd become a nun or monk or whatever, take a vow of silence and a vow of solitude and stay in her room and watch Pokemon re-runs on TV for the rest of her life.

As soon as she figured out the way there.

End Part V

PART VI

A Fool For Love.

"Yo, kiddiwinks! Wake up!" Nabiki strode into the room, banging a spoon against a large saucepan.

"I'm awake, I'm awake," Ranma groaned. Across the room, Keiko groaned and hid her head under the pillow in vain as Ryoga surrendered and sat up. Ranma continued to gripe. "You couldn'ta woken us up in a slightly nicer manner could you? Like maybe throwin' a couple of piranhas under the covers!"

"Oh, I'm SO sorry. I'll ask Akane if she can wake you up in future," Nabiki replied sweetly, stepping aside. Akane, who was standing directly behind her, let launch her bucket of cold water.

"Why you- whattya do THAT for!" Ranma-chan yelled.

"Old habits die hard," Akane shrugged. "I'll let you guys get dressed now. Ryoga, your school uniform's in the cupboard."

"School uniform?" he repeated blankly.

"It's what most normal people wear to school," Nabiki explained in a patiently slow tone usually reserved for foreigners and small children. "It's also what weirdo's IM-PER-SON-A-TING normal people wear to school."

Ryoga scowled at her retreating form as she left the room and quickly donned his new (and instantly hated) school uniform before helping Keiko with the fiddly bits of her sailor suit and following Ranma-chan down to breakfast.

"Good morning," Kasumi greeted cheerfully, serving out helpings of rice noodles. "Take a seat and I'll pour you some tea. The girls should be here in a moment."

Ranma-chan and Ryoga both glanced up as the door slid open. And did a double take. Ranma-chan's chopsticks slipped out of her hand and clattered to the tabletop and the cup of tea in Ryoga's hand shattered as his grip on it tightened.

Slowly, the camera pans up the figure standing in the doorway, starting at her shoes, slowly sliding up her slim legs to the top of her skirt, which somehow manages to be at least twenty inches shorter than regulation without being completely indecent, up to her waist, panning up to her chest… left, then right, then up and down a little more… yo cameraman! You can move up now! Then up to her face.

Jaws dropped to the ground. Ranma-chan was (obviously!) the first to regain her speech. "W-wow, Ucchan! You look great!"

Ukyo grinned and did a little twirl, the hem of the skirt bouncing dangerously. "You like it?"

"Of course they like it," Nabiki drawled. "They've only just managed to start speaking again. And here's a tip – don't bend over. But for an eleven-year-olds school uniform, it does fit pretty well."

"Oooh yeah!" Ranma-chan said unwisely.

WHAM went the mallet and Ranma-chan departed on her usual cross-country air trip across the Tokyo skyline.

Ukyo shook her head sadly. "Poor Ranma. I'm amazed he can ever say anything with his feet constantly in his mouth," she quipped, plunking herself down next to Ryoga, seemingly completely unaware of the steam he was certain was pouring out of his ears. "Morning," she said cheerfully.

"H-hiiiii…" he choked out, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him.

Ukyo looked at him carefully. "Are you all right?"

"F-fine! I guess I'm just not used to seeing you in girls clothes," Ryoga said quickly…

WHAM

…And kissed noodles. Akane winced in sympathy.

"Jerk," Ukyo muttered sourly, slurping up her own breakfast.

Ryoga lifted his head out of the noodles. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that, it's just I've never seen you looking… so… so…" he trailed off, looking flustered. And the noodle hanging off the end of his nose certainly didn't add to his dignity.

"So pretty? So bee-you-tiful? So stunning, sleek and svelte!" Ukyo suggested, striking a pose. Nabiki and Akane giggled.

"Uh… forget it," he grumbled, turning back to the noodles. They looked a lot less appetising with the imprint of his face mushed into them.

"No, really. So what?" Ukyo pressed, leaning in closer towards him.

"Nothing! It doesn't matter!" he babbled, edging away.

Keiko slammed her bowl down on the table, making them all jump. "I've finished," she said acidly. "Kasumi-chan, can I go to school now please?"

"Of course," Kasumi said merrily, picking the bowl out of it's dent and taking it into the kitchen. "I'll do the washing up when I get back – Akane-chan, could you make sure you all leave your empty bowls by the sink please?"

"I wonder what's wrong with Keiko-chan?" Ryoga mused aloud, watching them leave.

"EVERYTHING'S wrong with that child," Ukyo growled under her breath.

"Oh gee, would you look at the time!" Akane said quickly before Ryoga could retaliate. "We'd better be going."

Nabiki Tendo, as everybody knows, has attachments (and nasty little secrets) with almost everyone in authority. Which is why none of the teachers batted an eyelid at their 'new' pupils, who somehow looked remarkably like two of their other pupils, who funnily enough, weren't present…

Hinako-chan walking between the rows of desks, handing back English assignments and adding short comments as she did. "…Gosunkugi, you've still got a few glitches in the spelling, but you're doing better… Masaki, pretty good, but I couldn't read the bits covered in iodine…"

"Stupid Washu!" Tenchi grumbled under his breath, taking back his paper.

"Saotome, making your words extra big and leaving a line between each paragraph doesn't fool me!" she continued, then handed back Ryoga's work. "Smartass," she muttered.

Ryoga stuck his tongue out at her back. He's quickly realised his teacher had no sense on humour and assignments on anything other that what he was specifically told to do were frequently returned with the words 'B- stick to the subject!' on them. This one had A- and the words 'good, but please don't use as a doodle pad.' Ryoga frowned and flicked through the sheets of paper. Doodle pad?

Sure enough, there were the unconscious doodlings of a bored student. The usual block letters and stick people and graffiti-type slogans and little devils with pitchforks (or is it just me who does those?) and little scenes with extra bits added every so often… and Ukyos. Lots of them. Usually hitting small pigtailed Ranmas over the head, although there were a couple in sailor suits and several running across the page after tiny french women waving big swords. He turned a deep shade of scarlet. Oh my gawd! How long have I been doing THAT for! he wailed inwardly, quickly burrowing in his pencil case for a large black marker with which to obliterate them all with. He flicked back through the notebook, shocked to discover them going back almost as far as when he'd first started attending school.

Hinako-chan frowned. "Hi-Tendo, this is English class, not art class."

"Like it makes any difference whether I pay attention or not," Ryoga scoffed quietly.

Not quietly enough. "HAPPO FIFTY YEN SATSU!"

I'm going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut…

"So, 'Tendo,' how's things holding up so far?" Ranma asked amiably at lunch.

Ryoga gazed vacantly into space as his picked up a bit of okonomiyaki with his chopsticks, then let it drop, picked up a bit of okonomiyaki, let it drop, picked up a bit of okonomiyaki, let it drop…

"YO! WAKE UP!"

Ryoga yeeked and almost impaled himself with the chopsticks. Ranma caught the piece of airborne okonomiyaki and frowned at him. "What's up with you? You've been acting weird all day."

Ryoga shrugged casually. "Just thinking."

"That must be painful. What about?"

Like I'm really gonna tell YOU that! Ryoga fumed inwardly. If he told Ranma, the guy would NEVER leave him alone! "Just stuff," he said absently.

"What kinda stuff?" Ranma persisted.

"Just… stuff stuff, I guess."

A sly grin appeared on Ranma's face. "About Ucchan?"

"How'd you-! I-I mean, of course not!" Ryoga quickly corrected himself.

"You've been staring at her since lunch started," Ranma pointed out. He leaned on his hands, a look of interest on his face. "Something going on between you two? Hmm? Hmmmm!"

"Seeing as we're no longer even accidentally engaged, one would assume not," Ryoga replied sarcastically. Unfortunately.

Ranma frowned. "Just out of morbid curiosity, would you WANT to be engaged again?"

"With HER! Are you MAD!" Ryoga shot back, louder than he'd intended.

Recipe of the day. Baka Surprise. Instructions – Open mouth, then insert foot as far in as it will go.

"RYOGA NO BAKA!" Ukyo yelled, doing a passable impression of a Soun Tendo demon head and slamming the grill over his head.

"Owww…" he whimpered. "Hurt."

Ranma winced in sympathy. "That sure looked painful."

"That WAS painful," Ryoga growled. Then he paused. Of all the people who knew they were no longer even vaguely engaged, and with the excitement of late with various matters involving gender-swapping okonomiyaki and vengeful French women, they'd forgotten one important individual. Ukyo's dad.

Just because Ukyo thought he was a moron and he didn't have a snowballs chance in hell with her, didn't mean he had to make her mad all the time. If I tell him we're not engaged, she'll be really happy… he mused inwardly. And she'll probably be really grateful… maybe… He jumped to his feet and zoomed back into school to find a payphone.

Operation Make Ukyo Happy (OMUH) was underway!

"Well son, so what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Ukyo's dad said jovially, pouring himself a cup of tea and settling himself more comfortably on the vinyl café bench.

Ryoga gulped. Ukyo's dad looked like the kind of guy who wrestled bears for fun. He would probably be very happy to snap him in half, which was specifically why he'd chosen a seat near to the door.

Mr Kuonji didn't appear to notice his discomfort. "How's my little girl then? Looking forward to the wedding?"

Ryoga shifted uncomfortably. "T-that's what I wanted to speak to you about," he said, carefully thinking his words through before he said them. "I-I like Ucchan. I like her a lot… but I can't marry her." He braced himself.

Mr Kuonji mulled the words over in his head. "Why?" he said finally.

Ryoga picked up his glass of water and upturned it over his head. "Because I turn into a girl."

Mr Kuonji coughed and tea splurted out of his nostrils. "Whu-whu-whu…!" he wheezed, gazing at her in shock. Finally he recovered slightly. "Are those real!" he asked, pointing a finger at her breasts.

"They are very real," Ryoga-chan informed him.

Mr Kuonji looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well… my daughter has spent much of her life pretending to be a man… and you turn into a girl… I see no reason why that should make you want to call off the wedding."

Ryoga-chan fell sideways off the stool. "You what!"

"You both understand each other much more that any normal couple – and besides, it'll make the honeymoon that more interesting!" he explained.

A few important brain cells committed suicide. Perhaps this wasn't such a great idea after all. "But-but…" she began, trying to think of another reason. "I've been seeing someone else," she said quickly, remembering all the soaps she'd ever watched, where that seemed to be the main reason of any breakup. Especially if it was a relative or a worst enemy or a member of the same sex. "I've been seeing Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson behind her back."

The tea cup in Mr Kuonji's hand changed shape. "You've been seeing another woman behind my little girl's back…" he said slowly. "And not only that, but it's that little sewer-rat Mathilde!"

Gee, I see you've met her. Well, can't back down now. Ryoga-chan looked embarrassed. "Well, what can I say… heh heh! Guilty as charged and all that!"

The cup changed shape a little more. "You… you…" he growled, his face turning very purple. He unfolded from under the table and loomed menacingly over her. "I will have VENGANCE!" he roared.

Ryoga-chan decided now would be a good time to scarper. Screaming like a girl also looked very promising. "Eeeeeek! Help! MUMMY!"

The coast is clear. Ryoga popped out of the mirror with practised ease.

CLANG

Or maybe it isn't. Ryoga rubbed his head. "Hello, Ucchan."

"How DARE you call me that!" Ukyo raged, swinging her spatula back for another strike. "You JACKASS!"

Ryoga hopped into the air and landed on the flat end of the spatula. "What's the matter?" he asked, puzzled.

"Get off my spatula, baka!" she growled, flicking the sheet metal upwards so he was forced to leap off. "Daddy phoned a minute ago."

"And…?" he prompted, still confused. Surely she'd be happy now?

"You are such an IDIOT!" she ranted some more. "Did your brain MELT DOWN in school today! WHAT were you THINKING!"

Metal whistled past his ear and thudded into the wall. Nabiki poked her head out of the doorway and sighed. "Ukyo, much as I appreciate your overwhelming urge to annihilate him, could you please treat the building with a bit more respect?"

"What? What's going on!" Ryoga looked from one girl to the other, utterly bewildered. "I thought you be happy that your dad doesn't want us to get married anymore!"

Ukyo snarled. "Correction. He doesn't want YOU to get married. However, he's determined that I get married! Thanks to you, I've now been set up with every eligible guy my dad knows!"

"WHAT!" Ryoga crashed to the ground. "You're kidding!"

Ukyo brained him with the handle of her spatula. "Sure! I always kid about stuff like this! OF COURSE I'M NOT KIDDING, YOU HARE-BRAINED JACKASS! Of all the stupid things to tell him!"

"Well what was I supposed to say! Sure, I'll marry her… when hell freezes over!" he protested, leaping to his feet.

Ukyo stepped backwards, looking hurt. "Y-you hate me that much…?" she whispered.

"What! N-no… I…"

CLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

"WELL GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU THEN!"

"Oh gee, now THIS is a surprise," Ryoga muttered to himself somewhere in Japanese airspace, scaring the sparrows. "Why am I forced to constantly spend an hour a day flying through the air? In my next life, I swear I'm coming back as a pigeon."

"Well, we meet again," a voice said cheerfully next to him. "I don't suppose you've seen Darling, have you? Brown hair, about so tall, kinda gangly?"

Ryoga turned his head slightly. "Oh, hi. Lum, right? Sorry, still haven't seen him, I'm afraid."

"Good memory. You're the guy with the okonomiyaki-cooking fiancee, aren't you? What happened, she tried cooking you lunch again?" Lum questioned.

Ryoga sighed. Maybe a woman's opinion would be helpful here, and the oni alien didn't seem to want to electrocute him this time… "Actually… she's not my fiancee any more. Then I told her dad we weren't engaged and she screamed at me then kicked me through the roof."

Lum shrugged. "Sounds to me like she wanted to be engaged after all."

"It's not that," he said glumly. "It's because her dad decided she'd got to date all these other guys instead. I was only trying to help and now she hates me!"

Lum frowned. "Well, why do you care? If you're not engaged to her, it's not your problem any more."

"B-but I think I love her!" Ryoga clapped his hands over his mouth in horror. "Oh cripes, I said that aloud, didn't I!"

Lum blinked at him. "So you… were engaged to her, broke up with her, told her dad who then decided to make it his mission in life to get her hitched, THEN you decided you love her?"

Ryoga thought about it for a second. He was pretty certain he loved Ukyo… after all, that's why he'd braved the wrath of God and the fire of heaven and being chased by her dad waving a broken street sigh above his head. "Umm… yes?"

"Isn't that rather a backwards way to go about things?"

"You think I don't know that!" Ryoga growled. "I didn't plan this! I didn't even know I loved her until some idiot cast a spell on me yesterday!"

This guy almost makes my life seem normal! Lum thought about the situation some more. "So you want to know what to do, right?"

"That would be helpful, yes!" Ryoga replied with a slight hint of sarcasm.

Lum took a deep breath, circled around him and yelled in his ear; "TELL HER, STUPID!"

Ryoga glared at her, his head ringing. "I CAN'T!"

"Why not?" The alien oni crossed her arms and waited for a reply.

"…"

"See? There's no reason why you can't tell her! After all, what's the worst that could happen?"

"She could laugh? She could kick me through the roof and never speak to be again? She could rip out my heart, stick it in a blender and hit mach 2!"

Lum sighed. Earth men were sooooo weird! "You never know, she might like you too. But if you let her be taken out by all these different men, she'll think you don't like her, right?"

"Umm… right…?" Ryoga said slowly.

"And that's not going to make her like you, is it?"

Ryoga thought about this one. "…No?"

"So DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" Lum yelled. "Or she's gonna be swept off her feet by some new guy and there won't be a thing you can do about it! Do you WANT that to happen!"

"NO!" The power of the green-eyed monster flooded through him. Ukyo was his! (Although she was unaware of the fact!) He wasn't gonna let her slip through his fingers like Akane had. He was going to fight! He was going to tell her! He was… he was… going to be impaled by a TV aerial if he didn't watch out! "HELP!" he wailed, grabbing at the green-haired girl. Pity he didn't watch were he was grabbing.

"PERVERT!"

ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAKZAK

End Part VI

PART VII

Little Date

Ukyo paced madly up and down Akane's room, making the other girl feel rather dizzy. "Argh! I can't believe that baka! Why did he do it!"

"Because you told him to," Akane said sweetly.

Ukyo glared at her. "When! I don't remember-"

"After the affection powder wore off," the other girl cut in.

Ukyo gawped at her for a second. "H-how…!"

"I'm the sister of Nabiki Tendo. Need I say any more?" Akane scoffed.

Ukyo glared at her some more then sighed. "I thought he'd forgotten. I was going to tell daddy myself-"

"When?"

"Around about the year 2045." Ukyo resumed pacing again. "What am I going to dooooo! I don't want to be set up with some guy my dad picks – after all, he approved of Ranma!"

Akane bristled. "Ranma's not that bad-"

"Excuse me? 'Ranma no baka?' 'Ranma no hentai?' 'Ranma the insensitive jerk who has nothing better to do than criticise my cooking and my figure!'" Ukyo retaliated in a highly passable impression of Akane. "Who are you and what have you done with the real Akane!" she exploded.

Akane fumed. "Well, what about you! You're always calling Ryoga a hopelessly clueless, indirectional jackass, stubborn as a mule, twice as stupid and with less tact than a lobotomised politician, yet here you are, ranting and raving because he actually did what you told him to and broke off your engagement!"

"I was mad at him at the time! Then I calmed down, realised that if I had to be stuck with an idiot, at least it was someone I liked! Hold it against me, why don't you!" Ukyo snarled back. "I have a date tonight and believe me, I would much rather spend the evening playing Barbie with the Little Monster than go. So STOP CRITISING ME AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

"First of all, calm down before you blow a blood vessel!" Akane advised. She looked thoughtful. Then a fragment of the conversation floated through her head. "You like Ryoga!"

"I didn't say that!" Ukyo protested. Akane glared at her and Ukyo shrivelled up. "I-I… well, maybe just a little… well what's that got to do with anything!"

Akane smirked. "Go on the date. Dress to kill and make him suffer. That's what I'd do if I were you. Then you can concentrate on what to do next…"

A rather charred Ryoga staggered into the house after being dropped off (literally) by Lum, trying to decided whether he hated the alien oni or not. I hate my life.

This was the moment when Ukyo decided to blast him away with her new 'I'm Ukyo Tendo, Wild Child, Femme Fatel Bitch-On-The-Pull' outfit. Which was a leather strapless leotard, fishnet stockings, thigh high black boots and whip. Just kidding! She was actually wearing tight black PVC trousers and a red boob tube that looked painted on and stayed up through sheer willpower. Although you would've thought it WAS fetish gear by the way the poor guy's nose bled as he toppled over backwards. "I think it worked," she said cheerfully to Akane.

"I think you've killed him," Akane replied dryly.

"Promises, promises," Ukyo grinned. "I just hope he wakes up before-"

KNOCKKNOCK

Kasumi appeared, with Ukyo's Date, a guy who looked like Hikaru Gosunkugi without the dark circles and with long hair tied back in a skinny ponytail. "Ukyo, this is Yoshi, a master of Martial Arts Calligraphy. I hope you both have fun."

Yoshi apparently didn't have the shyness of Gosunkugi. He stepped forward and handed her a bunch of small pink roses. "Hey, babe. Let's get going while the night's still young," he oozed, eyeing her chest.

Ukyo resisted the urge to kick him through the roof. BABE! Instead, she poked Ryoga with her toe, sighed and stepped over him. "Would you like some tea first?" she asked politely. She had to make him stay until Ryoga woke up or it was useless!

Yoshi looked vaguely disappointed. "I guess so…"

Waiting until they'd disappeared, Akane slapped the unconscious guy several times. "Wake up!"

Ryoga groaned and opened his eyes. "Has she left yet?" he asked weakly.

"Not yet."

"Good." Ryoga hopped to his feet, charged up the stairs, into the bathroom, tipped a bucket of cold water over himself then ran into the Dojo and jumped on Ranma's head.

"What!" Ranma asked irritably, trying to look up.

Ryoga-chan landed in front of him. "OK Ranma, here's the deal. You are going to take me on a date and you are not going to say ANYTHING. I return, I will not fry you into a small cinder."

Ranma's jaw dropped. "Have you SEEN what you're wearing!" he hissed.

"I am very much aware of what I am wearing," Ryoga-chan growled.

Ranma's shocked eyes travelled over the blond, shoulder-length hair, down past the shiny black sleeveless top, down to the matching PVC hotpants - back up to that top… "Have you lost your mind!" he squeaked.

"Obviously! Now just shut up, would you!" she snarled, dragging out of the room by his hair.

For once, Ranma wisely decided to keep his opinions to himself. "Kasumi would've offered whatizface tea first - the kitchen's that way," he directed. The two of them carefully peered around the doorframe.

"…So this guy's like, in my face, all 'you call that martial arts!'" Yoshi bragged in between drinking his tea.

Ukyo forced a grin on her face and tried to glance at the doorway without being too obvious. Where IS that goon! she fumed inwardly. "So what did you do?" she asked sweetly, feigning interest.

"Well, I- aw gee, would ya just look at the time, babe? We'd better go if we wanna eat before we hit the clubs."

Yoshi stood up and took her cup away before she could protest and Ukyo was seized with an almost overwhelming urge to set about him with a large calligraphy brush. Instead, she smiled sweetly. "OK then." She would attempt to have fun. And if Ryoga didn't try and interfere, she would kick him through the roof again.

Ranma drummed his fingers on the tabletop in a dark corner of Joe's Café (Must be a franchise.) and glared at the girl opposite him. "I can't believe you're doing this – spying on her date," he said finally.

"You're hardly one to talk," Ryoga-chan scoffed. "Remember the time I went on that date with Akane? And you pretended to be my fiancee? And completely ruined what could've been the happiest day of my life!" she finished, with the Look of Death™ on her face.

Ranma sweatdropped. "T-that was different!"

"How so?" Ryoga-chan leaned forward, a look of interest on her face.

"…Never mind. What are you planning on doing?"

Ryoga-chan blinked. "….Actually, I hadn't thought that far ahead."

Ranma fell off the chair. "You what!"

"That's why I asked you along," she said innocently. "For teamwork." And everybody know teamwork means not having to take all the blame yourself.

"Hmm… well, why not go for the traditional approach then?"

"You mean drape myself all over him in the hope he'll like me better. Gee, now that's original!" she said, dripping with sarcasm.

Ranma scowled. "It works, doesn't it! I mean, look at what you're wearing! It won't take long to get his attention with that little get-up!"

Ryoga-chan scowled back, then sighed. "All right, all- Hey! Where'd they go!"

"Quick! After them!" Ranma yelled, grabbing her by the arm and dashing out of the restaurant, into the street, just in time to see the couple enter 'Insomnia,' the local nightclub. His gaze hardened. There's no way I'm leaving Ukyo in club like that with a guy who calls her 'Babe'," he said grimly, charging up to the door.

A giant of a bouncer loomed over him. "Ya'on da gest list?" he rumbled.

Ranma looked slightly confused. "Huh?"

"He asked if we're on the guest list," Ryoga-chan translated.

"Oh. Then no," Ranma replied.

"No gest list, NO ENTRY!" he roared.

Ranma scowled. "Get outta my way and let us in or else!" he growled.

"Ya wanna make summit afit, girlie boy!" the bouncer growled back.

Ryoga-chan rolled her eyes. "Now THIS is predictable," she mumbled as Ranma hopped back, spun round and clocked the guy on the chin.

Ranma grinned smugly as he crashed. "Heh. That'll teach ya to mess with Ranma Saotome," he bragged. "C'mon, Ryoga. We got work to do."

Inside was typical nightclub scene. Floor vibrated, music was deafening, strobe lights flickered, a heaving mass of bodies undulated on the dance floor while a huge crowd bellowed for attention at the bar. Typical stuff.

Of course, all this was totally alien to the two martial artists. Ryoga-chan scanned the interior helplessly. "Jeez… how are we supposed to find them among this lot!" she said with a hit of awe in her voice.

Ranma squared his shoulders. "I'll look on the dance floor, you look by the bar," he decided, disappearing into the crowd before she could protest.

Ryoga-chan sighed. I will not get lost, I will not get lost, I will not get lost… she repeated to herself as she unsympathetically elbowed aside anyone who got in her way. Fishing in the tight pockets of her shorts, she managed to locate some money. "Oi, gimmee a Blackcurrant Vodka Source!" she growled, naming the first 'girlie' drink that popped into her head.

The barman glanced her and frowned. "Got any ID?"

"Sure." She tapped a bar stool, breaking it in half. "There's my ID." Silently, he handed her the bottle. Ryoga-chan took a swig. Hmm, not bad actually. She folded her arms on the bar and leaned forward. "You seen a guy here, 'bout this tall, ponytail looks like a rat tail, with a girl in a red sleeveless top and black trousers?"

The barman looked at her in disbelief. "Chick, I've served a zillion customers tonight. You expect me to remember just one!"

"Thanks for nothing," she scowled, turning her back on him.

The guy standing next to her leered appreciatively and slung an arm around her shoulders. "Well, hi beautiful. Fancy a dance?"

"Buzz off, creep," Ryoga-chan muttered, scanning the crowd in the faint hope of spotting Ukyo or Ranma.

"Gee, I'm only tryna be nice, you don't hafta be like that," he growled nastily and grabbed her by the wrist. "I think you'd better give me somethin' t'apologise."

"Sure, I'll give you something!" she snapped and flung him through the air. "How's a broken nose sound to you!"

"You little !" snarled one of his mates (who looked as though he was in training for sumo) and waddled forward. "Someone outta teach you a lesson!"

By this time, Ryoga-chan was really spoiling for a fight. "Bring it on, tubby!"

Tubby threw a punch at her, which she easily dodged. Jumping over his head, she casually kicked out and Tubs flew forward, crashing into the wall. This was the instant sign for a free-for-all. Bottles went flying, as did bar stools, tables and people.

Ranma sauntered over and dragged Ryoga-chan out of the centre of the general melee by the back of her shorts. "And just how do you think you're going to find Ukyo if you go getting yourself into fights!" he scolded. "And you've gone and lost that wig too! That was expensive!"

"Moi?" Ryoga-chan said innocently. "Did you find her?" she continued before Ranma could ask whether moi meant 'not me, surely!' or 'who the hell do you think you are, pencil-neck!'

"No," Ranma sighed. "And I think we'd better get out of here before they try and make us pay for this!"

"Don't look at me! The only thing I broke was the bar stool!" Bickering cheerfully, they left, leaving a trail of carnage behind them. Just in time to see their intended spying victims leave the building across the road. Ryoga-chan smacked Ranma under the head. "You idiot! We've been looking in the wrong place!" she yelled.

"What d'ya do that for! We found them, didn't we!" Ranma yelled back, jumping up onto the roof. "Follow me! It'll be easier to keep track of them from up here!"

Meanwhile, Ukyo pretended to be having fun, although she was by now heartily sick of listening to Yoshi's continual bragging. If possible, this guy was more arrogant that Ranma and Kuno mixed together! She feigned a yawn. "I'm pretty tired – I think I'll be heading home now," she lied.

"Why don't you crash at my place?" Yoshi suggested instantly. "It's pretty close by."

"I don't think so," Ukyo declined quickly. NO WAY ON EARTH IF YOU WERE THE LAST SURVIVING LIFE FORM ON THIS PLANET!

"Aw, c'mon babe! I show you a good time and you just wanna bow out on me!" Yoshi grabbed hold of her by the arm and spun her around. "How 'bout a goodbye kiss then?"

"Let go of me, you…!" Ukyo snarled, preparing to slam him into LEO when…

…Somebody hurtled down from the roof, slamming into his head, feet first. "Get your hands offa her, you dirty creep!" Ryoga-chan yelled. I hate men who treat women like dirt! she seethed inwardly.

"Ryoga!" Ukyo had never felt happier. (Except for when Ranma had first called her cute… and when she'd one first prize in the District Okonomiyaki Championships… and when… never mind.)

Ryoga-chan gulped and turned around slowly. "Umm… hi?"

Much to her surprise, she found herself engulfed in a killer hug. "I can't believe you really did that!" she cried happily.

"You're not going to kill me for knocking out your date!" she asked in disbelief.

Ukyo grinned. "Are you kidding! I could kiss you!"

Ryoga-chan turned scarlet. So what's stopping you! she wanted to ask, then remembered how she was currently dressed.

Yoshi rose to his feet, shaking with anger. "You… you… INFIDEL!" he howled, pointing at her. "You messed up my HAIR!"

Ryoga-chan blinked slowly. "That's… what hairbrushes are for."

"You must be Ryoga Hibiki, right?" Yoshi said with a scowl. "I get why she dumped ya now – a fiance who's more girl than guy!"

Ryoga-chan stomped on his head. "I'm more man than you could ever hope to be!" she yelled angrily.

Yoshi jumped to his feet. "That's it! CALLIGRAPHY MARTIAL ARTS SPECIAL ATTACK!" he roared, leaping into the air, brandishing a calligraphy brush, with special effects going in the background.

Which instantly winked out of existence as he drew a beard and moustache on her face. Ryoga-chan stomped on his head. "Call that an attack!"

Yoshi scrabbled in his pocket and withdrew a bottle if ink, which he dipped his brush into. "Actually, THIS is the attack," he admitted, brandishing the brush and writing 'cat' across her arm.

Ryoga-chan looked at her arm, looked at him and stomped on his head again. "Ha ha. Good attack."

"I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET!" he yelled and waved the brush again. Seven more brush stokes gave her three ink whiskers on each cheek and a black ink nose.

Ryoga-chan looked at Ukyo, who shrugged helplessly. "Don't look at me, I don't know what the attack's supposed to do," she admitted.

Yoshi laughed. "You wait, chick! You come beggin' for help soon enough!" he bragged, vaulting over Ryoga-chan's head, swiping with the brush once more and running away, cackling madly.

Ryoga-chan scowled. "Marvellous. I've been used as a doodle-pad by a manic who needs art lessons." She grumbled, stepping forward under a streetlight.

Ukyo gasped. "Oh My God!"

End Part VI

PART VII

Ink Blot!

Nabiki blinked slowly. "What. On. Earth. Is. That?" she stated simply.

Ryoga-chan sighed. "It's ink."

"I mean THAT!" she replied, pointing with her chopsticks."

Ryoga-chan turned around. "That would be ink too."

"But… what IS it!"

"I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a tail," the other girl said with a sigh. "The guy who drew it wasn't much of an artist."

"Riiiiiiiight." Nabiki nodded slowly.

"But how can you have a tail made of ink?" Akane asked curiously, peering curiously at her. "How can you paint ink on thin air? It's not possible!"

"Sure, Akane," Ryoga-chan huffed. "Tell it to the tail."

Ukyo re-entered the room, wearing clothing slightly more suitable for the time of year, closely followed by Kasumi. "Still, it IS ink, so it should wash off," Ukyo decided, standing aside to let Kasumi past.

"…Wha- Kasumi, what are you d-doing…?" Ryoga-chan backed away as Kasumi advanced on her, armed with a scrubbing brush and soap and a very disturbing grin.

"I'm just going to try and get that ink off you," Kasumi explained, and pounced.

SHKSHKSHKSHK

"WAAAAAA! THAT HUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRTS! KAS-UUUUUUMIIIIIII!" Managing to wriggle out of Kasumi's grasp, she fled upstairs to wash the soap off. Akane, Nabiki and Ukyo followed after taking the time to glance at each other.

There was a short silence.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kasumi blinked. "Maybe I should've told them Ranma was in the bathroom?"

The basic doodles - the tulips, moustache, beard and Nazi swastika had washed off easily, but the whiskers, black nose, tail and the word 'cat' hadn't. Scrubbing hadn't worked. Neither did bleach, turpentine or Jif. Kasumi had to be forcibly restrained from using Hydrochloric acid but everyone else agreed it probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

Ranma looked at the now-male Ryoga and shuddered. "That is so gross," he muttered.

Ryoga scowled. "What's your problem! It's not like you're the one with ink on your nose!"

Ukyo drummed her fingers on the table. "Seriously though, I don't see what this technique is supposed to do other than make you look like a complete twat."

The only thing that stopped him bursting into tears with that comment was the thought that he'd look an even bigger twat than he did at present.

Keiko tossed a ball of wool into the air and caught it in her right hand. "Maybe it's supposed to make you ACT like a cat," she suggested, rolling the ball of wool across the floor towards him.

Ranma shuddered again. "Yuk! You start acting like a c-c-cat and I am SO outta here!"

"Oh pu-leese. Saotome, you are such a wimp!" Ryoga snorted.

Ranma simmered. "Oh yeah! Here speaks the guy who's scared of smphgh!"

Ukyo blinked. "Of what?"

"Uh… hehehe! Nothing!" Ryoga slowly lifted his hand away from Ranma's mouth. "Say another word and I'll kill you," he hissed.

"Ryoga-chan isn't scared of anything in the world!" Keiko sniffed haughtily.

Ranma's eyes flickered around the room and he quickly pounced on something. "Except…" he stated, opening his hands, "these."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Ranma looked slightly surprised as Nabiki joined in with Ryoga's shriek. "Feh. Girls are such wimps," he snorted, watching them both cling to each other in terror.

"A-a-a-arachniphobia is a p-p-pretty c-c-common f-fear," Nabiki stuttered, edging away. "N-now g-get rid of it!"

Ranma looked at the spider in his hands. "It's only a little one-"

"Oh, come on, Ranma! Did they exploit your fear of cats!" Ukyo scolded.

Ranma's gaze hardened as he recalled how Nabiki had hung cats off him when she'd discovered his fear. "Actually, yes," he growled and thrust the spider forward.

Ryoga and Nabiki screamed again before clinging hold of the ceiling. Well actually, Ryoga was the one grimly holding onto the ceiling. Nabiki was grimly hanging onto him. "You let me fall and I'll get every single penny you own," she whispered in his ear.

With a small sigh, Keiko stomped Ranma into the ground and put the spider out the window (after being redirected several times by Kasumi). "It's OK now, it's gone!"

The two landed back on the ground. "Ugh. I HATE creepy crawlies," Nabiki shuddered.

Ranma looked highly pleased. Not only did he have something to use if Ryoga tried to use his fear of cats against him (not that he had so far, but it never hurts to be cautious!), but now he had a defence against Nabiki too!

Akane frowned. "The ink's spread," she observed.

"What?" Ryoga tried to stop hyperventilating and pay attention. Ugh. Spiders were sooooo gross!

"She's right," Ukyo confirmed. "It's on your hands now."

Ryoga looked at his hands and hmmed thoughtfully. Sure enough, his hands were completely black. "Probably rubbed off my tail," he decided allowed. "Just my luck it'll only rub off back onto me!"

Ukyo frowned. Somehow, she didn't think that was the answer…

"Aw come on! You can't be serious!"

Ukyo gritted her teeth and pulled harder. "You… are… going… to… school… and that is THAT!"

Long grooves appeared in the asphalt where Ryoga's fingers had dug in. "But everyone will laugh at me!" he wailed.

Ukyo readjusted her grip on his ankles. "I don't care! I have to go to school, so you're going too, got that!"

"I thought I was supposed to impersonating a 'normal' person," he grumbled.

"So?"

"So how many normal people do you know with ink tails!"

"Like you were ever normal to start with!" Ukyo scowled.

Ryoga let go of the pavement. "What's that supposed to mean!"

Unprepared for this response, Ukyo fell over. "Ouch," she grumbled, sitting up. "I mean, what normal guy can rip a tree in half with his bare hands, blow up rocks with one finger and has the depressive force of a small nuke, eh? Plus what normal guy gets lost walking out of the room and turns into a girl?"

"…" Ryoga digested this statement quietly. "Oh," he concluded. (Although a conclusion is merely where you arrive when you get tired of thinking) Well I guess that could've been harsher.

"Now get moving before we're late!" Ukyo grabbed hold of his tail and pulled.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That HURTS!"

Ukyo quickly let go. "How can it hurt? It's just ink?" she wondered aloud.

"I don't know how it did but it did!" Ryoga snapped irritably. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

Much to Ryoga's surprise, although many students stared, nobody questioned. (This was due the charms - and threats - of the infamous Nabiki Tendo!)

However, the teachers were another matter entirely.

After English class was over, Hinako-chan walked slowly around him with narrowed eyes. "Ink, you say?"

"Yes Sensei."

"There's a sink over there. Wash it off," the tiny teacher finally decided.

Ryoga groaned. "It won't come off!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"I said right away, Hinako-ma'am!"

Washu ran through the door and skidded to a halt. "Oh Ryoooooooooga…" she began sweetly, swaying towards him.

Ryoga backed away hurriedly. "If it's Jif, we already tried it."

Washu looked shocked. "You think I, the greatest, most powerful - and cutest - scientific mind in all the know galaxies would resort to using cheap household cleaning materials? I have something far superior in mind! Behold!" She presented a large bottle. "The all-new Ex-Ink 2000!"

Ryoga peered closely at the label. "It say's Pepsi Max."

Washu blinked and examined the label. "Oops." She chucked the Pepsi Max into hammerspace and produced another bottle. "Behold! Ex-Ink 2000!"

Ryoga cast the bottle a wary look. "What's it made of?"

"Nitric acid, hydrochloric acid, sulphuric acid, some other acid I forgot the name of, bleach, TCP, sulphur, potassium, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree… a bit of this, a bit of that," she finished, advancing on him with a large cloth.

"W-wha… and you expect me to let you put that on my face! No way!"

"Actually, I expect you to scream and struggle and try to make a break for it, which is why I've brought my patent tentacled-Tenchi- trapper into school…" The machine in question loomed over Ryoga and wrapped itself around it. Unfortunately for all the gals reading this, Washu had disabled the mechanism that would've ripped all his clothes off, leaving him in his boxers. Ah well. Maybe another day.

Hinako-chan howled with laughter. "This is better than that twelve-hour Sailor Moon special I saw the other week!" she cheered, opening a bag of popcorn.

Ryoga struggled madly. "Please Washu! You can't do this to me! There are laws! Let me go! Little Washu PLEASE!"

Washu halted. "Y-you called me… Little Washu! Oh happy day!"

Whilst the small scientist was floating in a land filled with chirping birds, pink clouds and little crabs (Washu has a crab fetish in case ya didn't know) Ryoga took the chance to bust the tentacled machine and make a break for it. Zooming out of the classroom, he skidded round corners and charged through doors with Washu in hot pursuit…

A few corridors away…

Mathilde smiled cattily at her opponent. "Ah, Ukyo-kun! Fancy seeing you in girls clothing! I really didn't think you knew how to wear it!"

Bitch, Ukyo seethed. She quickly painted a smile on her face. "Better than you, if Ryoga's reaction the other day is any indication."

"Meow! Watch out for those claws!" Mathilde hissed lightly, quickly masking a frown. "You're really campaigning for Bitch of the Year now, aren't you?"

"And as reigning champion are you jealous?" Ukyo shot back.

"Of you? Oh pul-leese. What do you possibly have that I could be jealous of?" Mathilde scoffed.

"Cooking skill, looks, bigger breasts!" Ukyo proclaimed proudly, jutting her chest out. "And of course, Ryoga," she added. It wasn't technically true but that didn't matter so long as Mathilde believed it.

Mathilde scowled. "OBVIOUSLY the only guy a cross-dressing weirdo like you has of nabbing would be one who's even more mixed up than you are!"

Before Ukyo could retaliate, a speeding blur hurled down the corridor, flattening the lilac-haired French girl. Ukyo reached out and snagged it by the back of the collar. "Where are you in such a hurry to get to?" she questioned cheerfully.

"Hide me!" Ryoga hissed in terror.

"I said hide me! Before Washu leaves me looking like Nicholas Cage after they took his face off!"

Ukyo winced. "Gross. Ok… um… in here!" she commanded, shoving him into a cupboard.

Mathilde began to sit up, rubbing her head as she did so, only to flattened once more by Washu. She skidded to a halt in front of Ukyo. "Have you seen Ryoga anywhere?"

"Who, me? Nooo! Of course not!" Ukyo lied.

"That's strange… I'm sure I saw him come this way… Ah well. He's probably in China or something," Washu decided.

"I'll keep an eye out for him," Ukyo promised.

Inside the cupboard, Ryoga sighed with relief and leaned against the wall. Thank you Ukyo! he thought to himself, closing his eyes.

Insey wincey spider, climbing up the wall, One leg forward, eight legs forward - oops! Now watch him fall!

It wouldn't have been so bad if it was a small spider. Like a money-spider. Or even an undersized daddy-long-legs. Unfortunately, this was a daddy-long-legs who enjoyed his meals. Dangling from a long string of web, eight little legs alighted upon Ryoga's shoulders.

There was a pause. Then the door of the cupboard exploded outwards impressively.

Mathilde sat up slowly and eyed the carnage distastefully. Then Hinako-chan ran over her. "What's going on here!"

"S-s-s-s-spider!" Ryoga stuttered from his perch on Ukyo's right shoulder.

"WHAT! Where!"

"In the cupboard," Ukyo informed her dryly.

"AGH! SPIDER! HELP! SAVE ME!" Hinako-chan screamed, jumping up onto Ukyo's left shoulder.

"Do you two MIND! I am NOT an anti-spider perch!"

"Don't let it eat me!" Hinako-chan howled.

"The ink's spread again," Ukyo commented after they'd gotten a safe distance away from the eight-legged horror.

Hinako-chan nodded. "It's on your ears now too… you get any ink on me and I'll report you!"

"It only spreads on me," Ryoga grumbled.

Ukyo hmmed thoughtfully. "I wonder what's making it spread…"

"That is a question that can only be answered by the greatest scientific mind in the galaxy!" Washu cried, popping up behind them and making them all jump. "When I had you attached to the Tenchi-trapper, I inputted data that allowed me to observe the level of chemical activity in your body. I observed that several chemical levels increased when you saw that spider and got scared and they acted as a catalyst with the ink." She leaned in closer. "This means there is something in the ink that causes it to spread when the catalyst is added."

Ryoga and Hinako-chan looked confused. "Say that again,. But this time can you use the version with big writing and pictures?" Hinako-chan asked after a few seconds pause.

"She said that whenever he gets scared, the ink spreads," Ukyo translated. She turned to Washu. "Do you know what's in the ink that makes it spread?"

"No. He escaped before I could look into it," Washu said sadly, before perking up again. "But if you could just hold still for a second…"

"Oh no you don't!" Ryoga cut in, backing away hurriedly. "You're not tying me up any more!"

"But it's so kinky!" Washu joked.

Hinako-chan looked from one to the other. "Can I watch again?"

Unknown to them, a passing student had overheard the tail-end of the conversation and ran off to tell his friends. (I'm a Rumour Weed! Yes it's true! I'm a Rumour Weed! Oo oo oo!)

Ryoga hopped to his feet. "You're not getting me back near that machine!"

"Oh yeah!" Washu hopped to her feet too. The Tentacled-Tenchi-Trapper loomed up behind her. "Get him, TTT!"

Ryoga ran.

10 minutes later…

"I wonder if it's safe yet…" Ryoga wondered, peeking out from behind the tree he was hiding behind. Then another question pooped into his head. "I wonder if I'm still at Furinkan!"

"Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news!"

Ryoga yeeped and spun around. "Mathilde! Are you trying to scare me to death!" he exclaimed irritably.

Mathilde grinned and lolled against the tree trunk. "The good news is you're still in Furinkan. Bad news is, yes, I AM trying to scare you to death." She reached into a pocket and withdrew the biology lab's pet – Terry, the Mexican Red-Kneed Tarantula.

Ryoga froze. "W-where did you get that!"

"What, Terry?" Mathilde asked innocently. "Biology. Of course you won't have met him yet, being a chemistry student yourself. So I think you two should be introduced!"

"G-get that t-thing AWAY from me!"

Mathilde batted her eyelashes at him. "What? Surely a big strong guy like you isn't afraid of a little-well, medium spider?" She held Terry out under his nose, suppressing a snigger when he jumped back. "Something wrong?"

"Ryo- oh, there you are!" Ukyo glanced down. "Why Matilda. Is that your head I'm standing on?"

"Why you lousy, no good sexless testosterone driven OUCH! Let go of my hair, you bitch!"

"Who're you calling sexless, you tart!"

"You, ya flat-chested-"

"FLAT CHESTED! Mine are bigger than yours, you-"

"HA! In your dreams!" Mathilde spat.

"Oh yeah!" Ukyo snarled. "Ryoga, which one of us has the biggest breasts!"

"…WHAT!" Ryoga backed away hurriedly. "Leave me out of this!"

Mathilde looked smug. "It's not like the question even needs to be asked. It's OBVIOUS which of us has the bigger breasts-"

"Of course. Me."

"Feh. As if. You're just jealous 'cause some of us use our bodies-"

"Instead of our brains!"

"Eee! I'll scratch your eyes out!"

Ryoga shook his head slowly. "I think I'd rather take my chances with Washu," he muttered, walking away. Mathilde and Ukyo continued to scuffle in the dirt.

"You know, there's one way to settle this," Mathilde scowled. "Ask boys opinions."

"You sure you can remember all the guys who've seen your breasts?" Ukyo scowled back.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

Mathilde fumed, then settled down again. "We'll hold a contest. To see who has the better body. Best out of three."

"What kind of contest did you have in mind?" Ukyo asked cautiously.

Mathilde shrugged. "Seeing who can sell the most okonomiyaki with her name on? A swimsuit contest? Seeing who can pick up the most guys in a week? Stuff like that."

Hmm… I can beat her in a swimsuit contest, no problem! And with all these guys my dad's setting me up with, I'm bound to win! She doesn't have to know I'm not really picking them up as long as I date them! "OK Tompson, you're on!" Ukyo said decisively.

Mathilde nodded. "Contest one, a swimsuit contest."

"Contest two, see who can date the most guys in a week," Ukyo added.

Mathilde narrowed her eyes. "Just a moment! How are we going to prove it!"

Ukyo pondered for a moment. "Witnesses?" she suggested slowly.

Mathilde shook her head. "Witnesses can be bribed. How about… their telephone numbers?"

"That'll work. And for the third contest?"

"Oh, I have an idea about that one," Mathilde said sweetly. "Whoever can kiss Ryoga first!"

Ukyo blinked slowly. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!"

"What's the mater, chicken?" Mathilde taunted quickly.

"I'm not chicken!" Ukyo hissed. "You're on!"

End Part VII

PART IIX

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy!

Ukyo lolled back in her throne and plucked a grape from the overflowing tray held by the toga-wearing Italian male slave and let the Egyptian guy on the other side fan her with the giant leaf. Two Canadians (whose names were NOT Terence and Philip, thank you very much!) fought for the right to offer her a glass of red wine as a scantily clad David Duchovney massaged her shoulders. (Oh I like this fantasy! Me next, Mulder-baby!)

Mathilde stumbled through the gold doors, wearing a patchy brown outfit that looked like it had been dragged through an oil slick and holding onto a large stick for support. Her hair had faded to an off-pink colour and stuck out at all angles. "U-Ukyo… please, you can't do this to me any more…" she whined.

"Oh, just watch me, sugar!" Ukyo purred smugly.

"But…"

Ranma burst into the room, wearing (bits of) a fireman's outfit and knelt down in front of her, squashing Mathilde in the process. "Ucchan…" he breathed, taking hold of one of her hands. "I'm sorry I dumped you… can you ever forgive me? I will carry out your every bidding, be at your beck and call… you can consider me your toy if you only give me back the right to cover you with whipped cream and strawberries and lick it all off again…"

Mathilde pushed Ranma off of her and stood up shakily. "You can't…"

Before she could continue, Ryoga ran into the room, (almost) dressed in a policeman's outfit and knelt down at Ukyo's feet, again squashing Mathilde. "Ucchan… I know I've done some silly things in the past, but that's only because I can't think straight when you're around. You're all I can think about and I love you with all my heart." He took hold of her other hand and gazed worshipfully at her. "Please give me another chance… just say the words and I'll be there, and we can do that thing with the chocolate body paint and maple syrup again."

"No way!" Ranma protested. "She'd rather have me lick whipped cream off her!"

"Nu-uh!" Ryoga shook his head. "She'd much prefer to have me lick maple syrup off her!"

"Boys, boys!" Ukyo stood up and held her hand out to one of the guards, who handed her a whip. "Now play nice!"

Ryoga and Ranma turned to face her. "Ukyo, tell us the truth," Ranma said sternly. "Which do you prefer?"

Ukyo froze. "Which… do I… prefer…?" she repeated slowly.

"Yes. Tell us which one you like the best," Ryoga replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "We won't wait forever."

Mathilde limped out of the room. "You were right… you ARE the sexier one," she muttered. Ukyo didn't hear her. Her mind whirled with confusion. Which do I like best! But- but- I don't- I mean, I loved Ranma for ages… so I should choose him, right? But Ryoga's so much nicer to me than Ranma ever was - well, most of the time!

"Come on Ukyo," Ranma growled, tapping his foot. "What'll it be? Whipped cream or maple syrup?"

Ukyo blinked. "You mean which sex-food do I like best!" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes!" they both snapped. Ranma ran forward and grabbed her arm. "Whipped cream, right!"

"No, Maple syrup," Ryoga argued, grabbing her other arm.

"Whipped cream!"

"Maple syrup!"

"WHIPPED CREAM!"

"MAPLE SYRUP!"

"ARGH! STOP IT!" Ukyo screamed, covering her ears…

WHAM

And waking up in her futon in Akane's room with a mallet on her head. "Ouch."

"Shaddup," Akane growled, withdrawing her mallet. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"

Ukyo rubbed her skull and mused for a moment. "Akane?"

"What?"

"Which do you like best, whipped cream or maple syrup?"

"Whipped cream. Now go to sleep!"

Ukyo nodded slowly. "Thought so."

"Surprise!" Kasumi chirped, exiting the kitchen. "I made western style pancakes!"

"Hurray!" Keiko cheered. "I love pancakes!"

"Me too," Ryoga replied, licking his lips and spearing several with his fork. "Mr Tendo, could you pass me the maple syrup?"

Ukyo dropped her plate, stunned. All eyes swivelled to stare at her and she giggled guiltily. "Oopsy."

"WAHHHH! I'll have no plates LEFT at this rate! OH THE HUMANITY!"

"Oh grow up, daddy," Nabiki muttered. "Pass me the syrup when you're done with it, Ryoga."

Ukyo sat up slowly and stared vacantly at the pancakes, maple syrup pooling lazily down the sides, oozing into the dip as the knife cut into then, watching as Ryoga stabbed the small slice and lifted it to his mouth…

"Yo, space-out!" Nabiki prodded her in the side and jumped backwards as the younger girl shrieked and dropped the plate shards. "I only asked you if you wanted maple syrup," she muttered.

"Uh, sure! Why not!" Ukyo squeaked nervously. Out the corner of her eye she watched Ryoga lick a bit of runaway syrup off his wrist and she quickly screwed her eyes shut. Hentai!

"Kuo-Tendo, are you paying attention!"

Ukyo stopped staring out of the window and snapped out of her trance. "Uh… yes, Mr Aioshima!"

"Then would you like to answer the question, please?" The history teacher fixed her with an expectant gaze.

"Oh. Yeah. Sure thing." The young chef unfortunately had no idea what he was talking about, having spent the entire lesson trying not to think about a certain young man drenched in maple syrup, with little success.

She jumped as Ryoga whispered in her ear. "Oh! Tom Hanks!" she said confidently. Ryoga groaned. Mathilde snickered and raised her hand.

"Yes, Tara-Thompkinson. Maybe you'd like to tell us whose name appears first on the Declaration of Independence."

"John Hancock," Mathilde said smugly.

Ukyo turned around and glared at him. "I knew that!" she hissed. "Why did you tell me Tom Hanks!"

"I said John Hancock! You need a hearing aid!" Ryoga hissed back.

"You two. I believe you know where the buckets are."

Ukyo finally managed to shove the strange fantasy to the back of her mind and glared at her companion. "This is your fault, you know," she muttered.

Ryoga's inky-black tail twitched. "MY fault!" he asked, slightly incredulous. "How!"

Ukyo sniffed haughtily and glared at him. "Because-" she faltered suddenly. She could hardly tell him he'd been distracting her in a daydream! "Because it is, that's why!" she finished decisively.

"Fine. Whatever." Ryoga leaned back against the wall sulkily and scowled.

Ukyo glanced at him, noticing that his expression and dark green eyes only helped to make him look even more feline than before. "That ink sort of suits you," she said aloud.

Ryoga blinked and gaped at her. "What?"

"I said it kinda suits you," Ukyo repeated. "I hate to say it, but that git Yoshi actually picked a pretty good animal to doodle on you."

"…You said I looked like a complete twat."

"It doesn't actually look all that bad - and it's not like he gave you a pig snout or something…"

Ryoga simmered, the anger towards his old curse rising up. "Are you saying you think I'm a pig!" he snarled.

"No! I-I'm just saying it could've been a lot worse! You look cute as a cat!"

Ryoga keeled over. "WHAT!"

"Ak! I-I didn't say that!"

"You did," he pointed out. A hopeful smile flickered around his mouth. "Did… did you mean that?" he whispered.

Ukyo scowled. "Sure. Dream on, kitty!"

"Hmph." Ryoga slumped against the wall again, wondering how on earth he was supposed to get rid of this dumb tail and deciding that whoever it was who'd decided that women were from Venus was right. He was beginning to wish they'd stayed there too. Scratch coming back as a sparrow in his next life. Amoebas had it a lot easier. Or maybe Algae. That sounded good too.

Ukyo glanced sideways at him again. He actually did look pretty cute as a cat but that didn't mean she preferred him to be one. "Watcha thinking about?" she asked casually.

"Amoebas," he answered without thinking.

Ukyo blinked slowly. "O-K." One day I'll understand you, Ryoga Hibiki. But it looks like it won't be today.

Ryoga trudged along... some road, kicking up gutter trash that was in his way. After being spider-setup again my Mathilde, his ears had turned blacker and he'd run away trying not to scream until he was out of school. Problem, was, he didn't know where he was now and his ears were still black. He'd toyed with the idea of doing down on his knees and begging Ukyo to phone Yoshi, but she'd said earlier that she had a date tonight and to tell Kasumi not to fix her any dinner. Sure. It was fine for her to go out on dates, she wasn't the one with whiskers. He scowled to himself, knowing that his whiskers didn't bother him that much unless people pulled them to see if they were real. It bothered him more that Ukyo was going out on a date with a strange guy and actually seemed enthusiastic about it. He kicked a Pepsi can into a telephone pole (which buckled and fell down behind him) and scowled some more. "This sucks."

"Oh my gosh! Darien, is that tail real!"

Ryoga whipped around and stared at the black cat sitting on a dustbin. "Salem?"

The cat blinked slowly. "Um... you're not Darien, are you?"

"No. You're not Salem either," Ryoga concluded, twirling a whisker. "You're a girl."

"Oops." The cat debated whether or not to hightail it out of the area when Mina skidded around the corner and nearly tripped over the fallen lamppost. "Luna! Don't run off like that!" she scolded, picking up the black cat. Then she caught sight of Ryoga.

Twelve seconds of complete silence passed by.

Then she started laughing.

"Go ahead. Laugh," Ryoga muttered. "I'm getting used to it now."

"I'm sorry!" Mina giggled. "It's just, you look so funny!"

"Thank you. May my misery be for the amusement of all." Ryoga turned his back on her and continued playing football with the trash.

Mina blinked and jogged after him. "What's up with you? You're not usually this grumpy..."

"I'm/ he's not Darien," Luna and Ryoga informed her.

Mina clapped her hands over her mouth. "Oh I'm sorry! I thought you were someone else! I would never have laughed if I'd known! I'd probably have just stared for a while," she babbled.

"That makes me feel so much better," Ryoga lied.

"Well now that's sorted, we'd better go," Luna ordered. "Bye!"

"Don't be so heartless, Luna!" Mina scolded. "We can't just leave him like this, it must be soooooo embarrassing!"

"It is," Ryoga muttered under his breath.

Luna sighed the sigh reserved for sighing at the clinically stupid. "I've seen this sort of thing before. What you need to do is confront your fear."

Spiders creeped across Ryoga's mind. "W-what if I can't?" he gulped.

"The ink will spread until it covers your entire body."

"...Then what?" Mina asked curiously.

"Nothing. He'll just look even sillier than he already does," Luna finished cheerfully.

"Good luck with that," Mina said with a smile. "Bye now."

Ryoga blinked slowly as they walked away. "Thanks for all the help!"

End Part IIX

PART IX

A Boring Bit In The Middle.

"I am sooooo interested in Martial Arts Breakdancing," Ukyo lied.

The skinhead opposite her grinned. "Not many girls are," he told her, before launching into a tactical description of the moves involved. Ukyo tried to stay awake.

"Oh my, is that the time?" she pouted. "I have to go now."

"But it's only six o'clock," he protested.

"Early curfew. It was either that or choose being grounded for two weeks," she lied smoothly. "But can I have your number? I'll give you a call."

"Sure. Just let me write it down."

Score one for the good guys!

"What ARE you doing?" Akane asked finally.

Ryoga pointed across the Dojo floor. "Y-you s-see that spider over t-there?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"You want me to get rid of it?"

"No. I'm going to go over there and pick it up," he explained. "If I can overcome my fear of spiders, the ink'll go away. The cat told me."

"Sure, Ryoga. Do whatever your Rice Krispies tell you to," Akane said sarcastically.

"It's worth a try, isn't it!" he snapped irritably.

Akane mused over that for a moment. "But you've just been sitting there," she pointed out.

"I'm going to do it in stages," he told her, sighing glumly. "At the moment I'm still trying to stop shuddering in fear."

"I'll help you!" she said happily. With that, she jogged across the Dojo and picked it up, then walked back.

Ryoga skitted backwards hurriedly. "T-t-that's c-c-close enough!"

Akane scowled. "I'm three meters away."

"Th-three meters too close!"

"Oh don't be such a wimp!" She held out her hands and sighed with exasperation as he jumped backwards. "Just come over here and touch it."

Ryoga laughed a laugh that bordered on the slightly hysterical. "There is no way you're getting me to touch that!"

"You want to get over this stupid fear don't you?" Akane snarled. "You wanna be a real man! Get over here and touch it!"

"No way."

Akane stamped her foot, her volatile temper rising steadily. "You're not setting a foot out of this Dojo until you do as I tell you," she warned him advancing steadily.

Ryoga backed away until he had his back against the wall. "Please Akane I've changed my mind I don't wanna do this any more..." he whimpered, digging his fingers into the wood behind him.

"Don't wanna do what?"

The two teens turned and faced Nabiki, one face registering irritation and the other intense relief. Ryoga took the chance to flee and cowered behind the elder Tendo girl. "S-she's trying to g-get me to t-touch the spider," he hissed.

"She's WHAT!" Nabiki exclaimed in horror, dropping her tape recorder and leaping to the relative safety of Ryoga's arms. "Get it AWAY!"

"All right already," Akane muttered, flicking the spider out of a window. "What did you think we were doing?"

"Something kinky," Nabiki admitted. "I wasn't going to blackmail you or anything though," she added hastily. "Gosh, is that the time? I have STUFF to do!"

"Do you know where I could get a pet lemur?"

Ryoga looked up from his homework and blinked slowly at his sister. "A pet what?"

"Lemur," she repeated innocently.

He blinked again. "Why on earth would you want a pet lemur?"

The door opened with a bang and Ukyo strode in, a fake grin pasted on her face. "I sure had fun tonight! What did you do?"

"Homework," Ryoga replied, trying not to rise to the bait. Keiko muttered something under her breath that could've been 'piss off' but he couldn't be certain.

"We went to see a movie and had dinner at that new sushi place downtown," she continued, neglecting to mention that it had been with a different guy each time. A small smirk began to creep across her face as his tail stiffened angrily.

"Great. I'm glad you had a good time," he said with fake cheerfulness.

"If I had a pet lemur I could train it to bite people I didn't like," Keiko said loudly.

"That I don't doubt for a second," Ukyo muttered. "Could you buzz off squirt? I'm trying to talk to your brother."

"I'm asking him a question," Keiko retaliated. She turned her attention back to Ryoga. "So can I have a pet lemur?"

"I'll think about it," Ryoga lied.

"I was with Roshi, he's a master of Martial Arts Origami," Ukyo continued lightly. "He folded the menu into a bird and it chased the waitress around the restaurant. It was so funny!"

"Really? I guess you had to be there." Ryoga flicked over the page in his exercise book and continued writing.

"Can I have a pet penguin then?" Keiko cut in quickly.

"Nope."

"He made me a paper rose out of a napkin AND brought me a bracelet!"

"I couldn't be happier for you."

"How about a pet rat?"

"And he- a pet rat! GROSS!"

The pen shattered in Ryoga's hand and he turned around slowly. "If you two don't mind, I am stuck on question 3b and I would like a little quiet in which to concentrate," he said through gritted teeth, ignoring the ink that was running down his hand. "And no Keiko, you can not have a pet rat. We already have a dog with five puppies."

Sensing the tension in the air, the two girls guiltily edged towards the door. Keiko paused at the door frame. "A pet lizard?"

"OUT!"

"Hiya, Ukyo."

Ukyo looked up, her face showing extreme suspicion. "That's it? Ukyo? Not fat old slapper or ugly cow or grotbag? Do you feel well!"

Keiko smiled sweetly. "I feel fine." She settled down on the sofa next to Ukyo, hugging a plush teddy. "Did you have lots of fun on your date?"

Ukyo frowned. "What do you care?"

"Just curious." The little girl smiled innocently. "Was he cute?"

"Well..."

"Could he fight good?"

"Uh..."

"Didja kiss him?"

"NO!"

"Why?" Keiko asked, a shifty look in her eyes.

"Because... because... it was the first date!" Ukyo spluttered. "What on earth is up with you!"

"I'm just trying to be friendly," Keiko pouted, her eyes shimmering. "What's wrong with that?"

The fact that you made it clear you hated me from the moment I saw you standing in the doorway? Ukyo thought to herself. Instead of making her feelings clear however, she simply grinned back. "Nothing. But how about you go to bed now? It's getting late."

"OK, Auntie Ukyo!" Keiko gave her a fanged grin and skipped out of the room.

Akane slowly lowered her book. "AUNTIE Ukyo? What brought that on?"

"I dunno. It worries me how a poisonous little monster like that can look so innocent..." Ukyo mused, curling a strand of hair around a finger.

"I think she's quite sweet actually. Maybe you gave her a bar of chocolate and forgot," Akane suggested before Ukyo could give her grief about the 'sweet' remark. "You know how kids are with chocolate."

"I guess," the other girl said uncertainly. "I just don't trust that child..."

The vacant lot early next morning... VERY early... (Hey, it works for everyone else!)

"So show me the numbers," Mathilde ordered, holding out a hand with a slip of paper in it.

Ukyo took the slip of paper and calmly scanned the two phone numbers. "Good. But not good enough," she smirked, holding out another slip of paper.

Mathilde unfolded it. "FIVE! How did you get five phone numbers!" she exclaimed.

"I didn't spend the entire night with each guy?" she said innocently.

Mathilde glared darkly at her. "Very funny," she snapped, walking away. As soon as she was out of sight, she pulled a cell phone out of her bag and dialled the first number. "Hi, is that Akira? I'm a friend of Ukyo's... you went out with her last night? Well what are you doing tonight then?"

"Nabiki, could you help me?"

Nabiki glanced up from her notebook to Ukyo. "That depends on what it is and whether I have to move from this spot in the next half hour."

Ukyo pulled out a chair and sat down next to her. "I need your help to set up a swimsuit competition between me and the Parisian Parasite."

With a slight sigh, the elder girl closed her notebook. "May I ask what the purpose is of a swimsuit competition with whom I assume is Mathilde?"

"She... uh..." Ukyo blushed slightly. "She challenged me to find out which of us is sexier..."

"Is this is something to do with your sudden enthusiasm to actually date these weirdoes your dad managed to dig up? No offence but I think Ranma was an improvement," Nabiki pointed out seriously.

Ukyo smiled shiftily. "Might be, might not. Maybe I want to play the field."

"With a Martial Arts Candle-Maker?" Nabiki asked innocently.

Ukyo placed her palms on the table and leaned forward. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"Sure. It could be fun," Nabiki decided simply. "Now about this I'm-sexier-than-you-are thing..."

Two more days passed by pretty much uneventful for Nerima...

End Part IX

PART X

Fnahagrhah. OK, I can't think of a title. Sue me.

"WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!"

Shockwaves travelled from the epicentre of the wail, shattering every window in the district, setting off car alarms and leaving everyone with a horrible ringing noise in the ears.

Just kidding. The only thing that happened was that Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson clapped her hands over her ears and winced. "Watch it, would you!"

Ukyo stared at the piece of paper in horror and sagged to her knees. "This can't be real! Fifty-three telephone numbers!"

Mathilde smiled smugly. "Oh don't be so hard on yourself. Twenty-nine wasn't bad. And although I seriously doubt it, you still have a chance to win."

Ukyo stared at the floor. The two other challenges... The swimsuit one she could win. But the other one? She couldn't do it...

"I guess I'm just sexier after all," Mathilde gloated, turning her back on the other girl.

Ukyo narrowed her eyes and imagined large chemical burns on her. I will WIN this challenge, you rat-fink! Just you wait...

"Ladies, gentlemen and aquatransexuals!"

"I wish she wouldn't call us that," Ranma grumbled.

In the middle of the cafeteria, Nabiki continued. "We have a treat for you today! NO CAFETERIA FOOD!"

Deafening cheers echoed around the room and Nabiki bowed. "We have for you today, OKONOMIYAKI, made by Nerima's finest chefs. Buy from the one you like best!"

Doors at opposite ends of the room opened, revealing Mathilde in a highly fetching black bikini and Ukyo in an indecent silver leopard-print one. Each held a tray of okonomiyaki aloft.

Amidst the catcalls (and boos from some of the girls), Nabiki raised her microphone again. "And next week girls, we'll see if we can get some firemen in!"

The girls in the room cheered loudly. "That could be fun," Akane said gleefully. She glanced sideways at Ranma. "Oh and if you buy from Mathilde, you're dead."

Ranma ignored her. "What is up with those two?" he muttered, enjoying the view.

"Don't ask me. I have NO desire to find out what's going through that girl's mind," Ryoga muttered, twirling a whisker.

"I HEARD THAT!" Ukyo snarled, popping up behind him. She smiled sweetly. "But I'll forgive you if you buy an okonomiyaki!"

"And the winner by a landslide is... Ukyo," Nabiki read aloud.

"Yay! In your face, Paris Chick!"

Mathilde fumed. "That's chic, you uncultured swine! And you haven't won yet!" She pointed skyward and fireworks exploded behind her. "I'm going to kiss Ryoga before-"

"You're what!" Nabiki asked sharply. "THAT'S the third challenge!" She smirked and stood up. "This I have to see!"

Ukyo stuck her tongue out at Mathilde. "You don't have a chance. He hates your guts."

"You think that matters?" Mathilde shot back, edging towards the door. She smirked. "I have an ace up my sleeve." She darted towards the door and slammed it shut. "Plus, I have the key to this room!"

"LET ME OUT!" Ukyo hollered, hammering against the door.

Nabiki yawned. "Ukyo, there is an incredible invention behind you. It's known as a window. You can see through it. An in the case of flood, fire and insane French girls locking you in classrooms, they can be used as a means of escape."

"Enough with the sarcasm," Ukyo snarled, lifting up a table and throwing at the glass. "I'm not in the mood."

"Then you won't want me to point out that you could've just opened that window," Nabiki drawled.

"..." Ukyo stared at her.

"..." Nabiki replied. "Are we going or not?"

"We're going."

Knocking the broken glass out of the window frame, Ukyo jumped up onto the sill and slid daintily out of the window, landing lightly on the grass. Nabiki crouched on the sill, leaned forward and toppled over, landing heavily on the other girl. "Oops." They began to jog around to the back entrance. "Just out of curiosity, what happens if Mathilde wins this challenge? She gets Ryoga to be her slave again? You sell your business? You have to bungee jump naked out of a helicopter?"

Ukyo skidded to a halt and frowned. "I don't think we actually decided on anything," she admitted.

There was a short pause.

"So your telling me that there is no point in this?" Nabiki asked calmly. "You dated those wackos and paraded around the most perverted guys in Nerima wearing a silver leopard-print bikini that would be too indecent for Playboy and for what? The right to say 'Nya nya! I'm sexier than you!' at every available opportunity?"

Ukyo grinned weakly. "It would appear so..."

Nabiki thought for a second. "Are you still going to try and kiss Ryoga before Mathilde does?"

"Um... yes?"

"Why?" She folded her arms and waited for Ukyo's answer.

"Because you're jealous? Because he might like her better? Because you fancy him and would rather rip her eyes out than watch them in lip-lock?"

"NO!" Ukyo exclaimed. "Because... because... because I have to prove I'm sexier than her or she'll never shut up about it!" Although it could be fun, she added mentally.

Nabiki shrugged. "Works for me too. Let's go!"

"...Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by the tabor... tabor? What the heck's a tabor? Why didn't somebody stab William Shakespeare with a fountain pen nib before he wrote this?" Ryoga muttered with a scowl.

"It is the east! And Juliet the sun!"

Ryoga yelped and jumped backwards. Mathilde giggled. "But I think you'd make a far more dashing Romeo than a Juliet," she added, letting go of the top of the door frame and landing neatly on her feet.

"It's Twelfth Night," Ryoga corrected. "And Hiroshi or Daisuke would disagree with you on the Juliet thing," he added under his breath, before trying to walk past her.

Mathilde stepped into his path. "I think I prefer the Twelve Days of Christmas, don't you?" she asked sweetly, holding up a piece of mistletoe. "Merry Christmas!"

Ryoga quickly switched into reverse. "No way on Earth!" he hissed, holding his hands up in the traditional 'get the hell away from me!' position.

"Something wrong?" Mathilde purred, inching forward. "One little kissy and I won't bother you again."

"Absolutely not," Ryoga said firmly. "I'd rather kiss-"

A small dagger pointed at his neck. "Yes?" Mathilde asked innocently.

"Umm...Catherine Zeta-Jones?" he squeaked.

Mathilde twitched dangerously. "Are you saying I'm fat and fancy ancient, crinkly old men!"

"Huh?" Ryoga frowned. "Oh, that's right. She's due to give birth and about to marry Michael Douglas. Sorry. Well, bye."

(Just to let you know, a few days later, Miss Zeta-Jones gave birth to a baby boy, but I can't be bothered to alter this.)

Mathilde snagged the back of his collar. "And just where do you think you're going!

"Ak." He wriggled slightly until he could breath. "English. I have a test. If I'm late, Hinako will fry me and I'll be unconscious and get an F," he explained.

"Oooo... F for French kiss!" Mathilde cooed, sliding her arms around him.

"Ummm... no, F for Fail. Gee, would you look at the time!" Ducking under her arms, he twisted free and sped down the corridor.

"Not so fast! Get back here, you!"

Crashing noises

"Oww..."

"Oh hi, Ryoga... Ryoga!" Nabiki stepped back. "Ukyo was just looking for you."

Ukyo glared at her. "I hate you," she hissed, stepping forward and pasting a large fake smile on her face. "Ryoga! How good to see you!"

"Liar." He sat up and gingerly rubbed his head. "What were you looking for me for?"

Ukyo gave Nabiki the evil eye. "I was just thinking about when you saved me from that creep Yoshi and I thought I should repay you," she purred.

Ryoga's eyes lit up with hope. "You're going to call him and make him get this ink off of me?"

"I can think of other ways to say thanks," she smirked, stepping closer.

He stepped back hastily. "You've been around Urd again, haven't you?" he asked accusingly.

"No-"

"Shampoo?"

"No, I-"

"A hypnotist?"

"Oh would you just shut up and let me kiss you!" Ukyo snapped, stamping her foot.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" The foot of Mathilde connected with the side of Ukyo's face, sending her flying across the corridor. The enraged French girl sent her a look of pure venom. "If anyone is going to kiss Ryoga, it's going to be me!"

"Oh fuck off, you revolting little whore!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!"

Bitch fight at fifty yards!

Ryoga watched the carnage with interest. "Has Washu been using them as test subjects again?" he asked in interest.

"That information is restricted," Nabiki mumbled, jotting a few notes. "Remind me never to get on Ukyo's bad side, OK?"

Ryoga nodded, wincing in sympathy as someone's leg was bent in new directions. "I'm going now," he muttered to himself. "Maybe after class has ended they'll feel better."

"Oh we feel fine, sweetheart," Ukyo purred as she swung from his neck. Although her black eye made the statement rather difficult to believe.

"Yup. I know what I'm feeling is pretty good," Mathilde cooed, running her fingers along his arm and ignoring the blood dripping down her chin.

"Ak!"

There was a horribly loud ripping noise and the two femme fatales blinked down at the school jacket in their hands before setting off after the crashing noises. Nabiki almost fell over, cackling with laughter. "I'll get the blood bank on standby, OK!"

Skidding around another corner and almost running down the hall monitor, Ryoga switched his brain to overdrive. (Painful.) The only reasons he could come up with for Mathilde and Ukyo's behaviour was

a: They'd been possessed by ghosts - except the school had finally called in an exorcist after the last pupil possession,

b: They'd been zapped by mind controlling alien rays - except if aliens had that kind of power they'd be more likely to use it on world leaders,

c: They'd been affected by another stupid love potion - except that would be overkill and

d: They were in competition. Again.

It would appear that once again I get to be prize of the week, he concluded dismally. Deep in thought, he almost missed the mop that was in his path. However, the bucket next to the mop gave him an idea...

"There he is!"

Picking up the bucket, he quickly upturned it over himself and gloated inwardly as the two girls screeched to a halt and stared at her. "Nyahaha! Aversion tactics! You can't kiss me now," Ryoga-chan mocked gleefully, hopping from foot to foot in delight.

"Well look at that," Nabiki said in respectful awe. "Ryoga isn't as stupid as he looks."

Mathilde scowled. "No-one could be as stupid as he looks."

End Part X

My notes

OK, I admit it. I cannot for the life of me remember what I was planning to do with this and now I have ended up with this... this... SOAP OPERA on my hands! But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop...


	13. Chapter 6 parts 1 to 5

**CATCHING THE BUTTERFLY VOL 6**

Disclaimer. I think we all know it by now... (Deep breath) I own Mathilde and Keiko, all the other characters belong to someone else and if the authors ever find out what I've done to them I may just drop dead so I'll finish this and RUN!

CTB VOL 6 - Adding to the roadkill. I mean, overkill.

PROLOGUE

Now this is just stupid.

Mathilde glared at the smaller girl.

"Something wrong?" Ryoga-chan asked innocently, a hint of a smile playing around her lips.

Mathilde opened and closed her mouth a few times before slamming her fist into the wall. "You RAT!" she snarled, turning tail and stomping away.

Ukyo stared after, then turned to face Ryoga-chan. "Nabiki's right - you're not as stupid as you look," she said cheerfully, then started laughing as the hilarity of the situation hit her.

"Can I go to class now?"

Martial artists have a sixth sense. Stepping back from the wooden dummy, Ryoga sighed and tapped the water pistol he'd pinched from Keiko. "Mathilde, I am REALLY getting sick of this," he growled.

"I'm not Mathilde," Ukyo said quietly.

"Oh. Well I'm still getting sick of this," he repeated tersely. "Should I even bother asking for an explanation or should I just squirt myself now?"

"I'll explain," Ukyo muttered.

Ryoga blinked at her. "You will?" he asked in astonishment.

"Uh-huh." She sat down on a pile of mats and motioned for him to sit next to her, which he did so with a highly suspicious expression. "It's a long shot but I figured that if I tell you what's going on instead of just ambushing you-"

"Like Mathilde has," he interrupted.

"Like Mathilde has," Ukyo confirmed. She stared at the floor and continued talking. "Maybe if I told you what was going on, you wouldn't get mad... well, not TOO mad... I hope..."

Ryoga considered that for a moment. "What if I DID get mad?"

"THEN I'd ambush you," she joked, then fell silent.

"So..." he prompted.

Ukyo blinked, startled. "So what?"

"Are you going to explain or not!"

"Oh! Right!" Ukyo giggled nervously, wondering why she was doing this. Because if I just ambush him too, he'll run a mile in the other direction, she reminded herself. If I explain it, he MIGHT just let me kiss him. "Remember when me and Mathilde were arguing about who had the uh... biggest breasts?"

"Yes. That's when Mathilde introduced me to Terry."

Ukyo nodded. "Well, we decided to hold a contest-"

"I KNEW it!" he exclaimed triumphantly. Ukyo shot him a glare. "Sorry."

"Best out of three. There was that swimsuit contest, then dating the most guys in a week-"

Ryoga held up a hand to stop her. "Dating the most guys in a week?" he asked.

"Um... yes."

"Is that why you went out with all those guys your dad dug up?"

Ukyo nodded bashfully. "That would be a yes too."

Ryoga smiled happily. She wasn't trying to make me jealous! he thought happily. "OK, carry on."

Ukyo nodded. "Then Mathilde decided that the third contest would be... uh..." She blushed and nibbled the tip of a finger. "She said the third contest wouldbetokissyouthen I said no and she called me a chicken-"

"What was that bit in the middle?" Ryoga asked sweetly, although having spent much of his life blurting out sentences with no gaps in the words himself, he was something of a pro at deciphering them.

"She said the third contest would be to kiss you, OK!" she snarled, glaring at him.

"Right." Ryoga nodded. "So I guess you both lost one contest each and I'm the tiebreaker, right?"

Ukyo blushed again. "Did I mention that she called me chicken?" she said weakly.

"So what happens if you lose?" he asked, leaning forward. "She gets me to be her slave again? You sell your business?" He smiled innocently. "You have to bungee jump naked out of a helicopter?"

Ukyo blinked slowly as the words rebounded through her memory. "You've been talking to Nabiki haven't you!" she wailed, jumping to her feet.

"Hahahaahahahahahahaa!"

"It's not FUNNY!" she snarled, hitting him on the shoulder. "You knew and you let me carry on talking!"

"Yup," he snickered.

"Ooooh! You are such a... a..."

"Tease?" he suggested cheerfully.

"Yes!" she snapped, then paused. She could tease too... "So you don't mind?" she asked innocently.

"I guess not. I mean, you did explain," he reasoned.

"I'll just get on with it then," she purred, running her fingers along the back of his neck, smiling with amusement as he backed away hurriedly and fell off the edge of the mats. "Something wrong, sugar? You said you didn't mind," she giggled.

"I thought you meant did I mind being made a challenge!" he protested, sitting up. "Not did I mind you doing it!"

"Well do you?"

"Yes!" Catching the expression on her face, he quickly changed his mind. "I mean no. No! Why would I mind?" he babbled, still edging away.

Ukyo smirked and stood up. "Well look at this way - if you don't let me kiss you, Mathilde is going to."

There was a short silence. Ryoga nibbled his bottom lip. "Mathilde?" he repeated quietly.

"Mmm hmm."

Ryoga nodded slowly. "O-OK then," he muttered, sitting back down on the mats. It wasn't quite how he'd imagined their first proper kiss (both sides consenting, neither one drugged), but who cared?

"Really!" Ukyo grinned happily. Success!

End Prologue.

PART I

God must love drunks and poor people.

That's why he made so many of them.

One hour later

Argh! Ukyo punched the mats in frustration. What is wrong with me! I've done this before, it's not that difficult! She jumped to her feet and paced up and down. "OK. Deep breath, count to ten," she muttered under her breath, before sitting back down again. Ignore the fact that he's cute... mmm... maple syrup... and focus on the fact that if you don't do this, that slut-bitch Mathilde will! After five minutes, she resumed pacing. "This is just stupid," she growled, kicking the mats.

Ryoga fell over sideways and snored softly.

SLAP

"Wake up, you goon!"

"Owww!" Ryoga rubbed his cheek and sent her a hurt look. "What was that for!"

"You were asleep," Ukyo snapped.

"I had my eyes shut for three quarters of a hour before I fell asleep," he countered. "Then I got bored."

"Well I'm ready now," she lied.

Ten minutes passed.

"Would it help if I turned off the lights?" Ryoga muttered.

"No! The picture won't come out!"

The two flew apart and stared at the doorway. "Nabiki!" Ukyo cried, outraged. "How long have you been there!"

"Long enough to finish reading 'Jurassic Park' and get pins and needles in my legs," the other girl complained. "Are you going to do this or not?"

"Not with you watching!" The younger girl blazed.

"But the whole point of this challenge is to prove you're sexier than Mathilde and she's not going to believe you if you just SAY you've done it," Nabiki countered.

Ukyo scowled darkly. "Tough."

Ryoga yawned. "Does this mean I can go to bed?" The two girls fixed deadly gazes on him. "No?"

"I'll be out of sight. You won't even know I'm there," Nabiki promised.

"No. No no no no no." Ukyo shook her head. "I was having a hard enough time trying to do it when I didn't think anyone was watching!"

Nabiki stamped her foot. "Oh just get on with it and stop being pathetic!"

Ukyo stared at her. "I am NOT-" She paused. "I'm pathetic!" she wailed before bursting into tears and sinking to the floor.

Nabiki blinked slowly. "Um... Ukyo?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The elder girl backed away slowly. "Well... I'll just leave you two kids to it, shall I?" she said cheerfully, before running out of the door.

Ryoga slid off the mats and sat next to the sobbing brunette. "Um... Ukyo? Are you all right?"

Ukyo lifted her head out of her arms. "Has she gone yet?" she sniffled.

"Yes."

"Good." She jumped to her feet and yanked him up by his collar. "I want to get extremely pissed and cry about how pathetic I am without her watching."

"Oh." Ryoga scratched his head. "Well, have fun-"

"Oh, you're coming with me," she said sweetly.

"I am?"

"Of course. Misery loves company." She grinned at him through her tears. "And if I get drunk enough, I might even work up the courage to go through with this stupid challenge."

"...I'm never going to get married and I'm just destined to become an old lady with lots of cats," Ukyo sniffled, knocking back another shot of strawberry schnapps.

"Well at least you won't end up like me. Mentally confused and prone to wandering," Ryoga scowled, searching through the devastation for the bottle of Jack Daniel's he'd put... somewhere. Within the relative privacy of the Hibiki house, Ukyo had immediately set about clearing out his father's booze cabinet and three hours they were both sorting through the wreckage of the bottles and their lives for something substantial.

"Oh don't be so melo-melon-melladramamatic," Ukyo scoffed. "If sailors can have a girl in every port, you'll manage. And at least you're cute, even though you look like Sylvester gone wrong." She poured herself out another shot. "Who's going to want an ugly dried up old spinshter like me?" she grieved, tears once again welling up in her eyes.

"You're not ugly," Ryoga protested. "You're cute and smart and if you look at you through the bottom of this tumbler you almost look like Sailor Mars." He blinked and rubbed his face. "I have whiskey in my eye."

Ukyo reached over and grabbed the tumbler. "Wow... you DO look like Sailor Mars through this!" She giggled. "Don't like Sailor Mars. My taxes paid for those plastic domes on her chest. I want them when she dies."

"What for? I like the ones you have." Not noticing her blush, he snatched his tumbler back and re-filled. Or half-refilled. "Aww! All out!"

"Try some of this in it," Ukyo offered, pouring half a glass of vodka into it.

"It's like lighter fuluid," Ryoga griped.

Ukyo cackled with laughter. "Fuluid!"

"Well I wanted to say fuel but I changed my mind halfway through and tried to say fluid instead. Oooh! 3D specs!" He pounced on them and put them on. "It's like it's coming right at me," he said in awe, moving his hand backwards and forwards in front of his nose.

Ukyo leaned over and grabbed his wrist, smacking him on the nose with his own hand. "Let me try!" She blinked blearily and gazed around the room. "These make you reallllllllly sqiffy," she giggled happily. "And it's like you're right in front of me!"

"You ARE right in front of me," he informed her, batting the specs away.

"Oh yeah." She sorted through the bottles again. "What's this one?"

"That's melon schnapps. You already tried that one." He leaned over and grabbed another bottle. "Try this one. Apple."

Ukyo slugged that one back resumed picking through the shrapnel of her life. "If I ever get a boyfriend I'm not even going to know what to do," she griped. "You're the only guy I've ever kissed and the first time you were asleep and the second time I was drugged and the third time-"

"There was a third time?" Ryoga asked, surprised.

"Oh, you were asleep for that one too," she informed him.

"Well at least you remember all three! It seems like everyone who's ever kissed me that I remember has been drugged except for Shampoo."

"What about Mathilde?"

"That's another one I'm trying to forget." They both lapsed into silence. "We really are pathetic, aren't we?"

"Yup. Young, single and pathetic," Ukyo agreed. "Cute but single. Nice but single. That's prob'ly because we're both half male, half female and single." She burst into tears again. "Sweet 16 and never been kissed except by sleepwalkers! I'm going to die an unkissed virgin spinster!"

"No you're not!" Ryoga edged around the bottles and hugged her. "You're sweet and kind and I'd kiss you."

"You would?" Ukyo sniffled, rubbing her eyes.

"But not the other thing," he added hastily.

"You'd kiss me?" Ukyo repeated, sitting up straighter. "If I asked you too?"

"Sure. It'd be like one friend helping out another," he reassured her. "Plus you'd win that competition against Mathilde."

A grin worked it's way across Ukyo's face. "It'd just be a friend helping out a friend?"

"Yep."

"Wouldn't mean anything?"

"Absooooolutely."

"Just one time for practise?"

"You betcha."

"Oh goody." She wriggled around until she was facing him and leaned forward until their lips were millimetres apart. "Promise you won't hate me in the morning?"

"I'd never hate you," Ryoga said sincerely, before closing the gap between them. Ukyo responded eagerly, deepening the kiss and shifting to a more comfortable position. Unfortunately, a bottle had rolled by and as Ryoga moved backwards to accommodate her, he fell over backwards, smacking his head on the corner of the coffee table. "Ow!"

The dark haired girl crawled over and blinked at him. "You OK?" A smirk lit up her face. "I'll kiss it better," she offered cheerfully.

Ryoga shrugged. "We said once for practise. You can stop if you want."

"Don't wanna."

End Part I

PART II

Day of the living dead.

Ukyo was the first to return to land of the living. Cracking one eyelid open, she instantly wished she hadn't. Her head pounded, her body ached and her mouth felt like a special reserve for endangered species of fungi and mould. Whimpering, she pulled the duvet back over her head. And paused. Duvet? The last she remembered, she'd been downstairs... kissing Ryoga. She grinned, trying not to feel elated and failing terribly.

Of course none of that changed the fact that she was in bed, not face down in a pile of sick. Still, if she was alone, there was nothing to worry about. And at least she still had her clothes on. She sat up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Ryoga sat up sharply and grabbed his skull. "Owwww! Don't DO that!" All of a sudden, he realised where he was and who was screaming. "Ukyo!" He rubbed his eyes and blinked at her. "What are you doing in my bed?"

"ME! What are you doing in... this is your bed?"

"Yes."

"What am I doing in your bed?"

"That's what I just asked you!"

Ukyo rubbed her head. "I don't know! I woke up here."

"You did?" Ryoga frowned then snapped his fingers. "I remember! You passed out and I carried you up here. Then I tried to find my parents room so I could crash there." He flushed. "I guess I got lost."

"Oh." She shrugged. "That's OK then."

"It is?" he asked disbelievingly.

"Sure." She batted her eyelashes at him. "Could you pretty please get me a glass of water, sugar?" she asked cutely, enjoying the blush that crept along his nose.

"Uh... sure."

"Thanks." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"W-what was that for?" he stuttered.

"Practise, remember?"

"Knock knock," Ukyo sang, tapping on the door.

The door was swung open forcefully and Akane glared at the them. "Where the HELL have you two been!"

Ukyo backed away. "Whoa! Bite my head off why don't you!"

"Sorry. I was just worried about you guys," Akane apologised. "But I still want to know where you went."

"Yes mom. Can we come in? I'm starving." Without waiting for an answer, she pushed past the other girl, dragging the lost boy after her. "I got drunk so Ryoga let me pass out at his place."

"Oh he did, did he?" Akane smirked. "So?"

"So?" Ukyo asked innocently.

"So did you do it?"

Ukyo stopped and faced her. "Akane, I just told you I got drunk then passed out. I don't think I could've kissed a Brad Pitt poster in that state."

Akane groaned. "Flake. Well, better luck next time. I'm going to go kick Ranma out of bed, so if you want breakfast, run."

Ryoga sniggered. "You liar."

"Who asked you?" she said with a grin, blowing him a kiss.

And now, a poem.

Kisses blown are kisses wasted,

A kiss isn't a kiss unless it's tasted,

Kisses spread germs and germs are hated,

So kiss me baby, I'm vaccinated!

Thank you for your attention.

"Well at least it's the weekend," Nabiki said cheerfully. "That gives you two days to complete your challenge, hopefully without Mathilde butting in."

"Right," Ukyo agreed in a monotone, picking at her rice. "Two days to practise," she whispered, gleefully watching Ryoga choke on a few grains of rice.

Ranma glanced up. "What challenge?"

"None of your business, Ranma," Nabiki said simply. "Maybe a picnic?"

A picnic would be fun, Ukyo decided mentally. But not with Nabiki. "Maybe tomorrow. We could go for a boat ride today." Ryoga looked up sharply and opened his mouth to protest that he hated boats and she lashed out with her foot.

Ranma yelped. "Ow! Who just kicked me!"

"Accident."

"Where are you going?"

Ryoga tried unsuccessfully not to look like he was climbing out of the window. "Umm... nowhere?"

Ukyo marched over and dragged him back inside. "We have to get ready for Nabiki's romantic boat trip."

"Aw... Ucchan, I hate boats!" Ryoga groaned. "They capsize and I end up female."

"I know," Ukyo said cheerfully.

"And how can it be in any way romantic with Nabiki there?" he continued.

"It won't." Ukyo turned and grinned at him. "So we won't be going."

"We won't?"

"Nope. Nabiki's going on a boat trip. We're going on a picnic."

Ryoga furrowed his brow in confusion. "I thought you didn't want to go on a picnic today?"

Ukyo sighed. "Ryoga-hon, remember what we decided yesterday?"

"That mixing whiskey, Malibu and apricot schnapps together is not a good idea?"

"No!" She bopped him lightly over the back of the head. "Nobody must know about us. Definitely not Urd, definitely not Nabiki, ESPECIALLY not Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson, remember?"

"Oh yeah!" He snapped his fingers. Then he frowned. "Why did we decide that?"

"You have the memory span of a goldfish," she teased lightly. "Because Mathilde will go ballistic and Urd and Nabiki will stop trying to get us together and start trying to make us get married. And at the moment I just want to have fun."

"Oh." Ryoga nodded. "I get it."

"Great. Come on, lets go!" she chirped, dragging him out of the room.

I don't get it!

End Part II

PART III

Trying to keep it secret.

Nabiki checked her watch and sighed. "I'm just going to drag Ryoga here to the little lost boys room, she says," mimicking Ukyo. "What the heck is he doing, building it first or something?"

"I don't think they're coming," Keiko said around a mouthful of bubblegum, before blowing a bubble with it.

"Don't do that, that's disgusting," Nabiki scolded. "What are you doing here anyway? And what do you mean they're not coming?"

"Kasumi and Akane said they'd take me sailing . And Ukyo said she'd lost my brother so she was going to look for him."

Nabiki blinked slowly. "And when was this?"

"Twenty minutes ago."

"And you're telling me now?"

"You didn't mention it till now."

"This looks like a good spot," Ryoga decided, putting the picnic basket down.

"I just hope I can remember the way back," Ukyo murmured. Leaning forward, she ruffled his hair fondly. "Although maybe I won't want to."

"Does this mean I'm forgiven for telling your dad that we're not engaged?"

"I suppose so." She sat down and opened the picnic basket. "Yummy!"

Ryoga cautiously decided to ask her another question. "Well... what if we pretended we were?"

Ukyo calmly put down the punnet of strawberries and stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"What I meant was... it would mean you wouldn't have to date all those other guys," he muttered, feeling about two inches tall.

"Ryoga Hibiki, if you start making this complicated, I'm going to walk away and not come back. Understand?" Ukyo crossed her arms. "I'm not going to pretend to be engaged to anyone. Eleven years of my life has been butchered by engagements and I'm not go to get engaged again, real or pretend. I just want to be normal and go out with someone I like without magical deities trying to force us into marriage!" Her expression softened slightly and she stroked his cheek. "I like you tons, OK? That's all that matters at the moment. I'm not going to jump into love, engagement and marriage again for a while."

Ryoga nodded slowly. Hey, it was already far more than he'd even dared daydream about and he wasn't going to try and spoil it. "OK," he stated simply, smiling at her. Note to self. Don't ever tell her you love her!

The lovey-dovey puke-inducing moment was completely ruined 1.5 seconds with a cry of: "RYO-OHKI! COME BACK!" The two froze like startled rabbits as a... rabbit-type-thing bounced past their noses, closely followed by Sasami who also managed to trip over the picnic basket, spilling the food everywhere. "Ow!"

The couple stared at her. "..."

Sasami jumped to her feet and stared at the devastation in horror. "Oh no! I ruined your picnic!"

"That's OK," Ukyo said numbly.

"We don't mind (much)," Ryoga agreed, wanting to get back to the good stuff.

"No, it's not OK! If you come with me, I'll make you a new one. It'll be the best picnic you've ever tasted," the blue-haired girl promised, dragging the protesting pair along the ground by their collars.

Ukyo stared at the house in horror. "Oh no."

"You live with Washu!" Ryoga pulled at his whiskers in despair. "She'll dissect me! Let me out of here!"

"Oh no," Ukyo repeated again, seeing Mihoshi step outside.

"Listen little girl, this is really nice of you, but I really think we should go," Ryoga tried again.

"Oh no," Ukyo said once more, just for the hell of it.

Sasami ignored them. "You wait inside and I'll have a new picnic in no time at all!"

"A picnic?" Ryoko repeated, popping out of the wall next to Ukyo, nearly giving the girl a heart attack. "YOU two were having a picnic?"

"Well, it's a nice day and all," Ukyo said weakly.

"Hmm..." Ryoko mulled this over before popping back inside. "Oh Tenchi..."

Mihoshi smiled sweetly. "Would you like some tea?" she offered brightly.

"Tea would be nice," Ryoga accepted before Ukyo could interrupt.

Following the blond girl inside, he didn't notice Ukyo vanish as Mihoshi quickly pulled out her dimensional cube. "So, a picnic, eh?"

"Only because it's a nice day and it sounded like a fun idea," Ryoga lied quickly. "We weren't intending to do anything!"

"That DOES sound like fun," Mihoshi agreed. "Now you stay here while I go get the tea!"

Ryoga nodded and sat down as the girl left the room and glanced around the surroundings. He jumped slightly as a hand tapped him lightly on the shoulder. "Ukyo...?"

The loud cheerful voice sent shivers down his spine. "Well, well, well! If it isn't my favourite test subject!" Washu proclaimed happily, throwing her arms around him and cutting off his air supply. "Fancy seeing you here!"

"Ak!"

"And still covered in ink too," she sighed. "Still, a quick visit to my main lab will soon clear that up!"

"!" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Sasami, could you make me a picnic too?" Ryoko asked, watching the girl deftly prepare the food.

"And me," Mihoshi called.

"We're going on a picnic?" Tenchi asked in surprise. "I'll go tell Ayeka and Grandfather."

Sasami blinked slowly. "Um..." They are not going to be at all happy about this.

"Um... Washu?"

"Questions?" Washu asked brightly. "Ask away, my little guinea pig!"

"Why are you wearing a nurses outfit?"

"For the mood. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything." Ryoga resisted the urge to question why he was only wearing boxers. Washu's expression became serious as she turned to the computers. "I'm going to see if I can find out what causes the ink to spread-"

"Fear," Ryoga informed her obligingly.

"I meant the chemical. Then I'll try to reverse it and make the ink go away."

"I already know how to make it go away."

Washu froze, then slowly turned around and looked at him through narrowed eyes. "How?"

"Facing up to the fear."

"Oh! So if I did THIS-" She pulled a large tarantula in front of his face: "It wouldn't be helping."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Nope. Didn't think so."

Ryoga gave her the evil eye. "If you EVER do that to me again, I'll- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GETITAWAYGETITAWAY!"

Washu grinned evilly and put the spider behind her back. "Better?"

"Ye- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Oh this is fun." Washu flashed the spider again and giggled as Ryoga decided he'd had enough and fainted.

Washu's secret garden is a godsend to TV crews. And a nightmare for anyone else, as Ukyo was discovering. Sure, the crab-nebula wallpaper may have been pretty and the comets fascinating to behold, but there was something about floating aimlessly through space without a spacesuit on that makes people panic. And nobody had mentioned to Ukyo that attempting the space-doggy-paddle would create a rift in space and suck her into a black hole.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

So it's a good thing it ends inside the lab. Although Washu was not amused to have the chef fall into her lap. "Do you mind!"

Ukyo blinked rapidly. "Where am I! How did I get here!"

"Don't ask me," Washu scowled crossly.

"Is that Ryoga?"

"That you CAN ask me." The scientist nodded brightly. "Yes."

Ukyo hopped to the floor and peered at the unconscious boy. "What did you DO to him!" she asked in a dangerous tone.

Washu caught her tone. "Nothing much," she lied quickly.

"Then why is he out cold? And in his underwear? And black!"

"Black?" Washu repeated numbly, switching on a light and staring at him. "Oh dear."

"Oh dear?" Ukyo repeated, unsheathing her spatula. "OH DEAR! My boy- I mean best friend," she corrected quickly, "is blacker than ink at midnight and all you can say is oh dear!"

"You wouldn't hit you teacher, would you?" Washu said nervously, backing away.

CLANG

"That is just un-nerving," Urd gawped. "It's like watching a black and white TV."

"We know. That's the fifth time you've said that," Skuld scowled, flicking through some papers. "Although he's not really... black and white, he's sort of... shadowed. Now why didn't my invention work?"

"Try linking the thingymajic up to the doohicky," Urd advised.

Ukyo glanced up sharply at them. "Oh no you don't. I refuse to let you plug another one of those dumb machines onto him now the burning smell's gone away," she ordered sternly, curling her fingers through Ryoga's hair. The boy muttered something in his sleep and snuggled closer to her. After the spider thing and Skuld's inventions, the last of which had actually electrocuted him and singed his fingernails, is was a miracle he wasn't gibbering insanely. Although the tranquillisers may have helped that.

"Washu did this?" Urd asked again. "And didn't fix it?"

Ukyo smiled tightly. "Washu's too busy trying to remove the spatula's to meddle any more. She couldn't stop the ink and neither can you. There's just one person I know who can..."

"Yo!"

Ukyo cringed as the voice echoed down the phone. "Um... Yoshi? This is Ukyo."

"Ukyo?"

Ukyo scowled. "Kuonji."

"Oh yeah. How yo doin'?" She could almost hear him smirk. "How's the little transvestite boyfriend?"

OK. So the creep obviously wasn't going to try and make this easy. "Not so good," Ukyo admitted through gritted teeth. "Can you... help?"

"Aw gee... well now I don't know about that, babe. You weren't nice."

Ukyo exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry I wasn't nice to you on our (ugh) date. Can you tell me how to get the ink off of Ryoga?"

There was a short silence as Yoshi thought. "I'll have to think about that, babe," he eventually said in a falsely disappointed voice. "I mean, it ain't like I'll get it off fer free."

"What. Do. You. Want?" Ukyo asked, fast losing patience.

There was loud humming and hawing. "Gee, now I think another date would be like, you know, absolutely necessary." There was a short pause. "A Proper date," he added meaningfully.

Ukyo felt her skin crawl. "What kind of proper date?" she asked, although she was pretty sure she knew what he meant.

He didn't let her down. "Maybe could visit one of them quickie motels and you could give me a massage and I could-"

She slammed the phone down forcefully so it bounced in the cradle. "Pervert! ing perverted slimy little wanker!" she seethed in anger. (I don't think my spellchecker likes the word wanker.)

"I take it his idea of a proper date is not the same as yours?" Urd asked mildly.

"If he want's that kind of date with someone, he'll have to pay out a lot of money. To someone other than me," Ukyo snarled, viciously kicking the table. "Ow. Jerk!"

The phone rang again and Urd picked it up. "Stonehenge. Dana the Druid." She listened for a moment before handing the phone over. "It's for you."

Ukyo glared at the receiver. "Hello? Oh. Yoshi. Didn't expect to hear from you again." She glared at Urd before returning the glare back to the phone. "You were just teasing?" she repeated in disbelief. "Um... yeah. Sure. Tonight at seven is fine."

At the other end of the phone, Yoshi smirked to himself. "See ya then, babe," he said coolly, hanging up the phone. His smirk widened as he picked up a sheet of paper and a small bottle of pills...

End Part III

PART IV

Falling apart.

"You're WHAT!"

Ukyo winced. "I told you not to over-react," she chided. "And it's not like I'm going out with this creep because I want to-"

"So don't," Ryoga insisted. "You don't have to-"

"It's my fault he did this to you in the first place," Ukyo reminded him. "I...wanted to make you jealous..."

"Well it worked."

"So I'm going to put things right." She leaned forwards and clutched his hands earnestly. "But I don't trust this guy as far as I can throw him-"

"You could throw him to China if you tried," Ryoga pointed out dryly.

"OK, I'll stick with I don't trust him," Ukyo decided with a small grin. "I don't think he's changed his mind about a Proper date, so would you do me a huge favour and keep an eye on him in case he tries anything?"

"If he tries anything," Ryoga said evenly, "I'll break his neck."

"Thanks." She leaned forward.

"The goddesses are watching us."

"Then I'll thank you later."

This time, Ukyo was modestly dressed in jeans, a black polo-neck jumper, and a short-sleeved check shirt. If Yoshi thought he was going to get the same display of skin as last time, he was going to be sorely disappointed. Forget it, jerk-face! You're going to get rid of that ink if it kills you, she thought grimly, walking along the street to the club they'd agreed to meet at. "You still there, sugar?" she said in a low voice.

"Still here," Ryoga replied quietly. Dressed in black, he was practically impossible to see.

"Good." She glanced up at a window. "If I'm right, that is the window to the ladies room."

"You want me to sneak in through the ladies room?" Ryoga repeated in disbelief.

Ukyo grinned. "It's either that or I have to go into the men's room and I'm not about to do that." Spotting the worried look on his face, she patted his arm reassuringly. "Don't worry. I'll make sure the place is empty first. Now, if you stay here, I'll go in and give you a hand getting in."

"O-OK."

Ukyo started to walk towards the entrance, then paused. "Oh, and Ryoga?"

Ryoga glanced at her. "Yes?"

"Wander away and I'll kill you."

"Yo, baby! How you doin'!"

I hope your bits rot off, Ukyo cursed him to herself, before turning around and smiling brightly. "Yoshi. Nice to see you. Not. Shall we talk now?"

Yoshi smirked at her. "How 'bout a drink first? I don't talking business sober."

"Sure. I'll have a Tia Maria and coke," she decided. They ordered and sat down. "So how's your week been?" she said sweetly, and immediately took the opportunity to tune out for a few minutes until she could semi-politely excuse herself.

"Pretty good," Yoshi said happily. "I inked some dude and got to fondle his girl to turn him back-"

MY BRAIN HURTS! Ukyo knocked back the rest of her drink and stood up quickly. "I'm just going to nip to the ladies, OK? I'll be back in a second!" She fled through the crowds and slammed the door behind her. "Ugh! That guy is the most revolting, disgusting perv I've ever spoken to!" she snarled, stomping over to the window. "Ryoga, you there hon?"

"Here," Ryoga replied, appearing at the window. "Is he there?"

"Oh he's here all right," Ukyo growled. "And when this night is over, I'm going to enjoy kicking him through the roof!"

"I take it he's not the most charming of people?" Ryoga said wryly, swinging his legs over the sill. At that moment, the door handle turned. Ukyo placed a small hand on Ryoga's chest and before he could say anything, she shoved him out of the window.

The two giggling girls staggered into the room, ignoring Ukyo and giving the window a passing glance as a loud crash echoed through the room. As soon as they'd left, she quickly locked the door and jogged over to the window. (Sorry if the spelling gets scatty- my keyboard's fked!) "You OK?"

"No," came the muffled reply. "I landed on a cat and it wasn't happy about it."

"Sorry, sugar. I should've locked the door before I came in here," she apologised, dragging him over the windowsill. "Now follow me!"

The nightclub scene was still the same (heaving mass of sweaty bodies writhing energetically to butchered pop songs) so it was relatively simple for Ukyo to hide Ryoga somewhere where he could see but not be seen before reluctantly rejoining Yoshi (who was in the midst of a slanging match with a skinhead). Yoshi glanced up at her. "You want another drink in a sec, babe?"

"Love one," Ukyo said chirpily, sending hate vibes at him. "Same as before."

"Great." Elbowing his way to the bar, he ordered the drink. Then, after a quick glance around, he popped one of the pills in it. This should loosen you up, he thought, a evil grin crossing his face.

Ryoga frowned. I don't know what that was he just put in there, but something tells me it's not nice, he decided, squeezing past a few people. As Ukyo raised the glass to her lips, he bumped against her, the aim being to simply make her spill it.

The drink, Ukyo and the table fell over. "Hey!"

"Oops."

"Watch what you're doin', bozo!" Yoshi snarled, before squinting at him. "Oh I get it," he sneered, giving Ryoga a scathing look. "Spyin' on ya girl. What are you, her father?"

Ukyo groaned slowly. "Nice going, jackass," she growled, hopping to her feet. "What'd you push me over for?"

Ryoga looked sheepish. "Uh... he put... something in your drink."

"WHAT!" Ukyo turned on Yoshi. "What did you put in my drink, you creep!"

"I didn't do nuthin!" Yoshi protested, trying to look innocent. He turned out his pocket "I'm clean, see?"

There was a short (club-music filled) silence as the small jar of pills rolled across the floor. "And these are?" Ukyo asked sweetly.

"Ummm... prescription?" Knew I shoulda put those back in my boxers.

The sweet, calm face and cheerful smile almost made her look forgiving. Pity the effect was spoiled somewhat by the firey killer aura surrounding her. "You know Yoshi, you'd make a lovely corpse," Ukyo said cheerfully, before setting about him with a spatula, a calligraphy brush and a eyelash curler. 'An eyelash curler?' I hear you say? Have you ever SEEN an eyelash curler?

Shards of paper fell to the floor. Then a pair of scissors thudded to the ground next to them. For this humiliation... you will pay...

"Are you sure you should've been so hard on Yoshi?" Ryoga asked. "Maybe he's not so used to being beaten up as me and Ranma."

"Oh I'm fairly sure he is," Ukyo countered. "And he was planning to use the date-rape drug on me. He should be thankful I didn't kill him. And death comes to us all someday, why should he be any different?"

"...Point taken." Ryoga frowned slightly. "I guess I'm going to have to get over this daft fear if I'm ever going to get rid of this ink..."

Ukyo stopped dead in her tracks and snapped her fingers. "We are so stupid!"

"We are?"

"Cologne! She'll know what to do! She always knows what to do with strange, unheard of martial arts techniques!" Ukyo claimed happily, grabbing a hold of his arm. "Come on!"

Like something out of a gross, tacky horror movie, Ukyo found herself holding half an arm. Nothing but.

Ryoga spent a few moments staring at the end of his sleeve before making his feelings clear. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Hey, calm down!" Ukyo hissed helplessly. "This isn't as bad as it looks-"

"Not as bad as it looks!" Ryoga wailed hysterically. "I am MISSING an ARM!"

SLAP

Ryoga blinked slowly and cupped his cheek. "Thanks. I needed that."

The chef looked at the arm, which looked as if it'd been severed just below the elbow. So she hadn't pulled it clean out the socket, which was some relief. Only some. "Oh god... does it hurt?"

"No but that is hardly the point!" Ryoga growled. "My arm has just fallen off!" He paled slightly. "What if... something else falls off!"

Ukyo examined the arm some more, before nodding decisively. "We need to talk to that old lady."

"It just came off?" Cologne repeated, examining the severed hand closely. "No one chopped it off or pulled it off?"

Ukyo shook her head helplessly. "No. It just... came off."

Shampoo looked on curiously, not wanting to miss the excitement. (Which had been pretty non-existent in her life for a while.) "Gruesome."

Mousse grinned. "Cool."

"Hmmm." The Amazon matriarch examined the arm again. "And it doesn't hurt?"

"Nope." Ryoga shook is head, still looking as though he wanted to continue with the hysterical screaming. "Can't feel a thing."

Cologne poked the severed wrist lightly with a penknife. "That doesn't hurt?"

"Uh-uh."

"What about the rest of you?" she questioned.

The one-armed boy blinked slowly in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Cologne sighed and hopped over to him and poking him in the chest. "Feel that?"

"Um...no."

"That?" A light bop on the head.

"No."

"That wouldn't hurt him anyway," Ukyo pointed out.

Cologne sweatdropped. "I know that." She shrugged and raised her staff. "How 'bout THIS!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!" Ukyo fainted.

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGH!" Shampoo fainted.

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mousse fainted.

Even Cologne hadn't been expecting that sort of reaction. "Oopsie," she muttered, reaching down and picking Ryoga's head up off the floor. At least he was unconscious too. "Forgot that would happen. Should've done it to the other arm," she sighed to herself, picking up a paintbrush and a pot of Amazon Herbal Glue (#17) and mixing it in with a little ink. A few daubs with the paintbrush and Ryoga's head was back on top of his neck where it should've been.

Ryoga frowned and opened his eyes. "What just happened?" he asked suspiciously, rubbing the back of his neck with his remaining arm.

"Oh you just lost your head for a moment," the old woman said lightly.

"I what?" he asked, puzzled.

"I knocked your head off. Purely an accident," she explained. "Luckily for you, this... condition will knock you out if your head, or more specifically your brain, becomes detached from your body."

"Oh gross!" Ryoga wailed. He paused and pointed to the three prone forms on the floor. "What happened to them?"

"Fainted." Cologne snorted. "Wusses."

Shampoo groaned and sat up. "Ooh... Shampoo have bad dream Ryoga's head fall off.."

Ukyo nodded slowly. "Me too."

"Group hallucination?"

"Sounds good to me, sugar." Ukyo sat down on her chair again. "So old lady. Do you know- hey! Cut that out!"

Cologne guiltily put down Ryoga's arm. "Sorry. Makes a good back scratcher." She leaned forward importantly. "I have seen this thing happen only twice in my life. Of course, the second time was a guy who'd fallen into a tree shredder so there wasn't much anyone could do for him," she added, oblivious to the looks of nausea on everyone's face. "This is the result of the Martial Arts Calligraphy Final Attack. As you know, the attack involves calligraphy spelling out the name of anything that would make you look embarrassing, along with a few doodles which can't be removed."

"Even with Jif?" Shampoo asked seriously.

"Not even with Jif," Cologne said solemnly, before continuing with her dramatic monologue. "If the victim is then confronted with their worst fear, the ink will spread. For some, the process is very quick, for others, it happens only a few times in their life-"

"Why's that?" Mousse asked.

"Well, if you're scared of flying, you're not going to go on a plane if you can help it," Ukyo explained. "But if you're scared of insects or birds or something like that, it's not like it's something you can easily avoid."

Cologne nodded. "Once the ink covers the entire body, as is Ryoga's case, that is usually the end of it and nothing further happens. The victim simply looks like a total twat for the rest of their life. Unless the attacker starts to feel guilty and gets rid of the ink or the victim confronts their fear."

Ryoga scowled. "That's what the cat told me," he stated, missing the confused looks everyone gave him. "So what made my limbs fall off? And how do I get back to normal?"

The old Amazon puffed up importantly. "For that, you need to know the workings of the technique." Everyone groaned. "The ink that is used for this is no ordinary ink. It contains the blood of a virgin sacrificed on midsummer's eve when the moon is full and Venus is in the constellation of Aquarius."

Ryoga eyed his arm critically. "Sounds disgusting."

"I definitely can not see Yoshi going to that trouble," Ukyo stated simply.

Cologne shrugged. "Of course, you can now buy it from most good Chinese herbalists nowadays which kinda takes the glory out of it. Anyway," she continued, ignoring everyone's facefaults. "It is used in conjunction with a paper made by Tibetan monks-"

"I thought it was a Chinese technique?" Mousse interrupted.

"It is."

"So why is the paper made by Tibetan monks?" he pressed.

"It just is, OK!" Cologne snapped. "Now, once you have selected your victim and 'inked' them, the outline of their image will appear on the paper. And as their own body is gradually covered in ink, the image on the paper will fill with colour until it is complete. If the attacker repents, another kind of ink is used to paint the image on the paper back on the body." She sat back, satisfied.

"So..." Ukyo prompted.

"So what?"

"Is that it!"

"Yup."

Ryoga narrowed his eyes. "So why did my arm fall off?"

"Your arm?" Cologne blinked, then clapped her hands. "Sorry. Forgot about that bit."

"You forget and use arm as back scratcher," Shampoo scoffed.

"Give me that!" Ryoga snatched his arm back. "So?"

"So I'm guessing you pissed off this... Yoshi," Cologne guessed. "I assume in a fit of rage he's chopped up the paper with your image on. The Masters of Martial Arts Calligraphy do not teach the ultimate technique to young teenagers for precisely that reason, for once the paper has been damaged, the consequences become more dangerous." She paused for effect and from somewhere, a pipe organ began playing. "The body loses all feeling and falls apart at the points where the image on paper has become damaged. This can be delayed by gluing your severed appendages back onto your body with the glue I used to stick your head back on."

Ukyo shuddered. "I hoped I'd imagined that bit," she muttered.

Cologne continued on her tale of doom. "But as bits fall off, the image on the scraps of paper begins to fade until..."

The pipe organ built up a crescendo. "Until there's nothing left," Ukyo added.

"And without image..." Shampoo breathed.

"The body cannot be restored," Mousse finished.

Dark shadows engulfed Cologne. "Be careful Ryoga. If you fall apart before you find that paper... your body can never be restored!"

End Part IV

PART V

Don't worry, he's armless and other bad jokes.

There was a long silence.

"PUT MY ARM BACK ON!" Ryoga screeched, leaping to his feet. "For god's sake glue it back on right NOW!"

"All right, this is no time to get hysterical," Cologne said soothingly.

"What if the paper with my arm on has faded already!" Ryoga lamented. "I'll only have one arm!"

"Pull yourself together," Cologne scolded. Several icy gazes turned on her. "Sorry. Bad pun. It takes three hours for the ink to fade if you fall apart-"

"My arm fell off an hour ago," Ryoga growled.

"That still leaves you two hours in case of accidents," the old woman pointed out. "Just don't lose your head."

The glares intensified.

"Didn't mean that one either," Cologne apologised quickly. She picked up the gluey ink. "Take off your shirt," she instructed, brandishing a brush. A few seconds later the arm was reattached. "Now, take the glue with you. Ukyo Kuonji, you too. If he should have the misfortune to lose both his arms, you can reattach them for him."

"This is warped," Ukyo growled, reaching out for another jar. "This is utterly warped. This shouldn't ever happen to any sane person ever."

"You're not the one with limbs falling off left, right and centre," Ryoga pointed out.

"True."

"Don't rely on that glue," Cologne advised. "It'll only work for a limited time. Find those scraps of paper before it's too late."

Next morning...

"RANMA! I'll KILL you!"

"How nice. Akane and Ranma are having a civilised discussion," Kasumi observed sweetly as she served breakfast.

"I can't tell. Is she being sarcastic or is she serious?" Keiko whispered.

Nabiki shrugged, ducking a pot plant. "I think she's serious, but don't quote me on that."

Ranma dodged a mallet and scowled at his 'fiancee.' "What did I do this time!"

"You know exactly what you did!"

"If I knew I wouldn't hafta ask, ya uncute tomboy!"

"WHAT did you call me! How many times have I told you not to call me that!"

"He's probably lost count by now," Ryoga said dryly.

"You stay out of this, cat-woman," Ranma growled, landing in front of him. "Who-" He stopped talking and ducked, sensing the mallet behind him. Ryoga yelped and raised his arm to defend himself.

Dramatic pause.

Nabiki snapped her chopsticks in half.

Kasumi almost dropped the teapot.

Genma and Soun fainted.

Keiko burst into tears. "You've killed my brother!"

Akane's face did that strange horror-mask thing. "Oh no! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!"

"It's OK, Akane," Ukyo said soothingly, picking up Ryoga's arm again. "We'll just glue the arm back on."

Kasumi dropped the teapot. "Oh my."

"Oh gross, Ucchan!" Ranma blanched. "You can't just glue someone's arm on!"

"No, we have to call a doctor!" Akane wailed hysterically.

"Actually, you can just glue it back on," Ryoga cut in, holding up the pot of glue.

"Can you ever forgive me?" Akane sobbed. "I really didn't mean to smash your arm off!"

"Yoshi's fault," Ukyo explained simply. "Long and complicated story involving virgin sacrifices and Tibetan monks. Y'know, this isn't the same break as yesterday, you can see where Cologne glued it together." Everyone craned around to gaze upon the arm. (Which had indeed fallen up at a different point.)

"Can I have my arm back yet?"

Nabiki whistled. "You could really freak out the teachers if you did that in class."

"Does your head come off too?" Ranma asked questioningly, tugging at his rival's hair experimentally. Luckily, the glue held.

"Do you mind! I am not a Barbie doll!"

"I think we'd probably be better off looking for that paper tomorrow," Ukyo said seriously. "If we look for it when Yoshi's at school - assuming he actually goes to school and doesn't spend every day screwing up people's lives - then he hopefully shouldn't catch us."

"Hopefully," Ryoga griped. He pointed to the photograph Nabiki was drawing on (marking where she estimated the rips in the original paper would be). "Head too.

"You know where the guy lives?" Nabiki asked, drawing a line across a photograph. "Head... twice on the arm..." she muttered under her breath.

"Yup. Daddy was helpful enough to give me his address as well as the address of every strange and eligible martial artist in the neighbourhood."

"Oooh! Let's have a look!" Nabiki snatched the sheet of paper off Ukyo and examined it. "Wow. Kuno's actually on here too!"

"He lives on the second floor of an apartment block downtown," Ukyo continued. "So it should be pretty easy to break into."

"'Kay." Nabiki held up the photograph. "As far as I can guess, this is where you're in danger of shedding limbs. I think he just angrily chopped up the paper instead of doing something REALLY vicious like putting it through a shredder and completely mangling you."

"That's not too bad," Ryoga observed.

"Of course, it's not perfect, but you won't let me stuff a grenade down your shirt to see how many pieces you explode into."

"No I won't."

Nabiki sighed. "You're no fun," she pouted. "So if you're going to hunt for your body parts tomorrow..." She held up a sprig of mistletoe. "You can get on with the other challenge today!"

"NABIKI!"

"No, she's right," Kasumi cut in, bobbing up behind them. "Mathilde isn't going to give up. If she can't make you kiss her, she'll find another way. I'm thinking paralysis powder and rope."

There was a short silence. "Thanks sis." Nabiki folded her arms. "See? Even Kasumi thinks you should get on with it."

"Nope. Uh-uh, forget it," Ukyo said firmly.

"What's the big deal?" Akane asked. "It's not like you've never done it before-"

Ukyo folded her arms. "Kiss Ranma."

"NO WAY!" the other screeched. A small frown crossed her face. "Ah."

"Exactly," Ukyo said smugly.

Akane stood there for a moment with a look of annoyance on her face, which was suddenly replaced with a sly grin. "Well if I DO kiss Ranma, will you kiss Ryoga?"

"If you kiss Ranma, I'd kiss Genma."

Nabiki leaned forward. "Can you say that again but into this mike?"

Akane jumped to her feet. "Here I go!" Closely followed by the others, she marched into the sitting room where Ranma, Keiko, Soun and Genma were watching TV, grabbed Ranma by the collar and mashed her lips against his.

"ARGH! My eyes! I'm forever corrupted!" Keiko screamed.

"Hurrah! Our children have finally admitted their love for each other! Our families will be united!"

Ranma frowned and yanked the tape off his face. "Do you mind!"

"They shall be married tonight! We must make preparations!"

Akane grinned. "Just showing Ukyo something."

"Amazing..." Ukyo breathed. "So on camera, it would look like we were really kissing."

"It worked on the photo of Kuno and Ranma." Nabiki ignored the retching noises. "Nobody will be able to tell the difference."

"Is it safe to look yet?" Keiko asked, hands over her eyes.

"Crack open the celebration sake, Saotome!"

Akane whirled on her father. "For goodness sake, daddy, I was just pretending!"

"Thankfully," Ranma muttered.

Soun blinked. "Why hide it from your own father? I'm quite happy for the two of you to get married immediately."

"Forget it!"

"But what's holding you back?" Genma asked in confusion. "Shampoo is in love with that strange crossdresser, Ukyo and her father ended your engagement and she seems to be besotted with that Hibiki boy-"

"Hey, we're right here," Ukyo scowled. "And I am besotted with NO-ONE, got it!"

"And maybe I wanna enjoy not having twelve finacees, eh Pop?" Ranma growled. "And if any more start crawling out the woodwork, I swear I'll kill you."

"Oh lament! Our children have let us down!" The two fathers burst into tears.

"OK, tape," Ukyo ordered, ignoring the sobbing 'men.'

Akane handed it over. "Don't think about it, just tape his mouth shut and go for it," she advised.

"What, in front of the-" Ryoga started, only to find that Ukyo had decided to do it in from of them. He froze.

Keiko peeked and screamed again. "AGH! I'm traumatised! Make it stop! My eyes are burning!"

Satisfied she'd put on enough of a show for Nabiki to snap, Ukyo pulled away and yanked the tape off Ryoga's mouth. "YEOW! That HURT!" he wailed, snapping out of his trance.

"Damn, had the lens cap on," Nabiki scowled. "Could you do that again?"

"Why not?" Ukyo shrugged. She grabbed a new bit of tape.

"I'm too young! The pain! The humanity!"

RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIP

"OWWWWWW! Don't rip so hard!"

"Oopsie! Forgot to turn the flash on! Can you do that again?"

"Sure."

"Stop! My poor little mind has become tainted!"

Fade out.

Half an hour passes.

Fade in.

"Sorry! Ran out of film! Can you do that again?"

"Oh for pete's sake, get a new camera," Keiko growled. "How many more variations of 'oh my eyes' am I expected to come up with!"

"One more try, I promise," Nabiki promised. "I'm beginning to think someone's fiddled with my cameras."

"You can use mine," Kasumi offered.

"Thanks sis."

"But please make it stop. If I have to watch them kiss one more time, I'll spit in your dinner."

Nabiki sweatdropped. "Yes sis," she promised meekly.

"This is actually beginning to get boring," Ukyo scowled. "Be more fun without the tape and the audience," she added in a lowered voice. Ryoga spluttered incoherently.

"Right! One more time!" Nabiki chirped. "Say okonomiyaki!"

"Okonomiyaki," Ukyo muttered, sounding bored.

"My eyes. My brain. My youth. All destroyed in one fell swoop," Keiko droned, watching the TV.

Ryoga pulled the tape off his mouth. "Are we done yet?"

"Sorry!"

"NABIKI!" Everyone screeched.

"Just kidding," she sniggered. "I'll go get this developed and give it to Mathilde." She paused. Must ask permission. The Doctor said. "Would you mind if I sold copies to people at school."

"YES!"

"Just checking."

"Ah… a nice relaxing Sunday, watching movies." Ukyo sighed blissfully. "Which ones did you choose?"

"Uh… Idle Hands and End of Days."

Ukyo blinked slowly. "Rrrrrright." Obviously when she'd suggested they go back to his house and watch movies he thought she'd been serious. Oh well.

Urd peeped around the doorway. "Something is UP with those two," she muttered.

"What makes you say that?" Skuld asked, concentrating on her latest invention.

"She hasn't tried to kill him for a whole half hour."

Ukyo stood open and marched over to the doorway. "Got some reason for lurking in the hallway?" she asked icily. "Weren't you going to visit your sister or something?"

"Uh… Actually, we were thinking of joining you," Urd said quickly. "Oooh! Idle Hands! I LOVE that film!"

"Wha-?" Ukyo scowled darkly. Making out would have to wait. (But it's SOOOOO much fun!)

Two hours later, she had to admit it was a good film. Now all she had to do was ditch the goddesses, persuade Ryoga to swap End of Days with Sliding Doors and take advantage of the romantic soppiness. "Well, that was cool. But we'd better be getting back to the Tendo's now," Ukyo lied.

"But-" Ryoga began to protest, then quickly snapped his mouth shut as she sent him a glare. "Uhhh… yeah, that's right."

Urd narrowed her eyes as Ukyo dragged the Lost Boy out of the room. "Something is definitely up here and I'm going to find out what if it kills me," she vowed.

"So. Wanna go to my place and make out?" Ukyo suggested eagerly.

Ryoga blinked in surprise. Is that all she ever thinks about! He re-evaluated that thought. She is ASKING to make out and I'm hesitating! Maybe I need help. "Sure!"

End Part V

Notes from Ushio:

Well i'm afraid that's it. While Benji did write some more of this story i don't have access to it. If someone out there does please contact me.

Overall though this is an unfinished work and Benji did quit writing several years ago after her site was accidently deleted.


	14. Chapter 6 parts 6 to 7

PART VI

Life's about priorities.

Chocolate first, housework later.

"So once you've found the paper, give it to me and I'll paint you back," Cologne instructed.

"That sounds soooo weird," Ukyo muttered under her breath. "OK, follow me. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT attempt to enter through any windows until I do, got that?"

"Yeah, yeah," Ryoga muttered. "I may be dumb, but I'm not that dumb."

"Wanna bet?"

"Shut up and get going!" Cologne snarled.

Ukyo bounced easily up onto the windowsill and slid up the sash window. Which promptly stuck. "It's stuck!" she yelled, stating the obvious.

"Can you squeeze through?" Ryoga suggested.

"I'll try." She tossed her giant spatula down to the ground, followed by her bandolier. Though she felt naked without them, with them she'd only get stuck. Bending over, she wriggled through the window, looking rather like that bit in Entrapment when Catherine Zeta-Jones is trying to get past the lasers in THAT outfit. (God, please give me that bum!)

She got stuck anyway. "Help!"

"Breath in," Ryoga yelled back, thoroughly enjoying the view.

"I AM BREATHING IN, YOU JACKASS!"

The boy sighed and hopped up next to her. "You can get through there, you're not that fat," he encouraged.

"What did you say!"

"I mean that in the nicest way possible," he quickly corrected. "Maybe it would help if you took off your jacket."

Ukyo tried to wriggle backwards. Then forwards. "I think it's caught on something."

Ryoga sighed and grasped the bottom of the window, forcing it up. There was a nasty crunching noise. "Oopsy. I think I broke something."

"Who cares? It's Yoshi's window." Ukyo rubbed her back gingerly. "That hurt." She scanned the room and spotted some paper on the floor. "Hey, he was even nice enough to leave everything lying around for us," she said gleefully. "What an id-"

The sound of footsteps outside caused them both to freeze in silence. Then their eyes widened in horror as the footsteps stopped outside the door. "Hide!" Ryoga hissed urgently.

"Cool. That's gotta be a new record for me," the brash voice they knew and hated so well crowed. From her spot inside the wardrobe, Ukyo watched him sit on the bed, pick up a book and flick through it. "All right! Forty-five minutes! A new record for being sent out of school!"

Under the bed, Ryoga wrinkled his nose irritably and wondered when the bastard was going to leave. It was horribly dusty under there and the magazine with the naked girl on it was highly distracting. It was a toss up as to whether it would be the blood or the sneeze that got him caught first.

Ukyo sighed dismally and slouched against the back of the wardrobe, waiting for something to happen. Finally Yoshi stood up. Finally! she snarled inwardly. Wait a second… he's walking this way… OH MY GOD HE'S OPENING THE DOOR!

Yoshi had not been expecting to see a girl in his wardrobe. Not a live one at any rate. Usually they were rubber. Or on paper. "What are you doing here!" he growled, dragging Ukyo out by her wrist.

"Would you believe I just popped round to say hi?" Ukyo tried to bluff.

"Liar. You came here for the paper didn't you?" Yoshi glared at her, continuing to keep a hold of her wrist. "I knew something was up when it stopped fading."

"OK, so maybe I did," Ukyo shot back. "You weren't helping, so I found someone who would."

Yoshi smirked. "If you want the paper, it's gonna cost you."

"Oh yeah!" Ukyo snarled. She reached for her spatula… "You just try it, you-" then remembered tossing it to the ground. "Ak."

Yoshi's smirk widened. "Not so tough without your kitchen implements, are ya?" he sneered, pushing her backwards roughly onto the bed.

"Get off me, you creep," she snarled, trying to dodge the slimy lips heading her way. "I'll rip you to shreds!"

"You try anything and I'll burn that paper," Yoshi threatened coolly. His hands started wandering. "Just relax, babe. Gimmee this and I'll let you go."

The bed lifted off the ground and toppled over. Before the stunned Yoshi could react, his nose exploded as it was introduced to Mr Fist several times. Then strong hands wrapped around his throat and slammed him into the wall. Hard. "If you ever touch her again," Ryoga snarled though gritted teeth, "I'll break off all of YOUR limbs. Do you understand me?"

Yoshi groaned and spat out a mouthful of teeth. "Ugh…"

He got slammed into the wall again. "I SAID do you understand me!"

Ukyo stood up shakily and began picking up the scraps of paper with hands that weren't completely steady. "Let's go."

Ryoga nodded and slammed Yoshi against the wall one more time for good measure.

Ukyo made herself to walk down two streets before allowing herself to burst into floods of angry tears. "I hate him! I hope he goes straight to hell!"

"Now, Kuonji Ukyo, a true martial artist does not wish misfortune on those they dislike," Cologne berated. Ryoga leaned down and whispered in her ear and the old lady's eyes narrowed. "They take revenge instead," she hissed. "This Yoshi sounds like a dangerous boy. Whoever taught him his art must have been either crazy or desperate."

"I'm going for the first one," Ryoga decided, handing Ukyo a tissue which she accepted gratefully. "The only thing anyone would want from Yoshi is their body back. Can I have mine back before he comes chasing after us?" he pleaded.

Ukyo sniffled. "The second we get back I am having a bath and burning these clothes," she vowed.

Yoshi picked up the calligraphy brush and stared at his reflection. He'd never considered using the technique on himself, but the benefits were large. If he had no body, he couldn't be hurt. At that present moment, he didn't really care about the paper.

He wanted revenge.

And Ryoga needed his body back to feel pain.

Yoshi narrowed his eyes angrily. He was going to make them both pay.

Cologne placed the paintbrush down. "Finished."

"So he can feel pain now?" Ukyo asked.

"Yup."

"Good."

CLANG

Ryoga yelped and fell over backwards. "What was that for!"

"For not saving me quicker!" Ukyo snarled. She glanced at the clock. "Hey, look at that. We have just enough time to go to school and look Mathilde Tara-Thompkinson's face!"

End Part VI

PART VII

Cliffhanger ain't just a film starring Harrison

Ford. It does star him, doesn't it?

They should've know that the second they stepped inside the school gates they'd be jumped by teachers. Oh well. I suppose everybody needs an education.

Washu gasped. "You're in colour again!"

"Yup," Ryoga said proudly.

"So I won't need to try out this." She tossed a jar over her shoulder into a black hole that had appeared in the science lab sink. "Or this."

Fade out.

Fade in.

"…or this, this or this."

"Uh… how many bottles, jars and potions do you have up your sleeves?" Ryoga asked slowly. "Do I have time to go get popcorn?"

"Just seventy-three more to go!"

Mathilde simmered.

"Remember when you beat me in that sword fight?" Ukyo said gleefully, dancing around her. "Well that doesn't mean anything 'cause I'm sexier than you! And remember you got more telephone numbers than me? It's no good 'cause I'm sexier than you!"

Mathilde's blood pressure soared. "You… you…"

"Something wrong? Cat got your tongue? Never mind, in this age of plastic surgery, I'm sure there's some kind of emergency treatment to increase your hopes of ever getting laid." Laughing happily, she bounced down the corridors over to Ryoga, not bothering to ask why he was eating popcorn and watching Washu throw jars into the sink. "That was so much fun! Wanna go to the utility closet and make out!"

"Looking forward to tonight?" Ukyo asked.

"…What happens tonight?" Ryoga asked, yawning loudly.

"The world gets sucked into hell and all life as we know it ceases to exist. The thousand years hath ended blah blah blah…" She couldn't help but break down in giggles at the bemused look on his face. "It's Halloween, you baka!" she explained, bapping him on the shoulder.

Ryoga gave her that confused look that was so cute. "It is?"

"Berk." Ukyo frowned slightly. "You'd better not've forgotten you promised to dress up as Magical Guy Makoto."

"I think I can manage," Ryoga replied, sticking his tongue out at her.

"I'm going to dress up as a devil," Keiko proclaimed, helping herself to some waffles.

"Kasumi taking you trick and treating?" Ukyo asked.

Ryoga coughed and looked slightly embarrassed. "Actually… I said she could come with us. It that all right?"

Ukyo glared at him and repressed the urge to throttle him. "I suppose so."

Keiko stuck her tongue out at her. "Biiiiii!"

"Keiko…" Ryoga said warningly.

"Just clearing my throat."

Overnight, Furinkan has become Halloween movie makers paradise. Carved pumpkins sat on the walls ready to be lit. Plastic witches on broomsticks hung in the corridors. Crepe paper flames lined the classrooms. There were red candles in every corner of every room. Ghosts flitted around through walls and nobody could be quite sure which ones were the light projections and which were the actual spooks Furinkan seemed to harbour.

"I think maybe our Principal has gone slightly OTT," Ukyo muttered as a cackling spirit ran through her.

"Our Principal? OTT? Whatever would make you say that?" Akane scoffed, ducking under a low-flying witch.

"Personally, I think it's pretty cool," Ranma admitted. "Sure, he has some manic ideas, but this one seems all right."

"Is that a goat?" Ukyo asked, squinting though the dry ice.

"Think so."

"Why is our Principal sacrificing it?"

The rest of the gang peered through the smoke, trying to get a better look. "Must be your imagination," Ranma said finally.

"HAHAHAHA! Aloha my keiki! Come bathe in the blood of the innocents!" Principal Kuno bellowed, leaping through the clouds of carbon dioxide and causing much hysterical panicking.

"It's fake, you morons," Hiroshi pointed out. "Isn't it?"

"Oh yeah," the Principal assured him. "Fake goats blood. It's really pigs blood."

Ryoga looked slightly pale. "Oh."

"I wanna help with the sacrifices!" Keiko squealed, waving her plastic pitchfork around and coming dangerously close to jabbing Ranma's eye out. "I'm Beetlejuice, the dark prince, Satan himself"!"

"Beelzebub," Nabiki corrected. "And no, you cannot help raise the dead. Why isn't she still trick or treating?" she asked Ukyo in a lower voice.

"We had to stop early. Someone asked for a trick so she shaved their cat with one of her little paper fan things," Ukyo explained. "They weren't happy. The words police, sue and prison were used in vast abundance, so we decided it was easier just to bring her along here."

Witches, skeletons, vampires and Freddy Krueger danced to the beat of Rob Zombies' 'Living Dead Girl.' Those who hadn't drunk enough spiked punch to dance were feasting on surprisingly good smoked salmon and nibbly bits. Akane had only tipped one bowl over Ranma's head, and that had turned out to be Twiglets and not iced punch as he'd expected. Keiko was teaching Hinako-chan the censored moves to Macarena and discussing the finer points of Telletubbies. Nabiki had shown Ukyo the finer points of drink spiking, turning the punch to 45 vol. Urd and Skuld were attempting to teach Ranma and Ryoga the Time Warp, but kept falling down with laughter when it came to demonstrating the pelvic thrust. Two mummies and a zombie were dumping the principal in the rubbish, much to the amusement of those paying attention.

It was a wonderfully normal night.

It couldn't last.

End Part VII

TO BE CONTINUED!


End file.
